Chapter 6
As I sit in front of the window in the starboard observation deck, I think about the progress I've made since joining the crew of the Normandy. I've made some interesting friends—not that I haven't before. This time, I can honestly say that I trust them—something I thought would be impossible at first. Even though we've had our share of misunderstandings, we're all friends. That's more than what I was expecting.
"Are you thinking about something?" Dr. T'Soni asks as she walks into the room from behind me.
"Nothing too dramatic this time, I promise." I say, joking. "I was thinking about the people I've come to know since joining the crew."
"I see." She says and sits next to me.
"I thought you had work to do." I say, referring to when she told me she needed to be alone. "Is there something on your mind?"
"Nothing in particular…" She says as I sense her nervousness. "…I just thought I'd come to sit with you."
"Watching the stars is pretty boring. Are you sure?" I ask and look at her. She smiles.
"Watching the stars seems quite comfortable." She says and I smile.
"It is." I say and look out the window again.
"What do you think about when you look at the stars?" She says, sounding curious.
"I think about how those stars would look on other worlds. Looking up at the stars instead of looking directly at them." I say as I remember when I was a teenager, seeing the stars from planets with no clouds. Then, seeing the stars from planets with clouds. "No matter what bad things happen to me, even if I lose in a fight…somehow, I know I will never lose the stars. They will always be there with me. It gives me a sense of peace."
"I think I understand." She says and I see her smile through the reflection in the glass of the window. "No matter how much you think you've lost, you'll always have the stars."
"Exactly." I say and smile as I focus on the stars.
Minutes pass as we watch the stars together. The stars glisten in the darkness of space they are surrounded by. As I look at the stars, the sight fills me with warmth. It truly is peaceful.
The room was dead silent, until the doctor broke that silence. From the reflection in the window, I notice her looking at me. Has she been staring at me this entire time? "Knight? May I ask you something?" She asks and I look at her.
"What is it?" I ask and see the nervousness in her face. "Is something wrong?" I ask and she shakes her head. "Doctor?"
"Are you…scared of me?" She asks and I shake my head.
"No. I'm not scared of you." I say, bluntly, then she looks into my eyes. "Why? Are you worried—" I say and she interrupts me.
"Would you be scared if I told you I wanted to be more than friends with you?" She asks and I feel my heart beat a bit faster. "You are very special to me, Knight."
With a stutter, I say, "I don't think I understand," and she raises a hand to my face. She slowly strokes the side of my face and, as her face moves in closer to mine, I feel her fingers brush though my hair. Then, slowly, I feel her lips on mine. I'm instantly frozen in shock. After a moment, she backs away slightly. Her forehead gently rests against mine as she stares into my eyes.
In a near whisper, she says, "I meant like that," and I feel as though my heart might jump out of chest from nervousness; while I feel my face becoming warmer.
Again with a stutter, I say, "I…see," and she moves her hand from the side of my face to my shoulder. She slowly pulls her face away from mine. "I'm sorry…I…" I say and she pulls farther away from me. Then, I stand up—silently still in shock. She stands up with me as I walk to the end of the room. Then, she grabs my arm—stopping me from leaving.
"Knight, please…" She says and I turn back around to face her. With her eyes widened, she looks nervous—scared even. "Tell me what you're thinking about." She says as I sense her anxiousness. Her widened deep blue eyes pierce through my chest as I stare into them. My heart skips a beat. Then, I feel myself back up into a wall. I must have been backing away without realizing it.
With nervousness obvious in my voice, I say, "I don't know…what to think…," and she walks close enough to kiss me again. "How long…have you felt this way?" I hear myself ask and she gives me a small, nervous, smile. The drumming of my heartbeat drowns out all feeling in my body.
"I have enjoyed our conversations about your past, and mine." She says as I feel my heart beat faster. Racing. Drumming. "At first, I was intrigued by your knowledge of Shepard, but that has changed." She says as I feel her hands on my arms. Gentle, warm hands glide on my arms. "You became one of my interests, something I found myself thinking about more than I should."
"Oh, really? I'm that interesting?" I hear myself joke. Then, I feel my face become warmer at the thought of how I said that. The unintentional meaning behind those words is embarrassing. Her eyes become calmer—stronger. "I'm sorry…that came out wrong…" I say quickly, now vocally embarrassed. I feel her warm hands glide up to my face.
"No. Don't be sorry. You are very special to me." She says and kisses me again. This time, it was longer—more passionate. Her warm, calm lips caress my own as I welcome their embrace. My heart is still racing, but I slowly become calmer. Then, after a moment, she slowly pulls back from me. "Knight, I'm in love with you." She says and my mind goes blank. She said "love". A word that seems so foreign to me. As the word repeats in my mind, I feel myself raise a hand to one of the doctor's hands that is still rested on my face. "Knight?" She asks as I pull her hand away from my face with a slightly shaken hand.
I can't do this. Shepard loved Liara. I can't claim that for myself. Besides, Liara more than likely still loves Shepard—even after these 300 years of them being apart. She needs someone better than me. Someone who can give her warmth.
