Chapter Six: All Cats and Dogs Go to Heaven
He stared into the darkness, back wet with perspiration and heart pounding against his ribs. It took him a while to come to the realization that he wasn't inside the belly of the beast, rather he was sprawled on his bed, a pillow crushed against his chest in a bear hug. Releasing his hold on the misshapen pillow, he sat up and reached out in the pitch black for his pager on the nightstand. The screen came to life, the light painful to his still sensitive eyes, and he involuntarily sighed when he saw that it wasn't even 3 in the morning yet.
That dream had frightened him out of his wits and Mayuri was wary about going back to sleep and wind up seeing something just as or even more dreadful. Provided there was a chance slumber would come back to him easily – he was wide awake now and severely annoyed at both the dream and the hour at which he'd come out of it. Dropping back into the mattress, he closed his eyes in a futile attempt to swerve back into oblivion but the gears in his head were already turning at rapid speeds, processing the sounds, smells, sights and sensations of that fairytale nightmare.
He'd never had dreams this surreal before. Since his brain functioned at an abnormally higher order than most people, he only ever dreamt of number and equations from the previous day and would set about solving them in his mind. By the time morning would roll around, he'd have the solutions that only needed to be transliterated from memory to paper, chalkboard or computer. The one he just had right now though was something else entirely. And how frighteningly vivid it had been! So much so that when he'd opened his eyes he genuinely believed for a second that he was still stuck in the nightmare.
Shaken, he sat upright again and kicked his feet over the bed, toeing the carpet for his slippers and sliding them on. He made his way across the dark hall toward the bathroom and flipped on the light switch, standing in front of the mirror to observe the extent of the damage from the mace attack. His face was still blotched red and stung when he rubbed cold water over the affected areas, but the whites of his eyes had at least returned to their normal, healthy colour. The little wench responsible for this would've wound up in a petri dish if it weren't for the fact that she was a damn good cook.
Great, now he felt worse than before. Muttering a long string of curses under his breath, he exited the bathroom and descended the stairs, having decided that a late night snack might put him in a better frame of mind. He noticed the lights in the kitchen were still on but didn't think much about it until he finally turned the bend and found Unohana at the table blinking back at him. Mayuri clutched at his chest, his heart nearly exploding, and slapped his other hand over his mouth to muffle a startled cry.
"You scared the fuck out of me!" he wheezed in a low tone, audible enough for the woman having what looked to be sake but still not so loud that his voice would reach any other rooms. That scare had been real; the nightmare were still fresh in his mind and coming face to face with the witch so soon and so suddenly just wasn't what his nerves needed right now. Said witch rested her chin in her hand and exhaled tiredly, her cup yet to be drained entirely of its contents.
"You scared yourself."
"Well I don't expect to run into people at this ungodly hour unless they're here to burgle the place."
"I could say the very same."
Kurotsuchi scowled at her, failing to dig up a rejoinder. He waved a dismissive hand at her before heading toward the fridge and pulling the door open. He wasn't looking for a squabble right now, the previous day having so worn him out that he simply didn't have enough in him to pick any fights and come out unscathed as well. He ducked down and scoured the contents of the fridge, eyes landing upon a carton of milk.
"How is the, uh…" she trailed off. His shoulders fell when he realised she'd only made the query when she saw the nearly empty milk carton in his hands. He responded with another grimace. Sinking his face inside a wide bowl of milk had done what little it could to alleviate the burning in his eyes and skin but it didn't eliminate the pain completely. It still hurt when he touched the red parts of his face or directly looked at lights, and the humiliation it had wrought him made the pain worse in more ways than one. Kyoraku had joked on several occasions that Kurotsuchi's high tolerance for pain was the result of being pepper-sprayed by pretty women innumerable times. And to think that such a thing actually happened yesterday meant that there was finally some truth to that moronic claim.
Of course, he could've used the single vial of regenerative serum he had brought along with him (just in case, and cases had a habit of popping up where captain-level shinigami were about, even on break) but decided against wasting a literal miracle drug over something as trivial as mace burns. So he'd decided to bear with it until his gigai would heal on its own, and then he'd do his damnedest to forget that yesterday ever happened.
