An American Ninja in Konohagakure
A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
TWO YEARS LATER...
"ARGH!" Naruto growled, glaring death at the poorly constructed clones lying around him. "This is balls!"
He dispelled the poorly made clones, and sat down to sulk a bit. The training field was fairly isolated-Hence why he'd chosen it. It was so few people could hear him cursing up a storm in English.
"Motherfucking pus spewing goat licking-!"
"My my, such language," a familiar voice spoke above him. He jumped, and looked up to see Kakashi sitting on a tree branch and reading some of his smut. "Whatever would your mother say?"
"She's said worse! ... And then punished me for saying it," Naruto admitted. He smiled up at his tutor, and friend of his parents. "Done with those missions then, Kakashi-sensei?"
"I am," Kakashi said. "And I wanted to check up on you. Still having trouble with the Bunshin, I see?"
"The stupid jutsu just fails every time!" Naruto growled. "I mean, I make really sickly looking ones but never ones that... Ya know... Live!" He kicked the ground. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!"
"Hm... How are your other jutsus?" Kakashi asked, interested. Naruto formed the handseals for the Replacement Jutsu in record time, and he was replaced with a log. The log vanished again, Naruto taking its place. "Not bad. And Henge?"
Naruto formed a single handseal, and he poofed into a cloud of smoke. As it cleared, a beautiful blonde girl with an intense gaze, beautiful curves, and long legs appeared. And aside from radish-shaped earrings and whisker marks on her cheeks, she didn't wear a stitch of clothing.
"I call it, Sexy Jutsu," Naruto cooed. He poofed back into his regular form, and looked up at his tutor. "How was that, Kakashi-sensei?"
"Very good," Kakashi said, clearing his throat. "Um... Who did you base it on?"
"Only the sexiest actress ever, Evanna Lynch!" Naruto said with a happy smile. "Though for some reason, a lot of guys get nose bleeds or pass out when I do it. What's up with that?"
"You might have mastered an underlying genjutsu element," Kakashi said carefully, his facial expressions schooled to be as authoritative as possible. After all, his sensei's son had the potential to be very amusing. Even before he graduated. Best not to ruin the joke.
Besides, Mary Nelson would no doubt try to murder him through the portal. Again.
"Neat!" Naruto said with a grin. He then grumbled. "But that stupid freaking clone jutsu is still stupid impossible for me to stupid freaking do!"
"Hmm," Kakashi mused. He pulled up his headband, and Naruto blinked in confusion. He had a red eye? Is that why he wore a headband like a pirate eyepatch all the time? "Do it again, for me."
Naruto formed the handseals. He focused intently. "Bunshin no jutsu!"
Once again, he formed a few clones. And once again, they looked like they were dead, dying, or...
"Is that one... Overweight? What the hell?" Naruto asked in disbelief. "This jutsu is stupid!"
"Now now, it is very useful," Kakashi said patiently. "I think I know the problem. It isn't your technique, specifically..."
"Really?" Naruto asked brightly. Kakashi nodded.
"Yes, and I think I can work out-"
"Kakashi-senpai," a brown haired man appeared next to him. Naruto vaguely remembered him as one of the guys who had summoned him into Konoha, but he hadn't seen him in a while. The guy just didn't show up often. "The Hokage would like to see you."
"I'll be on my way after I've dealt with-" Kakashi tried, but Yamato interrupted his excuse.
"Orochimaru's lab. They found another," he whispered. Kakashi sighed, and looked down at Naruto apologetically.
"Sorry Naruto. We'll handle this later." He and Yamato vanished, leaving a pouting Naruto behind.
"Aw man... Hmm... Well, at least I know there is a solution..." The blonde rubbed his chin. "So I need to find someone to teach me about it. Someone who's very smart... And has plenty of free time... But where?"
The library, naturally, was Naruto's first stop. He looked around, trying to spy out someone he knew. A shock of pink hair greeted him from a nearby alcove, and he grinned.
"Hey Sakura!" He said cheerfully. The pink haired girl looked up, and held a finger up to her lips.
"Shhh!" She hissed. "This is a library, you idiot! Why are you so loud?"
"Oh, sorry," Naruto muttered, giving apologetic looks to the glaring staff. He turned back to the pink haired girl with a smile. "I was wondering if you could help me with something."
"Oh?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow. "What would that something be?"
"My clone jutsu. It is balls, and apparently it isn't my technique," Naruto said. "And since you're really smart, I was thinking you could help-"
"I have to finish my final papers for the upcoming exams Naruto, why exactly would I take time out to help you with that?" Sakura asked. Naruto sighed... And brightened.
