The next installment is finally here! Had it written for a while but I like to get about half the next chapter written before I post, so I can be more reasonably confident that this is the direction I want to take it in.
Thanks to all the reviewers who shared their thoughts. I'd love to hear a continuation of what you think as Rose figures more stuff out about herself and the world around her.
Home had never felt so unwelcoming before, Rose thought, her hands wrapped around a mug of tea and her arms wrapped around her legs on the couch. She stared into the brewed liquid, still swirling ever-so-slightly counterclockwise - the way Scorpius always dissolved sugar into her tea after finding out that she preferred it dissolved clockwise. "For Merlin's sake, Rosie," he had laughed at her, "it's tea, not a potion. It tastes the same." She wondered if he still remembered that moment, as it had been a long time since she'd seen Scorpius stir tea anything but counterclockwise at all. It seemed that just as particular as Rose had once been about mixing in milk and tea clockwise, Scorpius had absentmindedly picked up the preference of stirring it in the opposite direction.
"I'm sorry, Scorp," she said at last, pulling her eyes up to meet his, when there were no more awkward pleasantries of may I make you some tea and you can leave your coat anywhere that were left to make. "I've, err, been a bit of a wanker to you."
"You have," Scorpius agreed from the opposite side of the couch, lounging much more elegantly with his cup of tea. "But I guess it was about time for you to cash in on all the times you passed on being a wanker in the past decade."
Rose snorted.
"No, I'm serious! Like that time when Al was pissy at you - and everyone, really - for a week when he didn't make the Quidditch team his first tryout, and you had to talk him down," Scorpius said.
Rose remembered when Al made Seeker second year and how loudly Scorpius kept saying that Seeker was the position for people who couldn't handle doing anything else while flying, only to find out that Scorpius lost the Seeker position on the Slytherin team to Patricia Parkinson.
"Or when Al forgot to bring his things to class and had to borrow parchment from your bag and instead spilled ink all over your Herbology essay," Scorpius continued.
Rose remembered seeing Scorpius staring stupidly into his empty bag as Professor Lyson was scolding, "Mr. Malfoy, did you come to class unprepared? Is my class not important enough to take notes for?" She had used her feet to nudge her own bag closer to Scorpius, and in his haste to avoid Professor Lyson's wrath, he had broken her ink bottle.
A small smile cracked reluctantly from Rose's lips. "I guess Al really did have it coming for him, didn't he?"
"It's a miracle we still put up with him, really," Scorpius said easily.
Rose shook her head. Even when he was a victim of her ire, Scorpius was the best at making her feel better. "I'm still sorry, though. I handled things poorly," she insisted.
Scorpius merely nodded, his lips pursed together slightly. He straightened his posture and leaned forward, and Rose squirmed a bit under his studied gaze. Moments of quiet focus like these reminded Rose of how striking Scorpius could be. It wasn't just his appearance, which were a little more than just pleasant; but rather, it was that look of undivided attention, as if there was only one thing worthwhile in the world right now and he was going to conquer it.
"Rose," he said finally, "what's wrong?"
Rose dropped her gaze. With his easy-going nature, Rose rarely caught Scorpius wearing these looks of concentration, and even less so was it directed at her. Yet every time, it felt as though she were on stage at the Royal Opera House facing rows of empty seats but for Scorpius seated at front center, and her heart would drum a little too loudly and blood would rush a little too quickly - almost reminiscent of her nerves before public speaking, but crashing down on her suddenly rather than wafting up in slow waves of dread. "Have you..." She hesitated, rolling the words over slowly in her mind. "Have you ever felt unwanted?"
Scorpius's eyes narrowed, a slight frown tugging at his lips.
"I mean," Rose continued slowly, "perhaps it's more like not being wanted, rather than being unwanted. Just... unnecessary."
"Rose - "
Her stomach clenched suddenly, and she heard her heartbeat in her ears. "And I know it's such a silly thing to ask you – I mean, you've told me about the prejudices you've faced as a Malfoy," Rose said, her pace quickening. She suddenly realized that she was scared of what Scorpius might say – that maybe he'd laugh because of course he has never felt unnecessary. He was charismatic and clever and could light up any conversation. She felt like she didn't want to hear response yet needed to know it, all at the same time. "And what is general ambivalence and compared to outright antipathy? I guess that - "
"Rose," he said louder, firmer. He reached over and put a hand on her knee, and Rose was startled into quiet, staring at it. She could feel the warmth of his hand through her trousers. "Where is this coming from?"
