Warnings: semi-explicit suicidal thoughts, bullying, suggestions of possible mental illness, mention of torture, lots of kissing
Disclaimer: I don't own KHR
The Little White Rose
The rose of all the world is not for me.
I want for my part
Only the little white rose of Scotland
That smells sharp and sweet—and breaks the heart.
-Hugh MacDiarmid
X X X X
"Mama, why can't Tsu-chan stay with you during the day anymore?" she asks. She's holding her mother's hand tightly, afraid of everything and everyone. The world is muffled now, and for that is all the more terrifying. Her heart clenches in pain around the fluttering of anxiety, but she can't remember why.
"It's time for you to go to school! Everybody your age does it!" Her mama looks down and smiles at her, but Tsuna is not reassured. She's so, so, so scared, but there's something digging at the back of her mind. What is it? "You'll have more fun here than with your boring old mama at home!"
Her class is pretty big, since there's only four kindergarten teachers. They sit her next to another girl. The girl two seats in front of her has nice orange hair. Maybe Mama was right, and school would be fun. No one with orange hair could be bad, right?
"Alright, everyone! I'm your teacher for this year, Honda-san!" the lady in front smiles agreeably. She is much taller than Mama but her face is big and kind. "Why don't we all move to the mats and sit in a big circle? Then, we can all introduce ourselves!"
"Hello, I'm Honda-san! I like the color green and teaching children like you!" Honda-san introduces herself. There's a boy named Toshiro who likes dinosaurs, and Hana likes to read, and Takeshi likes baseball. Eventually, they get to her.
"H-hi! Ts-tsu-chan likes, um, u-" There's a great, cold emptiness inside of her. What does she like? Does she like anything at all anymore? What did she used to like? "Ummm," she starts to sniffle and fat tears fill her eyes.
"Oh, dear," Honda-san says.
"Hey," the boy nexts to her leans in to whisper. "You're kinda dame, aren't you?"
'Yes,' she thinks. 'Yes, I'm dame.'
Tsuna blinks and the tears roll down her cheeks, but when she opens her eyes she is in a large room. She gasps.
"Ok, fine! That was a go-"
X X X X
She's in second grade. She sits down for lunch, alone in a courtyard filled with other children. Alone in a world made for people with friends. Hesitantly, a boy sits across from her. He's a new student; he doesn't know that she's dame. Still, she offers him a shy smile and he beams in response.
"Hi, I'm Kagami! What's your name? Do you want to be friends? I think you're really pretty!" he says in a rush. Tsuna blushes; he seems so nice.
"Hi, I'm-"
"DAME-TSUNA!" is shouted from behind. A larger boy and a group of his friends gather around them. The boy who shouted wraps his arm around her neck loosely in a mockery of friendship. Tsuna can feel tears burning at her eyes. She swallows and looks down. "What are you doing to the new kid? Indoctrinating him into your weird club? Oh, wait, to have a club you have to actually have friends!" He takes her open bento box and turns it upside down, stepping the upturned contents into the dirt.
"Listen, can you play baseball?" he addresses the new kid. Tsuna wonders what trait she has that makes these people hate her so much. Plenty of kids are average like her, why is she the one picked on? "We need an extra player."
"I-I like baseball, but-" Kagami is interrupted by the boy pulling on his arm. He tries to make eye contact with her but she doesn't turn until he's much farther away. She sees Yamamoto Takeshi in the distance, watching her with a blank look on his face. When he feels her gaze, he looks away and forces his face into a wide grin for the kids coming up to him.
She walks to the trees where she can sit and read undisturbed. She can still feel his emotionless eyes on her, but ignores him and the hunger in her gut.
Tsuna gasps.
X X X X
She's in sixth grade now. She's not at school at the moment but it's gotten much worse lately. Before the girls used to ignore her, but now they actively hurl sly insults at her any moment they can. Which is usually most of the day not during lessons. The teachers don't stop any of it; they hate her too. She's failing most of her classes. What's the point in trying if she's still dame anyway?
She's in the bath, fully submerged in water. Looking through the water to the ceiling, Tsuna wonders how long she can hold her breath before she passes out. Even now, her lungs burn, fighting against her to inhale. She thinks about breathing in the water, how it would feel to have her lungs filled completely with something heavier than air, how she wouldn't even be able to scream. And then she sits up.
