Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.
Word Count - 10432
a long way to get back to the beginning
It wasn't going well.
He wiped the sweat from his face with the bottom of his shirt, and sat up in the bed. Pepper slept peacefully beside him, her red hair splayed across the pillow. She was beautiful like this.
Well. She was beautiful all the time, but like this, looking so peaceful and serene, Tony didn't think he'd ever seen anything so stunning in his entire life.
It didn't help that when she was awake, she was nowhere close to being serene. There was a tenseness about her, he could see it in his shoulders and the slight frown that settled on her face whenever she looked at him.
Pepper didn't smile much these days.
Not that Tony could really blame her. He was trying, he was trying so hard, but he was a mess and he didn't know how to fix it. Of course, that just made him feel even more like a failure, because isn't that what Tony did?
He was supposed to be the one that fixed things that needed fixing, and yet, he couldn't even fix himself. Not even for her.
Even if he'd been the perfect picture of mental health, she'd still be pissed with him he knew. She was so angry when the world was finally righted. He'd been a little surprised that she'd even stayed with him, to be honest, with how furious she'd been when he'd finally made it home.
Why do you always have to play the hero, Tony?
Those words still played on repeat in his mind, because he didn't have an answer for her. He really didn't. He wasn't a hero, hell, how many times had he proved that to the world? How much blood was on his hands?
Tony was scared of even trying to add it all up.
He'd thought for days after she'd screamed those words at him, tried to find a satisfactory answer for her, and he'd come up blank. He'd spent the last few years of his life trying to make up for the wrongs he'd committed. He'd just been trying to do the right thing, and yet, what even was the right thing any more?
He didn't think he had any right to know that now.
Each and every time he'd tried to make things right, he'd only messed them up more.
So he buried his head. He climbed into bed beside Pepper every night and stared at the ceiling until he finally dropped into nightmare fuelled sleep. He woke up a couple of hours later and climbed back out of bed so he didn't disturb her.
He worked, spent hours and hours every day in his lab, his mind on SI jobs and only SI jobs because he couldn't even bare to look at his suit. The nano reactor on his chest was still there, and he knew he needed to replace and fix the suit attached to it, but every time he thought about it, panic threatened to overwhelm him.
So, he didn't.
He worked on new software for SI, and he looked over the prototypes his minions made him, and he answered emails and he went to meetings. Anything to make Pepper smile that small smile, because he was at a loss at what else he could do to fix the gaping chasm between them.
…
"Hey, sweetheart," he murmured, when Pepper sat down beside him on the sofa.
He looked up from his tablet to smile at her, and then frowned when he saw the expression on her face. He'd been looking forward to her coming home, had booked a restaurant for them to just go out and forget about the stress for a night.
"What's wrong?" he asked, noticing the tears welling in her eyes.
"I can't do this any more, Tony," she whispered. "I can't keep pretending that everything is fine between us when we're anything but fine."
Panic clawed at Tony's throat and he forced it back.
"What can I do to fix this?" he asked, barely managing to keep the plea from his throat.
Pepper shook her head. "I don't think we can. How many times are we going to try this before we admit that there's too much to fix?"
Tony swallowed hard. Words, promises, questions all swam around in his mind as he tried to think of what he could say that would make her change her mind. He'd made her change her mind before, hadn't he?
"Do you love me?" he asked, his voice little more than a whisper.
"Oh, Tony, of course I do," she said, taking his hand in between both of her own. "I've loved you for so many years, and I know that I will for the rest of my life. But… this, what we're doing… it's not good for either of us, Tony. It's unhealthy."
"I love you," he murmured. "I love you, Pep. I can't… I can't promise that I'll always make the right decision, or that I'll always do the right thing, but… I love you. Isn't that worth it?"
Tears slid down her face. "Sometimes love isn't enough."
After she left, Tony stayed on the sofa, his tablet on the arm like nothing was wrong. The room darkened around him as he stared straight ahead at the wall, unseeing. There was only one thought in his mind, playing on a loop as tears slid down his cheeks unchecked.
She left me. Again. She's gone.
…
"What are you doing here?" Tony asked, looking up from the code he'd been writing.
"You're a mess," Rhodey said, raising his eyebrow. "Have you even showered this week?"
Tony just stared at him for a long moment before he turned back to the code. This was something he should have done a long time ago and had never had the time. Now he had nothing but time.
"Pepper called."
"Of course she did," Tony snapped. "Because Tony can't be trusted to deal with a break up on his own. He needs babysitting."
Rhodey snorted. "Well. When you're right, you're right."
"Go away, Rhodey," Tony muttered. "I'm fine."
"Uh huh. How about you go and get a shower and come eat with me instead?"
"I'm busy."
"With what? Pepper told me that you've already sent all the things she asked you to do over to SI, and you're clearly not working on the suits."
"Mind your own goddamn business!"
"Tones… stop trying to shut me out. It didn't work when you were seventeen, it won't work now."
"It worked after Afghanistan," Tony replied flatly, viciously. "It worked when you stole a suit and fought with me, didn't it? When you handed my tech over to Hammer."
He knew he wasn't being fair, he really did, but Tony just wanted to be left alone. When he felt cornered, Tony clawed his way out by any means necessary, even when he knew he was being cruel.
A hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed. "You think you're the only one allowed to fuck up, Tones? I know I messed up, but I learnt from my mistake the same way you learn from yours."
"Please," Tony whispered, his fingers failing on the code. "Just leave me alone."
"Never."
…
Not that he'd ever tell Rhodey, but he felt marginally better after his shower. He redressed in sweats and an oversized jumper that might have belonged to Rhodey once upon a time, and walked slowly into the living room.
"If you think I'm leaving, you can think again," he said, eyeing Rhodey who was sitting on the sofa. "So if you're hungry, it's takeout or nothing."
"Already called for Thai," Rhodey replied blandly as Tony slumped beside him on the sofa.
"And I don't want to talk," Tony added sullenly.
Rhodey shrugged and turned his attention back to the tv.
…
"Come here, you daft sod," Rhodey said, tugging Tony into his side.
Tony buried his face against Rhodey's ribs, hiding the evidence of his tears. He didn't even know why he was crying.