You, her mind said. You, and Al, and the friendship you have that I don't. But her lips were dry.
She tore her eyes from Scorpius's hand and stared at the mug in her hands. "I think I need wine instead," she said quietly.
Scorpius ignored her. "Rose," he continued, and why was he using her name so much? It made the bloody spotlight feel as though it were burning hotter, and the imagery of the rows of empty seats at the opera house flickered in and out of focus as the light blinded her. "You are an amazing witch. You're brilliant, you're patient, you're kind, and you've got a great sense of humor that's somehow both silly and dark. And any bloke who can't see that," Scoprius said, swallowing, "is a twat."
"Ballsack," Rose corrected automatically, tiredly.
"Right," Scorpius said. One drunken night, Rose had complained about the vulgarity of the boys' language and the negative connotations associated with female reproductive organs. Determined to take back the words, she had declared that moving forward, the word twat should be a compliment and the word ballsack would take its place to rebalance the world. Unfortunately, it did not catch on as well as Rose had hoped it would. "A ballsack."
Rose smiled wryly. It flattered her to hear Scorpius speak highly of her, but guilt churned at the pit of her stomach that she had treated a friend who thought well of her so poorly. And here he was, defending her anyways, against a hypothetical man who might've hurt her heart.
"Rose," Scorpius said, and his voice sounded tight, as if he were forcing the words out his throat. She looked at him, and his face was pinched. "Did…"
"Did…" Rose echoed, prompting him when he trailed off.
He took a breath. "Did I do something?" He fidgeted, rubbing the side of his chin. "To piss you off. It's just that - well, nevermind."
Rose's heart skipped a beat. She'd been slowly working her way up to telling him the truth, but she hadn't expected Scorpius to be the one to bring it up! Her hours in front of the mirror, rehearsing what she'd say, and how she was going to say it - none of those hours accounted for him to bring it up. And it frustrated her, because this was just like something Rose would do. She'd have a thought but would be otherwise unable to articulate it until one of her more strong-headed friends raised the point first.
Even when it came down to her own emotions and taking the time to grow herself, when the subject matter was all about her - she still wasn't the one to breach the subject. What did that say about her attempts at newfound social independence these past few weeks? She had thought that she was doing well - but maybe she wasn't doing well enough. Or maybe it was just that with Scorpius…
"Merlin," Scorpius breathed at her silence. "I did do something."
A mad cackle rose out of Rose's lungs, one that felt and sounded uncontrollable. "Wine," she said dumbly, standing up all at once and making her way back to the kitchen. Focus, Rose, she thought. Focus on something you know. She zoned in on her unsteady hands, watching them as they put her tea down; and the ceramic mug clinked too loudly on her countertop and droplets spilled over the edges, the brew swishing back and forth, side to side, the counterclockwise path that Scorpius' hand had woven now forgotten. She summoned a pair of half-open wine bottles and, with a flick of her wrist, the corks flew out of the bottles and hit the wall behind her instead of landing neatly in a pile.
"Rose - "
"Just - give me a sec," Rose interrupted, inhaling deeply to calm herself. She took a swig directly out of the bottle - okay, maybe a few swigs in a single breath - and walked over back onto the couch, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. She offered him the other bottle. "Wine?"
With more grace than she, Scorpius levitated his mug of tea over to her kitchen counter where it sat quietly next to hers without so much of a sound. Slowly - too slowly - he leaned over and took the bottle from her.
Count from ten. You can do this, Rose told herself, closing her eyes for a moment. She tried to pretend that she was in front of her bedroom mirror, practicing her lines, but the silence was too loud and her chest was too warm with alcohol. "Scorpius, you and Al are my best friends," she said finally. "But sometimes, I feel like more of an observer in life, rather than a participant. I mean, I…"
She drifted off, thinking about how she felt whenever she found out about an escapade Scorpius and Al went through after the fact, a wallflower watching a story unfold of brother-in-arms. It was similar to how she felt watching Matt -
Rose's mouth snap shut for a moment, a novel thought flitting its way through her mind. "Scorp, do you - do you have a thing for Al?
