Happy Thoughts

Ten photographs taunted Hermione, Ron, and Siria on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Nine wizards and a witch— Bellatrix Lestrange— laughed, sneered, or tapped on their photo beneath the headline "Mass Breakout From Azkaban: Ministry Fears Pettigrew is 'Rallying Point' for Old Death Eaters". Siria tore the paper from Hermione, only thrust it back into her hands a second later. She took another piece of toast. [B5, 543-544]

"I can't today," Siria said as she swept more toast into a napkin and stormed out of the Great Hall. She shook her head. Laughter from the Great Hall made her stomach turn. How could anyone laugh at a time like this? She shunted the door open. Myrtle peeked through her door before passing through it.

Siria hung her bag on a stall door as she took a rubber ball from her pocket. She chucked the ball at the far wall and let it bounce back to her. The process continued with gritted teeth.

"How could they?" Siria cried. "The Ministry," she caught the ball and threw it with more force, "just sits— idly by while he rises from the shadows." She chucked it again. "Meanwhile, he's breaking into my mind and taking me over—" Siria squeezed the ball as though she could pop it like a small balloon. "Myrtle, I'm crazy. What could I possibly teach them that could matter…" Siria let out a bark of laughter, "I mean, what's it going to matter what I teach? We're children, ants to him."

"You're not an ant," Myrtle told her. "You're the Girl Who Lived. What could be a greater stain on his record than you?"

"I don't know that being a stain is much better," Siria tossed the ball absently in the air. "If I get the chance, I'm going to kill him." Siria clenched the pastel blue rubber ball.

"You don't mean that," Myrtle said. "You aren't a murder." Siria gazed over her glasses, at Myrtle.

"What choice do I have?" Siria asked. She chucked the ball back at the far wall.

"There's always another way," Myrtle said. Siria shook her head as she caught the ball.

"Maybe there isn't this time."

"You're just thinking darkly," Myrtle said. "Kenner said we need to think about happier things." Siria bounced the ball to the wall and back without reply.

"I suppose there is something I could teach them that might help."

By Saturday, everyone caught wind of the Azkaban breakout. Umbridge putting Hagrid on on probation went around, but was hardly spoken of because of the breakout. Siria tossed the pale blue ball against a cold, slightly damp, wall in the Chamber of Secrets. It seemed to boil her blood more than calm it, but she was sick of naming things she loved to quell her temper.

Myrtle giggled as she led someone near. Siria glanced to her watch. It was only noon. Lunch was still going on. Siria pocketed the ball. She whipped her Invisibility Cloak from her bag, pulled it over, then stepped behind the blackboard.

The tall, pointed silhouette of Draco Malfoy came into view. Siria sighed as she pulled the Cloak off. She focused on the silvery material as if it would hide her shame at the over reaction. Who else would Myrtle laugh with? She only ever laughed with Siria or Malfoy. Siria stuffed the Cloak back into her bag and stepped out from behind the blackboard. Malfoy startled a half step back. Myrtle reached to steady him, though her arms went through and he shivered.

"You're early," Siria said. Malfoy straightened himself up. He stared at the ceiling of the Chamber as he fixed his sweater collar.

"The others have gotten twice the practice this week," he said. "And Myrtle said you're always early."

"I am…" Siria eyed Myrtle. Myrtle covered her mouth.

"I'll go guard the slide," she giggled and flew through the ceiling. Siria's stomach knotted.

"Malfoy," Siria said as Malfoy said "Siria." They stood in silence. She scratched the back of her neck, which tugged at the necklaces.

"You're wearing it," he said.

"I," Siria said, "I probably shouldn't," she said and hastened to remove the necklace.

"No," he said. "I mean, that's the point of a necklace, isn't it? To be worn."

"Yeah," she paused with the chain held by her ears. Her cheeks hurt with blush. Siria pulled it the rest of the way off. She closed her eyes and took a breath.

