content warning:
lots of explicit swearing

For once, Maka thinks she's relatively happy in her life.

She completes her first habit tracking card, hangs it up at her cubicle proudly, and starts a second one on exercising regularly. She rarely feels a need or urge to stay at the office after 4:30pm when coming in at 8 in the morning. Despite this, she somehow feels like she's thriving in her work, and when Marie commends her on her performance during their regular one-to-ones, she believes her.

She continues to go out frequently with her coworkers. Marie hires someone new on their team, a young intern named Chrona, and before Maka knows it she's practically a mentor and she vows not to let them fall into the same career traps that she did.

And of course, she still hangs out with Soul regularly – perhaps not so much in the office now, but they make up for it outside of work hours. She still enjoys his company very much, even if they're just sitting together silently. The space between them is closer than ever, and she promises herself that no matter what, that's the one thing she won't risk ruining.

But some things, she realizes, aren't up to her, and there's nothing she can do about it.

One day, working together in Deathbucks, Soul asks her, "Did you see that email from HR? About our vacation days?"

"Yeah, we have to use them up by June or something – weird policy," she responds distractedly, eyes focused on her screen as she scribbles in her notebook. She thinks her pen is almost out of ink. "What about it? Are you going to take yours soon?"

"Yeah," he says. "But I was also wondering what happens if someone needs more days."

She presses her pen a little harder into the page, wishing she had brought a spare. "You should ask Liz, she'll know for sure." Jokingly she asks, "Why, are you gonna go on a long vacation to the moon or something? Have you finally had enough of us?"

"Actually—" Soul takes a deep breath "—I might be leaving soon for good."

That does it. She stops writing and looks at him. "What?" she asks in disbelief. "But you've been working here for less than a year."

"I know," he says, and she realizes that he's nervous, sitting up straight and tapping his fingers rapidly against the table, as if it's a piano. "Please don't tell anyone at work. But it's because Wes wants me to help with his own startup. He asked if I wanted to be a co-founder."

"Oh." She's sad that they won't get to work together anymore, but happy for him having this opportunity. "But that's great, right?" she asks. "Unless you don't want to be a co-founder?" Death City's tech industry is small but growing, and while establishing a business anywhere is difficult, she knows that here at the very least there are people and resources to help with the process.

"I'm not sure yet," he admits. "That's what I was thinking of using my vacation days on. To go visit him in San Francisco for a bit – see what it's like."

"San Francisco?" She blinks.

"Yeah." For once, he looks exasperated. "That's where the company is based." And then, as if to add insult to injury, he adds, "That's where I'll have to move if I accept his offer."

"Oh," she says flatly, unsure of how to respond. Finally, she asks, "Do you think you will?"

"I don't know." It's the first time in the conversation that he sounds certain. "I mean, Cali seems nice. I can afford to move, since I don't have any major life responsibilities. And I probably should help him out, considering he's my brother and stuff." Then, like a punch in the gut, he adds, "Now that I'm done with school here, there's not much tying me to Nevada. So why not?"

Maka hears something clatter to the floor. As she glances down she realizes that, some time during their conversation, she had subconsciously let go of her pen and it had fallen to the ground. She doesn't make a move to pick it up, still processing what Soul has said.

She thinks the same thing has happened to her heart, except she hadn't known that Soul was holding it so high up, and now she doesn't know how to pick up the pieces.

Soul takes his two-week vacation a couple of days later. He jokingly tells Maka not to forget about him, and that even if he's too busy to call her, he'll buy her a souvenir. She halfheartedly responds by telling him to not come back.

All joking aside, Soul's absence makes Maka realize just how much he's a part of her life. The office just isn't the same without him. Even if they had stopped spending so much time together at work, he was always just a message away, and she still had their evening hangouts to look forward to. Sure, work is work, but he made it fun for her.

At first, she commits herself to enjoying her time at home alone, and she does. By the third evening, however, she feels a sort of restlessness as she finds herself browsing average flight prices and times between SFO and Death City. She thinks one part of it stems from the desire to spend time with Soul before she can't for good, while the other part comes from the frustration of not being able to because, in a sense, he's already gone.

Either way, she has to admit that she misses him.

Soul sends her intermittent updates. In between photos of new foods and various places, he also tells her about the operations of Wes' company. "It seems really promising," he says in one message. "Things are so different from Death City's tech."

She responds encouragingly, but deep down inside she wishes she could tell him to come home, even if it's not her place to, and even if his home seems to have changed.

Partway through the second week, she's intercepted by BlackStar. "Yoooo, Mak," he tells her as she's walking back from the kitchen after lunch. "Coffee? Deathbucks? Bro time? Let's go."

Her first response is to automatically say she's busy, but in all honesty she kind of wants a break, and it's been a while since she's really talked with BlackStar. "Fine," she says.

She doesn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

"Sooooooo," BlackStar says even before they've fully sat down. The cafe is oddly empty for the time of day. "What's the sitch?"

"The what?" Maka furrows her eyebrows. "English, please."