They'd been sitting watching only god knows what movie, the Thai food long gone, and he hadn't even noticed he was crying at first. Not until a tear fell from his chin to the back of his hand.
"I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted, his face pressed against Rhodey. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"We'll figure it out, Tones," Rhodey murmured, running his hand through Tony's hair. "We'll find a way."
…
"I tried, you know?" Tony said. He was once more sitting up, calmer now, and he was cradling a cup of coffee between both of his hands. "I really did. I thought… I thought if I just did what she wanted, what I knew she needed me to do, we'd get better."
Rhodey sighed, looking at his own cup like it held the answers to the universe. "I think… I think you've not been okay for a really long time, Tones. And I think maybe you need to make yourself okay before you even think about trying to fix anything else."
Tony wanted to deny his words, he really did. For so long, he'd pushed on with a mantra of 'I'm fine', that he didn't know what to do without it. The truth was that he wasn't fine. He hadn't been fine for years, maybe not since Afghanistan, maybe not since even before that.
It had just… it used to be so easy to pretend. He could run circles around politicians and business associates, could bed anyone he wanted, could drink until the numbness became his new normal.
After he'd been kidnapped, after he'd been forced to look at his life without the rose tinted glasses, and he'd realised his many fuck ups, Tony had tried to fix things.
He didn't think he'd ever stopped to try and fix himself.
"I don't… I don't think I even know who I am any more," he admitted, mostly to himself though Rhodey nodded slowly.
"Then… maybe it's time to find out who Tony Stark is now?"
Tony swallowed.
"And maybe," Rhodey added, "It's time to find out how to make Tony Stark happy, without the external influences."
Frowned, Tony tilted his head questioningly.
Rhodey sighed. "You rely on other people for your happiness, Tones. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have people in your life that make you happy, I'm not saying that at all, but you need to find a way to make yourself happy. You need to… find a way to forgive yourself."
Tony snorted. "That'd be asking for a pretty big miracle, Platypus. I don't deserve forgiveness."
Rhodey looked up to meet Tony's eyes. "That's where you're wrong."
…
Rhodey watched Tony from the doorway of the lab. He was feverishly writing code, had been since Rhodey arrived twenty minutes previous, so deep in his mind that he hadn't even realised Rhodey was there.
Eventually, he pressed the enter button with a flourish and slumped back in his seat. Rhodey could tell he was waiting for something, so he stayed where he was, silent and watching.
"Good Evening, Sir."
Rhodey's lips tilted at the familiar British accent, and as he watched Tony cry for the fourth time in seventy two hours, he knew that this time at least, they were happy tears.
"Jarvis," Tony whispered, reverently. "Jesus fuck, I missed you."
…
Tony rubbed his hands together, sitting cautiously in the comfortably looking armchair. He didn't particularly want to be here, but he'd promised Rhodey, and Jarvis would snitch on him if he didn't go.
Little shit.
Every time Tony thought about Jarvis, a spark of warmth arrived in his chest. He'd always know his oldest friend wasn't completely gone when Ultron went nuclear. He wasn't stupid enough not to keep various codes for Jarvis in various safe spaces, but Tony had wanted his Jarvis back and that took time. And work.
He'd had to piece together the code that the AI had learned himself over the years, line by line, update by update. He'd thought about doing it many times since Ultron, but he'd never had the time to devote to his AI.
With Ultron, and then the Accords and Ross and SI and Peter and Pepper and… there was also a lot going on in Tony's life at any given time, and Friday was a good AI, she really was. He'd left her installed at the compound where she could be useful, and of course, he knew he could always access her if he needed too.
He loved her as much as he loved any of his AI's or Robots, but she wasn't… well. She wasn't Jarvis.
"Are you ready to begin, Mr Stark?"
Tony rubbed a hand over his face before he nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready."
The therapist smiled at him, thin lipped but friendly. "Then let's begin."
…
"How's the therapy going?"
Tony looked up at the screen Rhodey was visible on and smiled. "It's going well, Honeybear. Slow, but… it's helping. I think."
"Yeah?"
Tony nodded. "Yeah. I… yeah, it's helping."
"Well, you're working on your suit again, so clearly something is working."
Tony chuckled and nodded. "I guess so. I spoke to Pep yesterday. She's… she's doing well. She seems happier. Freer."
"Yeah?"
"Hmm. I… I missed seeing her like that. I guess… after everything, I forgot what it was like to see Pepper happy. I forgot how wonderful it was to hear her laugh. And… I can't say it didn't hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did before. So. Progress, right?"
"Progress," Rhodey agreed with a small smile. "Any chance the two of you will—"
"No," Tony replied, shaking his head. "There's only so many times you can repeat the same thing and have it not work before you've got to stop. I want her to be happy, and let's face it, Platypus, as her boyfriend… I didn't make her happy."
"You're going to be friends, though?"
Tony snorted. "She's my people, Rhodey. Same as you. A break up isn't ever going to change that."
"That's… I'm proud of you, Tones."
Tony looked up again and swallowed before he smiled. "Thank you."
…
It wasn't easy.
Fixing himself.
It was rough and he still had bad days. He still couldn't face the Avengers even though they were all back in the compound; even Thor and Bruce had come back, though Tony didn't know how long Thor would stick around.
Tony just… couldn't deal, and April, his therapist, told him that was okay, and for the first time in a long time, Tony took her words for what they were.
He didn't need to shoulder everything at once. He could work on himself, before he worked on anything else.
Tony was putting more effort into taking care of himself, and it was actually working. He had Jarvis reminding him to eat, and was even sleeping more than two or three hours a night. He felt… healthy, in a way he hadn't for years.
And yet… and yet he still wasn't… fixed.
He'd know it wasn't going to be an overnight cure all, he had, but it'd been months and he… the panic was still there. The nightmares, the moments of nothingness.
April told him not to rush himself but… Tony just wanted to smile and believe it when he looked in the mirror.
…
Peter's smile was infectious and Tony grinned at him. He was a young man now, would be heading to university in no time at all. Tony was proud of him.
He still had nightmares of watching him turn to dust, of feeling him disintegrate in his arms, but they were becoming less and less as time passed.
Instead, Tony was filling him mind with new memories made with the youngster, taking him out for burgers and shakes, and helping him with his homework, and working on the Spiderman suit with him.