"Draco," Siria said. It sounded weird in her voice, or maybe with how her voice shook like the outstretched hand. "I— you're really clever and you can be kind," she rose her head to face him, but his eyes were on the coin pendant. "Someone is going to fall head over heels for you… I just think it's not me."

Malfoy nodded. He rubbed his nose, like it would wipe away the blush. They remained, mostly still, rooted in their spots. He started, but stopped before a full syllable made it out. Siria squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to steady her hand.

"To be honest, I don't think I expected to be rejected," Malfoy said. "I thought I was subtle enough you'd just think I was charming or something." Siria peaked at him. His gaze was on the ground before her boots. At the small distance between them. "I do like you."

"Thank you, but I still like Moon," Siria said. He sighed and finally met her gaze. The flecks of blue weren't visible in this light. Just cold silver, like the chain that shook in her hand.

"I can't promise to not try and sweep you off your feet when you finally get over her or your next," he said, "but I get it. If she weren't Muggleborn, I'd probably rather date Moon than myself." Siria extended the chain further. "What am I going to do with that? Be reminding that you rejected me?" He scoffed. "Keep it, you…" but no insult came.

Siria let the chain hang in the space between them. Malfoy tucked his hands in his pockets. She eased the necklace toward her. He clicked his tongue at her slowness. Siria pulled the necklace back on and tucked it into her Weasley sweater, with the one from Sirius. Malfoy kicked a loose stone. Siria rubbed at the back of her neck. An hour before the others arrived, and already so painfully awkward.

"Now," Siria clapped her hands together before Dumbledore's Army. "With the Azkaban breakout, it's safe to say that dementors aren't on the Ministry's leash anymore," Siria said, "so we're starting the Patronus Charm." She smiled at the cheers of "yes" and "finally". "The most important thing for a Patronus, is a happy memory," Siria said.

"Like Peter Pan?" Colin Creevey asked.

"Kind of," Siria said. "But more than imagining fighting pirates, it's… getting your Hogwarts letter," her eyes fell on Lily Moon. Siria forced them onto Ron's face then continued around the Chamber. "It's flying a broom, getting a challenging spell, something that makes you really happy."

With her wand pointed away from the group, Siria called "Expecto Patronum!" The brilliant string of blue light constellations took its wolflike shape. It circled Siria as it surveyed the others, then faded away. She had them practice the incantation together a few times.

"Any questions?" Siria asked. She tapped her wand against her palm.

"What do you think of?" Colin asked. Siria grinned. She caught Hermione's eye. Hermione smiled back.

"Sometimes I think about tackling a troll," Siria said, "Hermione, Ron, something they've done or said that was funny, or something we did together that was great. Just now, it was actually signing my name 'Potter-Black' the first time, but I don't expect most of you to have something like that."

"I have a question," Zacharias Smith said. Siria pressed her lips together to stop herself from clicking her tongue and snapping back "of course you do." She gritted her teeth into a smile. Smith pointed. "What is he doing here?"

Alice Travers put her arm around Malfoy's shoulder and glared at Smith. Malfoy, who stood in the back, behind Cassius, and between Patricia and Alice, raised his head. Siria tapped her wand against her palm again. She took a slow, focused breath.

"He is here to learn, as I presume you are," Siria said. She glared into Smith's face. Some days, she wouldn't mind someone dropping a club on him.

"But he's—" Smith began.

"My cousin," Alice snapped. "And anyone with a problem with my cousin has a problem with me." Her hand shook on Malfoy's shoulder.

"Malfoy signed, same as you lot," Siria said. "He's as much Dumbledore's Army as the rest of you." Siria read Neville's face. Neville caught her eye then glanced at his feet. "If there are no more questions about the Patronus Charm, please separate into rows. We'll work on this the next few weeks. If anyone has trouble, I'll try to find extra time to practice in smaller groups."

Neville's face was screwed up in concentration. He was red and sweating by the time Siria reached him. Neville focused on the tip of his wand. An apologetic smile flickered over Siria's face.

