It isn't easy to be Thorin.
No beta, feel free to apply.
The morning brought trouble with it. A restless change skinner. Thorin was determinant not to show worry and to follow Gandalf's lead. With Orcs behind them they really needed an ally. But he wasn't really confident they'll get one in Beorn. Thorin folded his hands to prevent them from picking up his sword. His dwarves watched him closely, they weren't far from picking up axes and charging at their host. That would in any situation be bad manners. And Thorin still had those, manners, or at least some of them. In his long exile many of his manners were replaced for more sensible solutions, he had to adjust to living outdoors without his court or privileges.
When Gandalf invited Master Baggins to greet Beorn first Thorin signalled him to go. If anyone could contribute in calming big skin changer that was his polite face.
They watched Gandalf as he introduced them and hid dwarves hurried out as instructed. Thorin stayed behind hating the process, the courtesy they have to show, the theatre, he hated their lack of protection, their mountain brought them that. So when there was time for him to exit he paused knowing that just showing his face could turn Beorn's mood to hostile. When he had a face of a prince, reputation of orc slayer and no wealth, or crown for show, he was only bringing trouble with him on the table. He hated that. That was the reason why retrieving King's Jewel was so important. He could threw it on the table of Dwarfish kings and they would have to listen to his words and follow his lead. This was they could just ignore him as a young prince who waits for his elders to return and start to make decisions. His people were outcast even among dwarves because he couldn't influence dwarfish decisions in any way.
He exited and Beorn growled at him as expected. They were invited by the table all the same, Beorn had manners too even if he had no kin to share those manners with. While other ate Thorin stood aside with his arms crossed not willing to partake in hospitality that can turn vile in any moment.
Beorn talked expressing his own troubles, addressing dwarves as selfish, greedy and uncaring. Thorin stood through all that still because there was no other way, he had no pride he could defend here. Besides how other races saw dwarves was their own business, Thorin knew his dwarves for what they were, proud, resourceful, loyal and kind. If others gave nothing but distrust and prejudice towards them why would they give anything better in return?
"I hate Orcs more" he concluded his speech finally "tell me what do you need."
Thorin didn't jump for joy. It was help, but it was reluctant help to less of the two evil. He took it but he doesn't have to be thankful for it. He'll take what it was offered and be off in his way as soon as possible.
He overlooked his dwarves as they gathered supplies when he noticed small figure venturing around the corner of Beorn's house. Curse him and his hobbit's curiosity. Now it wasn't the time to wander off exploring. They'll be leaving soon and Thorin had no time in waiting for him to return. Everyone else was busy so Thorin left himself after small hobbit.
When he was behind the house he wasn't in sight. There was an outer fence in the back so he couldn't get far. Thorin ventured further in and finally spotted Master Baggins on the other side of oak tree. He just stood there stalling so Thorin charged towards him to usher him back to others, but when he approached him Thorin froze in his tracks.
Master Baggins face was lifted up, shadows from the leaves danced around his face as he smiled gently. His face was open and bright, he threw one glance at Thorin not changing his expression, not lifting his guard and then looked back up, Thorin stared at his face not wanting to miss anything.
"The oak is so breathtakingly beautiful" said the hobbit simply and Thorin thought he never thought anything about his name could be made beautiful, it was an awful memory, the battle, the blood, the dead, his defenceless attempt to fight, that broken oak tree, but suddenly here he stood bright as sun admiring the live oak overshadowing that other memory. "I've seen nothing like it" he concluded and Thorin had to agree.
"Nothing" he barely managed to say it thinking of this face before him, can anything be so beautiful and stay real, can he really be so true.
Then the awful thing happened. Master Baggins closed his eyes, his caring eyes and just stood there, before Thorin without any defence, exposed to his mercy and Thorin got frightened. He was afraid of himself because he wanted to crush this hobbit before him, to squeeze him until his bones shatter from his embrace.
Thorin put his hand on hobbit's shoulder to bring him to his senses, to make him open his eyes, lift his guard, remember before who he's standing.
"Don't do that" he said keeping himself fiercely to the last strand of his self-control.
"What? What did I do?" Master Baggins did open his eyes but only to look even more real, even more at hand. "I only admired the view" he said not backing away looking straight at Thorin and Thorin's insides started to burn and hurt from the urge to close the gap between them and lose his senses. He tried to fight it so he put his other hand on hobbit's shoulder to steady himself, to prevent his hands form grabbing the small body near.
But Master Baggins didn't cooperate. He didn't get scared by Thorin towering over him, he didn't back away, made a joke, he did nothing to lift his guard, to defend himself. No, he did the worst he could. He lifted his hand and put it on Thorin's cheek stroking his beard. Thorin couldn't help himself but lean into his touch. When was the last time anyone touched him like this, gentle and caring, it was a weakness to indulge it but Thorin was weak, he couldn't break free. Soon he was surrounded by hobbit's hands stroking his hair like he's someone gentle and small, like he's ordinary man with ordinary desires.
"This can never be" Thorin forced himself to voice out although he was unable to move away from Master Baggins gravitational field, it was too strong as he kept looking steadily at Thorin's eyes.
