Ratings: PG13
Warnings: Violence, Swearing
Genre: Angst, Romance, High School, Drama, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story, living (or passed) human beings or fictional characters. These events never happened, according to history or as the original author intended them. This is a work of fiction and is not intended to offend. For entertainment purposes only. Thanks.
Also, the original characters developed in this story are that of the author's creation. They are not to be copied without written permission.
Chapter 6 - The Beast Rising:
Monday, October 17th
It was tense in the house Saturday morning and remained so all weekend. Atsushi was worried. He usually looked forwards to the days away from school but this morning he was afraid to leave his room. He didn't want his parents or his siblings to watch him, scrutinize him as if every action he did would be to kill another damned crow. He was bitterly glad the crow died, trying to cover his guilt with the basis that crows were annoying anyways, but he was saddened by it. Especially since he was being so heavily punished. He spent most of Saturday hidden in his room, until Fuji came by in the evening and reminded him that he was in charge of all of his siblings' chores. Atsushi frowned but with his eldest brother's encouragement he put on a brave face and headed downstairs. He set the table for dinner even though it was too early to, and then he began to clean up the living room. He tied his hair back in a low ponytail and put on his headphones while he dusted and vacuumed the living room, cleaned the showers, bathtubs, and toilets, and mopped the hardwood floor upstairs. He ate dinner standing up at the kitchen counter rather than sit with his family, too ashamed to face them all, and after he washed, dried, and put away all the dinner dishes, he headed into the basement and began to clean up the mess he had made down there before he went to see Akashi on Wednesday.
He stayed in the basement until it was too late for his family to be awake any longer, then he sulk to bed. Sunday was spent cleaning his siblings' rooms, watering the houseplants, cleaning the yard, doing all the laundry and dishes again, and then once he was finally done with all the chores, he had to start on his homework. Kise called and they spoke briefly, and he was grateful when Fuji brought him a bowl of chocolate ice cream in the evening and sat on his bed to spend some private time with him. His eldest brother confessed he had stayed away from him to distract the family and keep them from constantly checking in on Atsushi, to which Atsushi was rather grateful. They didn't speak of Akashi, but rather around the topic of him and the feelings Atsushi harboured towards him, so Sunday night ended with a bittersweet feeling associated with it. Atsushi felt like he was given the chance to tell Fuji what he had planned, but he didn't take it. He chose to stay quiet. And that made him feel guilty about actually leaving tomorrow.
Atsushi had a hard time falling asleep and was startled awake when his alarm went off on Monday morning. He was glad once his eyes were open, and his enthusiasm must have tipped off his siblings because the twins were watching his moves closely - though indirectly - as they readied for their own morning. It didn't help that there was two of them; most of the time they acted as one anyways, but it was still an inconvenience to Atsushi, who had to work extra carefully to make sure they had no reason to suspect him.
Breakfast was a harder duty than usual. On a typical day Atsushi could get away with rushing out the door on his skateboard with something small and easy to eat on the go, like a piece of toast, wedged between his teeth. But since the incident with the police and his unusually quiet weekend, his parents had turned up the discipline on him, and he had to endure being scrutinized as he forced himself to eat his pancake and eggs at the table with the rest of his siblings. He tapped his foot impatiently, trying to make it seem like he was keeping time with the music blaring from his headphones, but he swallowed food too fast or fidgeted too much to really sell the impression that he was calm.
He didn't want to be the first to leave the house and so he went to the fridge for a glass of orange juice to kill some time. He gathered the breakfast dishes afterwards and washed them, using the chore as an excuse to linger behind. The twins spared him one final look of suspicion before they laced up their shoes and headed on their way. Nori and his parents had all headed out beforehand. Fuji was in the bathroom, taking advantage of the fact that everyone else would be leaving to have a long warm shower. It would be safe now for Atsushi to take his leave, but he wasn't heading to school.
