Culpability

Chapter Five

"But look at everyone in my life who has loved me but still left. My dad, Katie, Marcus…at some point my mom is going to die. Everyone leaves." Harvey pointed out.

"And you think Rebecca will leave you?" Stan asked.

Harvey looked over at Stan. "I know she will at some point."

"Why do you say that?" Stan asked.

"Because look at everyone else who has left me. Half of my family is gone."

"But those were people dying. It isn't the same thing as someone leaving you." Stan pointed out. "Are you afraid that Rebecca will die?"

"No." He shook his head. "I mean I'm always a little afraid something bad will happen to her, but I'm mostly afraid she will just leave me…that she will walk out of my life and be gone forever."

"That's not going to happen." She assured him.

He looked over at her. "I know you say that. But there have been so many times I haven't been fair to you…so many times I have treated you horribly. One of these days you will get tired of it. You will see that you deserve better than me and you will leave."

"You really think that?" She whispered.

"I know that." He sighed, turning to look at the carpet. "Believe me, I don't want it to happen. I'm dedicated to doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't, but I still deep down believe it will happen. Maybe not soon, but eventually. It's part of the reason why I've been trying to spend so much time with you. I want to make up for the time I lost with you while I was grieving Marcus and I'm also trying to soak up as much time with you as I can before I lose you."

There was silence in the room for several minutes.

"Harvey, is this a new fear you have or something that you have feared for a while?" Stan asked.

"I've feared it for a long time." He answered, feeling the couch shift. He saw Rebecca get up and walk over to the window with her back to him. "But it's gotten worse the last few weeks since Marcus' death."

"Rebecca, do you have anything to say to Harvey about what he just confessed?" Stan asked.

"I don't know what to say." She replied in a quiet voice.

He saw her bring her hands up to her face and realized he had made her cry. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Now he felt like an ass.

When she turned around he saw the confirmation that she had been crying. She had wiped the tears away but her eyes were still lined with moisture.

"Rebecca…I didn't mean to make you cry. I just…"

"No." She interrupted him, her voice stronger now. "It's my turn for a moment."

"Ok." He relented.

"I know that you are afraid of people leaving. That's why you don't like to let people in to see the real you. You have these tiers of vulnerability that you place people in and the tier they are in corresponds with how much you truly let them in. And it's damn near impossible to reach the top tier. I like to think that I'm in the highest tier, that you let me in the most."

"You are." He assured her.

"I don't always feel like it." She confessed. "But that's a separate issue for a different time. My point with this is that I love you. I always have and I always will. It's not going to change and the only way I'm going to leave you is if you truly don't want me anymore."

"And that's never going to happen." He promised her.

"Then you are never going to lose me." She smiled.

"But you…" Before he could finish his statement, she crossed the room and knelt down in front of him. She took his face in her hands and started kissing him.

She pulled away and sat next to him on the couch again. "Harvey…I know that you are afraid of the Specter curse but you don't need to be."

"Specter curse?" Stan interjected.

"It's something that I started to wonder about after my brother died." He explained. "The men in my family…they all lose their families in one way or another and then end up alone."

"And you think this was because of some curse that makes it impossible to be happy?" Stan questioned.

"When you say it like that it sounds stupid, but yeah." He nodded. "I feel like eventually it's all going to crumble down around me and I'll be alone."

"Is that why you pushed Rebecca away for so long?" Stan asked.

"It's a big part of the reason." He admitted. "I thought it would be easier if I left her before she could leave me. Because if she ever left me, I'd be devastated."

"What do I have to do to prove that I'm not going to leave you?" She asked. "We're married. We're having a baby together. We're raising your niece and nephew. We're partners at the same firm. My life is completely entangled with yours and I don't want it to be any other way."

"I can't guarantee that I won't lash out at you again or that I won't push you away again." He explained. "I could promise you I won't but the truth is I'm not confident I would be able to keep that promise. And eventually you will see that I'm just not worth it."

"Harvey, what I'm hearing is that you…"

"Shh!" Rebecca silenced Stan, holding her finger up to reiterate that she wanted him to be quiet.