"The situation," BlackStar emphasizes. "You know, between you and Soul. Are you gonna break a man's heart and force me to say bye to two close bros instead of one?"

She regrets this already. "What are you talking about," she responds monotonously. She thinks she unfortunately knows where this is going, but maybe if she just plays dumb he'll drop it. "There is no 'sitch' between us."

BlackStar lets out a laugh. "That's fake news, Mak. I'm talking about when he leaves!" His voice is too loud. "And you following him!" Way too freaking loud, indeed.

"Shut up!" she hisses. Thankfully, the barista seems too focused on her phone and the other patrons appear to have either headphones on or a very good sense for ignoring bullshit. "How do you know about that?" she whispers incredulously. Then, before he can get any stupider ideas, she clarifies, "About him leaving, not me following him! Why would I do that?!"

"Oh, Soul told me the news himself." BlackStar blinks and sips at his tea almost innocently. "I ain't his closest bro in the office for nothing, bruh. And therefore, it's also reasonable to assume you're gonna follow him 'cause y'all far surpassed the status of 'work spouse' a while ago."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean." Maka automatically readies her fist to punch him square in the face.

"Oh, please." She can tell he's enjoying this. "It's pretty obvious that you're really into him."

She sighs defeatedly, suddenly remembering that underneath BlackStar's dumb goofy exterior is a man with infinite attention to the little details. Of course she wouldn't be able to beat the master of bullshit at his own game. "Okay fine, you got me," she responds testily, crossing her arms and slumping down into her seat. "So what if I am? Even if I like him in that way, he's leaving soon and that's that. And I'm not about to uproot my whole life just for a relationship that might not even work out," she points out.

"You know what, you're right," he agrees, to her slight surprise. "But if he didn't leave at all it's not like you would say anything either, right?"

"Of course I wouldn't!" Maka says fiercely. "Who do you think I am, BlackStar? I'm not about to ruin someone's career, or mine, just because of some feelings," she almost sneers.

"You wouldn't," BlackStar says carefully.

"Oh, yeah? How are you so sure about that?" she asks challengingly.

"Just trust me," he replies plainly, and she only blinks at what he's saying. "No one really cares about that stuff, unless you're showing major PDA. That, or if you're dating someone that you manage or that manages you. Because then it's probably a good idea for HR to know."

She's slightly concerned with how much he seems to know about this topic, but before she can probe any further, he speaks again. "Anyway, don't worry so much about what other people might think when it comes to your happiness. Regardless of whether Soul leaves or not, I think you should let him know. It'd probably be good for you too, Maka." He gives her a look, and she knows he's serious, especially when he uses her real name.

"But what's the point?" She sighs. "It's just a lose-lose situation. What if that just makes things awkward? Or worse, what if he likes me back?!"

"Fam, you gotta chill." BlackStar deadpans. "First of all, Soul's an adult; if he doesn't like you back that way, he's not gonna be a little bitch about it. And if he is, then boo-fucking-hoo, he deserves to feel awkward about it." She almost laughs out loud. "And secondly, you gotta tell me what's going on through that head of yours, because how the fuck is him liking you back worse than him friendzoning you?"

She's silent for a second. "You don't understand, BlackStar," she finally says quietly. "I'm not the type of person anyone should be in a relationship with." Yes, she had improved herself a lot lately, but not to that extent. "And I don't want to hurt Soul, or lose him. That's all," she finishes.

"Oh my shit," BlackStar mutters as if to himself. "Do you consider yourself abusive?" he asks.

"Excuse me?" she asks, stunned. HR or not be damned, she's seriously about to fight him right here and right now.

"I'm being serious." He asks again, "Do you think you're an abusive person?"

"No!" she says indignantly.

"Are you a psychopath?"

"What the—no!"

"Do you have narcissistic personality disorder?"

"I don't think so?" Finally she asks, "What's your fucking point?"

"Then my point," BlackStar answers clearly, "is that it sounds like you're a completely fine person for anyone to be in a relationship with." She balks but he continues, "You're not giving yourself enough credit, Mak. I know you don't want to hurt anyone and that's real nice and ambitious of you, but the truth is that's an inevitable part of being in a relationship, with anybody.

"And I'm not saying that you should go out of your way to antagonize others," he adds, "because that's just straight up being a douchebag. But people are gonna get hurt sometimes no matter what. And if you wait for yourself to reach this magical state of perfection where conflict never happens, then you'll never be in a relationship."

He takes a sip of his drink. "And that's the tea, sis."

Maka is too shocked to formulate a response right away. Finally, she simply asks, "How the heck do you know so much about this shit?"

BlackStar cackles. "Just because I'm a coding god doesn't mean I don't have feelings for Tsubaki," he points out cheerily, standing up as her mouth drops to the floor. "Anyway, I've gotta run now, Mak. But let me know what you decide to do, alright?" He leaves.

Maka remains at the table alone for a while, her coffee long gone cold. She moves her cup around and around, lost in her thoughts, watching the liquid swirl in its familiar circular motion. When she finally realizes what she's doing, she can't help but smile.