"I'm sorry," Siria whispered under calls of "Expecto Patronum" around the Chamber. "I knew you were only agreeing to let Malfoy in because you're too nice to say 'no'." Neville stopped and let his wand fall to his side.

"You were really tired last term," Neville told his feet. "You work really hard on the D.A. meetings… you shouldn't have to do more."

"Thank you," Siria said. "May I?" She asked and gestured to his side. Neville nodded and took his position.

Siria stood behind him. She left a breath between them as she lined him up. "Are you comfortable?" She asked. He shrugged. She stepped back. "Stand how it feels comfortable," she told him. "That's how I feel comfortable standing, but be loose or hunch your shoulders, whatever is best for you." Siria waited until Neville nodded. "Do you remember when your uncle gave you that mimbulus mimbletonia?" Siria asked. He nodded. "Try thinking about that?"

Neville shouted the incantation, then again, then again. He screwed up his face again. Siria put her hand over his. "What about Snape in your grandmum's clothes?" Siria whispered. "Anything that makes you laugh or…" She grasped the air. "Something that makes you feel strong— no, empowered. Something you do or saw someone do that made you feel great."

Again, Neville shouted "Expecto Patronum!" Nothing. He tried again. Like a breath in the cold, a puff of silver vapor escaped his wand.

"That was it!" Siria cheered. "Neville! Neville that was brilliant; that's it!" She patted him on the shoulder. "Whatever you thought of, think of it again and remember you're getting there. You can go happier too," she smiled and watched Neville make vapor twice more before she moved on.

"I don't know how you do it," Susan Bones told Siria when she came around. "Everyone talking about you all the time," Susan clarified. Siria put on a smile.

"They'll stop," Siria said. "They'll forget about your family, but remember the Death Eaters." Susan gave a small, half smile that said she wasn't so sure. [B5, 550]

The Daily Prophet article on the Azkaban breakout brought a twisted fame to family members of the victims. Their names were almost as common as Siria's. Twice, Siria caught professors whispering to each other. They couldn't talk in the staff room, where Umbridge might happen upon them. Professors couldn't talk to students either, with Educational Decree Number Twenty-Five, which forbid professors from providing information on anything other than their subject material. [B5, 549-551]

Lee Jordan tried to tell Umbridge that Educational Decree Number Twenty-Five meant she couldn't tell Fred and George off for playing Exploding Snap in her class. "Exploding Snap's got nothing to do with Defense Against to Dark Arts, Professor!" Lee Jordan told her. He got lines. [B5, 551]

"Didn't you say you run warm?" Siria asked Lee Jordan. She eyed his gloves. He dodged her eye.

"It's chilly down here, though," Lee said. Siria supposed. She glanced around and saw more than half the D.A. in gloves. Siria placed her hands to her cheeks. They were a little chilly.

"Suppose I'm just being weird," Siria smiled and continued around the Chamber. Why would people need gloves after detention with Umbridge? It was just lines.

"Pathetic," Snape told Siria as he dragged her to her feet three weeks later. "Are you even trying, Potter-Black?"

"Of course I am," Siria said. She pried Snape's hand from her arm. "I don't know how to stop it. The voice is different than with the Imperius Curse. With the Curse, I hear someone telling me and my… I don't know, my stubbornness tells me not to listen." She tapped her head. "I don't have you telling me what to do with Occlumency, you're just there."

"Do you enjoy the Dark Lord penetrating your mind? Does it make you feel special to have this connection with him?" Snape asked. Siria rolled her eyes. "I asked you a question, Potter-Black."

"You asked two, sir," Siria said. "No to both, and— I don't approve of your choice of words, sir."

"Then repel me, so we can be done," Snape said. Siria sighed. "Legilimens!"