Atsushi's hand shook as he placed the empty glass in the sink. He didn't want to any of his family to worry, but it wasn't as if he was in any real danger. He scouted out the rest of the house, making sure he had the place to himself before he acted; he couldn't risk being caught.
The house was empty besides Fuji, who was busy in the shower. The quiet disturbed Atsushi. He headed back upstairs and quickly changed his clothing, before he switched his schoolbag for his duffle bag. It felt unsafe to be acting so hastily, without waiting for the clock to assure him that no one would have doubled back, but he knew that the extra time would be required. He grabbed his board and locked the door behind himself, before heading to the train station.
The streets weren't nearly as crowded as they seemed to be whenever he headed to school. He supposed the teenage rush to school would clog up the streets and that was the usual delay he would see. As he was headed in the opposite direction from the schools, he was sure to encounter less and less of the younger population, and that meant a higher population of cars, transit commuters, and the business class.
He wasn't able to keep still at the train station. At any given moment one of his parents' friends or co-workers would see him and alert his family as to where he was and what it looked like he was doing; he always did stand out in a crowd. Trying to blend as best as he could into the background of the world around him, he tried to sooth his nerves with the lyrics that had become so familiar to him. These words acted as medicine in his veins, they were like a bible to him. They kept the dark and the pain away, not by banishing it but by understanding it, by making sense of it. He breathed deeply as the train arrived and, as the sweat slid down the back of his neck, he got on as if it were part of his daily commute and settle into his seat for the long ride.
As the train pulled into his stop, Murasakibara rose and had to duck his head to get out of the cabin. His heart was racing in his chest, hammering a fast beat against his ribs, and he tried to be just as small and unnoticeable as he did when he entered the train. Once outside the tight space, he slung his duffle bag over his shoulder and nestled it against the small of his back so he could use his board with ease. He hadn't been in the area for over a year but the streets were as familiar to him as if he had walked them just yesterday. He took it slow on his board to stay out of the way of many people, which had become much easier as the workers commute had ended some time ago, and arrived ahead of time at the home of his old friend.
He felt a thrill race throughout his body as he reached out and rung the door bell, and a grin broke out across his face as a stunning blonde lady opened the door to greet him.
"Well if it isn't little Atsushicchi!"
"Good afternoon!"
"And as polite as ever! You're here for my brother, aren't you?"
She ushered him inside the well-kept home and called up the stairs for Ryouta to come down. There was a squeal, a blur of yellow, and then Murasakibara felt a pair of arms wrap around his body. He grinned and hugged Kise back, not able to understand what was being mumbled into his torso.
"I'm so glad you're here!" Kise exclaimed at Murasakibara's puzzled expression.
The purple giant was aglow all at once. "Nothing seems to have changed, Kise-chin."
For the first time, Kise took a step back and looked his old teammate up and down, drinking in the dark liner and shady outfit: dark jeans with several chains around his waist, a red belt, and a tight, black T-shirt. He struggled to find the right thing to say and brushed his hair out of his eyes as he replied.
"You have."
Murasakibara blushed and smiled. "I'm taller." He mumbled, avoiding the obvious reaction to his outfit.
"You aren't afraid to walk around like that?"
"They don't really care much in Akita."
"But really?"
"It's fine, Kise-chin. Don't be such a model."
Kise smiled, and motioned for Murasakibara to follow him to the living room. Murasakibara followed, feeling the familiar sensation of awe walking through his friend's house for the first time in a long time and put his cell phone into his bag. He chuckled to himself and put his bag and skateboard down in the corner of the room, just beside the doorway.
"I suppose I'm just so used to seeing everyone in their uniforms." Kise jested.
Murasakibara smirked at him and mussed his hair. "You're funny Kise-chin."
It was odd that their relationship just seemed to pick up exactly where it left off and Murasakibara questioned if that was what made their friendship stronger or simply fake. He forced the thought from his mind and helped himself to one of the lemon pastries that Kise had just brought in.
"So, how's the Tatsuya problem going?"
