content warning:
in case you couldn't tell from the title lol, mentions of alcohol consumption are made in this chapter.

also I don't believe anything here is triggering, but I did want to point out that this chapter does contain discussion about some real-world issues, namely related to race and sexuality (including details, although nothing graphic or descriptive, about a same-sex relationship being mentioned).

I know that people probably read fic with the intention of forgetting about things happening in our world (after all, why limit ourselves with reality when anything's possible in our imagination, right?), but I thought it would be plausible to write about these discussions while keeping the cast in character and not diverting from the main plot too much.

that being said, please note that my intention isn't to preach, push an agenda, or incite any arguments. the discourse is just that, discourse. at worst please consider it a shitty attempt done on my part to bring more representation into the fandom and spread further awareness about issues faced by certain people in the world.

this chapter was a freaking struggle to write, and I did my best to thoroughly research other people's experiences (and gather feedback from people I actually know) when I couldn't personally relate on a matter. I apologize in advance if you underwent the same issues mentioned here but experienced something very different. if you don't mind writing a review, I would be very open to hearing about your experience too!

Maka smiles triumphantly as she glances at her daily habit tracker. It's been a couple of weeks and she's almost finished her first card. Somehow, despite her lack of faith, the system works.

She chews on the bottom of her pen, thinking about other habits she might want to implement after this one. As she runs over her daily life in her head, it hits her with startling clarity that she's already inadvertently created another habit this entire time: interacting with Soul.

She shakes her head and smiles in disbelief. Yes, they've been talking together almost every day and hanging out regularly for a while now, but she already finds it hard to remember what her life was like before he was in it.

And yet, she knows that all good things must come to an end.

She glances at the clock. 5:10pm. Soon her work day will be finished and she'll leave, just like how one day she'll decide to quit working for Shinigami and will exit the office doors for the very last time. How one day she'll no longer regularly see Tsubaki, or Black Star, or Liz or Patty—

Or Soul.

She frowns. With the others, she's sure she can still meet up with them and catch up occasionally, since after all she only sees them every few days (aside from Tsubaki, whom she sits next to) anyway.

But with Soul, things are different.

Briefly, she wonders what might happen to cause such a thing to occur between them. Will he leave the company first, or will she? Will they disagree over something that just can't be reconciled? Or will they simply drift away from each other, no life-changing event necessary, and lose interest in maintaining their friendship?

She doesn't want to think about it.

"Thanks again for coming." Soul flashes her a grin as he walks up to her. "What did you think of the performance?"

It's a Friday evening and for once, Maka isn't home. Instead, she's at the local bar where Soul has invited her to watch his band perform at an open mic night. She hadn't even known he played in a band until recently, but ever since their conversation at Death's Little Brother, they've been starting to spend more time together outside of work.

Maka likes it.

"It was great!" She smiles back at him and adds playfully, "So when will you be performing Wonderwall for me?"

"Oh please," he guffaws, then gestures for the bartender. As he does, he turns to her and casually asks, "You want anything? It's on me since I asked you to come."

"Sure." She doesn't usually drink alcohol but she can appreciate the occasional cocktail or light beer. "Is this a date then?" She raises an eyebrow.

Soul laughs, but he seems to brush the question off as he avoids her eyes and replies, "It's whatever you want it to be, Maka."

They stay nearby since the focus is still on the other acts on stage, and it's surprisingly quiet around the bar. "Seriously," Maka says after they have a small toast, "you guys are really good. Even though I have no idea what you're doing or how those instruments work, it looks like you guys are super in sync with each other."

"Thanks." Soul grins. "That means a lot considering we only practice like once a month." He takes a huge gulp of his gin and tonic before asking, "Wait, so you never did any music at all growing up, right?"

"No," she answers with a tinge of regret. "I just wasn't interested in learning and my dad never forced me into any lessons." She sighs. "I mean, later on my mom said it would've been nice if I took up piano, and I kind of regret not learning any music-related skills now, but what can you do?" She shrugs and sips at her vodka lemonade.

