Oh wow! I am so sorry this has taken so long, I've been swamped by assignments and I have exams coming up and everything is hectic! Another long one to make up for it. Thankyou to every single person who left a review and started following, I appreciate it so much! I wish I could just spend every minute writing so I don't let you guys down but you'll just have to put up with this instead. Hope you enjoy~
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything associated with Naruto. Apart from my soul. Which is definitely associated. And my heart.
Hinata listened with bated breath to hear Sabaku's voice say something, anything. She was taking a risk but she didn't know who else to turn to. Matsuri and Temari didn't know about Sabaku, she had never mentioned it, and she had no one else. She couldn't complain about these things to her other two friends, she didn't want them to think they weren't doing enough. These past weeks they had been constantly by her side, endlessly chatting and taking her shopping, even just sitting in the towers substantial library with Hinata while she read. She didn't want them to feel like they weren't helping, in fact they were a huge support and she loved them for it, but she needed something more. Hinata was never one to complain, not at the compound to her family, not to her mother when things were rough, but right now she needed someone to listen, to understand. She sat there waiting, listening and still he didn't say a word. Her voice cracked when she said his name, "Sabaku?"
She could hear the wind outside, a sure sign of a small sand storm that raged frequently on the outskirts of Suna. She listened to the rattling of the windows, the crackle from the fire that Sabaku always lit when it started to get dark to ward off the cold. The sun was setting and the glow from the fire amplified the golden pinks and reds that bounced off of the wooden walls in the library. It made her anxiety grow, seeing the setting sun, she needed to get back to the tower before anyone realised she wasn't in bed resting, although she had explained to the others that she wasn't feeling well she knew they would check in the morning. She only wanted to speak to a friend, she didn't want to cause any problems for the people that had constantly been her supports these weeks past.
She was jolted out of her thoughts when she heard a small intake of breath, like the person behind the bookcase hadn't been breathing this entire time and only just delivered air to their lungs. It sounded as if they had been trapped underwater and could only just surface for air, freed from their restraints.
"Hinata… I'm so sorry." It caused her heart to beat painfully, why was he apologizing? Was he sorry for the way she felt? Did he have any other cause to apologize?
"Why are you sorry? You have nothing to apologize for." She replied on a small, fake laugh.
"I don't know what to say." His deep baritone voice sounded like he was struggling to get out the simple words. "Did you want to return to Konoha?" He asked quietly, "that way you would have your freedom." She thought she also heard him say something under his breath but she couldn't be sure.
Shaking her head she hugged her knees closer to her chest, "No, I don't want to return to Konoha. Although I have friends there now I don't want to leave Suna." His sigh was audible to her even through the wooden bookcase. "I want to try and make it work with Gaara, even if he'll never love me, even if he regrets marrying me, I want to try at least. If he'll give me a chance."
"Why would you?" He asked quickly, "Why would you want to try with a monster like him?" Suddenly she stood, "Why would you say something like that? Gaara's not a monster!" Shaking her head at him, "You don't even know him."
There was a small huff of laughter from where Sabaku was. It was sad, hauntingly sad, like there were secrets behind that laugh. The windows strained against the wind outside as if carrying secrets from the grave, warning her to leave the conversation, telling her to go. There was silence but she refused to fill it, she felt that if she disturbed this silence than the walls would close in on her and guard her ears from ever hearing what she needed to. She didn't know why she felt this way, she supposed it was intuition.
"Gaara, the Kazekage, is a monster. Have you never wondered why he doesn't show his face to the villagers? It's because every time that he had before, someone was always killed. Gaara has blood on his hands, too much blood to ever be washed away by someone as pure as you. Soon you will be stained with the red liquid, whether it's someone else's or your own." Another laugh, "Gaara is a murderer, a freak, a monster. He was born to kill, to kill other villagers, to kill women and children and enjoy it! He tried to kill his own siblings and the amount of people that have died by his hand within the village… Well. There's too many to count. You cannot look at a man such as him, someone who murdered his own father, and not call him a monster!" He was shouting now and Hinata started to shake. She didn't worry for herself but he sounded so angry and pained. "Lies! They're all lies, why would you say that?" She was quiet when she replied, but the pain and emotion carried in the tremors of her voice, like a soft scream before silence.
"It's true, you know it's true. Listen to the rumours, ask his siblings, Gaara is a murderer, he will always be. If you don't get away from him, you won't last long."
Hinata couldn't listen, she started running towards the door. She could hear Sabaku's voice getting louder the further she ran, "You know it's true, Hinata!" She ran harder. There was no caring about the small storm tearing at her face, her clothes. It didn't matter that her physical strength was so low at this point, the adrenaline carried her. She wasn't sure how she made it but suddenly she was running through the front entrance of the tower screaming for Temari. The blonde came running from her bedroom upstairs at once after hearing the painful cry, "Hinata, what's wrong?! What happened?!" Hinata bent over and rested her hands on her thighs, bringing as much air into her struggling lungs as she possible could, despite the tight straining around her chest. "Temari, did Gaara really kill your father?" She looked up as Temari's face screwed into a look of pain and she looked downwards, "Come, let's sit in the library."
Hinata wanted to scream that no, she didn't want to move, she wanted answers. But her legs moved on their own accord as her breathing and heartbeat slowed to a more relaxed pace. She sat on a leather chair opposite Temari's and waited for her to start speaking.
