"How's your daughter doing, Robin?" asked Bowser, pinching a tiny teacup between his claws.
"Oh, she's doing just fine. She's actually coming down to visit this weekend. I was a little hesitant about moving to a different universe then her, even if it is just for the time being. I think it's been good for her. She's really coming into her own." replied Robin, taking a sip of herbal tea.
"Yeah, they grow up so fast. It still feels like yesterday when Junior was just a hatchling, and now he's cooking up schemes on his own! Did you see him during that whole bunny thing? Yeah, I was a little upset with him at the time, but in hindsight, it's incredible he carried all of that on his own!"
"The Sunshine thing was impressive too. From what I know, you've never really manipulated local law, but your kid had them played like a fiddle. You know, sometimes I regret not being able to watch Morgan grow up, because of time travel nonsense, but I must have done a great job creating the woman she's becoming. Lucina and I aren't thinking of having any babies yet, but from what I can tell, there's something remarkable about it. I shudder to think what would happen if Junior and Morgan met up."
"What, like romantically? I know your girl is technically a princess, but I don't know if she'd be his type."
"Oh no, not like that, I mean as friends. Although Morgan has been having a little romantic trouble. She tried out some dating during the war, but all the people around her age were friends with her mom, and that was weird for her. It was a weird enough hurdle for me to go over with Chrom and Lucina, and I only did it because I was confident she was the one."
"That Lucina has some spunk! You sure did nab a good one there," said Bowser with a laugh.
"Yeah, I sure did." Robin paused. "So did you apparently."
"Oh, here we go. This is the whole reason you brought me here!" groaned Bowser in annoyance, although he didn't put the teacup down gently as to not break it.
"Bowser, don't be like that! You know I like talking to you, but you have to tell me where the princess is!" exclaimed Robin.
"If you want to rescue the princess, then you'll have to go through the traps I set up across seven worlds! That's how it's supposed to go!"
"I know that, and my assistant is dealing with them as we speak," replied Robin
"Hey dog lady!" shouted a Goomba from below Isabelle.
"Oh. hello, little guy!" exclaimed Isabelle, waving from her floating perch.
"You're supposed to be going through the officials! We got them all positioned and everything!" If the Goomba had arms, he would be gesturing the extravagant traps and bored-looking guards behind him.
"I am! I can't float forever, so I've been touching down," replied Isabelle, swinging her legs to propel herself forward on her balloon swing
"Yeah, on top of blocks! That don't count!"
"It counts enough for me! I am all about practical solutions! This princess has gotta be saved somehow!"
"Yeah and another thing! Where's Mario? My forehead's got a date with his shins!"
"I don't actually know. My boss said Mario had a lot on his plate."
"What about Green Mario?"
"Green Mario?"
"Yeah, uh, you know, that green guy that follows Mario sometimes?"
"Oh, Yoshi doesn't do this kind of stuff. And he's also taking a bit of a break from being ridden!"
"...I don't think that's who I meant, but I don't know enough about him to argue."
Robin opened up a tin of cookies and dunked one into his tea. "Bowser, buddy, what's going on here? Why would you kidnap someone when they're surrounded by the best heroes across the multiverse? I've managed to keep a lid on this, but when the others find out, it's going to be impossible to handle. You're gonna have heroes crawling up your ass trying to rescue that princess."
"It's just-It's just that it's so hard to meet people, you know?" said Bowser, grabbing a fistful of cookies and shoving them into this mouth.
"As someone who watched an entire army marry itself, trust me, I know."
"Yeah, but even then, you're all...Ok, look, I'm going to be real with you, and if you laugh, I'm going to bite your face off," said Bowser, trying to sound earnest through a mouth full of shortbread cookies.
"I promise it won't come to that."
"It's...hard meeting people when you look the way I do. Everyone you know is...pretty, I guess. Even the tough, rugged guys are pretty. And I'm not, and I feel like that's what people want. I mean, what kind of lady would want to be with a guy like me?"
Robin looked at Bowser, more surprised than anything. "Oh, buddy...you don't know, do you?"
"Don't know what?" asked Bowser/
Robin inhaled sharply and put his hands together in front of him. "Bowser, my man, my friend...Man, I gotta make a decision here. I didn't tell Isabelle because she's too pure, but if that's your concern it might actually help to let you know…"
"Tell me what? Quit being coy, punk!"
Robin sighed. "Bowser, buddy...I don't' know how to properly explain this to you, but long story short, there are, like, a surprising amount of people who would have you sit on them if you asked. People who want to explore the depths of the Koopa Kingdom. People who want to figure out what's going on under that shell, although there are more people who would prefer you with the shell on. They want them dry bones. They want to see just how Giga Giga Bowser can get. There was a brief period where the hotness of you and Peach was combined into one and it nearly broke the internet, to the point that Nintendo itself had to somewhat address porn without directly reference the porn."
"What's Nintendo?"
"It would be faster to explain porn. My point is there are plenty of people who are into what you got going on. The kind of people who were drastically disappointed by the ending of Beauty and the Beast, regardless of if they're furries or not."
"What's a furry?'
"Don't worry about it. You have to move on from Peach. She might not be the one for you. Not got get all How I Met Your Mother on you, but the universe has a plan, and you just have to put yourself out there. You gotta be Bowser on the streets, but King Koopa in the sheets."
"You're right! I will put myself out there! I'll find someone who likes me for me, and then I'll kidnap them!" Bowser pumped his fist in the air, a new determination filling his eyes.
Robin rubbed his temples. "...Ok, so that wasn't exactly my point, but it's in the right neighborhood. Now, Where is Peach."
"The basement."
"...What?"
"Yeah, I locked her in the basement. Mario was going to go all the way to my castle, only to realize that the Princess wasn't in a Castle at all! It's classic, and then he would come back here and we would have our final fight on Final Destination. Usually, when I kidnap the princess, there are always switches or weapons lying around the castle that Mario can use against me, so I wanted to fight him without any items, one-on-one! Ahahahah!"
"...A part of me really wants to unpack how you spent most of this time planning on how you would fight Mario instead of winning the princess over, but we made a lot of progress here already and I do not have the energy to get into this with you. Just let Peach go, and then, I dunno, we'll set up a dating profile for you?" asked Robin, as he picked up his tea.
"Should we let your assistant know that this thing is off? It might take a while for me to call off my men." Bowser asked, biting into a cookie.
Robin sipped his tea. "Oh, I'm sure she'll manage."
"Oh, I'm sorry Mario, but the princess is in another castle." Said the blue Toad to his savior.
"Oh, that's no problem! At least I got to rescue you too!" replied Isabelle with a warm smile.
"Wait, who are you?" Asked the confused Toad, who easily wiggled out of his restraints.
"My name's Isabelle, and I've here to save you!"
"Wow...Nobody has ever come for just lil old me…" said Toad, as he looked away bashfully.
"Just follow me and we can head right on back to somewhere safe!"
"What about all the monsters?" asked Toad, carefully following Isabelle through the lava-filled halls.
"Oh, they aren't all monsters! They're just different. You get to talking to them and you'll realize they all have their own personalities." said Isabelle, waving to some Koopa Troopas, who greeted her with a smile.
"And the ones who didn't want to talk?" asked Toad, as the approached a warp pipe.
A Piranha Plant burst out of the pipe, ready to attack the two. However, it took one look at Isabelle and, to the best of its ability, whimpered. The plant uprooted itself and, using its large head, wimpy leave, and twiglike stout, wiggled away, inch by inch.
"They all want to talk in the end."