Chapter 4 - I Suppose This Cannot Be Too Bad
"Ready Dee?" Kevin asked after Edd answered the door. Kevin had come over to help him carry his things over to his house. Edd had gifts, food, and his overnight bag and couldn't possibly carry it all in one trip himself.
"I am, Kevin. If you would grab my overnight bag and the dish there on the table, I can carry the gifts," Edd answered.
"What did you make?" Kevin asked curiously as he situated the small bag over his shoulder and picked up the covered plate.
"A chocolate tart. I thought it would go nicely with your mother's ham dinner."
"Chocolate goes well with anything," Kevin said, his mouth already watering. He tried to peek under the cover, but Edd caught him and gave him a look.
"Leave it alone, Kevin. You will get to enjoy it soon enough," he chided.
The pair left Edd's house and crossed the street to Kevin's. Edd was a little nervous. He would be meeting more of Kevin's family, and even though Kevin said his maternal grandmother was excited about their relationship, it still was a bit of a strain on his nerves. She might like the idea of Kevin having a boyfriend, but what if she didn't personally like him?
The warmth in Kevin's house was welcome after the brief, but chilly walk across the street. Add to that the delicious and spicy smell in the house. The rich smell of ham in the oven, the spicy smell of cinnamon and allspice, the pine smell of the Christmas tree - it all served to give Edd a feeling of comfort.
He found himself looking forward to this Christmas more than any other he had before. Not that his parents completely ignored it, but this was the first time he was truly participating in the traditions and he found that he enjoyed it. The Barr's themselves were also not very religious, but they had many traditions that meant a lot to the three of them, so they maintained them and Edd was excited to be included.
Edd had used his household budget to purchase small gifts for Kevin's family – things that Kevin had suggested when they went shopping one weekend with the Eds, Nazz and Rolf. He had also obtained a gift for Kevin out of his own allowance that he hoped Kevin would like. The presents were all wrapped and in the bag that Edd carried. He set that down to hang his coat on the hook in the foyer and take off his shoes. Kevin waited for him to finish so that he could hand Edd the dish so he could take off his own outdoor garments.
"Let's get this in the kitchen," Kevin suggested, but before either boy could move, a loud voice from the living room called out.
"Kevin? Did you finally bring that boyfriend home?"
Edd looked at Kevin with wide eyes as Kevin laughed. "Yeah Nana! He's here!"
"Well bring him in here so I can get a look at him!"
Kevin leaned down to brush a kiss on Edd's forehead. "It'll be ok," he assured him. Edd just nodded and followed Kevin into the living room, though inside his stomach was churning with anxiety.
Nana Schmidt sat perched on the couch, sitting with a regalness that startled Edd. He knew from Kevin that she was a formidable woman with a strong personality. Kevin especially liked her because she was outspoken, loud, funny, and unafraid of speaking her mind. She wasn't cruel, he told Edd, just opinionated. She drank probably a little too much (she preferred Irish whiskey), swore a lot, had a wickedly dirty sense of humor, and lived life to the fullest. She had a rough time after her husband left her to raise their two daughters as a single mother, but she had succeeded and now felt it her turn to have fun out of life.
Edd darted his eyes to the rest of the room. A teenaged girl was sitting in the chair usually occupied by Pete, staring at her phone, and Edd knew this was Marissa, Kevin's cousin. Another woman sat in the other chair and Edd assumed this was Aunt Kathy. Pete himself was on the opposite end of the couch from the grandmother. Aunt Kathy and Sylvie could easily pass as twins, and both of them were very similar in looks and coloring to their mother. Marissa, however, looked nothing like Aunt Kathy, and Edd surmised she must take after her father.
Marissa looked up from her phone curiously as Kevin and Edd entered. Aunt Kathy merely smiled at both of the boys, but Kevin's grandmother subjected Edd to a sharp and appraising stare. She was tiny – tinier than Edd could imagine. The way Kevin had described her had made her huge in his mind.
"Nana, Aunt Kathy, Marissa," Kevin said, "This is Edd Vincent. Edd, Nana Schmidt, Aunt Kathy and Marissa."
Edd murmured a faint, "Greetings. It is nice to meet you." His fingers clutched the pan holding the tart he had made. He wished he had thought to put it down before coming into the room. He felt foolish as he stood there holding the dessert as Aunt Kathy and Marissa returned his greetings.
Pete must have noticed as he jumped up then, crossed the room, and relieved Edd of the dish. "I'll put this in the kitchen," he said. He winked at Edd then disappeared.
