*V*V*V*V*V*
"And then he did this thing with his tongue," Alice sighs dreamily over the phone the next afternoon. She's been reliving every highlight of her first time with Jasper with disconcerting accuracy for the past half hour, squealing occasionally. I squeal, too. It does sound pretty incredible. Mostly, I'm relieved to not feel so anxious about her decisions – because I have more than enough anxiety with my own issues.
"Alice," I interrupt. I can't keep it in any longer. "I need to tell you something."
Even though we're only speaking over the phone, she says, "He was there, wasn't he?"
Fuck, it's scary how she does that sometimes. "I saw him parked outside after you guys left."
"Oh my god, what did you do?!"
"I . . . uh, I kind of got into his car and gave him a blowjob and –."
"What the fuck, Bella? Why are you just telling me this now?!" Her voice soars over at least two octaves, making me cringe.
"I didn't want to ruin your night and, honestly, it didn't end well and I didn't want to think too much about it."
"Holy shit, this is crazy!" she exclaims. "What happened?"
"He got worried that it would get out and I told him I wouldn't say anything – except to you, obviously. He said something about taking me on a date if I was older, but I told him I didn't really expect much from him and that it was his choice to make if he wanted to continue our . . . relationship, I guess. Then I left."
"I can't believe how calm you sound."
I shrug even though she can't see me. "I don't know if I've really processed it all yet. I mean, the first time with him, I didn't know who he was or anything. It was stupid anyway because of course he thought I was older, but I didn't know the teacher part. This time . . . I mean, fuck, we both know better. There's just no way this is going to end well."
"Bella, you're not a slut. That's a stupid label anyway because people just don't like the thought of women making sexual choices. Besides, I was the one that asked you to have sex with Jasper. And with Mr. Masen – sorry, with Edward – you guys just have crazy chemistry. And he's the one that's supposed to be the responsible adult, right? But he's the one that showed up at Volterra. There's no way he wasn't trying to get with you."
"That doesn't mean I had to let him finger me in a parking lot," I groan.
"You know what? He is a grown man. He can decide if he wants to be with you – if that's what you want, I mean. And you're past the legal age of consent anyway. You are an adult – or close enough to one – and you can make your own decisions, too." She sounds so definitive, so confident in simplifying everything. Even if she's overlooking the issue of him being my teacher, let alone god knows how many years older, I do feel better.
"I really don't know what he's going to decide, though. He looked so conflicted." The image of his haunted face as I closed the car door comes to mind.
"Well, I guess you'll find out tomorrow, right?"
"I guess."
*V*V*V*V*V*
I'm thirty minutes early to school when I make my way to the deserted English hallway. I couldn't stand to pace around my kitchen any longer, replaying yesterday's events over and over again in my head. I barely slept, torn between lust and anxiety. It doesn't seem to be an uncommon combination for me these days.
Edward's office door is ajar when I round the corner, fluorescent light pouring out. My knees feel weak, but I take a deep, steadying breath and knock.
"Shut the door after you," he says in a gravelly voice. He knows it's me.
I step inside, shaking from the anticipation as I close us in. But for all my apprehension and sleeplessness, Edward looks far worse with dark circles under his eyes and hair that's messier than usual. I only had one sleepless night – he looks like he hasn't slept since I last saw him. My guilt response is immediate. I caused this, I think, though it's not entirely true. Alice had a point – he drove there to meet me.
Without thought, I hand him my thermos of coffee. "Here, I haven't had any of it yet." Not that sharing germs would be a big deal after Saturday night.
He's so tired that he doesn't fight me, sipping from it without vacillation. "You take it black, huh?"
I shrug. We ran out of creamer.
He snorts and drinks again.
I don't know what else to do with my nervous energy, so I set down my backpack and sit adjacent in the spare chair, perched on the edge of the seat, waiting for him to speak. However, he is not forthcoming. He alternatively makes piercing, pained eye contact with me or looks away, drinking from my thermos.
Finally, I can't stand it. "I need you to tell me what I'm pretty sure I already know."
He sighs. "I'm trying, but it's much harder to say everything I planned now that you're in front of me."
"You don't have to worry about my feelings, ok? I'm a big girl."
He mutters something under his breath that I can't hear before tugging at his hair. "This can't go on," he says without inflection. "Someone will find out sooner or later. And even if we managed to keep it a secret, I'm eight years older than you are." Ah, so he's twenty-five, older than I thought. "We're in such different points of our lives right now and –."