The bathroom is comfortingly lit, like everything in her mother's house. The bubbles from her shampoo glint from the bath water's surface, achingly strange and beautiful. Reaching out with a pale finger, her eyes watch and gleam golden as one popped under her touch. Underneath the rainbow jewels, honey hair curls softly in the soapy water, long enough that it was almost unmanageable. Tsuna thinks fleetingly about reaching into the cabinet, taking scissors, and chopping until she has no hair left at all.
Instead, she balances on her heels and stood, feeling her wet hair stick to her skin. She shifts, pushing it off of her arms to gather at her neck where she rings it out carefully. She catches herself in the mirror and her chest burns. Her eyes dart away hurriedly. What use does the world have for a dame like her?
Tsuna gasps.
X X X X
When Tsuna finally got her warmth back, she had a bottle of sleeping pills in her night stand. She lied to her mother and her doctor, looked up the symptoms of insomnia. She held that bottle of pills a lot. Sometimes she would even open it. Then, she would hear her mother's footsteps on the creaky floorboards and she would put it back in the drawer. She was meditating that night, but her heart wasn't in it. She just stared at the pills.
If it was gonna be any night, it was gonna be tonight. She opened the bottle.
Tsuna gasps.
X X X X
There were hundreds of other visions, maybe thousands more. In the end, it was just her and Mukuro again. Not even the room was there, it was only darkness. They stood fifteen feet from each other. Tsuna felt pathetic, her breath rapid and her eyes tearing.
"I hope you understand now," he said. "That whole ordeal lasted seconds for me. I could have killed you anytime I wanted. That is the power of an illusionist." In a split second, the lights of tens of fires flickered into existence. The darkness disappeared, but did not reveal the room they used to be in. Instead, they stood in a rich ballroom, surrounded by people dancing in fine clothes. When she looked down, Tsuna was also wearing an elaborate ballroom gown, the color of blood. She looked up and she was alone in the middle of the dance floor.
"May I have this dance?" came a voice from behind. Startled, she turned and music started to play. Mukuro stood bowed there, dressed in a beautiful dark suit. Tsuna could feel her heart stutter with apprehension.
"I suppose so," she replied. He took her hand and lead her into a slow waltz.
"You must understand why this is happening, right?" he leans to murmur in her ear. "The mafia are scum. I understand that you don't live in Italy so you don't understand the connotation, but the mafia are the worst of the worst. Men, women, and children live in fear of them. It's not cool; it deserves to be eradicated."
"For someone who has been inside my mind, you don't know anything about me." She looks up to meet his eyes. "Even for someone who isn't really told about the atrocities of the mafia, I know it isn't all fun and games. I don't really want to be a part of the mafia at all.
"But if I have to, then...then, I'll change the mafia for the better. The Vongola was once a vigilante group; I'll make it like that again! When the government or other familigias do something unjust, I'll make sure we step in. I don't know what the mafia did to you, but as the Vongola Tenth, I would stop it from happening again."
The music stopped and everything around them froze in time.
"Your words are empty." Mukuro's visible eye was hard. "You don't know what happened to me. Even if you changed the Vongola, who's to say that in thirty, fifty, a hundred years it doesn't change back to a bloodthirsty monster of an organization? Let me tell you something, Vongola, my goal isn't to kill you." Tsuna quirked an eyebrow in surprise.
"I'm going to possess your body. Everyone will think that you defeated me and saved the day, but you'll be tucked away in a corner of your mind, unable to speak or move while I'm in control. You'll have to watch as I kill your friends and family members off one by one with your hands. Then, I'll destroy the Vongola from within and every other mafia famiglia with it!" His hands tightened around hers.
"Why does murder have to be the only option!" she cried. "I've seen how man can be cruel, but that doesn't mean that change is impossible! We can change the system; we don't have to destroy it!"
"You have not seen the cruelty of man!"
For a moment, their surroundings changed to a laboratory. There were scientists talking over the dead body of a child while other children watched in cages. There was blood everywhere. "...failed attempt...possession bullet…"
The lab flickered out of existence, back into the murky blackness.
"You weren't supposed to see that."
"What happened to the men who- who did-"
"I killed every scientist in that laboratory. The famiglia doesn't exist anymore."
"I can't blame you for that. In fact, I'm glad for it," she said. "But eradicating the entire mafia is not a solution. In fact, I don't think it's even possible. New groups will always form, and you are just one man. Y-you could help me! To change everything! I'm in a position where I can do that, where I'm obligated to do that."
Tsuna gasped.
