An American Ninja in Konohagakure
A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
Home was a small apartment in a colorful part of Konoha, and Naruto loved it. His room in it had a beautiful, wide window that looked out onto the Hokage monument itself. It was like having a front row seat to a national monument-Which, Naruto supposed, it was.
Still, he took a chance to sit down at his computer and watch the webcam link from home-To watch the sun dip behind the mountains. It was a familiar, comforting sight.
"Naruto?"
He started, and smiled when he saw the tired face of his father on the screen. "Hey Dad," he said. "How are you?"
He grunted, rubbing his temple. "Bit tired," he said. "I went for a ride on Bishop. Your mother's happy the mares are taking an interest in him-Might be able to get some foals out of them."
"That'd be nice," Naruto said with a nod. "Just don't do a C-section-That'd be weird."
"Heh. So what's up?" Rob asked with a smile. Naruto scratched the back of his head.
"I'm doing a mock mission," he said. He pulled out the scroll. "You know, basic spy ninja stuff-Read it, burn it, execute it."
"This a real ninja mission, or another prank on the ANBU locker room you wanted my advice on?" Rob asked, raising an eyebrow as he grinned. Naruto smiled back.
"No! It's the real thing, I swear," he said. He sighed. "Even if I still can't do the damn Clone Jutsu."
"Didn't Kakashi say he knew why?" Rob asked. Naruto grumbled.
"Yeah, but he got called away over business with this 'Orochimaru' guy," he said. "Big deal."
"Ah well... If you can't figure it out, Naruto, then my suggestion?" Rob said. Naruto smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Find a way to fake it," Rob said. "I mean, a clone's a clone, right?"
"Sakura would say that's a gross oversimplification," Naruto said with a smirk.
"What, quoting the pink haired girl again? Is Hinata going to be tossed aside? You dog, you," Rob teased. Naruto flushed.
"DAD! I do NOT like her like that!"
Rob chuckled. "Just teasing... And hey. Regardless of what those dolts say, I know you can handle this."
"Thanks Dad," Naruto said with a smile. Rob nodded.
"Now, get to work, and then sleep. No sense being tired when you execute the mission," Rob said. "You're too young to run on coffee and junk food."
"Like you?"
"Go to sleep, son..."
The meeting place was Ichiraku Ramen, a small shop on the outer ring of the market place. Naruto had been by there a few times, or seen it, but he'd always been too busy training to sit down and appreciate it. Even as he stepped into the stand, the smell reached out to him and filled his nostrils. A smell that beckoned, a smell that taunted and promised untold wonder and taste.
Not to mention the super hot sixteen year old girl working behind the counter, who graced him with a warm smile. "Hi! I'm Ayame! What's your name?"
"I… I'm Naruto," Naruto managed. Steam flew up from the fryers, and it blew Ayame's hair up. The clouds wreathed her like clouds in heaven, and she beamed like the sun. She held up a bowl, and giggled, a sound that reminded Naruto of bluebirds welcoming the new day.
"A name like that? And a new customer? Have a sample…" She winked. "On the house!"
He slowly sat down at the stool, and took the offering with reverence. He sniffed deeply, and his mouth watered. He took the chopsticks, and clumsily swirled some of the noodles up onto it. This… This smelled nothing like the prepackaged stuff he'd had sometimes before Anko-nee-san had taken up guardianship of him!
He took a bite… And groaned happily. It also tasted like nothing he'd had! For some reason, everything in the universe seemed to come together in that moment. Rich noodles, savory broth, delicious toppings… A commercial couldn't have done better to sell him on Ichiraku Ramen.
Naruto knew where he was, was good. And who was serving him, clearly must be an angel of the Lord. And He had not forgotten Naruto in this crazy world of magic wizard ninjas. He had been kind, and granted his follower a boon. A taste of heaven.
"How is it?" Ayame asked. Naruto looked up at her, eyes watering.
"It's… It's good," he breathed. "Really good."
The angel beamed at him. "Why thank you! It's hard to run the shop all by myself on this shift, but my dad's sick. I'm glad to know my work's still good."
Naruto grinned nervously, about to say something else to praise the food-
"You're late," Sasuke said flatly, shaking Naruto out of his reverie. He scowled at Sasuke, who was sitting on the furthest stool he could from Sakura. It hadn't worked out quite as he'd planned though-The rosette had trapped him against the side of the booth with open books and scrolls.
"Sorry, I had some trouble finding the place," Naruto apologized. He grinned up at Ayame. "Never again, though," he promised. The ramen girl laughed softly, and ruffled his hair. He blushed deeply.
"Aw… You're sweet," she said.
"He's also working," Sakura said, sounding annoyed. If Naruto had to guess, it was because Sasuke was also staring up at Ayame. Naruto scowled-The ramen angel was his!
"Oh… Oh! That Ninja team exercise, right?" Ayame asked. She nodded and winked. "I've got some work to do in the back anyway." She turned and vanished behind a curtain, leaving Naruto to groan and Sasuke to grunt… Though despondently for him.