"You don't want to hold me back," I finish for him tonelessly. His reasoning does not surprise me, but it's amazing how much it hurts. "I understand. Really, I do."
He sighs. "I know you do. That makes this all more difficult."
"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry again – for putting you in this position and –."
"Stop," he commands curtly. "Stop apologizing. I put myself in this position and I'm the one that's supposed to not prey on –."
"You didn't prey on me," I interrupt hotly, surprising him - and myself - with my vehemence. "I made my own choices and I was – and am – perfectly capable of making them, ok? I don't regret anything aside from all the stress this has caused."
"I wish I regretted it more," he mutters, shaking his head.
My heart swells, but I swallow it down. "So, are we going to pretend it never happened? I mean, is that what you want?"
"I think that would be for the best, yes." He says it, but he sounds hollow, like a robot is speaking through him.
"Ok," I agree, feeling equally as devoid. "But I'm sorry in advance if I say something stupid."
A ghost of a smile visits his lips. "Ditto."
Even though there is still plenty of time before class starts, I make my excuses about homework and leave his office. On an impulse, I head towards the guidance center.
*V*V*V*V*V*
"I dropped his class," I say to Alice by way of greeting when I see her at lunch.
"It went that badly?"
"No, but I decided that would be easier. Just seeing how miserable he was . . . I don't know, I don't want to be around him longer than I have to – for both our sakes. He gave me a little speech about our age difference and how we can't go on like this. It sucked. Besides, it eases my conscience a bit to know he's not assigning me grades anymore."
"Does he know you dropped?"
"I'm sure he figured it out this morning, but I haven't told him directly, no."
"Don't you see him next period?"
"Yeah, that's when we meet for my student assistantship."
"Good luck."
"I'll need it," I sigh. "But enough about my drama. Have you heard from Jasper?"
Her whole face changes and she lights up with a shy smile. "We talked last night for three hours."
"Wow. How are you feeling about . . . you know, everything?" I ask pointedly.
"It was incredible," she says sincerely. "He loved it and I loved it. And I'm so happy you guys get along because you're my best friend and I'm definitely going to marry him someday."
"You love him, huh?" I'm teasing her more than anything because I'm not shocked by the admission. It sounds like Alice. It's like how we became friends. She had a "feeling" about me, decided we would be best friends, and then stuck with me without question, completely dedicated.
"I do. So much," she swoons.
Happy as I am for the look of ecstasy on her face, a troubling thought occurs to me. "You need to tell him how old we are before I start my internship. He's going to know I'm in high school once I start working there."
"Ok," she says so calmly that I wonder if she understands the gravity of the situation. "I know he will be upset at first, but everything will be ok."
Though I envy her tranquil certainty, I don't voice my concerns because at least one of us is feeling positive. "Well, let me know how it goes."
"As long as you let me know how your tutoring period goes."
*V*V*V*V*V*
"Hey." I shouldn't be this nervous. Everything is already said and done.
"You dropped my class," he accuses sharply, a vein throbbing in his forehead. Fucking Marko.
"I just thought it would be better," I say softly. I feel ashamed now that I'm looking at him, like I've let him down. "You were so stressed out and I just thought that having to grade my stuff like I'm any other person would be –."
"You know what? Forget it."
The words are a slap in the face and a cutting reminder that it never happened. I bend my head low over my homework so he can't see my face.
The rest of our time together passes in stiff silence and I can't get to my feet fast enough when I hear the bell ring.
"Wait," he calls. I don't know what I expect when I turn around, but it's not him holding out the thermos I lent him, watching me warily. "Don't forget this."
"Oh, thanks."
"I'm sorry I drank all of it."
"It's ok. You needed it." I reach for it, but our fingers touch. It shouldn't be that impactful to graze someone's fingers, but I am mesmerized.
Edward does not pull away immediately, but lets our fingertips hold contact for a moment. "I'm sorry," he says again. He lets his hand fall and I know he is not apologizing for the coffee.
*V*V*V*V*V*
There are two coffee cups on his desk when I return the next day.
He pushes one towards me. "I had to repay you for drinking all of yours yesterday." He sounds uncertain, but I can read him well enough now.
He's apologizing for all the craziness and this is the olive branch. We don't have to be miserable stuck in this office together. We can be friendly.
"Thanks," I say, drinking from it to show my acceptance. "Although," I add, a smile curling at my lips, "you should bring cream and sugar next time because I don't always take it black."
He rolls his eyes at me and smiles at my joke.
All will be well.
*V*V*V*V*V*