Scorpius blinked, taken aback. "What? A thing?" His eyes widened and he hastily started sputtering, "Oh - oh. Merlin, no. Rose, I don't - what made you think that?"
Heat flooded Rose's cheeks, and this time she couldn't blame the wine. "Sorry - that was silly of me, I was just - I just thought - I mean, you two are so close and all - "
" - well, you and Al also - "
" - but we're cousins, so - "
" - and you and I - "
" - and I'm really sorry, it's so stupid, I shouldn't have - "
" - not that I wouldn't, I mean - "
" - Let's talk about something else," Rose said, raising her own bottle to her lips. "But first, I need to drink."
Merlin, she was such an idiot for thinking that. Of course she knew that Scorpius wasn't interested in Al in any way like that. They had always just been brothers, complete with the shoving and fighting. Rose cursed her inane ability to blurt out stupid sentences like this while being unable to finally give voice to her true frustrations.
"This will be funny in a year," Rose declared in the awkward silence.
"Not if we both drink enough to forget it ever happened," Scorpius retorted darkly, and Rose laughed. "What - "
"I know, I know, I'm sorry," she said, dodging eye contact. Now or never. She took a deep breath. "But you and Al have always had such a great relationship and I…" She laughed, because it sounded so stupid. "And sometimes I'd feel left out, you know? You were always each other's dates to events if you didn't have a real date to take, or when you'd have your dumb boy's night out but it was really just without me, as if I wouldn't enjoy going snowboarding or watching Quidditch or helping you lot pick up witches at a bar, and I'd just have my girl's night out by myself, reading a book and practicing cleaning charms in my apartment."
Scorpius watched, stunned - and to Rose, it seemed that once she begun talking, she couldn't bring herself to stop, even as she realized to her horror that her eyes had become hot with tears.
"You and Al have always been so bold, the type of people who gets a party off its feet - and then I start thinking, what do I contribute? And if you two are each other's best mates, then I could only ever be the third wheel - and I don't want that. And I figure it won't hurt so much if I had other friends, so I've been trying - but I still want to be your best mate, and I want to be Al's best mate, because I love you both still but sometimes it just hurts."
Rose broke off, too overwhelmed to process exactly how she felt. Scorpius conjured a handkerchief and brushed away the tears that she didn't realize had fallen.
"Rose," Scorpius said softly. "You know, sometimes I feel left out, too."
The air on her cheeks where Scorpius had traced his fingers behind the napkin burned with a different sort of vigor. Her breath hitched in a hiccup as she looked up to him in surprise.
He grimaced, pulling back. "How do I put this? You and Al - you're family. In school you went off on holiday together, and still you've got your family dinners every week where some new story is invariably born that I only hear secondhand. And even in the past month - I mean, it's not important - "
"Tell me," Rose whispered.
Scorpius looked at her. His eyes were glossier than usual, and his voice sounded a forced hard. "These past few months, you spoke to Al again and invited him out, but it took you until now to want to be around me. Makes a bloke wonder."
Rose's stomach plummeted. She hadn't thought about it from that perspective. There wasn't any particular reason, so many Wednesdays ago, that she chose to invite Al instead of Scorpius to Audrey's improv show outside of the fact that Al was just there at the time. And Al was only there because of the Weasley dinner. Was Scorpius saying that he, too, felt some resentment in their friendship triage?
And Merlin, why couldn't she stop crying? She was never much of a crier, and the fact that her body chose now to betray her was seriously undermining her attempts at being stronger.
"I didn't know," Rose said. She looked down at her hands before quickly brushing away fresh tears with her sleeve. "I guess - I guess I was thoughtless." And where did that leave her? She had never thought herself as particularly selfish, and in her group of friends, she always thought herself to be the supportive friend.
"Me, too," Scorpius admitted.
