An American Ninja in Konohagakure
A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
The morning was clear and brisk, which Sakura appreciated. There were few people on the streets and little noise in the air as the ninja village came alive. This allowed her to think as she made her way to her team's meeting place.
Of all her classmates, Sakura had enjoyed mysteries the most. She just had this innate desire to figure stuff out, to learn. To understand. It was part of what made her so standoffish-She wanted to observed and learn as much as she could. And as it turned out, the biggest mystery of all had been sitting underneath her nose and she'd overlooked it. All because he was kind of annoying.
Naruto Uzumaki. That he was the container for the Nine Tails was a surprise. It utterly blindsided her, even though in hindsight it probably should have made sense. She'd missed a lot of little clues, little somethings that would have let her put it all together. And she'd failed at it. One of the biggest mysteries in village history, and she'd flubbed it! It was irritating. She prided herself on being intelligent, and this had escaped her.
She resolved, as she walked to the Team 7 meeting, to be more observant. After all, if she had been paying attention, maybe she would have caught Mizuki's treachery. Maybe she would have noticed earlier something was wrong.
She turned the corner on a little fabric shop and smiled as she spied the bridge her team met at. Her smile grew a bit more when she saw her comrades, Naruto and Sasuke, sitting on the bridge and talking. She slowed her walk and dropped her chakra signature, to eavesdrop inconspicuously. After all, this was the perfect opportunity to spy on Naruto... And more importantly, Sasuke.
Maybe she wanted to figure the blonde out, but she wasn't giving up on her favorite hobby.
"... So this scientist got hit by his own... Chakra bomb?" Sasuke asked, scowling a bit. Naruto nodded.
"Gamma bomb, but close enough. Yeah! And so, whenever he's angry, he turns into the Incredible Hulk!"
"I don't even understand how that's supposed to work," Sasuke said, waving his hand dismissively. "I thought those bombs killed people in Uzugakure?"
"Oh yeah! They do," Naruto confirmed with a nod.
"So why have I never read anything about them? Or that they turn people into raging green monsters?" Sasuke inquired. Naruto rubbed the back of his head, and grinned.
"Heh... Well... It was a ninja village, after all."
"It's a giant explosion," Sasuke pointed out. "And an unstoppable green monster. I think someone would notice."
"This from the guy who calls himself a ninja and shoots giant fireballs out of his mouth," Naruto countered. Sasuke snorted.
"That's different."
"It is not," Naruto grumbled. He perked up when Sakura entered his field of vision. "Oh, hey Sakura!"
"Morning Naruto, morning Sasuke-kun," Sakura said with a frustrated smile. Of all the things to listen in on!
She walked up to the side of Sasuke, and pulled herself up onto the bridge's handrail to sit beside him. He stared ahead stoically, as she settled to get comfortable.
"So... This green monster you were talking about?" Sakura asked. "Any relation to Maito Gai?"
Naruto snorted. "Nah... Much more friendly. Besides, he's more like Bruce Lee... On a Disney overdose."
His companions stared at him. Naruto thought about the merits of explaining all of that to them... And decided to change the subject. He grinned, and pulled his backpack off to set it in his lap.
"But enough of that! Happy anniversary, guys!"
"Anniversary?" Sakura asked, blinking in curiosity. Sasuke frowned.
"Of what?" Sasuke asked.
"It has now been one month since we became a team!" Naruto said cheerfully. He was, admittedly, a little mystified at how Konoha stayed so warm despite it being November. Then again, he did live in Colorado. The weather there was at least as unpredictable.
"And this warrants a celebration?" Sasuke asked sarcastically. Naruto nodded, and opened his backpack.
"It does, if it also lets me hand out these," he said, pulling out a strange, blocky handle. He twisted a knob on it, and a serrated, segmented blade popped out. Naruto yelped a bit as the blade nearly got his hand. "Geez! These things can really extend..."
"What is it?" Sakura asked. "It looks like a sword..."