She was back in room. In front of her stood Mukuro in the same position he was in before, but it seemed that Hibari joined the party as well. His tonfas were blocked by a wicked trident. Disoriented, she looked behind her to see Hayato and Takeshi at her flanks.
"Whaaa? How long have you guys been here?" she squawked.
"We just got here, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn spoke over the noise of Mukuro and Hibari's battle. "Question is: what the hell were you doing before we got here?" He cuffed her on the back of the head harshly.
"I was just-" Tsuna rubbed her aching head. "I was-"
At that moment, a great burst of sakura blossoms burst into the air. The effect was immediate: Hibari, already beaten up, collapsed to the floor after a single breath.
X X X X
"Mukuro," Tsuna said as she stood over his badly-beaten form. "You hurt a lot of people who are important to me, but I was willing to work with you. Now, I think it's too late for that." She could feel the newly-formed gauntlets surrounding her hands morph back into mittens. Finally, the threat was defeated.
"Sawada Tsunami-" Mukuro began. Suddenly, chains shot out and wrapped themselves around the Kokuyo gang. When Tsuna looked up, she saw a posse of bandaged and cloaked men towering over the proceedings.
"What?" she exclaimed.
"Vongola Tenth!" the middle one called. "I thank you on behalf of the Vindice for capturing the dangerous criminal Rokudo Mukuro. We will take it from here." Just then, the chains pulled the bloodied forms of the captives to a slowly-forming black void. Tsuna could only watch in horror as their bodies disappeared into the abyss.
"I'm sure these next few months will be...interesting," he continued, before the men stepped into the void as well. Tsuna felt like she was going to vomit blood if the ominous atmosphere wasn't alleviated soon.
"Well, that went better than expected." Then, Tsuna passed out.
X X X X
School on Monday was business as usual. Everyone was super stoked to be there, and Hibari terrorized the innocents in the streets. You could always hear the pained screaming of middle schoolers in Namimori.
The class chattered as usual. A decently sized group gathered around the desk of a pretty girl who had just gotten back from vacation. "So there I was, on an American football field during the Homecoming ceremony, trying not to vomit in front half the population of this small, east coast town-" She was interrupted by the door slamming open.
"I'm back motherfuckers!" Tsuna announced. A lot of students wondered what she meant since the whole Kokuyo disaster had occurred on a Sunday. Reborn said that if she missed school he would burn all her posters (even Patrick Swayze!), and she wasn't that much of a masochist. The class did notice, however, that she had some impressive bruises and a scabbed-over cut on her temple. (Reborn did not catch her when she passed out.)
"What happened to you, Dame-Tsuna?" jeered a boy a couple rows back.
"Wisdom teeth."
X X X X
"WOOHOO! BASEBALL! GO TAKESHI-KUN! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GAME WORKS BUT I AM SO EXCITED!" Tsuna cheered. She sat on the stands next to Gokudera as the baseball team played one of the last games of the season. From the field, Takeshi looked up to her and grinned. "Oh, this is so cool!" She smiled and rested her hand on the bleacher. Beneath it, she felt something warm and rough.
"Hmmm?" she looked down and saw Hayato's hand under hers. Slowly she raised her head. Hayato was a mess, face red, quivering with wide eyes. "Oh! I'm so sorry Hayato-kun! I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me!" As she began to lift her hand, it was gently but feverishly grabbed.
"Yo-you could never make me uncomfortable, Tenth…" he said quietly. Tsuna smiled and moved her hand so it was grasping his gently.
Takeshi stepped up to the plate and breathed out slowly. He glanced to the stands and saw Tsuna smiling down at him encouragingly. The pitcher threw a fastball. One...Two...Three...Crack! Takeshi hit a homerun!
After the game ended (with Namimori's victory, of course), Takeshi exited the locker room to see Tsuna and Hayato waiting for him. Tugging at the collar of his jacket, he smiled at them, flushed and pleased.
"That was sick as hell! You, like, hit the ball and stuff and I got to learn what a homerun was from the old lady sitting next to me, and…" Tsuna trailed off, looking somewhere off to the side.
"Tsuna? What is it?"
"It's nothing, I guess. I just thought I saw something…"
Ahead of them, a young boy's eye slowly bled a glowing scarlet.
X X X X
"Is there usually a beach episode in Shounen manga?" Tsuna asked quizzically, turning the brochure over in her hands. While she reads it upside down, Reborn is posed forebodingly over her shoulder. "I mean, my main genre is adventure, right? Right?!"
