An American Ninja in Konohagakure
A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
Sometime later...
Jiraiya had just finished explaining the some of the basics of time-space ninjutsu to the Earth Scientists. While not expecting much without chakra, Jiraiya had to admit that humans on the other end of the portal were quite technologically advanced in some fields, so a different perspective might help them in getting the portal opened up to people without Bijuu chakra. He was finishing up writing some notes in one of his many notebooks when he noticed he was no longer alone. Two cold eyes glared at him through the TV screen and even Jiraiya had to admit he wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this woman's wrath, civilian or not.
"Is there anything you needed Mary-san?" Jiraiya hoped it would be a simple request but noticing the narrowing of her eyes, the Toad Sage braced himself for the wrath of another woman.
"Is there anything I need? Yes. I need my son back. Now. You said earlier that you were looking for him but wasn't there ANY way you could have checked to see if he had, I don't know, say a FAMILY taking care of him already or to see if there was a way you could have come here instead if you needed to see him so much?!"
Jiraiya held up his hands in a placating measure, "I have spent a long time going over that portal and there wasn't a way to see through. The portal, as we already said, could only be trans-versed by one with Bijuu chakra and there wasn't a way to get through t-"
"Well that's just great then." Mary's eyes flared with anger. "Too hard for you to figure it out. 'Oh well, we couldn't figure it out so we may as well pluck our weapon back through' not even giving a care if the portal would hurt him or that you would be taking my SON aw-"
"HE IS MY GOD SON!" In that moment, Mary beheld her not the sight of an odd looking 'ninja' who had taken away Naruto, but the fury only whispered around the Elemental Nations of the Toad Sannin. Jiraiya, on the other hand, fought to control his anger as two eyes widened in fear behind the screen. "His...father was my student. I trained him from his early years and helped guide him to become a powerful ninja." Jiraiya tilted his head up, eyes' lost in memories past. "Then I watched him surpass everything I'd taught him to become one of the most powerful ninjas ever and take the seat of Hokage. I have never been prouder of anyone in my life when he came up to me the first time in his formal Kage robes and I bowed down to my student who had greatly surpassed me. I never had any children, but Minato...Minato was my son in all but blood."
Mary could only stare on in shock and a hint of understanding as she watched the man's face fall back down. She had only seen it be smirking or neutral the entire day but now it held a profound sadness. "When Minato told me he was naming me the Godfather of his kid, I swore I'd love the little gaki like family. I have many regrets in my life, but the greatest was not getting myself back to Konoha to be there for Naruto's birth. If I had just been there maybe..." Jiraiya shook his head as he trailed off, banishing the what ifs' as he knew it was futile going down that train of thought. He had enough first hand experience doing that.
Instead, he looked on with determination, "I've spent the last ten years looking over that portal and seal array, studying it from any angle I could and working to try and bring him back. I had no idea if he even survived the transition to wherever Minato sent him but I trusted my old student. He always had more than a few tricks up his sleeve for any situation." The old pervert chuckled a bit before giving a smile to the somber faced mother, "I am truly sorry that I took Naruto away from you but I absolutely had to make sure my Godson was ok. There was nothing else. I will say, however, that you have my thanks for taking the kid in and raising him so well. I haven't known him long, but I can tell that he was raised lovingly and right, and that is what I always hoped for."
Mary sniffed as she tried to keep her tears from falling, the events of the day taking nearly everything from her. "I...I can see that. I had always wondered if we wouldn't one day meet Naruto's biological family and I knew, I just knew there would be an exceptional reason behind how he came here. I was just...not prepared for all of this..." Mary lapsed silent for a few minutes, neither side of the televised portal speaking.
"I just want to hold my son again."
"I will make sure that one day you can."
Moving into Konoha was kind of strange. And the first day of ninja school? Stranger still.
Naruto didn't get a lot of the cultural aspects of the Elemental Countries. It was like feudal Japan, but it had magic ninja wizards. It didn't have a space program, but they had TVs and computers. And it had princesses, yet also phones?
Speaking of princesses... He'd noticed that Hinata ate her lunch alone every day. She'd do it nearby the other girls, sure, but she was almost always separated from them. So Naruto asked Kiba what was going on.
Kiba had a dog, and he was a lot more talkative than Sasuke. So he was a lot more fun to hang out with, in general.
"Oh, Hinata? Yeah, she's the heiress to the Hyuuga family," Kiba said. "They have a bloodline limit called Byakugan, that lets them see chakra and through solid objects."
"X-Ray vision? That's cool," Naruto said with a nod. "But, why is she by herself a lot?"
Kiba shrugged. "Eh, probably because she's the heiress, right? She doesn't know how to hang out with normal people."