"Technically, they're extending knives," Naruto explained. "They're hyper compressed composite metal blades, with a chakra filament system running through them hooked up to an oscillator and..." He trailed off as his friends looked more and more mystified, "...and basically, you run chakra through them and they vibrate ultra fast. It makes it easier to cut through things with them. My mom sent me some from Uzu, and I wanted to share!"
He handed the extended blade to Sasuke, who took it. He nodded approvingly, checking the balance. Naruto held out a second blade, and Sakura shrugged and took it.
"Well... Thank you Naruto," Sakura said with a smile. "I mean... I don't know when we'll get to use them."
"Hopefully soon," Sasuke said, sliding off the bridge rail to practice a few swings with his new weapon. "I'm getting tired of walking dogs and carrying groceries."
"Yeah, me too," Naruto said, pulling out his own blade and safely attaching it to his belt. "Seriously, this is what ninjas actually do?"
"I guess until we're ready for something bigger," Sakura said with a shrug. "And Kakashi-sensei has to determine that."
"Indeed, I do," Kakashi said, appearing out of nowhere. Naruto managed to not jump this time-His sensei had teased him mercilessly about it.
"So... Is there a chance we'll get a mission that isn't D-Ranked?" Naruto asked hopefully. Kakashi smiled, shrugged...
"We'll have to see how fate lands. After all, I did cross a black cat this morning," he explained.
"Which is why you're late?" Naruto guessed. Kakashi eye smiled again.
"Precisely-"
"Liar!" Sakura growled.
"Hey come on Sakura, that's not very nice," Naruto admonished. Kakashi beamed. "It could just as easily been he won the lottery."
"Or had to help an old woman with her things," Sasuke dryly stated.
"Or had to get a shot for an STD," Naruto snickered.
"Or surgery for the hairlip he's probably hiding under his mask," Sakura giggled. The other genin laughed. Kakashi laughed too. Softly. Dangerously.
"Oh yes, today's going to be just filled with fun times," the cyclopean ninja said ominously.
As far as D-Ranked missions were concerned... This one wasn't too bad.
From Naruto's point of view, anyway.
"I demand you entertain me with something new, Haruno," the small girl with pale eyes stated with an imperiousness all Hyuuga seemed to learn at some age. Hanabi had just learned it sooner. Sakura sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"I've gone through all your books, you didn't like any of them."
"Then tell me a story," Hanabi ordered, "that isn't boring and horrible. Like you."
Sakura's eyes narrowed, her fists clenching and unclenching. "I am not boring and horrible, and you should be more polite to your elders!"
"If you're older, shouldn't you have a bigger chest than me?" Hanabi asked mockingly. Sakura's eyebrows twitched.
Some distance away, Naruto and Sasuke watched from a bench in the Hyuuga compound. Kakashi was no where to be seen-He'd said he had to go discuss something "urgent" with the Hokage, but both ninja suspected he was just watching the potential fireworks.
"Geez, I think Sakura's head is going to explode," Naruto muttered to Sasuke. The Uchiha survivor nodded minutely.
"Not sure why she isn't giving you hell," Naruto grumbled. Sasuke shrugged.
"Neither am I," he said. "Historically, our clans have been rivals for decades."
"Is there any clan yours wasn't a rival with?" Naruto asked flatly. Sasuke shrugged and smirked a bit.
"That's the price you pay for being the best. Something you'll never know."
"Keep telling yourself that," Naruto said, "and maybe it'll come true."
"You! Uzumaki!" Hanabi cried. Naruto sat up, and sighed at the imperious gaze of the young Hyuuga girl.
"Yes?"
"This pink haired harpy has failed to entertain me," she said, as Sakura fumed nearby. "You do something to amuse me!"
Naruto thought about it for a while... And smiled.
"Sure thing," he said. "Kage Bunshin no jutsu! HENGE!"