"Harvey, you aren't perfect. I know that and I understand that. As much as I hate it when you shut me out, I know realistically you'll never completely stop that. I know you can figure out a way to stop doing it as much, but there will still be times you shut me out. I know you will still lash out at me, although I hope the frequency turns to rarely. You're going to hurt me and I know that going into this. Our relationship will have ups and downs. I'll anger you and you'll anger me. But that's part of marriage. We deal with the good and the bad together."

"But…"

"No." She shook her head and interrupted him. "I need you to hear me when I say this and really understand it. Harvey, you are worth it. You are worth experiencing the ups and downs of a relationship. I don't know how else to explain it but you are everything to me. When I thought you were leaving me I had to go to therapy to try and deal with it. That should tell you everything you need to know right there about how much I love you. I have absolutely no intention of ever leaving you."

"But…"

"No buts." She smiled. "I know you can't promise you will never hurt me. I can't promise I will never hurt you either because we can't predict the future. All I'm asking from you is that you promise we will try everything possible to fix anything that goes wrong between us and that neither of us runs away."

"I can do that." He nodded.

She smiled. "Good." Then she turned to Stan. "Sorry. You can continue with whatever you were going to say."

"Honestly I don't know if I really need to now." Stan chuckled. "I think you two are handling this very well."

"See?" She chuckled. "We can both be gold star therapy students."

He couldn't help but smile at her.

"So Harvey, how do Rebecca's words make you feel?" Stan asked.

He looked at her and grabbed a hold of her hand. "I feel lucky. I have an amazing woman in my life who understands me and puts up with my shit."

"May I make a suggestion?" Stan asked.

"Ok." He nodded. "Go ahead."

"Well I know Rebecca told you that she has been coming to see me for solo sessions. I wonder if you might benefit from coming to see me for solo sessions as well. Given what you have told me about this Specter curse, I think we need to delve into your abandonment issues a little deeper." Stan explained. "Is that something you might be open to?"

She looked over at her husband. It was something she had suggested to him before and he was hesitant about it.

"You actually aren't the only one to suggest that." Harvey chuckled. "I didn't think I needed it earlier. But maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world though."

"We can at least try a couple of solo sessions and see how it goes." Stan suggested.

"Ok." He nodded.

She couldn't help but smile at his acceptance of going to solo therapy. She truly believed it would not only help him but also their relationship. It was a big step and she was proud of him.

"Wonderful." Stan smiled. "Now…let's talk about some strategies both of you can use when you are arguing or feel like the other one is trying to run away."

That night, Harvey stood in the doorway of their bedroom, watching as Rebecca got changed into her pajamas. She had her back to him so she wasn't aware that he was there. Today's therapy session was intense, but he couldn't help feeling optimistic about things. They got a lot of things out into the open.

He wasn't thrilled about going to therapy alone, but Stan and Rebecca were right to suggest it. It wasn't normal to be so worried about people leaving his life and he needed to get it under control better before it ruined everything. He also needed to deal with his grief about Marcus. Right now he was simply burying it deep down so that he could function every day. But he was smart enough to know that it would catch back up with him at some point.

And it wouldn't be pretty when it did.

He saw Rebecca turn around after slipping on her Harvard pajama shirt.

"So you are turning into a voyeur now?" She asked with a grin on her face.

"Only with you." He crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her waist.

She sighed deeply. "It's been a long day."

"Yes it has." He agreed. "That session was exhausting."

"I agree." She nodded. "But I am so proud of you."

He couldn't help but scoff. "Why?"

"Because you opened up to Stan today. You talked about your fears and your vulnerabilities, which I thought was going to take you a lot longer to do. But you surprised me today in a good way. And then you also have agreed to go to therapy for yourself. So I'm proud of you."

He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm sorry you still think I might leave you. But I am not going anywhere."

"In my heart, I know that." He told her. "I just apparently need some help to get my mind to believe it too."

"If there is anything I can do to help you with that, just let me know." She smirked.

"What exactly did you have in mind to help me?" He chuckled.

"Just this or that." She shrugged. "Although most of the things I can think of include one or both of us having far less clothes on."

"Perhaps we should take a test run of a few of these things." He smirked. "Just to see what they are and if they might help me."

She laughed and kissed him. "I think that can be arranged."