"Hinata," she started, "before I tell you this, you need to listen to the whole story before you speak, okay? I need to get this out without complications so you can understand what I'm trying to tell you." At Hinata's nod, Temari leaned forward and put her elbows on her legs, holding her hands together. "When Gaara was born, he was early. So incredibly early that when he came through he was so tiny he could fit in both hands. That's not to say he wasn't a healthy baby, no all of him was there and he was crying and screaming, but it was too early for our mother. She died holding Gaara, she bled to death from complications, but not before using her power to instil a shield of sand around Gaara, to protect him from harm. Our father was a loving man before that day, but when she died I'm pretty sure the human part of him died with her. For five years he couldn't look, touch or stand being around Gaara. Around that time, Kankuro, Gaara and I were very close, we all suffered together as our father grew more and more distant. When Gaara was four he started working out how to control his sand to create things, it was just fun at first, but when someone tried to kidnap Gaara, father found out that along with being able to create things, Gaara couldn't be touched. His sand would come up around him and form an impenetrable wall whenever it sensed he was in danger. When father found out he realised what an asset Gaara could be, so for the first time ever he asked into his study and closed the door. When Gaara came out, covered in blood, gone was the sweet boy that Kankuro and I had practically raised along with our uncle, instead he was blank, scared. Ever since that day, Gaara became worse, more closed off. He stopped speaking as much, stopped playing, and stopped looking us in the eye." Temari breathed out and looked up towards the ceiling, blinking away tears. "I don't know if you've ever heard about the tailed beasts, but it was a legend of great monsters that were fought and sealed into generations of children and carriers." Hinata nodded, listening. "Most people thought it was just a story to scare small children, but we knew better. Our mother had a tailed beast within her and when she gave birth and died, that tailed beast was put into Gaara." Hinata was sure her small gasp echoed throughout the room and it was confirmed when Temari looked her in the eyes, but she continued. "Gaara was eight when father realised the power the tailed beast bestowed upon Gaara, and he started using that power for himself. Gaara was sent out to wars and villages and even the people of Suna if father needed him to. Each time he would come back with a blank look in his eyes, covered in specks of blood. Sometimes he came home carrying limbs or heads, to prove to father that it had been taken care of…. This carried on for years, Gaara started becoming crazy from father's orders, what he had done and the voice of the tailed beast inside of him, calling for more blood, more destruction. He stopped sleeping because when he slept, the tailed beast would take over, he still held some control. But when Gaara became mad or confused, or simply smelled the metallic blood somewhere, he would rampage through the town or wherever he was. He killed villagers, staff, he even tried to kill us." Temari ran her hands over her face as if to wipe away the memories that haunted her. "When he met Naruto – who is another tailed beast – Gaara felt a sort of enlightening. He knew he had a chance to change his own destiny, and stopped killing then. Father wasn't happy about it when Gaara told him he wouldn't kill anymore, he went mad, screaming at Gaara. Gaara didn't move, he didn't want to hurt anyone the day he pledged not to, but father took me…" Her hand went up to her throat, "he started choking me, I thought I was going to die. A guard restrained Kankuro when he came to help. Father said 'If you want them to live, you will kill.'" Tears fell freely down Temari's cheeks now and she looked straight into Hinata's eyes, "Gaara did kill that day, he killed the true monster in the room. He killed to save Kankuro and I. But he hasn't killed since, Hinata, please believe me."
Temari started shaking, as if reliving the shock and pain of not only her, but her brother. Hinata was also in shock but she went over to Temari and held her as she sobbed quietly. Hinata absorbed what Temari had told her, thinking over each intricate detail and connecting everything in her head. Everything made sense, the scenes she had seen of Gaara and his siblings, what Matsuri and Naruto had asked of her, how Gaara somehow seemed unsure of communicating, it all matched what Temari and Sabaku had just told her. But instead of the revulsion she expected to feel, she only felt sad. Sad for the poor, lonely boy who hadn't felt the love of a mother, who had been used for his father's gain, who had eventually changed his ways but was forced to kill his own father to save his family. She felt anger at the man who had treated Gaara as a weapon instead of a boy, the same man who she had seen in Gaara's office, staring down at anyone who entered. Gaara had to always see the face of a monster, but it wasn't his own. She thought of the tailed beast inside of him and wondered if that was why he left, instead of hating her, maybe he was afraid of hurting her. Temari sounded sincere, she knew she was telling the truth. Temari didn't hate her brother either, instead Hinata felt the worry that radiated off of the woman in front of her.
When Temari had calmed down, Hinata walked her to her room, telling her she needed time to think. In reality, Hinata clothed herself in her warmest clothes and went off into the night, she knew she had to set things straight with the person who was her first friend in Suna.
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Gaara hadn't moved, barely aware of his own breathing. Now she would know, she would know his faults, know what kind of monster he was. "You took her away from me!" Screamed Shukaku in his head, "She would have been ours but now she is gone!" Gaara still just sat. He was too weary to fight with the demon in his head, instead he let the fury wash off of him. At this very moment, Hinata was probably packing, getting all of her belongings before returning to Konoha where she would be safe from her own husband. He didn't expect any differently, he knew what he was and how people reacted. Naruto had been the only person to accept Gaara, past and everything, without running from him. Although it had been this way for years, he felt the weight of everything suffocate him. He felt… Alone.
He knew that once Hinata was gone he could return to Suna and his brother and sister, who he knew would stay with him if he needed them to, although he would have to let them go when they left to be with the people they loved. He would have to accept the fact that he would always be alone, no one would love a monster, no one should love a monster like him. He had accepted it but the sharp pain in his chest amplified, Hinata would never look at him again. Part of him wanted to sit in this secluded room forever, with a single desk and chair, the low lamp perched on top of the small mahogany casting just enough light so he could see his papers. This is what he deserved, to rot away when the dust gathered and the light burned out, to never leave the small house that held so many memories of him and the only woman who had ever gotten this close to him, had wanted to get this close to him. This was what he deserved. He hoped that as the days grew longer and he grew weaker, that he would still be able to smell lilies in the air, still feel the presence of the faerie like woman who had invaded his home and his mind.
Just thinking about it, blocking out the screaming monster in his head who was desperate to stay alive, made him weary. So weary that he didn't hear the door open, or the soft footsteps coming towards the room, so weary he didn't hear her soft breaths. By the time she spoke, she had already come into the library and sat on the floor in front of the bookcase, looking directly towards him. "Sabaku, will you listen to me?"
He believed it was his imagination, a ghost of his past already come to haunt him, but he still answered, refusing to give up this sweet dream. "You came back."
"Of course, you are my friend. I've come to talk about Gaara, although you might not want to." She said softly, and he didn't reply so she would continue, refusing to break this spell.
"I don't know why you personally don't like him, but I think you're wrong about him. Gaara isn't a monster." How sweet her voice was, always so pure, so trusting, so real.
"He may have done things in his past, but we all have our ghosts. He's not like that now, he's changed. When I see him in my head, I don't see a monster, instead I see a small boy who just wanted to be loved."
"Why have you come so soon to taunt me?" He whispered softly, but she heard it, even through the heavy bookcase.