"It heated up quickly."
"With the police and all?"
"Yeah. I'm not sure how my parents will handle me running off on them just two days after that incident."
"You didn't! You told me that you'd tell them!"
"Well, I left it to the last minute and they left early, so..."
"If I become blamed as an accomplish for this-"
"You won't be. Besides, you are missing class tomorrow for me."
"I would just leave you there, but I don't want to have to travel back myself at night."
"It's fine. I'll drop you to the train in the morning before I head to the school."
"Are you sure? I don't want to leave you there."
"It's probably better if you do."
"You aren't planning on getting hauled off, do you?"
Murasakibara spoke with gritted teeth. He lowered his tone so that Ryouta's family wouldn't overhear him. "It's a possibility."
Kise leaned back and took a bite of his pastry to occupy himself. He nodded slowly and then stood and stretched. He wanted to tell his friend that accepting being arrested again as a possibility only meant that he would allow himself to get into a position where it was the only option, but he didn't want to seem as though he were against him. Between eating, hugging, and speaking in hushed voices about their plan, an hour had passed and they were due at the station for their train in forty-five minutes.
"Should we get going?" Murasakibara stood as well, gathering his things.
"Perhaps? We have plenty of time to talk on the train."
"Will you be back in time for your practice?"
"I'll try to."
Murasakibara smiled. "At least you try."
They wrapped their coats around themselves and began walking towards the train station. Murasakibara held his board in his hands and tried his hardest to keep the wheels from catching anyone's clothing; it didn't help his temper to have to deal with complaints from adults with nothing better to yell about. Life was easy for them – they didn't have to deal with the love of their life on the other side of the country, too afraid to speak to them because of some dead bird and an annoying American.
"So I did do some digging on Tatsuya for you."
The statement pulled Murasakibara out of his thoughts and he raised an eyebrow for further clarification.
"Nijimura knows him."
The name sent a chill down Murasakibara's body. It wasn't a good thing for him to be involved if Akashi was in the equation. Akashi was, as anyone recalled, a sort of pet of Nijimura's, and the man was everything Akashi seemed to want in relationship: strong, elegant, determined, and bold.
"Yeah. They met in America before Tatsuya transferred over. Apparently he might have had a thing for you if he heard of you from Nijimura."
Murasakibara felt unsure of how to respond. He didn't know if he could trust Ryouta with his irrational fears or with his darker memories. He heard that Nijimura had left the country but he never pried, and after some time at Teiko he had all but forgotten about his ex-captain. He was surprised that Kise talked about Nijimura so readily while he himself had forgotten him.
Kise walked in silence besides Murasakibara, granting him a moment to process the information just given to him. Kise himself had never been a part of the team when Nijimura was captain, and Nijimura had left the school not long after Kise had joined. In all his awe at his new friends and his mystery about Akashi - the captain when he had joined -Kise never paid much attention to the dark-haired boy who was quiet and observant. When he did stand out to Kise, it was because of the attention he had paid to Haizaki, the former small forward whose position Kise had taken over.
The train had pulled into the station and Murasakibara felt a vibration in his bag as he lifted it. He thought of his phone and shook the thought from his mind. His mouth felt dry so he opened the bottle of water that he had packed with him and took as sip as he took a seat. Kise sat beside him and extended a hand for the bottle. Murasakibara handed it over and smiled, his guarded heart melting in some places to the warmth of his friend.
"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind?" Kise finally pressed.
Murasakibara sighed and looked around the train. They have five and a half hours to spend in this cabin and it wasn't the most private, but what else was there to do?
He drummed his hands on his thighs for a moment, considering the pros and the cons, finally settling on the worst that Kise could do was laugh at him. He highly doubted him to spread the word like a middle-school girl.
"You-you don't think Aka-chin is dating Niji-chin, do you?"
