Chapter Eight: Darkness and Light
EPOV
She's smiling as she walks towards me, and my heart stills.
How am I ever going to survive this year?
Bella slides into the seat next to me - the one on the right - and I do my best not to react to having her so close, in public. I can practically feel the heat of her. Okay, so maybe this wasn't the best idea after all. Abort, abort.
Every day. This. I don't think I can do it. For a full year.
Jesus.
"Hello," Bella says, and I smile at her. "I'm Bella Swan."
"I'm Edward Cullen," I return.
She returns my smile and then shakes her head.
I glance over my shoulder out of habit, before I lean forward to look at her face. "It's raining today."
She blinks. "That's it?" she asks with a small laugh. "That's the first thing we're going to talk about? The weather?"
My smile widens because I can't help it. "I just know how much you love the rain."
"I do," she says, rolling her eyes.
I look past her at Mike, who's sitting next to Jessica. It was hard work trying to get that to happen. Jessica had to pick between Mike and me, and it took a painfully long time for her to decide. I had to act nonchalant the entire time, even as I was secretly hoping she would swing Mike's way. With both of our previous partners having left this year, Jessica would have been my partner by default, and I guess I used my charm to make her think that swapping partners was her idea.
I also figure that Mike realized he didn't stand a chance with Bella and took the opportunity to partner with Jessica. He's an idiot. I mean, I know I don't stand a chance with Bella, but I'd do anything just to spend more time with her. Also, as I sit here, I make a mental note to get Mr. Banner something to thank him. Anonymously, of course, because he doesn't even know what he's done.
"How did you make this happen?" Bella asks.
"Call it the Cullen charm," I tell her.
She raises her eyebrows. "You called your dad?"
I laugh. "Of course not - how insulting!" I tell her. "I did it."
Her eyes narrow slightly. "What did you do?"
"Just say thank you, young lady," I say proudly. "Jessica would have been plotting your murder right now, if it weren't for me."
"I'll thank you later," she says, and there's something suggestive there.
My body tenses.
Mr. Banner clears his throat. Thank God. "Can I get your attention please?" he says. "Welcome to AP Biology. Now, I know some of you think this is going to be like last year, but it isn't. Most of you are juniors now, and preparations for your finals start right now."
"Oh, boy," I whisper.
The side of Bella's mouth lifts up, but she says nothing. If I thought my course load was something to write home about; Bella's just gives me anxiety. On top of my swimming schedule, I could never manage it. I'd probably combust or something.
"Stop staring at me," Bella whispers, and I immediately look away.
I was staring. It's the first day of school, and I'm already staring. Heaven help me.
The lesson sort of flies by, I guess. I'm not really paying attention anyway. Mr. Banner could be telling us the world's secrets, and I wouldn't even know. Because I'm staring at a girl who isn't even my girlfriend.
When the lesson's over, I look at her. "Do you have Phys. Ed. now?" I ask.
"No."
My eyes widen. "You don't?"
"I've decided to play a sport," she says, and my mouth drops open. "Which means that I have English to get to right now."
I whip out my phone as I watch her pack up her things and leave the classroom.
Edythe: Wait. You're playing a SPORT?
It takes her a few minutes to reply, and I suspect she's just made it to English. I'm in my next class as well.
Beaufort: I play lacrosse now. Didn't you know?
Edythe: Since when?
Beaufort: Since this morning.
Beaufort: For the reserve, reserve, reserve, reserve team. The 'E' Team, essentially. No tryout required, practice once or twice a week, depending on if our coach feels up to it, and we never actually play any games. Isn't it perfect? Alice, Angela and I are doing it to make space for an extra course.
Edythe: Don't lie. You only did it because you heard the Clapp was back.
Beaufort: Shut up.
I laugh, before I pocket my phone and focus on trying not to give away that I may or may not be in a little more than like with this girl.
A girl who is not my girlfriend.
My last lesson of the day is Honors French with Madame Pince. All my friends have chosen Spanish, except for Rose who's doing Italian. Bella's in this class too, but she's already sitting in the front row next to Ben Cheney when I arrive. I slip into a seat behind them, trying to act casual about it, and whip out my notebook. And my phone.
Edythe: Do you think French really is the language of love?