"I haven't come to taunt you, Sabaku, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know how I feel. Temari told me the truth and at first I was shocked, but not now. Now I just understand why Gaara is the way he is. But he's no monster, and I'll keep waiting for him."
"Are you not afraid of being hurt?" he asked, closing his eyes and revelling in this dream, the first ever dream he's had.
When she spoke, it was with conviction. It was amazing how much stronger Hinata sounded when in his own head, "Gaara wouldn't hurt me. I think that is why he hasn't been home, because he's afraid of just that. But I know, I just know he wouldn't hurt me."
Gaara opened his eyes then and looked at her, really looked. She looked exactly the way she had before she ran out except for her clothes, warmer now, and there were scratches on her delicate face, probably from the sand. But seeing those scratches brought Gaara out of his head, crashing back to reality. He stood and walked closer to the bookshelf that separated them, "You're real?" He asked, almost inaudibly.
She tilted her head, causing her hair to fall slightly to the side as she studied the bookcase where she knew he was. "Of course I'm real." And then she did the most amazing thing, she smiled. He could look at that smile and feel the earth shift beneath him, like thousands of butterflies had caused it to tilt when her mouth moved.
"I hope you'll think about what I've said, I have to go back now before Temari worries about me. Please, think about it." She then got up and left, turning back at the doorway to say a small goodbye and then she was gone, leaving Gaara still standing near the bookcase.
He thought about everything she had said, everything. She knew about him, she didn't run. She didn't run. She didn't run.
It was another two days of thinking and thinking and thinking before Gaara made up his mind to return to the place he had been avoiding for over a month. He thought while he travelled back to the tower, he thought when he opened his balcony doors that lead to his office and he continued to think as he sat down in the large leather chair. He looked around, noticing that not a speck of dust laid wait in the large room, wondering whether the cleaning staff had come in while he was away, if they no longer scared of his wrath. He looked at the wall directly in front of him and noticed something was different immediately. It was bare. No longer was his father's disapproving face staring down at him with an evil look in his eyes, no longer was the intimidating portrait hanging, judging him from afar. He stood up from his chair and walked out of his office, directly to Temari's room. It was early still, she wouldn't have been awake already, so he knocked on her large wood door. He watched as a sleep-covered Temari groggily opened the door, one arm stretching outwards. The exact moment she knew it was him was hard to define, as he had no time to react as a fist pummelled into his stomach. Suddenly, an angry Temari was standing over him, fully awake now with her hands on her hips. "You're lucky I don't kill you for how you've treated Hinata so far!" He held up his hands in front of him in defeat, knowing that she was right. "I worried about you, you asshole! You were gone for way too long this time, for what?! A nice little holiday?" She stepped away from him then and held out her hand, which he immediately grabbed as she pulled him to stand. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, knowing now that this was the way she showed her affection. She pulled him into a small hug before standing back and pointing her finger at him, "The next time you run off without so much as a by-your-leave, your head will be served at the next meal. Got it?" At his small affirmation she nodded. "Now go tell your wife you're home so she'll eat something. I'm going back to bed." And then she shut her door in his face, fully intending to sleep for as long as she could. She opened the door quietly this time and peeked around it, "I'm glad you're back, little bro." Then she vanished.
Gaara walked down the halls, not entirely sure of what he should do. He knew he should tell Hinata he was back, but he wasn't quite sure where she slept now, or what he would say. He didn't have long to think about it, however, as he walked into the kitchen and found her at a small table by herself, reading a small book with a cup of tea in the other hand. She must have heard him approaching because she turned around, abruptly dropping her book – thankfully not dropping her tea. She stood and watched him, tea still in her hand. "Gaara… You're home?" she said it timidly, somehow like she didn't believe what was in front of her was real. At his nod, however, she did something unexpected. She always did something he wasn't expecting.
She put down her tea and ran into his arms, wrapping him in a tight hug before letting go as quick as she came. She seemed somehow shocked by her own actions. "I-I'm so s-sorry! I don't know what came over me."
After she had sat back down at the table she started staring at her tea, trying to make sense of everything. He was surprised by how confused she seemed, as if she didn't mean to hug him and instead was compelled to by some unknown force surrounding them. He knew she needed time, so instead of asking her about it, he went over to the kitchen area and made himself a pot of coffee – black, no sugar – and stood as it boiled. She kept sneaking glances at him, seemingly unsure of what to say, not quite believing he was back.
After getting his steamy mug he walked back to the small square table and sat down opposite of her, seemingly shocking her again as she just stared at him as he sipped his hot coffee. He felt, on edge. He felt as if every nerve in his body was being watched, studied. He felt uncomfortable. "Stop staring." He said just as he took another sip of coffee and immediately she averted her eyes. It didn't entirely help the way he was feeling but it made it slightly better.
For a while they sat in silence, both drinking out of their small mugs. He breathed in the scent of her, Lilies mixed with coffee and chamomile, and it was a strange sensation.
Softly she started speaking, "I'm glad you're home, Gaara." And then looked up at him. He looked her in the eyes before replying, in his normal voice, for the first time, "Are you?"
He could see the confusion swimming in the depths of her pearl eyes, trying to figure out what she had heard and connect it with something, but she must not have connected him with the voice behind the bookcase because quietly she replied, "Yes, I am."
When he nodded but didn't speak, she picked up her once-forgotten book and continued to read. Although this wasn't what they were used to, and she didn't know they had done this many times before, it felt right. Comfortable silence, her reading, giving him time to study the delicate framing of her face, the way her hair fell upon her shoulders. It must have only been thirty minutes before another person came through the door saying Hinata's name and starting to talk with her. The brown haired female came into the room, a purple streak on her face – Matsuri. She stopped immediately when she saw him sitting on the other side of the table and assumed a stance not unlike his sisters. "You!" She said as she pointed to him. "You scu—" He didn't hear the rest of what she was going to say as Hinata had stood and walked towards her, putting a hand on the other girls shoulder and softly shaking her head. Matsuri looked at Hinata, and then him, and then Hinata again. The next time she looked at him she narrowed her eyes and glared at him, as if reminding him of the warning she had given when she found out about his first plans to marry Hinata. Turning to Hinata once more, she gave her a large hug and then presented something out of the bag she had brought. A sweet scent attacked him before he saw the large atrocity, a roll of pastry or bread with icing drizzled all over, he hadn't known his dislike of the smell of cinnamon before but now he knew. But he watched Hinata's face as she saw it, and revelled in the delight he saw light up her features. He would never tell a soul of his aversion to cinnamon scrolls if it made her this happy, he would take his secret to the grave if he needed. He got up then, fully intending to leave the two to their chatter as he started his neglected papers on his large desk. He made it halfway down the long stretch before a running Matsuri caught up with him, he could see Hinata watched them fretfully, but knew she wouldn't be able to hear them speak.
