Culpability

Chapter Twelve

Rebecca woke up and rolled over in bed, only to find that the other side was empty. She frowned because she had expected Harvey to still be sleeping next to her. She sighed, stretching her legs and then her arms. She was about to get out of bed to find him when the door opened. Harvey appeared in the doorway holding a tray. She smiled. "So that's where you went this morning."

"Of course." He grinned. "I figured you deserved breakfast in bed."

"Just as long as it isn't in our bed, right?" She laughed, referencing his belief that they shouldn't eat or drink in their bed back home.

"Exactly." He came over to the bed and gently sat it down for her before leaning in for a kiss. "Good morning." He whispered once they parted.

"Good morning." She smiled.

"How did you sleep?" He asked, putting his hand on her stomach.

"Your kid really knows how to keep me awake at night." She sighed. "Between the intermittent kicking and the heartburn, it's a battle."

"She probably just wants us to know she is there." He reasoned.

"Like I could ever forget?" She chuckled. "And you really think it will be a girl?"

"Well yeah and I have a 50/50 chance of being right." He laughed.

"True." She smiled, picking up her fork and starting to eat some of the scrambled eggs. "Do you want to have a girl?"

"I just want a healthy baby." He explained. "But I think it would be fun to have a little girl who is exactly like you."

"Even though at some point she would grow up and date guys like you?" She laughed, watching his face pale.

"Maybe we should try to have a boy."

She laughed. "I don't think that's possible."

"Yeah. Well if we have a girl, she just won't be able to date until she's thirty."

"Good luck trying to enforce that rule." She laughed harder.

He moved to the other side of the bed and laid down next to her. "So what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know." She replied honestly. "What did you want to do?"

"Well it is very tempting to try and keep you here in bed with me all day." He moved some hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. "But there is a big mall not too far away from here. I thought maybe we could go there and look around. We haven't started buying anything for the baby yet and the other day at lunch Mike was telling me about all of the stuff babies need. Apparently although they are tiny, they need a shit ton of stuff. I still don't know what all of the stuff is or what it does."

She looked at him like he had lost his mind. "Really? You want to go shopping? With me? Are you delusional with a fever? You hate going shopping with me."

"I don't necessarily hate it." He grinned.

She laughed. "Last time you went with me you said, and I quote…'this is the last time I am going shopping with you because I hate it.'"

"Well I didn't really mean it." He laughed. "I just was frustrated because you were trying on dozens of outfits."

"That's what women do when they are shopping for clothes though. We try on outfits because we have to make sure it looks alright and fits properly." She pointed out.

"Fair enough." He nodded. "But this shopping is different because it is for our kid. You can't try things on this time." He placed his hand back on her stomach.

"Ok." She nodded. "Actually I think it is rather sweet that you want to go shopping for the baby."

"I know I didn't act like I cared that much about this pregnancy before. I know you were doubting if I was happy about it or not. But I want you to know that I am absolutely thrilled that you are having my child. And I want to make up for the fact that I made it so easy for you to doubt me before."

"Harvey, you don't have to do anything to make up for it." She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. "It's in the past and it's ok. I know how excited you are about this baby."

He was always putting his hand on her stomach to see if he could feel the baby move yet. Although she wasn't far enough along yet to feel anything, that didn't stop him from trying. He read an article online saying that it was important to talk around them so they could get used to your voice while still in the womb. So he was talking to her stomach at least a couple of times a day. He even circled the date of her next ultrasound on his calendar with a red marker.

So she knew he was happy about this baby.

"Still…" He trailed off. "There is a mall not too far from here. We could at least check it out."

"Sounds good." She nodded before moving the tray and putting it on the floor.

"You didn't like your breakfast?" He questioned.

"I ate about half of it and it was delicious." She said, smiling at him. "But I am actually hungry for something else right now."

He grinned. "I knew I should have gone with French toast instead of pancakes."

She chuckled softly before moving to straddle him. "It isn't about food."

"Well I am always happy to fulfill any and all appetites you may have."

"Good." She grinned and let her hands explore his bare chest. "Because while I think going shopping is a good idea, I also liked your idea of keeping me in bed with you all day. So I think in the interest of healthy compromise, we should do both. We can stay in bed until lunchtime and then go shopping."

