Chapter 4: Dr. Liara T'Soni
A cold, dark silence surrounds me. No light in sight. It's eerie, but still seems peaceful. Have I died? With a thump, a steady heartbeat breaks the silence. No, I'm alive. The sound echoes as the blackness surrounding me changes. Wait, this is the same dream from before!
Suddenly, the blackness surrounding me bursts into a fiery red. Just as it did before. With the flames of a fire and the loudness of an explosion, I'm confronted by a new, yet familiar, scene.
Everything is on fire around me. Again.
Through the flames, I can only see more darkness. The shadowy figures, blacker than the darkness, stand as they stare at me. Who are they? Why am I seeing them?
In a menacing way, these figures point at me just like how they did before. "The only one." They say in the familiar dark, ominous tone. Their eyes glow a bright red as the drumming of the heartbeat—my heartbeat—becomes the bass behind the sudden sound of an alarm. Then, the downpour of rain begins dowsing the fire.
It's the same as before.
While the flames dissipate within the darkness, the smoke rises from the ground up to surround the darkened figures. As if they were being swallowed by the smoke, the darkened figures fade away, leaving the eerie darkened room. This is really weird.
Once the smoke clears, I'm able to see polished tables and computers on either side of me. Yet again, I'm standing in the middle of a science lab of sorts.
Lining the walls are the coffin-like containers. They're still darkened and barely noticeable, and the doors with windows still shows what contains them. People. Now, I can make out features. They're all different species! Each coffin-like container has a different symbol etched on its outside. A series of numbers. Brandings. Each starting with a single letter. A's, K's, H's, T's, followed with hyphenated three-digit numbers. "A" for asari, "K" for krogan, "H" for human, and "T" for turian. Although, most of the containers with a "T" etched in are empty.
What is this? I ask the darkness. My gaze moves down each container as the numbers increase in value.
I continue down this path until I reach the last lone container.
Instead of looking into the darkened window, I focus on the door. Only the branding number etched on the outside: H-990. A word, also etched on the container, is visible—but illegible. I can't read it. My vision is blurred, but only to this one word. Again. Damnit!
-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Hours later, I start to hear voices talking all around me as I feel the coldness of the bed below my body. They took my shirt off? "She was shot, but I do not believe that was the cause of her collapse." I hear Dr. T'Soni say.
"She must have overused her biotics to save those children…" I hear Kiera say.
"No. That wouldn't be possible. Biotics are trained at a young age in order to prevent that." Dr. T'Soni says.
"Look at those scars…and a tattoo…" Kiera says. Great, and she put a emphasis on the fact that I have a tattoo. My body is nearly covered in scars from burns and blades and gunshots. The tattoo is the grim number: H-990. "She was a space rat after all…"
"Don't assume anything…we don't know about any of this." Dr. T'Soni says as the image of the original crew of the Normandy SR-1 comes to mind again. Now, I can see faces. As I look at all of them, I notice a familiar face—Dr. T'Soni. After realizing this, I jolt as I open my eyes.
"Knight!" Kiera says as I sit up.
"Are you all right?" Dr. T'Soni asks as she looks mildly startled. "Are you in any pain?"
"No…" I say as I sit up. "…I'm fine."
"What happened to you?" Kiera asks and I look at her.
"Why did you take my…?" I say as I look down at my body. "The meti-gel healed me…why—"
"I've taken your clothes off before…if you're that concerned." Dr. T'Soni says as I remember the attack on the Goliath. My clothes were replaced with clean ones. Oh, right. I must have missed that. "Only, I was the only one examining you at that time. Kiera was eager to check up on you and-"
"Do all space rats have these scars and tattoos?" Kiera asks and I shake my head. The doctor rolls her eyes as she raises a hand to her face.
"No…just me." I say and look away. "I'd rather not talk about it, if that's alright."
"What does the tattoo mean? You don't have any others…" Kiera says. She's really pushing for answers I don't really have here.
"I don't know…I…please don't make me talk about it." I say and Dr. T'Soni hands me a clean shirt.
"What happened before you collapsed?" Dr. T'Soni asks, changing the subject as I pull the shirt on. Then, after the shirt is on me, I nod at her—acknowledging the change of subject was intentional.