They watched each other in the silence that followed, but this silence wasn't pounding like the previous ones. Instead, it was almost spiritual. Rose felt naked, but more of the liberating variety than in shame, as if she were being baptized into wisdom and enlightenment. And slowly, the corners of Scorpius's mouth twitched upwards, and Rose felt the same reflected in her.
Laughter bubbled out - a genuine one, this time, not anything like that maniacal mess she spouted earlier - and Scorpius laughed, too, even though there was nothing funny. Perhaps it came with this feeling of relief in knowing that even if she didn't understand everything, she wasn't alone in her confusion. She was reveling in the lightness of newfound camaraderie.
"Things aren't going to go back the way they were, will they?" Rose said finally, once the laughter died down and the quiet settled again.
"I don't know," Scorpius said. "I think we still should - well, you and I hanging out without Al, and you two without me, and me and Al without you. Even if we're all best mates together, each of us have something special with each other, you know?"
Rose thought she understood. Her friendship with her cousin was different than her friendship with Scorpius in subtle nuances. Al was such a busybody that time with him usually centered around other people - Did you hear what Vicky did last week? I want to set up Chelsea with Dave, how should we go about it? Hugo's birthday is coming up, what are you thinking for his annual b-day prank? - whereas her relationship with Scorpius tended to ignore the outside world for the most part. They'd laugh at Muggle films, debate over books, or do something completely novel, like the time they had tried to bake cookies from scratch and ended up with forgotten, blackened crisps that they had disposed of by hiding them in Al's shoes. And each of these relationships were different from the way things were when all three of them met together.
Maybe even if her schedule fell back into place, things would be different just because her perspective was. That from her two best mates, she had three friendships - one with Al, one with Scorpius, and one with them both. And she could learn to respect the friendship that Al and Scorpius had without her without feeling left out, just as Scorpius could learn to respect the friendship she had with Al.
"Yeah, I get it," Rose said, and was surprised to find that she really did. "But you know - I've been meeting new people, too, and I like it. I don't want to lose that."
Scorpius looked surprised. "Then don't."
He said it so easily, Rose almost laughed.
"Just - next time - tell me, okay? When you're feeling upset. Don't disappear for two and a half months," Scorpius said.
"I know, I'm sorry. I will," Rose said earnestly. Some time during their conversation, they'd shifted closer together on the couch, and Rose let her head fall onto his shoulder. She spent so much of the past few weeks living in her head, and it felt nice to just… let go, for a little while. "Lily's berated me enough about it already."
"Lily's a practical witch."
"It's part of her charm."
"If by charm, you mean a terrifying force of nature," Scorpius retorted. Rose giggled. She swirled the wine in her bottle and took a sip, allowing herself to relax. "You know," Scorpius started again, "my department is having a picnic event in a few weeks. Do you want to come?"
Rose looked up at him, startled. "You're not dating - what's her name - Renee?"
It was Scorpius' turn to look startled. "Renee? No, I haven't spoken to her in a while."
"Oh." Rose waited for him to explain, but he didn't. She didn't mind, because Renee didn't seem to matter that much anymore to Rose either. She was on speaking terms with her best mate again, and he'd just invited her as a plus one. With a coy smile, she asked instead, "And then after, we can go on a night out and you can help me pick up a bloke?"
Scorpius' eyebrows arched in surprised but a grin quickly slid onto his lips. "Sure, if that's what you want."
Rose beamed. "I'd love to go." She hesitated then before looking back up at him. "Would you like to come to my grandma's dinner on Wednesday?"
"Is that allowed? I thought she only keeps it in the family," Scorpius said. He spoke so nonchalantly that if not for their earlier conversation, Rose never would've thought he had harbored any doubts on the topic. (And again, Rose was reminded why she never played poker with Scorpius anymore.)
"Well, she does. Says there's no other time to get everyone together undistracted. But once in a while won't hurt." Rose grinned mischievously. "I could always say we're dating and then I'd have to bring you around to dinner. Not to mention the quality entertainment I'd get from watching you get destroyed by the Weasley Brigade's boyfriend vetting process. Especially when you get your arse handed to you by my dad."
Scorpius sputtered, and Rose cackled.
Maybe things weren't perfect, but Rose thought that things were good.