"You better not have come back just to leave again, if you hurt her I will hold true to my promise." She stated, rising up to her full height and standing closer to him, trying to look threatening. Gaara understood, she was worried about Hinata, he was glad Hinata had such a good friend. "I promise I won't leave again, not without reason." She didn't seem much happier but she nodded her head and Gaara once again saw the streak of purple across her cheek. "I see my brother has marked you as his own, welcome to the family." He had seen faces go pink, but hers nearly matched the purple that streaked across her face, "I-I-I have to go! Hinata – I have to go to Hinata." She started walking away but then turned back to him shyly, saying "Thankyou Gaara." Before turning back towards his wife who looked nervous.
The study was a welcome distraction from thinking, he started working immediately and hours flew by as he read through the stacked papers on his desk. He didn't know how long he would be away last time so he just took the immediate documents and worked on those, but unfortunately there was a lot of other documents to go through. He worked until the setting sun came through the window, bringing with it the bright colours of purple and red, and a small knock on the door. He stood up and calmly walked to the large wooden door, opening it with ease to reveal his small wife carrying a rather large tray. As he opened the door wider she walked past him and set the tray on the small table to the far side of the room, between two large chairs and the lounge. Looking between him and the food expectantly, she realised he wasn't going to say anything and instead motioned to the food. "G-Gaara, would y-you join me for dinner?"
He studied her as she stood, her hair was up and pinned with a clip featuring a white butterfly, she wore flowing white pants with a matching top, suited for her, but not necessarily suited for the red harshness of Suna, and he wondered how she kept it so white. Her face seemed to darken at his pointed gaze and she seemed to grow smaller, wringing her hands.
"T-Temari bought me some new clothes, as my other ones were too heavy for the climate. I hope you don't mind?" She seemed worried, perhaps she thought he disapproved. He turned around to close the door, "They are fine." He said nonchalantly. That was how they stayed so clean, they were new. He swore she was wearing different clothes this morning, however, and wondered what had happened to the dark purple clothes. It didn't matter, however, she looked beautiful in everything she wore. Especially right now, with the white complimenting her pale skin and her dark blue hair contrasting perfectly with the clip. He had never seen her with her hair up before, but he decided he liked it. He walked over to where she stood and sat down in one of the large chairs, waiting for her to join him. She seemed unsure and a little bit confused, but she gave him a small smile and sat down opposite to him. On the tray were two bowls of what seemed to be stew, both with toasted bread on the side and in the middle of the tray were two mugs of tea. She reached over and placed his food in front of him and then continued to do the same for herself before removing the tray to the other side of the table. Every single movement was graceful and it was clear she used to be an heiress, but he refused to dwell on it so he wouldn't feel the stirrings of anger again.
They ate quietly, each not knowing what to say and instead he just enjoyed the comfort of silent company. When they finished eating Hinata packed the dishes back onto the tray again and went to lift it, but Gaara was there instead, taking it out of her hands and heading towards the door. She started to protest but he simply just looked at her and motioned for her to open the door for him, giving her something to do. They walked along the hall in silence until they made it to the kitchen, where she ran in front of him and blocked his way. "I-I can take it from here!" she said quickly, looking worried. Gaara simply walked past her and pushed open the door with his shoulder, coming face to face with chaos worse than he had seen on the battlefield. There was the marks of black smoke marring the kitchen's white walls, mixed with a red coloured condiment splattered across the walls and floor. Pots, pans and cutlery splayed across the floor and benches and there was some mysterious black substance in a rather small pot on the stove. It smelled burnt, like there had been a fire wildly tearing apart the kitchen although he could only see small signs of marring. He looked back at his small wife, she head her head down and was pushing her hands together awkwardly. She raised her eyes and gave him a weary smile, "I've never cooked before." It was quiet but he heard her and started putting everything together. Hinata had cooked for him, despite never cooking before, she made a meal especially for him. For someone who had grown up with staff preparing his meals or the simply atrocious times Temari had tried cooking when they were younger, it was a strange feeling for someone to spend so much effort trying to make him a meal. Her voice peaked when she started again, "I-I wanted to make something more… Elaborate. But all of it burnt, so I had to make something simple instead. I'm sorry." She put her head down again and he felt a stab of worry, he didn't mean to upset her.
He awkwardly looked away and quietly mumbled, not entirely sure how to word it. "Thank you, it was… delicious." It seemed so simple, too simple, but effective. Hinata looked up and gave him one of her shining smiles and he immediately knew that it was the right thing to say. He wasn't lying, either, it truly had been a very flavoursome meal, but he had assumed the staff had cooked it. It was amazing that someone who had never cooked before could have created something so enjoyable. Hinata hadn't stopped smiling, albeit it was less pronounced now, as she surveyed the mess. She looked tired, weary. He wondered how long she had been working on this for, judging by the amount of mess it would have been a while. He set the tray down on the less destroyed part of the bench and then walked towards her, lightly pushing her towards and out through the door. "Goodnight." He said to her, and then motioned for her to walk down the hallway. She tried to protest, fully intending to clean the kitchen now, but got nowhere as he wouldn't move from the doorway, so eventually she gave up and bid him goodnight.
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Hinata was weary as she started walking back to her room. She had spent a long time trying to prepare a meal, firstly because Temari had tried to give her lessons this morning which was a terrible mistake. Turns out, Gaara's sister was a terrible cook, but Hinata didn't want to hurt her feelings and so created her own disaster. But that wasn't the only reason, no, she was emotionally exhausted. She hadn't expected her husband to walk through those doors this morning and she hadn't prepared. Immediately after their encounter this morning, which was so different from any encounter she had spent with Gaara, she planned to make a meal, hopefully talk with him. It obviously hadn't gone to plan with the mishaps and then through dinner she didn't know how to bring up conversation so they just sat and ate in silence. It was comfortable, almost familiar, but she had hoped to tell him that she knew his past and that it was okay and she was staying. She had also hoped that she would be able to explain the portrait that was now removed from his room. She hadn't meant to do it as an invasion of privacy, she was just so angry at his father that she couldn't believe he had allowed it to stay up there for as long as he did. She had cleaned his office and room every day since he had been gone, in hopes that he would return sooner, and that painting had watched her every single day until she'd just had enough. So now it was gathering dust in the storage area, covered by a large white sheet.