"Of course it can't" hobbit smiled gently looking like someone to adore for his beauty. "I'm sure it's not happening at all, I'm just dreaming again" he said lightly and Thorin whished it could be true, but it ached Thorin too much to stand this close to him and keep his ground for it to be anything but real. "I'm probably sleeping again from some herb and you'll find me soon sleeping."
"Why would you dram of me?" Thorin asked as he felt his resistance falling, his body started to tremble from the strain to stay upright. "Why would you dream of this?" of them two entangled and lost for the world.
"Isn't it a beautiful dream?" asked Bilbo simply and Thorin knew he won't be able to resist much longer. "You and me like this" Thorin noted that Bilbo was now closer, their bodies almost touching. "Like there is a freedom to just like someone, to just find them breathtakingly beautiful, to desire them?" Thorin had to agree that it would be a beautiful dream because in it there wouldn't be this pain that came with desiring, but this wasn't a dream.
"No, it's terrible" Thorin made his last attempt to push Bilbo away with his words when his hands didn't listen to him. "It makes you forget where you're off to, and why you must persist" Thorin had a hard time remembering why he had to stay strong, why he had to march on, why can't he just forget his duty and live. "It lures you like a fairy into the woods to be sacrificed to ancient gods" the ones who kept score of duty, dignity and family pride, who would get mad when someone would abandon his kin.
"But what a sacrifice it would be" Bilbo the hobbit dismissed his warnings and just claimed him, just pulled him near like it was his right, like Thorin couldn't crush him with his crude hands.
As Bilbo's lips touched Thorin's he lost all sense of reality. Maybe this was a dream because hobbit's lips were so sweet, so gentle, his hands tentative, his body yielding, not resisting Thorin's grip that tried to press him closer. But the pain persisted in Thorin's chest. He wasn't the one to keep this kind of beauty for himself, he was the one who received only pain and perils, who fought and resisted, not the one who caressed. He forgot how it is done, he was too harsh, too raw, his desire was too wild to tame. Even the kiss, the light caress made him wild from desire to devour, to possess every inch of him. That's why it was enough just one touch beneath his clothes, one the skin that forgot how the caress feels like to send him over the edge, to make him feel like he could tear Bilbo apart trying to get a release from pain. Envisioning the outcome made him finally break free and push Bilbo away.
"No!" he cried out trying to get to his senses. "This can never be! I'm not…" he was not controlled enough to trust his hands, to trust himself.
"I know. Not mine to hold or touch" answered Bilbo like he could ever understand how wild and uncontrolled, how hostile Thorin can be, like he could ever be simply touched without repercussions of pain. "I'm sorry I thought this was a dream. I usually wake up if I try anything real."
"Don't dream of me! I'm not…" he's not the one to be gentle or loved. But even crushing Bilbo against a tree didn't make him falter, didn't put a fear in his heart, he just stood there waiting. Like he is willing to be sacrificed to anything Thorin could think of. His lips were so near, he was so sad, Thorin wanted to comfort him, he wanted to be that gentle person who could to that, just be there still, but he wasn't. That made him able to finally let go and moved away.
Distance made him sober up, think straight. This was just temporary madness, Master Baggins will surely forgive him moment of weakness. He surely wouldn't be able to forgive if he wasn't able to pull out.
Thorin still wasn't able to divert his gaze from hobbit's face, he wanted to see understanding, release, something, but he refused to give that. Instead he closed his eyes leaned against the tree truck Thorin pressed him against. It was like he was pinned there to be truly sacrificed to gods. More so, it was like Thorin was invited to sacrifice him himself.
"You shouldn't do that, lower your guard like that" Thorin tried to reason with him "anyone could aim you."
"You're here. You're on the guard" he refused to take on responsibility to guard himself against Thorin. "I'm useless in a fight anyway."
"You're not useless in any sense! And maybe you should be afraid of me!" Thorin couldn't take the look of his exposed face, calm and peaceful, like he expect of Thorin to claim him for real.
"No. Not you, not ever, I'll never fear you" he shook his head determinant to keep his dream of Thorin, the one who could be called beautiful, who could be caressed without feeling pain.
"I'm not…" he was not able to be the one careful enough to have a privilege to hold him with care that is required. "I'm not the one to admire to, I'm not worthy to be admired" he finished knowing it to be true. This battered, angry, harsh version of himself isn't something worth priding in, isn't someone worth holding near.
That finally made him divert his gaze and go. He knew who he was in this reality, what was the real version of him. He was a warrior and his name said it. It wasn't a live oak to be admired to, it was dead, battered shield that was used only to escape death long enough to get his revenge, to get his ancestors peace. That knowledge made him focused again. He had his task before him, there was no time for pretence that he's still prince in his caves used to admiration and awe, used to privilege to just be still. He got up on his horse and they were off. There was no need in looking at Master Baggins. No matter what his dreams of him were, what kind of Thorin he envisioned, he wouldn't like this real version of him, harsh and unforgiving.
Well, sorry Thorin isn't cooperating. We'll see what the forest will bring.