Several large, furry creatures emerged from the duplicates of Naruto that appeared from his jutsu. One appeared to be a distorted example of a bear, with dull dead eyes and a top hat. Another was an anthropomorphic chick in hot pants and a bib. Still another was a large blue bunny, and the last was a half-mechanical fox with an eyepatch and a hook for a hand. Hanabi stared at the beings curiously, as they advanced on her.
"Hello little girl, huh huh!" The bear laughed in a dopey, vaguely ominous voice. "Do you want to go and have a party?"
"I do," Hanabi said flatly. "You will party with me!"
"No problem, huh huh huh!" The bear laughed, as he picked Hanabi up and carried her to the nearest door of the compound. The other henged clones followed, and the doors shut behind them. Naruto smiled in a self satisfied sort of way, as Sasuke and Sakura stared at him.
"Dare I ask what those horrible looking things were?" Sakura asked, walking up to her male teammates with a frown.
"Freddy Fazbear and his gang. They entertain millions of children back home in Whirlpool," he said confidently. "If anything can make that primadonna behave, it's them."
"I have a bad feeling about this," Sasuke muttered. Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Trust me! Either it'll turn out fine... Or we'll never be asked to babysit for the Hyuugas ever again."
"Sounds like a good plan," Sakura agreed.
"Good! If you'll excuse me," Naruto said. He pulled out some earplugs with strange strings attached to them, and plugged them into his ears. He then fiddled with a device he'd brought along, and leaned back with closed eyes. "Ahhh..." He sighed happily, and the faint sound of music filled the air. Sakura looked over at Sasuke with a warm smile.
"So Sasuke... You want to talk about anything?"
"... Not especially," Sasuke decided. He got up and walked to the nearby training posts, deciding he'd use his new free time to train. The moment he punched it though, Sakura's pink hair and green eyes filled his vision again.
"I understand. Quiet solitude, wanting to think things out," Sakura said, a bit nervously. "I-I like to do a lot of that, too. You know, contemplate the universe and all. Consider new paths forward. What the future holds..."
Sasuke very slowly nodded. "Right..."
Sakura smiled, continuing. "Like, did you ever notice how the housing market goes in cycles of growth and bust? I do. It's an important factor for planning out the future."
"... Yes," Sasuke managed. He glanced around. Granted, Sakura had helped save his life. But also granted, she had been getting kind of clingy and annoying lately.
"Especially with plotting out how your career as a ninja will go," Sakura went on. "Have you thought about investments or anything like that? I mean, not that I have, but since you're technically a clan head I thought you might be interested in that kind of thing... In case you aren't..."
There must be a distraction for her... But what? He spied a chakra signature behind a nearby paper thin wall. A familiar one, staring intently in the direction of Naruto...
"Hn," he muttered. He moved out of the line of sight, and then accelerated quickly. He yanked open the sliding door, and he was greeted with an 'eep!' and a thump as Hinata Hyuuga fell back. Sakura caught up, staring in disbelief.
"Sasuke...? Hinata...?"
"Uh... Um... I... I-I..." Hinata tried.
"Your team off today?" Sasuke asked. The Hyuuga heiress managed a flustered nod. "Good. You can talk to Naruto."
"Ah?!" Hinata gasped. "T-T-Talk?! To-To him?!"
"Yes... And if you need advice," Sasuke said, "you can talk to Sakura. She's very knowledgeable about... Things," he said vaguely. "I'm going to go find Hanabi." He ventured into the hallways of the compound, hopefully leaving his fangirl behind. Sakura looked at Hinata, who had managed to get back to her feet. The girl was very pretty, Sakura admitted, and very developed... And kept nervously looking over at Naruto. Almost like...
Sakura smiled. "Advice, huh?" She asked.
"Uh... Um... W-Well... That is..." Hinata tried, but Sakura held up her hand.
"Don't worry. I know just what to do. Trust me! I'm an expert on the ways of love," Sakura said cheerfully. "I've read up plenty on it!"