He let his hands slip underneath the Harvard shirt she wore to bed. "I think that is a brilliant idea and Stan would be proud of us for compromising."

"Hmm…" She threw her head back as he gently massaged her breasts. "Let's leave Stan out of this right now. But yes, I think he would be pleased. Now let's work on pleasing each other."

"Your wish is my command." He told her.

"I still think we bought way too much." She laughed as they entered the cabin after spending the afternoon at the mall. They decided to leave all of the bags in the car instead of dragging them inside and then having to put them back in the car when they left.

"I don't." He laughed. "And even if we did, so what?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He grinned. "But what exactly are you thanking me for?"

"This trip…the shopping…going to therapy…just everything." She whispered, biting her lip.

He could see the serious look on her face and knew what she meant with that one word. "Hey…" He wrapped his arms around her and brought her closer for a hug. "Everything's ok between us now."

"I know."

"We're not going to let what happened before happen again." He promised her. "I won't let it."

"I won't either." She pulled back and gave him a small smile. "I just, I know you weren't happy about going to see Stan…"

"You were right though." He interrupted. "Seeing Stan is exactly what we needed. And I think that once we get to a certain point, we should continue to see him but cut down how much. I don't think we will always need to see him twice a week, or even once a week. But I think we should eventually get it to a point where we see him maybe once a month just to do routine maintenance."

"Like an oil change?" She chuckled.

"Something like that." He nodded.

"Ok." She agreed. "I think that is a great idea."

"Good." He smiled. "Speaking of great ideas…I had an idea for dinner tonight."

"Really?" She asked. "Ok. What is this great idea?"

"How about we order pizza?" He suggested. "And while we wait for it to be delivered you go soak in a nice bubble bath?"

"I think that is also a great idea."

"Wonderful." He leaned in and gave her a kiss.

Rebecca sat in the tub, surrounded by bubbles. She rested her head up against the back and closed her eyes. Between the activities they did earlier in bed and all the walking at the mall, she couldn't deny that she was tired and her muscles were sore. Somehow Hervey seemed to know exactly what she needed tonight before she did.

While this trip was amazing and she was loving every minute of it, in the back of her mind she couldn't help but think that less than two months ago she was starting to doubt if they would even be together when this baby was born.

If someone had told her that they would be happy again, she would have laughed in their face.

"I think this pizza is great." Harvey said as they ate the pizza on the couch in the living room. He looked over at Rebecca. After her bath she went ahead and got dressed in her pajamas. While her pajamas used to be just his old Harvard t-shirt, nowadays she added in a pair of shorts.

She had been quiet ever since her bath and he was getting worried that something was wrong.

"It is." She agreed, nodding her head as she reached for the box to take her third piece.

"Ok, what's wrong?" He blurted out without any preamble, causing her to look over at him.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been acting weird ever since you came down from your bath." He explained. "What's going on in that brain of yours?"

"Nothing." She shook her head.

"Rebecca…" He put his pizza down.

"Ok." She sighed. "I just…I guess I'm just happy. I'm really, incredibly happy right now. And not too long ago, I didn't think that would happen again. And in some ways I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"What do you mean?"

"Every time we are happy, something comes along and slams us back down again."

"I would agree with that." He nodded. "It does seem like that happens a lot."

"So to answer your earlier question…nothing is wrong." She smiled. "In fact everything finally feels like it is right again. I don't know about you, but I'm the happiest I've ever been."

"I would agree with that too."

"You are very agreeable tonight." She chuckled.

"Of course I am."

"I'm just worried that something is going to happen to smack us back down again."

"It doesn't matter if something does come up." He assured her. "I promise, we will tackle our problems together from now on." He scooted closer to her and leaned in to kiss her. When they parted, he touched the side of her face. "Which reminds me, I actually have a present for you and I think now is a good time to give it to you."

"Really?" She smiled. "You didn't have to get me anything. Just bringing me here was enough."

"I know, but I think you're really going to like this." He nodded, getting up from the couch. He walked over to his jacket and pulled out an envelope before going back over and sitting next to her again.

"Hmm…" She took the envelope from him. "The last time we were here and you gave me an envelope it had my paperwork to be a name partner. What are you up to this time?"

"Open it and see." He smiled.

