When Snow Falls: Apprenticeship.

A Stranger named Alex.

Chapter 5.

I threw myself away from the dark Specter in a furious outrage that threatened to turn savage, storming away to the other side of the room just to get as far from him as I could before I did something we'd both end up regretting, feeling anger twist in me until it boiled every drop of my blood, processing what he'd just told me and the end result being my almost wanting to pretend I hadn't even heard it, but I wasn't a Stranger to harsh truths, yet this was something much worse. "Bull fucking shit!" I screamed when I turned back to face him, angry that he was trying to tell me what it was I felt as he got back up to his own feet with me, a softer look on his face than mine was as our roles reversed, and I was suddenly the one gripped by darkness, twisted by my hate, trying to keep me calm after telling me this revelation of his. "Don't you dare tell me what I think about them or that man!" I yelled out with a thunderous tone and an accusing finger pointed towards him before slamming my fist into the shadowed walls that had been built from the dark depths of my mind just to contain the brimming psychotic rage I felt, being pushed to the limits of what they were capable of handling as they cracked from the sheer pressure of my collapsing mental stability, not crazed enough to attack him, yet found myself slowly approaching that point the more we spoke, actually frightening him for a split moment before he found his nerve once again, reminding himself that he was stronger of the two of us, and that he was capable of keeping me in check, that was his job after all. He didn't have to be afraid. So long as we were in this cage he was in control. He was where all my power was, and he never gave me more than I needed. But if he didn't calm me now, I'd bring this entire place down on top of us and unleash it all. Who knew what effects that would have on my mind, or where it would send us. He was trapped here, sure, but when I was sent here when I needed to be, I could start to understand where his resentment came from, the only difference was that he was here more by choice, even if it was one he wasn't happy with, doing what he could to keep me under control. This place was made for when I was close to becoming lost, and he was here to try and bring me back to whatever best passed for a clear mind. He wasn't exactly trapped here like I was, so in the end he was the warden of it.

"There is a big difference between anger and hate, Alex." He said as he shifted to the side, avoiding whatever it was that I'd grabbed in my blinded state and tossed at him. I think it had been a chair, but I didn't bother to pay attention when it shattered into pieces, not able to discern what it had been before. It was a really good thing this wasn't the real world, else I'd be paying for it out of my own pocket, and that was money I just didn't have. "Then elaborate, please!" I told him through gritted teeth, turning around to calm myself, clenching my fist as tight as I could until my fingers started to bleed, pressing my forehead against the cold bedroom wall, not wanting to have this discussion. Now or ever.

He approached small step by small step, trying to give me some space as best he could, choosing his words as carefully as he would walking barefoot through a field of serrated glass blindfolded. "You're angry at them, and rightfully so. You may not even hold much love for them. I get that, bring yourself to hate them if it helps dull the pain. But hate takes work and effort. Work and effort that you have to put in to maintain it, especially years later," He said as I became silent, trying to block him out. The child in me wanted to put my hands to my ears and ignore him, but that just wasn't me. "And that's the thing, there were good times before it happened. And you still cling to them, I know you do. You weren't always the product of their failings. At the beginning, yes, the line between the two was so blurred you couldn't see the difference, there may not have even been one. But as time went on, you had to make yourself hate them, because it was all you would let yourself believe. You had to keep up the barrier because you couldn't do it for much longer, even more so when you let it be the only thing that kept you alive. Long enough that who you were before was nothing but a shadow of who you are now."

As I was silent, he started to get close enough to that he could reach out and touch my shoulder, but he still refrained from doing so. I wasn't too sure if he was just saying this for my benefit or his. What did it even matter? I was listening to every word.

"Get to the point," I said with those same steeled nerves as I turned back to face him, my expression not as hard as it had been moments ago, making him put his hands up defensively. "It's okay to be angry at them, and to want justice. But you don't have to let it consume you. What they did doesn't have to be the core of who you are."

Suddenly whatever anger that might have lingered within left me, and the world in my mind had a bit of light break through, not as dark as I had believed. And I suppose neither was he, and because of the fact that he was a reflection of myself, neither was I, I suppose. But what he was suggesting, I didn't know if it was something I could commit too after so long. Or if I even wanted to try. "You're not gonna tell me some bullshit like how it doesn't have to define me?" I asked as I turned away to the window again, seeing that some of the shadows had been chased away, looking more like the world again.

He only shook his head, not going to feed me that tired line. He had something a little new planned. "No. Because it does define you, and it always will. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You learned from what they did and you'll continue to learn from it. And when you lead that bloody charge and take the Nakajima, you'll teach those same lessons."