"Well, come over here and let me get a good look at you," Kevin's grandmother demanded.
Edd shrunk in on himself inside and glanced at Kevin, who was just smiling at him. His boyfriend nudged him a little and Edd had to catch himself from stumbling. He nervously approached the young-looking grandmother seated on the couch.
"There's not much to him, Kevin," she stated, tilting her head. Her hair was still bright red, the same shade as Kevin's, though Kevin had told him his grandmother dyed it to her original color.
"It's enough for me, Nana," Kevin answered cheekily.
The woman humphed to herself, then patted the seat next to her. "Sit here and talk to me. I want to get to know you."
Edd wouldn't have dreamed of disobeying and soon found himself perched on the edge of the couch next to her, his hands shoved under his thighs as he rigidly held himself as still as possible.
"He's a nervous one too," she said, getting a snort from Marissa.
"Be nice to him, Nana. You're scaring him," the girl said before turning her attention back to her phone.
"Me?" the grandmother asked with surprise.
"Yeah, you Nana," Kevin agreed.
That earned a glare from the woman toward Kevin. "You, scoot off to the kitchen to help your mother. No!" she said when Kevin opened his mouth to object. "I'm going to talk to this boy and you don't need to listen in and coddle him. Get out!"
Kevin meekly turned and left the room, much to Edd's alarm. It took everything in him to stay on the couch and not run after his boyfriend. He glanced at Aunt Kathy and Marissa. Aunt Kathy wore a polite, but warm, smile. Edd noticed that Marissa appeared to be staring at her phone, but her eyes peeked over the device enough so that she could see the pair on the couch.
"So, you're the boyfriend," Nana Schmidt stated more than questioned.
"I am," Edd answered a little unsure, though he strove to keep his voice steady.
"Tell me about yourself."
Edd thought about the request. He wasn't sure what she wanted. "What would you like to know?"
"Kevin said you're a genius."
Edd almost rolled his eyes, but stopped himself, though he could see she caught that by the little grin that popped onto her face. "Kevin says that a lot. I admit that I am intelligent to a certain degree."
"He said you were the smartest in the school."
"It is true that I am at the top of our class," Edd admitted, reaching one hand across himself to rub nervously on the other forearm.
"What do you plan to do with those big brains?"
"I plan to pursue a career in Astrophysics," he replied, easing a little at the introduction of his favorite subject. At least he knew he could talk for hours about that. "My hope is to become a professor at a university that allows me the opportunity to also do my own research and to publish my findings."
That did seem to impress her. He felt a small jolt of satisfaction at that. "So an astronomer? You want to go to space?"
He chuckled a little, though it was a high-pitched nervous laugh. "Not particularly. I enjoy studying space and have since I was a child. It would be nice to space travel, but I do not think it a possibility in my lifetime. At least not sustained travel. I enjoy teaching others, which is one reason why I like to tutor fellow students. I want to share my love of Astrophysics by teaching it."
"Where do you plan to go to school?"
"My top choices are Harvard, Yale, Columbia and Maryland. I have ruled out Stanford, as it is too far away from home for me."
She just hummed to herself and nodded. He waited for another question, but she just looked at him, so he added, "I am unsure as to what Kevin has already told you about me. I am not sure what else I should say." He regretted his exasperated tone immediately.
"Tell me that you don't plan on breaking my grandson's heart, young man," she said sternly with a frown for him.
Edd's mouth dropped open in shock. The idea that he would deliberately hurt Kevin…HIS Kevin…was so absurd that he spluttered out, "What? W-w-w-why would you ask that?"
"I have to protect him," she said stubbornly. "I don't need some fickle boy picking him up and stringing him along only to dump him when it's convenient."
His shock wore off, replaced quickly by a shot of anger. How could this woman suggest such a thing? She made it sound like Edd was a horrible person, a player-type, which was, of course, furthest from the truth. He cared about Kevin too much to ever want to hurt him. Didn't he love Kevin? Then he gasped at that thought. "I am not fickle!" he nearly cried, more stunned that he thought the 'L' word than by the suggestion that he was the kind of person who would play with someone's emotions. "I would never do that to Kevin. I care about him too much!"
She stared a moment at him before she burst out laughing. Edd looked confusedly at Kevin's aunt, who was hiding a smile behind her hand, and then at Marissa, who was shaking her head. "I like this boy, Kath. Seems timid, but there's a spine there."