"Now focus," Sakura said flatly. She pulled out a blank scroll and set it down on the counter, pushing aside the bowls of food they'd already consumed. "The target is in the Tower, in the Hokage's office." She turned to Naruto. "Naruto, you know the layout of the room. Sasuke will observe the guard rotations to figure out-"
"Midnight's the best time to strike," Naruto interrupted. "It's right in the middle of the guard shift. They'll be bored and inattentive."
He'd observed it a few times when his mom had called in the middle of the night over nightmares.
"Are you sure?" Sakura asked, biting her lower lip. "My parents might get upset-"
"Do you want to be a ninja, or a school girl?" Sasuke asked, more than a little annoyed. Sakura winced, and nodded.
"R-Right, Sasuke-kun. Um… I'll just tell them it's for the test." She scratched out some symbols in Kanji with a pen, which Naruto… Kind of knew. "What we're looking for is marked 'Forbidden Seals Scroll'."
"That sounds pretty melodramatic," Naruto observed, going back to his ramen. It wasn't quite as good without Ayame beaming down on him like the sun, but it was still spectacularly good. He almost didn't miss cheeseburgers or milkshakes for a few moments.
"Hn. Probably Mizuki-sensei's idea of a joke," Sasuke opined.
"In any case, we need to get in, grab the scroll, and get out," Sakura said with a nod. "So… Um… Sasuke-kun? Any ideas?"
"... We get in and get out," Sasuke said flatly. "Do we need more of a plan?"
A half-remembered Justice League episode hit Naruto's mind, and he shook his head. "Hey, every heist needs a good plan."
"'Heist'?" Sakura asked, unfamiliar with the English word. Naruto might have smacked himself.
"It means 'robbery', in uh… Whirlpoolese," he covered. He pulled the blank scroll over, and drew the layout of the Hokage's office. "Okay-We hit at midnight. We want to put this down to two, three minutes at most." He rubbed his chin. "Hey Sasuke! You've got fire jutsu, right?"
"Yes," Sasuke said flatly. Naruto beamed and nodded.
"Okay! You stay outside the tower and cover us. Anyone busts in, you set something on fire. Or someone."
"Um… Are you sure?" Sakura asked worriedly. "I mean, what if we get in trouble-?"
"The scroll did say 'by any means necessary, short of death,'" Sasuke reminded Sakura. The pink haired girl sighed and nodded.
"Oh, all right… Um… I will go in with Naruto to identify the scroll, and make sure it's the right one," she said. "Naruto can use smoke bombs and flash tags to cover our escape."
"What if the Hokage is working late? He has done that before," Sasuke said, glancing over at Naruto. The blonde smirked.
"Relax, I can play innocent," Naruto said cheerfully. "Like, uh… I'm on a date with Nerdy here! To show her the awesomeness of the Hokage Office!"
"Ugh! A date, with you?" Sakura groaned. "I'd never!"
"We're pretending, Sakura," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes, "like I'll be pretending as hard as I can to want to be on a date with you."
"Jackass!" Sakura growled, punching him. Naruto groaned, and rubbed his head.
"All that kung fu bullshit and I still can't dodge her! It's not fair," he whined. Sasuke smirked-He'd pay for that! But later.
Naruto shook his head clear of the pain. "Anyway, we drop the flashtags, you guys make Bunshin to jump in different directions, and then we take the long way to the rendezvous point."
"Why the long way?" Sasuke asked. Naruto grinned.
"Well, they'd expect us to take the most direct route out of Konoha, right? So we take the long way to throw them off!"
Sakura nodded. "Okay… We have a solid plan," she said, as though not quite believing it herself. She rolled up the scroll. "I say… Let's get ready!"
"Yeah! Go Team Venture!" Naruto hooted, throwing his hand up into the air over Sakura's head. Sasuke sighed, and raised his hand to hi-five Naruto back. Sakura blinked in confusion.
"What's-? Another Whirlpool thing?"
"Yes," Naruto said with a nod. "Sasuke likes it though."
"No I don't," Sasuke grunted. "I just did it so you wouldn't follow me around, begging me to 'not leave you hanging.'"
"It's bad karma! Or something," Naruto said.
The Hokage Tower was fairly quiet when the three academy students arrived. Naruto hummed and rubbed his chin as he looked around the area.
"Hmm... Hey Sasuke? Can you look through solid objects with those fancy eyes of yours?"
"No," Sasuke said flatly. "That's the Byakugan."
"And he doesn't have it anyway! Um... No offense Sasuke-kun," Sakura said worriedly. The Uchiha survivor snorted.
"Not yet," he growled. Naruto held his hands up.
"Okay, okay... I'm sorry. I just thought that you guys would have, I dunno, an Infrared Vision Jutsu."
"What?" Sasuke asked, blinking. Sakura too looked confused. Naruto sighed.
"Cavemen, I tell you. Absolute cavemen. I feel like Marty McFly," he muttered. "Anyway! Let's go!" He used the henge to provide camouflage. Sasuke and Sakura followed suit, and leaped off to the tower. They climbed up on small outcroppings and pits and grooves in the surface of the tower. Naruto was a little happy that he was able to stay ahead of Sasuke and Sakura-Okay, maybe it was petty, but he didn't care.