Murasakibara felt like the anger in him rise. In his recollections, Nijimura had been the dangerous, older bad example. He would hit whoever didn't listen to him and he would be harsh to those that broke his rules. Akashi looked up to him as a leader, a role model of sorts, and Nijimura would absorb as much of Akashi's attention and time as he possibly could. True, he was well-mannered, intelligent, and friendly when he wanted to be, but often times it made getting to know Akashi challenging. Even when he had left the team Akashi would whisper his name when he was not sure what would be suitable for discipline.
His anger surprised Murasakibara. It was clear that Nijimura once had held more than an influence to Akashi, but since when did he seem to become so small of a challenge to the violet-man? Since when had Nijimura become an insignificant cog in the wheel to the center who had once trembled in fear of him?
Murasakibara clenched his hands into fists and sat on them to restrain himself. 'If Nijimura was there...' He bit his lower lip and forced the thought from his mind. He didn't want to give his imagination too much to taunt him with. But Akashi had said that he moved on, implying there was someone else. The thought haunted him even since Akashi had said it.
Kise chuckled and the sound was like bells tolling in the distance. His eyes were bright as he leaned forwards to look into Murasakibara's lavender irises.
"Is that really what you're scared of, Murasakicchi? That Nijimura is dating Akashicchi?" He pondered for a moment, his eyes rolling to the side and giving him a cute, thoughtful look. "I don't think Nijimura is back from America yet. He wouldn't leave his family in such misfortune."
Murasakibara's fists unclenched but he stayed seated on his hands. "Yes." He agreed, recalling how Nijimura had to leave to America rather abruptly in regards to his father's poor health.
A scoreboard sounded in Murasakibara's head: if he were to leave his family behind for Akashi and Nijimura had not, surely that would make him the better prospect, wouldn't it? Or was the situation too different to really argue? Would it be seen as noble for Nijimura to stay with his bedridden father? Would it seem shameful that Murasakibara had left without warning to his family? He sucked in a breath and added those questions to the corner of his mind dedicated to thoughts he should be avoiding. This section of his brain seemed to be growing in size at an alarming rate.
"Murasakicchi, I don't think that is what Akashicchi meant."
"Then who?"
The question brought Kise up short. For a moment the glow seemed to leave him, only to return in an instant. "I don't honestly think Akashicchi would just run off with the next center he gets at Rakuzan, Murasakicchi. It's not in his character."
"But what if he finds someone else that he could fancy? What if he finds another Nijimura? Or what if-"
"Shh. Akashicchi isn't like that. Besides, even if he were dating someone, it wouldn't be so bad. He would probably just walk around with them and stare into their eyes." Kise giggled. "He's so childish sometimes."
Murasakibara felt his stomach roll and disgust wash over him. In an instant he could imagine the million of ways that this unknown imposter would hold Akashi, touch Akashi, feel Akashi. He saw the way their lips would mold together to create one synchronized pair. He felt his blood boil as he watched his hands trailing up Akashi's slim waist, the smirk that would form as he felt the redhead tremble. He gritted his teeth together and pushed the hair back from his face. He wanted badly to smash something against the floor over and over until he was drained of all energy and left to puke alongside the carnage.
A slender, cool hand placed itself on top of his and he turned in mild shock to meet Kise's eyes. Murasakibara realized he was gasping and slowed his breathing, trying to search for a reason in Kise's golden orbs.
"What's wrong, Murasakicchi?"
The concern in his voice choked off Murasakibara's words and he leaned forwards and placed his head into the grove of Kise's neck. He felt stiff where his muscles had bunched up in anticipation of a fight and he felt suddenly exhausted from having to carry his anger around with him like a disease.
"I don't want anyone else touching Aka-chin." he mumbled weakly. His body felt heavy and he suddenly felt the adrenaline he was running on since yesterday run low in his system. Even though he hadn't attacked anything, he still felt as drained as if he had.
"Are you tired?" Kise patted his head and stroked his hair soothingly, the way Akashi used to whenever they had a fight, which had become more frequent as their relationship went on.
