I'd like to express my gratitude, as always, to my beta Amy. I'm aware that you have had to deal with a monster of more than 100k words and English is not my mother tongue, so I value your effort even more.
Go visit Kate's blog and enjoy her amazing art. There is no specific art for this chapter, but the photoset that she created for the previous chapter also serves for this one.
Sara, thank you so much for everything.
A bit of angst here… We will know how Killian deals with the anniversary of Liam's death and how that leads him to a confrontation with David. He may find unexpected comfort in one of his students…
CHAPTER 5
Killian Jones. Storybrooke - December 2, 2017
He was running, fleeing in despair as his heart beat frantically in his chest and his lungs burned. Menacing shadows loomed over him while he tried to make his way through the fog, his legs always moving, escaping the terror that haunted him.
Despite his attempts, he could feel his pursuer approaching him more and more, extending its tentacles to the point of almost touching him while a murmur - like an echo of multiple voices - began to reach his ears. Killian hurried forward, covering his ears in a desperate attempt not to listen to the message that was approaching inexorably.
Just when he seemed to have won enough distance, he found an impenetrable wall that slowed his progress. A fierce fear seized him when he felt caged, with no possibility of escape, while the ghosts loomed over him until he could not do anything to avoid hearing the message. Defeated, he gave up, preparing for the inevitable.
"Your brother is dead." The chorus of dreadful voices repeated the message over and over again, causing it to penetrate into him, digging a hole in his heart so deep that it reached his very soul.
"No!" Killian woke with a start, drenched in sweat, his heart hammering against his ribcage, threatening to come out of his chest. Bloody nightmare. He tried to calm his agitated breathing, inhaling and exhaling slowly as he ran his hand over his face and hair, a thick fog occupying his brain.
He dropped his head onto the pillow while massaging his temples. It's just a nightmare, he tried to convince himself, although unfortunately, there was no possible consolation, not when the frightening dream was not going to fade once he had woken up. That nightmare had been nothing more than the reflection of an irrefutable reality - his brother was not going to come back.
Even so, his troubled sleep had managed to drain all the energy from his body— the excessive level of alcohol that still ran through his veins had also contributed— and an extreme tiredness seized him again. He was not afraid to go back to sleep though because, whether awake or asleep, the reminder of Liam gone forever was going to accompany him until he exhaled his last breath.
When Killian woke again a few hours later, he did not do it because of a new nightmare, but a deafening sound that went through his head, as if someone was digging a hole straight to his brain.
He was unable to detect the origin of the sound at first, his mind still too clouded after the excesses committed the previous day. His senses seemed to wake up gradually, at least enough to finally identify the source and make it stop. He fumbled for his phone on the bedside table without even bothering to open his eyes.
"Bloody alarm." He croaked, the words rasping his throat, while he resisted the urge to throw the phone against the wall to stop the damn noise. Instead, showing the little awareness he had at that moment, he slid his fingers across the screen, turning off the alarm and finally getting his bedroom to be quiet.
The absence of sounds did not make his terrible headache fade, rather the contrary. It became more evident now that there was no more noise to distract him. He groaned while rubbing his forehead in a vain attempt to curb the pain. Not only did he not get any relief, but his mind seemed to clear enough to remind him why he had set the alarm. His classes on Saturdays. Emma.
A deep exhalation escaped his lips as a mixed sensation of regret, guilt and shame settled in his stomach, increasing his nausea.
The very idea of crawling out of bed and unfolding his mask of charm did nothing but build up his general unease. There was no way he would show up in class in this state, hungover and miserable, with nothing worthwhile to offer his students except his battered person and the demons that tormented him.
At least he had managed to get to bed last night, he thought bitterly as he made a decision. He typed a quick text to Belle, informing her that he could not attend the class for personal reasons, then he silenced his phone and placed it back on his bedside table. He tried to settle into his bed, sinking back into his pillow and covering himself with the sheets in an almost desperate attempt to get sleep to invade him again and his turbulent thoughts to give him a rest.