The balcony leading to the office was in easy reach, and Naruto and Sakura vaulted over the railing to the floor. Sasuke stayed perched on the railing, pressing his back against the outside of the wall to hide his profile. Naruto and Sakura walked in, taking her hand. Sakura scowled.
"What are you-?"
"I'm going to throw you at the Hokage if he pops in," Naruto said. Sakura gaped.
"You wouldn't!" She hissed, yanking her hand back. Naruto shrugged.
"I could say holding your hand gives me comfort."
"That'd be worse!" Sakura whispered. Naruto grinned.
"Good! Now... I think the forbidden stuff is around..." He walked up to a trunk, and opened it up. "Here. Maybe."
Sakura rolled her eyes and rummaged through the trunk full of scrolls. "Let's see... No, no, no," she muttered. "No... Oh! Here it is." She pulled out the large scroll with a grunt. "I mean, I think this is what we're looking for."
"Let me check," Naruto said, opening the scroll up. He scanned the page with a furrowed brow. Sakura scowled. "Hm! Hey! 'Forbidden Jutsu'! You're right!"
"Don't read it, idiot!" Sakura growled, smacking the back of his head.
"Ow! Why not?"
"We're on a mission! We're not supposed to read the scroll-That's what Mizuki-sensei said-!" Sakura protested, but Naruto glared.
"Oh come on! We're ninja! We're supposed to find out secrets and crap!"
"Not like this!" Sakura scolded, taking the scroll and attaching a cord to the ends. She slung it over his shoulders and scowled. "Now hang onto it, and let's get out of-"
The light turned on, and Naruto and Sakura spun around to see the Hokage standing in the doorway. Sarutobi looked surprised.
"Naruto? What are you-?" He asked. Naruto quickly grabbed Sakura's hand and grinned.
"Hey Old Man! Don't mind us-I mean, we're just on a date, ya know?" He grinned and winked. Sarutobi raised an eyebrow.
"To my office?" Sarutobi asked wryly.
"Wait, wha-" Sakura tried, but Naruto yanked the stupefied girl up to his side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and nudged her.
"Well, you know... I wanted to impress her," he said. "She loves books and old scrolls, and I knew how to get into your office..." He grinned. "Ya know, youthful folly! There's a lot of stuff you'll do for a pretty girl!"
"Um... R-Right," Sakura said, blushing a bit heavily. "I... I'm impressed," she said, as convincingly as she could manage. Sarutobi stared for a moment, and smirked.
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," he said. "Naruto? Good luck... And Miss... Haruno, right?"
Sakura nodded. Sarutobi beamed.
"Go easy on him, hm? He's a good kid... Albeit a bit of an idiot."
"Hey!" Naruto protested, the scroll sliding open as he leaned forward to glare, "don't cockblock me, Old Man! That's not fair!"
"Cockblock?" Sakura asked, blinking in confusion at the English word. The Hokage coughed, and looked askance... Before he spotted the scroll. His eyes widened.
"Naruto! What the hell are you doing with that?" Sarutobi gasped in shock. "It's forbidden!"
"Uhhh..." Naruto began. Sakura yanked out a smoke bomb, but Naruto was faster with his handseals. "Sexy Jutsu!"
POOF!
Sakura waved away the smoke, and her jaw dropped. A tall, voluptuous woman with long purple hair in a scandalous orange swimsuit appeared, leaning against the table. She shot the Hokage a sizzlingly hot stare, licking her lips and reaching up to run her hand down her throat and over a cross-shaped necklace that dangled between her large, full breasts. Sakura could even see water pouring down every inch of the woman's skin.
"Forbidden, Hokage-sama~?" She breathed in a vixen's voice. The Hokage stared, red faced... Before blood burst from his nostrils and he fell backwards. Naruto poofed out of his form, and blinked worriedly.
"Um... Is he going to be okay-?"
"SASUKE! DISTRACTION!" Sakura screamed. Sasuke, outside, nodded and fired off a few fireballs at the rooftops of the buildings at the base of the tower. Sakura threw down a smoke bomb, and grabbed Naruto's hand. They leaped out of the balcony, and Sasuke jumped after them.
"Holy crap! He's not dead, is he?" Naruto asked in concern.
"What could you possibly do to knock out the Hokage?" Sasuke asked in disbelief. "Sakura? He's lying, right-?"
"I'M SURE HE'S FINE!" Sakura yelled, blushing in outrage. She shook her head. "I cannot believe that worked..."
"Still, hey, mission accomplished!" Naruto said cheerfully, as they took to the rooftops and trees at high speed along their escape route. "And hey! I've got a jutsu that can bring down a Kage! Score!"
"Seriously?" Sasuke asked. "I'm going to need to learn it."
"Oh sure, I'll show you how to-" Naruto began, but Sakura managed to strike them both in midair.
"NO YOU WON'T! And SHUT UP! We're escaping, you idiots!" Sakura seethed, cheeks still bright red.
"Owwww!"
I've decided to just go for it. All of it. With random flashbacks!