Retsu remained silent, an undecided look on her face. Her eyes slowly travelled from Kurotsuchi to the half-full bottle of sake on the table and then back to the Twelfth Captain again. She seemed to be mentally weighing her options and having finally made her choice placed one delicate finger on the wider end of the bottle, pushing it across the table in his direction.
"Would you like some?" she'd spoken with her characteristic tenderness, but the unsure edge in her tone wasn't lost on him. He eyed the bottle, contemplating the invitation and then remembered the weightless carton in his hand. Shrugging, he walked over, taking a glass from the counter and pouring out enough of the liquid for it to lick the brim. Where chemicals, serums and drugs had completely altered the internal workings of his actual body, alcohol was pitifully ineffective for him. Hence why Kurotsuchi found it distastefully ironic that he was glad his gigai had no such modifications that would make it difficult for him to drink himself into a stupor if he wanted to.
"By the way, Captain Kurotsuchi," she started once again. He took the glass away from his lips and leaned back on the counter, mild indifference colouring his eyes a damp shade. "I had meant to ask back when we had our little run-in with Yoruichi Shihoin but it completely slipped my mind…"
At the mention of that woman's name, his attention was now solely upon the colourless liquid swirling in his glass, disinterest amplified.
"I'm surprised she was able to recognize you with one look. And the way she talked to you, it was as if she was very familiar with you."
"More or less," he said, downing a third of his drink in a single gulp.
"Should I place my bet on "more", then?"
"There are plenty of visual clues that will nudge you in the right direction. You're a smart girl, you can figure it out."
His condescending tone earned him a frown from her but Unohana remained silent regardless, stitching her brows at the "visual clues" he had cryptically hinted at. Did he mean she was to pick apart what she'd seen during their exchange (and the King knows she even remembered half of it, owing to the anger that had consumed her during the Twelfth Captain's distasteful prank)? Or was there something else? It didn't take long for that something to click in her head, and she began compiling mental notes of the eerie similarities between the Shihoin woman and Kurotsuchi's gigai; dark complexion, golden eyes and the odd monochromatic colouration of their hair. Hair of that end of the colour wheel was an occurrence only among the Shihoin clan and, as it turned out, a brighter hue of it in at least one other person that possibly had blood ties with that house.
"You two are related," she vocalized her deductions which his unpleasant wincing confirmed were dead-on. "Distant cousins?"
"Very distant cousins."
Retsu's lips curled up into a cheeky smile, pleased with her detective work as well as one other sliver of information that she'd gleaned from all this. Of course, if he had pointed out his gigai as evidence for his relation with Yoruichi, then that meant its odd look wasn't something arbitrary. Nor was it a deliberate choice to make him stand out so much without the aid of his usual getup. He noticed her giddiness but the long moments of silence that followed, punctuated by the sound of her fingers drumming on the table, disconcerted him. Finding it simply too unbearable, he demanded the reason behind her infuriating grinning.
"I was going to suggest that you forgo wearing all that makeup and stuff," she said, eyeing the sake and wondering if there was still any left in there. It didn't matter anyway since there were several more bottles in the cupboards and she could take out any one if she was in the mood for more. "It would make it easier for me to deal with you if I have a pretty face to look at."
The flustered tint in his cheeks was unmistakable. He grumbled something awkwardly before tipping the tumbler he'd been drinking out from into the sink and storming off, refusing to make eye contact with her as he did. She chuckled at the sound of fleeing footsteps ascend the stairs and took a moderate sip from her cup.
His decision to consume alcohol around 3 in the morning turned out in his favor, irrespective of the embarrassment he'd suffered from the Fourth Captain's teasing. He'd fallen asleep as soon as the heat in his cheeks had faded away (thankfully a dreamless slumber this time) but even with 6 hours of shuteye his mind and body didn't feel rested. A cold shower didn't help either, and he trudged his way downstairs into the noisy kitchen where the antsy maid who'd maced him was busy prepping breakfast and making small talk with Hitsugaya. Around the table were the aforementioned boy and Ukitake, Kuchiki and Kyoraku, the latter of which who had his head down on the table and was bawling his eyes out.
What a morning to wake up to.