David Nolan. Storybrooke - December 2, 2017
David let out a long sigh as he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to gain enough determination before opening the door, really afraid of what he would find. He was standing in front of the door of Killian's apartment, holding the keys with one hand while passing the other through his hair, reluctant to take the next step.
He had received a call an hour ago from Belle, informing him that Killian would not be attending his class today. A tug of uneasiness had settled in his stomach from that moment, though he had already begun to suspect from the previous day, when Killian had refused to meet them.
It was a significant date for them, marked in red on the calendar. He was aware that it was hard for his friend, he really was. Damn it! He was having a really bad time too. The reminder that his best friend had died ten years ago was not easy to bear.
But, Killian's mourning did not seem to have eased over the years. David had hoped that maybe staying away from the place where everything happened would mitigate his suffering. It did not seem like that though, if Belle's call was an indication.
And now he was afraid of the state in which he would find his friend - maybe passed out in his bed with a bottle of rum at his side, maybe lying on the sofa, semi-unconscious, or suffering alcohol poisoning in the worst scenario... Stop! The best way to find out was to open the damn door. He finally turned the key, holding his breath.
He found Killian sitting on the couch, his head resting against the back of the sofa, eyes closed and a cup of what looked like tea on the coffee table. It could have been worse, he thought with relative relief as he let out a quiet sigh.
His friend did not even flinch with his arrival, as if he had been waiting for him or as if he was not yet fully aware of what was happening around him. "What are you doing here?" Killian mumbled in a hoarse voice, a clear vestige of his previous drunkenness, not even bothering to open his eyes.
"Making sure you're still alive." David replied harsher than he intended but the whole situation was starting to get on his nerves.
"Well, I'm still breathing, as you can see. Mission accomplished. You can now go and spend the rest of the day with your lovely wife." This time Killian did look at him, his eyes bloodshot and fatigue evident in the lines of his face. Still, he seemed to be in a belligerent mood, and that was the Killian most difficult to deal with.
"You are hungover." David's words did not come as a question but as a confirmation, his hands on his hips, not letting himself be overwhelmed by the attitude of his friend.
Killian let out a snort while shaking his head. "We're perceptive today, aren't we, mate?"
"Why?"
A humorless laugh escaped Killian's mouth, somehow causing his sensation of uneasiness to increase, his stomach clenched into knots. "Well, that's obvious, isn't that?"
"Humor me." He said simply, not willing to join his game, but trying subtly to help him open up to him.
"I was mourning the death of my brother, or now isn't it allowed to drink to relieve..." Killian paused, as if he had thought better what he was going to say "...to forget?"
David did not respond immediately, hesitant about how to continue, though the words burned on the tip of his tongue. He was already tired of going warily around Killian, he needed to react in some way, to realize that if he kept going that way he was not only not going to get over it but the hole would get even deeper. "Not if that prevents you from carrying out your responsibilities the next day."
Killian's features hardened in an instant. "So, all this is about your bloody course? I will compensate the students. Not to worry, mate. And now, if you'll excuse me... " He pointed to the door with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"To hell with the course, Killian." David threw his arms in the air in exasperation. "Don't hold onto that because it won't work." Before continuing, he took two deep breaths, trying to pull himself together. He did not want to start a fight with Killian, but to make him understand. "Do you think it's easy for us to see how you prefer to lock yourself in here and drink yourself into oblivion instead of leaning on us, your friends?" Your family, he was about to say, but somehow he thought that would not be appropriate at this time, although he felt it totally was that way, especially in situations like this, when a weird feeling took over him, thinking that he was acting like a father would do it by telling his son off.
A tense silence fell over them at that moment, making David aware of the situation in which they were positioned. He was still standing, defiant, his whole body tense. Killian, on the other hand, remained sitting on the couch and seemed defeated now, his shoulders sagging as he ran his hand over his head and hair. He had not even bothered to put on the prosthesis and his stump now rested on his lap.