I couldn't help but smile some as I felt myself loosen up immensely. "You're not gonna try and talk me down from going after them?" He shook his head, leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed. "I wouldn't even try. Nothing could keep you from that and we both know it. The best thing that I can do is get us there alive and strong enough for that confrontation. How we do that and how long it takes and how well we're prepared...well... That part is up to you,"

I slowly turned back to face him with some brand new kind of understanding for him, though I was still confused by what seemed like a sudden change of heart. "Why do you talk like we aren't the same person?" I asked him, and he didn't even take a moment to ponder it. "Because we aren't, Alex. I was just something that took form when you were alone and needed someone to keep you alive, but I'm more than your shadow now." He said as a smile found its way to his face, and it somehow found its way to my expression as well as I extended my arm out, and we took the other's forearm in a warrior's gesture. "I don't think I ever properly thanked you for that."

"You never needed too, brother, I never needed it." He told me as he shook on some new form of understanding between us before we took our arms back, finally making the rest of the darkened room regain its colour, my time spent without clarity at an end, overwhelming wraith and rage overcome by a sense of peace that I hadn't ever felt, and with it almost a renewal of my soul. And with that, the world became white as it began to vanish.

"If I don't lose my mind anymore, doesn't that mean I won't see you?" I asked as our bodies slowly seemed to fade away, a slight hint of concern found in my voice, yet there wasn't any such worry in him, a warmer kind of smile on his face. "I'll still be floating around in the back of your thoughts constantly giving you hell about the choices you make. I'm my own man after all. That, and just because you might get that anger towards your family under lock and key doesn't mean you aren't still a fucking homicidal maniac. You're a long ways from recovering from that, brother. It might not be too long before you get pushed over the edge in a back alley and end up killing a couple of poor drunk fucks again."

I closed my eyes for a quick moment before peering down with a kind of shame over it, but I didn't let it linger for long. Maybe I had gone several leagues above what was deserved, but I didn't find myself regretting what I had done, still just shame I'd done it uncontrolled. Maybe they'd deserved it, and maybe they hadn't, it was too late to take back what I'd done. "Fair enough," I told him with sigh out, finding him placing a hand on my shoulder. "What you did doesn't make you evil, Alex. Sure, it wasn't exactly right. Killing never is for any reason," He told me as I glanced up, confused. "Thanks...?"

"But...What sets you apart is your reason for it. When it becomes too easy though, when you do it without any thought, that's when you start to worry. And that's what I'm here to bring you back from."

I didn't really have the words to express the gratitude I should have shown, and even if I had managed to find them it would have been too late, watching as the smiling mirror image finally faded into nothing, and I was free of it once more, still feeling echoes of our discussion all the while I came out of the trance, letting out what felt like a long-held breath as my body relaxed, shaking off the aches from how tense I had been as I stood, having to rub my eyes just to start wetting them again, everything down to my breathing feeling as though I'd had to do it manually. It had felt like a dream just woken from, but still conscious of the world around me at the same time. Had I just stared at the window the entire time?

I wondered how long I'd been out, feeling as if hours had passed, but looking over towards the Allie on the bed, I found she was still sleeping herself. Much couldn't have passed, as the light shining through hadn't seemed to have moved an inch, but it wasn't as if I'd memorized every little detail before I'd slipped into my head. I really couldn't be sure how much time had passed, but that started to seem less important when I noticed the state of the window I'd peered out of, still terribly splintered into a dozen or so more cracks. That part hadn't changed. That wouldn't be too hard to explain in any case, I'd either chalk it up to a crazed time with Allie, or the fridged cold. I'd been here long enough to learn glass didn't last too long in these conditions. Apparently, it was a popular craft here in Snowfall with as often as window's needed to be replaced. Hopefully, I wouldn't be paying for it though. But I don't think I had that kind of luck on my side.

I carefully laid back down beside her, not just to avoid waking her for a while longer, but because it was hard to lower myself down with a single arm when my left was still throbbing, and being a touch bit hungover didn't help much. It still seemed early, and I didn't actually have anything to do, so for the moment I could sleep longer and enjoy the peace while it lasted, really hoping that this time around it was something that would last. Part of me knew it wouldn't, that I should be prepared for the inevitable event that it all came crashing down around me, but another part told it to shut the fuck up, it was trying to sleep. Eventually, all became a pleasant silence, only the howling wind and the soft patter of the snow hitting the broken window heard, lulling me into a deeper sleep as I huddled against Allie, not afraid to be vulnerable, for short while anyway. We all needed rest from time to time. And it didn't feel so bad to let my guard down this time.