He paid more attention than he had before, actually listened to Peter, did things to make him happy, which in turn, made Tony happy.
They even, on one memorable occasion, went go-karting.
"You seem… different lately," Peter commented once over dinner.
Tony had smiled at him. "Yeah. I… yeah."
"It's good. I like it. You seem… happier."
"Thanks, Pete."
…
He felt… better.
It had taken a little bit over a year since… everything, but Tony finally felt like he knew who he was.
Slowly, he reintegrated himself into life. He worked on his suit, though he hadn't had need of it since before.
He went to dinner with Pepper and could sit across the table from her without thinking that he wanted her. He could love her as his friend, and not need more from her than she could comfortably give him. It was a good feeling.
He even managed to see Bruce without panicking, which given the way he reacted at just a thought of the Avengers, was huge. He thought, though he hadn't actually put it into practice yet, that he could probably be around them all now without automatically thinking the worst.
It was a novel feeling.
Tony was finally comfortable in his own skin, but he was self aware enough to know that he still had things to work on. Things he needed to work on with other people, because after everything that had happened over the years, it was about time they all sat down and actually had an adult conversation.
He just… didn't know if he was ready for that.
And if he was honest, he didn't know if the Avengers were either.
…
—hilarious! I thought Steve was going to faint, to be honest," Bruce cackled.
Tony chuckled, shaking his head. "Only Thor, I swear."
Bruce nodded. "He's doing better though. It's nice to see him smile again. After Loki… well. It was hard to see him like that."
Nodding, Tony sighed. "I'm sorry I wasn't around, Bruce. In the aftermath. I… I had a lot to work on, personally, but that's no excuse for not being there for him when he needed his friends."
"Hey, no," Bruce murmured, shaking his head. "You needed time, just as much as anyone did. Probably more, if we're honest. And it was worth it, Tony. You're happier now than I've ever known you."
Tony snorted. "That's… probably not hard, let's be honest. I had a lot to work on, but hey, I'm getting there. Moving forwards. S'what it's all about, right?"
Bruce nodded and opened his mouth to reply before his phone interrupted him. He pulled it from his pocket and frowned but answered it, sending an apologetic look at Tony as he did.
Tony waved him off absently, turning his attention back to the holo-screens. He'd been showing Bruce some of what he'd been working on for the suit while they chatted.
"Shit," Bruce muttered to whatever was being said to him on the phone. "Right, I'm on my way."
"What's up?" Tony asked, as Bruce grabbed his jacket.
"Compound is under attack," Bruce replied, looking slightly panicked.
The suit was already appearing to cover Tony's skin. "Want a lift?"
…
Tony stood slightly off to the side of the Avengers with Fury, looking over the ruins of the Compound. It had been a brutal battle, and while they'd eventually managed to quell the threat, the compound had taken the brunt.
"I don't know what the hell we're going to do now," Fury muttered, rubbing his temple. "They can't all stay on the Helicarrier, and that's all we got at the moment. Unless… maybe the accords committee can house them?"
Tony nodded. "They should be able to. It's what they're there for. I don't know about the quality of life though, to be honest."
Fury shook his head. "They don't have much of an option, do they?"
Sighing, Tony looked over at the team. Natasha and Clint had greeted him on his arrival as though nothing had happened, but Tony hadn't spoken to Steve, Barnes, Wilson or Wanda. There hadn't really been time, in fairness, and he didn't know what to say to them anyway.
"I suppose not," he agreed.
The suit surrounded him again, though he left his helmet down and he waved at Bruce. "I'm heading off. Come over to the mansion and see me, kay?"
"Sure thing, Tony. I'll let you know where we end up," Bruce replied, walking over to stand beside him.
Tony nodded and was about to take off when he… didn't.
"You could come stay with me?" he offered quietly. "The mansion is… well. Big enough for both of us, eh?"
"I, uh, I really appreciate the offer, Tony but… I should stay with the team, you know? We're a team and—"
"I understand," Tony replied, forcing a smile.
He couldn't deny that the words stung.
With April's help, he'd realised that he never really felt like part of the team, and in technicality, he hadn't been. He'd never officially been changed from Consultant to Avenger, no matter that he'd housed them all in his tower.
Even knowing that in his mind, it didn't stop it hurting. He nodded and raised a hand to squeeze Bruce's shoulder. "I'll speak to you soon."
He didn't give Bruce chance to reply, as the helmet covered his head and face and he took off from the grounds. He thought he heard his name being called, but he didn't look back to check.
…
"It's fine," Bruce said, rolling his eyes.
"It looks like a jail cell," Tony said flatly, eyeing the room Bruce was standing in. He could only see it over the video call but hey, he had eyes.
"It's not that bad, Tony," Bruce replied with a chuckle. "Besides, they've already started rebuilding on the Compound. It won't be too long."
"Three months, and that's at the very least," Tony replied.
"Right, so not that long."
"You can't stay in that dungeon for three months!"
"Tony—"
"Just… come stay with me."
"I told you I can't just —"
"The team. Can stay at the mansion."
"You don't need to do that."
Tony sighed. "Well. Like you said, it's only a few months, right?"
…
This… was probably a mistake.
The first time Tony entered the kitchen to find Clint perched on the kitchen counter, he almost had a heart attack.
Clint raised an eyebrow at him and snorted. "Did you forget we were coming today?"
Tony had rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Fury said to expect you in the afternoon, and as far as I can tell, we're still in the a.m."
Shrugging, Clint gestured to his coffee and raised the half eaten bagel in his hand. "I came early. Figured you'd have better food."
What else could Tony do but laugh?
So that had been okay. Except, a few hours after that, when he'd finished in his lab and had to get himself ready for a board meeting, he ran into the rest of the Avengers.
That wasn't nearly as simple as it had been with Clint.
"I… thank you for letting us stay here, Tony," Steve had said quietly, clearly the spokesperson for the group that were all watching him like a rocket that could explode at any time.
"Uh, yeah. Sure thing, Cap. I'm heading out, but Jarvis can tell you whatever you need to know about the place."
"Jarvis?" Natasha asked, raising her eyebrow.
Tony glanced at Bruce, who'd looked back innocently. Tony felt a shot of warmth for his science bro, who had obviously not been reporting back to the team like he'd half been expecting.
