Present

The beeping of a monitor resounded through the room.

"He lost too much blood, his brain shut down. We did some tests and we can confirm that he's clinically brain dead."

Alex saw Ben sitting on the sofa his head resting on his hands.

"He needs time…"Ben explained.

"I hear his guardian will be coming to discuss his future…"

"His future?"

"If she consents to donating his organs after we pull the plug." The doctor answered, his tone unchanged. It was surreal that the man was talking about him but with his own body lying on that bed, Alex had already conceded to it. "How to get back…" He looked back at his mother.

"It was your choice to leave Alex. This wasn't some freak accident where your soul is forced out when your body becomes too crushed and mangled to hold on to it. Your body is still alive and kicking. It's still calling out to you to come back. You left because a part of you wants to die. That's why I came down here to see you. You need to find that one thing that will push you to keep living."

"Keep living..."

"Think of your present. Think of your future." Alex sat down on the bed. Why not my past?Alex looked more closely at his mother. She was right. A part of him did want to die. That feeling came in waves, stronger after missions and long hospital stays. Life had become hell, with every mission and every death he had encountered, he had felt like he was descending another circle and he had wished many times that the many people who had tortured him and tried to kill him had succeeded. It would have ended the pain. If she was there though, if his father was there, would he have felt the same pain? "There's no use looking back at the past Alex. Woulds and what ifs don't exist and never will. What's keeping you here?"

His mom and dad were just a memory to him. Memories don't keep people grounded in their life. They're the reason people think of what ifs and would haves, regrets and daydreams. They were a reason he'd want to leave his body in the first place. It would be easier to leave as well. Staying on earth meant more missions, more pain. He thought back to the grief he had experienced, losing Jack, the trauma of seeing General Sarov put a gun to his head. There was no doubt he'd experience something similar if he continued on. As he looked straight into his mother's eyes, he saw the pleading in them. It wasn't what got him into considering the present though. He had heard the muffled breaths though but as he looked back at the sofa behind him, he saw Ben, eyes red rimmed. "Dying means leaving the burden of a loss, grief and guilt to someone else. Your pain has ended but someone else's will just get worse." His mother said.

Without turning back to her, Alex exited the room. Ben crying was something he has never seen before and his heart wrenched at the scene. Going out though, he didn't prepare himself for anything else.

"No. You're kidding…" A familiar voice echoed in the corridors. Alex followed that voice almost instinctively Jack?

"We weren't able to save his life but we'll be able to save many more with those organs."

"If you take those organs, Alex is dead… for sure…"

"He's dead already." The doctor said.

"No he's not! You said before! He's still breathing! His heart is still pumping!"

"It's the machines doing the work. We're going to need fresh working organs for donation."

Alex watched as Jack, looking all the more tired and stressed from a 6 hour plane ride, put her face on her hands.

"And what if I don't agree to this?"

"We respect your decision. We keep him alive with the machines as long as you think he'll still wake up from that coma but remember, this is already against medical advice."

"Give me time." Jack stood up and held her arms closer to herself as she read the room numbers one by one, stopping at one of the rooms.

Alex followed, only to catch Ben holding out his hand to Jack in greeting, Wolf following suit.

"Alex was a great help. The mission was a success, the son of the ambassador was rescued alive, safe and well. We couldn't have done it without him but… about this, we came to his rescue…"

"I don't care about the mission. I came here because I wanted to know that Alex was okay." All three went silent. What kind of consolation can you give to anyone knowing Alex wasn't okay and the last few days of his life have come down to a question of who to give his organs to. Even Alex who had watched from the sidelines couldn't help but feel somehow nauseated that in less than 24 hours, he was transformed into a bag of living and working organs to be distributed around.