"Huh," Soul responds with surprise. After a second he says, "You never did mention why you didn't move to Japan with your mom." He turns to face her fully. "Why couldn't she take you with her, especially if you wanted to go with her?"

Maka is quiet for a second, but she covers it up with another sip. "I don't know," she finally says. "Maybe she thought that growing up in America would give me a better life and more opportunities." Her voice rises at the end as if she were asking a question, betraying her lack of confidence in the answer. "Or who knows," she continues more flippantly, "maybe she didn't want me to live with her because I didn't look Japanese enough."

Soul's eyes widen. "You really think that's the real reason, Maka?" he asks, and she realizes just how salty she sounds.

"Why not?" She shrugs, trying to be nonchalant. But she can't help but fix him with a hard stare as she adds, "You know what Japanese people are like, don't you? They hate anything that goes against the norm. You can't stand out or else you get shunned." Looking downwards, she murmurs, "That's why I always used to wish I could look more Asian."

"Really?" Soul says, and he sounds even more surprised than before.

"Yeah. I always wished I had more Japanese genes." Maka lets out a sigh, remembering a lifetime of insecurity steeped in what she identified as versus what other people thought of her. "I loved being in Japan but whenever I visited, I could always feel people looking at me and my white skin, even though I know they were trying to be polite and avert their eyes. And whenever I visited my mom, she would always complain that I didn't have that tiny figure that other Asians did." She looks away, thinking of how the comments only slightly perturb her now but stung much more when she was younger.

"And yet, somehow, I still wanted to stay, because my dad didn't have a clue about anything Japanese, and it pissed me off because it felt like I missed out on so much." She chuckles but it's ironic. "Isn't it funny how that works?"

"You know," Soul says slowly as she takes a long sip, "that's really interesting because I kind of felt the opposite way." Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he continues, "I actually used to hide the fact that I was half-Japanese. To me, it felt like being Asian meant not being… great." It's his turn to sigh and look down. "Growing up where I was from, the Asian guys were always considered uncool, or nerds, or virgin losers at school. All the Asian kids got picked on all the time. And people who didn't realize I was Asian too would tell me a lot of fucked up shit, like how all Asians were ugly and that we're only good for math." With shame in his voice, he finishes, "I didn't want people to think of me like that."

A long silence settles over them as Maka ponders this new perspective. Finally, she nods and softly says, "I understand." She slowly begins to recall some of her own unpleasant experiences that stem from being half-Asian in America: how her teachers pronounced her name during roll call, sometimes wrong and always with uncertainty; her middle school friends, commenting on and laughing at the one time she'd brought in a 'weird' lunch that was just a store-bought bento box; when guys in high school sought her out because of her "exotic" name before asking her on a date.

Soul jumps in from time to time, either with similar stories of his own or signs of empathy – a glance here, a hand on her shoulder there. Then, they deviate to other related topics, from the awkward get-togethers with the different sides of each family, to the privilege they think they have over other Asians thanks to their light skin. Silently, she muses over how she's never been able to talk with anyone about these things before.

She wonders again at how Soul has managed to make his way into her life like this.

Before Maka knows it, they're ordering a second round of drinks – which she's insisted on paying for – and have another toast. "Here's to all the shit we've been through," Soul says, raising his glass up to hers. As she grins in return, she thinks that if all of what she went through helped to lead her closer to him, then maybe she can live with it a little easier.

"So," Maka says casually at the next lull in their conversation, after Soul wraps up a story involving Ana, "how are you feeling about her now?"

He's in the middle of taking a sip from her drink and making a face at the taste, but his expression smooths out by the time she finishes her question. "About Ana?" He pauses, then slowly answers, "I mean, I still think about her from time to time, and it still hurts, but… I think I'm getting over it." He cracks a small smile. "After all, you're right, Maka. Just because someone or something isn't in your life anymore doesn't mean the time you spent with them was a complete waste."

Maka beams at him in return. "That's great to hear!" she says, and the fact that she was able to help Soul out adds to the already warm feeling in her body. She acknowledges that she's pretty tipsy, but she's okay with it.