Uncle Vernon shouted. Curtains of greasy black hair flanked his face. He reached for Siria. Snape's office came into focus, but she blinked and a hooked nose man raised his hand against a sobbing woman. The office returned. [B5, 592]

"Did you mean to use a Shield Charm?" Snape asked. Siria paused. Snape adjusted his dark hair.

"Yes?" She said. "Kind of."

"Well, do it again," Snape commanded. The office disappeared and she was sobbing into Snuffles. Her right arm was paler than her left. It had only just gotten the cast off. Siria wanted to tell the girl that it was going to be alright. She tried to tell her no one would hurt her again, but that wasn't true. [B5, 592]

Snape's office blurred before her. Siria wiped at the tear that burned her cheek. She wished she could hide behind her wild mane, but it was braided back. Instead she focused at the floor.

"That will be all," Snape said. Siria swept her bag off the floor. "Remember to clear your mind, Potter-Black." She nodded and left. Siria rested her head against the cool corridor wall.

"Clear your mind," She scoffed. How was she supposed to do that? How could she clear her mind with Dumbledore's Army, the Azkaban breakout, the extra Patronus lessons, Quidditch, that neither Sirius nor Remus turned up any good news about if she would have to die? Then there were O.W.L.s. "You're turning into Hermione," Siria told herself. "Worried about O.W.L.s." she shook her head as she climbed the stairs. "You could die before results arrive."

"Potter-Black!" A girl called Siria. She was cute. Her hair was kinky, like Travers's. She was smaller than Lily Moon and thin as a pencil. "Do you have plans for the Hogsmeade Visit?" the girl asked.

"I do," Siria said.

"Oh…" she shuddered. "Of course you do," she choked out a giggle and hurried away. Siria leaned over the staircase, to watch the girl hug her friends.

"Oh…" Siria said. She clicked her tongue at herself. Her plans were hang around with Hermione, since Ron had a date with Olive. She scratched at the back of her neck and continued to climb. It was fine. She didn't need to add snogging to what stopped her from clearing her mind… not that it wasn't on her mind.

"Heard you turned down Storm's sister," Cedric said in their next Patronus lesson. Siria squinted as she tried to remember. "I mean, it sounds like half the girls have asked you to Valentine's Day tea."

"Honestly, I'm this close," Siria put her fingers a hair apart, "to just saying 'yes' to someone, so they stop."

"Must be nice," Cedric smiled. "Cho and I are done, but no one's asked me."

"Poor Ced'," Siria said. "Maybe if your ex's bestie stopped hexing people, you could date someone else."

"Cho's not having people hexed," said Cedric.

"I think Cho's none the wiser, but Edgecombe is absolutely hexing people," Siria said. "Didn't you hear about that poor third year, not that you'd date anyone that young." She read her watch. "Later, Cedric," and she blew the whistle to call attention.

"Siria!" Dennis shouted. Siria turned with her wand raised. She dashed to Dennis, an ear to ear smile. "Did you see?" Dennis asked as Siria swept him up into a hug.

"I did!" She ruffled up his mousey brown hair. "That was brilliant, Dennis !" She beamed as she put him down and they started at the spot his Patronus stood, just a moment ago.

"It's a wolf, just like you," Dennis said. He rose up to the tips of his toes and Siria lowered her ear. "Doesn't that mean I'll be one too?"

"I think so," Siria whispered back. She hugged Dennis again. "I'm so proud of you; it's a really difficult spell," she reminded him before she continued around the room.

"You're terrible," Siria heard Smith say across the Chamber. She turned on her heel and started toward them.

"You're even worse," Malfoy told Smith. "At least I've got vapor to come out."

"Well, it's dark down here," Smith tried to argue. Siria covered her smile.

"Then anything produced would be easier to see," Malfoy said. He tightened his grip and more wisps of vapor released from his wand.

"Potter-Black," Smith called. Siria gave a wide smile that told Malfoy she'd heard them. "Show us the spell again."

"Please," said Malfoy with a sideways glance to Smith.

"Please," Smith repeated, but rolled his eyes.