David swallowed the lump in his throat as he sighed heavily. "What will happen next, Killian? What will happen in a couple of months when it will be the anniversary of the death of..."
"Don't you dare say her name." Killian cut him abruptly while raising a finger in warning. "It's so easy for you, isn't it?" He hissed, the bitterness written all over his face.
"Is it easy for me? To see you suffer that way? Do you forget that I also lost my best friend ten years ago?"
"It's hard to forget, Dave. I'm sorry that you're stuck with the wrong brother, but from today on, I release you from your burden. You don't need to feel obligated to worry about me anymore. You can go back home and live your happily ever after with your wife."
David shook his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Somehow, Killian's words had acted as direct darts against his heart. "You don't have the exclusivity of suffering, Killian. Maybe when you get out of that spiral of self-loathe that you've imposed on yourself, you'll realize what's around you. You're not the only one who is tormented by his demons of the past."
Killian arched an eyebrow as his lips drew a smirk that had little authenticity, a twitching muscle in his jaw betraying his tension. "Let me see if I've understood correctly, you are suggesting that Prince Charming, the perfect man, is stalked by ghosts of the past? Maybe a dirty little secret? What would it be, mate?" He leaned forward a bit in a challenging attitude.
It was evident that Killian was using a self-defense mechanism, but that did not prevent a tug of frustration from seizing him, as he verified that his visit had not only been a waste of time but that he had also made the situation worse in some way. David felt his shoulders sink as he clenched his jaw and held his gaze for a few seconds, but the coldness in his friend's eyes caused him to finally look away and begin to turn in the direction of the door. "Lunch is in our house tomorrow. I hope to see you there. Do it for Mary Margaret at least."
Without waiting for an answer, David started walking with a defeated step. Killian's next words, however, made him stop short, his breath caught in his throat. "He knew it, didn't he? Liam, did he know your secret?"
Killian did not bother this time to mask his feelings, rather the contrary. His voice showed in a raw way all the frustration, bitterness and sadness that he had been carrying all these years. A pull of guilt settled in David's gut, while he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, feeling increasingly helpless. "Yes, he did." He muttered, not even daring to turn around. "See you tomorrow, Killian."
When David left the apartment he had to lean against the wall for a moment, trying to calm his agitated heart and wondering how the hell he was going to explain to Mary Margaret that, instead of helping their friend, he had managed to plunge him further into misery.
Killian Jones. Storybrooke - December 2, 2017
The moment David left the apartment, nausea crept up Kilian's throat. He had barely enough time to crawl into the bathroom and empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Then he dropped on the floor, a cold sweat, accentuated by the coldness of the tiles, running all over his body, his headache becoming even more intense.
He was a selfish bastard, he thought in frustration as he let out a deep exhale. David's veiled confession repeated over and over again in his mind as he kept wondering why his friend had waited until now to expose himself in that way. He was not sure if he wanted to know the answer though. Maybe David had done it to protect him. Or maybe his secret was not that important and he did not think it necessary for Killian to know it. Maybe he just did not trust him.
He was aware that he had been unfair to David by reproaching him when his friend had only tried to help, but the rollercoaster of emotions that he had experienced in recent days was taking a toll on him, leaving him unable to function properly.
Killian did not blame David for trusting his brother as his confidant, after all, they had been, best friends. That was not what affected him most but rather the growing sense that David had lost his best friend and had instead been stuck with the broken brother, the one whom he always had to help put his pieces together. And what had he offered him in return? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
What kind of person had he become so that his friends had decided not only not to entrust their burden with him, but that he had been completely unaware that they were harboring a secret?
The very idea that his actions could push David and Mary Margaret away was impossible for him to bear, making his heart tighten as an overwhelming feeling washed over him. He could not lose his friends, practically the only good thing that he had managed to cling to in the spiral of destruction to which he was subjected.
But he also needed to know what they had been hiding from him. Maybe it was time to put the cards on the table and face reality, instead of hiding under the layers of suffering and helplessness. Maybe the time had come to take hold of his own life. And the first step would be to atone up for his mistakes, pay the debt he had acquired with his friends and make them see that they could trust him.