As she pulled back the covers and made her way into her own bed she thought about Gaara. He had been gone for weeks, over months and yet he seemed the same as always. Stoic, of course, but sweet. Somewhat gentlemanly with the way he didn't let her carry the dishes back to the kitchen, or even mention the way the kitchen looked after he so obvious disaster. She thought he would have been… Bitter, angry even. But he seemed no more upset at her than he was before they married. Instead it almost seemed like he was more comfortable around her.
She wondered if Temari had told him what Hinata knew now, if somehow Hinata knowing his past and accepting him made him less wary of her. She hoped so, she really did want to try and make a stable friendship with the handsome red head. And boy was he handsome! Not that she had forgotten, of course, but as he was away she had somehow tricked herself into believing that she really wasn't that attracted to him, probably to make it easier. His dark, tussled red hair a perfect contrast to his black-ringed turquoise eyes and pale skin. His lips were always set in a straight line but something about them was gentle, soft, a pale pink that could be very kissable.
Kissable! She shouldn't be thinking of those things. This marriage was simply business, what would anyone say if they had heard her thoughts?
Shaking her head she tried to banish the thoughts and pushed her head deeper into the feathery soft pillow. Instead, she thought about Sabaku. Now that Gaara was back, she probably shouldn't go see him, but she wanted to explain why, instead of leaving their friendship on already shaky ground. Making a decision to go see him tomorrow, she closed her eyes and dreamt of red hair and husky voices, so different but somehow, so perfect together.
As she had planned, Hinata snuck out the next morning to go see Sabaku, feeling bad for deceiving Gaara but knowing that it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, Sabaku wasn't home. He wasn't home the next day either, or the next day.
The days all went the same, Hinata would try and see Sabaku in the early morning, spend time with Temari and Matsuri during the day, and then have a quiet, conversation-less dinner with Gaara at night. She was getting quite good at cooking, however, and Gaara always made sure to give her a small compliment afterwards, which she revelled in. She knew it must be different from the professional food the staff had always prepared, but he always told her that it was delicious. When she had told Temari, the look on her face was priceless. Shock, mixed with amusement and something different, undefinable. "So he's been eating all of the food you prepare for him? Every night? And he compliments you?" At Hinata's nod, Temari had a sly smile. "Usually, Gaara would eat maybe once every three or so days when he needs sustenance, and then he doesn't generally care what it is. The fact that he's sitting down with you every night to eat is just… Different." Hinata tried not to show how happy she was to hear this, she felt like she was finally getting somewhere with her quiet husband. So she continued to cook and eat with him every night. The only other thing she wished is that he would appreciate the way she chose to dress, hoping to impress him with her new, Suna appropriate styles that Temari had assured her she looked "Gorgeous" in. Hinata had never considered herself beautiful before, in fact the only time she felt normal was around her family members, because they all had the same sort of features. But she wanted to look attractive for Gaara, and not only because she wanted to be an appropriate wife but simply because she wanted him to see her as someone he might attracted to. She didn't have very high hopes for that, however, as since that very first night that he had commented on her choice of clothing, he had said nothing else. She vowed to keep trying, however, hoping that one day he would see her.
Two weeks had passed with the same routine, until one day she received visitors. Two visitors, with the same eyes as her.
"Hanabi? Neji? What are you doing here?" She asked excitedly as she tried to wrap her arms around both of them at the same time. Neji looked uncomfortable with the contact but patted her back regardless, and her little sister revelled in the comfort of her sibling, holding on tightly. As Neji let go, and Hinata was left only hugging her sister, she realized that she was a hostess now. "Please, come in, let us have tea in the library where there is a breeze." As they followed her, she stopped a passing maid and asked politely if they could have some tea brought to them. The small, blonde maid beamed at Hinata and rushed to do her bidding. The staff seemed to enjoy Hinata's company, being more comfortable with her now that they knew her, she treated them as an equal.
The trio sat down in the leather seats and looked at each other, a comfortable smile passing between the two eldest as the youngest positively beamed up at her beloved sister. "So tell me, what has brought you here?"
Hanabi was the first to speak, her smile suddenly faltering as she looked away from her sister. "The council sent us, they said that the Kazekage had put in his contract that we were the only two members of the Hyuuga that were allowed within the tower after your marriage and they needed to discuss with you."
Hinata hadn't even realized, she had thought that when she married the Hyuuga would be happy to have her off of their hands, that's why they hadn't returned. But no, Gaara had helped her again, protecting her from the people who had caused her the most pain. She smiled without realizing and quickly schooled her features when she saw Hanabi raise an eyebrow. Blushing she continued, "What do they need to discuss?" It was at this point that Hanabi looked at Neji again. "I don't know, I am simply accompanying Neji. I think it's something private so I'll excuse myself, I'll go see about our tea."
Once Hanabi had left, Hinata looked at her cousin whose expression had turned dark. "Neji, what is it?"
"Hinata," He started, "Before I start, please don't think that I had any say in this." At her small nod he continued. "The council thought that you would have begun to… Grow an heir by now." Hinata's face grew red. "And they have told me to remind you that it is your duty as a wife to beget an heir. But that's not all." Neji's face grew even darker as his brows furrowed, the pause was small but effective and the hair on Hinata's arms started to prickle. It almost felt as if her father was in this current room, breathing down her neck. "They said to remind you that any heir's that come from this marriage, by duty, will be sent back to the Hyuuga compound for training and educational skill."
"No!" Hinata stood suddenly, despite feeling like she had been punched in the gut. Although she and Gaara hadn't even gotten close to sharing a room, the thought that if that happened… Those monsters would take her children from her? "They can't… I will never let them take any child of mine. I will not let them hurt any of my children."
"Neither will I, Hinata." Neji said as he laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, willing her to take her seat again.