"Uh-huh," Tony said, looking back at Nat. "Took a while but… he's worth it."
"Thank you, Sir. And welcome to the mansion, Avengers," Jarvis said, making Tony's lips tilt up.
Natasha's eyes softened. "I'm glad you were able to put him back to rights, Tony."
"Yeah," Tony agreed. "It's good. Right, I'm out. Have fun, kids."
Tony left, feeling eyes on him until he rounded the corner. Only then did he dare to let out the breath he was holding.
Well. He'd managed to not panic. That was… something.
He made a note to himself that his lab might be a good place for him to spend much of his time for the next few months though, and as he was climbing into his car, told Jarvis to make an appointment with April.
She was going to love this.
…
"How are you feeling having them there?" April asked.
She'd reacted pretty much the way he'd expected her too if he was honest. With wide eyes and an incredulous question of why.
"Okay," Tony replied. "I think. I'm not panicking, and it's nice to have Bruce around again. I just… it's strange. I've never been one for feeling awkward, you know? It's just not… really in my nature. And yet now, it's like… super awkward all the time."
"And why are they there?"
"I already told you, I saw the room they put Bruce in and—"
"Why are they all there?"
"Bruce wouldn't leave the team behind. My invitation was for him personally at first but…"
"But?"
"I guess… I guess I felt bad for them. It really was a sucky room."
"We've talked about this before," April said, twisting her lips a little in thought. "You realise it's not up to you to fix everything now, we've talked through that enough. Did you miss them?"
Tony blinked. "I… don't think so? Maybe? I don't know."
"And if, or rather, when, they get called out on a mission? Will you go with them."
Tony shook his head. "I. No. I'm not an Avenger, nor a Consultant now. I don't… that's not my job."
April smiled at him. "You're still making progress, Tony. That's good. I'm glad that you can put lines in place better now."
"I… thanks."
…
It was only five days. Five awkward days, sure, but still, only five days before the alarm went up for the Avengers to Assemble.
Tony was in his lab when it sounded, and he raised his eyebrows. "Why can I hear the assemble alert?" he asked Jarvis.
"Captain Rogers asked me to send the alert down to you, Sir."
Tony blinked. "Oh. Um. Why?"
"I believe he expects you to 'suit up' as it were."
"Ah. No. Tell them I won't be joining them on this excursion, J."
…
"We could have used the help out there today."
Tony looked up to see the Avengers all sitting around the kitchen table, watching him. Steve was staring at him particularly hard, like he expected something. Tony wasn't sure what it was.
"I'm not actually sure why you were expecting me out there, Cap, but I don't do that any more."
"You're still Iron Man," Steve argued flatly. "I suppose I just expected you to be less selfish."
"Steve—"
"No, it's fine," Tony said, waving Barnes off. "I'm always the villain, it's comforting to know that some things never change."
Steve rolled his eyes. "Go ahead, play the victim, Stark. It's not like you think of anyone but yourself these days, is it?"
"Are you high?" Tony asked. "No, you know what, don't answer that. I don't care. But don't stand in my home and tell me that I'm selfish, just because I didn't come out on a mission for a team that I'm not a part of."
Steve blinked. "Of course you're still part of the team!"
"Okay, someone take him to be drug tested," Tony snapped, looking around at the others. "I was never an Avenger. Not ever. I was a consultant for the Avengers, sure. I was the bankroll, definitely. I was even a little bit helpful occasionally, but I wasn't even assigned to the Avengers and if you don't believe me, you can contact Nick for confirmation."
Tony turned and left the kitchen, barely remembering to grab his coat before he stormed out of the mansion.
Stupid, self-righteous, assbag, he fumed silently. Where the hell did Captain sodding America get off telling him that he was being selfish when he was housing them free of charge in his home after years of barely any contact with any of them.
The only prolonged contact he'd had with the team had been when they'd joined forced to fight Thanos after the snap, and even that had only been long enough to set the world to rights before Tony had slipped away.
Steve had been too happy getting handsy with Barnes to even notice Tony leaving.
Footsteps behind him alerted him that he was being followed, but he didn't slow his pace and his stalker didn't seem in any rush to catch up with him. Eventually, when he made it to the nearby park, Tony slowed.
"You alright?"
Tony frowned and turned. Of all the people that could have followed him, he had to admit, Barnes would have been his last bet.
"I'm fine."
"Steve can be…"
"An ass," Tony filled in, when Barnes trailed off. He was admittedly surprised when the former assassin shrugged.
"As good a word as any. I know that this will be hard to believe, but he's missed you. A lot. He thought… he thought that when you said we could all stay with you, that it meant you were rejoining the team."
"I was never part of the team," Tony snapped. "Were you not listening?"
"He didn't see it that way. He, uh, spoke to Fury. When I left, he was sitting with his head in his hands, trying to figure out how the hell everything was so fucked up."
"Don't try and make me feel sorry for him, Barnes."
"I'm not. I'm telling you that he knows he fucked up and he wants the chance to fix it. Whether you give him that chance or not is entirely up to you."
Tony snorted. "The problem, with all of us, is that we never just… talk. Everything is a battle, and even if it doesn't start that way, it turns into one. We can't just… be adults and talk things out. It never goes well."
"Well, maybe that's what you all need. An adult conversation."
"We all," Tony corrected absently. "You're an Avenger now, no?"
He turned his head to see Barnes cheeks flush slightly and raised his eyebrows.
"I, uh. Well. I didn't think you'd ever give me the time of day, never mind refer to me as an Avenger," Barnes admitted. "After everything I've done, you'd be well within your rights to want me dead."
"Therapy is fantastic," Tony replied dryly. "Actually, it didn't take me long to understand that it wasn't you in the driving seat when my parents were murdered. So. I don't actually blame you for that. A lot of shit happened that didn't need to happen, and we can all take some of the blame for it. What I won't have, is Steve pretending to have the moral high ground when he fucked up just as bad as I did."
"Like I said, what everybody needs, is a conversation. One where everyone talks, and everyone listens, and apologies are made and—"
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. I just… don't know if I can deal with it."
"You don't have to do it now. Hell, you don't have to do it at all. You're well within your rights to walk away, toss everyone out on their asses and wipe your hands of it. But… it seems to me that you miss them. And they definitely miss you."
