When Snow Falls: The Apprenticeship.
Chapter 4.
A Stranger named Alex.
We laid together for a time in a sweet bliss I'd never known, uninterrupted all the while during, as if the rest of the world stopped had existing altogether. I found it easy enough to forget about it and that I hadn't really cared that it had, not having taken much for me to push away even my murderous drive, surprised that I could become as deeply lost in something as I had with Allie, her having the power to just take it all away from me. It didn't feel wrong to forget all of my clan, like it was always something I could do but didn't have the strength to do so. She'd given me that strength. I didn't feel as broken as I usually did, not ever had I believed I could be this whole. I'd been with others before, sure, but never like this, nothing that ever made me feel some semblance of peace.
It didn't make it any more special or meaningful than any time before it, but there was more of a connection to her than I normally had with others, as I hadn't ever gotten close enough to anybody for any real attachment to take hold. Well...there was one person, when I was about 6 and just a cracked shell from being exiled, but that wasn't something entirely fond to think about. But it wasn't entirely terrible either, it had just left me with a feeling of having been used. It just felt easier to focus on carving a bloodied path back to my clan without anything else to steal my thoughts away from it. I only just now realized how little it took to do that. And I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not. It felt good to know something like this, but I worried that she was wrong for me in a healthy way, if there was even room for her on the road back home.
I looked at the girl I'd taken to bed with me, slumbering a few minutes after we had done what we needed, my right arm wrapped around her as she slept softly on my chest, brushing away a few loose locks of her hair before I pulled my hand back after wincing some, having almost forgotten about how much it still hurt and wondering why the hell I'd even bothered, feeling cliche as I slowly lifted my arm up from under her and put a pillow in its place as I got up, sliding my legs off of the bed as quietly as I could as a blend of confusing feelings hit me. I needed to be left in my lonesome to think, and having her as a distraction wasn't something I that would help me.
I only pulled on my pants after I'd stood, just for the sake of modesty though dressing no further, stretching out with a relaxed popping of my arms and neck as I walked over towards the window, leaning against it as my thoughts became clouded some, my forehead touching the cold glass, and that soothing me some. I smiled as I peered out towards the snow-covered town, finding it a comforting sight that eased the conflict.
I hadn't ever seen snow before I'd come here in my search, or ever felt a place as fucking cold. But I almost didn't mind most days. The snow and ice did what my sword could and provided me something to soothe my nerves, while my blade just kept me humbled as I remembered what the meaning behind it carried, this was a much healthier symbol. This place was good for me.
I puffed out some hot hair onto the window, fogging a large part of it up before I ran my finger across it, creating various shapes in it, particularly stars. I wasn't any good at it, every time I ever drew a star, it always came out wonky and misshapen, but I had my fun trying to get better at it. It was the only thing that made me think of my family that didn't piss me off, from a time when we were actually happy. Before I learned how things were.
I'd make stars out of just about everything I could have gotten my hands on when I was younger; paper, clothes, grass. It got me into trouble, like when I'd draw on walls or books, but it never dampened my spirit, and I continued to do so. It had gotten to the point that my father got me just piles of scrolls to scribble on, telling me they were for my art, in place of a free inch of wall unclaimed. I'd gone through them all in about a week before I was back to the walls, and my parents gave up on trying and even punishing me for it. It wasn't long before we even stopped cleaning the walls entirely. Shitty little stars covered the house.
I remembered how my older brother would join me from time to time, whenever he was done training it was right to my side. We did plenty of things like that. I did it out of childhood innocence, and I think he did it because he just thought it was funny. Whatever he did he knew was wrong, but it was always what I wanted to do when I wanted to play, especially when it pissed people off.
I brought my knees to my chest, staring out the window and wondering which way home was, almost feeling a longing for it, even though I did not remember much of what the land looked like, I could still think of some of my family before without any rage, but I hadn't thought about my brother in years, and sometimes, I either forgot about him, or just didn't think about him at all. Any love for my family felt foreign no matter who was in my thoughts, but I couldn't lie and say there wasn't some there that lingered for those that had actually been kind, however few there might have been. And none had been more so than my brother, even when the rest of our clan scorned and berated me with abusive words and actions, there was always him, and for a time, my mother and father, but gradually, their protection had faded, eventually even his. It wasn't until the waning days of my time with the Nakajima that I'd never felt so alone, and I'd only understood why after I'd been sent into exile. Why their love had suddenly left me.
