ruin

It's been two hours and one of them has yet to strike up a conversation.

She usually loves silences, no matter how awkward it is, but this silence is beyond her capabilities. The chattering of the television is the only thing drifting between their ears, along with the slow traffic outside her apartment complex, the slow steaming of the kettle right behind them, and the quiet whirring of the refrigerator from the kitchen right at the back of her living room. It's strange (like coincidence or fate) how they're together right now and how it's the most anxious Nene has been for weeks.

Satoshi finally manages to say something, "What are you thinking right now?"

Nene thinks a lot of things. She thinks of algebra and theorems, thinks of her grades and the piles of paper she has to submit to get the best score, thinks of her family and, of course, her mother who keeps calling her whenever she misses her, thinks of missed opportunities and second chances or the list of things she dislikes. At that particular moment, however, she can only think about Satoshi and their awkward silence, all the words unsaid, and the glances that said more.

"You," she says so curtly that she surprises herself at how unabashed it was.

He's not though, as if he's expected that answer, and she thinks it's just as fate has written.

"Hm," he hums appreciatively, "that's not a good thing to be thinking about."

"Believe me," she snorts, already feeling a mouthful of distaste swarming in her throat as she remembers everything's he has done over the past few days, "I know."

He regards her sorrowfully, maybe even regretfully, before sighing, "I'm sorry."

"You've said that before," she notes, also noting the fact that his shoulders are slumped forward, his eyes haven't closed in the time she's spent with him, and the fact that fatigue is already written in the droop of his eyelids or in the stammering of his fingers. Pity pushes up in her eyes.

"Because I truly am," Satoshi replies instantly, eyes perking up to hers, scanning and skimming. She feels goose bumps trail down her arm because she does not doubt that he'll find what he's trying to look for.

"I..." Nene swallows for a moment, trying to gain momentum at what she's about to say because there's a huge part of her that's saying not to do it. But it feels right and, ergo, she should. She inhales softly before admitting, "Thank you for saving me."

He's about to speak but Nene doesn't give him the satisfaction. She instantly cuts him, "I also want to say sorry for being over dramatic the last time we met."

He looks pained, as if he's not expecting her to apologize. He says indignantly, "You were in the right. If it was me, I would have felt used too."

That's true, she echoes in her mind, she deserves to be hurt and lost but it's already been a year and all she's been feeling is hurt and lost. She wants to grasp on to new emotions. Her apology doesn't wash the grimy pain away or rinse out the dirty heartache, but there's a humming in her heart and she muses to herself that she isn't that lost anymore. She decides that it's better than nothing.

"Kinokuni-san," Satoshi asserts, already she sees him struggle for a brief moment when he turns to her, "you shouldn't be sorry for what you did. You didn't overreact and I should have left before you woke up."

"Why didn't you?" Nene asks simply, hands intertwined together on her lap.

He doesn't speak and she waits because she feels that she has a right to know. Satoshi looks at the coffee table in front of them longer than necessary, and she understands that he's hesitant. But he manages after to sigh through his nose, glance back at her, and admit, "I wanted to see you again."

The worst part of all of this is that he doesn't look embarrassed about it. His cerulean eyes twinkle with intensity, his mouth tight on his face, his jaw gritted up as if preparing for a fight. There is a certain urgency in his energy, a certain honesty in his answer, and she almost turns her head away at the fieriness of his emotions. She congratulates herself when she doesn't.

Finally, the kettle whistles behind them.

Nene scrambles to the kitchen. She doesn't want to look at him right this moment, doesn't want to see what his eyes would tell; instead she focuses on pouring the tea into their respective cups. She stumbles for a moment as the tea pours down, warming the ceramic that they're put in. Satoshi also does not speak in the background, and for that she's glad.

She lifts the two cups and carefully places them on the coffee table.

When Nene looks up, she notices a quaint smile settling on his face. She wants to wipe it away, but she settles with asking in an annoyed tone, "What?"

It does not affect him as much as she liked. Instead, Satoshi gently says, "You're home looks a bit Western."

To any other person, it seems like a natural comment, a passing remark, an icebreaker so they may continue their conversation. To Nene, it's him understanding her current way of life, sneaking a peek in her mind, knowing exactly why her apartment is far from the traditional design she's used to ever since she was born.

She scowls at him, eyes narrowing at the dangerous curve of his mouth. She huffs, turning to face the table in front of them, still with the same scowl on her face, "Shut up."

From the corner of her eye, she sees him grin, fuller this time, reaching all the way to his eyes and to his eyebrows. If possible, the fleeting joy extends to his hair, the orange strands somehow dancing side by side. Instead of marveling at his sudden happiness, she chooses to take her cup and sip it carefully, avoiding burning her tongue.

As if in a spell, the whole emotion drops. He looks over to his cup, eyes dangerously low, before telling her gently, "I suppose you're not the only one who's outgrown tradition."

It strikes her as odd for him to say this and it fills her up with even more questions than before. What does he mean by that? Is he not living with his family anymore like she is? Why did Rindou claim that he was broke? Why is he here, in Tokyo of all places, and unemployed no less? Questions upon questions, and Nene feels that somehow his family is the main player in all of these.

She asks him directly, finding no use to delay the answers to her questions, "What happened with you and your family?"

He flinches and she's somewhat glad that she's right on her guess. The other half feels pity at the sorrow nestling inside his cerulean eyes.

"Well," he starts hesitantly, eyes carefully analyzing the crevices of her face, as if he's trying to take in every detail of her in so little time. "I'm not living with them anymore."

"Why is that?" she prompts, ruby eyes glaring at him pointedly as if telling him to spit it out or else.