"I can get you a pair of Sasuke's boxers."
Sakura stared at Naruto, her cheeks burning bright red. "Y-You... You... You can do that?" She whispered. Her eyes widened. "Oh please, tell me you're not-!"
"For the last time, no," Naruto growled. "We're not gay! What the hell is wrong with everyone, assuming that?"
"W-Well, he just doesn't open up to anyone else except for you!" Sakura said defensively. "And that time in sparring practice he fell on you and-"
"Okay, seriously, that's messed up," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I mean, getting teased for being gay, I get-Cause that's what friends do, mock eachother's masculinity without being serious about it."
"That... That's friendship?" Sakura asked in confusion. "Ugh! Boys!"
"But I'm not gay, and I don't think Sasuke is either," Naruto said.
Not if those looks he'd been given Ayame at the ramen stand were any indication. Or Suzume-sensei. Or Anko-nee-chan. But Naruto decided not to blow that secret to Sakura. Bros before hos, as Nate would say.
"I can just get you some of his underwear," Naruto said conversationally. "We have a deal or what?"
Sakura sighed. "Fine," she grumbled. "But it'll have to be after the team training exercise this week!"
Ah, right. His father had been irritated that they didn't train them to work in teams, Naruto recalled. And his mother had been especially irritated, and the Old Man had thought it was actually a good idea. He was just glad his parents were in another universe: Kana Hanagiri's parents, rich merchants, had insisted on a change in the academy menu and she was getting nothing but hell for it.
"Works for me, just leaves enough time for graduation," Naruto said with a grin. "And then you can sniff the boxers or hang them up in your shrine or whatever you girls do-"
"JERK!" Sakura snarled, punching Naruto hard enough to slam him into the floor. She flushed at the dirty looks she received from the library staff, and hid herself in the alcove out of embarrassment.
Naruto, for his part, was wondering how the hell he could block (and sometimes dodge) even Sasuke's blows but the pink haired girl nailed him every goddamned time. It was nuts! Maybe some kind of bloodline limit, given her hair...
Outside the library, he bumped into a villager pushing a cart. The blonde fell back, and the civilian hit the ground.
"Oof! Hey!"
"Oh! Sorry!" Naruto said. "Here, let me help you."
"I'm fine, you'd probably tip me over again," the villager grumbled, but Naruto got him up anyway. He eyed Naruto with a scowl, as though he was perpetually grumpy. He probably was-Being a peasant in a ninja world sucked hard, Naruto imagined.
"What do you want for it, kid? A commendation?" Mocked a local villager. Naruto shrugged.
"Maybe," he said. The villager huffed, pushing his cart. "Hey, want some help with that?"
"Well, I-" He didn't give the villager a second chance to protest, instead pushing it ahead. The villager trailed behind him, sighing wryly.
"Just put it over there," he said. "The Kyuubi Festival's coming up."
"Eh? Oh..." Naruto stumbled a little. "I uh... I almost forgot."
"How could you forget, kid?" The villager snorted. "It's only the biggest event in this village! Come on!"
"Well, it's kind of my birthday," Naruto said, shrugging. The villager chuckled.
"Damn kid, you must be unlucky," he said. "Born on the same day that happened?"
"Yeah... Unlucky," Naruto agreed. He finished pushing the cart up, and the villager held his hands up.
"That's good, kid. Thanks," he said, his smile a bit more genuine. Naruto shrugged with a smile of his own.
"No problem," he said. He turned and ran off, skipping from roof to roof.
Right... My birthday, he thought. October 10th. It was weird how he had almost forgotten-He was so busy with ninja stuff, and schooling, he hadn't remembered! Weird...
Ah well... Birthday was a birthday, right?
The classroom was noisy and rambunctious as usual. Nothing Mizuki couldn't ignore. He'd taken the period so Iruka could go on a date. He was happy the guy had developed something of a social life. Having it be with Anko of all people... Well, even the Demon could work miracles, he supposed.
His eyes wandered, as his memories returned to that day... And days after it.
A terror that filled everyone... A fire that never went out... Two eyes, and nine tails wriggling in the blackened skies like snakes...
"Trust in me," said the traitor, "and you can have... Anything you want."
"Anything you want..."
"Sensei? Yo, Sensei? Hello?"
Mizuki started, and looked into the blue eyes of the demon child. He forced a gentle smile on his face.
"Hello Naruto, what is it?" He asked. Naruto sighed and held up his scroll.
"Well, my team assignment for this exercise is blank," he said. "Exactly why is that?"