"Stop being mean, Mom. He's a nice kid and you're trying to terrorize him."
"Well I knew that Pete didn't play the part of protective Dad, so someone had to."
Edd stared at Kevin's grandmother with a frown. Was she making fun of him? "I am sorry," he said, mustering as much dignity as he could. "I do not understand the kind of game you are playing, but I do not appreciate it."
"Dee!"
Kevin's voice startled him and he darted his glance to his boyfriend, who stood at the entrance to the living room staring at him in shock. Kevin had never seen Edd be rude to anyone. His boyfriend was a mild and passive person who didn't like confrontation.
"I am sorry, Kevin," he apologized quickly as he stood up. "I was, however, provoked."
"What's going on?"
"Nana was giving your boyfriend the third degree. And," Marissa added with emphasis, "she was being rude." His grandmother sniffed at that. "You were, Nana, admit it."
"I was merely trying to talk to him."
"Kevin," his Aunt said in an amused tone, "don't worry. Mom was giving him a little bit of a hard time. Edd had every right to speak up to her."
"What did you do, Nana?" Kevin asked, crossing the room to stand in front of his grandmother.
"Do?" Nana asked, a picture of innocence.
Kevin's hands perched on his hips as he stared down at his grandmother. Edd felt uneasy, though now that he looked even closer at Kevin, he saw an amused sparkle in his green eyes. "So help me, Nana, if you scare him away…"
"I'm just a harmless little old lady!" she protested, which got matching snorts from Marissa and Aunt Kathy.
"Don't pay any attention to her Dee. She's all bark and no bite. She thinks she's intimidating, but she's not."
"I'll have you know that I'm very intimidating."
Kevin then laughed, leaned down, and planted a kiss on his tiny grandmother's head. "Play nice, Nana," he chided her.
Nana batted at him, then leaned over a bit to look at Edd, who was watching with a confused and anxious look. "Come back over here, young man, and we can have a proper chat. I promise I won't tease anymore. Kevin, Syl, and Pete have all told me what a sweet-natured boy you are, so I have no real worries about you."
Edd didn't want to return to the spot next to her, but Kevin held out his hand to him, so he relented. Kevin sat with him this time, muttering to Nana Schmidt that he wasn't about to leave Edd alone with her again, much to her amusement. Nana was true to her word though, and was much more pleasant to Edd than she had been. Edd's anxiety lessened a great deal as the older lady drew him into a spirited conversation about astronomy. It was the perfect topic to talk to him about, as he never grew tired of it.
Aunt Kathy and Marissa were mostly quiet. Marissa's attention was on her phone as any fourteen year old's would be. Aunt Kathy, while she looked similar to Sylvie, had a very different personality. Soft-spoken with a breathy voice and easy-going nature. Edd could tell he would like her very much. She was incredibly friendly to Edd when she spoke to him.
Nana Schmidt, however, took some getting used to. She reminded Edd of Eddy in a way. The same sort of aggressive attitude, though with a sly wickedness that Eddy couldn't hope to ever master. Edd could see why Kevin loved this little spitfire of an old woman.
Sylvie called Kevin and Edd to help her in the kitchen with the last-minute preparations, while Marissa was tasked with setting the table – which of course garnered an exasperated eyeroll from the young teenager.
"What do you think of Nana?" Kevin asked, his tone filled with amusement as he mashed the potatoes for his mother.
Edd's eyes dashed nervously to Sylvie, who gave him a little wink. He was arranging the store-bought rolls on a tray. "I do not know, Kevin. I am afraid I have made a bad impression on her."
"No you didn't," he told Edd. "She likes to bully people a little. I can't even imagine how she's gonna treat any boy that Marissa brings home. At least she lives a few hours away from us, Dee. Marissa has to put up with her in the house."
"Be nice, Kevin," Sylvie scolded him, though Edd could hear the humor in her tone. "Don't think that Mom doesn't like you, Edd," she added to reassure him. "Mom shows her affection in strange ways. If she talked to you at all, she likes you. She'd ignore you if she didn't."
Dinner went better than Edd thought it would. Pete seemed to be more of a fun target for the playful barbs and teasing remarks than Edd, and Edd thought that this was probably something that had gone on since Sylvie first brought Pete home. Pete, to be sure, took his mother-in-law's comments with good humor. With the ability to watch her instead of being interrogated by her, Edd was able to read her enough to understand that she showed her affection with teasing. It made him feel better to see her treat Pete the same way she had treated him, because he thought that perhaps she did like him after all.