"I'll take your word for it, Barnes."
"Bucky."
Tony sighed. "Bucky."
…
They were all still sitting in the kitchen when Tony and Bucky returned to the mansion. Tony didn't bother going in, instead choosing to head straight up to his bedroom. He showered quickly and redressed in sweats and a tank, grabbing Rhodey's sweater to throw on over it.
When he returned downstairs, he entered the living room and found the team waiting for him, Bucky beside Steve with a smirk on his face.
"I got you coffee," Bucky said, nodding to the large cup beside Tony's favourite armchair.
"Thanks."
Tony sat down and looked at them all, before he pulled his legs up and wrapped his arm around them. He knew it was a protective gesture, and he knew they'd read it as such, but he didn't really care what they thought.
His comfort was more important to him than their judgement.
"Adult conversation," Bucky said, looking around at all of them. "Seems to me that it's necessary, since everyone is on different pages… hell, some of you are reading different books."
"Language," Tony chided, making Nat and Clint laugh.
Even Steve rolled his eyes.
"Who wants to start?" Bucky asked.
When nobody volunteered, Tony rolled his eyes. "I… guess I will."
Bucky nodded. "Ground rules. No shouting, no interrupting, and everyone will get a turn."
"When did you turn into Mrs Mediator?" Sam asked, with a snort.
Bucky just gave him the evil eye until he held his hands up in surrender.
"Okay… so. Apologies first, I think," Tony muttered. I… fucked up. Quite a few times, if we're being honest, but I fucked up. Wanda… I shouldn't have locked you away the way I did, but I was protecting you. It was honestly in your best interests, though I should have communicated that to you, and I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't want you to feel like you were being jailed, I truly didn't, and I know it didn't feel like it, but I was trying to protect you."
Wanda stared at him for a long moment before she nodded. "I believe you," she said, her voice soft. "I was angry with you, for a long time. I… believed you to be to blame for my parents deaths, and then, when I was in the compound, I think I wanted to believe the worst of you."
Tony nodded. He knew that, he had known that. He also knew that he'd genuinely messed up with Wanda. There was no love lost between the two of them, but he though, perhaps, they could maybe not hate one another.
"The accords… I should have told you about them," he said, looking around at the team. "I should have, and that's on me. I knew they were coming and when they did, I thought… I hoped I could make them into something that you wouldn't hate. I thought I'd have the time to make them… better. I didn't. And when I sprung them on you, I didn't do it well, and it was a shitty move on my part."
Clint cleared his throat. "Why did you sign them, Tony?"
Tony sighed. "I believed in the idea of the Accords. Still do, and the new Accords do what I wanted the first ones too. Super powered beings need to be held accountable for their actions, the same as anyone does. Actions have consequences, and we should be held to an even higher standard, given what we can do. I believe that. I also believe that the Accords offer some protection to us, and to the people. They protect us when we try our best and still don't save everyone."
Clint nodded slowly. "Okay. I understand that. I even agree with it, and you're right, the new Accords make a lot of sense. Why would you work with Ross?"
Tony chewed his lip for a moment before he shook his head. "I think you all think that I was the one who chose the people to work on the Accords, but I wasn't. The Accords were Ross's. I found out about them and went in to try and make them… not what he wanted them to be, because if they'd been everything he wanted, we'd have all been utterly fucked. Sometimes, to get results, you have to work with people you don't want to work with to get shit done right. You'll notice that Ross is no longer the Secretary of State. That was always the endgame."
"Why couldn't you tell us that?" Steve asked quietly.
"Would you have listened?" Tony asked. "Because as far as I know, Steve, the so called 'Civil-War' wasn't about the Accords. It was about Barnes."
"You wanted—"
"Stevie, don't make me beat your ass," Bucky said, when Steve raised his voice.
"You wanted," Steve repeated, his tone at a normal volume again, "to bring him in to the government, who would have killed him for crimes he didn't commit."
"Actually he did commit them," Tony replied calmly, offering Bucky an apologetic look. "Albeit, he didn't know what he was doing at the time. Thing is, Steve, if you'd asked for help, it could have been handled. I have lawyers who get paid a hell of a lot of money that could have built the best prisoner of war case the world has ever seen."
"You expect me to believe you would have helped after what happened in Siberia?"
Tony glared at Steve for a long moment. "I came to help. I stood there, and I watched him murder my mom. How would you expect me to react to that, Steve? Really? If it was reversed, if you were forced to witness Rhodey murder your mom, would you really just not do anything? If you tell me that you'd be understanding about that, in the moment, I'm going to call you a damn dirty liar.
"And not even just that, because you knew! You knew they were murdered, and you didn't tell me! If you'd told me earlier, if I'd had the chance to rage and shout and get blind drunk and process it, none of what happened in Siberia would have happened, because Zemo wouldn't have been able to spring that trap on me the way he did."
Tony shook his head.
"The sad thing is that if I'd known… if I'd have had the time to process… I would have helped, Steve. I would have wanted to fix things, because it's what I do. I fix things. And it didn't take me long afterwards to realise that Barnes didn't choose to kill her, but that was my mom on the screen and her murderer was right in front of me. Sue me for wanting revenge for that."
Everyone was silent when Tony stopped talking and he picked up his coffee, wrapping both hands around it as he balanced it on his knee.
If Steve still couldn't understand why Tony had been so angry, so hurt, then he never would and Tony would be done trying to make him see how his actions had helped caused the mess they were in.
"You're right," Steve said, looking up to meet Tony's eyes. "You're right. If the situations were reversed, I'd have reacted in exactly the same way. Probably worse, since I know for a fact that you could have killed us both with little effort. I'm not stupid, Tony. I've seen what the suit can do."
Tony didn't reply. Steve was right, of course, but now wasn't the time.
"I'm sorry for not telling you what I knew about your parents," Steve said then. "I truly am. I… made a mess of a lot of things, and I don't know what I can say to make it better, but I really am sorry for that, Tony. I… I wasn't completely sure. I knew they were murdered, or… I strongly suspected, at any rate, but I wasn't completely sure it was Bucky that did it. I just… I was scared, I guess.
"The hole we were in just kept getting bigger and bigger and I didn't know my way out. I acted rashly, and I was a jerk, and I'm sorry."