I watch her reach for her phone a moment later, and then she looks over her shoulder, her eyes scanning the room. She sees me, but she doesn't acknowledge me.
Beaufort: Apparently, the most romantic language is Gaelic.
Edythe: Who said that?
Beaufort: Who didn't?
I put my phone away when Madame Pince calls for our attention, and I'm almost relieved that there's nobody sitting next to me. It's a surprise, really, but I embrace it. Maybe my scowl sends them away. Why am I even scowling?
Madame Pince outlines what we're going to do this semester in extreme detail before she dismisses us early. I take my time gathering my things, mainly because I want to watch Bella leave. Which is what I do. It's a problem, and I can't keep doing this. I need to get it together.
I head to my locker and reason that I have some time to kill before I have to be at practice, so I head home. I call Kate because I want to miss her. It shouldn't be this difficult. We chat for a while before I head to the pool and be my pre-Bella, anti-social self. If I'm being honest, I'm still a little annoyed at Jane for the role she played in making things weird with Bella.
I also just want to train.
So I do. Hard.
As a result, I'm completely exhausted by the time I get home. I have dinner, which isn't quick. Heidi's still getting up to speed on my new diet, and merely eating it takes a lot out of me.
I don't have much homework, so I head straight to bed.
But I don't fall asleep.
Bella. Bella. Bella.
What we're doing, or not doing, isn't innocent. I mean, she has a boyfriend. I guess I have a girlfriend. Isabella Swan should not be the last person on my mind.
But she is.
It also doesn't help that we exchange texts, even as I lie in bed and fight exhaustion.
Beaufort: Okay, so, Angela sent me something like 76 messages when she found out we're lab partners. I didn't tell her about it in English, because she might have keeled over and died. Or shaken me to death. So I told her in a text, and OHMYGOD.
I'm laughing as I reply.
Edythe: Only 76?
Beaufort: The leading question being: what does he smell like?
Edythe: Wow!
Beaufort: Did you not believe me when I told you she was in love (otherwise known as obsessed) with you?
Edythe: Oh, I definitely believe you. That's why I'm a little insulted that it was only 76. Hmm.
We talk for a little while before I bid her goodnight, because I am exhausted. I want to keep talking to her, of course, but I also want sleep. I set my phone aside, roll over and close my eyes.
I'm thinking of Bella as I fall asleep.
And, surprise surprise, she's still right there when I wake up.
If I thought I was going to have an uneventful first week of school, I'm severely mistaken. It doesn't take Emmett long to locate the first group of fresh meat he's going to consistently pick on until they crack. He does it every year, and then moves on to a new group of fresh meat when he gets bored.
This particular one is a group of four, scrawny freshmen boys, of which one is Riley Swan.
I don't know at first because I have to visit the front office to get my extracurricular credits shifted to the swimming I do at Breaking Dawn. I have to do it every year, which is annoying. Shouldn't they just know by now?
But, when I do find out, I'm not sure what to do. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Which is why today's Biology lesson is tense. Bella must know what's been happening, and I wonder if she's angry with me. I'm angry with me, and I wouldn't blame her if she was as well. I read the fact that she won't even look at me to mean something.
"Bella," I start, before Mr. Banner has called for our attention.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she hisses, and I recoil. She's never used that tone of voice with me before.
"I found out only yesterday," I tell her.
"And?"
Okay. I could have told her, but I didn't. We talked last night, and I agonized over it for ages. "I don't know," I tell her.
"Edward."
"What do you want me to do, Bella?"
She looks at me for the first time, and it's a glare if I've ever seen one. "What do I want you to do?" she asks calmly, and I feel thoroughly chastised. "I don't want you to do anything, Edward. Why on earth would I want that?"
I let out a breath and look away from her. Well... Fuck. "Bella," I try again.
"Just leave it," she snaps. "I'll take care of it myself."
"Bella?"
She looks at me with the coldest eyes I've ever seen on her. "Wouldn't want you to be anything but a weak coward, now would we?"
For a moment, I'm not sure if I hear her correctly. But, as she turns to look away from me, it hits me. Oh. Oh. I've been right all along, haven't I? I am a weak little shit, who can't even stand up to my best friend. I guess I knew it all along.
