Chapter Ten
Jess emerged from the sheriff's office, taking an instant deep breath into his lungs to assure that there wasn't any smoke lingering in the air. It was fresh and clean, except with the normal smells a town like Laramie boasted which sometimes, if in the wrong place, could make a healthy man cough. He stepped across the street, pausing to greet various townspeople who inquired about his burns before he slowly made his way to the doctor's office.
It was now the second afternoon since the fire. Jess had already been back to Doc Sweeney's office twice since he'd exited with Slim the morning after. The first time was mainly for the doctor to make sure Jess hadn't unwrapped all of his bandages, the second time was purely just to visit with Mort, but both times that Jess had entered the room, the injured lawman had remained asleep. Jess was hoping that now, as more time had passed, that he'd find Mort fully awake.
"Doc," Jess poked his head through the doctor's office door and when Doc Sweeney lifted his head at his desk, Jess stepped inside. "Can I see Mort?"
"Sure, he's been awake much more today," Doc Sweeney nodded, motioning with his hand to the room where Mort rested, although Jess knew without the directory. "Don't keep him talking for long. His voice is still rather raspy and he gets coughing fits, like I suspect by the sound of your own voice, you still do, too."
"I ain't coughed since," Jess paused, trying to come up with a quick falsehood but when Doc Sweeney gave him a look that said "tell me the truth", Jess smiled and replied honestly, "since a few minutes ago."
"All right, Jess, go on in," Doc Sweeney pulled out the timepiece from his pocket. "I'll give you ten minutes, but if I start to hear excessive hacking coming from that room, I'll cut you off sooner."
"Thanks, Doc," Jess nodded and then with a light tap on the door, Jess walked in, seeing Mort's trusting brown eyes turn to him immediately as he entered. It was good to see him awake, as lying still like he'd seen before made Mort look more like a dead man.
"How's it today, Mort?" Jess asked, keeping his voice on a lower tone to try to prevent the cough from forming.
"I'm sure blamed sick of lying in bed, I'll tell you that," Mort's voice was a little above a whisper, but every word was full of smoky gravel. "But the hurting is fierce in places, so I suppose this is where I'm going to stay for a good while."
"I'm sorry, Mort," Jess said, despite the lower volume, the sadness in his voice was so clear that Mort rose up, grimacing with each movement to a seated position just to get a better look at the troubled man beside him.
"What are you sorry for?" Mort asked, although he had a good suspicion he knew what Jess' answer would be.
"That you almost died looking for me when I wasn't even in the house," Jess was almost glad that his voice was far from normalcy so he could easily dismiss the choked up feeling from his sorrowful emotions to being a symptom of the smoke damage.
"Oh," Mort smiled, shaking his head slightly. "I don't blame you one bit. Besides, you saved my life. I've heard the glowing details from the other night directly from Johnny and Carol's lips and let me tell you, their story paints a mighty picture of a hero named Jess Harper."
"Hero?" Jess almost laughed but stopped himself because the action in his throat started to bring on a cough. He turned his head to look towards the closed door, almost expecting Doc Sweeney to arrive to break up their conversation but when the door remained shut, Jess turned his eyes back to Mort. "I ain't a hero. I feel like just the opposite."
"Why?" Mort asked, his tone portraying that he was truthfully dumbfounded that Jess would even make that claim.
"You know my dislike of fires and such," Jess answered, even quieter than his voice spoke before.
"But Jess," Mort looked intently at Jess' face, "you didn't run from the danger. You jumped right in the middle of it to save me. A cowardly man wouldn't do that."
"I ain't saying that I'm a downright coward, Mort," Jess shook his head back and forth for a moment before he continued. "I still have enough fight in me to try to save a life, but, it's what them blamed fires do to me afterwards is all. Nightmares haunt me even when I ain't sleeping. I reckon there's more words I could use, but I ain't ever been partial to admitting my fears."
"Well, after what I just went through, I'm bound to be a little weak-kneed myself," Mort smiled for a moment and then his expression took on a more serious shade. "But really Jess, you're beating yourself up too much. You're a far greater man than you're envisioning yourself to be."
"I don't know about that, Mort," Jess shrugged his shoulders, not feeling the confidence in Mort's words as he should have, especially since they were true. "I ain't never been sca… I mean, I ain't never hated dreaming before."
"Son, it's all right to say you're scared," Mort looked deep into the troubled blue eyes of his friend. "I'll say it. I was scared when my house caught on fire; scared for me, for you, for Johnny and Carol. Does that make me a lesser man?" Mort waited until Jess answered with a firm, "no", before continuing, "then it doesn't make you a lesser man either. Fear is a natural emotion, Jess. Every single one of us faces it now and then in our lives. The fact that we can admit it helps show that we do not want to hide from it, but face it."