"Yeah, I guess it is." He smiles at her again and she tells herself to be cool, be cool, be cool. "But what about you?" he asks, taking on the same casual tone she did.

"What about me?" She blinks, confused. Why did Soul care about her opinion of Ana when they'd never even met before?

"You know." Soul glances down at his drink, a second gin and tonic, although this one is somehow purple. Finally, he glances back up at her, almost slyly, and elaborates, "All this time we've been talking about my love life, but what about yours?" Then in a more teasing tone he adds, "Surely such a wise relationship expert has some experience to back it up."

Oh. Maka blushes and hopes that he doesn't notice in the dim light of the venue or, if he does, that she can brush it off as Asian glow. "I'm not an expert!" she protests indignantly to his laughter, then sheepishly asks, "I mean, what do you want to know? There's not much to tell. I've been interested in a few guys before but I've only ever been in one real relationship."

She looks away, slightly embarrassed, but a second later hears Soul's voice. "It's okay, Maka," he says gently. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"No, it's fine." She turns to face him again. "I want to talk about it—" and she realizes it's true. She wants to share this part of herself with Soul. "I just don't know where to start, that's all," she finishes with uncertainty.

"How about you tell me more about the person you were in the relationship with?" he suggests, swirling his drink around. It reminds her of the gesture he made with his coffee cup when they'd went to Death's Little Brother. She wonders if it's a habit of his.

"Okay." She takes a deep breath, then says, "Her name was Tsugumi."

"...Her?" The glass of gin and tonic stops moving. Soul's eyes widen just a fraction of an inch, and the rosy tipsy feeling subsides a little. Maka wonders if she's somehow making a mistake.

"Yes," she clarifies, soldiering on. "I'm bisexual."

For a second, it feels like the whole world around them turns quiet. Maka holds her breath, her deepest darkest secret now exposed to the person she trusts the most. In that infinite moment before his unpredictable reaction, she marvels yet again at how much her relationship with Soul has unexpectedly changed from that negative first-day impression. She scrutinizes his face carefully for any sign of a reaction, watching as the recognition slowly settles into his facial features. As it does she wonders if what she thinks of him will change again tonight, albeit for the worse.

After what feels like an eternity, Soul blinks and quietly says, "Cool." He slowly nods and adds, "That must've taken a lot of courage to say. Thanks for choosing to share with me, Maka." He slightly raises his glass and the relief she feels inside is impalpable.

"Thanks for listening," she responds, finally able to breathe properly again, and accidentally downs almost half of her cocktail. "You're the only person who knows."

"Really, none of your other friends? Not even BlackStar?" he asks, shocked.

She wipes her mouth and shakes her head. "No. It just doesn't really come up in conversation, and I never felt super comfortable actually mentioning it." She shrugs. "I guess people also couldn't tell because we weren't publicly expressive about it at all."

"Do you mind if…" Soul seems to struggle with the next sentence, uncertain with the correct words to use, before finally blurting out, "Do you mind if I ask a few questions?" His entire face is flushed. "Of course you can tell me to shut up if any of them are inappropriate—"

"I know, Soul." She throws her head back in a small laugh, and the tipsy feeling returns about five times stronger. "I know heteronormativity is a thing," she continues, "and I know you're curious. But I trust you."

He's silent, but the grateful look that he gives her says it all – although really, she thinks, she should be the thankful one. Their gazes lock into place, as if their souls are on the same wavelength, and for a moment, it feels like no words need to be exchanged between them, like they can just share a glance and understand exactly what the other is saying.

Then suddenly, in the distance, the crowd surrounding the stage breaks into cheers. Maka blinks, abruptly remembering the setting of the bar that they're in. She wonders what just happened, but the moment goes just as quickly as it comes, and then it's forgotten completely when Soul asks, "So, how did you know that you were also into girls?"