The noise was beginning to give him a headache and he muttered an order for Nemu to get him his coffee as soon as he took a seat. He noticed the strange look Kuchiki was giving him which he assumed was because of the rash-like blotches face. With the coffee still not in his hands as it should've been the second he gave the command, he barked for Nemu once again only to stop himself when he realized the error. Now the Sixth Captain's smirking made sense. He groaned miserably, pushing himself off the chair to reach the coffeemaker. The girl beat him to it, insisting on getting him some while spouting the same anxious apologies from yesterday. Mayuri rolled his eyes at her and returned to his seat, temples throbbing.
"I miss her so much!" the Eighth Captain whined, blowing his nose on his sleeve. "And she hasn't even called me once all this time!"
"It's hardly even been a day," Jushiro tried his hand at comforting his aching friend but it did little to alleviate his mood.
"That's long enough! She isn't picking up any of my calls… I get she's a busy gal but she could've at least been there to kiss her captain goodbye when he's going on vacation!"
"Well, she hasn't exactly forgiven you for that Valentine's Day card asking her to sit on your face…"
"It's been over a month since then! I ain't ever heard of a sane person holding a grudge that long over something as harmless as a card."
"I think it was the boudoir photograph collection you sent with it that's to blame."
"Whaddya mean? They were great photographs! Really accentuated my pectorals, if I do say so myself…"
"Would you like cream with your coffee, Monsieur Kurotsuchi? Sugar?" Miki inquired as she set the tray down on the table and picked up a spoon to mix the beverage but the Twelfth Captain had already dragged everything closer to him. He grabbed the sugar bowl and poured its contents into the mug, black liquid spilling out and collecting in the tray. "Um…"
"Take this back, Nemu," he said holding the sugar bowl out to nothing and then inexplicably releasing it from his grip, the porcelain splintering upon impact with the floor. Silence followed as all eyes were on the remains of the bowl while Kurotsuchi glared at the hand that had done the deed still distended in the air. Heaving an exasperated sigh, he rested his chin in his palm and took a gulp of his scalding coffee.
"Alright, hit 'broadcast'," he instructed and the boy complied. The TV flashed a buffer percentage and mere seconds later the screen switched to an enlarged version of what was on Hitsugaya's soul pager. The video thumbnails were polluted with large lettering and their accompanying titles made generous use of all-caps to make the subject more excitable than it needed to be. Okay, maybe the caps were justified since the content was just as baffling, but the team in charge of uploading the videos to their website didn't need such a strategy to invite more hits. The recordings seem to be doing ridiculously well on their own, as evidenced by the tens of thousands of views and comment threads that grew longer with each passing second, much to the chagrin of the captains who'd just learned of this development. The most recent video was a recording of the last half-an-hour or so of Toshiro's visit to the zoo yesterday, the title screaming "CAPTAINS GONE WILD? SAJIN KOMAMURA'S EPIC FAIL [YOU HAVE TO WATCH TO BELIEVE!].
Those who had gone shopping or were lost about town had only Jushiro's words and the empty kikanshinki they came back with to go by how completely insane their trip had been. Although in hindsight, it didn't do justice to the actual scale of the chaos that had been unleashed by Sajin that day. It wasn't until a couple of hours after breakfast when a bored Shunsui, who'd happened to have been scrolling through the Publication Department's website on his pager, stumbled into the videos Hitsugaya had been recording all this time. The gravity in his voice as he called on the rest drew a crowd instantly, but there was little that everyone could comfortably see on the tiny screen of his denreishinki. That was when Mayuri suggested broadcasting it to their television, but Shunsui's incompetence with that kind of "advanced" tech led them to anoint the Tenth Captain's pager as the bridge between Seireitei's webspace and their TV in the living world.
There were only three videos on the site so far, the first being Kenpachi's assault of the Substitute Shinigami immediately upon their arrival through the Senkaimon. Aptly titled "SUBSTITUTE SHINIGAMI FUCKING DIES [WARNING: GORE!]", it was the first one Hitsugaya was told to play. It carried out the same way as he had recorded it, save the ad banners that popped up on occasion along the bottom of the player.