The rest of the lesson is even more tense. So very tense. She barely looks at me the entire time, and then she practically races from the classroom when the bell rings. What a great year this is turning out to be, and it's barely been a week.
I go through my last two lessons in relative silence, my mind elsewhere. I'm properly ignored in French, which isn't surprising. I mean, we don't talk anyway, but it feels colder today. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. Why won't she just tell me?
I guess Bella decides that she won't ask me to do anything because she meant what she said. She's going to take care of it herself. I don't really know what she's thinking, but she has to know it's a bad idea. If I can't get through to Emmett; what makes her think she can?
Like Rose and Leah, I kind of just watch it all unfold, unsure what to say or do. It happens during lunch, as we're on the way to the dining hall. I think maybe Riley and his friends are avoiding the dining hall to avoid Emmett and Alec, but then I also think Emmett and Alec anticipate it because they go looking for them.
The moment I spot Bella, I look for someone else. Anyone else. That Jasper guy, or the Ben person she sits next to in French class. But she's alone, and she's ready. My heart warms for only a moment before it starts racing from fear. This isn't happening. Why is any of this happening?
Alec starts with his taunting almost immediately, but Bella isn't having any of it. It's almost comical the way she moves to stand in front of the four boys. Two of them are already taller than her, but she looks fierce. I'm even shaking.
"Just leave them alone," she says hotly, and I have the urge to tell her to stop. If she pushes too hard, then Emmett and Alec will turn their entire focus on her, and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do then. At this point, freshmen just kind of endure it, and then Emmett and Alec move on. This right here is putting a target on her back. And on Riley's.
"Oh, Isabella," Emmett says, smiling manically. "Coming to protect your little brother, are you?"
Bella's eyes narrow and I just know she's not going to back down. Bully her; maybe bully her friends, sure, but her family is another story. They're off limits.
The entire thing escalates quickly, with Bella and Emmett chucking ugly words at each other until Bella clearly has enough. She stomps her foot and squares up to him, which would have been funny given their height difference if this weren't so serious.
"What is wrong with you?" she hisses. "Does your mother know you're behaving like a bloody hooligan?"
The corridor falls silent, and we all kind of just stare at her. No. No. Bella, no.
"What the fuck did you say to me?" Emmett shoots back, and there's something different in his voice. Something unforgiving; something vulnerable, and Bella definitely notices. Heck, everyone does.
"She doesn't know," I automatically say as I step forward, because we don't talk about Emmett's mother, and Bella would do well to get out of here. Right now. "Bella," I say. "Just take them and go," I tell her.
She looks a little shell-shocked, and I don't blame her.
"Go!" I hiss, and they all jerk into action.
Bella's eyes meet mine for just a moment before she ushers the four freshman boys down the corridor.
I turn to Emmett, who's red in the face from anger, hurt, and the memories. Mothers. It's one of the reasons the three of us bonded, after that day I pushed him. Rose forms part of our trio for a similar reason. Mine abandoned me, Emmett's died, and Rose's is too much of a pill-pusher to remember she has a daughter.
Emmett's remained motherless, and I have to remind myself that I haven't. While my father left me to my own devices, his father inserted himself heavily into his life.
I look at Rose, and she looks as concerned as I do.
"She doesn't know," Rose says, echoing my words. "How could she, Emmett? She didn't arrive until freshman year."
His fists are clenched.
I step closer to him and place a hand on his shoulder.
He doesn't jerk away, though he does tense under my fingers. A moment later, he looks at me, his eyes hollow. "She's your Biology partner, Cullen. You better sort that shit out, do you hear me?"
I force myself to nod.
His eyes are saying something else.
Bella's accomplished nothing today. In fact, she might have just made it worse.
Without another word, we head towards the dining hall, but Emmett bypasses the doors, and we end up making an impromptu run to the McDonald's nearest our school. I grab a foot-long Sub from next door.
We don't end up going back to school and, for the first time, I don't feel anxious about it. I don't want to be at school any more than the rest of them. I don't want to see Bella, and I sure as hell don't want to deal with all the texts she's sent me since the altercation in the corridor.
Nobody's really saying anything because we know. I wonder what's going through Emmett's mind, and Rose and I keep exchanging worried looks. Emmett wants us to go to the beach, and I reason that it's either that or he's going to want to get drunk. So, we go to the beach.
