Chapter 5: Old Man Blues
Everyone came to the upper floor of the sodomy building, since that one had at least some light penetrating through the cum covered windows. No one was sure what was happening, but then the TV in the room turned on and strange static appeared.
"Oh goodie, I hope somebody wants to play a game with us" said an excited demented old blob fish lady.
The static started to clear and one could see that it was one of the many Old man Jenkins. He looked as pissed as Shia Labeouf on a good day.
"You filthy scum! I knew that this was going to happen one day! I had a vision of everything and I knew I had to end this heathen madness."
Just as the grumpy old fart said that, a jar of lube flew right at the live feed.
"Now listen to me, you prehistoric wrinkeled stinkfish. I came here to have some fun, not to listen to some boring lectures. Now get off the TV, cause I want to watch episode 5 of Hamatora the Animation for stimulation" said a starfish. Must have been one of Patrick's relatives.
Jenkins started fuming. "Anime!? This is even worse than I imagined. Two abominations combined! I always said that two booms weren't enough!"
The starfish didn't care and went to the TV, completely encoring Jenkins who got even angry "Hey, I'm talking right now… I need to teach you some manners!"
The starfish was just about to switch the channel and insert a DVD, when a laser ray pooped out of the TV. It shot right through the CD, fusing with it, causing rainbow porygon explosion reflections to pierce the left eye of the starfish. He fell down, but was still exposed to the ray. He couldn't stand up, but could raise his penis to try to switch off the tv. The starfish was raising his penis and with determination it moved towards the power button. The more it came towards the center of the light, the more it hurt…. and then his man limb split in half, causing the starfish to explode into many meaty pieces. One of then hitting the laser gun, causing it to fall apart.
"Darnation, I knew I shouldn't have invested in modern techonology, but at least you filth are now paying attention to me! My destiny is to safe this planet from complete chaos. Back then when I was building this place in my youth, I made sure that it doesn't just look like a lobster trap, but it also does the same job, if I want it to. It was meant to prevent the demented from leaving. However on a bad drinking night my old friend, the green fairy, showed up and showed me these horrible visions of the town getting possessed by something evil. I always hoped that this day wouldn't come true, but it did, that's as clear as the tap water in Flint Michigan!".
The whole crowd shouted "You darn party pooper limp dick. Just because you could only use your willey to pee in the last 50 years, doesn't mean we should also live in celibacy for the rest of our life."
The old man's face turned to the color of beetroot soup, a popular polish desert which looks just like the monthly visitor of woman. Everyone knew why the old man was constantly grumpy. He lost one of his testicles in a Eurypterid rodeo accident in his early 20s and the other one stopped functioning shortly after due to constant loneliness and depression for their lost twin. A normal penis is a like a rubik's cube, the more you play with it, the harder it gets, but this was not the case with Jenkins. Not even Viagra suckceded in making him hard, since Old man Jenkins' body hasn't been able to produce testosterone in decades. The times when young man Jenkins was a backstreet guy chasing uptown girls were long gone, now he's seen that the world's been burning, since the globe's been turning.
"You want us to be as miserable as you? Forget it." shouted the crowd
The old man was fuming, had he not had arthritis, he would singlehandedly strangle everyone there. "Shut up, Shut up! Shut up! I have suffered enough through my life, but I'm glad this fate choose me, since it makes me immune to whatever has happened to you! Now get ready for your last quickies, cause in 30 minutes I'll be releasing toxic cyanide into this place, which will kill you instantly. May heaven have mercy on your souls, because I certainly won't!"
This gave everyone a slight moment of realization and made sex the second most important priority.
"After I'm done with you, I'll make sure to punish those pesky earthwalkers above. Their constant pollution is surely the cause of this. I bet they are using that awful devil's weed MARIJUANA! They probably think it's hilarious to subject us to those terrible demonic substances! Well, I have a surprise for then. All those years I spent as a hermit, I used my rage to build launchers for dirty bombs and I'm planning to make then rain all over North America, except for the White house, that one is right now the only place that doesn't need salt to be rubbed in the wound. Don't worry, townsfish of Bikini Bottom, when that happens you'll be all be swimming upside down. " He laughed as dramatic Dr. Evil & Jessica Fletcher music played while the TV turned off.
This would indeed be a disaster, the biggest natural catastrophe since 4kids got their hands on One Piece.