The second one had captured said Substitute's grueling battle with invading Menos, although the focus eventually shifts to Kurotsuchi yelling incoherently (the guttural bellowing of the Hollows echoed so loudly that it was impossible to make out what anyone else was saying) as he and Sajin quickly set down a device which looks like it had been cobbled together with kitchen appliances, coat hangers and loads of duct tape. The piece of junk whirrs to life, quivering unstably and the Garganta is seen slowly stitching itself back together. The remaining Hollows are swiftly dealt with but a delirious Ichigo continues to swing his sword in the air. A small explosion is heard out of frame and the camera pans down to reveal a defeated Mayuri covering his face with his palm and Sajin running in from the side to hose down the fire engulfing their contraption.
As soon as the video ended, Byakuya had requested to hold off on playing the final one until he could gather the strength necessary to sit through it. No one said otherwise. They all needed a short moment to collect themselves before asking Hitsugaya to resume.
The last video began in the midst of a stampede of panicking mortals heading for the zoo's exits and escaped animals prowling the pedestrian walkways. Ukitake appears in the frame for a few moments with his hands in his air, staring in awe at the sheer havoc. The focus then shifts to Komamura who is perched atop an elephant, bellowing an animal cry that the beasts seem to comprehend. In the tree that the elephant is standing next to one can spot the leaves moving unnaturally before Kyoraku emerges, carefully inching along a branch and closing the distance between him and his colleague. Spotting a window of opportunity, the Eighth Captain leaps from the branch and tackles Sajin off the elephant, the immediate result of the tussle unknown as a monkey suddenly invades the frame and the video abruptly ends.
"Oh my god, I thought it was never going to end," Soi Fon groaned, rubbing her temple. "What are the comments like?"
Kurotsuchi, curious about what their subordinates were saying about them as well, pressed the navigation buttons on the remote and the screen rolled down to the comment section. The captains winced collectively, some even shielding their eyes from the savagery being unleashed in that section of the page. The top offenders it seemed were their own lieutenants and high-ranking seated officers, making crude jokes about how their respective captains were failing spectacularly to blend in with the crowd, the sheer incompetence that was apparent in the situations they themselves had created, and relating equally embarrassing things they'd seen them do in Seireitei. The latter in particular were generating additional buzz, squad members across different divisions either affirming the truth in what others were relating or contributing to the list of humiliating tales about their superiors.
"We're all going to get the rope when this vacation's over…" Sajin gulped, involuntarily rubbing his neck. "You've just killed us all, Hitsugaya."
"I wish," the boy replied gloomily. "The old man himself gave his approval in the comments."
"Where?" Jushiro demanded, both perplexed as well as excited at the prospect of keeping his job as well as his life. It was the best he or any of them could have despite the great hit their pride and authority had taken thanks to those videos. Save the Tenth Captain, they all leaned out of their seats as Kurotsuchi scrubbed through the comment section, rapidly scouring through the long line of curses, jokes and anecdotes until he finally saw Genryusai's handle and centered it on the screen.
"very niceee !i am really really enjouying this. everyone is havingfun ha ha ha ha…live love laugh, the King bless us…" it read.
A wave of relieved sighs followed.
"Anythin' goes with this guy, huh?" Zaraki wondered out loud
He'd been the only one to remain unaffected by it all, having done crazier shit and possessing little to no regard for the dignity his rank carried. His apathy toward authority and tendency to rip and tear whoever and whatever he felt like were so well-known that the Gotei 13 had given his streak of violence a free pass. The others however didn't have the same buffer as he did, and had further cause to worry for their reputations. They had no reason to enjoy the prospects of possibly being demoted, executed, exiled or becoming a joke among the Gotei 13 that they'd lose all influence over their own division as well as other factions with direct interests in their operations. Half their power lay in the diplomatic edge that their captaincy afforded them, and the other half in their own natural talents.
"Short of murder or porn…" Mayuri quipped morosely as he continued to scroll through the comments, this time slowly. "Oh fucking great, some of them are making up pairings."
"It has to be Hinamori," Byakuya glowered as he sunk further and further into the couch in an attempt to disappear from the face of the earth. He knew how lucky he had been that Hitsugaya had gone to the zoo instead of accompanying them to the mall. Had that been the case, he knew images of him clambering for dear life as women mobbed him would have gotten double-page spreads in the Seireitei Communication.
"It's Hinamori," Shunsui confirmed, having spotted his name in conjunction with Sajin no small number of times in the thread. The only other pair of names that came just as frequently was that of Kenpachi and Ichigo. "Hey, if everything's alright with the old man, can I send my videos too?"