Despite the circumstances, it's kind of a nice day. I mean, sure, it's windy and wet, but the day feels like something we need.
Half of us head back just before school lets out because I need to get to the pool. I make sure that Rose stays with Emmett and Alec, because he needs at least one of us. I drive Leah and Jared back to school. We're friends, sure, but they're not Rose or Emmett. Then again, they sure as hell aren't Alec either. Jared and I have bonded in homeroom, but Leah's more Rose's friend than mine. I wonder if I should make a conscious effort to change that, but then I'm exhausted enough.
The parking lot is still emptying out when we arrive back at school, and I find a spot easily. I have to go to my locker to pick up my things. Normally, I would ask Bella what I missed in class but, instead, I ask Jessica about Biology, which she is all too eager to tell me, and I ask Laurent about French. Thankfully, I didn't miss much, which is probably because it's still early in the semester.
I'm just glad I don't run into Bella, any of her friends or Riley. I don't know what they think about what happened, and I'm keeping it that way by ignoring the phone in my pocket. I go straight to the Swimming Club, and immediately get started on my land training before even getting into the pool. I work hard for a good three hours before I call it a day and head home. It feels as if I haven't talked to Bella in years but, in reality, it's only been two days.
Two long days.
After I've showered and eaten, I start on my homework. Really, anything to avoid dealing with the aftermath of today's confrontation. I want nothing more than to go back to a time when none of this was happening; when it was just Bella and me trying to figure things out. Life's a lot more complicated when other people are involved.
I'm tempted to let my phone die, but I kind of need my alarm in the morning. Which kind of takes me down this black hole of realization.
Beaufort: Okay. What was that?
Beaufort: Edythe?
Beaufort: What happened today?
Beaufort: Edythe?
Beaufort: Edythe?
The longest wait, before she breaks the rules.
Beaufort: Edward?
I close my eyes for the longest time, before I start to type a reply.
Edythe: What does it matter? We're all just bloody hooligans, aren't we? Weak cowards?
I take a deep breath and read my message again. Okay, that's just childish, Cullen.
Edythe: Emmett's mother passed away the summer before we met. It's something we don't talk about. I don't know what happens now.
Edythe: I'm sorry.
I set my phone aside, and try to sleep. I'm not terribly successful, but I still manage a few hours before I have to be awake for training. It's just another day I have to get through because I really have no idea what I'm doing.
I manage to ignore it all - and Bella - until Bella's birthday. It's a Monday, and we spent the entire weekend not talking. It was torture. Like, utter torture. I don't know what she wants from me. I need her to tell me because I'm not smart enough to figure it out on my own. Doesn't she know by now that the male half of our species needs help?
The day itself starts out slowly. My fingers twitch with my desire to text Bella, but I don't know what to say. Happy birthday, I'm sorry my best friend bullies your little brother. Sure, that'll go down well.
I guess she doesn't want me to be sorry.
It's at lunch that things, I guess, get heated. I don't really know what's happening until it's happening, because I've got a meeting with my nutritionist straight after school, and I'm probably going to be late. Madame Pince can ramble, particularly when you get her talking about French food. Ever want to waste time in class; just bring up the origins of the baguette, and you're set.
Which is why I miss the beginning of what I can only call a bad imitation of a really terrible teen movie. The corridor is empty, save for the six of us, and two boys.
Two boys; one-half of Emmett's group of fresh meat.
One of those boys is Riley Swan.
Rose and Leah are standing to my right, looking bored. I guess this is taking time out of their lunch or something like that. It's kind of been a rough week, I guess, because Emmett's not really saying much.
Emmett, Alec and Jared are standing around Riley and his redheaded friend, practically caging them in against a set of lockers, and both my head and heart hurt. I feel helpless as I stand there, knowing that shoves, taunts and punches are probably going to follow. I don't want to see this.
Nobody should.
The taunts increase, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I picture Bella, sitting in the dining hall, anxiously watching the door for her brother to arrive, but he's here. In front of me. About to be -
Be what?
I think about Peter, and about Liam, and what it would feel like to have either of my little brothers in this position. Also, Riley is looking at me with eyes that match his sister's, and I feel something snap inside of me. I don't know what I'm doing or what is happening right now, but I step forward anyway.