"This isn't a beach vacation, Dame-Tsuna." Reborn cuffs her on the back of the head. This time is much more gentle than usual. What could be so awful that Reborn isn't trying to kill her? "We're going on a trip to Mafia Land."
"Oh! Then, no. I decline."
Somehow, Tsuna found herself on a large boat with practically everyone she knew.
"Hibari-senpai shouldn't even be here!" she insisted, gesturing wildly to the boy mentioned. "What will happen to Nami Chuu? A revolt?! The apocalypse! Oh my god, the continuation of The Big Bang Theory after it's scheduled finale?! We have to get back!"
"Tetsuya can handle a long weekend by himself." Tsuna felt a screech bubbling in her throat at the sudden sound of Hibari-senpai's voice, but closed her eyes for a second and held it in. 'Don't make any noise or sudden movements, Tsuna,' she told herself. When she opened her eyes, however, she was alone, living the suite life on deck.
'Now that I think about it, 'deck' is a really weird word, right?' she thought as she entered her room and pulled a light, white dress over her head. It fell a little above mid-thigh, but it was just a pull-over for her swimsuit. She left her room and locked the door. You can never be too careful on a boat of mafiosos! 'Deck, deck, deck, deck, deck. D-E-C-K? D-'
"Tsuna-chan?" called a voice over her shoulder. "What are you doing out so late?" She turned to look, but it was only Takeshi. He was right, the stars were out and the deck was completely deserted. What time was it? After midnight, probably.
"I...I wanted some fresh air, I guess." She turned to him fully. To look him in the eyes, she always had to crane her head up because he was so much taller than her. The night was dark and silent, hovering over them like a cloak. The moonlight reflected off of Takeshi's eyes. In Japan, there was so much light pollution that the stars weren't nearly as bright as they were here, on the open sea.
"I'm glad that it's just the two of us here, because I wanted to talk to you about something," he said.
"Well, alright...Go ahead," she said. With a furrow in his brow, he took her hands in his loosely and held them between their bodies. Takeshi's hands were large and calloused from baseball and swordplay. They enveloped hers warmly.
"Do you remember the day I found you and Ryohei on the sidewalk?" he asked. Tsuna had the sudden urge to soothe her nose from a jolt of phantom pain. Still, she nodded. "Well, before I noticed your nose-" again, Tsuna resisted the urge to wince "-I felt really weird about you and Ryohei together. I didn't realize why until later on. I wanted to be that close to you because I like you."
"Takeshi-kun, you are close to me. You and Hayato-kun are my best friends," she said.
"That's not what I mean. Like, close, but in a different way. I like you as more than my best friend." At this point, Tsuna had a choice to make. She could act oblivious and stupid by saying 'like your very best friend?' or something equally as banal, or she could actually face Takeshi's feelings as someone he cared about. Being oblivious was overrated long term.
For a moment, she simply looked into his eyes. Then, she slipped her hands from his, placed them on his broad shoulders, and tugged so that his face was a more manageable distance from hers. Looking into his warm dark eyes, she knew something and felt something more identifiable and proactive than she had ever felt in a situation like this one. Usually, these things were sudden for her, but Takeshi had actually talked to her about his feelings before he made any sort of move.
Tsuna stood on her toes, leaned in and pressed her lips to his.
There's a reason people kiss. The lips are sensitive; they have a lot of blood vessels close to the surface of the skin. That's why they're pink in color. Pressing lips provides a lot more sensation than touching calves or something. You don't have to have heard about or seen kissing to kiss, it's instinctive.
For Takeshi, kissing was obviously a natural talent. After he had gotten used to the sensation, he seemed to experiment with method. Fairly soon, he found that this position was not optimal for a prolonged amount of time. Gently, his hands found the back of Tsuna's thighs and he lifted her carefully. Instinctively, her legs tightened around his waist and her arms circled around his neck.
Suddenly, Tsuna felt ravenous.
Her legs constricted around his waist and her upper arms dug into his broad shoulders. Her mouth opened and she licked his lips. Surprised, Takeshi opened his mouth in a gasp. Her tongue swirled around his. She reached her leg until it caught behind his knee, and in a moment they were on the floor. That was probably an abuse of Reborn's training.
At the thought of Reborn, her mind cleared a little. Her skin still felt hot, but she could think about things other than...
Oh no! She separated herself from Takeshi in a split second, rolling off of him and onto the hardwood. Her face burned. "I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed, mortified. With her head in her hands, she ran off into the night, leaving behind a bewildered Takeshi.
