Chapter 9 - Harvey Denial Specter

'You never answered Louis' question,' his face hardened and his jaw fixed as he stared up towards her, his hand resting on her doorframe as she opened it with a reluctant sigh.

'What?' Confused and taken off guard, she shook her head, the wine making her tiredness harder to handle. She noticed how his appearance had changed since only a few hours before. His hair was slightly more ruffled and his eyes seemed darker - more tired. 'Harvey, what are you doing here?' She let out a loud sigh as she leant on her door.

'Answer me Donna. Why didn't you answer Louis' question?'

'What has that got to do with anything?'

Frustrated, he looked from her face and closed his eyes, opening them briefly again, settling them instead on the 206 emblazoned like a snippet from another time long ago. Inwardly, he cursed himself for coming, but knew he had to.

'Because. It has everything to do with it!' He whispered, diverting his tired eyes back to hers.

'I don't know what my answer was going to be Harvey, I was put on the spot in front of a room full of partners and associates,' Her voice growing fierce and protective, 'and to this day, I'm still not sure what that answer would have been! Now if you don't mind, I'm exhausted.' She went to close the door but his foot had suddenly slipped inside the frame.

'Please,' his voice softer, 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have questioned your motives for leaving. I just want to talk. Just me and you. No Mike. No Rachel. Can I come in?'

Her eyes caught his and instantly recognised the pain in his; it mirrored hers.

'Fine,' she held the door open wide enough for him to walk inside.

He placed his jacket on the arm of her chair and sat on the end of the couch.

'If you're referring to the question of whether or not I'd do anything for you, then yes, at the time I would have Harvey. You knew goddamn well I would have.' She sat back down in her previous spot on her couch, reached for her wine and downed the last drop. There was a silence between them which didn't need to be filled. Both of them knew the other was trying to conjure the right words.

'I know,' Harvey rested his head in his hands. 'I'm sorry, there was nothing you wouldn't have done to save me and that memo was just one thing in a long goddamn string of reasons I could give where you have protected me. Tell me Donna, when have I ever done the same for you?' His eyes up and falling on hers.

'It was my job. I said I'd take a bullet for you. And that's when I did. But that bullet did more damage than I could ever comprehend. Do you really think I wanted to leave the firm?'

'Well, you sure as hell made out tonight. It was pretty clear who was holding you back!'

'I'm my own goddamn grown woman Harvey, I could have left the firm whenever I wanted to. But I didn't... I ' she couldn't finish her sentence. She fidgeted nervously and got to her feet and began walking towards her window and stared out at the pattern of Manhattan's lights.

'You.. what? Why didn't you leave?' He pushed her further for an answer. 'As you said, I never did anything for you. I was a dick.' His hands motioned in front of him, pleading his case.

'No, Harvey. I don't agree with you. There's plenty of things you've done for me that you don't know that I know about. My dad. You protected me, I didn't know at the time and I couldn't see how you were trying to protect me and my money - but that's one time. Another time, when you told Jessica that you wouldn't go to Pearson Hardman without me and you paid my salary!' Her voice cracking and tears began to fill to the brim.

'You know about that?' He looked shocked, he had never told anyone but Jessica.

'Harvey, I knew.'

'I just need to know what I could have done to make you want to stay.'

'If you don't know that Harvey, then why are you even here?' She turned to face him, his eyes red and pained.

'Because... I need to know.'

'Need to know what?'

'I need to know why you ran away from answering Louis' question.'

'Which question?'

'You know damn well which question. The question he shouted at you four times.'

'Just tell me Donna because if that was the reason you left then...'

'Then what?' She threw her hands up in frustration. 'What Harvey? See, you won't tell me. You haven't changed. There's no way I was admitting to something in front of people I worked with something where the other person didn't feel the same!' Shit. She'd said it.

'W-w-what?' he rose to his feet, 'So you're telling me that you..' he couldn't bring himself to say it.

'Love you Harvey?' She was exasperated by this point and knew she had nothing left to lose. 'Yes, four years ago, I did love you and you knew it and did nothing about it!'

She visibly saw the air expel from his chest and his face paled. He wasn't expecting it like that.

The only response he could muster, 'Did?'

She laughed in shock, 'Really? You think I still do? Could you be anymore transparent?' Her hands resting on her hips and tucked into the top of her black yoga pants.

'I know, that's stupid but... Donna I've thought about you every single day for the past four goddamn years!' He moves one step closer to her. 'I walked through every scenario in my mind to try and get you back, to try and see you or speak to you during that time!'

'Well, you didn't do a good enough job did you, as I didn't hear a word from you in four years. How could we go from seeing each other for fifteen hour days every day to shutting each other out of our lives and carrying on?'

'Because I'm a goddamn idiot!' He shouted, his eyes were filled with tears, but he managed to keep them in as he rubbed his face and took his hand up through his already tousled hair.

Donna's watery, hazel eyes widened in disbelief. Was he apologising? Admitting he was wrong? Or saying her loved her? Again she was stood there wondering what the hell he was going to say next.

'I have suffocated for four years. It wasn't until you left, it made me realise what I had. What we had - and I didn't protect you from... me.'

She laughed, 'That's about right.' Her smile caught his. He let out a throaty chuckle.

'Donna, I've missed you. I need you.'

'Need?'

'Need.'

'What are you trying to say Harvey? As four years is a long time to still love someone. But do you?'

He dropped his head down, taking his eye contact with him.

'See. I knew it. You still can't admit can you.'

'Yes.' He mumbled so quietly Donna couldn't quite make it out.

'Sorry?'

'I said, yes I've loved you. I loved you. I've missed you and I don't know what to do!'

She sighed, for the first time in 12 years Harvey Denial Specter had confronted a fraction of his feelings.

There was still one thing on Donna's mind that she hadn't let slip yet.

'You said you missed me, but I'm sure you weren't missing me when you were engaged to Scottie...'

'How did you...?' He wasn't expecting that.

Shit. Why can't things just go to plan. He fell back on her couch and let out a groan.

'Who told you?'

'Does it matter?'