"Because I didn't go through with the marriage," he states. They momentarily stay silent before he explains further, "They kicked me out."

Nene's tongue feels like lead. She realizes just how grave his situation is, and now realizes why his posture is sagging, why his face is just tired, why his cerulean eyes have been so blank. Chills crawl up her spine as she thinks of scenarios from the past year; eyes downcast, hands calloused, trying to live without the support of his family, without their warmth, cooking and cooking with no passion towards the food, towards life in general, towards himself. She thinks she's looking at a mirror, and comes to terms that the falling out of their marriage hasn't just affected her.

"How…?" she whispers, voice cracking towards the end. But the way his eyes land on her forlornly, she can already pinpoint the answers.

She doesn't know how, but her hand finds his arm, softly grasping it as if worried that it might break. There's pity in her eyes that she can't quite express, and there's brokenness in his that he can never tell. It's heartbreaking to her, and she decides that maybe this time she wants to heal with him.

Strangely, they quickly fall into a steady rhythm in the following weeks.

Nene wakes up at six in the morning, Satoshi wakes up much later. She cooks them breakfast, Satoshi cooks for dinnertime. Usually it's Satoshi who happily talks her ear off, chatting about his lonesome travels along Japan, visiting his underclassmen from the Polar Star Dormitory. There are days, however, when it's Nene who decides to complain about her professors and the ungodly amount of homework she gets put through. It's a comforting fact, at least to Nene, that when she gets back, she has a familiar face to vent to.

It's too quick, she decides, for them to be so familiar with each other but they are. She learns that he prefers his eggs sunny-side up, prefers his coffee with an unsettling amount of milk, cooks their meals that always come with soups, and, most unfortunately, loves to ramp around the apartment with his bare ass for the world to see. And despite Nene's disapproval and threats to kick him out if he continues doing this, Satoshi seems to be unfazed with anything she says.

Soon as well, she memorizes the way his face drops if he's disappointed, how his cerulean eyes turn stormy if he's angered, how his wrinkles from underneath his eyes show when he smiles. She memorizes his daily habits; how he ties his shoelaces with incredible attention, how he never forgets to wear his leather-strapped wristwatch, how he leaves one button unbuttoned when wearing pastel-colored shirts, how he smiles involuntarily whenever she thinks he's being an idiot.

On weekends they do the laundry. She spins them in the washing machine while he hangs them up in the balcony. Sometimes they clean the house, other times they stay in the couch to drink tea and watch game shows that they discovered one day and never changed the channel again. He likes to tease her about the lack of shoji in her apartment or the lack of shrines, while she bites back by claiming that he's still unemployed and lacks decency to put any clothes on.

Almost one month in, Satoshi finally gets a job. Elated, he shows off that he's a sous chef in a three-star restaurant near her university while she surprises him by baking little vanilla cupcakes that she learned from Akanegakubo Momo. Satoshi claims that they're the best cupcakes he ever had while Nene profusely denies it, a growing blush spreading across her cheeks.

"You're too humble," Satoshi laughs gently after she said that all credits go to Momo.

"You're too naïve," Nene quickly fires back. She crosses her arms across her chest, looking angry, but the big blush on her face and the rapid beating of her heart tells her otherwise.

Satoshi, Nene gradually notices, has also been studying her over the past few weeks. When Nene has to study for a test, he's extra careful to not make any noise. When Nene looks tired, having stayed up all night because of a project, he prepares her tea without a lot of noise, serving to her once she notices. When Nene finally finishes a particularly hard assignment, he celebrates with her with movies and baked pastries. She's grateful, of course, and he's simply just glad to help.

His presence fills the apartment as well. Before him, Nene's apartment is a simple decorated one with not a lot of decorations and personal items. As he becomes more prominent in her life, Satoshi leaves bits and pieces of his soul in the apartment. By the balcony, he grows rosemary, thyme, and lemongrass, all of which he tends to carefully. On top of the coffee table, there is a cute ensemble of little cacti that he proudly boasted of haggling from the market. There are also potted plants everywhere; beside the couch, inside the bathroom, on top of the kitchen counter, right beside the doorway, and she suspects there are a dozen of others inside his room. Her bedroom, however, has none of his touches. When he showers, she catches a whiff of his strong scent: musky and the smell of earth. Even if she's locked up in her room, buried neck-deep into her studies, she hears his breathy laughter, first approaching his throat before emerging from his mouth, deep and husky, safe and warm. Oftentimes, his clothes litter around the apartment, and she finds his underwear in places she'd never thought it would appear in. And, even after extensive lectures and inhumane threats, she will be the one who finds his clothes again the next day.

They follow a rhythm, she decides. Soon enough, she wonders why she hasn't thought of having a roommate before and the answer to the question is always—because it won't be him.

It's the third month of him in her apartment, and she flinches when her mother calls from home to bring terrible news:

"We'll be visiting next week!"

She glances at Satoshi in the couch, nibbling on soba while religiously watching a variety show, cerulean eyes deep in thought and his jacket thrown carelessly beside him.

"That's great, mom."

Finally, he tears his eyes away from the television and instead watches her, eyebrows somewhat furrowed but his mouth still carries a breezy smile. There's a stuttering in her heart as she shakes her head to assure that everything's okay. He follows it up with a thumbs-up, fingers unusually long and brittle, and a sudden brightness on his face. She decides that maybe this is what it feels like to forgive.

a/n: im baaack. thank you for all the reviews. it really means a lot to me:) im sorry this chapter took so long. anyway, looks like nene's family is visiting her. does it mean trouble for satoshi and nene?