Culpability
Chapter Four
"How did the exercise I gave you go?" Stan asked. "Did you two have any good discussions?"
"I don't know." Rebecca shrugged, not looking over at Harvey. Instead, she focused her attention on one of the books behind Stan's head.
"Well did you do it?" Stan asked. "Did you sit facing each other for ten minutes a day and just take turns talking?"
"It was awkward." She explained. "And to be completely honest, we gave up on it a couple of minutes into the exercise."
"It always is awkward at first." Stan reassured her. "But then it gets easier the more you do it."
He sighed. "I don't see how that is supposed to help us solve our issues."
"Harvey…" She chided.
"I just don't get it." He laughed. "We talk a lot during the day. Why should we do it like that?"
"I think the point is to let everything else in life fade away and just focus on us." Rebecca explained, looking at him and then Stan. "Isn't that right?"
"That is part of it." Stan nodded. "Another part is to create a safe space where you can both tell each other anything."
"I thought that was what these therapy sessions were for." He argued. "Aren't you supposed to be the safe space for us?"
"You just don't get it." Rebecca sighed.
"No, I don't." He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Since you are apparently a gold star therapy student, why don't you explain it to me?"
"You know, Harvey, if you don't want to be here then why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing." She shook her head and turned her head back towards Stan.
"No. Go ahead. Finish your thought." He insisted.
"Alright. Fine." She looked back over at him. "You told me at Louis' wedding that you would do anything to try and fix us. You said you would come to therapy with me."
"And I'm here." He pointed out.
"No you really aren't." She sighed. "Your body is here but you heart and your mind are somewhere entirely different."
"What do you want from me?" He asked softly.
"I want you to try. I want you to take this seriously. I want you to care about this." She replied before turning her attention back to Stan. "Is there a different communication exercise you could tell us about that we could try instead? Maybe one that Senor Grumpy Pants over here will actually be willing to do?"
"Now Rebecca, I'm not sure name calling is the most effective way to deal with your frustration." Stan warned.
"It's not name calling." She rolled her eyes. "It's my new pet name for him."
"Well that's just charming." He rolled his eyes.
"I'm sensing tension between the two of you that wasn't here during your first session." Stan noted. "Did something happen?"
"No." Harvey replied quickly. "We're fine."
She scoffed, causing her husband to look over at her. "Fine? You really think we are fine?"
"Yeah, I do." He nodded.
"If we are fine, then why are we sitting in Stan's office?" She questioned.
"Because you think that we need to be here." He blurted out.
"See?" She said, looking at Stan and pointing at Harvey. "This is why we haven't been able to make any real progress."
"That's not entirely fair to say, Rebecca." Stan reminded her. "This is only your second session. Every couple makes progress at different rates."
"But he doesn't get it." She complained. "He sees this as a chore, something to get through in an attempt to pacify me." She looked over at Harvey. "Am I wrong about that?"
"What else am I supposed to see it as?" He scoffed. "We could be doing this at home by ourselves instead of sitting here twice a week."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again…you just don't understand." She sighed.
"And I'll say it again…why don't you explain it to me?" He sighed.
"Alright. That's enough you two." Stan raised his voice to get their attention. "You two are now bickering, which you weren't doing during the first session. So does someone want to tell me what happened since then? Because something clearly happened."
Rebecca sighed and shook her head. She wasn't going to be the one always volunteering the answers. Harvey needed to speak up too. She stayed quiet and then looked over at him. He was being just as stubborn about this as she was. As much as she wanted to remain stubborn, she also wanted to get Stan's help on this. So she sighed again. "Harvey thinks I feel suffocated by him."
"Because that's what you said!" He chimed in.
"I never used that word." She defended herself. "Never once did I use that word."
"You might as well have." He scoffed.
"You can't put words into my mouth." She told him. "It's not fair."
"I think we are past fair." He whispered.
"What did you actually say?" Stan asked.
"I told him I didn't think we needed to be joined at the hip." She explained. "Every time I turn around, he is there. I'm glad he is around more, but I don't need to be around him 24/7."
"Which means she thinks I am suffocating her." He interjected.
"I don't think that is what she meant." Stan said.
"Thank you." Rebecca sighed in relief. "It's not what I meant."
"Fine." He scoffed. "Take her side."