"Oh... Really?" Hinata asked, embarrassed but still curious. Sakura nodded.
"You bet! Just listen to me and you'll have that blonde dummy eating out of your hand!"
Naruto hummed along to the music on his MP3 player, patting the bench. He had a slight mental link with his Kage Bunshin-Just enough to know they were all right and still at work. Anything else though, he couldn't get until one popped. It was weird when that happened, like he was dreaming and then suddenly, boom, he realized he was seeing something real. At least, that's the best he could come up with. His mother had nearly flipped her lid over it, but she was happy about the fact he could study more.
So was he. He could have his clones do his homework, and then "pop" them to get whatever they'd learned! Unless they'd slacked off, in which case he was screwed. So far it hadn't happened, but he sometimes wondered if his duplicates would turn against him. He swore, a few of them had been transforming themselves to have Mirror Spock-style goatees when he wasn't looking...
"Naruto... Naruto!" Someone shouted faintly through the music. He started, and pulled his ear buds out. He looked to his right-Hinata Hyuuga stood there, fidgeting, with Sakura standing behind her with a smile.
"Oh! Hey Hinata!" Naruto said cheerfully. "I didn't know you were here!"
"Um... Uh... That... That's okay," she managed softly. So softly, Naruto could barely hear her. Sakura elbowed Hinata, and the pale girl flushed. "Um... I uh... How are your missions going?" She managed.
Naruto grinned and shrugged. "Eh, okay. Kind of lame though! I mean, babysitting, cleaning up garbage, walking dogs... Not really ninja stuff, you know?" He made a face. "Bah... How about you?"
"Oh... Um... I graduate next month," she explained. "B-But I did go on a practice trip... To re-recover a... A balloon."
"A balloon?" Naruto asked, frowning. Hinata nodded.
"Y-Yes... Apparently the Hokage office has launched a lot of them... F-For... Um... Whirlpool?"
"OH! Right!" Naruto said, smacking his forehead. "Right. My dad told me they were a bunch of surveillance and weather balloons! I didn't pay much attention because... Um..." He shrugged. "They're balloons."
"Very strange balloons though," Sakura prompted, "right Hinata?"
"Y-Yes," Hinata said. "Um... Ah... They had... Uh..." She fidgeted, looking like a rabbit about to bolt. Naruto blinked, confused. Did he say something wrong?
"You okay?" Naruto asked. Sakura sighed... And then smiled deviously. Naruto wasn't sure he was going to like this.
"Hey Naruto! How about that thing you're always listening to! What is it?" Sakura asked. She elbowed Hinata again, and the Hyuuga heiress winced. She nevertheless managed to nod.
"Y-Yes... What... What is it's... Purpose?"
"Purpose?" Naruto asked. He stood up and shrugged. "Well, you just... Listen to music on it. You know, for listening to music... And dancing."
Sakura smirked. "Oh? Dancing, huh? I don't think Hyuugas dance," she said, almost slyly. Hinata held a hand to mouth, shaking her head.
"I... Um... I-I don't... I mean, I've never..."
"You don't dance?" Naruto asked. He blinked. Holy crap, Guardians of the Galaxy was right!
So there was only one way for Naruto to fix this.
"That's terrible! See, back on Ear-err, Whirlpool... In Whirlpool," he quickly corrected, "there is the legend of... Dirty Dancing. Where there was a whole town of people who didn't dance, because they had sticks up their asses. And a great hero, named Kevin Bacon, came to show them how awesome dancing was! And took the... The sticks out of their asses."
Hinata looked horrified, as did Sakura. "Who... Who would be so cruel?" Hinata gasped. "To stick sticks up people's... Asses?"
"Is there a jutsu that lets you do that?" Sakura murmured thoughtfully. Naruto shuddered, and decided to skip to the next part of the scene. Hey, it was all he had to go on, right?