The meal turned out delicious. Sylvie didn't often have time to cook, but when she did she worked magic in the kitchen. It was one of the things that she and Edd had in common and it was something that brought them together, though she was more than happy to let Edd and Kevin make dinner when they did.
"You did a good job as always, Sylvie," Nana Schmidt said, wiping her lips with her napkin in a delicate motion. She looked at Edd and said, "I don't know where she gets it. I can't cook worth a damn. I never could. Lord knows her father couldn't either."
"I got bored with soup from a can from you every night, Mom, so I just started cooking on my own," Sylvie said teasingly, passing the potatoes to Edd and urging him to have more.
Nana snorted. "Good thing you did. It's what nabbed this character," she said, jerking her thumb toward Pete.
"Oh, there was more to it than just a good meal," Pete said, giving a little suggestive leer to Sylvie. "She looked nice in those tight jeans she used to wear."
"Pete!" Sylvie cried, her cheeks turning pink.
"Ugh, Dad! Gross!" Kevin interjected
"See how I can still get her to blush, Edd?" Pete asked him.
Edd tried to hide his laughter behind his hand without much success. Sylvie shot him a mock-betrayed look while Kevin and the rest of his family outright laughed. He was becoming used to this playful teasing and suggestive banter of Kevin's parents, and saw that at least Sylvie got it from her mother. Kevin's parents still flirted with each other, even after almost twenty years of marriage, which Edd thought was sweet. His parents surely were never like this, so it had been a slight shock to his system, but he found that he loved to watch Pete and Sylvie interact with each other.
"I have a feeling this one blushes a lot too," Nana said, pointing her fork toward Edd.
"He does, Nana. It's easy to get him to," Kevin affirmed.
True to Kevin's word, with the attention focused now on him, Edd felt his cheeks heat up, which made Nana laugh. He understood her enough now, he thought, that he felt she wasn't exactly laughing at him, however.
"You didn't even have to say anything to him, Kevin," she said. "I am impressed."
Clean up after dinner went fast, as everyone but Nana pitched in to clear the table and clean the kitchen. Edd's dessert earned him high praise from the family, enough to get Nana to congratulate Kevin for finding such a good cook to hook up with. "You'll never go hungry, but he might fatten you up a little with things like this."
"No worries, Nana. Edd cooks a lot of healthy stuff too. Though I do have to add a few laps to my runs every day now."
"I shall stop making sweets, Kevin," Edd said anxiously as he dried the roast pan with a clean towel.
"Don't ever do that, Dee. Please, don't ever do that."
The cleared dining table was soon set up for games. Kevin had told Edd that they always did this on Christmas Eve, though it usually was just Kevin and his parents. They began with Pictionary and split up into two teams. Nana paired with her grandkids and Edd, while Aunt Kathy, Pete and Sylvie formed the other team. It was a lot of fun for Edd, in spite of the fact that he couldn't draw very well at all, especially under pressure. His team won, though no one ever guessed his attempts. Marissa turned out to be an excellent artist able to convey a concept with few lines on the paper.
They next played, at Nana Schmidt's insistence, Cards Against Humanity. Edd had heard of the game, but had never played it, and Kevin actually worried that his little boyfriend would hate it. Edd didn't swear or say anything inappropriate, and that was the point of the entire game. Nana insisted that all cards be read aloud and Kevin wondered if Edd would be able to handle some of the more colorful language and phrases in the card deck.
To Kevin's surprise, Edd laughed harder than anyone at the game. Oh he blushed alright, the first time he looked at the cards dealt to him. He glanced at Kevin anxiously.
"Am I really supposed to use these?" he whispered.
Kevin chuckled and nodded. "You bet, Dee."
When it was Edd's turn to read the black card, he paled at first, then blushed. "'Why am I sticky?'" he asked. "Oh dear."
The family all laughed, glanced at the cards in their hands, and took their time selecting the ones for Edd. "Remember, young man, you have to read the cards," Nana challenged him.
"What if there are curse words on the cards?" Edd asked with a frown.
"Just read them, Dee. No one will think less of you, and I'd kind of like to hear you say something bad," Kevin teased, which just earned him a withering look from Edd.
Edd shuffled all the white cards handed to him and took a deep breath. "Alright. I suppose this cannot be too bad," he said with a hint of resignation. He knew it could be bad; he had already seen the kinds of cards already played.
