Disclaimer: Once I rose above the noise and confusion
The Wonders of Polyjuice
Harry came fully awake the next morning when his questing hands came up empty. He was alone in bed. Opening his eyes, he found his missing paramour seated at a table facing another version of herself, apparently engaged in a game of chess.
"I believe that's mate," the left Luna stated calmly.
The right Luna glared at the board for a few moments as if willing it to transfigure itself into something more favorable.
"Unless of course you can see something I can't?" the left Luna prompted.
With a sigh, the right Luna reached up and knocked over her king. Shaking her head, the right Luna rose and, shooting Harry an unreadable look, faded away to nothingness.
"Harry!" the left, now sole Luna in the room, squealed. "Good morning."
"Good morning, Luna."
"Wait." She hastily concealed something behind her back. "Close your eyes, I want to surprise you with something."
The boy complied. "How long do you want me to keep them closed for?"
"Just a few more moments." He heard what sounded like robes hitting the floor. "Alright, you can open your eyes now."
His eyes widened and a wide grin appeared on his face. There was Luna, standing in the middle of the room wearing naught but a lacy black pair of panties, an equally lacy matching bra, and a rather nice hat.
"Well?"
"I'm going to have to close my eyes more often if this is what I'm going to see when I open them," Harry said enthusiastically.
"She said she thought you'd like them," Luna chirped. "What about the hat?" she added shyly.
"It's rather fetching on you."
"Thank you, Harry, I had hoped you'd think so." She stretched, arching her back and drawing his attention to a specific part of her body.
"I don't know when you had time to go shopping," the boy continued. "But it was time well spent."
"I didn't. I'm afraid I had a rather severe nightmare last night and did not feel it wise to go back to sleep."
"You should have woken me up," Harry said instantly. "Would have been nice to hold each other even if it wouldn't have helped you get back to sleep."
"You don't wake me when you have nightmares," Luna replied. "Do so and I will agree to wake you."
"Luna, I have a lot of nightmares."
"And I wish to help you work through them as much as you wish to help me work through mine. Deal?"
"Deal."
"Is your offer still good?"
"To hold you till you get back to sleep?" Harry asked. "Of course. I like holding you, Luna."
She climbed back onto the bed and settled herself in his arms. "As I was saying, I awoke early and did not wish to wake you so I arranged a game of chess to pass the time. My opponent asked if I'd be willing to trade a few things that while meaningless to us, would help her deal with a pesky accounting problem, so I told her that I wanted to complete the set."
"So those are?"
"Yes," Luna agreed. "I'm afraid she didn't have anything in your size but she promised she would by the next time I felt the need to have a game of chess."
IIIIIIIIII
Lily burst into Bones' office smiling wider than she had since the birth of her youngest child. She had it, everything she'd hoped for and more.
A matching grin soon adorned Amelia's face. "Went well, I take it?"
"Found all I need to send Lucius Malfoy to Azkaban for fifteen years, found all I need to give him Fudge as a roommate for the same amount of time, and all I need to remove nearly all of the Wizengamout members that might vote against sending such notables to prison."
"That all?" Amelia asked cheerfully. There it was, in her hands was the reason she'd put up with the stupidity, corruption, and incompetence so long. The chance to make the world better by removing several of the individuals that made it bad, the chance to get a measure of justice for those that had fallen in the last war, the chance to put right the fact that too many killers had walked free.
"I also got enough dirt on several other members of the Wizengamout that they're not going to be voting for anything I don't want them to be voting on," Lily chirped. "Careless of them to have such compromising material so easy to find."
"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that, shall I?" Amelia suggested dryly, trying her very best not to let any amusement color her tone of voice.
"By the way, In completely unrelated news, I don't think we'll have any trouble getting that budget increase passed," Lily finished with a wink.
"But I'm sure I liked the sound of whatever it was." Amelia lost the battle and allowed a giggle to escape her lips. "Damn good work, Lily. What do you need to finish things?"
"For you to look over my work to make sure I'm not missing anything and a dozen of our largest and meanest to make the arrests," she answered instantly. "Three more investigators and half a dozen of our most sadistic after that."
"Done. Why do you need the second group?"
"It's long past time I took a look at Hogwarts."
"Don't trust Reg to do it?"
Lily snorted. "Don't trust anyone that isn't me when we come down to it. Reg is a lovely man, a good investigator, a fearless warrior."
"But not producing results fast enough," Amelia agreed. "I'll let him know that you'll be there shortly to back him up."
Lily's lips pursed in annoyance.
"Well?" Amelia prompted.