She takes a second to think about the question. "Well," she says slowly, "growing up I always checked other girls out. I always thought I just did it so I knew how to act and what to wear. I didn't know I was attracted to girls." She shrugs. "But I think I was just as open to the thought of kissing a woman as much as a man, and since my dad kind of ruined how I perceived all guys, I even wondered if being in a relationship with a girl would be different." She chuckles. "I didn't think it'd ever happen though – after all, who in their right mind would ever develop feelings for me in that way, especially when I didn't look like the type at all?

"But then Tsugumi came along." Her voice becomes nostalgic and she looks away, again forgetting the bar and the people in it, transported to a different time in her life. "We met in college when we took the same seminar for our literature course. We would spend all our free time together. When she found out I was half, she even tried to teach me more Japanese and let me practise speaking with her." Her voice softens and she smiles. "I thought I just loved her as a best friend, but then I started wondering what it'd be like to kiss her. And when I tried to think of her as a sister, I realized I couldn't." She lets out a small sigh. "And then, just before I could convince myself to fall out of love with her, she confessed to me."

Breaking out of her reverie, she looks back at Soul and sees him staring straight back at her with a familiar yet unknown expression in his eyes. She thinks it might be the same look she saw when she had been telling him about black coffee. Before she can dwell on it longer, he blinks and quietly says, "Wow. How long were you guys together for?"

"Just less than a year," she replies, and even though she still feels tipsy now, the edges of her vision aren't as rosy.

"Was this a while ago?"

"I guess so? We ended it last year." She makes a face. "She kept wanting to spend more and more time together, but I had just started working full-time and was always busy." Her voice gets quieter. "I guess we were just at different stages of our lives."

Soul looks directly at her, but it's not the same as the gaze before or even the glance she's now sure they had exchanged. This time his facial expression fills with something else… definitely not pity, but maybe sympathy? Or even a little bit of tenderness. Whatever it is, it somewhat eases the dull ache in her chest that she hadn't even known was still there. "I'm sorry, Maka," he says sincerely, and she only hopes that she had managed to look at him the same way when he talked about Ana.

"It's okay!" she says, a little too brightly, and takes a large swig of her vodka. "Honestly, I'm over it now. It's probably better for Tsugumi anyway. I've always known that I'm not the right person to be in a relationship with." She realizes she's probably babbling, but man does it feel good to get this all off her chest.

"What do you mean?" Soul asks, and he's back to holding his glass in his hand, swirling his drink – or what's left of it – around and around.

"Well, you know." Maka looks down. "She was really kind and considerate, not just to me but to everyone. She always had a smile on her face and would drop everything to help someone. She even set all her time aside when I asked her to help teach me Japanese."

"She does sound like a nice person," Soul slowly says, almost cautiously. "But what does that have to do with being in a relationship with you?"

"Because that's the exact opposite of me," she says dejectedly, and the ache intensifies. "You know me, Soul. I'm a mess and a half. I couldn't keep myself together back then and I can barely keep myself together now."

"You're not a mess, Maka," Soul says quietly, staring straight at her.

She laughs, bold under the influence of alcohol. "That just means you don't know me well enough yet," she says. Quieter she adds, "Tsugumi knew. And yet, somehow, she was still always there for me."

It feels like the more Maka says her ex-girlfriend's name out loud, the more she can see her in her mind, as if it's a summoning chant. Memories that she thought she'd forgotten and locked up tightly now break free, like Tsugumi kissing her for the very first time, sweet and innocent and followed with a shy yet absolutely joyful smile. Or Tsugumi cheerfully telling her after their third failed language lesson, "It's okay if we just speak English, Maka. No matter how we communicate, I love you just the way you are!" Or Tsugumi stroking her hair and murmuring to her comfortingly as she cried in frustration at her unsatisfactory grades.

"So." Soul's low voice interrupts her thoughts. "If she was always there for you, then why isn't she here today?"

Maka laughs again. "Why do you think?" she retorts bitterly. "Everyone has a breaking point, Soul. And I just wore her down until she reached hers."