"But it ain't something I can control," Jess frowned, his hand going to his gun. He removed it from its holster and held it firmly in his palm. "This," the gun was slightly shaken, "this is what I can control. I can make a decision to pull it, aim it and fire it. Even if someone else is provoking me to do so, it still is my choice to fight with this gun. This dad-gum fear that I fight has made all the choices for me and I gotta take it without any say in the matter. It's like I'm stuck in a gunfight where my opponent's firing bullets all around me just to watch me jump. And that's only how it feels during the day. At night, when the images return, well, calling it a nightmare ain't doing how it feels any justice."
"I understand Jess," Mort saw the confusion on Jess' face and then Mort nodded his head, adding to the truth of his words. "I'm no stranger to nightmares. You don't wear a badge for as long as I have without facing some ugly dreams. I'd be lying if I said they didn't bother me, especially when I wake up alone in the dark."
"But do they ever go away?" Jess asked, not knowing if there was hope in an answer or just doubt.
"I believe they will, Jess," Mort said with a firm nod. "You're strong and you've overcome a lot of obstacles in your life. This one has a different hold on you is all. Just don't let it control you."
"Ain't I already let it done that?"
"It's got you in its grip, we both know that, but it hasn't destroyed who the real Jess Harper is. You proved by saving my life that you are able to face your fears and one of these days you'll be able to see that your strength had the power to get through this all along. Don't shake your head at me; I know this to be true because I can already see your true abilities shining through that smoky haze that has surrounded you. You're going to get through this Jess, you've already taken several steps in the right direction. First by tearing through the fire to rescue me, second you didn't run back to the ranch but you kept that badge on to help fight for the safety of this town and third, and perhaps the most important, you're looking inside of yourself for answers."
"But I ain't sure I wanna see what's down deep in there," Jess said at a pitch that was close to a whisper.
"Jess, when you look deep down inside of yourself you won't see fear, but you'll see the strong man that you really are. You've seen a lot of grief in your time, not just from fire, but from gunfights and really, from life itself. All of these things haven't happened to leave you traumatized forever, but you've been shaped by these same experiences making you into the man that you are today. Not a weak man, but a mighty strong one that I am proud to call as my friend."
"Thanks, Mort," Jess dropped his eyes to look at the floor as it was easier that way to avoid any other uncomfortable emotion from coming over him. He could live to be a hundred and still not like to show his tender sides.
"Well, I suppose that's enough personal talk for now," Mort smiled as his eyes were drawn to the badge on Jess' chest, feeling strange that one wasn't attached to his own, although he figured it would look odd being pinned to a bandage. "Let's turn to law. Learn anything about the fire?"
It was easy to slip from one topic to another. Jess nodded his head slightly when Mort switched subjects, noticing how the seasoned lawman took a turn to his job, knowing that Jess would not have been sitting idly in his office doing nothing while he took the slow steps in mending. Even though there had been times he had done just that, like the rest of the jobs Jess could handle fluently, he had kept himself busy with everything being a deputy included.
"It was an arsonist, Mort," Jess said the words that confirmed Mort's suspicions. "I saw a man running from your house when it was all ablaze."
"Get a good description?" Mort asked, his tone taking on its sheriff persona instantly.
"No," Jess shook his head. "Taller than me, fairly scrawny, but that could describe a lotta different men."
"That doesn't give us much to go on, does it?" Mort nodded and then sighed, leaning deeper into his propped up pillows. "Is the town in a panic?"
"Getting that way," Jess answered truthfully, remembering every frightened face that he saw while he'd walked through the street.
"They'll be on high alert for a good while," Mort said as his voice drew quieter, his exhaustion starting to take its toll. "Maybe that'll make the arsonist edgy and flee."
"To run to another town to do the same?" Jess frowned as he heard the doctor's footsteps coming in their direction, knowing that their time together was up. "No, if he's still around, I'm gonna find him. He's caused enough pain and suffering in Laramie."
Doc Sweeney entered the room and Jess stood, reaching his hand out to Mort. Both bandaged hands grasped one another and as Jess turned to leave, he added a silent vow to put an end to the arsonist. It wasn't just about him anymore. His nightmares and fears that were driven by the insanity of a man who felt power in fire had been a private fight, but now it was much more involved. Lives were lost, homes were gone, people forever changed. Jess would get him, but in making that declaration came the truth that in doing so he'd likely have to go head-on into a fire once more.