I'd forgotten what he looked like, his face only blank when I tried to think back, but I could still remember his smile well enough, that had never left me. I wondered what his reaction had been when he learned I was gone. I hoped he'd been upset and angry beyond belief for a time, and maybe had gone off to find me once or twice, but I had no doubt that he soon grew to hate me, as our clan would have corrupted him into their ways until there was only Nakajima. There was no telling what crimes he'd committed in their name, no choice but to do as they commanded him, if it even felt like a real choice to him.
It was strange to consider, for how angered I was because of it, but I knew that if I had stayed with the clan, that mentality of theirs that let them live with killing their own young children would be mine, to hate and despise those weaker than myself. But in other ways, I was glad, because there wouldn't be anyone to stand against them and their tyranny if I hadn't been forced out. I understood enough of what they were to know. And as much as I pitied my brother for having been unfortunate to have been born into a shit life with me, I was sure he was thinking the same thing about me, and that I was dealt a bad fate. I could only extend so much understanding, and if he had grown to become more like them, then he'd fall just like the rest. I'd do what I had too. They were dark conquers that wanted the world to kneel to them, but no man or woman would ever bow to them so long as I had breath in my lungs and a sword in my hand.
I wouldn't allow the wheel of violence and hate to continue in this age, not from my own clan. I wouldn't just take the wheel and smash it; I'd burn it to fucking ashes. I'd take my clan's false honour and build upon it anew. No one would ever be put through the trials I had ever again. If my brother got in my way, my blade would taste his blood.
I started to flash a dark grin as it seemed my insanity was slowly returning to me, but it felt different this time around, I didn't reject it as I had many times before, only this time, when my reflection smiled back at me the window splintered into dozens of cracks, startling me as I fell away from it, and suddenly I remembered why I was always afraid of the voices in my head, my hands shaking as I covered my face. Nothing had changed much. I was still me, and the fucking world was still shit.
I sat there in a huddled silence, taking some comfort in that Allie wasn't awake to see me like this, so I was still alone for the time being, my face in my knees as I wrapped my arms around myself, not allowing myself to feel much more than what I was. Any more than that and I was afraid I'd descend further into the depths of my mind, being on the outside of my thoughts was terrifying enough without diving in any deeper. That's where 'He' was. And I'd chosen to ignore him a long time ago.
Yet there were just some demons we faced, whether we liked it or not, and mine always had a habit of clawing their way out into the light. No matter how hard I tried to keep them away.
"Hello, brother," Said the deadman with venom as I opened my eyes to a much darker version of what reality was to me, decrepitated and rundown with darkness and blood staining the walls, hauntingly demonic faces leering down menacingly, heavily distorted until they no longer resembled anything close to being human. Sharp fangs and lizard-like eyes gazing past me, like they couldn't even see me.
I looked up and saw one face in particular that stared back at me, eyes blackened and soulless, a dark mirror reflecting back how twisted I saw the world. This wasn't the first time I'd come here. His was the voice I so often argued with aloud, having found out a long time ago that it wasn't just a voice in the back of my head. The fucker took form in certain moments, specifically my darkest.
"What brings you to my neck of the woods?" He asked with a devilish grin, hiding a wickedly cruel charm behind his eyes and a silver tongue as he spoke.
I stood up as I looked past him towards the bed, the sleeping Allie seen, but only as a glowing mass of light. I was only ever alone in this place. All except for him.
"What? Not very talkative today are we?" He asked as he stalked around me, his black eyes watching me intently, following my movement as I walked to the window and saw the hellish landscape the land had become. "Thinking about your family?" He asked with a grin as he sat down on the bed. "Nothing else brings you here."
"You know what I think, you live in my fucking head," I said with a harsh tone as I glared at him.
"I have a general idea. I can't read it entirely, despite what you might think. Just bits and pieces of the jumbled up mess that is your mind," He told me mockingly as his grin grew, stretching more than what it should have been able too.
"Take me back," I told him as he stood by my side. "Not how this works, I'm afraid."