He nodded, despite not knowing if he was legitimately tired or not, and Kise continued his soothing. He began humming a lullaby for his heartbroken friend and Murasakibara felt his tired eyes closing. He didn't want to sleep, not just yet, but he knew that if he were to keep going he would risk everything: opportunity to find Akashi, the ability to control his temper when he did find Akashi, and of course his entire goal of reasoning with Akashi. His adrenaline and anger couldn't be the only things to keep pressing him forwards, and he was likely to get sick if he kept pushing his body for more. His consciousness began to slip from him and before he was aware of it, Murasakibara had drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
The ground was shaking. Someone was softly calling his name, but the ground was shaking and he didn't want to get up. He forced his eyes to pry themselves open so he could tell his brother to go away, but the sight of the train wall made him jump up, startling him from his rest.
"We have to go now, Murasakicchi."
He turned and found Kise, whose shoulder he had been sleeping on for the past four hours. He didn't seem at all tired or strained, and Murasakibara felt guilty as he gather his bearings. He didn't deserve this much loyalty after just deserting his friend for so long.
Kise helped him gather his bag and ushered him off the train. It was dark outside, and despite the streets of Kyoto being well-lit, the pair felt oddly anxious as they ventured forwards together to find their hotel. It was close to the station so that Kise would be able to return to Tokyo tomorrow, hopefully in time to have a rest before heading off to Kaijo's basketball practice afterschool.
The air was cool and crisp, and Murasakibara wondered vaguely what Akashi was up to at this time of night, smiling at the thought of him curled up all warm and snug in bed in his room. But he knew that Akashi wasn't the type to sleep so early, as he referred to it. He would probably be awake, reading in his bed, with the lamp still on and a glass of brandy on the side table. He smiled at that image as well, that was more like Akashi.
They found their hotel and checked in, taking the elevator to the fifth floor and making their way to suite nine. He thought of meeting Akashi in the train station back in Akita, wondering vaguely what business he had even being down there, but the memory felt fuzzy this late at night.
They set their bags down at the foot of their beds and changed into their light cotton clothing to sleep. Murasakibara settled into his bed as Kise ordered some food from their room-service. The last they had to eat was the lemon pastries at Kise-chin's house, and Murasakibara felt his stomach growl at the sudden realization.
"It isn't good to sleep on a full stomach." he recalled.
"Oh, we won't eat that much, Murasakicchi. Besides, I still want to talk."
"About?" Murasakibara heard the defensiveness in his voice rise and forced an apologetic smile. It was still difficult to remind himself that the person before him was a friend that he could trust, especially after he had forced himself to adopt the notion that no one – not even his own parents - were trustworthy.
Kise curled up on the bed and wrapped his arms around his legs. Despite having heard all the stories, he didn't seem at all frightened by Murasakibara's uncontrolled anger. "Is it alright if I ask why did you Akashicchi break up in the first place?"
Murasakibara felt a small dull pain throb throughout his body, but he was sure he was too low on adrenaline to get all worked up over the reminder. He nodded, looking to the floor as he pushed a lock of hair behind his ear.
"It's fine."
"So...why did you break up?"
"We both agreed that it was for the best."
"You don't seem to have handled it so well."
"I didn't want to. Honestly, I just didn't want him to feel any regret over leaving me."
"So, what made you guys call it quits? Wasn't he happy?"
"He said he was." Murasakibara sighed heavily, "But he kept telling me that he didn't like how 'out of balance' we were. He said that he was always leading us, and that I never took charge."
"Akashicchi wanted to be dominated?" Kise's eyebrows raised as he tried to comprehend, his voice full of shock.
"No. Not dominated. Not exactly. He was just tired of being pleased. He wanted to make me happy too, but he didn't seem to understand that my happiness came from his. Simply being with him was enough for me. But he said that it was too simple, that it wasn't fair, and that we should do some things that I enjoyed or go some place I wanted to see. That I didn't make enough decisions or I didn't let him in my head enough."