"A sad handjob." Edd felt his cheeks flare up to extreme red.
"Awesome pictures of planets and stuff."
"Fisting," he gasped that one out in barely an audible voice. "Oh dear."
"One of those 'blow jobs' I've been hearing so much about." This game would kill him.
"My boyfriend's stupid penis." ("Hey!" from Kevin.)
"Chris Hemsworth."
The rest of the players were laughing hysterically as they listened to Edd read off the cards, much to his embarrassment. He felt as if he'd be able to cook something on his cheeks as they were burning so much.
"What's your choice, Dee?" Kevin asked between laughs. "Got some good ones there, except for the boyfriend one, of course."
Edd glanced at him and it surprised Kevin to see the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. He figured Edd would hate this game, but it appeared that in spite of the vulgarity, Edd got a kick out of it.
"I do not know, Kevin. Perhaps that is the correct choice?" Edd teased. "However someone here must know me well enough to know what would, as the card says, cause me to become sticky." He held up the Chris Hemsworth card.
"I knew it!" Sylvie said, doing a little victory shimmy in her chair.
"And here I was being nice to you giving you the planets card," Kevin grumped as he reached for a black card for his turn while everyone else drew new white cards. "Alright. This is a two-part question," he said, then read off the card, "'Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits *blank* against *blank*'."
In order not to see the cards laid out on the table for him to read, Kevin left the dining room to hunt out some cookies from the kitchen. When he returned, he read the white cards left for him.
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'a greased-up Matthew McConaughy' against 'three dicks at the same time'."
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'German dungeon porn' against 'my sex dungeon'."
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'not wearing pants' against 'assless chaps'." He paused. "Ok that's funny. Not dirty, but funny!"
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'the amount of gay I am' against 'praying the gay away'." He laughed and looked around. "Are you guys serious?"
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'the gays' against 'Albert Einstein but if he had huge muscles and a rhinoceros cock'. Oh my god."
"Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits 'Men' against 'A homoerotic volleyball montage." He kept his eyes on the cards. "Did most of you honestly just give me gay cards?" Without waiting for an answer, or even expecting one, he picked up the pair about the amount of gay against praying it away. "This made me laugh the most."
Nana held up her hand. "Hah! I knew that would get it!"
Kevin handed Nana the black card to keep score, then glanced at his laughing boyfriend. He had to know. "Which pair was yours Dee?"
"The Albert Einstein one, of course."
Edd found, in spite of his flaming cheeks, which would not go away for the entire time they played the game, that it was quite fun. He suspected that everyone kept giving him the dirtiest cards to read just to see how he would handle it. He said words that he never thought he would ever say, but it was all in good fun and Nana ended up winning, which was a surprise to no one.
They finished the night in the living room. Pete had lit a fire and the lights were blazing throughout the house. Plates of cookies, a platter of cheese and crackers, and dishes of candy were all handy to satiate any cravings, though they were still full from dinner. They were all drowsy, curled up in their various places - Nana on her spot on the couch, along with Pete and Sylvie who cuddled together under a blanket next to her. Aunt Kathy and Marissa in the chairs, and Kevin and Edd curled up in front of the fire. Pete had put the television on to the looped airing of "A Christmas Story" - a movie Edd had always loved.
However, in spite of the movie, all of them continually dozed off, only to wake with a small start. Yet none of them felt the urge to go to bed, so they stayed like this almost until midnight when Sylvie finally roused enough to maneuver herself off the couch, standing with a big yawn and large stretch.
"Alright, little kids," she said, glancing at Kevin, Edd, and Marissa. "You should all be in bed or Santa will skip this house. I think I heard his sleigh bells over at the Hill's house."
"Do you know where my bag is, Kevin?" Edd asked as they got up.
"Yeah, I put it in the media room."
"Ah, thank you. I do appreciate it."
"No problem, Dee. C'mon, let's get downstairs before Santa comes," he said in an amused voice, mimicking his mother.
"Let's?" Edd asked, staring at him at the entrance to the living room.
"Yeah, we're bunking down there together."
A/N: Cards Against Humanity is the funnest game. Completely offensive, but when you play with the right people...awesome. But yeah, I imagine that Edd would be mortified by the game, though still have fun. I head canon him having a pretty wicked sense of humor (he is friends with Eddy after all) and that humor will reveal itself to Kevin over time.
Nana Schmidt is modeled after my maternal grandmother. She was a wild woman, but a lot of fun.