"Well he didn't say we couldn't contribute," Retsu answered where Toshiro chose to remain silent, clearly annoyed that his plans to sabotage the vacation and return to Seireitei sooner than their expected return date had backfired spectacularly. "Captain Hitsugaya is only sending his recordings as part of his assignment. There are no restrictions on the rest of us if we feel like having the Publication Department put our content up on their website."
"Sweet!" he exclaimed, pumping a fist in the air.
"Captain Komamura?" Unohana turned toward said shinigami. "A word, if you will?"
His upright human form deflated, having anticipated the stern talking-to the Fourth Captain was to give him. She'd expressed her disapproval with a downward turn of her lips and a shake of her head back when Ukitake had related the incident to her. It was punishment enough for her of all people to think of him that way, and no amount of pleading that he'd given in to his overwhelming desire for justice was ever going to convince her or anyone else for that matter that he'd been in the right.
The very sight of his fellow beasts robbed of their freedom and being degraded as sideshow attractions to the entertainment of humans had colored his vision red. Though he only had the welfare of his brethren in mind in his attempt to free and then incite them to rebellion, in a strange twist of fate it turned out the zoo animals were actually rather complacent in their quaint enclosures. And why wouldn't they be? They were fed excellent meals on the dot, their abodes regularly cleaned by their human handlers and they had medical coverage too, all free of cost! Though they did thank Sajin in their language for pulling this exciting stunt, they weren't interested in making a break for the wilderness when the nearest forest was an island over.
With the revolt having been aborted before it was even conceived and being knocked from his perch by Kyoraku, he and his friends had been left to deal with the terrorized humans who were unfortunate to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Hence why their kikanshinki were now empty and there were no news reports of the incident on the local channels yet. He'd figured Retsu's muted objection was the worst he was going to get (and for him, it was the worst he'd ever gotten from her in his entire life). But now that she had seen for herself just how bad it was, he knew that another shake of the head wasn't going to suffice as proper punishment. Had he still been in his real form, his ears would have been drooping at his temple, tail tucked between his legs. In his gigai however, he could only hang his head in shame as he followed her into the kitchen, away from the commotion in the living room.
He had scarcely even crossed the threshold when he heard the doorbell ring. Retsu turned around as well, starting in the opposite direction but halted when Miki bounded down the stairs and assured between hard gulps of breath that she'd get it. The Fourth Captain thanked her and went back into the kitchen where Sajin awaited, his heart sinking.
"Yes?" the young girl called, sticking her head out from behind the door even though she'd opened it wide enough for her to stand comfortably in the frame and not block the way for whoever it was that just rang the bell. There was no one there. Scratching her head, she closed the door and began to make her way upstairs. The bell rang again and she returned to the entrance, once again finding no signs of a visitor. She leaned out and checked the sides to see if the visitor had strolled into the garden but found no soul. The girl pouted and closed the door again.
"Who is it?" Soi Fon appeared in the entrance to the living room.
"It was no one," she replied cheerily. "Probably some kids playing a prank or just the doorbell being finicky-"
Ding-dong.
Miki reached for the doorknob but the smaller woman stayed her hand.
"I'll see who it is. You can go back to whatever you were doing before."
She nodded and then ascended the stairs. Soi Fon pulled open the front door and stepped into the entranceway, hands on her hips as she surveyed the area. True to what the mortal girl had said, she spotted no one. She shrugged and was about to close the door when a voice near her feet said "Down here." Her eyes followed and beheld a cat, its coat a slick and shiny black and its eyes a vivid gold.
"Hey there, Soi Fon," the creature spoke in a husky, masculine voice. There was no way she couldn't recognize who it was. Overcome with awe and humility at being graced by her idol and former master's presence, the petite shinigami fell to her knees and began stuttering an apology for having failed to note her presence.
"Groveling doesn't become you," Yoruichi sighed. "Loosen up a little, kid. This isn't how you're supposed to enjoy your time off."
"Yes, Yoruichi-sama," she exclaimed and then touched her head upon the floor. "As you command, Yoruichi-sama."
"Jeez…" the feline rolled her eyes and then quietly padded inside, Soi Fon crawling after her while still in a kowtow position.
