Culpability

Chapter Six

Harvey opened the door for Ethan, letting him go into the gym first. It was Saturday afternoon and he had brought Ethan to the gym for some guy time. Thankfully the gym wasn't too busy today.

"Why did you drag me here?" Ethan questioned.

"We are here because I am going to teach you how to box." He replied.

"Why would I want to learn that?"

He could tell that Ethan was hesitant about boxing but he still thought this was going to be a good way to try and break down some of the tension between them. "It will be fun. Besides, your grandfather taught both me and your father how to box. We were about your age when we started. I think it is time someone teaches you."

"Dad knew how to box?" Ethan asked.

He knew now that he had Ethan's attention and smiled. "Yeah. He knew how but he wasn't very good at it because he never practiced or took it seriously. Let's see if we can teach you to be even better than him."

"Alright." Ethan nodded with a slight smile on his face.

"What kind of cookie are we going to make today?" Rebecca asked Olivia as they stood in the middle of the kitchen. Since Harvey was out with Ethan on a mission to bond, she decided that she would stay here with Olivia and bake cookies. That way when the guys came home they would have a delicious snack.

"Can we make the chocolate chip cookies with the frosting that my mom always made?" Olivia asked. "Please?"

She didn't know what to do because she didn't have that exact recipe. She looked over at her niece. "Sweetie, I would love to do that, but the problem is I don't have the exact recipe. I know which one you are talking about though. Would it be ok if we made a modified version of it?"

"I guess so…as long as it has chocolate chips and icing!" Olivia replied after thinking about it for a moment.

"It definitely will have that." She promised. "We could even put some sprinkles on top too!"

"Yes!" Olivia cheered. "I love sprinkles!"

"Ok." She saw Lily enter the kitchen and smiled. "Hey. Do you want to help us bake cookies?"

"Oh no thank you." Lily shook her head and went to the fridge. "I just came in to get a bottle of water before I go take a nap."

"Are you ok?" She asked.

"Yes." Lily nodded. "But I had treatment yesterday and I'm just a little extra tired. I'll be fine after a nap."

"Ok." She nodded.

"Wake me up when the cookies are ready though." Lily smiled. "I'd love to have one when they are still warm."

"Ok!" Olivia chimed in.

She watched as Lily left the room and wondered if she should be worried about the woman. Lily was usually tired the day after a treatment, but not usually to the point where she had to take a nap anymore. She decided to check in with her later and headed to the pantry.

"Aunt Becca, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure you can." She said as she reached into the pantry for the ingredients they needed.

"When you have the baby, will they be my new brother or sister?"

She froze, grateful that she had her back turned to Olivia at the moment. That question caught her off guard and she knew she had to think fast. "Why would you ask that?"

"Well you and Uncle Harvey are like our new parents, right?"

She turned around and put the ingredients that were in her hands on the counter before sitting next to Olivia. "I can see how you would be confused about this. It is confusing. Uncle Harvey and I are acting like parents to you, and we love you like you were one of our own. But we aren't your new parents. We are your bonus set of parents."

"What's the difference?"

"Well…your mom and dad are always going to be your mom and dad."

"But they are in Heaven." Olivia pointed out.

"Yes, they are." She nodded. "But they will always be your parents. You know that game you like to play on your iPad sometimes with the candy and jewels?"

"Yeah."

"You know how sometimes when you finish a group of levels you get to a bonus round?"

"Yeah."

"Well Uncle Harvey and I are like bonus round parents to you and Ethan." She explained.

"Oh…ok." Olivia smiled. "That makes sense."

"Good." She was relieved about that.

"But you didn't answer my question. Is the baby going to be my brother or sister?"

"Technically it will be your cousin." She explained. "But since you are going to be raised together, I guess you could call them your brother or sister if you really want."

She wasn't sure that was a good idea or not. Normally that would be the kind of thing she would want to run past Harvey and get his opinion on. But she had a feeling Olivia wanted an answer now instead of waiting.

"Ok!" Olivia exclaimed happily. "It would be nice to have a younger brother or sister. I don't want to be the youngest anymore."

"Ok." She was glad that Olivia was happy with her answer. "Let's get started on these cookies."