Jack had asked for time, Ben and Wolf had also agreed on that extra waiting time, none of them wanting to quit their vigil by Alex's bedside whether by obligation, guilt, grief or a mix of all three. Mrs. Jones was set to arrive the next day and she was to give the final decision on what to do with Alex's body. Alex had settled himself beside Jack who was embracing herself the whole time, probably trying to find solace in the whole situation. She had been crying since last night and Alex knew her enough to know this was the only way she could prepare herself for having to deal with legal matters and papers after and god knows what she planned to do with Alex gone. To pass the time, Alex had counted the five times Ben stood up and went out of the room, coming back with a new cup of coffee. His mother sat by his bedside also bent on hearing the final decision. If the plug gets pulled and organs get redistributed, his death becomes nothing more than a freak accident, his body too mangled for any soul to get back in. Sometime that morning, as the sun was about to rise, Alex felt somehow drawn to his own body. He stood up, walked toward it putting his hand on top. It was neither warm or cold. Actually, Alex was too focused on what he was seeing to actually form his own opinion on the temperature of his body.

A phone buzzed. For one or two minutes, it continued to sound in the silent room before Ben got up and went outside to answer it. "Miracles can still happen... Give him a week tops... This isn't an easy decision to make…" Alex couldn't hear the conversation from outside but he could guess who Ben has been talking to. Soon after the phone call ended, he pressed his hand on Jacks shoulder, waking her up. "Mrs. Jones is on her way here. You gonna get ready?"

Jack shook her head silently, her eyes not leaving the young teen in front of her. "What's she going to do? There's no one debrief-able here."

"It's not about that…"

"Then what is it about? You can't expect Alex to go on another mission can you? You can't expect him to give you the details either…"

"It's the medical-"

"I know I know I know…" Jack didn't continue, or she couldn't. By then she was crying, it wasn't those silent tears that Ben had shed only a few hours ago. She was struggling to breathe, every last piece of strength was her screaming, her hiccuping, her punching the wall.

Soon enough, Wolf was awake too, watching yet ready to intervene when necessary.

Alex touched his body again. If that could make her stop, he would get back into his body.

"You understand now? You work in the present, towards the future. The past is gone and done." Helen said as she put one cold arm around her son.

"I get it already, get me back into my body." If Alex was in his body, he could have been shedding tears. The Jack he was seeing made him want to go back, sit up and put his arm around his best was powerless though as he watched.

Only a few minutes later, Mrs. Jones had arrived. Jack was still a mess, with no time to recover from her own breakdown. Mrs. Jones though did not comment. "Good work team. And as always, Alex was indispensable." Her voice was too nonchalant and Jack could have imagined that Alex was awake listening to the quick debrief. She paused for a while and Jack could see that unsureness in her eyes. "And the organ donation.. "

"Mrs. Jones. Give him a week." Ben said.

"We're in Cairo, the maintenance of this will cost money."

"Money which we have." Wolf added.

Mrs. Jones put her hand up as if to silence the two. "It is money we definitely have. The ambassador, our client offered to pay for the maintenance this week, the least he could do for Alex, the one member of K-unit his son won't stop talking about."

"Where's the kid right now?" Ben asked.

"Recovering as well. They're celebrating their own holidays in South Africa but believe me, he's been raring to go and see Alex. Whether or not he gets to see Alex will be up to me. I just can't bear for him to see Alex in this condition." Mrs. Jones said, her eyes doing a once over of the boy on the bed

"No one should have to see Alex like this." That was Jack, her voice weak. "The boy sends his regards though. His whole family does. They wanted to send over a card, maybe even award him a posthumous-"

Jack slammed the wall, using it as leverage to get up and she walked out of the room. She was walking slowly yet unsteadily. Mrs. Jones knew to stay silent as she watched them go.

"Posthumous? He's not dead." It was only when Jack left the room did Ben continue.

"Ben please. I know it's hard to lose a teammate but you are going to have to move on from this eventually. I'm feeling the loss myself but this is our job and-"

"This is our job? This wasn't Alex's job."

Mrs. Jones could see that the blame had shifted to her with that last statement.

"Give him week. Enough time for the boy to meet Alex. Enough time for Alex to decide whether he wants to die on us or not."

