Chapter Two: The Most Ambitious Crossover Event
Unohana was not a hypocrite.
Or so she liked telling herself. It was always difficult to admit, especially when she was the token 'pillar' of morality amongst the Gotei 13 captains. Being a healer automatically gave her that edge: if Retsu stood by it, then it was the passive choice. But whatever her stance on a matter, it didn't mean the others were in any way obligated to set aside their approach and go her way. It took convincing, and given how obstinate some of her colleagues could get, compassionate reasoning wouldn't get her anywhere.
Which was why she was a skilled manipulator. It didn't take much besides an implied threat hidden behind a warm, maternal smile to make them sweat buckets, though she wouldn't say it would work a hundred percent of the time. Her success depended on who she was trying to break down, and there were only two conscious souls she knew of who could resist her dangerous aura, if only temporarily: Mayuri Kurotsuchi and Genryusai Yamamoto. The former she had no concern with since he was clinically insane and therefore inherently incapable of registering a threat. He was simply not worth the labor. Where others wouldn't risk finding out if her rumored anger was actually real or just a figment of their imagination, Kurotsuchi would gladly undergo extreme pain and possible loss of limbs simply to test that myth.
Although Genryusai didn't have the dangerous curiosity the freak from the Twelfth was famous for, he certainly had resilience. And the many years he had spent as Commander of the Gotei 13, he was an unmatched rhetorician that even Unohana couldn't bypass as easily with her infamous "are you sure about that, dear?" look. Of course, that meant it would take her an extra five minutes to get her way, provided he couldn't manage to convince her before that. But the moment she was at the door of the old man's private office, she knew she couldn't spare him so much precious time. The matter was too grave for her to compromise on, and she had already made up her mind to win the impending argument in record time.
Yes, Retsu was a hypocrite and she hated admitting it. But she was a hypocrite for the greater good of things. And the greater good called for Mayuri Kurotsuchi to not come along on their vacation trip.
"Thank you for having me at such short notice, Captain-Commander," she greeted her superior at the door and swiftly made way for the empty chair in front of him. She didn't give much besides a cursory glance, but she did spot the unusually thick files stacked on one end of his desk. Obviously paperwork regarding the trip, but it wasn't worth her knowing about for the sake of the upcoming argument.
"Yes," the other shinigami acknowledged her with a small nod. "Given how adamant you were on having a 'talk' right after the meeting, I couldn't refuse."
"Great, let's get right to the point then," she said as she took her seat, right before the curve of her lips dropped into a thin, pensive line. "Get Captain Kurotsuchi off the trip."
She saw Genryusai's great form deflate, but he had held back the involuntary sigh that typically would have followed. He had expected the demand the moment Unohana made her presence known during the after-meeting discussion with the said captain as well as Ukitake and Komamura the day before. There was very little use in beating about the bush, especially when said bush involved a much disliked officer. The sooner he could work things out the better, but it was easier said than done when the two opposing forces in this game weren't known to lose arguments. But if the stack of papers and the tired look of the old man was any indication, the Fourth Captain noted that he just wasn't in the mood for a "discussion".
Great, she practically had this in the bag.
"I would prefer not to," he replied, weaving his fingers as his palms rested on the desk. He wasn't going to go down without at least having put up a fight. No matter how spiritless.
"I would prefer that you do," she said as her lips began to curve into a dangerous smile. "I don't see the point of having a relaxing vacation with him in the picture. His concept of a good time is working in his lab, ours is taking time off. It would be to the benefit of everyone if he didn't come along – and he would agree with this too."
The old man paused, contemplating whether or not he could resist the threat in her deceptively gentle tone. He opened his mouth, either to give in or to bravely defend his stance against the imposing woman but it seemed like another thought held back his tongue. His droopy eyes flitted to the pile of papers and he mechanically reached out to it, sifting through each colour-coded parcel before he came across a specific one. He pulled out an ordinary manila envelope and handed it over to the Fourth Captain wordlessly, prompting her to raise a questioning brow. She understood the silent request and fished out the sparse sheaf of papers tucked inside the envelope.