The other woman let out a slow breath. "Fine, but I want another half dozen to be standing by in case I need to get nasty."
"Done. We'll add them to the ones Reg already requested."
"Oh?"
"He's nearly as upset about what happened as you are," Amelia stated. "As am I for that matter."
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius was in his study enjoying a rather nice port after a morning romp with a muggle unfortunate enough to have strayed a bit too close to the manor. His lips twisted into a cruel smile as he contemplated ending the festivities. No, he decided, why not let nature take its course on this one. Be fun to see how long it would last before it finally succumbed.
The man took another sip of his port, this was the life. To be one of the powerful, the important, those above the petty considerations of lesser beings.
The man raised his glass for another sip and the world went white. Accompanying the flash was a blast that deafened him. Unable to see or hear, Lucius managed two stumbling steps before collapsing into a heap. The victim of a dozen stunners.
IIIIIIIIII
The look on Lucius' face after they woke him and put the manacles on him was one Lily would treasure to her dying day. With a mental note to have it immortalized so that future generations could appreciate her triumph, she went about the work of directing the teams her old partner had sent to search the place.
They found Lucius' unfortunate victim almost immediately. There was a lot magical healing could do, but even with all its advances it would never allow the poor soul to walk again without the assistance of a mechanical aid. After taking the child's statement, she directed her team to arrange a memory wipe and a story. Victim of a hit and run, an anonymous donation would later be made to cover all medical expenses and enough to cover many years of living expenses and education. It was the very least the magical world could do for the unfortunate child that had been victimized by one of their own.
IIIIIIIIII
The look on Lucius' face when they dragged him into lockup and past the cells containing the Minister and a dozen or so of his political allies was something Amelia would treasure for the rest of her life. Disbelief warred with outrage with horror with fear, she got to enjoy the whole spectrum. Amelia decided on the spot to buy a pensive, several of the other Aurors on scene decided the same. Three of the reporters made enough selling copies of their prints to double their pay for the week. Of the two dozen arrests they made that day, Lucius' was the most popular, but only by a small margin, just barely edging out Fudge's. In a flash, the face of the Wizengamout had changed and with it the government.
"Perkins!" Amelia called out.
"Boss?"
"Have the guard doubled on the prison and have a dozen sent to Hogsmead to back up Flint."
"Yes, boss."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry followed Luna down a maze of magical alleys he'd never had so much of an inkling of before. He'd only known of Diagon and it's less reputable cousin, perhaps he could take the time to explore them all at some point in the future?
"And we've arrived," Luna announced proudly.
Before them was a shop that appeared to be, paradoxically, both new and covered in years of grime at the same time. Two large security trolls flanked the door as the brightly lit blinking sign alternately promised 'live nude girls,' 'live nude men,' 'you got the gold, we'll show it to you with its clothes off.'
"Come on, Harry!" Luna said in excitement.
"We're going in there?"
"Yes, why?" the little blonde looked at him oddly.
"It doesn't seem like the place blokes get taken to by their girlfriends to," Harry admitted.
"You're basing that on?"
"Molly Bloody Weasley," Harry cursed. "Sorry, you're right, I'll try not to make that mistake again."
"Not your fault she's such a prude," Luna consoled her boyfriend to be.
"Thanks for being so understanding." He offered his arm. "Shall we?"
Luna took it. "We shall."
They were greeted by what Harry assumed, based on the heavy layer of makeup, to be a female goblin.
"What can I do for you, dahling?" the 'female?' goblin asked, licking 'her?' lips and giving Harry a look that promised untold carnal delights.
"A private room," Luna replied, handing the goblin an envelope. "Two hours using that."
"Of course," the goblin said with a sultry wink. "This way."
"Why are you staring?" Luna whispered.
"I'm trying to figure out if that goblin is a she," Harry whispered back.
"Why do you care?" Luna asked, sounding honestly curious.
"Oh." Harry paused. "Right, never mind."
The goblin led them to a private booth with a leather couch on one side that took up almost half of the space facing a window large enough to take up most of the wall.
"Enjoy yourselves," the goblin said over its shoulder as it stepped out.
They didn't have long to wait, after a couple minutes in the dark the music started, the lights came on, and a familiar figure began dancing on the other side of the window.
"Just because we've decided not to do anything until we're both emotionally ready is no reason not to let you know what you have to look forward to," Luna explained. "And, um-"
"Yes?" Harry pulled his eyes of the now topless figure to regard the girl next to him who was, to his surprise, bright red.
"Can I have a couple of your hairs?"
"Sure," Harry agreed. "It's only fair."