Tony nodded silently.
"I feel like there's a lot that I don't know about what happened," Sam said, looking between Steve and Tony. "And a lot that I don't understand. But… I judged you without ever meeting you, and I'm sorry for that."
Tony snorted. "Christ, if I expected an apology of everyone who did that, Wilson, there'd be a line half way across America. At least."
Bruce and Natasha chuckled quietly.
"Why didn't you call me?" Clint asked, frowning as he looked at Tony.
"You were out," Tony replied simply. "You were out and you had a wife and kids. I knew how dangerous it was going to be, I knew that things could get out of hand very quickly and I didn't want to take you away from your children. I won't apologise for that, Barton, so don't expect me too."
"I was a dick to you," Clint said then, looking down. "On the raft. I was angry, and I lashed out, but I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm sorry."
Tony nodded. "I always knew you were a prat, Legolas."
Clint looked up and met Tony's eyes, and the two of them smiled at each other.
"Are we about done with the apology session?" Tony asked, downing the last of his coffee. "All these emotions are giving me hives."
The team chuckled at him, and Steve smiled sadly. "Just one more thing I'd like to talk about, if that's okay?"
"Have at it, Spangles," Tony replied tiredly.
"I… missed your nicknames," Steve said quietly. "I… We, missed you. And no matter what you said earlier, or what was official and what wasn't, Iron Man and more importantly, Tony Stark, was definitely a member of the Avengers. Will you join the team. Officially?"
Tony bit his lip then shook his head. Before Steve could argue, he raised his hand to stop him.
"It's nothing against you, or the team. It's… I've had a lot to deal with over the past year, and I'm working through a lot still with my therapist. It's… I'm in a good place now, I really am, but I'm not… I'm by no means cured. It's a process, and at the moment… I don't want to lose my identity into the Avengers. I can't. Not right now."
"So…. it's not a no?" Steve asked, looking hopeful. "It's a not now?"
Tony nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah… yeah, I guess that's what it is. But, well. If you ever really, really, need me, you gotta know I'll be there, Steve."
They looked at each other for a long moment before Steve nodded and his lips tilted in a smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."
…
It was very much easier in the days following the Conversation, capital letter very much necessary. The tension between Tony and the team had eased off, and the camaraderie they'd once known started to return.
Joking with Clint, coffee with Nat, even talking about the Falcon wings with Sam, all felt comfortable.
Steve made him breakfast the morning after the Conversation, and it wasn't… overly awkward.
Tony was enjoying it. Having people in the mansion without the tension was good for him, and he settled into the new normal.
He still spoke to April a fair amount, but she seemed impressed when he told her about the Conversation, and was proud of his decision to hold off on becoming an Avenger again. She worried aloud that he'd lose himself in trying to be everything to everyone again if he started down that slope, though he was quick to inform her that he was doing well.
He didn't feel a sudden need to start gifting them with equipment and shiny new toys, though he did have the living room upgraded with game systems.
Mostly because he wanted to kick Clint's ass at Mario Carts, so that was more a gift for himself.
He didn't notice at first, but the team were all doing little things to integrate him back into their fold. Nothing overt, but Jarvis often told him that they'd asked after him before sitting down to a movie, and they'd started timing dinner to his return when he was out for the day at SI.
Clint bugged him relentless to play Mario, and Sam and Bucky both came to him about mechanics often, having a passion for them, even if they didn't understand half of the words that came out of Tony's mouth.
It was… well, it was great.
Almost too great, Tony thought. He could get used to it far too easily, and that worried him a little because they'd be leaving in a few weeks. The Compound wasn't far off being finished.
He worried a little bit about what would happen to him once he was alone again in the mansion after getting used to having people around him again.
…
"Oi, Barton!"
Clint looked up from the game he was playing, hitting the pause button before he gave Tony his attention.
"What?"
"Catch."
Clint raised his hands automatically and his eyes widened when he saw the arrow in his hands. When he turned back to Tony, his eyes were gleaming with excitement and he grinned, tapping the sofa beside him.
"Come, sit, tell me all the fun stuff."
…
"I love them," Natasha murmured, looking down at the throwing knives Tony had just deposited on the table in front of them.
"They have a small electric surge in them, if you press… here, before you throw them," Tony muttered, smiling at her when her face lit up.
She leant over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."
…
"It's so much lighter," Sam muttered, shifting his shoulders under the weight of his wings. "How?"
Tony smirked. "I'm just that good."
Sam nodded. "I never doubted that, but this is amazing."
…
"You know, you don't have to do it."
Tony looked up from his tablet to see Steve standing in the doorway of the living room.
"Do what?"
"Give the team equipment. None of us are expecting anything from you," Steve replied, entering the room. He sat down on the sofa beside Tony, leaving as much space between them as he could.
"I know," Tony agreed. "I think… I think that makes it easier. That it isn't expected. And… I like making them safe, you know?"
Steve smiled. "You've always done that, Tony."
"Yeah, well…" Tony rubbed a hand through his already messy hair. "There's a lot that still a bit of a mess, but… I love the team. I always did, I probably always will. It's… it's just what is, and I wouldn't change that even if I could."
Steve sighed and leant back into the comfortable cushions. "I just wanted to make sure that you knew you didn't have to do it, that's all."
Tony smirked at him slyly. "So you don't want the gloves with the inbuilt shield retrieval that I finished fabricating this morning?"
Steve blinked at him and then started laughing.
"Watch a movie with me first?" he offered.
Tony nodded. "Sure thing, Spangles."
…
As well as Tony was doing, he still suffered nightmares.
On one such night, he found Bucky sprawled on the sofa, staring unseeing at the tv. Tony made sure to make noise as he approached, not wanting to startle him as he sat down on the sofa.
Bucky turned to look at him slowly, taking in the sleep mussed hair and the tired eyes before he offered a small smile.
"Nightmare?"
"Uh huh," Tony confirmed, slumping back into the cushions.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not particularly."
Bucky shrugged and nodded, turning his eyes back to the tv.
"You?" Tony asked eventually.
"Hmm?"
"Nightmare?"
"Yup," Bucky said, nodding.
"Wanna talk?"
"Not particularly," Bucky echoed.