"I'll have to tell Gaara…" Neji nodded in agreeance. "Did you want me there when you tell him?"
She shook her head, this was something that she needed to tell Gaara privately, in case he reacted badly. "One last thing, Hinata. Have you and Gaara…?"
Blushing furiously she looked at her lap and the hands twisting on it. "N-No, w-we h-haven't."
"Good," He nodded, "That should make things easier."
"What are we going to do, Neji?"
Neji had just put his hands over Hinata's when they looked up, hearing a noise.
"What's going on here?" Came a cold voice at the door to the library, looking up she saw her stoic husband, clenching his hands open and shut, poised to attack if need be. Quick to ensure that he didn't misunderstand, "Neji wasn't hurting me, Gaara, it is okay." But apparently that didn't sedate him, and he took slow, watchful steps towards them. He glared at Neji until Neji took his hands from Hinata's and glared straight back, standing to meet the Kazekage at his full height, only falling short by an inch of the red head. "Kazekage, nice to meet you again."
Apparently Gaara didn't do pleasantries either as he continued to stare at her cousin. Hinata didn't know what to do, or how she could make this better, especially when Neji had brought such news.
"I am simply bringing news to your wife-. " He said the last part on a bitter tone, protectiveness shining through, and "I am not here for any other reason." Gaara continued to glare but nodded and left the room, apparently not wanting to stick around the two. Neji sat back, facing Hinata but eyes moving towards the retreating figure. "He isn't one for conversation, is he?" that made Hinata smile. "No, he has a past that explains it, but he's never really been a talker."
Neji looked at Hinata then, straight in the eyes. "How are… How is everything?" he always seemed uncomfortable when he brought up her health, like he was haunted by the thought of what he'd done. "Everything is fine, Neji, I'm happy, healthy and I have friends here. Everything is just fine." He seemed pleased about this, nodding his head with every word. Looking at her forehead he grimaced only slightly, "Has it not healed?" he asked, noting the plaster that covered it, worry tingeing his voice.
Hinata touched her head unconsciously and felt the plaster material covering her shame. "It's healed. I just don't want anyone to have to look at it." Especially me, she thought to herself. She didn't blame Neji for it, never. But it was a constant reminder of how she was never good enough, how even her family could mark her to rid themselves of her, of losing the one parent who really loved her for nothing. She had ended up married against her will regardless, albeit to a far better man, but that is what her mother had died trying to save her from. Hinata didn't regret marrying Gaara, though she wished it was a real marriage…
Remembering Neji, Hinata looked up and smiled, trying to reassure the stoic man. "It's all okay now though, I'm fine with it. It's the price of freedom."
He looked like he was going to say something else, possibly apologize again, but Hanabi came through the door, gracefully holding a tray of tea. "Ah, I hope I'm not interrupting, did you discuss what you needed to?"
Nodding both of their heads and sharing a look with each other of comfortable friendship, they all started talking light-heartedly and spending the rest of the day together. When it became dark, Neji and Hanabi decided to stay the night and head off in the early morning. After showing them to their assigned rooms, Hinata went to go find Gaara, but he was nowhere to be found, instead she decided to talk to him the following morning, so she had a clear head to explain. Feeling exhausted, she slept easily – though plagued by nightmares of her past, and future.
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Gaara knew, he knew and yet he still hoped that wasn't the case. In the house when she said she wanted to make it work with him, he thought that she meant… Nevermind, doesn't matter what she meant. Truth was, she was with Neji, her cousin, despite how strange that was. He didn't think about hiding when he found the two in the library, but he did, listening to their conversation about children, Children! Gaara knew for a fact that he and Hinata had never consummated their marriage, therefore Hinata couldn't be pregnant with his child. When he went in, they were holding hands, another confirmation. He focused on the stars above him, trying to clear his mind, shut down his thoughts, and calm his breathing that started to become erratic every time he thought about it. Behind him came the scuff of something touching the ground and he immediately became ready for a right, knowing that it wasn't his wife, he had become used to her chakra. He turned around and came face to face with the one person who he really did not want to see right at this moment, not now. His pearl-white eyes gleamed in the moonlit darkness and stared straight into him. "So this is where you hide." He said as he walked past Gaara and sat down towards the sky.
"What do you want?" this was said on a snarl, Gaara had hoped he would have time to calm himself before seeing the Hyuuga again.
"I want to us to be civil with each other, for Hinata's sake." A reasonable enough request, coming from Hinata's lover. Gaara let out a bitter laugh, "You would like to be civil? A buffalo and a serpent? You've come into my house, you already have my wife; I don't need to be civil to you." Bright eyes locked onto him, "What do you mean I already have your wife?" He seemed genuinely confused, good act.
"I heard, of course I always suspected but I heard you tonight, talking about the children. Don't play me as a fool." Neji looked contrite and stopped watching Gaara, turning towards the stars once again. "It wasn't my idea, it was the council's, and I can't stand up to them."
Gaara felt disgusted, so the council members put the two together? He wondered if they had done that during Hinata's capture, he felt sick with rage again. "So Hinata didn't participate?" He asked the man that sat near his feet.
"No of course not, who would participate with that? She was furious." Gaara hadn't felt so much anger throughout his childhood as he had the past few months with Hinata. How could people continue to hurt her like this?
Neji didn't see it coming, of course he didn't, but suddenly instead of sitting on the floor, he was sprawled out on it. "You're all monsters, every one of you!" Gaara hadn't felt so much anger throughout his childhood as he had the past few months with Hinata. How could people continue to hurt her like this?
Neji didn't see it coming, of course he didn't, but suddenly instead of sitting on the floor, he was sprawled out on it. "You're all monsters, every single one of you apart from Hinata are filthy!" Neji reacted quickly and dodged Gaara's oncoming attack. "Hey! What are you doing?! Stop!" Neji said as he defended himself.
"You hurt her! She was so pure and you tainted her!" Gaara screamed as he kept attacking, somewhat surprised that the Hyuuga wasn't already dead, but standing up to him, defending each blow.
"If you're talking about her scar, then yes, I know. I will repent every day for that. But that has nothing to do with the children, I had nothing to do with the children!" He yelled louder, hoping to get the Kazekage to see sense, which worked. Gaara's attacks slowed to a complete stop and he looked at Neji. "Who's children are they, then?" the sentence came through rushed air, trying to calm himself before he ruined all of Hinata's trust in him.