I pressed my forehead against the window with a silent rage, clenching my fist as I walked away. I might have been stuck here, but that didn't mean I had to stand there and take his bullshit.
He forced a laugh out as he followed along out of the room. "Whats the matter sweetie, that time of the month already?"
I immediately turned back and faced him, almost swinging my fist. "You got anything better to do than talk my ear off?" I shouted as I stepped forward, and he made no motion to move back, unafraid of my outburst, though he lost his smile. "Well, I'd settle on beating you to death, but I'm sure I'd just be trading one hell for another. And it's not like I have a lot else to do, trapped in here and all." He hissed in anger as he stood ready for me, but I didn't flinch away. "Maybe hell is where you belong!"
"Whats that say about you then?" We were both in the others face, glaring back at each other, our eyes reflecting this endlessly. "That I'd be better off without you, the manifestation of everything wrong with me?"
I appeared to have finally said something that visibly wounded him, because god's know I hadn't ever been able to do it physically, and not just because he was only in my head. And up until now, he'd never actually tried to harm me either, but nothing really lasted forever. No truce or peace ever did.
He raised his hand with as an unforgivable rage twisted in his expression, and a deeper fear than I'd ever felt took mine, his hand slamming into my chest as inhuman strength ran through the rest of his body, throwing me across the room as easy as wind pushing around paper.
I became dazed from the strike, blood that dripped into my eyes blinding me but I couldn't raise my arms to wipe it off, this having turned into the kind of nightmare where I couldn't move my body. Suddenly I felt his hand around my throat, clamping down on it with heavily reduced strength, to prevent himself from accidentally snapping my neck from the force. My body was paralyzed, from both pain and fear, but I could still tell he'd lifted me into the air and pushed me further against the wall. When the blood washed itself away, I was peering down into his eyes once more, only seeing a darker rage than I'd ever felt in his, seeing how tempted he was to finish what he'd started.
"I'm whats wrong with you? I'm whats wrong with you!?" He asked as his grip tightened, his eyes leaking out drops of darkness that sizzled away when they touched the ground. I'd have wondered if they were what his tears looked like if he hadn't been chocking the life out of me. It was almost pitiable, everything he did was terrifying in one way or another.
"I'm what's kept us alive all these years!" He shouted as he slammed me repeatedly into the wall, clenching his fist in fury. "Its been you and your fucking hate and vengeance that's nearly killed us half a dozen times! You lose yourself in your anger and I have to fight to keep us alive! I'm stuck here because of you! In this void of twisted reality that you've trapped me in! I'm what's wrong with you? You're everything wrong with me and I swear to every god out there I'd fucking kill you right now if I actually could!" He finally let me drop to the ground, more so because he didn't want to test the limit on his restraint as a black aura that could rival hell emitted from his body, trying to catch his breath.
I coughed hard as I held my throat, surprised he hadn't crushed my windpipe, barely able to croak out a few words. "What...Is...Your problem?" I said as I wiped away blood that leaked out with every breath I took. "What do you want from me?"
He appeared in front of me in a flash, his fist putting a hole through the wall beside my head, but at that point, after seeing his worst, there was nothing else he could do to scare me any more than he already had. "I want it to stop!" He yelled as loudly as he could. "I've spent an eternity in this forsaken place! I won't spend an eternity longer because of your addiction to revenge!"
His gaze suddenly softened as he pulled back, pity in his eyes for me. "It's time to end it, Alex. This self-destructive path you walk. You won't find anything good at the end of it all."
It felt strange to be lectured by your own inner darkness. And suddenly I felt a massive wave of guilt for his existence. In no way would I have thought that I could affect him in any way. I'd always thought that he was what drove me forward, why I hated my family the way I did and why I couldn't let it go. And I'd hated him for that for the longest time. I really didn't have any excuse for the way I'd lived my life. I was beside the only person who knew me better than I did.
"Don't you want it to stop? That hate drains you, I can feel it every time you let it take control." He said in a more friendly tone as he kneeled down, slowly sitting with me. "I know you're tired. Of the constant self-loathing and hatred. And you know what the worst part of it all is, Alex?"
I wanted to look away from him, but something wouldn't let me. I needed to hear what he had to tell me, but there was only silence that followed. "You don't hate them."