Existentially Inept

The following story takes place between episodes FIVE and SIX, also known as "Rei I" and "Rei II".

"Rei…?"

"Shinji."

"Do you ever think about death?"

"...No."

"What about life... and living?"

"...No," Rei answers quietly, "But I was told they are both one in the same."

"I… I don't know," Shinji hesitates, hugging himself tight. Goosebumps prickle his skin.

The desolate grey room Rei quietly and solemnly occupies seems colder than it ever has. All of the walls have a quarter-inch of dust permanently pasted to them. The only light that comes in is filtered through the five slits of the shades on the North-side window, and that light has a red tint eerily similar to Rei's own eye color. The bed Rei is half-tucked into has a pale white sheet hiding the sickly yellow mattress filled with stains of unknown origins. Shinji stiffly stands with his heels close together and hands clenched. His head is hung so low that his chin touches his clavicle. Shinji seems to only take up a corner of the room, but he chooses to face his body toward Rei. She stays tucked into her bed, only her waist up is exposed, and only her head is turned toward him.

"Why did you come here Shinji?"

"I… I saw you walking home from Nerv, and I wanted to talk but-"

"Why?" Shinji finally looks up for the first time since walking in three minutes ago, and he notices the state of undress she is in with her loose fully unbuttoned shirt.

"Why did you want to talk to me about death?" Rei wonders calmly, unphased by his wide-eyed immaturity.

"I-I, uh, you-your shirt, um," Shinji points ambiguously towards her and looks away.

"Why does it bother you?"

"Well, um, I haven't… seen…" Shinji stops his stuttering and shakes his head, causing his bangs to fall out of place. "I should go, I… I don't know why I asked about… stuff like that." Shinji starts to cut the distance between him and the door when he pauses his stride, "Rei?"

"Yes?" she answers, in her same position on the bed.

"For some reason… I feel like I already know you." Rei looks away for the first time, but she shows no change of emotion on her face. Somehow, it felt like someone else did it for her. Rei doesn't open her mouth. "And… I, well, I feel something," he whispers, "something I don't really know-GYAH!"

Just as Shinji turned his head back toward the room, Rei appeared three inches from his face. His eye level is at her softly curved teal eyebrows. He pins his own body against the door, failing to keep steady eye contact with her. His eyes are too busy bouncing wildly around the little room. Rei reaches a hand of hers to his right shoulder that's so thin you can make out each tendon and metacarpal. Shinji makes a "nnrgh" noise and squirms so violently that Rei retracts the hand.

"You are (not) capable of physical intimacy?"

"Wha- INTIMACY?!" Shinji squeaks.

"It has never crossed my mind. Yet I imagine it is part of living. Do you think so?" Rei's head slightly turns to the side, starring expectantly. Shinji's body relaxes a bit, but his voice remains loud and unsure as his hands grasp the sides of his baggy pants.

"I'm not sure… but, I'm kind of scared to… do anything like…"

"Like what?"

"Uh-" Shinji scratches his neck and his eyes wander down to Rei's exposed torso. He shuts his eyes tight, "I-Igottagoseeyouatschool!"

SLAM

Rei stands unphased.

…

…

Her hand reaches to her shirt and she pulls the two sides of it closed, covering herself.

Do you feel, Rei?

…..

Rei looks toward her feet. Earbuds are knotted up on the floor. She bends to pick them up, hearing a pop in her ankle. She recognizes them as the ones Shinji wears. Her grip tightens on them.

…..

"I do (not) know."