Allie and I were making our way down the old staircase that lead from the apartments on the second and third floors after she'd woken up, careful to dress as she still had her own injuries to tend too before she'd managed to actually get me out of bed from my return to sleep, with her having no idea of the events before that, something about as easy as stirring a bear from hibernation, remembering to be a touch more careful on me than she was with her own body. She wouldn't be by my side any longer in slumber so there wouldn't be any real point to lounging about when there were other things to do, like dealing with the possible fallout of what I'd done a night ago, and she'd even been nice enough to help me dress after seeing how difficult it was for me. It was a kind of awkward fun only youth could have, and a pleasant enough greeting we shared together when she'd stirred me up and having to dress me. Neither of us acted as if the night before hadn't meant anything more than sex and needed relief, but we could still act friendly enough towards one another to walk down together for breakfast. We didn't say much on the way down, which was easier for one of us than it was the other, still almost complete Strangers to one another with only a half basic knowledge on either and a full idea of what the other looked like and how they were in bed. Though she might have felt different, I didn't much mind. It felt kind of nice to be walking with someone else my own age to share a meal, and she smiled the entire way down, so I figured I'd done something right, both now and the night before. It brought a sense of normality that I'd realized I'd never really known, as I'd never settled down long enough in any one place to ever have that.

I hadn't noticed it at first, but as we walked down the steps of the old buildings great staircase, each time I looked at her I couldn't stop myself from myself from smiling a stupidly boyish smile at her. Every single god's damn time I had that look plastered on my expression, becoming only aware of it when she caught my staring, a smile on her own face that would have been accompanied by a giggle had she been able too, quickly forcing me to look away out of embarrassment with a nervous scratch behind my ear, keeping my eyes down and being more conscious of where I was looking.

'Smooth.' I heard that voice in the back of my head say teasingly, having to quickly tell myself I couldn't just tell him to fuck off out loud. Allie was mute, not deaf, and I think I'd already shown her enough of my twisted psyche and how broken it was with that blood rage last night without adding in a touch of psychosis into the mix. Gods know what she already thought of me as it was.

Despite all the hiccups and... a couple of bodies here and there...it wasn't completely awkward walking down with her, other than the usual one-night stand sense of regret and embarrassment that was. Waking up beside someone you didn't really know after having laid with them for a night certainly made for an interesting introduction, but there was still that sinking feeling in your stomach after it that made you feel kind of wrong that you'd done it.

Allie seemed nice enough, as far as people in her line of work went that was, that I decided I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and try to get to know her better before making any kind of judgment on how I should feel. I was gonna be here for a while anyone, both recovering and to undertake that job. It wouldn't hurt to know a few people here if I ever swung by again, spread my seed a little bit around and have something to retreat too. Any town I stopped by I usually did the same.

And I was only now realizing what exactly that sounded like, considering Allie and last night.

Phrasing aside, if she really did turn out to be someone I could at least tolerate, then all the better, and if not, I wouldn't feel so bad about trying to spin her tale to my advantage. She probably knew more about the townspeople than they'd like her to know. Lips became rather loose when you were in the middle of relief after all. And I was sure that kind of information might come in handy if I played it right.

Now, I wasn't setting out with her to manipulate her like I was making it sound, but it wouldn't hurt to have a kind of fall back in the event things didn't work out well.

But everything else besides finding Alastor Makuru was secondary. I couldn't afford to get caught up in all the rest of people's nonsense, I'd sure as hell done enough of that already.

Last night was nice and all, but in the long run, things like these would always be short term. If I let myself become any more invested, there was always that chance I put everything else aside for what I thought was just a moment, only to suddenly see myself having forgotten about it entirely.

'Do you really think these little distractions will change anything?' I heard him question me, those whispers within my skull crawling around with a harsh echo. This was nothing more than what it had been, nothing had changed.

'Then take comfort in these moment's, Alex. It is all this world will give you until it decides to rip it all away.' I heard him tell me, looking away from Allie so that when that time came I wouldn't see it. 'Never forget what you are, for the world will never let you.'

A crooked smiled started to painfully form as I gave a small nod. I was a Sura, forever until I drove that blade through the man I once called my father's heart. This I had not forgotten.

'Make it your armour, wear it for all to see, and it can never be a weapon turned against you.' Where once it had been a sword trained on me, in time I would make it my shield, until there wasn't a thing the world could that at me that I wouldn't be ready for.