The numbers, particularly the zeros and the red ink that cut through most of what was printed, made it apparent that she was looking at proposed budgets.
"If it were any easier, I'd have gone with my original plan of letting only those who agreed go," the Commander explained almost remorsefully as Unohana glanced up from the papers. "But then, as it turns out, a good holiday trip isn't exactly possible without Kurotsuchi somehow involved in it. And the only way to justify his presence was to have all my captains go."
"I really don't understand what you're saying here," Retsu confessed, agitated.
The old man sighed again before he pointed at the papers in her hands. She hadn't turned to last couple of sheets yet, and at the indication she pulled out the final one. Her eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline as she saw the impressive number scribbled at the very bottom of the page, with an "ACCEPTED BUDGET" printed in red right under it.
"Two reasons why I can't have him off the trip. One of them is right there," he explained, boggling the Fourth Captain even further, who was now carefully pouring over the words and digits etched on to the important piece of paper. Reading through it, she realized where that incredible amount of zeroes came from: the Twelfth's monthly funding.
"The other is that I don't trust him enough that he won't get up to his dangerous antics," the old man continued. "He might booby trap your barracks or kidnap division members for his experiments while you were gone. He knows to keep in line where there will be others to stop him."
Unohana had put the envelope down on the desk, still a little taken aback by the information she had just absorbed. The Captain-Commander wasn't kidding about giving them a "deserving" holiday. With a budget that huge, they could go on break for several days without worrying about spending too much.
"Of course, whatever finances I could afford to subtract from your respective divisions collectively wouldn't have made for a worthwhile trip. Except the Twelfth, though cutting their funding meant stalling a couple of their on-going projects. But without Kurotsuchi to supervise them as he usually does, they might as well keep things on standby until his return."
"You're forcing Captain Kurotsuchi to go so that you can justify cutting a third of the SRDI's budget," she summarized his explanation, although to her she sounded as if she was asking a question. "He'll never settle for this."
"You're right," he shrugged. "But his opinions on the matter are moot. The money's come through, and I want you to hold on to it while you're there."
"Me?" her tone was almost incredulous.
"You are simply the most trustworthy, fortunately or unfortunately for you depending on how you take it," he leaned back in his chair contentedly. Seeing the old man like this, compared to the tired look he had given her when she first stepped into his office, made it apparent to the Fourth Captain that he had already assumed victory. "But…" he continued, a ghost of a smirk appearing from under his whiskers. "I can assure you he will need to be on his best behavior unless he wants to risk you… spending out of spite, shall we say?"
It took a second longer than usual for the words to sink in owing to the confusing mix of emotions Retsu had been feeling at the moment, all of them on the negative end of the spectrum. But when that last line of dialogue rolled off the older man's tongue, it was as if the dark mood that had driven her to his office in the first place might as well have been a product of her imagination. She was at once aware that what sounded like a baby-sitting job was a momentary handover of the incredible powers Yamamoto Genryusai possessed over Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Powers so potent that she all she'd have to do was lift a finger to make the most impossible man in all of Seireitei dance.
"Oh," she worded.
"Oh indeed," the Commander acknowledged.
"Well then," she began as she lifted herself out of the chair, feeling surprisingly content despite the knowledge that she failed at her initial mission. She didn't want to think the glorious upside to her newfound duty was already getting to her head; to be fair, it probably was and she still felt oddly elated that the discussion went in the direction that it did. She took a moment to bow before mentioning that she'd been gone from the infirmary too long. It wasn't necessarily a lie since Unohana rarely ever was away from the facility for prolonged periods of time, but without any worrying number of patients and plenty of staff at hand, she had no real reason to rush. But where all had been resolved, there was little reason for her to stick around. The old man got up to return the gesture and Unohana was finally out the room.
"Aren't you in a good mood, today," an unexpected voice fell upon her ears as she turned to close the door behind her. She recognized it immediately and a devilish grin threatened to break out on her face. However devilish it can be considered – it still looked like the typical expression of motherly contentment that she always wore, but only she knew the real meaning behind it. She turned back to face the very man that had been the topic of concern not even mere seconds ago: Captain Kurotsuchi.