Just as he made his way back to the living room, Killian remembered that he had left his phone muted in his bedroom when trying, unsuccessfully after David's visit, to isolate himself from the world.
To his surprise, when he grabbed the phone he found several messages, all from the same person, Emma.
Hey, Belle just told us that today's class has been canceled. I hope everything is fine. ES
Are you alright, Killian? ES
I'm here, if you need to talk or something. ES
Tell me something, please, I'm starting to worry. ES
After reading her messages, Killian's lips curled slightly, drawing the closest thing to a faint smile. He hadn't forgotten that Emma and his growing escalation of feelings towards her had contributed to his break down the previous day, but the fact that someone, beyond the Nolans, was concerned about his welfare was something he was not used to. Killian took a deep breath, letting a warm sensation travel to his heart. Next, he typed a message back.
I'll be fine, love. See you on Tuesday? KJ
Her answer didn't take long to arrive in the form of a short text but that he felt like a breath of fresh air, causing his smile to become wider.
Of course. Don't believe for a second that you're going to get rid of me so easily, Jones. ES
Needless to say, Killian could not refuse lunch at the Nolans' the next day. Before arriving at his friends' apartment, Killian had decided that the first thing he would do would be to apologize for his previous behavior. However, all his determination went out the window at the moment when Mary Margaret opened the door and welcomed him with a smile that did not reach her eyes.
"Killian! It's great that you could make it. Come in!" The fact that his friend seemed genuinely surprised by his presence there did nothing to mitigate his inner turmoil, increasing the feeling that he might have fucked things up with his friends, making their interactions awkward, in contrast to the naturalness and closeness obtained after so many years of getting to know each other.
The words of apology had burned on the tip of his tongue throughout the lunch, but the conversation between them was reduced to the minimum of courtesy, while his friends cast sidelong glances at each other when they thought he was not looking.
Killian could tell that David was also tense, at least his jaw clenched and his gaze fleeting seemed to indicate it. He also could detect a shadow of something resembling regret crossing his face.
When Mary Margaret disappeared in the direction of the kitchen with the excuse of preparing coffee, throwing on the way a look full of intention to her husband, the tension became so thick you could cut it with a knife.
The moment of truth had arrived. Or so he thought. When his gaze met David's intense gaze, a sense of growing panic crawled up his throat, making him unable to face back to whatever tormented him.
He sat up suddenly, rubbing the back of his neck, his heart hammering in his chest. "I better go." Killian muttered an excuse and rushed to the door.
"Killian! Wait! We should talk."
Maybe it was the hint of plea in his friend's voice, but his words managed to reach him. He turned slowly, afraid of what he would find when he looked into David's eyes.
His troubled expression and his look full of regret caused his heart to fall to his feet, feeling guilty to see his friend in that state. Killian rubbed his eyes with his hand as he took a long breath, in an attempt to calm the frantic beating of his heart.
"I just.." David trailed off, tilting his head slightly upwards as he exhaled. When his gaze returned to look for his, its intensity, far from disappearing, had increased. "Listen, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday."
Killian opened his mouth in an attempt to reply, but David held up his hand in sign of letting him continue. "It was out of place especially because you were in a vulnerable situation given your state, but if I told you all that, it was not because I was judging you, but because I was trying to help you." David paused again, his lips drawing the closest thing to a tiny apologetic smile. "In the wrong way, I'm aware of it now. Anyway, I get it. You're still overwhelmed and hurt, but maybe we can find some time during the next week to have a quiet talk, you and me. What do you think?"
Killian nodded slightly, a shy smile pulling at his lips. "Aye, mate, I'd like it." The moment his words left his mouth it was as if the weight David had been carrying on his shoulders suddenly disappeared. His features softened showing the relief he felt and making Killian, in turn, also feel much lighter, part of all the accumulated tension, finally giving him a momentary break.