"Ok." She nodded, slowly opening the envelope and unfolding the papers. "Harvey…no…this is too much."

"It really isn't." He assured her. "I know how much you loved it here the last time."

"But to buy this place? Seriously?" She scoffed.

"It's real estate. It's a good investment." He pointed out. "And wouldn't it be nice to have this as a place we can come to anytime? We can either escape just the two of us or bring the whole family. We could start an annual summer vacation with the kids. Maybe we could even come up in the fall or winter too. You know Olivia would love to run around outside and I know Ethan would love to sit in the window seat on the second floor and read. I'm sure the new baby would love it here too once he or she gets bigger. We could even invite Rachel and Mike too because there are enough bedrooms for all of the kids."

"I'm not debating that it's a good investment because I'm sure you are right." She chuckled. "But this place must have cost a small fortune."

"It really didn't. I got a good deal because I was willing to close the deal quickly." He shook his head. "Besides, it's just money." He took a good look at her face. There was something there he couldn't recognize. "Are you mad I did this without talking to you first?"

"I'm not mad." She assured him. "I think this was an incredibly sweet gesture and I love the fact that you were trying to do something nice."

"Well something is wrong." He pointed out. "If you aren't mad, then what is it?"

"It's stupid." She shook her head.

"No." He argued. "Nothing you say or feel could ever be stupid. Tell me. Please?"

She sighed deeply. "I'm not sure how to say this without it coming out wrong. I love that you incorporated Ethan and Olivia into your plans with this place and how you thought about them as well as our baby. I love that you call us all a family. But…"

"Let me guess. You struggle with the reality of that?" He questioned.

"Yeah." She nodded her head slowly. "Don't get me wrong. I love them so much and I am so grateful that we are in a position where we can take them in and care for them. It would have killed me if they had to be raised by strangers. I just wish they still had their own parents around. I'm not trying to complain about having them around and taking care of them. I'm really not. It's just…it's a lot. It's a big adjustment."

"I understand." He nodded. "Well actually I don't understand the same way you do because you have been doing all of the heavy lifting with them. You have been absolutely amazing with Ethan and Olivia. The fact that they are adjusting so well to their new normal is a testament to you."

"You don't have to say that." She shook her head.

"I mean it." He assured her. "I am so proud of you for the way you have taken them in. They aren't your flesh and blood at all. Yet you treat them as if they were your own family."

"They are my family because they are your family." She shrugged. "And I love taking care of them. But sometimes I feel guilty."

"Why?" That was something he didn't expect her to say.

"There were so many things Katie wanted to do with the kids…so many plans she had for them. When we visited them, Katie and I would sit up and talk about what she hoped they would do in the future and all the things she wanted to teach them. It feels wrong that we had to uproot them from Boston and bring them up here. It feels wrong that they are stuck with us. And it feels wrong that we are now the ones making plans with them. We're the ones who are going to be doing the things she wanted to do with them. When you mentioned bringing them up here annually, it just made me feel bad and guilty."

He reached over and grabbed her hand. "I can understand you feeling guilty. I feel guilty about it sometimes too. But I don't think we need to feel guilty about this. We are doing for them what Katie and Marcus can no longer do. It's what they wanted."

"I know, but I feel like I am walking a tightrope sometimes." She admitted. "I'm acting like their mother while also trying my hardest not to make them feel like I am trying to replace Katie's place in their life. Sometimes it gets to be too much."

"Why haven't you said anything about this before?"

"I didn't want to bother you and I kind of hoped it would go away. I talked to Stan about it in therapy a few weeks ago, hoping it would at least get better. But it hasn't yet." She explained.

"Neither Olivia nor Ethan are going to think you are trying to replace their mother. But I can see where you might feel overwhelmed about it. You were thrown into a motherhood role rather suddenly."

"And I'm not trying to complain." She stressed. "I love being able to take care of them. I just…I worry too much sometimes."

"I think everything is going to get easier. We just have to give it more time."

"You really think so?"

"I know so." He grinned.

"I love you."

"I love you too." He kissed her forehead.

She smiled at him. "And I do really love that you bought this place."

"I was hoping you would." He watched as a devious grin formed on her face. Before he knew it, she was pushing him down. She had him pinned on the couch.

"Let me show you just how much I love your gift." She said as she started unbuckling his belt.