Who looked like he wasn't having a swell time, which was saying something considering how good he had it up until the announcement yesterday. She realized that it had been a long while since she or any other shinigami had seen him this pissed, and although she wouldn't say that she felt nostalgic over it, but it was still a more comfortable sight than seeing an uncannily chill Mayuri.
"I wouldn't say the same about you, Captain Kurotsuchi," Unohana feigned ignorance, blatantly enough for the other to realize she was picking on him.
"And I have you to thank," he spat through clenched teeth and she had to press her fist against her mouth to keep herself from laughing right into his face. But it wasn't enough to shield her amused expression from him and he growled at her audibly before storming past her, kicking the door open and loudly demanding from Yamamoto the reason for his summons when he had better stuff to do right now, thank you very much. The door swung shut by the end of that line and Unohana sucked in a breath to push down the fit of giggles threatening to escape her. She had only made it halfway down the hallway when she heard a muffled "ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?" from behind the office door and quickened her pace.
Yes, Retsu was a hypocrite, and she hated admitting it. So just this once she could vouch for this necessary evil, especially when it guaranteed some good laughs.
Two weeks.
Two fucking weeks.
The very thought of spending that much time away from his beloved lab in the world of the living with little purpose other than to 'relax' was just… maddening! Well, however maddening a situation could get for an already loony scientist who could give any B-movie horror villain a run for their money. The 'madness' that Mayuri was actually wary of was the kind that involved straightjackets, padded cells and thrice-daily doses of olanzapine. He was far too familiar with the thin line between mad scientist and just plain mad, only because he had to know where to stop himself before he unwittingly crossed over. After all, once he made it to the other side there would be no going back.
Of course Mayuri had a great track record with pulling out of the worst of situations, one way or another. Lost a battle with a Quincy? That is certainly annoying but he can just turn himself into slime and get out unharmed. And when summons are ordered for all captains to convene on an emergency basis, he can use his lack of a solid form to excuse himself from responding. More time for experimenting!
An Arrancar is using his lieutenant as a surrogate to reproduce himself? Good fucking job, that idiot. Now he can take his sweet time analyzing Hueco Mundo and nabbing all the priceless specimens littered about. His research would soar to new heights with all the precious new data he could pillage from that world!
Fourteen days in the mortal realm partaking in recreational activities in close proximity to his insufferable colleagues, with finances extracted from the SRDI and restrictions on him accessing the Senkaimon during the vacation period under threat of being tried for treason? Mayuri felt sick in the stomach.
Truth be told, he hadn't been feeling well at all ever since the bomb was dropped inside Genryusai's office. He should've taken Unohana's incessant snickering as a warning before walking into that trap, but he had been consumed by thoughts of upturning a box full of voracious rats right on top of her head to catch even the faintest whiff of things. After all, had she never planted the idiotic idea in the old man's head, he wouldn't be here standing at Sokyuko Hill, dressed in a floral-patterned shirt and Bermuda shorts. Ironic how they held high-profile executions at this very spot.
God, the entire week leading up to today was a blur, and it came as a frightening shock to Mayuri that his brain was actually capable of completely blocking out that many days of his life. He recalled giving orders to prep the gigai – he'd been instructed to make them years ago, just in case of course. He'd been justifiably annoyed at having to spend time and resources on something there was no guarantee that it would come into use when he could be working on better, more important things. Had his past-self known that he would eventually break them out of storage so they could go shopping and riding go-carts in the mortal world, he'd have had the gigai destroyed immediately.
Other than that, he was supposed to build a human vessel for the wolf-beast according to his specifications, but Mayuri didn't recall if he ever did get to it. He didn't care though. He didn't care enough for his own gigai that retained his natural appearance, untouched by the modifications he had rendered to his actual body. Reiryoku was dumb that way – it was specific to the individual, like DNA, and it was what went into producing an exact replica of the donor. An automated process, though it was a huge hassle redoing the tattoos, piercings, tans, nose jobs, hair transplants, and most other decorative physical alterations to the fake body's appearance. Mayuri's were the most drastic. And he was too busy not giving a fuck that he didn't remember to fix his own look until he realized it was already D-Day.