"I dunno, she was kind of nice," Naruto said. "When I was in the compound."
"How did you get there?" Kiba snorted. Naruto shrugged.
"I went over the wall."
Kiba laughed. "Yeah right, jackass! Nobody can get over the Hyuuga wall!"
"I did," Naruto said flatly. Kiba rolled his eyes.
"No way!"
"Fine! I'll prove it," Naruto said. He got up from the lunch table and walked over to Hinata. The pale eyed girl blushed, and stared up at him.
"Ah... N-Naruto-kun-?"
"Hinata! I need you," Naruto said. He took Hinata and pulled her up. He led her over to Kiba, not noticing that numerous eyes were on them. He pulled Hinata up alongside and grinned. "Hinata! I totally got over the wall of the Hyuuga Compound, right?"
Hinata blushed deeply. "Um... Um... Y-Yes, yes, he did," she managed, squeaking at the end of her sentence. Kiba blinks.
"Really? He did? Huh! So he isn't just lying!" Kiba smirked. "By the way, you guys are still holding hands..."
"Yeah? So?" Naruto asked, though he quickly let go of Hinata's hand. The girl tapped her fingers together awkwardly, as Naruto smiled at her. "Thanks Hinata! You're the best!"
"I... I... Th-Thank... Thank you...!" She squeaked. She turned and ran away, still bright red. Naruto stared after her, and then looked over at Kiba.
"What's with her?"
"Man, I dunno. Girls are weird," Kiba said with a shrug.
"I think we have a problem here."
Sarutobi sighed. While he was very glad that Naruto was raised by a loving and caring family, he was not a fan of constantly being told off by his adoptive mother. She had gone after him for allowing Naruto to learn to fight with kunai (which the boy had complained about, saying that the little knives had no reach), for not letting Naruto reveal his parentage ("If you loved those two so much, then you should let the boy learn more about them!"), even for having him bathe in an onsen ("He doesn't have any adult supervision. What if some pervert comes after him!?"). She had also gone out of her way to let him know that she thought he was a rather awful person ("Kidnapper", "Murderer", "Pervert").
"What is it now?" he sighed out, trying to contain his exasperation.
"I talked with Naruto today, after you let him play with those disks of death-"
"They're called shuriken."
"They are pieces of metal that can cut open you jugular if they hit you wrong," she growled, before continuing on, "anyway, I asked what he was going to have for dinner tonight, and he told me that he was going to cook up some Ramen. Firstly, I told him that obviously he needed something with a bit more substance than that dorm food, and then asked why the guardian you gave him wasn't making him have a more balanced and healthy diet-"
Sarutobi had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he knew where this was going.
"And he told me that he didn't have a guardian. Are you nuts! Did you get dropped on your head! You sent a ten year old boy out to live in an apartment on his own with no one there to watch over him-"
"I send someone to check on him ever-"
"I mean an actual guardian. You know, someone to cook his food, tuck him in, make sure he's clean?"
"...are you sure you are not coddling the boy?"
"I...I...I'm sorry," Mary sighed. Sarutobi could tell that she was exhausted, staring down guiltily at the floor, "He's all on his own in a big world where people want him dead, and he doesn't have anyone from most of his life there to support him. I just wan...I just wish I could make sure that someone would be there to keep him happy, healthy and safe."
Sarutobi nodded. At times he forgot what it was like to be without the ability to protect your loved ones. After all, wasn't that exactly how he thought about his own grandson, Konohamaru. After a few moments, he sighed.
"How about I bring over a few of my most trusted ninja, and have them meet with you? I would make sure that they are all willing to take care of Naruto, and you could pick your favorite to take care of the boy."
Mary seemed to pick up at that, "Yeah, that might work. Can we start this tomorrow?"
"Yes Tomorrow would be a good place to start."
"But I must warn you..." Sarutobi said gravely, "Ninjas with the appropriate levels of both skill and loyalty have a tendency to be..." He paused and sighed.
"What?" Mary asked, irritated at the man's pronouncement.
"Eccentric."
"I can raise him to be properly disciplined and very, very obedient."
Mary smiled politely, but looked skeptical as she asked, "... And you said you worked in what department again?"
"Torture and Interrogation." Morino Ibiki replied calmly.
"NEXT!"
"IF HE WERE TO BE ENTRUSTED INTO MY CARE I CAN ASSURE YOU HE WILL BE BURSTING WITH YOUTH!"
The large man with patterns on his cheeks was eating from a bag of potato chips even as they talked, "If he were with us, he'd never miss a meal, that's for sure."
The man scratched at the back of his head and said in a slow drawl, "Meh, actually my wife's making me do this. It's kind of troublesome."