That last statement may have been just simple decoration to his persuasion or it could be that Ben had felt Alex in the room, somewhere inside Alex or outside Alex, his soul was vacillating whether to get back in. It was a hard decision. He wasn't in pain, he was freely moving. The body in front of him is a prison, his in particular would be if he went back in. He was connected to how many tubes, he was only put together by bandages in his chest and the doctor had said, even if Alex woke up, there would be a lot of maintenance to follow. He had even told Mrs. Jones that Alex would be out of commission for almost a year with proper rehabilitation. Alex knew what that meant. If he was not fit for spying, he wouldn't be fit for a lot of his other personal activities whether it be soccer hiking or surfing. With his body that much of a mess, Alex almost wondered what they were planning to salvage for organ donations.

Seeing them coping with his loss was hard enough as well. Jack was tough to watch that Alex was terrified to find out how she'd handle that actual loss. It was 2am when he had watched and listened her conversation with Tom over the phone. Wolf and Ben had gone back to the hotel room in Cairo MI6 booked for them. Eagle and Snake had gone back to England to handle the debrief with Crawley. Mrs. Jones had booked a hotel room as well her guilt and accountability apparent in her choices. Jack didn't bother. There was a sofa there and Alex knew that her booking a room would have been a waste seeing as she was restless in her sleep.

"I don't know… it's been a week... I'm sorry Tom… I honestly wished too you could have seen him one last time. He told me himself, he thought he would be back my Christmas…" Jack explained apologetically. In the end, it wasn't her fault though, Alex was the one who put off telling Tom about his plans leading up to Christmas. He could hear the screams on the other hand. His best friend wasn't handling this well either. He felt his mother's arm on his shoulder. "You want to pay Tom a visit?"

Alex closed his eyes and the next thing he saw was Tom in his bedroom alone. Tom was staring at his phone. It looked like had just ended the conversation with Jack. The clock read 12am. He looked over Tom's shoulder as the latter silently scanned through articles on brain activity and organ donation. He had snuck glances at Tom's face to see that they were almost unfeeling. Alex couldn't pinpoint the exact moment Tom snapped. He hadn't expected either.

"Alex you bitch!" Tom threw his phone against the wall. Alex flinched instinctively at his best friends reaction and silently watched as he knocked over everything on his side table soon after. He didn't bother to pick up the lamp, the phone or the laptop that had fallen or maybe even broken. Tom was attached to his phone. Alex could note that Tom always kept his phone by his bedside and that was why he would always reply to Alex unless he was dead asleep already. Tom pulled the comforter over himself and Alex could hear the muffled screams from under.

With that, he turned back to his mother and returned back to Cairo.

"Alex… The ambassador wants to send some reparation money, millions of pounds worth. That house in Chelsea… They're giving it to me if you die… I could sell it for a good price in the market. Enough for me to go back to DC and start fresh, even pursue a passion. I could maybe find a guy, fall in love. I don't know… What do you think? I mean I have to move on right?" It was a subtle movement but Jack had squeezed Alex's hand a little tighter. "It's a lot for money Alex but I don't want the fucking money..."

"Alex. They're waiting for you." Helen took his hand and placed it on Jack's. "I'm your past. They're your present. Go home Alex." Loss and grief always comes in waves as Alex had learned over the years. It was neither a tsunami or a river of emotions though. Alex likened it to walking along the shore. Some waves were strong, strong enough to pull Alex in on bad days, others tickled his feet, brushed against his ankles, easy to shrug off on good days. That was Ian's death, that was Jack's death as well. The loss Alex as his mother's hand disappeared from his felt like a 5 foot wave that him in a split second. He closed his eyes soon after, willing himself to forget that moment of uncontainable emotion. The waves pulled back everything with them. Everything was black and the memories of that night faded into nothing but a feeling, maybe a sliver of a dream.

If Alex hadn't fallen unconscious, he would have loved to see the next few moments unfold. The hand under Jack's had twitched under its weight and squeezed back. A voluntary response. Alex was alive.