"Remember, you're right hand is going to be held closer to you since that is the hand you write with. That right hand will be the hand you punch after jabbing with your left hand."

"Like this?" Ethan asked, hitting the punching bag with his left hand a couple of times before punching it harder with his right hand.

"Exactly!" Harvey smiled, clapping his hands together. "That's exactly right. Good job! You're doing great."

"This is actually kind of fun." Ethan chuckled, doing it again.

"It is." He agreed. "It is also a good way to get any frustrations out in a safe way."

"Ugh. Have you been talking to Aunt Becca about me?" Ethan groaned.

"Yes, a little. But only because you won't talk to me yourself and I want to know what's going on with you."

"What did she say?"

He realized that he needed to tell the truth and make sure that Ethan knew Rebecca hadn't spilled any of Ethan's secrets. "The only thing she told me is that you might be feeling frustrated."

"Well wouldn't you if you were me?" Ethan scoffed.

"I certainly would." He nodded. "Do you know what I do when I get really frustrated?"

"What?" Ethan scoffed again. "Abandon your family?"

"No." He was surprised by Ethan's candor, but he wasn't mad. He stayed calm and gave no real reaction to the comment. "I actually come here and punch this bag while naming everything I am frustrated with."

"And that helps?" Ethan questioned.

"It does." He nodded, seeing the skeptical look on his nephew's face. "There is something very therapeutic about punching this bag and letting everything out. Do you want to give it a try?"

He watched as Ethan looked at the punching bag and then at his hands. Finally he looked over. "Ok. I can give it a shot."

"Go for it." He encouraged.

"Ok." Ethan held his hands up in the beginning stance. Then he landed a punch on the bag with his left hand. "That's for having to move here." Punch. "That's for leaving my friends and school behind." Punch. "That's for having to start all over at a new school."

He switched it up and hit the bag with his right hand. "That's for someone killing my mom." He punched the bag again with his right hand, only harder this time. "That's for my dad driving drunk with Olivia in the car." He punched it again, even harder this time. "That's for my dad killing himself like a stupid coward." Hitting it even harder still, he continued on. "That is for you abandoning us when we needed you the most, for not being there for me and Olivia and for making Aunt Becca so unhappy. That's for everything going wrong all the time. That's for things getting worse every time I think things are starting to get better." He then continued to hit the bag over and over again.

He finally had enough of watching Ethan try to destroy the punching bag and grabbed the bag, putting it out of Ethan's reach.

"Why did you do that?" Ethan asked. "I was just getting the hang of it."

"Yeah, you did get the hang of it. You're doing a great job. But there is always a time where you need to stop before you hurt yourself or punch open the bag. I think you could have punched the bag open."

"Geez. I was just doing what you suggested." He pointed out.

"I know." He nodded. "Let's take a break though." He motioned for Ethan to join him off to the side. "I guess I didn't realize how much you are frustrated about or the level of your frustration." He sat down next to where he dropped his gym bag earlier.

Ethan just shrugged his shoulders as he sat down too.

He pulled out two bottles of water and gave one to Ethan. "I knew that you had to be frustrated about everything that has happened with your parents. And I knew that you were frustrated about the way I treated Aunt Becca. I saw that clearly in your face and have heard it every time you talked to me lately. But I guess I didn't realize you felt abandoned too."

"Yeah, well…I'm a Specter." Ethan pointed out. "We don't like to talk about our emotions like that and shouldn't talk about it to other guys. At least that's what dad always said."

"With all due respect, your father was wrong." He pointed out in a quiet voice, causing Ethan to turn his head and glare at him. "We should be talking about it. We should be talking about everything. I know you feel closer to Aunt Becca than to me and I don't want to intrude on your relationship with her. But I want you to know you can talk to me too. If the guys in this family did more talking about our feelings, maybe it would have made a difference with your dad."

"Maybe." Ethan admitted. "Now you sound like Aunt Becca though. She's been trying to tell me the same thing for weeks now."

"There are worse people to sound like. She's one of the smartest people I know so I will take that as a compliment." He grinned before turning serious again. "I'm sorry you felt like I was abandoning you."

"It's ok." Ethan shrugged.