She knows exactly what she has to do now.

On Sunday, Maka makes her way to Death's Little Brother with the sense that, by the end of the day, things will change drastically regardless of what happens between her and Soul. She already sees hints of it in the warm weather coming with the spring. Even when she arrives, the cafe has a completely different atmosphere from her last visit, thanks to the light of the afternoon sun.

She finds Soul at a booth this time, headphones in and listening to music. She's slightly afraid that things will be awkward between them at first, but as soon as she sees him the worry disappears. "Welcome back," she says with a smile, sliding into the seat as he takes his headphones out.

"Thanks, it's good to be back." He grins, then adds, "I got you your drink." He nods to the covered paper cup on her side of the table.

"Thanks." She smiles and wants to ask, "Is this a date then?" just for old times' sake, but she can't bring herself to do that today.

She's afraid he might actually give an answer.

Instead she asks, "How was California? You have to tell me everything."

So he does. He talks about everything in full detail excitedly – the places Wes took him to, all the different kinds of food he'd gotten to try, and the people from other startups he'd met.

He's talking about the startup itself when Maka asks him the dreaded question: "So, when are you leaving?"

"Well, Wes wants me to come back as soon as possible, but I have to deal with all my stuff here first," he replies. "So I might give my notice to quit this week and then, depending on the logistics, leave by the end of the month?" She's noticed that he's a little fidgety – perhaps he's nervous at the thought of moving so far in such a short amount of time, or he can predict what she's trying to say and doesn't necessarily want to hear it, or he just wants to get their meeting over with and move on with the rest of his life.

So, she thinks, this is finally how it ends. Unless—

"Unless," he abruptly says, looking straight at her, "there's something else I need to consider."

She blinks. What the hell? Did she say that last thought out loud? Where is this coming from? "What do you mean?" she asks.

"Well," Soul responds slowly, "I haven't fully decided yet." He looks directly at her. "What do you think?"

She knows that really, Soul is probably asking her for an opinion on the logistics of his departure, but as she meets his red eyes it feels like he's really asking about something else.

It's now or never. She tries to remember everything that BlackStar has told her. Taking a breath, she channels every ounce of courage she has.

"Soul." Her voice sounds surprisingly steady. "I think that I like you, a lot." Wow, what a start. He blinks. "You're my partner, after all. You told me that it's okay to feel like an imposter, and that regardless of my accomplishments, I deserve to be happy. You taught me that first impressions are stupid, and showed me how to change my thinking and my habits to make myself a better person." She thinks she sees him twitch a little.

"You validated my experiences and my struggles. I never expected someone to understand me so much, but then you came along. Seeing and talking with you everyday has become a habit that I know I don't want to stop, but I understand if you don't feel the same way. I just want to let you know that regardless of wherever you go, you changed my life." She finally takes a breath and ends with, "And that's what I think. Thank you, Soul."

And then it's quiet.

"Thank you, Maka," he finally says quietly in return. He's smiling. "I guess I'm staying then."

"What?" she asks, dumbfounded. Her heart sinks and she wonders if he's playing some kind of sick joke on her.

"Yeah," he says casually, as if they're discussing the weather and not a major life decision that has suddenly changed. "I'm not moving to California."

"But you just said you were going back by the end of the month…" she trails off. Her brain feels like it's short circuiting.

"Yeah, don't get me wrong, Wes probably still wants me to fly out then to meet some more investors." He gives a shrug. "But I don't know if being a cofounder is for me, at least not right now, so I told him I would only help with development stuff. And I liked what I saw in Cali, but I think I found something here that I like more."

He stands up and moves to her side of the table. As his gaze holds hers, Maka is reminded of how he'd watched her when she'd talked to him about using black coffee as a symbol of independence, or when she'd told him about how she'd fallen in love with Tsugumi. Back then, she'd seen something she couldn't recognize. She thinks she knows what it is now. It's affection.

He finally reaches her, and as she looks up at him, she asks, "What did you find?"

"You," he answers, and as he leans down and kisses her, she thinks she's finally discovered the perfect taste of coffee after all.

endnotes:

hi again! if you're reading this you've made it to the very end of this fic! THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR READING!

ResBang 2018 was my very first major fandom event, and it was an actual journey that has me sHOOK. i'll be honest, writing this thing out was a constant source of stress for me for the last 4-5 months – it led to a lot of late nights and hard mornings, basically obliterated my social life and other hobbies, and is the main reason why i'm so behind that i'm basically still stuck in 2018 lmfao. (fun fact: i was 40 mins late to a wedding reception cuz i locked myself in my friend's car to make second check-in lmao ... wild times!)

and yet despite this, i don't regret any of it! being in this year's ResBang has caused me to meet so many people, make a whole bunch of new friends, and exposed me to even more new fanworks than i thought was possible for such an old anime series. participating also let me fulfill one of my major 2018 resolutions – to write fic again and redeem my younger self's awful writing skills lol – and it also resulted in me writing my first completed multi-chaptered fic.

thank you again if you've made it this far, and i hope you enjoyed!