Just as he was leaving his friends' apartment, his phone started buzzing in his pocket indicating an incoming message. He hurried to unlock the screen, while a tug of anticipation settled in the pit of his stomach.
Hey, how are you doing? My offer is still standing. I'm here, if you need to talk. ES
He tried to assess all the reasons why it was wrong to meet Emma again, but in the end, his heart was stronger. His fingers slid nimbly across the screen, typing a quick response.
I may use that offer. Are you free now? KJ
Meet me at Granny's in 30? ES
On my way. KJ
Killian arrived at Granny's in fifteen minutes and decided to wait for Emma at the bar, letting his thoughts wander freely while stirring his coffee. When the bells above the entrance door announced the arrival of someone, his muscles tensed in anticipation. He did not even have to turn around to know that Emma was already there.
"Hey there." She greeted as she dropped onto the nearby stool, her scent and warmth immediately surrounding him, making him feel light-headed.
"Hi." The corners of his lips twisted upward in an attempt at a smile, while his gaze met her hypnotic green eyes.
"So coffee?" She questioned and waved a hand at the waitress —not Ruby this time— pointing to his coffee mug while mouthing quietly " the same ". She then addressed him, "Something told me that, when it comes to having deep conversations you would be a rum, or any other stronger liquid, kind of guy." It was obvious that she was trying to lighten the atmosphere by teasing him, at least that indicated the tentative smile she offered him.
"Don't underestimate the power of coffee, love." He teased back by raising an eyebrow at her, earning an eye roll on her part. "Also, after having ingested more than a considerable amount of rum the other day, it did not seem appropriate to add even more poison to my system today."
"So that was the reason why you canceled the class yesterday? Because you were hungover?" There was no reproach in her words, but rather something similar to understanding.
"Last Friday was the tenth anniversary of my brother's death." He confessed quietly, unable to stop the glimpse of grief in his voice, his gaze fixed on the coffee mug in front of him. "People might think that ten years is more than enough time to overcome the death of a loved one, but it seems that I'm the exception to the rule." He did not dare to look at Emma for fear of what he might find. Instead, he continued talking. "Besides, I may have had a confrontation with my friend."
"Hey, Killian, look at me." He felt Emma gently squeezing his upper arm in an attempt to get his attention. After letting out a deep sigh, he finally dared to look her in the eyes. "That's why I'm here, isn't it? You need someone to listen to you, so here I am. I'm not going to judge you, not when I also carry my own ghosts."
Maybe it was her words uttered with a gentle cadence, or her smile of encouragement, whatever it was, it worked as a catalyst for Killian to decide to open up to her and confess all his worries. Not all, actually. His thoughts and feelings towards her remained locked in the deepest recesses of his heart.
His confession came in the form of a torrent of words unable to be stopped. He confessed how deeply his brother's death had affected him and how he felt in relation to his friends. Weighed down with the permanent feeling of not reaching Liam's level, he feared he would not only disappoint them, but also would be just a burden for them to the point they could not trust him with their secrets.
This was the first time he uttered these feelings out loud and certainly, the confession had a liberating effect. Even so, a tug of regret settled in the pit of his stomach, since his intention had never been to drag Emma to his miseries and yet at the first opportunity he had done just that.
"I'm sorry, Swan, I shouldn't..."
His attempt at an apology died on his lips when Emma placed her index finger on them, gently brushing them. "It's okay. I think it's my turn now, right?" Her gaze sought his and he responded by nodding in silence, as a signal for her to continue. "First, I'm so sorry for your loss." She paused for a moment as she averted her gaze and bit on her lower lip, in a thoughtful gesture, as if deciding what to say next. "My adoptive parents died when I was only three years old so I barely keep any memories of them, but I have that feeling, like a hole in my heart - although in my case the reason is not because of what I lost but because of what I could have had."
His heart skipped a beat when he heard her confession. Instinctively, he reached out his hand for her arm. "Emma..."