"No, it really isn't." He shook his head. "That day you lost your dad and I lost my brother. Both are powerful losses and neither one is greater than the other. But I'm the adult and I should have been able to put aside what I was feeling in order to be there for you, your sister, your grandmother and your Aunt Becca. Instead, I let myself wallow in my own grief and feelings of guilt for far too long. It wasn't right and although I have apologized to Aunt Becca and your grandmother, I haven't apologized to you yet. So I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for my actions. I truly didn't mean to make you think I was abandoning you."

"It just felt that way." Ethan sighed. "You claimed you would be there for us and then you disappeared. You didn't have dinner with us anymore, or say more than two or three words to us every day. And Aunt Becca was so sad. I heard her crying a few times when she thought no one was around…"

"I know." He nodded. "There is no excuse that is good enough for that. I know I caused a lot of hurt with my actions."

"Why did you feel guilty?" Ethan asked.

He was hoping Ethan wouldn't catch that but he was wrong. Of course Ethan would catch his slip. While he wasn't going to tell his nephew everything, he could tell him an abridged version. "I felt guilty because your dad was my brother. I should have realized the extent of his pain. I should have been there for him more. I should have helped him more and I should have let him know how much he meant to me when I had a chance. He was my brother and I failed him. I let him down in the worst possible way and there is no way to make up for that now."

"Uncle Harvey, he knew that you loved him."

"What do you mean?"

Ethan chuckled. "I used to fight with Olivia all the time. We'd scream at each other for no reason at all. They were stupid fights and I can't even remember what they were about anymore. That's how dumb they were. But Dad would always tell me that I shouldn't fight with her because one day Olivia was going to become my best friend, just like you became his best friend. He was always telling me that I had to be more like you. I had to set a good example for my little sister. I had to make sure I was looking out for her and helping her whenever I could."

"He wanted you to be like me?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah." Ethan nodded. "He wanted me to treat Olivia the way you treated him. He said that was my birthright as the older sibling. He never once badmouthed you, except to say that he wished you hadn't stayed away for so long."

"I didn't know that."

"You never asked." Ethan shrugged.

"No I guess I didn't." He acknowledged with a chuckle. "Do you think we can be ok again? I don't like the amount of distance between us lately. I'd like to be able to talk to you about how your day is or help you with your homework."

He watched at Ethan seemed to be thinking it over.

"Can you also continue to teach me how to box?"

"Of course." He smiled. "I think you are a natural."

"Do you think I'll be better at it than my dad was?"

"I think there is no doubt of that." He chuckled.

"Cool." Ethan grinned.

"So are we ok?"

"We're good." Ethan nodded.

He was relieved that his plan worked.

"Can I hit the bag some more?"

He smiled. "Yeah. You can hit the bag again. Then maybe we should go back home."

Rebecca shook some blue sprinkles over one of the cookies that they had iced. "What do you think?"

"Pretty!" Olivia cheered before picking up the pink sprinkles and dousing her cookie with it. "How about this one?"

"Wow, that's a lot of sprinkles. But it looks good." She grinned. "Why don't you go gently wake up your grandma so she can have a cookie?"

"Ok!" Olivia ran out of the room.

She watched her niece leave and then put sprinkles on the rest of the cookies that weren't done yet. She was just about finished when she saw Ethan and Harvey enter the room. "Hey." She smiled.

"Hey." Ethan greeted.

"Would you like a cookie? They aren't your mom's exact recipe but I think they are close." She explained.

"Sure." Ethan picked one up and started to eat it. "It's good."

"I'm glad." She smiled at the guys. "How was boxing?"

"It was fun. I think we are going to go again soon." Ethan replied, looking at her and then Harvey. "I'm going to go read now though. Thanks for the cookie and thanks for teaching me to box."

"You're welcome." Harvey spoke up.

She waited until she was sure that Ethan was out of earshot before moving closer to Harvey. "So how did it really go? I'm assuming pretty well since it seems like you two are on better terms?"

"It went really well." He smiled.

"I'm glad." She told him before going over to the sink to clean the dishes.

"How did it go with Olivia?"

She turned around and saw him eating a cookie. "It was fun."

While she probably should have told him about the questions Olivia asked, now wasn't the right time.