uncertainty

They don't talk much, but it's only because Nene doesn't know how to start the conversation.

The most they've talked about was if Nene wanted tea (the obvious answer was yes), and if everything was all right (the answer was not obvious here). And while Satoshi busies himself with the tea and to give her a proper blanket since she looked freezing, Nene's fiddling with her thumbs, eyes switching from the dirty clothes in the corner, to the turned off television in front of her. She cannot sniff out the usual flowery and earthy scent inside this apartment and it only makes her unsteady.

"Here's your tea, Kinokuni-san," Satoshi speaks, resting the tea cup on the low table in front of her.

"Thank you," she says promptly, because even if she's grimacing inside, her parents have raised a lady and, as a lady, she must be grateful at all times.

"Is your mother doing all right?" Satoshi asks, setting down a cup of tea for himself.

She flinches, Satoshi mutters a quick apology, but she shakes her head to say that it's okay. She thinks of her mother, still standing upright when Nene left, eyes pointed and narrowed, probably feeling a bit betrayed yet still assured that Nene would come back like the good child that she is. Her mother's unfortunately right—Nene was raised to be an obedient child.

"Do you want some pastries? There's a bakery down the street—"

"Isshiki, was it hard being alone?"

The question is vague, the context even vaguer, but he's Satoshi. It's strange, but he knows what she's talking about. He pauses for a while, and Nene imagines that he's thinking of harsh winters that bite your skin, or maybe of dead harvests that crumble in his touch, or the nagging feeling in his brain that no one in his family wants to do anything with him anymore. Nene closes her eyes, because being disowned by her family is something she never wants to imagine.

"You're a family-centered person, Kinokuni-san," Satoshi claims, "I know you think that you've made an independent decision by moving out here, but you're not really independent. There's still a big part of you which cannot help but be that reliable child. I was once like you. Even if I thought I had escaped my family while I was in Totsuki, I didn't really become independent.

"Being nameless around Japan, trying to scour for work to survive, I realized how much I depended on my name. But being able to survive on your own… it's a luxury few can afford in our type of family, Kinokuni-san. There's so much outside our duties, and you understand that, which is why you're here.

"But I don't think you're truly free, Kinokuni-san."

Nene thinks of her living room; so bland and so minimalistic. She's always been a simple girl, that's the go-to excuse of her mother, but the room didn't resemble anything like their traditional house—her mother probably thought that it had been disrespectful in a way and her aunt definitely had commented on it blindly. But she can't help but remember the surprise Satoshi nurtured when he fully gazed at her apartment and then the understanding and then the relief.

"You're right."

Satoshi eyes her carefully, the cerulean shade growing darker by the minute.

"Satoshi—let's leave."

Satoshi's been trying to tell her to drop the idea, but Nene cannot help but feel thrilled with it.

"I know I said that, Kinokuni-san, but running away isn't really the best solution," he tells her for the millionth time. She pretends not to hear anything as she hungrily checks at the map of Japan, pondering the advantages and disadvantages of living in a particular city.

"Would you prefer near the beach or transferring to another city? Hm, knowing you, Isshiki, you'd probably love the countryside…" Nene trails off. She thinks of rice paddies and harvesting, and although she chose to live in such an urbanized location, she cannot help but find living with Satoshi in a quiet and unbothered environment exciting.

"Kinokuni-san, I don't think this is right," Satoshi says plainly. His eyes worriedly watch Nene fidget with her phone, trying to find a suitable place to run away to. He sighs, "You took it the wrong way—running away from your family is not the way to go."

Nene sighs, finally dropping her phone on her lap. She glares at him with exasperation and asks, "Why aren't you supporting me with this? I get to be free." I get to be with you.

"Being free doesn't mean hurting others." Satoshi warns. He grabs her hands to take away her phone, and it hurts Nene to feel the warmth that passes her when his hands graze hers. He then matches her eyes, and she's a bit stunned because it's the same stormy ocean that had haunted her dreams before. There's determination in his tone when he tells her, "You aren't a coward."

She feels her heart burst. It's flaming, rising up and down, and she feels as if it's getting larger inside her chest, almost suffocating and consuming her. But it's such a wonderful feeling as well, like watching the television on Sunday or exchanging stories at the end of a tiring day, the feeling of being accepted.

She's run out of her words, but she's able to offer a tight hug.

Satoshi hitches his breath against her neck and it leaves goose bumps at the back of her neck. There's hesitance in his movements, but he still wraps his arms around her waist gently. He doesn't try to pull her closer and leaves a space between them. It's too sudden, too unpredictable because Nene doesn't give hugs; much less give them twice in a day, but she has always been an unpredictable (or special) case.

"Thank you, Satoshi," she whispers near his earlobes. She can feel a slight shiver from him, and she revels in it for a moment because it's been so long since she witnessed him off guard. But then his body slacks and he's comfortable, and the hands that lay on her waist are more genuine now.

"Anything for you," he murmurs. Nene's not sure if she's supposed to hear that, but her heart releases another wave of happiness. So she pulls him even closer, their fronts finally bumping against one another and finally closing the gap between them. His body's warm against hers and, if she focuses enough, she can hear the pounding inside his chest. It makes her indescribably happy.

She briefly berates herself for only hugging him now because she's never been this peaceful, never been this contented, never been this… loved.

Ah, there's that damning word.

They fall asleep at the couch as well after another hour of soft voices and gentle gestures. Nene quickly dreams of another pair of cerulean eyes; calm and breezy. There's nothing but the wind that caresses her face and her heart that keeps on ringing in her eardrums. When the eyes speak, they're loving and husky and she feels as if she's never trusted anyone more.

"You're not a coward."

Eventually, the sun rises on the two. They're frozen on the couch; Nene snuggled up on his side while Satoshi's arm is secured on her waist. Nene's the first to wake up, fluttering her eyes open, and panicking for a moment because she's not in her apartment. She looks back at Satoshi with his pink lips partly opened and his small strands of hair covering part of his face. A swell of affection reaches her and she has to pry herself from his arm to stop her thoughts there.

She takes her phone and flinches at the amount of missed calls from her mother which she had not seen because her phone's on silent.

Nene decides she needs to see her mother. She thinks of the conversation last night, thinks of betrayals and cowardice, and also of hope and trust. She's not sure on what to say, but maybe if she sees her all the confusion would go away. She wants to wake up Satoshi, tell her to accompany him and be her rock, but she knows that this battle is meant only for her. Maybe she'll leave a thank you note or just text him when the worst is over.

She surveys his face for a moment; his eyes shut close in peaceful slumber, his cheeks pale from the lowered temperature, and his chest rises and then fall so painstakingly slowly. Nene's heart burst yet again at his peaceful expression. She's still confused even now of emotions and feelings, of attractions and affections, so she wouldn't know how to start dissecting what she really thinks of Satoshi, but she finds herself only grateful that he's right here for her.

The wedding suddenly seemed so long ago, as if it was another plane of existence. When she remembers herself in the bathtub or the days of depressions that followed right after, it's already a dull pain in her heart, nothing striking like before. Satoshi isn't just some person who had broke her heart when he left her in the altar, but someone who had been afraid and yet still gathered what he can to apologize.

"Thank you," Nene whispers.

Satoshi stirs in his sleep. He wakes up half an hour later to find Nene gone with only a small note on the table that repeated what she had just whispered.

a/n: wow i cant believe i updated. im so sorryyy. next chap is the last one so keep a look out on that. hope it'll be up in jan. merry christmas and happy new year!