She shook her head. "Today is not about me, it's about you." Her lips drew the ghost of a smile. "It wasn't my intention to compare your loss with mine. I mean, even after all these years, I still feel the meaning of their absence. So maybe we should focus only on trying to live with the loss, accept it, instead of overcoming it."
Killian took a deep breath and let it out slowly, while assimilating her words. "You're right, Swan, but sometimes it's a bit hard, especially when you don't have to deal with only one loss." His words slipped through his lips before he even had time to process their hidden meaning. Quickly, he tried to rectify, "but better if we leave that tale for another day."
Emma's eyes bored into his for a few seconds, as if she were studying him, trying to figure out what else was hidden behind his words. Finally, she let it go and instead continued. "And as for your friends, how many years have you known them?"
"Almost twenty years." He admitted reluctantly.
"Twenty years... Do you really think that your relationship with them was going to last for so many years just because they feel responsible for you or see you as just a burden? Come on, Jones. You're a lucky guy for having them and I suppose they are too for having you as their friend."
"I'm not so sure about that, Swan, I'm starting to realize that I've behaved like a bloody selfish brat all these years."
Emma snorted as she shook her head with an expression of disbelief on her face. "I can't believe you did not offer them anything, Jones. Don't think so little about yourself."
Killian rubbed his eyes as he squeezed his brain for some memory, something to cling to, even if it was only a glimpse. Suddenly, an image popped clear into his mind, an image of happiness on a sunny London afternoon. A wedding. The Nolans' wedding. And Mary Margaret's words when he, at that time no more than a teenager who still had a lot to learn, had asked her puzzled why they had taken so long to get married if they had been together since forever. "Because it never seemed the right time, until we got here, we met you and we knew we wouldn't want to share this moment with anyone but you, brothers Jones."
The corners of his lips twisted upwards, as a wave of affection for his friends reached his heart. Emma must have noticed his change of attitude, because she immediately encouraged him to express what was going through his mind. Killian confessed his memory, a small anecdote that had gone unnoticed at the time but that for him, given the circumstances, was now precious.
"That's so cute, Killian. I'm sure you may have hundreds of memories like that. Maybe it's a good idea if you focus on them, don't you think?" Emma suggested softly and he could not help but nod, since she was right. They had shared many small memories, the four of them together, until, after Liam's death, everything had gone to hell. He pushed those thoughts beneath the surface, trying to put Emma's advice into practice.
"Sometimes I had the feeling that they, both David and Liam, were trying to make up for my father's absence by acting themselves like one towards me, although neither of them was old enough for it. There were times when it seemed like I had two fathers, with all their implications, both positive and negative."
"I can imagine." She commented while both shared a short laugh, but that at least served to ease the tension. Once subsided, Emma asked again. "Don't they have children of their own?"
"No. I asked David once, since it seemed strange to me that, given their paternal instinct, they would not have become parents themselves. He replied vaguely, something like they had had the opportunity a long time ago but they lost it."
Another negative thought crossed his mind as he remembered that conversation, overshadowing the small moment of calm they had just passed through and causing his sense of guilt to increase. Even so, he did not feel able to push that memory away this time, but decided to share it with Emma.
"See? Another proof of my selfish attitude." He could almost savor the bitter taste of his words. "Instead of inquiring more about the reasons, I let it go and never asked again." A myriad of possibilities, some of which were disturbing, made their way through his mind, while the overwhelming feeling increased.
"Killian, I can hear you thinking, Just stop!" Emma demanded, as she squeezed his upper arm, causing him, even reluctant at first, to seek her gaze. "You can ask them now. In fact, you should do it, explain to them the same thing that you have explained to me. They will understand, and maybe that is how they'll decide to open up and share their secret with you."
Killian gave her a smile of gratitude since Emma, once again, was right. He should talk to his friends. In fact, he should have done it that same day but instead, he decided to run away, too cowardly to face what he could discover.
"Aye. I'll talk to them." He assured looking into her eyes. She was directing him a look so intense that he felt lost for a few moments in the depth of her green eyes to such an extent that he had to look away before doing something he could regret, like kissing her senseless as a sign of gratitude. Again.