The blonde man looked thoughtful, "I mean I suppose raising a boy to be a proper husband for my little girl would be-"
The severe older man with the white eyes laughed heartily until he realized none of the people in the room with him were laughing. "Oh. You were serious."
"Exactly what is the problem?" Mary growled.
"I have young daughters," He replied. "I do not believe such an arrangement would be feasible. They are far too young to be exposed to men outside the family."
"He's ten!" Mary replied exasperated.
"And my daughters can see through solid objects."
"... oh."
"I'm a clone of the first Hokage with the power to summon vast forests."
"None of which is relevant to supervising a small child." Mary pointed out.
The man looked very confused. "... I thought I was here for a mission?"
"That is the mission," The Hokage said.
"Oh. Then I respectfully decline."
"Unfortunately, that appears to be everyone on the list." Sarutobi said, taking a puff from his pipe.
"I thought Mr. Teuchi was the best candidate."
"He wasn't a candidate for consideration. He's a civilian and would lack the necessary skills to handle the care of even a half-trained Ninja like your son."
"Then why was he here?"
"He wasn't here for an interview, he was delivering my lunch." The Hokage said, just a tiny bit peevishly.
"Oh. Sorry." She sighed, then looked speculative, "You have had children, haven't you, Hokage-sama?"
Sarutobi smiled a bit and shook his head. "I know what you are thinking, but it would be seen as inappropriate for me to take guardianship of a foreign child... Unless I was holding him as a hostage to ensure your cooperation."
"... Which is entirely different from our current situation." Mary said pointedly.
"Also I am an old man who has a lot of work to do. If he were put into my care... well, it would practically be the same as him living on his own
"I can't help but notice you didn't deny the hostage thing."
"Moving right along, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way."
"Are you trying to do this deliberately so I won't have a choice but to have him live by himself?"
"Of course not. I'm trying my best to accommodate your wishes, Mary, but these matters can be quite delicate. We may need a softer touch, perhaps." He let his voice trail off thoughtfully just as a puff of smoke appeared in his office and a woman appeared.
"Hokage-sama, I have finished my mission and I'm reporting in-"
Mary blinked in surprise, but realized that this was probably more of their ninja showmanship. He had to have been throwing the inappropriate options at her all day to soften her up for this one. "Hello, there."
Anko blinked in surprise at the monitor where the woman was, "Oh. Hello, ma'am." It didn't hurt to be polite, especially if it was as she suspected... she glanced to the Hokage.
"A potential client, Anko." The Hokage replied, confirming her suspicions.
"Ah, the one from Whirlpool!" Anko said brightly. She'd heard the interviews had been going on all day and the client had been quite picky. Whatever the mission was, it was obviously something critical and dangerous. Just to her tastes.
"Nothing to worry about." Sarutobi said, waving it aside, "Now, I'm sure you have other things to attend to-"
"And how do you feel about children, Miss Anko?" Mary asked, cutting the Hokage off.
Anko wondered what that had to do with the mission, but she shrugged and answered. "Usually a lot of responsibility. Have to watch them like a hawk or the little bug- er- beasts think they can get away with anything."
"And do you feel up to that kind of responsibility?" Mary asked pointedly.
Her tone set something off in Anko and she bristled. "Hey, I don't know what anyone else has told you, but I am perfectly capable of handling any responsibility!"
Prickly, Mary thought to herself. But she didn't seem to lack for energy. "So, what are your hobbies?"
"I do like the tea ceremony... um... wait, what's with all the questions." She finally paused and glanced over to the Hokage once more who was covering his face with a hand.
"Anko's not really an applica-" He tried to explain.
"She's also a ninja in good standing? And loyal?" Mary pressed.
Sarutobi glanced from Anko, who had a vaguely worried expression on her face, then to Mary. He sighed and replied, "Well, yes. Absolutely. She is absolutely loyal to Konoha."
"Next to the Teuchi-san, she's the best candidte you've presented me with so far." Mary said, smiling now.
Anko looked back and forth from the video display, then to her Hokage. She had no idea what was going on, but the mild praise had her preening.
Mary nodded. "I've decided. She's got the job."
Anko pumped her fist into the air and grinned savagely, "YES!" Then she paused, because one did not survive long in the Ninja world with insufficient information, "Wait, what job?"
"Guardian for my son... Naruto." Mary said.
Anko froze.
Mary blinked in surprise, "... Hello?"
"I think you might have broken her." Sarutobi said, lighting up a fresh pipe and wondering if he could send someone out to pick up some sake. He could certainly use it.
A few omakes arranged into something coherent. Just to get this train rolling again. Written with help from Scriviner, Melavio, and Amlawren3833.