"Akon," he called to his subordinate in a voice so unsure that it would have surprised him if he already wasn't slowly slipping into a panic. "I have an idea: you take my place while I–"
"No," the third seat drawled as he exhaled a puff of smoke, concentrating on a spot in the far distance so he didn't have to see his captain's wide, reddening eyes.
"You little–" Mayuri's threat was cut off when another voice a little ways away joined in.
"Yo~, Saji~n!" an arm flung around his neck, pulling him into Kyoraku's side and nearly throwing the Twelfth Captain off balance. Mayuri had caught himself, lifting a leg to counter the sudden shift in weight and posture while hopping on the other briefly before he could find purchase again. He noticed the jovial buffoon had brought Kuchiki and Kenpachi, as well as their private entourages with him. "That's a really weird look you've got going on there, you don't think humans actually have blue hair?"
"Well we got one with pink," Kenpachi grinned, almost proudly, thumbing at the hellspawn perched upon his shoulder who screeched something about bringing back loadsa candy and whatever the fuck. Abarai, Madarame and Ayasegawa, who had been trailing behind with their captains' luggage and talking amongst themselves, took a pause to plug their ears.
Kyoraku stroked his beard in contemplation before shrugging in acquiescence, unaware of the shinigami currently struggling to relinquish his neck from the drunkard's vice grip. Kurotsuchi would have corrected Shunsui if he could, but with his esophagus being crushed, he could only wheeze pathetically and throw an angry glance at his squad members who were all making poor attempts at containing their laughter, except for Nemu who just stood there like a useless dolt. The very sight of such incompetence was instantaneously draining, and Kurotsuchi already stopped wriggling, wondering if he could expect to find the SRDI in one piece by the time he got back. He decided not to bet on it.
"And considering that we're surrounded by members of the Twelfth Division," Byakuya chimed, his tone characteristically withdrawn. "You might as well take the hint that this isn't Captain Komamura."
At that, Shunsui redirected his gaze to the ragtag bunch who had since recovered from their fit and were now sheepishly standing about, one of the shorter ones waving back hesitantly. He then looked back down at the deflated blue-haired man he had in a chokehold of sorts before returning to his elated mood and rubbing his knuckles into the now screeching Mayuri.
"Yo~, Kurotsuchi~!" he exclaimed before finally releasing his incredibly sour colleague, who rubbed his scalp with one hand while simultaneously waving a threatening fist in the direction of his snickering subordinates. "That's a really weird look you've got going on there, you don't think humans actually have blue hair?"
"Go fuck yourself," Mayuri flipped him off without looking in his direction, pouting.
"Are those corrective glasses or are they just for show?" the Sixth's Lieutenant inquired, having set his superior's travelling case down for a moment to approach Kurotsuchi to get a better look of his strange appearance. He didn't see much besides the moody captain snapping his teeth at him and hissing like a snake, a gesture that caused Renji to reel back, having half expected to get jumped and mauled by the freak. Yumichika had already leapt into Ikkaku's arms like a spooked cat but was promptly dropped on his ass.
By then, they could all spot the Fourth and Thirteenth Captains leisurely chatting away as they approached the lip of the hill, the Kotetsu sisters, Rukia Kuchiki and Sentaro Kotsubaki following closely behind. So that just left Hitsugaya, Soi Fon and Komamura, and Mayuri felt the pit in his stomach grow deeper as the moment of departure inched that much closer.
It had been four years since that long, drawn out battle with Sosuke Aizen, but for whatever it was worth, at least their world wasn't crumbling around them. He had some vague understanding of the delicate balance that reality is supposed to teeter on, and with that balance no longer under threat from the most cartoonish megalomaniac in all of existence, he figured that things were simply meant to go back to normal. So Uryu went back to antagonizing Kurosaki whenever the opportunity presented itself and brood in the corner when he'd be eventually dragged into a truce by Orihime. Not that Kurosaki paid any heed to Ishida's overt dislike of the Substitute Shinigami, so the truces were really just Orihime giving him a look that reminded him of an abused puppy to guilt him into hanging out with everyone.