Tony shrugged and closed his eyes. He was still tired, and though he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again, it didn't mean he couldn't rest. A hand on his made him jump, and he opened his eyes to see Bucky watching him carefully as he gently traced nonsensical patterns on the back of Tony's hand with the tips of his fingers.
It felt… nice.
Tony didn't often get human contact these days, and he missed it sometimes; mostly late at night when his mind had too much free range to think about things best left alone.
"Okay?" Bucky whispered, as Tony's eyes closed once more.
"Hmm. Feels nice," Tony murmured.
The feeling continued, and Bucky shifted beside him so he could reach to half way up Tony's forearm, his fingers never pausing in their patterns.
When Tony woke up on the sofa, he had a warm blanket covering him and a note on the coffee table with a simple Thank you written on it in a messy scrawl.
…
"The Compound is ready for us to move back in," Steve said over breakfast one morning, a little under four months after they'd arrived at the mansion.
Tony nodded, even as his heart sunk.
"We… we want you to come back with us," Steve continued, looking at Tony. "Even if you still don't want to be an Avenger yet… you're still one of us, Tony. It wouldn't be the same without you."
"I… don't really want to live there," Tony said after a long moment. "I like it here. I'm settled here now and moving to the Compound feels like it would be a step back."
Steve's face fell and he nodded.
"But… if you wanted to stay here. Any of you. Your rooms are your rooms now. I won't… I wouldn't be mad if you decided to stay."
"I… really?"
Tony nodded, and looked around at the team to see warmth and affection aimed back at him from every pair of eyes. "Really."
…
An Avenger's call out happened a week later. None of the Avengers were currently at the mansion, having returned to the Compound for training purposes. They'd decided to split their time wherever they were able, and Tony had hope for the new arrangement.
Space but also the option of them being around was… well, it was pretty damn perfect, all told.
Jarvis alerted Tony to the situation, and Tony immediately has his AI hack into the coms for the team and into the surrounding CCTV to get a look at what was going on.
It was aliens (of course it was, when was it not aliens these days), and it looked rough. He monitored the situation, even as his knee bounced and his fingers tapped, his body impatient to get out into the midst of the battle.
He wouldn't throw himself into the fray until he was sure he was needed.
Then he saw Clint throw himself from a building top and Sam barely managed to catch him, and Tony's patience with himself snapped.
He knew who he was, and part of who he was was Iron Man. He didn't have to lose that part of himself to know that he was still also Tony Stark.
He thought that was the difference.
The suit surrounded him before he'd even finished the thought, and he took off immediately.
…
Tony connected to the coms as soon as he arrived on scene, blasting three of the aliens who were attempting to creep up on Steve.
"Tony!"
"Code names, Captain," Tony teased, flying around him to blast a few more off of a nearby roof.
It felt good, being back in action and actually feeling like a part of the team. This was nothing like the battle at the Compound, where Tony had dived in because he could. He actually wanted to be here.
A flash of lightning signalled the arrival of Thor, and Tony cheered aloud when he saw the Asgardian, making Bruce who was sitting out nearby, and Clint laugh.
Thor and Tony worked together with perfect synchronicity and precision to close the portal and take out the aliens in the air, while the others took out those still on the ground. When it was done, and Coulson was ushering in a clean up team, Tony let his helmet fold down.
Thor swept him into a tight hug. "Man of Iron, it is very good to see you!"
"Good to see you too, Point Break," Tony wheezed out as the air was squeezed out of him.
"Debrief on the helicarrier," Steve said over the coms.
Tony could practically hear the smile in his tone when he said and he grinned widely to himself.
As the others returned to the quinjet, Tony and Thor took to the skies, flying around each other playfully as they made their way to where Fury was waiting for them.
…
"He's smiling," Tony hissed as they entered the meeting room. "Does anyone else feel like the world is about to end?"
Clint burst out laughing, while Natasha rolled her eyes fondly and Bucky chuckled.
"You did well out there today," Fury said, as they all took their seats. "Only three civilian casualties, and two of those were before you arrived on scene. The Accords committee are practically prancing at the first reports of the fight."
Tony snorted.
"Stark?"
"Hmm?"
"Back on the team?"
Tony looked up to stare at Fury for a long moment. He knew he could argue the semantics of that statement, and the look in Fury's eyes told him that the man had chosen the words on purpose.
He decided to take that as the apology he knew it was.
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."
…
"How are you feeling?" Bucky asked, sitting down beside Tony on the sofa.
"Hmm? Oh," Tony said, looking down at the bruising on his arm. "I'm good, this is nothing."
"I was thinking more about rejoining the team, but I'm glad your arm is okay."
Tony snorted. "I'm good. I just… I guess I realised that Iron Man is a part of me, but doesn't have to be all of me."
"Bit like I'll always have part of the Winter Soldier, right?"
Tony hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe."
"I choose to use the skills I gained from Hydra for good," Bucky said with a shrug. "So a part of the Soldier will always be in me. I've learnt to accept that and realised that I don't have to be him to use him."
"That's good, Frosty. I'm slightly offended that you're more well adjusted than half the people I know, myself included, but I'm happy for you."
Bucky laughed. "I wouldn't go as far as well adjusted."
Snorting, Tony gestured to the TV. "You got a list like Spangles?"
"Nah. I choose whatever looks good in the moment."
"Fair. Anyone introduced you to Disney?"
"A few. I like the animal ones."
"Seen Lion King?"
"I… No?"
"Rude. Que it up, J."
…
Movie nights begun to happen more and more frequently, and often times, the Avengers could be found lounging in the living room of the mansion or the compound, a movie playing on the screen.
Tony found that no matter where they were, Bucky always managed to snag the place beside him, and within twenty minutes of the movie, his fingertips would be tracing patterns into whatever part of Tony he could reach.
Tony liked it.
It was comforting, and it helped him relax in a way that he didn't get very often. He lost track of the amount of times he fell asleep to Bucky's fingers tracing patterns into his hand.
They were all… domesticated.
It was odd, but the good kind of odd. Steve and Tony fell into co-leadership without even trying, and the team felt…
Tony would never say it out loud, but they felt like a family.
He loved it.
He'd come a long way to get right back where he started, and yet, he couldn't regret any of it. His life now was infinitely better than it had been for so long, and he was finally settled enough to believe that he could have this.