"Stop," I say, and Emmett turns to look at me.
"What did you say?" he asks, and I feel the heat rising up my neck.
Oh... Fuck it.
"I said 'Stop,'" I say, frowning. "Just leave them alone."
Emmett turns to look at me. "Edward?"
"Seriously," I say. "Can't you see that they get the fucking message? Don't look at you, fine! Okay? They get it. Now can we please go get some lunch - I'm starving!"
Emmett's left eye twitches, and I know he knows what I'm doing. We stare at each other for the longest time, before Rose clears her throat, and we all look at her.
"I'm starving too, you know?" she says, and I hold back my sigh of relief.
This moment won't be forgotten. Of that, I'm absolutely sure.
"Fine," Emmett says, shrugging. "I'm bored anyway."
Alec looks like he wants to argue, but Emmett raises a hand to quiet him.
"Let's go," Emmett says. "Didn't you hear? The lady wants food, and these two are pretty boring anyway." His eyes meet mine. "We've got a whole year of fresh meat to get through anyway."
I grit my teeth.
Emmett looks at Rose. "Shall we?"
Rose throws me a look as she starts walking, and I hang back until everyone is on their way. I hang my head as I walk past Riley and his friend.
"Don't tell anyone," I whisper, but I know Riley hears me. I also know that he knows I'm not referring to 'anyone,' but really just to Bella. She's not to know about this, but I wouldn't be able to explain my reasoning.
I don't want to go to the dining hall, but I don't have much of a choice. I keep my pace slow as I walk, trying to come up with some reason why I suddenly care. Emmett saw right through me, and I wonder if he's going to bring it up in front of everyone.
In the end, I don't have to worry about Emmett. Why should I when there's Alec?
"What the fuck was that about, Cullen?" he asks, as soon as I sit down with my tray. I forced myself to pile it up, even though I'm not hungry. I'm pretending to be 'starving' after all. "Who do you think you are?"
I don't even look at him.
"Cullen?"
I take a deep breath before I raise my head and look at him. "What is it, Marcus?"
He glares at me. "What, huh? Finally decided to grow a fucking backbone?"
I glare straight back. "Finally decided to pick on someone your own size?" I throw back.
He blinks. It's lost on nobody that I'm bigger than him. I'm a swimmer, and he plays golf. To this day, I still can't see it as a sport. The guy doesn't even train.
"Save me the bull, Alec," I say, my eyes holding his. "You have a problem with me, and we both know it, so why don't you cut the crap and just say whatever it is you want to say."
Alec opens his mouth, but it's Emmett who speaks up, his eyes on me. "What's gotten into you?" he asks.
I look at him for the longest time. "Aren't you tired?" I ask.
He waits a moment. "All the time."
We just stare at each other for another long moment before he returns to his food, and I start on mine. Nothing more is said about the incident as lunch continues. Alec looks like he swallowed a bitter pill, and I'm trying not to find it funny. I doubt this is all over, but I like to think it's halted for a while. Temporarily set aside.
"Hey, Bitch," Rose whispers, and I lean in to hear her. "Are you okay?"
I shrug. "Yeah, why?"
"You're not eating."
I let out a puff of breath before I pop a French fry into my mouth. "I totally am," I say.
She rolls her eyes at my antics. "So, anyway, I've taken your advice."
"Oh?"
"I'm going on a date," she says, and I glance at Emmett. Jesus Christ, he's going to kill me if she tells him it was my suggestion. "With Royce."
My eyes widen. "Good God, Rose!" I practically shriek, drawing attention to us. I smile nervously, warding off their attention and drop the volume of my voice. "Emmett's going to kill us both."
She lets out a laugh. "I don't know what the big deal is," she says, even though she knows. "He's totally hot."
I shake my head. "Rose, please," I say. "Royce and Emmett hate each other. Are you planning on starting a war?"
"Are you?"
I swallow audibly.
"And no, Edward, I'm not," she says, her voice steady. I think she's practicing with me because she's going to have to defend her decision with Emmett when it comes down to it. There are just things you don't do, and one of those is date your best friend's enemy. She's in for it, and I'm guiltily a little happy that she'll probably take the attention off me. "I'm going on a date with someone who had the balls to actually ask me out, instead of keeping me on some pedestal for when he decides to take me down."