And that was how he'd wound up here at the cat café, an untouched pastry and half a cup of now-cold coffee in front of him, and a litter of kittens currently scaling him. He had never denied Inoue before, but with the mewling pests without any concept of personal space clambering all over him, he had never regretted telling her off more than he did right now. Said woman on the other hand was having a swell time – in fact, she and Chad seemed to be the only ones who were content with the situation. Kurosaki had been ambivalent toward cats at some point in his life but had grown quite wary of them ever since the day he'd ran into Yoruichi Shihoin. Keigo was mildly allergic and had been constantly sputtering and dabbing his wet eyes with a napkin the entire time. Tatsuki and Mizuiro had about the same regard for felines as Ishida and had spent the better part of the day swatting away the more inquisitive of the café's permanent residents.
This little get-together was already floundering when the evening had only just started, and Uryu's patience was wearing thin by the second. But then he felt a sharp nudge in his side and snapped his eyes toward the offender: Kurosaki. The orange-haired man had his elbows propped up on the table and hands clasped together, hiding his mouth. He was staring back at Ishida, and the latter would've given him a snide retort if he hadn't noticed Ichigo deliberately looking toward the café entrance and then back. Uryu had quickly caught on and nodded, before noticing that Tatsuki and Mizuiro seemed to be in on the plan.
"Shit," Ichigo suddenly spoke up, a hand cradling the side of his head while his mouth formed a concerned 'O'. "I forgot I have an assignment due tomorrow!"
"Oh yeah," Mizuiro's eyes widened. "I accidentally missed the last submission, I won't even make the mean grade if I don't do this one!"
"Calculus, right?" it was Tatsuki's turn now, and Uryu had to struggle to keep himself from smirking. "Want me to help you out again, Kojima?"
"Hey I have a discount code for a couple rides on Uber," Uryu joined in, his words directed at Mizuiro. "I think your place is along the way to the hostel, I can drop you and Arisawa off along the way. How about it?"
Orihime had tried to protest but the urgency with which they all shuffled out of their seats and put their share of money on the table, blathering incoherently to keep up the façade, the poor girl didn't even have a chance to get her voice across. All she could do was pout confusedly as Ichigo went over to her and helped her out of her chair, practically dragging her out of the café while waving goodbye to the rest.
And Uryu waved back, for once actually grateful for Ichigo's scheme.
By the time Hitsugaya, Komamura and Soi Fon had joined them (although unlike the rest who had brought a handful of their squad with them, the Second Division captain was accompanied by an entire battalion of the Onmitsukido), they'd already picked up their luggage and were saying the last of their goodbyes before the Senkaimon was to be activated.
"Mayuri-sama?" his lieutenant meekly called to him and Kurotsuchi groaned. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Nemu's unbridled stupidity especially when he was too busy cursing his luck at the moment. He turned to face her although he didn't say anything, but him giving her attention was an indication as any that she had permission to speak. She was having a rough time saying whatever it was she wanted to say though, stuttering and fidgeting around nervously like a buffoon. It wasn't until Mayuri vocalized the order to speak that she finally found the words. "T-take care of yourself."
Kurotsuchi thought not to respond at first. It was strange to hear such a thing coming out of her mouth, and it was even stranger still that she thought it was something she decided he absolutely had to know before leaving for the living world. Under normal circumstances, it would have elicited anger from him, but he was simply too miserable to muster the energy he needed to be absolutely livid and stomp her toes. Instead, he opted to sigh and offer a bored "whatever."
Nemu nodded before fidgeting again and then suddenly wrapped her arms around the agitated captain.
"We're going to miss you," she said. And then came the awkward silence where a deadpanning Mayuri, his arms held up to his sides and suitcase dangling from one hand, began counting the seconds until Nemu would finally get off him. But when those seconds began leading into minutes, he realised she wasn't going to let go any time soon.
"Get the fuck off me," Kurotsuchi ordered, although his voice lacked its usual seething edge, and the girl pulled away immediately.
It didn't take long before the Senkaimon was summoned and a rift peeled away the spiritual divide between the two worlds. And as they all slowly started to move into the Dangai, Unohana stopped briefly to squeeze Nemu's shoulder reassuringly, the last to exit their realm.