"Reborn, open up!" she whisper-shouted, knocking quietly but incessantly at his door. Suddenly, the door next to her opened, revealing a shadowy figure wearing striped pajamas.
"I'm the next one over, Dame-Tsuna." Reborn smirked. Tsuna squeaked, looking at the door she had been abusing with wide eyes. Yikes.
"There's no time for that!" she pulled him into his room and yanked the door closed. "I was gonna eat Takeshi-kun!" she exclaimed.
"What does that even mean."
"Well, me and Takeshi-kun were on...deck," she took a moment to giggle. Reborn looked at her like she was crazy, but she didn't have time to explain. "Anywayzzzz, he was like 'I like you' and I was like 'I want to be the guy this time' so I kissed him, but it wasn't like that time with Ryohei-kun or that time with Hibari-senpai. Like, I could not physically dominate him enough. I really felt like I was just gonna eat his face off or something! Isn't that worrying?"
"No, it is not."
"Whaaaaat?! Am I a flesh-eating demon? Is that what you've always worried about telling me!" She pointed her finger accustively at him.
"No?" he said. "Listen, it's perfectly normal for flame-active female skies to exhibit behavior like what you just described. You're about the right age for this to start happening. Most female skies experience a need for control in bed and also a higher libido than what is usually normal. That's why it's perfectly acceptable and even encouraged that they have multiple partners."
"I-I'm-" she struggled. "I'm going through magical puberty?!"
"Think of it as a sexual renaissance, if it makes you feel better."
X X X X
Tsuna's Vacation Highlight Reel! *。 ﾟ* ヾ( ゝз・)ノ
I can't bribe people for shit! Fatality!
Reborn has a blonde friend! Who knew? Cool stuff!
We stopped Reborn's other friend from invading Mafia Land! Victory!
I'm pretty sure I illegally worked as a lifeguard! That's worrisome!
No one died! Victory!
This concludes Tsuna badly summarizing her own life events. Come back next time!
"Alright, everyone! Not only is this a poetry recital, this is a PSA. I'm glad we have more of a turn out this time, word must really be getting around. Unfortunately, my stuffed animals and posters could not be here this time since we are on a boat," she announced. Reborn sighed. In the crowd, Hayato, Takeshi, and Ryohei watched curiously. Hibari sat, annoyed at the crowd and at life. "This is called: I am becoming a recluse now."
I am becoming a recluse now
because I am going through weird magical puberty
or a sexual renaissance,
whatever floats your boat.
But anyway, goodbye everyone.
I will now shut myself away
so I don't eat someone if they kiss me.
Catch me playing Mario Kart.
Oh, wait, you won't because
I am now a shut-in.
"I actually think I'm getting better at these!"
"Yes, Dame-Tsuna the tie-in at the end was very nice. But, I told you this was a perfectly normal experience for female skies and you don't have to become a recluse. Also, you're not going to eat anyone!" Reborn slapped a hand to his forehead. "The Eighth was a female sky as well and it was very accepted that all of her children had different fathers."
"I think I'm just going to die now," she said, melting to the floor sadly.
"What's going on?!" Hayato screeched impatiently.
"Weird sky puberty, idk."
"A biological process in which-"
Tsuna and Reborn said at the same time.
Tsuna looked at the clouds and tuned out the rest of Reborn's explanation. That one looked like a dog. That other one also looked like a dog. There was also that other one, the dog. That one was a dog's head, but with the body of an elephant. Now all the clouds moved so they were little fishies in the ocean of the sky.
"Reborn, can I have a support-fish when we get home?" she asked. No one answered. When she turned her head to look at her poetry recital crowd, it consisted of a silent Reborn and four shocked teenage boys. Even Hibari's eyes were slightly widened, which was a big deal.
"Reborn-"
"No, Tsuna, you don't even like fish," he said. "You once went on an hour-long rant to me about how fish are one of the most useless of all the pets. I can't believe you forgot you did that."
"I don't know maybe I was asleep?" she said. "But then, that would be my most inner and honest interpretation of pet fish...You're right, Reborn. I'll never have a pet fish till the day I die!" She pondered for a moment. "What kind of pet should we get then? A cat?"
"Tsuna, I don't think we'll have to worry about that for very long at all."
A/N: Lmao that was a lot.
Thanks to everyone that followed, favorited, and reviewed. Love u all a lot. Writing this was hard bc I had a lot of tests this week and my chem teacher is actually insane. So, yikes! Wish me luck lol.