"I just…felt tired all of a sudden…" I lie and feel Dr. T'Soni rest a hand on my shoulder. Suddenly, I hear a woman say "Liara" as I see a picture of Dr. T'Soni.
"It must have been shock from going from almost dead to fighting." Kiera says and I look at her as the memory stops.
"Yeah. That must be it." I lie and look back to Dr. T'Soni. She looks like she's trying to hide herself from looking shocked. Asari can see more than what's in front of them, right? Could she have seen what I've seen? No, she couldn't have. We've never joined our minds. I must be imagining things.
"I should run more tests." Dr. T'Soni says as I hear Kiera and Danial stand up.
"I'll, uh, leave you two alone. Okay?" Kiera says awkwardly as I hear her leave.
"Dr. T'Soni. Are you all right?" I ask and she smiles as she looks almost lost in thought.
"I'm fine, thanks." She says as I feel that she's lying. "I don't see any signs of trauma. You can go, if you're feeling all right."
"Thank you for sticking up for me…no one's ever done that for me before." I say as I watch her facial expressions. She looks as if she's seen a ghost.
"It was nothing." She says with a small smile.
"If you say so." I say and she backs away from me. Then, I stand up. Should I test her? Can I trust her with what I know about Commander Shepard? I want to know, since she seems to know a lot about her. "What do you know about Commander Shepard?" I ask under my breath as I make my way to the door, stopping just before reaching it. Damnit, Knight! What the hell are you thinking?
"She was a hero and a friend to me and our crew." She starts. Her voice is timid, yet rigid and thoughtful. "She saved everyone she could during the war and years before that."
"She did, yet so many people would say otherwise." I say and turn to face her. She looks like she's almost repulsed at my words. "There were many people who opposed her…still, many people believe in her actions as strongly as you do."
"Of course I do!" She says as I sense her anger rising. "I was with her every step of the way. She did everything right. This galaxy saw that at one point, so why..." She says and sighs. "Why are you saying these things?"
"Commander Shepard was…an inspiration to me for many years." I explain as I contemplate on my memories starting out in Alliance training. Dr. T'Soni starts calming down as she watches me closely. "I never went to school because I never had the means to."
"You lied to us?" She asks and I smile. She looks mildly disappointed. "So, learning about the Normandy and Commander Shepard was a lie too?"
"No. I learned everything I know now on my own." I say. Great, my secret's out. Nice one, Knight. I shut my eyes for a moment, in frustration, and sigh as I open them again. "I would sit outside on planets I visited and read the documents I stole from libraries across the galaxy. I wanted to know more about Commander Shepard."
"That was before you joined the Alliance?" She asks and I nod. I wonder what she's thinking about.
"I joined the Alliance at the first chance I got so I could learn more about her…but, after years of searching for answers, I gave up on learning more about the Commander and I started living for myself for a change."
"You were already living for yourself by then. Is there a difference?"
"Yes." I say and sigh with a calm smile. She's not angry with me. "I stopped asking myself what Commander Shepard would do. Instead, I started asking what I would do." I say and turn around to leave. "I should…probably go now." Just as the door opens, she stops me.
"Knight." Dr. T'Soni says and I turn my head to look at her over my shoulder.
"Yes, doctor?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"No. It's nothing." She says and smiles. This time, it's a smile as if she just figured something out. Something that was too shocking to say. "We can talk more, later."
"Okay." I say and leave.
-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Later, on the starboard observation deck, I was sitting on the couch looking out the window again. "Something interesting going on with the stars?" Lt. Danials asks as I feel him walking next to me. I didn't hear him walk in, so it nearly startled me.
"Not really." I say as I watch his reflection in the glass sit down on the couch next to me.
"So, how did this space rat end up joining the Alliance?" He says awkwardly, then he clears his throat. Is he nervous? "I mean…you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I smile to myself as I shake my head. I guess I can tell him.
"I was rescued by an Alliance soldier fifteen years ago." I say as I start remembering the time I joined the Alliance. I was running from a slaver's client.
"Rescued? What did you do?" He asks, suspecting me of breaking the law. I look at him with a slightly angry stare before looking away.
"Remember that batarian I talked about before? Katar…he eventually sold me to slavers…Space rats tend to end up that way." I say and I feel a hand on my shoulder—just briefly. It was awkward, but a small gesture showing that he cares—well, that he's trying to anyways. "I was running from a buyer when the Alliance showed up."