"It's a fair enough request." Kise shrugged, "I mean, personally I wouldn't break up over it. I would at least try to work things out."
"The thing is I didn't know what to do or where to go. I tried to pick places that he would think I would enjoy, like restaurants and fairs. He was happy when we were there, but I suppose none of it caused me to express the reaction he desired from me because we always seemed to fight about it afterwards."
"I don't understand." Kise frowned. "What more could he possibly want from you?"
There was a knock at the door and Kise went forwards to answer it. He brought several bowls of food with him into the room and handed Murasakibara a plate so they could dish the various foods out of the bowls and share it all. The pair both took several helpings each and settled into their food in silence. Murasakibara didn't want to continue talking as they ate, and he welcomed the food both a nourishment and a hearty distraction. They piled the dishes back on the tray when they were finished and then sat back on their beds. Kise was sitting with his legs cross and one of the main serving bowls in his lap as he finished the last of the food in it, and tried to bring the conversation back to where it had been a half an hour ago.
"Did you ever find out what he wanted?"
Murasakibara nodded. He looked away from Kise and then back. He decided it would be easier to tune out his responses and started into his story.
"I wasn't happy seeing Aka-chin anymore. It wasn't because I was falling out of love with him. It was because of how difficult it was to be with him. Every date seemed to end in disaster, we fought more often. It got to a point where he had just stopped smiling. It wasn't pleasant to be around with him. I stopped taking him out because I didn't want him to question me on why I wasn't happy afterwards; as far as I was aware I was happy with Aka-chin, before all the questions came in.
"One day I invited him over to my place. I thought it would take the relationship to a new level and that would push us out of the rough patch we were in. It was something simple, something that I liked to do, and I was sure that the new environment would be enough to stir him into a happier mood. It didn't involve making decisions or going out anywhere. And it was a good turnout; Aka-chin smiled and we cuddled. We watched a movie and ate popcorn, and I got to see the smile on his face that made me very happy. I was content enough with that. I was thrilled that he was happy and I was positive that it had gotten us past all the arguments. Perhaps it was just because we were no longer a fresh, new couple and the ideas of first dates and nights on the town had begun to annoy us? Perhaps it was because we had both wanted to progress in a direction that would make us seem more official, something every day and more than just a test. And I was right, for the most part.
"Aka-chin had wanted to move forwards in our relationship. He came over twice more before he invited me to his house. And I knew when he invited me that things were going to be difficult, because he had this mischievous look in his eyes, this dangerous sparkle that he seemed to get whenever he had one of those sporadic ideas. It was in the locker room, and he came to lean against my locker as I was changing. I had just come back from the showers and had changed into my pants.
" 'Are you busy tomorrow night?' he asked me. His eyes looked me up and down and I was slightly self-conscious and aware of all the other boys in the room with us as I was drying my shoulders with my towel.
"So I replied casually, 'No, I'm free. You want to do something?' He brightened up instantly at my response and of course I was in no mood to turn him down now. He licked his lips and looked up into my eyes and breathed, 'Want to come home with me?'
"And I thought he was joking. But then who was I to say no. He had been to my place several times now, it was fair for me to go to his. So I placed my towel in my locker to look occupied and asked him if his father would be home. I wasn't sure what type of first impression I would make and I wanted to know if I could ask my sister for any advice: everyone knew Aka-chin's father was strict and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to think little of me just because I'm from a middle class family.
"He told me his father had gone away for the weekend, 'on a business trip', and he hinted that he would be delighted if I stayed over. I felt that was pushing our boundaries, it would be my first time over at his house and his father wouldn't even have been aware that I would be there. I was scared to think what would happen if his father were to come home early, so I declined his invitation for the sleepover but promised I would go home with him the next day.
"It was a nice day for once, and I was in high spirits throughout the day because I was going to be with Aka-chin all afternoon. I was hoping that he would let me cuddle him again and so when we got to his house I was barely nervous at all, just excited.