He wiped his earbuds off on his shirt, and gently held his hands up to Hinata's ears. She blushed an even brighter red as his fingers touched her ears, and he gently pushed the buds in. "Okay, look... Just listen."
He flipped through the albums on his MP3 player, and grinned as he found the right one. He tapped it, and the sound of "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" was heard faintly from the earbuds. This close to Hinata's face, it was easy to pick up... And see how pretty her eyes were, and how her lips seemed very nice and... And...
"It... It's nice," she said softly. "But... But I don't... I don't understand it."
"Oh... Um... It's a song about... Falling in love, when you didn't expect to," Naruto said with a shrug. "It's kind of mushy, but my mom really loved it... And she taught me how to dance to stuff like it."
"O-Oh...?" Hinata asked. Naruto nodded, and took her right hand in his. He took her hand, and put it onto his shoulder. He then carefully put his hand behind her, settling it on her lower back.
"Yeah. Ballroom dancing. It's kind of lame, but... It can be kind of fun," Naruto said, gently swaying with Hinata in time to the music. The girl was burning bright red, and trembling... But she followed along, soon following Naruto's clumsy steps. Naruto smiled, though he was blushing a bit himself.
"I'm sorry if it's kind of boring," he said. Hinata shook her head.
"N-N-No! It... it isn't boring...!" She said quickly.
"I'll say," Sakura said, smiling brightly next to them. Naruto sighed.
"Could you go... Do that somewhere else?" He asked flatly.
"Nope," Sakura said with a bright grin. "Too pleased with myself."
"Pleased over what?" Naruto asked in disbelief, as Hinata's blush burned brighter. But whatever she might have said was drowned out by Hanabi's scream of terror.
"AAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"
Hanabi shot out of the nearby door, pale and shrieking. She slammed into Naruto, kicking the blonde boy in the shins and sending him down to the ground in his surprise.
"URK! What the-?!"
"STOP THOSE ABOMINATIONS!" Hanabi shrieked. "STOP THEM! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" She beat on Naruto furiously, her fists slamming into his chest and gut.
"URK! ARGH! OKAY OKAY OKAY!" Naruto cried. "I WILL! I WILL!"
Sasuke walked up, eyebrows raised. "... This was worth it," he decided.
"SHUT UP SASUKE!" Naruto growled.
Sakura looked at Hinata, who was standing stock still. She still had the MP3 player in her hands, and was staring down at her sister with... Was that a murderous look? On the gentle Hyuuga's face?
No way. She had to have imagined it, for Hinata was back to stuttering.
"H-Hanabi! Please! Stop it!"
"Yes, please stop the vicious eight year old from beating Naruto up," Sasuke added.
"I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE, SASUKE! JUST YOU WAIT! ARRRGH!"
So of course, Kakashi had to show up at this time. But rather than gloat, he merely informed his students the mission was done and they were due back at the office. Hanabi was separated from Naruto, and glared at him deeply. Hinata held onto the MP3 player, looking nervous as she stood in front of Team 7 at the gate.
"Um... Th-Thank you," she said. "Um... N-Naruto... Your... Your music-"
"Oh, thanks!" Naruto said, taking it back. His hands brushed over hers, and she turned bright red again. "You can pull the earbuds out-"
"Oh just do it yourself Naruto, don't be lazy," Sakura said. Naruto leaned forward, his nose bumping into Hinata's as he reached up to pull the earbuds out.
"Fine, fine, I-Ah! Hinata? You okay?" He gasped as the pale girl fainted dead away. "AH! OH GOD! CALL 911! Hinata, you okay?! Speak to me!"
Sakura smirked a bit, arms folded in front of her chest as the smiling Hinata was fussed over by a panicking Naruto. Kakashi nodded.
"Not bad," he said. "Far too easy."
"I am just beginning, Sensei," Sakura said glibly, looking over at Sasuke. The Uchiha survivor, appropriately enough, shuddered.
A bit more fun than just having Tora the Cat be caught, wouldn't you agree?