To say that the Hyuuga looked bewildered would be an understatement, and Gaara was unsure of what to make of it. "The children are yours and Hinata's, what do you mean?"
"That is impossible, Hinata and I have never… Copulated." Gaara had never been so confused, he thought he had worked everything out but now his head felt like it was going to explode.
"Your future children with Hinata? The Hyuuga want to take them after they have been born. I came here to warn Hinata."
Gaara's legs didn't want to work properly anymore and he laid on the floor next to the Hyuuga.
"So you're not Hinata's lover?" He asked, subtlety not his strong point.
Neji looked outraged and confused at the same time. "OF course not?! Hinata has become a sister to me, just as Hanabi is. We're cousins, not lovers. How dare you—." Neji wasn't able to finish his sentence of denial as Gaara sat up suddenly. "They want to take my children?! How dare they even think that they will touch a single hair on the head of anyone in my family? I can't wait until they try, perhaps then I will be able to crush them without anyone caring."
Neji was clearly confused by everything that had been said and instead of continuing to fight, he released a deep breath and sat up again. "Calm down, no one here will let your children be harmed."
Gaara looked at the Hyuuga and realised his mistake in assuming he and Hinata were lovers, or that he had hurt her. He sat down and looked at his hands, currently bruising from the impact. Before they would have been covered in sand to protect him, but he had needed to feel something, any sort of pain, so he refused the sand shield. He focused again on the man next to him, noticing the blood tainting his lip and felt like a monster yet again. "I… Apologize. I didn't mean to- which is, I didn't know."
Neji considered this as he studied the red-head, apparently sensing that the red-head was being genuine, he started speaking again, touching his lip as he spoke. "Don't get me wrong, I am angry that you would consider any sort of infidelity on Hinata's part. I haven't known her for that long but it is obvious to anyone that she is fiercely loyal. But I understand how your emotions would become upset." He said the last part while he nodded, clearly seeing something that Gaara hadn't realised. Gaara didn't understand his own reaction to this, so how could the hyuuga see? Perhaps something to do with his byakugan? "Explain?" Gaara said, clearly not understanding.
"Well it's quite simple, you were jealous and so you became easily upset and started seeing things that weren't there." He seemed to think that this was a viable explanation, but Gaara surely knew better, didn't he? "I am not jealous. I do not hold affection for anyone." Which was true, he was a monster that could not love, could not be loved. Instead it was quite clearly a sense of possession – Hinata was his wife, no one else should have her. Although he had told Naruto that she would be able to see people of her will, he now realised he couldn't allow her to do that. It caused him to become possessive and annoyed.
"I think, perhaps, we are alike. Being cut off from emotion for so long can affect the way we see things." Neji continued, "But trust me when I say that you do hold affection for my cousin, possessiveness is a sign of jealousy and affection. Do not hold yourself back from experiencing these feelings, it may be the only chance you have." He said the last part quietly, as if considering his own reasons for the explanation. "I had someone, who told me that she loved me. But I couldn't return those feelings because I was scared." Gaara followed intently, hoping to bring clarity to his own situation. "Scared?" He asked, wanting to know more.
"I was scared of hurting her. Although I know in myself I could never hurt her directly, but the Hyuuga would hurt her. And due to the influence of the Hyuuga, I myself have done terrible, unforgiving things, I didn't deserve her pure emotions."
At this, Shukaku in Gaara's head screamed at him not to listen, but instead, he disregarded the monster and listened with every fibre, seeing the connections to his own emotions. "What will you do?" He asked, trying to figure his own course of action towards the person he was possessive of.
"It's too late for me, I let her go and hurt her in the process. Perhaps not physically, never physically, but she told me that it was my last chance, then she was gone. Don't leave it too long for Hinata, she's patient, but she's hurting, I can see that."
He was right, but Gaara had no idea what to do about it. He couldn't properly identify his feelings, he didn't know how to react, what to say, to keep Hinata within his grasp. Of course he would always have that power as her legal husband, but he never wanted to chain her as her family had. If she ever asked to leave, he would let her.
His head ached, with so much information to take in, he rubbed his temples to dull the feeling and focused on the stars. The sky was beautiful in Suna, it seemed that the stars weren't only reflected in the sky but also on the sand which was scattered on the tops of the buildings, and out into the desert. When Gaara was younger, he used to manipulate the sand to create more glistening stars in the sky, but that was cut short with his own childhood. Now just seeing the sky was enough, brought enough calm, clarity.
"I am… Not good for Hinata." He told Neji, feeling the need to explain himself. "I am a monster, I have done terrible things and I cannot ensure her safety."
At this point he would completely understand if Neji took his cousin's hand's and ran, surely Neji would have heard the rumours, but hearing Gaara say that he might hurt Hinata should be enough clarification to save her from him.
"Would you hurt her?" He asked Gaara, more curiosity in his voice than acceptance.
Honestly not knowing how to answer it, Gaara chose to be silent. He knew that he could not be absolutely sure that he would not hurt Hinata, therefore he should say that he would. However, he didn't want to, and he would do everything he could to protect Hinata from any harm, especially from himself. "If you don't think that you would harm Hinata, I think you're exactly what my cousin needs. Someone to look out for her welfare, and pay attention to her needs and accept her for who she is. All of her life, Hinata has looked for acceptance from her family and she was given nothing but more pressure and scorn. Even I haven't treated Hinata with the respect she deserved all of this time, but I'll try and make up for it. If you think that you would be able to protect her from harm, and especially your own demons, then look after my cousin for me." Neji stood up then, "But, if you don't think that you can take care of her, then I will take her from you and protect her myself." The Hyuuga left Gaara to his own thoughts then, anxiety taking its place once again at the front of his mind, his demon murmuring in the darkness, crowding in on his insecurities. Tonight would be another sleepless one, which was no surprise, but he preferred to reflect on unimportant things instead of these whirling thoughts that consumed him. The monster inside of him would not let him relax tonight, so he shifted into a more comfortable position to watch the stars and think a little more clearly, feeling foolish after his misunderstanding with the other man and his wife, wishing he did not act in such an irrational manner. He was right, Hinata deserved more than his own insecurities rising against her, she had so far been loyal and faithful to their marriage, regardless of the way it began. In all rights she should be finding someone to love and hold through a loveless marriage, but he was glad she did not. He decided then to have more faith in the woman who had stayed loyal despite the fact that he had left her for months without word, she had waited for him. She deserved the same courtesy. He hadn't figured out if he should leave or stay to protect her, but he would start being more of a deserving husband to the small, blue-haired woman that was always in his thoughts- although he didn't know where to start.