"There are no sides, Harvey." Stan informed him. "We are all on the same side…the side that wants to get your relationship to a stronger place."
"I didn't realize we were weak." He rolled his eyes.
"Ugh!" Rebecca groaned.
"What now?" Harvey questioned.
"I just wish you would take this seriously and actually try!" She exclaimed angrily. She then looked at Stan. "The thing I dislike the most about him is the way he can shut down when you try to get him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do. And despite what he told me, he doesn't want to do this."
"Well you aren't perfect either!" Harvey yelled. "Why is it that every time we come here it turns into an hour of 'Let's blame Harvey for everything that has ever happened or will ever happen'?"
"I know I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to blame you for everything." She argued.
"You could have fooled me!" He scoffed, looking over at Stan. "It's every single Goddamn time. There hasn't been a single session where she doesn't air at least three grievances she has with me."
"This is only our second session." She pointed out.
"But it has happened both times." He told her.
"Now Harvey, I don't know if that is an accurate representation of what is going on here." Stan said in a calming voice. "Rebecca is clearly just trying to get everything out there on the table so we can address it together. If there is something you would like to address about her or your relationship, you can and should feel free to mention it. But may I point out that Rebecca has been the only one to bring up any issues. You haven't been very forthcoming with things in these sessions. Why do you think that is?"
"Because I'm tired of her railroading me here." He said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I'm not trying to railroad you." She said calmly. "I'm simply expressing my feelings, which is what I thought was the whole point of coming here. I also thought you were going to do it too. But you haven't been."
"Just another thing I'm doing wrong." He sighed.
She sighed. "Harvey, I'm not trying to blame you for everything."
"In order for you two to work past everything that has happened, you must be able to communicate openly." Stan told them while looking at Harvey. "If you aren't willing to talk, then these sessions are a waste of everyone's time and we should just stop right now. I can't help you unless you are both willing to take a good look at yourselves and your relationship."
Harvey looked over at Rebecca, who was fidgeting in her seat and playing with her wedding ring. She was right. He had promised to come here and do the hard work to make their relationship better. But so far he was letting his own personal comfort come before her desire to make their relationship whole again.
She wasn't trying to hurt him or vilify him. He understood that and only said it because he was frustrated. But it wasn't the truth or even how he really felt. She looked hurt and angry. He knew he had to make this right.
The only way he could do that was to go out of his comfort zone and really open up to Stan. It wasn't going to be easy for him but he knew it was what she deserved and needed. Now was the perfect time for him to step up and prove to her that he could take this seriously.
"Ok. I will try to do better about not getting so defensive and also about opening up." He promised.
"Very well then." Stan nodded. "Let's start now. Rebecca has said that your ability to shut down and shut her out of your life caused her great sadness and also made her angry. What do you have to say to that?"
He sighed. "I say that my shutting down wasn't about her at all. It was my own way of being able to cope with everything that was going on. I was completely overwhelmed at the time. And I realize now that I shut her out too much and for too long. But at the time I thought that it was my only choice."
"Can you see how that might have made Rebecca think the worst?" Stan asked.
"Absolutely." He nodded. "I know it wasn't fair to her. I know she had her own stuff she was trying to deal with at the time. I know she wanted to lean on me but I wasn't there for her. And I know that she has every right to be angry with me for the way I treated her."
"Why do you think your first reaction to everything going on was to shut her out of your life?" Stan asked.
"I don't know." He shrugged.
"Harvey…" Stan sighed. "You had to have known that shutting her out of your life would hurt her. Yet you did it anyway. Why do you think that is?"
"I don't know." He said. "It was an unconscious decision."
"I think you do know." Stan pushed.
"Alright. Fine." He scoffed. "I was worried she would leave me because it seems like everyone always leaves and I thought it would be easier if I pushed her out of my life before she could do that to me."
"Harvey…"
He was looking down at the floor but felt Rebecca put her hand on top of his. So he looked over at her.
"I love you and I'm not leaving you." She promised. "You have to start trusting that."
"But look at everyone in my life who has loved me but still left. My dad, Katie, Marcus…at some point my mom is going to die. Everyone leaves." He pointed out.
"And you think Rebecca will leave you?" Stan asked.
Harvey looked over at Stan. "I know she will at some point."