"I'm sorry…I didn't know." He says and I look at him.
"It's not something you would have learned about in any school or Alliance data file." I say and notice that he looks uncomfortable.
"Why wasn't that in the reports then?" He asks and I sigh. "Isn't it standard protocol for the Alliance to keep records of each individual soldier's past? Everything ends up being recorded—usually."
Although I'm not obligated to tell him the full explanation, I can reassure him a little with the dumbed-down version of how it happened.
"When I finished my training, I asked Admiral Coen to destroy any record of that…incident, and any related information." I say and he smiles, as if he understands. "He was…very forgiving of my past. I asked him why…" I sigh as I smile "…he said it was because I had the resolve to become stronger. I wasn't going to let what happened in my past affect me. That's why he agreed to do what I asked."
"The Admiral is a good man, isn't he?" He says with a smile and I look away again. I quietly nod in agreement. Suddenly, I hear someone walk into the room with loud footsteps.
"What are you talking about?" I hear Kiera ask. Then, I look at her as she sits by Danial. The lieutenant looks embarrassed. As if he was caught in the act of doing something unusual.
"We weren't really talking about anything." Danial says as he clears his throat. Kiera looks at both of us. I shake my head to side with the lieutenant. Maybe I misjudged him. Ignorance isn't something you can control when you don't have the means to. It's not his fault for not knowing much about me—not that it doesn't make me angry when he assumes the worst about me. But, nonetheless, at least he tries.
"I'm sorry about earlier, in the med-bay…I didn't mean to pry." Kiera says and I feel her honesty.
"Don't worry about it…" I say with a drawn-out breath. I'm not angry, just uncomfortable.
"I wanted to ask you, Knight." Kiera says calmly. "Who trained you to control your biotics? I've never seen any biotic I know fight like you do."
"I was never formally trained." I say, honestly, and they look shocked with their jaw slightly dropped.
"Then, that's why you collapsed earlier…" Kiera says and I look out the window again.
"Maybe…but, I trained for years to control my biotics in a fight." I say as I think about the long nights I spent by myself in Alliance training, training myself. "The Alliance trainers couldn't trust me enough to train me to fight with my biotics. So, I saved using my biotics until the testing days came." I say as I remember the tests. Kiera and Lt. Danials silently listen. "When I trained, I would act as if I were using my biotics, but didn't—to try to keep the peace. You could say I learned from trial and error to control my biotics during a fight…then, one day, a burst of my biotics sent me flying. After that, I found something new to train." I say and notice the two smiling. "It wasn't too long after that when I started using my biotics in front of my superiors, and they reported me to the council. They called me a rogue biotic and tried me for being an endangerment to the Alliance."
"We know. It was in the reports." Kiera says and I look at her.
"You could have been locked up for that, stripped of your good standing, and kicked out of the Alliance forever." The lieutenant says and smiles slyly. "Was that really necessary?"
"I had to test my biotics in a real fight, somehow." I answer and he grunts with a smile. "I guess for you it would have been as if they took your rifle away and told you that you had to find a 'safer' way to fight."
"You still could have told someone before that happened." He says and I shake my head.
"They wouldn't have taken me into battle if I did that." I say and he sighs.
"I guess you have a point…" He says and I look away.
"What happened after the hearing?" Kiera asks. Again, I can't go into too much detail, but I can manage to shorten the explanation a bit.
"After the hearing with the council, I was sent on a mission with Alliance elites to watch my every move. They wanted to test my abilities in a real fight, without risking potential Alliance officers." I say and look down. "My biotics were untrained, and unstable at best…but, we managed to complete the mission with no casualties."
"Then, the Admiral made you an official Alliance soldier." Lt. Danials says and I nod. "You graduated at the top of your class, even with all the negatives you had on your record."
"It took them months to decide if I was ready." I continue. "When I was first stationed on Goliath, it had been five years since I graduated from the Alliance training school. I had been practicing fighting with my biotics regularly and was starting my training for becoming a tactician."
"The Goliath took the bulk of the jobs in the Alliance. How did you manage to squeeze in any extra time for any kind of training?" He asks.
"I had a lot of down-time…" I explain. "The crew and other soldiers on the Goliath never really trusted me…I didn't have anyone to spend my breaks with."