I take a deep, slow breath. "Okay," I concede, and she looks surprised. Heck, I'm surprised. Maybe if I give her a pass here, she'll give me a pass when this whole thing does blow up with Bella. Provided we're still friends after all of this.
Is this it?
"Okay?"
I nod. "Just, you know, be careful," I say. "Royce is - " I stop. We know what Royce is. "Just, be careful, okay?"
It's her turn to nod. "I know what I'm doing," she says, but I don't think she does.
I sigh heavily before I force myself to eat some more. I really don't need this kind of stress in my life. I get that I'm in high school, and it's all expected, but I have worries beyond this everyday drama. I have plans for the future that started years ago, and they require every part of me. This is unnecessary.
Bella isn't in Biology. It's not like her to skip class, even if it's her birthday. I hate that I'm a little relieved, but then I was kind of looking forward to giving her the present on which I spent a considerable amount of my allowance.
I don't want to think that this is it for our friendship. But maybe it's a good thing... we're standing at the edge of a cliff.
Straight after school, I make my way to Breaking Dawn. I admit I miss conversations with Felix now that I drive myself. He was kind of my go-to guy, you know? Helped me make decisions; listened to me. He's the man to know what to do about Bella.
I get through my weight session without disaster, my body aching in places I didn't even know it could. Kevin set up a strength and conditioning program for me that I'm still getting used to. This new regimen - well, it hurts. It's almost a relief to get into the pool, but then I actually have to swim, and, just, ouch. I get through my warm-up just fine and try my best not to seize up during my timed kick stroke.
My goodness, does it hurt.
It's quite late when I finish up, prolonging my post-practice static stretching. By the time I get home, it's already seven thirty. I eat immediately, because I'm starving. Heidi tells me that my father is at work, and Esme and the twins are at an event at the twins' school.
"Just you and me, then?" I ask.
"I'm here until nine," she says. "So, if you want something else, you have an hour to decide."
I just grin at her, before I head up to my room to shower, running the hot water over my tense muscles. My biceps hurt, my abdominal muscles ache, and my back burns. Once I'm out, I throw on some sweatpants and head back downstairs. Heidi's still in the kitchen, and I pop my head in.
"Please, can I have a snack?" I ask.
"After all of that, you're still hungry?"
I nod.
She smiles. "What do you want?"
"Surprise me."
"Give me five minutes."
I throw her a grin, and then head to the TV lounge. I drop down onto the couch, grab for the remote and turn on the TV. I flick through the channels, but I doubt I'm going to find anything worth watching. I don't even watch TV.
I give up pretty easily and turn off the TV. I sit there for a minute, trying not to think about what's happening with Bella. I should keep busy. I stand up and head to the kitchen, where I sit at the breakfast nook and wait.
"Here you go," Heidi says, setting two slices of toast in front of me. "Eat up."
I rub my face with my hand. "But I don't want toast," I whine.
She looks at me for a long moment, trying to read my face. "Pancakes then?"
"Oh, yes, please." I grin at her. "You just get me... on the second try."
"Sue me," she teases.
"In a couple of years; I might just be able to," I say relatively easily, and her eyes snap towards me. It's the first time I've really given voice to what I might want in the future - besides Olympic Gold, of course - and she looks a little surprised.
"It'll take a while," she says, clearly sidestepping my admission.
"That's okay," I tell her; "I have toast."
She shakes her head, as I slide onto a stool and lift a slice of buttered toast to my mouth.
"Is this just honey?"
She nods.
"I always get scared of pissing you off, just now you drop some peanuts into my food," I tell her, and she laughs out loud.
"As long as you know."
I shake my head as I move to take a bite. I'm irritated by the sound of the doorbell, and I groan, my eyes flying to Heidi.
She shrugs. "I'm making pancakes here."
I groan again because I just sat down, and now I have to get up again. My body still aches, but I stand anyway and take my slice of toast with me. I make my way, barefoot and shirtless, to the front door, absently wondering if I shouldn't answer it dressed as I am, but I suddenly don't care.
I pull open the door, and I'm surprised to find Bella standing there, looking sheepish and a little wet from the rain. I don't mean to, but I end up frowning at the sight of her. What is she doing here? And why?
"Hi," she says.