She tips her head back and downs the rest of her drink, but as she swallows she realizes she also tastes something familiar – the growing sensation of feeling trapped. As if only talking can save her, she quickly continues, "You know, I always asked her why she liked me so much, and she never could give an answer. All she said was that she wanted to be with me." She laughs bitterly as the truth tumbles out from her lips. "And I couldn't even give her that because my head was stuck too far up my own ass. Can you imagine, Soul?"

He doesn't answer. Instead, her mental video reel heeds that last question as a command and begins queueing up more memories, one by one. In her mind, she hears Tsugumi's voice on the phone, easily excited by an event that she wants to bring Maka to, and then quietly disappointed when she asks if they can celebrate another time. She sees Tsugumi's messages, peppered with emojis and cute stickers, telling her she missed her and asking when she'll be coming home. She recalls Tsugumi's frown when she'd told her they couldn't go out on Friday night after all, because she had to work overtime – and how that frown deepened with every subsequent Friday they stayed in. And finally, she remembers the voicemail of Tsugumi asking her to please come home, come home soon , because inevitably something bad had happened, and she'd finally needed someone, too.

But where is home? Maka feels lost again, turned around, unable to find her way out of the ship that is her sinking self-esteem. She had tried so hard, and was doing so well, and yet now she's been dropped back in the middle of the woods again. Her latest escape turned out to be just another failed attempt, and she wants to cry and scream.

And then she hears more than sees the light showing her the way out, when Soul speaks.

"I don't have to imagine anything," he says point blank, "because your head's stuck too far up your own ass right now." She snaps out of her reverie and realizes that he's getting up from his seat and is now walking towards her.

"I don't know what Tsugumi was like, or what you were like when you were with her." He's now standing right next to her, his eyes on the band currently on stage, but his voice is clear and she knows he's talking directly to her. "All I have to go off of is who I know you as right now. And the Maka that I know isn't a mess." He gives a shrug. "Sure, she's not perfect. She's got some things she needs to work on and some habits she should probably change. But she is nice. Trustworthy. Reliable. Helpful to the people around her, sometimes at her own expense." Finally he looks at her. "And she's working on it, even if all she can see are her faults. But—" he takes a breath "—everyone's got something they can improve, right? And isn't doing something the best way to get better at it?"

Maka doesn't answer right away. She meets Soul's eyes and even though his face looks largely blank, she can tell that this really matters to him and that he's worried. She blinks and then realizes why – she's tearing up.

"I'm sorry," he hurriedly says, voice wracked with guilt and starting to panic as her tears start to overflow unwillingly. "Did I say something wrong? Was I too much of a jerk?" And then, almost as if he doesn't know what else to do, he asks, "Do you want a hug?"

She almost laughs at his idea of a solution, but in actuality, he doesn't need to say it twice. She's practically in his arms before he's finished his sentence, letting his shirt hide her tears and the background noises of the bar cover up her sobs. And as she loses herself in the light smell of sandalwood, hearing the heavy thump thump of his heart beating against his ribcage, she's reminded of their very first dinner and how even back then, it felt like Soul was knocking on the door to her heart.

She thinks that, maybe, she should finally let him in.

endnotes:

just a few casual comments: i can't express how sHOOK i am to see that no one else has written about Maka and Tsugumi together? i'm also kinda shocked that i've never seen a fic of Maka being bi/lesbian considering the "all men are cheaters" canon ... if you have any good suggestions to read, please let me know!

also, i originally started writing about the hapas issue because i learned that Maka is canonically half-Japanese. honestly i just wanted more asian representation in the fandom period - not necessarily with the characters (because most of them are clearly Japanese), but more with subtle traits like the food they eat, the places they visit, their mannerisms, etc. but it felt wrong to just mention "Soul and Maka are half-Japanese!" in passing in ch2 so i looked more into it ... and realized that hapas people deal with a lot more shit than i originally thought. i really hope i managed to portray at least a bit of the hapa struggle adequately in this fic.

finally, i acknowledge that so much more could've been done with the tsugumi/maka pairing. i'm sad that i didn't get to fully explore the LGBT asian struggle in this fic, but hopefully i can do so in a future story!

thanks again for reading so far, and i hope you enjoy the last chapter!