"You mean, you didn't have any friends?" Kiera asks and I nod. "You know, that actually explains a lot."
"The rest of that story…you already know." I say, cutting the long story short. Danial stand up.
"You're right. We do know." He says as Kiera stands up. "We're going to bed, you should too."
"I will. Later." I say and they silently leave the room.
Minutes later, as I continue to stare at the stars, I hear someone walking in from behind me. "Miss Knight? You're still up?" I hear Dr. T'Soni's voice.
"Dr. T'Soni." I say and turn to face her as she walks further into the room.
"Remember what we talked about before?" She asks. I nod, then she sits down across from me. "What do you know about Commander Shepard?"
"She was Earthborn…and a sole-survivor of the battle on Akuze." I start as the doctor stares at me. She's testing me now, I see. "She joined the Alliance at 18 years old, and became the council's first human Spectre about 6 years later." I say and the doctor nods. "She defeated an indoctrinated rogue turian Spectre named Saren shortly after becoming a Spectre and saved the council when the Reaper, Soveriegn, attacked the Citadel." I continue as she nods. "Months later, she died from a collector ship attacking the Normandy SR-1." I say and she starts to look nervous. "The shadow broker stole her body and attempted to sell it to the collectors shortly after." I say and realize the name T'Soni came from the reports I dug up. "Now I know why you wanted me to talk about this…you're Dr. Liara T'Soni, aren't you?" I ask and she looks shocked.
"Although I've only been going by Dr. T'Soni for over a century now. No one calls me by my first name anymore." She says as I sense her nervousness become more intense. "Where did you get this kind of—"
"You saved Commander Shepard's body from being sold to the collectors and gave it to a terrorist organization known as Cerberus so they could attempt to bring her back to life." I say and she looks away, nearly scared. This is definitely information someone would need to dig up through an information broker—which I did. "Risky, given that Cerberus was a terrorist organization only in it for themselves…" Then, I suddenly have a vision of Commander Shepard embracing Dr. T'Soni. The memory was as if it was intended to stop my anger towards the doctor. The moment was calm and had the sense of peace—forgiveness. "She forgave you…I thought…" I say as I remember reading reports that said the commander left Dr. T'Soni to fight alone with her new team of soldiers. Dr. T'Soni slowly looks back to me as I feel myself turn white.
"Miss Knight…" Dr. T'Soni says as I notice her looking at me. She looks calm, but not scared anymore. Almost like she had won a battle. "…you look pale. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." I say and start remembering the reports I read again. "Commander Shepard…defeated the collectors by destroying their base and the Omega 4 relay. Six months later, she started gathering people to fight against the Reapers for the war." I say and Dr. T'Soni smiles. "When she was ready, she destroyed the Reapers and saved Earth—ending the war...and her own life."
"You've spent your life learning all of that?" She asks and I nod. "Why?"
"No reason…" I say and she stands up, then sits next to me.
"Spending your life to gather that kind of information has to have a reason behind it." She says and looks into my eyes. The sudden movement makes me feel uneasy. "Does it have anything to do with those visions you've been having?" She asks and I look away from her. She knew… "You don't need to hide it. I sensed your visions earlier in the med-bay."
"Why do you want to know?" I ask, but I already know the answer.
"Commander Shepard was very special to me." She says and I sigh silently at the realization that she wants to probe me for answers. "If you want to keep this a secret, I will not tell anyone. You can trust me."
Fine. I guess I have nowhere to run if I refuse…
"They used to be just dreams, but…since I boarded the Normandy…" I say and look at her. "…I don't have many memories of my own childhood, but I know more than most people do about Commander Shepard." I say and she puts a friendly hand on my shoulder—trying to comfort me. Instead of just a friendly hand, however, I feel and see Dr. T'Soni and Commander Shepard exchanging a promise—the commander promised she would always come back to the doctor, Liara.
Suddenly, I'm jolted back to the present—out of breath.
"Perhaps these visions you've been having…aren't a coincidence after all." Dr. T'Soni says as she stares at me, then takes her hand off me. "Salarians have the belief of the circle of life…reincarnation…maybe—" She says, suggesting that I'm the reincarnation of Commander Shepard.
"That's impossible." I say sharply and sigh as I see the doctor's shocked expression. "I'm sorry…but, I don't believe that."