I swallow, my heart stuttering. "Hi back."
For a moment, she says nothing, and then she launches herself at me, throwing her arms around me. Just the force of her knocks me off balance, and I step back, trying to accommodate her without dropping my toast.
"Bella," I say.
She squeezes me tight for a moment before she lets go.
I don't miss the way she eyes my bare chest. "What are you doing here?" I ask.
Her eyes meet mine. "It's my birthday, Edward."
"I know."
"And I hate that we're fighting."
"Me too."
"Riley also told me what happened today."
"That little shit," I say, and she grins at me.
"I tickled it out of him."
"Relentless woman."
She stares at me, and I stare back. This is a mutual apology without the words, and it seems to relieve the tension that's wracked my body since that first non-fight in Biology what feels like a hundred years ago.
"Do you want to come inside?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "I can't," she says. "Uh, Jake is coming over."
My heart drops.
Maybe she sees it on my face because she quickly checks the time on her phone, takes a moment, and then looks at me. "Okay, so maybe I can spend a few minutes."
It's almost sad how my face splits into a grin. "Do come on in, birthday girl."
She steps further into the house and makes her way to the kitchen. I watch as she greets Heidi, grabs a bottle of water and then heads right on up to my bedroom.
I follow.
My toast and pancakes can wait.
Once we're in my room, I slip on a t-shirt before it gets weird. Bella stands awkwardly while I do, and then I get another hug. It's a long one, clearly telling me that these past few days have been the pits for her as well. She squeezes me once, releases me, and then moves to sprawl out on my bed and pat the space next to her. I move to lie beside her, and she rolls over to look at me.
"I'm sorry," she says.
"For what?"
"For calling you weak."
"But you're right."
"No, I'm not," she says. "I'm so far from right, and I am so sorry, Edward. I should never have said that. I was just so mad, and helpless, and he's my little brother, and I hate that someone was hurting him."
"I'm sorry," I say.
"Please don't," she says. "Just - I'm sorry. Please, can we never go through that again? I - I missed you."
"I was always right here, Bella."
Her eyes meet mine.
We've been here before.
She clears her throat. "So," she says.
"Hmm?"
"I'm having a birthday dinner, I believe, on Saturday, and I really want you to be there."
I hesitate. "Bella?"
"I've thought about it," she says steadily. "You're my official lab partner now; so it wouldn't be weird."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I want you to be there, Edward."
She's stolen my heart; I swear she has. "And I want to be there, Bella, believe me," I say; "but I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want the night to be about anything other than you, and I'm worried that if I'm there; that won't happen."
"Because you're Edward Cullen?"
I swallow.
"Do you ever think that we hold off on all of this because of our dads?"
I blink. "I don't know what you mean."
"It's no secret what's really going on, right?"
"I don't know - "
"Edward."
"I don't know anything about the firm, Bella, and I very rarely ask."
She raises her eyebrows. "But you do know something, don't you?"
"He's working hard. They both are. Something's happening, I guess."
"Something like what?"
I look away. "Bella?"
"Wait," she says. "Are you trying to tell me that my dad's getting promoted without actually telling me?"
My eyes widen. "Umm, I don't know. I'm just the boss' son - please don't quote me. I just hear things sometimes, and I think Esme's been trying to get him to cut down."
She regards me for a moment before she asks a question that surprises me. "Why do you still call her Esme?" she asks.
Oh. We're going to talk about this then.
"I mean, I know she's not your biological mother," she continues; "but it's always seemed as if you're - "
"I'm what?"
Her eyes meet mine. "Hesitant." She waits a beat. "Scared. As if you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop."
For a moment, I flush with irritation. I don't really want to talk about this today, or at all. How did we even get to this topic?
"Edward?" she questions.
I sigh heavily. "I guess it's because I knew my mother," I tell her. "I knew her. I saw her. I remember her." I drop my gaze. "I had a mother, Bella, and she left me. I never wanted another one. I still don't. Esme isn't my mother. She's my stepmother, and I'm not going to kid myself into thinking that she's going to stick around for me when my own flesh and blood didn't." I realize I sound bitter, but I can't help it.
All that counseling and I'm still here. It doesn't matter what people say or do, the truth of what happened all those years ago will never change.
And, I guess, neither will I.