"He let us in and showed me around, and it was already fairly late because we had practice that day too. So I cooked, we ate, and that itself was rather fun. He kept hugging me and leaning in to plant kisses along my arms and sides. I didn't think much of it, but whenever I look back on it in hindsight, it was actually rather different than the rest of our dates."
Murasakibara's voice cracked at the memory of those sweet kisses and he knew that his detail was getting too intimate for Kise's ear. It was a delicate situation to be speaking about and Kise had wanted to know, so he wasn't going to sugarcoat it for his friend. The intimate details were what made their breakup happen.
All the anger seemed to be leaving him as he spoke of the memory that kept haunting himself since the move to Akita. His mistakes were etched in this memories, what he could have been, what he could have said, all of his pain, all of Akashi's. Just as their happiness was intertwined, so was their pain. And he realized now that might be why he was in so much pain: he was simply bearing the pain for both of them, his own amount amplified by the amount Akashi felt.
He didn't look up to see the expression on Kise's face. He sucked in a breath and continued.
"I thought that he was just happy to spend so much time together. We held hands during dinner and he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. He wanted to watch it in his room, so we lay on his bed and began to watch this really crappy American horror. I couldn't stand the over-glamorized bitches that were parading around on the screen as if they were the best thing in the world. I turned and started to snuggle Aka-chin instead.
"He turned the TV off and rolled over to kiss me. Really kiss me, as we never had before. He licked my bottom lip and then plunge his tongue inside my mouth. The feeling was like no other. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. And when he pulled away I couldn't see anything but him, he was like a god before me. And then he insisted on starting to take his clothes off."
Kise was quiet still, and Murasakibara sucked in another breath.
"I-I panicked! I wasn't ready to go that far! I didn't want our first time to be so raunchy and- and low! I pushed away from him and told him that I didn't want to do that. He started to cry and then he got angry. All of the pieces snapped into place in my mind all at once and I didn't know whether to just give in and let him be happy or to stay rooted in place and try to persuade him otherwise. He asked me what was wrong and I told him it was too soon, and he told me that he didn't want to wait. I had no defense and I knew that he would win but at the time I just- I just didn't want the responsibility of it all. If we ended badly, I didn't want it to be known that I just used Aka-chin that way. I didn't want the blame for just seducing him to bed with me and then leaving town. I knew I was going to leave for Akita soon – my family was moving and there wasn't anything I could do about it – and the image wouldn't leave with me; it would stay with Aka-chin, it would follow him and tarnish him. Not me."
Kise groaned. "You couldn't have been in a worse situation."
"I had no choice but to tell him that I just didn't view him that way. And he thought that I meant I didn't want to be with him in that way because I didn't find him attractive, that I was too childish, too immature. Of course, I wasn't as bold as he would've liked, but he still wanted me. And I did want him, I just- I just-"
"You wanted to keep him safe when you had to leave."
"Exactly! The more I tried to explain it to him the more hurt he sounded! I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with him so I left and told him I'd call him the next day. As I feared, his father did come home early the next day so it was a good thing that I wasn't there and nothing happened. And he told me that I did have the better judgment on the phone. He became really shy and quiet when he spoke to me, he pulled away from all my touches. I thought to advance on him several times, but I knew that it would probably make the situation worse. So I began to wait for him to calm down, but he didn't. He stayed all keyed up. And then one day, towards the end of the school year, he told me that he felt it would be better for the both of us to call us quits. I couldn't face him being in any pain because I wanted to keep him in a relationship that he didn't seem happy in anymore, so I agreed. I put on a mask and I hid behind it. And I stayed hidden behind it and all this anger, anger at myself for not giving in when I had the chance and anger at him for not understanding. And now anger at Muro-chin for interfering, and with the world for being so cruel. But when I ran into him, it all seemed so irrelevant. He was there, and despite his shock for running into me, he was smiling."