"Humans had the belief of reincarnation centuries ago…" She says as I see the pain in her eyes. She must be grasping for anything in me related to the Commander—in hopes of finally being together again.
"I'm sorry…I know she was special to you, but I'm not her." I say and stand up. "I didn't mean to make you upset..."
"How long have you been experiencing these visions?" She asks and I feel her becoming calmer. Then, I feel her standing behind me and I turn to face her.
"Since before I joined the Alliance." I say and she looks into my eyes again. Damn, and I thought I was desperate for answers.
"I see." She says. I look at the window with my as just before I have another vision of her and Commander Shepard looking at the Normandy through a glass window. "Have they always been this frequent?"
"No. Like I said, they were only dreams before…" I say as I remember a friend of mine telling me to forget about the visions, dreams, I was having.
"Maybe it has something to do with the ship…" She says and I turn away from her.
"They're just dreams." I say and see Dr. T'Soni's reflection face the window. "Maybe I just recognized the ship from my research? Yeah. That must be it."
"You must have known who I was when we first met. That kind of information is not public knowledge." She says as she looks at me. "Why try to reason it away? Why is it so hard to believe that you might have Commander Shepard's soul?" She asks and I remember all of the people telling me to forget my dreams.
"Why should I believe in such things? I don't have the right…" I say and sigh. I may have her memories, but I can't really be Commander Shepard. Even though I think this way, I can't let it affect Dr. T'Soni. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. "I'm the one who brought this up…I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You did nothing wrong." Dr. T'Soni says and I look at her.
"I had to do the research on the commander…to understand the dreams I was having." I say and look out the window again. "I told my friends about the dreams, but…they told me I was insane. They even offered to turn me in to a psych ward." I say and look down at my hands in nervousness.
"Those people don't sound like friends to me." She says and I smile.
"Yeah. It's too bad that we never said goodbye before I left to explore the galaxy on my own. I wanted answers. Proof that what I was seeing actually happened." I say and sigh. "The information I found barely scratched the surface of what I've seen. That's why I wanted to learn even more." I say and look at her. "I feel like I'm giving you false hope, doctor. I'm telling you this after saying I don't believe I share the soul of the commander. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I understand that this is important to you." She says and smiles. "Besides, I think it's interesting to hear about your experiences."
"It's been a while since I last talked with someone about this. The last time…" I say and look back at the window. "The last time I told someone about the commander, I was ambushed by a slave-trade organization. One of their agents was pretending to be friendly with me." I explain as the scene plays out in my mind. "It happened the day the Alliance saved me…When the slave traders found me, they nearly killed me. Stabbed me so I couldn't run away. If the Alliance didn't show up…" I say and sigh. "Most of my scars are from that time."
"That's horrible." Dr. T'Soni says and I look at her. She looks remorseful. "I can't imagine…"
"Don't. You shouldn't worry about that. It happened over fifteen years ago." I say stoically. "I'm over it. Besides, I've completely cut ties with my past. I'm not the same person I was."
"Are you really that different?" She says. Her words shock me. I wasn't expecting her to say that. "More knowledgeable, maybe, but you are still you." She says and I feel a hand on my shoulder. "A simple erase of those records only means that no one but you will know what happened. I can tell you are strong, but you can never forget those times…you can only forgive them."
"You may be right…" I say and smile at her. I feel calmer. For the first time since boarding the Normandy, I'm glad that I'm here. "Thank you for talking with me." I say and she lowers her hand as she smiles back. "I guess joining the crew of the Normandy was a good thing after all." I say and give her a small smile.
"Was there ever any doubt?" She asks and I start walking to the door.
"You could say that." I say as I feel her walking behind me. Then, I stop as I reach the door. "At least there's one person I can trust…"
"Maybe we could be friends?" She asks and I turn to face her.
"I haven't had a friend since…" I say and stop myself from ruining the moment with sadness. "I would like that, Dr. T'Soni." I say and her calm smile widens slightly.
"Good." She says as I remember the dreams I had as a teenager. I used to wake up saying "Liara". My space rat friends used to laugh at me telling me stories about how I was calling for a Liara, as if she were a girlfriend of mine.
"Goodnight, doctor." I say and turn around.
"Goodnight, Miss Knight." She says and I start walking away.
As I walk to the door to the crew quarters, I whisper to myself, "So, you were Liara."