Luna harvested a couple Harry hairs and opened the door to hand them to the goblin who had been thoughtful enough to wait in the hall.
"Incidentally," she said as she rejoined Harry on the couch. "I believe I've discovered the point in which our realities diverged."
"Oh?"
"Your mother approached Regulus Black shortly after Sirius was kicked out of the family. He tried to hex her for being a mudblood and, after beating him quite soundly, she told him that despite being an idiot he was still Sirius' brother and by extension James' brother and by further extension her future brother-in-law and that she would be there to help him after he realized what a bloody idiot he was being by joining the bloody purists. Then she hexed him a few more times to drive home what a bad idea trying to hex her had been."
"So he did? Go to her, I mean."
"Yup. Became the Aurors' man on the inside, just like Snape was Dumbledore's." Luna snorted. "They call him 'the-hero-on-the-inside.' The public is convinced that he pretended to be a purist all along so he'd be recruited."
"Oh."
"He was able to get enough warning out after Voldemort learned of the prophecy so that a dozen aurors were waiting under the heaviest wards they could put up in six hours. Voldemort did not survive."
"Better for everyone."
"Except Voldemort, one presumes," Luna agreed.
AN: Unless you're dating Luna Lovegood, polyjuice strip clubs are probably not good places to go on a date. Actually, strip clubs in general are likely bad places. One chapter left, may write a sequel if the mood strikes.
Mistake noted by Ordieth
Typo by Eric Oppen
Omake: The Old World
The grizzled old Auror shook his head as he looked over the crime scene. It was ugly, one of the uglier things he'd ever seen happen to a man.
"I almost made it," Flitwick whispered. "I could have beaten it"
"What happened?"
"I'd managed to put enough distance between us to draw my wand and prepare a spell." Flitwick coughed, blood dying his lips red. "I got through the first flick, but I couldn't feel my wand channeling magic the way it normally does so I pushed in more." A shudder racked the Professor's body. "I felt a spell break as it transfigured itself back into its original form. I . . . I was so surprised to find myself holding a mummified horse penis that I didn't even think to start running again."
"There's been a lot of this sort of thing happening lately," the Auror said with false calm. "A whole hell of a lot."
"Like what?" Flitwick asked. "I need something to help take my mind off . . . off what happened."
"Someone filled Gringotts with treacle. Goblins are homeless and finished."
"Can't they dig the tunnels out?"
"Looks like the same someone emptied out all the vaults first. Goblins don't have the resources to dig it out themselves and no one that does is motivated to help them."
"Damn."
"Back to the main subject. You done anything that might have gotten you on the wrong side of Harry Potter or Luna Lovegood?"
"More what I failed to do, I'm afraid."
Omake for Chapter 4 by ntkaavya13
Already frustrated with the morons that were called Aurors these days, Amelia was signing the mounds of paperwork that had to be done. It was all worth it, she thought, if her brother's killer could finally be brought to justice.
"Just the fine lady I was hoping to see this fine evening, Amelia," came an oily voice from the door that instantly put her on the edge.
"Malfoy," she said with so much ice it could freeze lava itself. "How may I help you?"
"Oh I was just passing by the halls, and thought a tea with a lovely maiden would be in order, to finish an already excellent day at the Ministry. The Minister was quite gracious to grant me an entry, lucky me."
She wasn't fooled for even a second, of course. No, she already had escape routes running in the back of her head.
"I'm quite busy as of now, Mr Malfoy. Could we have this meeting at a later date, perhaps?"
"That won't be necessary. Have one of your underlings sign the paperwork." He waved an unconcerned hand towards her desk.
Now something really was fishy.
As she was about to try yet another excuse, she heard another voice from the door.
Sirius Black entered the room with as much grace as a novice at a Chinese restaurant.
"Amelia!" he cried, "Aren't you ready yet? We were going to the beech today, didn't we?"
Oh how much she loved him, at that moment.
"Paperwork came up, Sirius. I was just finishing it before being interrupted by Mr Malfoy."
"Oh." He looked up to Malfoy as if he hadn't already known. "Are you done here, Malfoy?"
He sneered, and said, "This doesn't concern you, Black."
"Well then, chop chop Malfoy. Can't you see we're busy people here? Perhaps next time you'll schedule an appointment."
Malfoy was visibly disgruntled, but slowly went out of the door. "I'll remember this, Ms Bones." Was his parting comment.
"See that you do," Amelia said as the door closed.
She pounced on Sirius. "You. In bed. Now." she growled.
Sirius gave her a cocky grin even as he held her, turning on the spot. With a nearly silent pop sound both of them vanished.
End omake.