Her acute hearing had picked up disgruntled noises coming from inside long before she sauntered up the driveway. It was only when she finally had access to the interior that she was able to distinguish which voice belonged to whom. Peeking into the living room, she saw pained expressions on everyone's faces as they remain absorbed in whatever it was on their television screen. She heard the soft voice of a woman from the opposite room and turned in that direction, the Second Captain still scurrying along after, refusing to lift up her head.
Yoruichi came across a downcast man in a chair and Retsu Unohana who bent over at his side, a reassuring hand on his shoulder and a sympathetic smile on her lips. "Are we clear?" she heard the older woman say and the stranger nodded guiltily. Whatever their talk had been, it was apparent that it had ended, although it was difficult for the cat to understand why this new face was taking it so hard when the Fourth Captain's expression was so obviously tender. Then again, with the exception of Yoruichi and a few stray others, not everyone could read Unohana well enough to know when to take her kind words as encouragement or when to take them as a threat. Here it was most definitely the former and, to Yoruichi's great luck, it also meant she could crash this conversation without any disapproval from either party.
She bounded up the table and the two were taken aback for a second at the sudden appearance of a cat in their midst. The healer's eyes lit up when she recognized her, although for some reason the stranger right next to her stiffened, wide eyes locked on her. Yoruichi would've lifted a brow if her current form allowed it.
"Hello Unohana," the cat sounded ecstatic despite the deep baritone. She then shifted her gaze her stunned company. "And Somebody…?"
"Oh, this is…" the braided captain began but trailed off when she saw Sajin's mouth twitch into an apprehensive snarl. The feline had seen it too, sensing the threat far more acutely than her former colleague and slowly backing away. "I think you should run."
"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" the Seventh Captain bellowed, bringing two boulder-like fists down upon the table, taking entire chunks out of the marble. Yoruichi hissed and leaped off the table, the berserker vaulting after her and knocking down all the chairs. Riled into action, Soi Fon scrambled to her feet to come after her idol's aid but Komamura's hulking gigai barreled into her from the side. The petite woman was tossed across the room and would have slammed into the cabinets had it not been for Retsu catching her in her arms. The small creature clambered for the counter, skidding across the polished surface and narrowly avoiding the chair that came crashed down, pulverized the coffeemaker.
The Fourth Captain's pleas for him to stop went unheard, his animal instincts drowning any hint of rational thought. It was much the same case for Yoruichi who, blinded by profound fright, let her legs carry her across the slippery counter and into utensils and appliances. The kitchen entrance finally came into view and her muscles instinctively flexed, releasing with a sudden and powerful pop and sending her gliding across the air.
So when Kurotsuchi appeared under the arch, the commotion having drawn him as well as the others to come running to the kitchen, there were only so many ways things could have turned out. In the split second that it all happened, all Mayuri saw was a cat in mid-air with its claws outstretched before he felt a mass of muscle and fur collide into his nose. And in the next moment, excruciating pain bloomed where the beast had embedded its claws into his scalp.
He screamed.
What is a man to do with a cat latched on to his face? It wasn't a thought that the Twelfth Captain had any reason to entertain until now. The pain was so incredible that he wanted nothing more than to rid himself of it immediately, a moment of panic that led him to unwisely pull the cat off in one fluid motion. The claws raked deep lacerations across his scalp and face, coaxing a curse from him so foul that it would make even the toughest among the Eleventh blush. He tossed the creature helplessly wriggling in his grip over his head, only to see Komamura now torpedoing toward him.
A legendary thud reverberated across the house, Mayuri and Sajin a jumble of limbs sprawled out across the floor. Kenpachi erupted into a howl, grabbing his stomach and leaning against the wall for support as Sajin slowly lifted himself to his knees. He rubbed the side of his head, senses finally returning and he suddenly realized where he was and what was happening. He quickly pushed his weight off the crushed Twelfth Captain, sputtering out apologies as Kyoraku and Jushiro rushed over to his aid.
"Holy shit!" Shunsui exclaimed in awe as he propped the near-comatose Kurotsuchi up. "His eyes are making those swirly things you see in cartoons!"
"ThIs isN't EvEn mY fInAL fORm…" they heard the delirious shinigami mutter before his head lulled to the side, completely unconscious.