He deserved to be happy, and he was.
…
"Sour patch!" Tony greeted loudly, jumping into Rhodey's waiting arms when the man walked into the mansion on a Friday evening.
"Tones," Rhodey replied softly, scooping his best friend into a hug. He moved them to the sofa, tumbling them down until Tony was practically sprawled across his lap.
"I missed you," Tony murmured. "You're not supposed to stay gone so long."
"I know, I'm sorry," Rhodey replied. "I'll do better."
Tony grinned. "The team will be here soon, we're watching… I don't know what we're watching. You can choose if you want?"
"You look… happy, Tones," Rhodey said, his eyes sparkling. "Really happy."
"I am happy, Platypus."
"So, do I have to kill Barnes yet, or what?"
Tony blushed and shook his head. "It's not like that, Rhodey. We're not… it's not… it's all fine. We're friends, and that's all fine."
"It didn't sound like just friends, when we were talking last week. Methinks you've got yourself a crush."
"I'm happy as it is," Tony whispered. "I don't… things are good like they are. I don't want things to change."
"Even if the change can make you happier?"
"But what if it doesn't? What if it makes things awkward and weird and then they all leave and then—"
"Tones."
"Okay, okay, I know. I'm allowed to want things. April told me as much, but still. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything as things are now, you know?"
Rhodey's lips twitched, but he rolled his eyes. "So long as you know that I'm going to give Barnes the shovel talk eventually."
"Sour patch," Tony whined.
"You're cute," Rhodey told him flatly. "Being cute ain't gonna stop me."
…
Bucky was acting strange.
Tony could feel his gaze as they all watched the movie, but oddly, he hadn't joined Tony and Rhodey on the sofa.
Tony had made sure that there was room, but Bucky had taken one look at them, scowled, and slumped into an armchair across the room, glaring off into space. Tony wasn't really sure what to think about that.
As the movie progressed, Bucky had watched Tony more than movie. Tony looked over to meet his eyes, only for the other man to look away immediately, blushing.
Tony sighed and looked back at the screen. As much as he loved having his Rhodeybear there, it just wasn't the same as having Bucky's fingertips trailing his skin. He missed the sensation.
He missed Bucky.
Whatever was going on with him, Tony could only hope it would be resolved quickly.
…
"They're… just friends, right?"
Steve looked up from the popcorn he was popping to see Bucky standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Steve knew that look in his eyes, had been watching it unfold for weeks, and if he was honest, he'd been waiting for the other man to say something.
"Tony and Rhodes?"
"Uh-huh."
"Yep. Totally platonic, best friends. Bit like us, Buck."
"Yeah, but I don't lie all over you the way Tony is with Rhodes, do I?"
"It's just how they are, Buck," Steve replied, barely managing to not laugh at the sulky look on his best friend's face. "How they've always been since I've known them."
"I like him, Steve."
"I know."
"What?"
"I said, I know. Hell, the whole team knows, apart from Tony. Do you know how hard it is to keep Sam from teasing you about it?"
"Why… why doesn't Tony know, if everyone else knows? He's a fucking genius."
"With technology. And science. And… well, probably a whole lot more. Tony's a genius yes, but he's also an idiot with interpersonal relationships, so… probably gonna have to get your big boy pants on and just tell him."
"Ugh. This was so much easier in the forties."
Steve sighed. "Just ask him out to dinner, Buck."
Bucky stared at him for a long moment and then shook his head, his lips curling up in a smile. "What is my life if I'm coming to you for dating advice?"
"Jerk."
"Punk."
…
"Hey Buckaroo," Tony greeted, when Bucky entered the lab. "What's up?"
"I, uh."
Tony looked up to see Bucky standing awkwardly by the doorway, running a hand through his hair.
"Everything okay?" Tony asked, dropping the screwdriver he'd been using and giving Bucky his full attention.
"Yeah, I just… Would you, erm, I mean, do you… do you want to go get food?"
Tony blinked. "Sure thing. Gimme… ten minutes to get changed?"
Bucky's face fell for a moment before he forced a smile and nodded. "I. Yeah, okay."
"Bucky… really, is something wrong?"
"I used to be a charming bastard," Bucky said, looking away from Tony. "Never had a problem getting a date, you know? And then… after everything, I didn't think I'd ever feel like that again, didn't think it would ever be a problem. Brainwashing can be a bit of a damper on the libido, you know?"
"Erm. Sure?"
"And then, I met you. I got to know you and… I like you, Tony. I really like you, and I don't know how to do this now, but… I want to try. I want to try, with you, if you'll have me."
Tony could feel his heart beating in his chest, and he wasn't even sure if he was breathing. "That… that was a pretty good start," he managed to say.
He wasn't some teenage girl, dammit, he wasn't going to swoon!
"Yeah?"
"I. Yeah," Tony said, standing up on slightly unsteady legs. "That… was probably one of the most romantic ways I've ever been asked out on a date."
Bucky blinked. "Wow, you must have had some really shit requests."
Tony snorted, walking forwards until he was within touching distance of Bucky. "Are you sure… are you sure this is what you want?"
Bucky's eyes softened and he reached out to rest his hand on Tony's waist, gently tugging him closer. "I'm sure about you."
"I'd… Yeah. Okay then. I like you too, Elsa."
…
Tony was almost asleep on Bucky's chest when he heard a throat clearing in the doorway. He opened his eyes to see Rhodey standing there, a gleam in his eyes and his lips tilted up in a smirk.
The team were all watching on with wide grins.
"Now, I can do the shovel talk, right Tones?"
"Rhodey, no," Tony whined.
"Rhodey, yes," Rhodey replied, as he walked into the room, sitting down in the armchair beside Tony and Bucky. "It's a simple one really. If you hurt him, I will end you. Understand?"
Tony grumbled against Bucky's chest, but Bucky just looked down at him, and ran a hand through his hair.
"If I hurt him, I'll let you."
Written for;
Assorted Appreciation - 4. Write about starting something new. (therapy)
Amber's Attic - 4. Someone trying to turn their life around.
Angel's Arcade - C2. Change (theme)
Days of the Year - 64. Write about someone being unnecessarily cruel.
365. 134. Forgive
1000. 108. Movie Night