Kise got up and put the empty bowl on the crowded tray. "I can see how messed up this situation became. It's not like any of it was any of your fault though."
"But it's not Aka-chin's either. A part of me believes that he thought that what he was doing would make me happy."
Kise smirked, heading into the bathroom. "I'm sure it would have." He jested.
"Well, yeah." Murasakibara chuckled. "But I would only do what would make him happy."
Kise had paused in the act of brushing his teeth for the night. He spat in the sink to free his mouth and then leaned around the doorway of the bathroom to see Murasakibara. "Whatever made you think that that wouldn't make him happy?"
Murasakibara paused. "I- I never thought that it would." He replied. "I- I thought he was only doing it because he thought I would enjoy it, since that's what started our arguing in the first place."
"Maybe," Kise responded, ducking into the bathroom for a moment and then reemerging holding his toothbrush in his hand. "Both of you should have stopped paying more attention to what your partner wanted, and spent a little bit more time trying to find out what you both wanted. It sounds like you both cared a lot for each other, so much so that you completely and selflessly assumed what would be best for the other, without checking in first."
Murasakibara nodded, realizing that what Kise said was the truth. If he had been bold enough to tell Akashi the truth, if he had told him that he wanted to have him but he cared about his image, if Akashi had told him why he wanted to have sex with him, then perhaps they could have found some common ground and made their relationship work rather than break up? By not being clear enough, they had overwhelmed their relationship with assumptions and affection, and it simply couldn't handle it all. Even when he felt frustrated by the thought that he was clear enough when he tried to explain and Akashi didn't understand, he got too scared to work things out and simply left Akashi alone.
He shook his head and noted the time on the digital clock on the table. "We should head to bed soon."
Kise waved his arm around the corner of the bathroom and began rinsing his mouth. He turned off the bathroom light when he was finished and pulled back the covers on his own bed.
"You know, Murasakicchi. If Akashicchi was willing to go that far with you, he probably isn't looking for a replacement any time soon. Perhaps you just have to fix what you did wrong?"
Murasakibara pulled the blankets over his head and reached out to turn off the lights.
"Perhaps." He agreed. "But it has been a year now. He could have moved on. Night, Kise-chin."
The blonde lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The taller man was right, time had passed. Akashi could have moved on. He had no words of comfort to tell his friend in regards how much time had passed, so he simply settled on tell him "Night Murasakicchi."
Darkness had slowly crept over Akita. The moon had risen high above the city when Fuji had taken to calling Atsushi's cell phone every ten minutes, but with no answer. He contemplated calling around to classmate's houses, asking if they had seen Atsushi, but he didn't want to upset him if he was at one of his friend's house by acting like his babysitter. And he was also aware of Atsushi's reputation right now; having come home in the back of a police car was something he knew to be difficult when in high school. He was the only one that had stayed awake, relentlessly trying to get in contact with his youngest brother. Afraid that Atsushi would arrive home late and hostile, Nori had decided to move into the twin's room for the night, and his parents had went off to bed with their stomachs twisted with worry.
Fuji watched as the clouds lazily rolled over the moon and thought of how much time to give Atsushi before he began to call around. It was past bedtime before he decided that he couldn't wait any longer and began to compile a list of anyone he could called that may know where his youngest brother was. Hoping that Atsushi might have some of his friends' numbers in his school agenda, he headed into his room. A small purple and white school bag sat beside the head of the bed, wedged between the bed frame and the nightstand. He crossed the room in three strides and picked up the bag, placing it on the bed, yet it was a small crinkly noise under the pillow caught his attention instead. He rolled the pillow out of the way and picked up a paper, neatly folded in two. He unfolded it and smiled as he read his name at the top.
The moon was once more visible by the scattering clouds through Atsushi's bedroom window in Akita. The branches outside swayed in the wind and Fuji smiled as he came to end of the note.
"So, you've gone after your heart after all, little brother?"