That's not me.
"Doctor…I…" I say and she slowly backs away from me with widened, worried, eyes. "I'm sorry…I can't…" I say and sigh. "I can't return your feelings. It wouldn't be right."
"Can't or won't?" She asks and I see that she's frustrated. Her eyes pierce my heart again as they seem stronger. Less timid. "And it does not need to be right. That's not how love is."
"When you look at me, you see Shepard. Not me." I say and she looks surprised. No. That's not what I meant either.
"That's not it!" She says and reaches out to me. "Knight, I—"
I interrupt. "No." I say, sharply, and turn to walk away.
"Wait!" She says with a nervous, shaking voice as I feel a hand on my arm. Then, I stop walking. "Knight, please listen…"
"Not now." I say and she hesitantly lets go of my arm. "I'm sorry, doctor. We can't do this." The words, as I say them, burn like acid in my throat. My heart sinks as I hear the doctor's weary sigh. Slowly, with shaking limbs, I walk away.
The next day, as I approach the air lock for the next mission, I notice Dr. T'Soni waiting with Kiera and Danial. "Knight, are you ready?" Kiera asks and I nod. I'm still nervous after what happened between the doctor and I. "You seem quieter than usual."
"No, I'm fine." I say and notice Dr. T'Soni looking like she's in a daze. She's probably thinking about what happened between us—just like I am. I don't want her to be sad, but this is how it has to be. "Where's Sargent Lay? I need to speak with him." I ask and Danial points to the pilot room. "Thanks." I say and walk to the pilot. Admiral Coen told me that this mission would put me on the front lines against a suspicious mercenary group. He mentioned that Sargent Lay knows about the mercenary group. I'm supposed to gather intel and relay it to the Admiral after the mission is complete.
"Ah, good!" Sargent Lay says as he sees me. "Admiral Coen told me you would come speak to me. Have you been briefed?"
"Yes, sir." I say and stand at attention. "Admiral Coen told me you knew about this mercenary group and what they're after."
"That is correct." He says and he looks angry. "I'm impressed, Knight. You managed to stay on the Normandy this long."
"Sir?" I ask, confused.
"Don't kid yourself. I know that you were acquainted with these mercenaries." He says and takes out a gun, pointing it at me.
"Sargent?" The pilot asks and I raise my hands.
"Tell me everything you know, space rat!" He says loudly, spatting out the words "space rat", and I hear people walking behind me.
"I don't understand, sir." I say and he laughs.
"Sargent Lay, stand down." Danial says as I hear him and Kiera aim their guns at the Sargent.
"Admiral Coen instructed me to come to you for answers, sir." I say and sigh. "Which mercenary group is it?"
"The Blue Suns Resurrection." Sargent Lay says as he continues to point his gun at me. "I heard you were a part of their group. It's just like a space rat to join up with criminals."
"That's out of line!" Kiera says, angrily. Sadly, what the Sargent is saying is true. I was working for them before they handed me over to slavers.
"That was seventeen years ago, Sargent. I'm not associated with them anymore." I say as I look into his eyes.
"So, it was true." Sargent Lay says as smiles slyly. Then, I remember when I was with the Blue Suns Resurrection. It seemed just like odd jobs. It helped me make a living, but it wasn't always a good thing. I've killed people for money. "You were one of their highest paid mercenaries."
"Knight? What is he talking about?" Danial asks and I sigh.
"I was working as a mercenary for five years." I say, honestly, as I feel like I've been put on trial. "The mercenary group just happened to be the Blue Suns Resurrection."
"When we get down there, you're going to take the front." Sargent Lay says and relaxes his hand, lowering his gun.
"But, Knight's a biotic. She's not a foot soldier." Danial says as I hear him and Kiera lower their weapons.
"She's trained in close combat situations. She'll be fine." Sargent Lay says as I put my hands down. "Besides, I'm sure she would want to talk to the man in charge of the group. A man named Roaran."
"Roaran…" I say as I remember him. He's the one who sold me to batarian slavers sixteen years ago. As far as I can remember, Roaran was killed by the Alliance when they rescued me. "I thought he died…"
"No. Apparently not." Sargent Lay says, sharply. "Too bad I won't have the pleasure of killing him myself. You will be doing that." He says and I stand at attention again.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Kiera says as she sounds worried. "Why are you being this way, Sargent?"
"Knight was responsible for killing my half-brother twenty years ago. Roaran was her leader." Sargent Lay says. "But, it looks like Knight wants revenge as well, so…I'll leave this to her."
"Yes, sir." I say as I think about it.
"Now, get to the shuttle." Sargent Lay commands. "I'll keep in touch."
When we reach the shuttle, I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Knight…" Danial says and I notice Dr. T'Soni's worried face. "…is Roaran-?"
"Roaran sold me into slavery over fifteen years ago." I say and turn to face him.
"I thought so…" Danial says and I see Dr. T'Soni walk to us.
"Be careful." She says and I nod.
"Don't worry about me, Dr. T'Soni." I say and turn to walk onto the shuttle.