Mizuki chuckled. "Well, for this exercise you're going to have a special assignment... As are the other members of your team."
"Who are they?" Naruto asked flatly. Sakura cleared her throat. Sasuke grunted behind him. Naruto sighed and turned around.
"Oh, great," he said flatly.
"Just meet me on the roof after class," Mizuki said with a smile. "Don't worry... It's going to be great."
It wasn't like Naruto hated his teammates-He didn't think it was in him to really hate anybody. Sakura did annoy the hell out of him though-She hit him a lot for no reason. He was basically the only one who got rises out of Sakura, which... Made them friends? He didn't know.
And of course, Sasuke could be kind of weird.
A sleepy Naruto padded into the bathroom. He jumped when he saw Sasuke sitting in the window.
"Dude! What the fu-?!"
"Idiot. We had training practice today. You're late," Sasuke groused.
"... Ohhh... That was today, right," Naruto slowly nodded. At Sasuke's continuing scowl, he coughed. "Ah, sorry if I worried you-"
"I didn't worry," Sasuke stated flatly. "I just assumed you'd gotten your dumbass kidnapped or something. Be at the training ground in fifteen minutes." He leaped off. Naruto watched him go.
"D'aw, I think you made your boyfriend mad, Naru-kun~," crooned Anko. Naruto yelped and growled at her.
"HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"
Seriously weird.
"I don't see why we got assigned to a team," Sakura said. She flushed deeply when she looked over at Sasuke. "I-I mean, getting assigned to your team is great, Sasuke-kun! But with Naruto part of it? It doesn't make sense."
"What?" Naruto asked flatly. "I'm not good enough for the Uchiha club?"
"No," Sasuke said. Naruto smirked.
"Good to know," he replied. "Eastsiiide for life, yo!"
Sakura and Sasuke stared at him, and the gangsigns he'd just thrown. Naruto sighed.
"Nevermind."
They made it to the top of the stairwell, and walked onto the roof. They sat down, and Mizuki soon flipped up over the roof to smile at them all. Sakura smiled back brightly, Sasuke just brooded, and Naruto sighed and leaned forward.
Mizuki was an okay teacher, he guessed. He just seemed like he was only nice and cheerful because he was high. At least Suzume-sensei had the good decency to show what kept her going-A flask disguised as a tourniquet kit. Naruto had been to enough football games at Mile High Stadium to know what to look for.
"So!" Mizuki said, clapping his hands together, "I'm sure we all know each other, but why not introduce ourselves again?"
"I'm Haruno Sakura," the pink haired girl said cheerfully.
"Uchiha Sasuke," Sasuke replied, 'hn-ing' effectively.
"Naruto Uzumaki! ... I mean, Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto corrected quickly. Mizuki nodded.
"It's all right Naruto. I know you're still working on the language," he said. Naruto flushed, and scowled. He hated people babying him! It was so humiliating!
"Anyway," Mizuki began calmly, "the group training exercise is not only vital to your graduation, but also towards your future as ninjas. So you three will be working together on a special mock mission."
"But uh, why us Sensei?" Sakura asked. "I mean, Sasuke's the top of his class, after all, but Naruto-"
"Is just fine and will be an asset to the team," Mizuki said with a kindly smile. "As will you. Sometimes, you'll work with people you'd rather not. That's life."
"Tell me about it," Naruto muttered. Sakura scowled, and he shifted a bit further away. He was glad Sasuke was serving as his human shield. He'd have to get him something special for being such a bro. He even felt a little guilty for promising Sakura a pair of his boxers. Eh, he'd give her a pair of his. She couldn't be that obsessive a stalker she'd tell the difference, right?
"Now," Mizuki said, handing out scrolls. "The mock mission is due to begin tomorrow evening. You are to study these scrolls. No one else may know about your orders-Memorize them, and then burn the scrolls."
"Oh, cool! Just like a real mission!" Naruto said, perking up. That part was certainly cool. "Hey, will these messages self destruct?"
"Sorry Naruto, maybe next time," Mizuki laughed. "Now then! You three are dismissed. Study, meet at the assigned coordinates, plan your mission, and..." Here he grinned. "Good luck!"
"Thank you sensei!" Sakura said cheerfully. Sasuke echoed the phrase, though with far less energy and enthusiasm. Which was like saying the Sahara had slightly less water than the Pacific Ocean. Naruto just grinned, gave a salute, and jumped off the roof to head home. Mizuki was left on the roof, smiling softly.
"Yes... Good luck indeed," he murmured.
Continuing...