It was a mistake. When he managed to turn his gaze away from her eyes, he focused on looking around. His gaze fixed on the shelves full of alcoholic beverages, tempting him almost agonizingly. "Bloody hell, I need a drink so badly right now." Killian mumbled, looking down, while he ran his hand through his hair in an almost desperate attempt to calm his anxiety.
Emma got up at that moment, causing in him a sinking feeling for fear of having pushed her away at the time she finally realized how broken he was. Instead, she offered her hand, pulling him to the exit, but not before depositing some cash on the counter.
"What are you...?" Killian could not finish the sentence because, just as Granny's door closed behind them, he was silenced by Emma's lips on his. This unexpected kiss caught him even more off guard than the previous one but he soon reacted, cupping her cheek with his right hand and pulling her towards him as he deepened the kiss.
Like the previous one, it was raw, passionate and a bit desperate. He melted into her embrace as he explored her mouth in a demanding way, unable to think at that moment about the reasons for that kiss, only feeling how she seized all his senses in such a way until he almost lost control. Almost. Gradually, the reason returned, making him, although reluctantly, move a little away from her, seeking her gaze.
"Why?" He breathed against her lips feeling as she shuddered into his arms while licking her lips, as if savoring the vestiges of their kiss, no sign of regret in her eyes, quite the contrary.
She simply shrugged, "it served as a distraction, didn't it?" She whispered a few inches from his lips, her warm breath sending goosebumps all over his skin. "Besides, I really wanted to."
Killian closed his eyes as he rested his forehead on hers, too overwhelmed with the whole situation. "Don't play with me, Emma." He almost begged, while his heart thudded in his chest, intoning a silent prayer.
"I'm not playing, Killian." Emma caressed his cheek then, making him look her in the eye again. He could only see honesty and also fear in the brightness that returned her gaze. "I... my heart is broken, but with you, it's like it starts working again, and that paralyzes me with fear. In turn, though, it gives me hope that maybe this time, there is light at the end of the tunnel."
He could detect in the lines of expression and in her body slightly tense between his arms that this confession was proving difficult for her, but even so, she had managed to be brave enough to express it out loud. He couldn't disappoint her. "And you want me to accompany you until you reach that light?"
"Until we both reach that light." She corrected him. "How about trying to get to know each other first? I want to know more about you, just as I want you to know my secrets too."
"So this has not been a two-times thing?" He teased, purring the words in an attempt to lighten the tension.
"Let's leave it in that it may happen again, but without promises, if that works for you."
"Aye, love, but just for the record - when I kiss you again - and I will kiss you - it won't be as a means of distraction or as an impulse, but because you and I both want it."
They both remained lost in the other's gaze for a few seconds until finally, Emma seemed to react, disentangling herself from him and offering him her hand instead. "So, friends first but leaving the door open for something else?" The way in which her bottom lip caught between her teeth was so distracting that he had difficulty concentrating.
He forced his gaze to travel from her lips to her eyes as he nodded. "Let's wait then for the course to end so no one can accuse me of privileged treatment, that's when the fun begins."
"Good." The smile she gave him back, a flash of white teeth and curved lips, was so full of promise that he was tempted to kiss her again. He held back, though.
The reason told him that he should be cautious, that there was no way he would not come out unaffected of this, that Emma had the power in her hands to destroy him irreparably.
His heart instead — oh, his heart — beat frantically in his chest, the warm sensation of her body against his made him feel alive for the first time in a long time. For that reason, he decided to jump into the void and cling to that faint flame of hope that burned in her eyes.
A fierce determination settled in his chest. He would fix things with his friends and unravel the enigma that Emma Swan still entailed for him. And he would begin to face life without fear of consequences.
Thanks for reading. Let me know what did you all think :)
What to expect from the next chapter? The angst is not over yet (in fact it has just started) The next chapter is one of the most important in the entire story. We will finally know the truth about The Nolans and how Killian will react when he finds out about his friends' secret and its implications.