And then there was the problem of the Hyuuga, once again meddling with the people he cared about. He would not rest tonight, for sure. At least he knew where there would be silence.
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Hinata woke to her own frantic breaths and twisted sheets, sweat rolling down her face in cold drops- such a contrast to the naturally warm air. Uncurling her hands from the blanket that she had clutched so closely to her chest, she let out a long, shaky breath. It was all a dream – all a nightmare. It rushed back to her in a dark cloud of panic, the screams, the faces of people that had not yet entered the world she lived in today, with hair of blood red and dark blue, eyes a glassy green, a mix between her own eyes and Gaara's. "Mummy!" They had screamed out as the blood formed swirls on their delicate faces, she could feel their pain as she in the past had felt the same. Except these were not adults strengthened in the control of their own pain, but children, pure innocent children who had done no more wrong than being born to a cursed woman. She touched her own forehead and felt the bandage covering her shame, her own mark of inferiority. Never being good enough had caused the scarring, the sneering and scorn that had come from the hands of her own family. This was brought upon by her own naivety, and although she would never wish to become a monster such as them, she wished she could have at least once lived up to their standards. Shakily, she pulled back her covers and put her feet on the floor, feeling the coolness of the dark wooden boards immediately, relishing in the comfort of reality they brought. She walked to the adjoining bathroom and splashed her face with cold water, hitched breath at the shock. The mirror was a reflection of someone she didn't quite recognise, with her long bangs covering not only the bandage but the majority of her eyes, to her nose. Her eyes were still glistened with repressed memories and stared back at her with a haunted look she wished she could forget. Slapping her hands to her face gently, she admonished herself for her weakness, telling herself to be strong, repeating her mantra that she had started each morning since Gaara had left. "I have worth, I am wanted." Sometimes she stumbled over the words, her brain not fully recognising them as the truth, but she persevered, hoping that one day she won't need to repeat the words to believe them.
After her morning routine, she put on a brave face and went to find Gaara, she needed to tell him about the news Neji had brought. Her renewed anger preventing her from feeling the usual awkwardness when talking about intimacy. She knocked on the door to his study, and after waiting for the reply that had not come, she opened it slightly, peering in. She couldn't find her husband anywhere within the tower. Panic started coming, whispering in her head that he had left her again, and that she was a disappointment, she shook her head to clear it, quietening the voice through controlled breaths of air. She had to have more trust in her husband than to assume he left again so soon after returning. She would just wait for him to return. Continuing with her routine of cooking and cleaning, Hinata had spent six hours thinking constantly of how she would bring up her conversation with Gaara. So many different ways entered her head but none of them fully explained how she felt about it. She wondered if Gaara would get upset, livid even at the thought of the Hyuuga taking away his bloodline, or if he would remain stoic and calm. She hoped it was the previous, hoped that he would care as much as she did about the interference of her family, the absolute absurdity of it all. She knew that if the Hyuuga took her children, they would create scars on their foreheads if they didn't live up to the ridiculous, emotionless standards they upheld. If they did live up to their expectations however, Hinata shuddered at the thought. Her mother had always drilled into her the importance of love and kindness, something which is viewed as a failure in the Hyuuga but made Hinata the person she is today. She couldn't bear the thought of any children growing up in such a cold, loveless environment. She still felt sorrow when she thought of her sister, though her sister had remained loving a vibrant she still held the deep bitterness that was schooled into each person that entered the compound. When it started to become dark, wind rattling the small windows in each room, she went to find her husband. She hadn't realized she was holding her breath until she breathed in relief to find Gaara in his study. Standing bent over his desk, red hair illuminated by the soft lamp that rested among papers strewn across the dark wood, he was gorgeous. He wore simple clothes, dark red pants and a straight jacket that fit his form perfectly. How he managed to look so graceful, yet imposing, when simply leaning against something reading a missive in his large hands, she didn't know. But she wished she could look at him forever without his realizing, studying each shadow that landed across his chiselled face, watching each movement.
This was short lived, however, as when he reached the end of his reading he turned and faced her, his glorious form twisting as he straightened to his full height. Suddenly she was racked with anxiety, not sure how she would start the conversation. All of the thoughts that she had had throughout the day suddenly vanished.
"I-I… I n-need to t-talk to you." How would he react? What if he hated her for bringing it up? Would he truly understand the danger? He had seen how she was treated but what if he thought she was the only one? He had never seen the scar on her forehead, he had never seen the true atrocities of the Hyuuga. What if he didn't care about their children, what if he never wanted to have children? What if he thought that the entire act was disgusting or if he thought she was disgusting?
He motioned for her to sit down at one of the lounge chairs but as soon as she did, she couldn't look at him. Her hands were shaking, breathing laboured. How did she start? So many thoughts inside her head but she couldn't say a word.
She snuck a peek through her bangs, but she knew that she couldn't talk with him staring at her with those beautiful turquoise eyes. They seemed so bright, ringed by a dark black line.
"Yes?" He asked, surely wondering what she wanted.
She knew she wouldn't be able to talk with him about it, so she chose instead to talk at him, finding the courage to stop her wandering hands and instead to take a deep breath and start.
"When Neji was here it wasn't just a social visit, instead he told me that the Hyuuga have designs to take any children that we may have in the future into the Hyuuga and train them. But I can't let that happen because the Hyuuga are cruel and I don't know if you want children or you don't want children but if you do I want to know that you won't let them get hurt by the Hyuuga. I know that they may not seem that bad but they will hurt them and ruin them and I can't stand by and watch them do it! So if it comes down to it I will fight to keep any of our children- if we have any- out of the hands of the Hyuuga no matter what you say! But I thought you should know. If you do," Hinata took a huge breath, filling her lungs to the point that they may burst before letting the end of her sentence run out in one, "Want children?".
He seemed unaffected- Hinata's heart fell.