DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.

[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song felt like it was speaking directly to you.
My answer: Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit.
When I was a teenager, this song was released when I most needed it. It was my anthem to become a better person.

Chapter Playlist:
Blue October – Sound of Pulling Heaven Down
Hoobastank – The Reason
Buckcherry – Sorry

http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred

Chapter 2
EPOV
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

We had been there a month, and the pain was still excruciating. I knew that I was just making it harder on everyone else who had to be around me. I often contemplated leaving, but with Alice seeing my decisions to leave, and Esme hardly ever leaving me alone, it would have been difficult to even attempt escaping the house.

I'd stopped hunting, and most of my strength had faded. I knew the pain inside of me had no end, and a small part of me didn't want it to go away. I feared that if it faded, then that would mean that she was no longer walking the Earth. Strangely, I found the knowledge of her still existing brought me enough comfort to continue existing as well, but the thought of her gone forever would be too much for me to bear.

Someday in the next eighty years or so, I too would leave this earth and we would never be together again.

./.

'It's been thirty-four days,' Esme thought. She was seated at the drafting table in the study as she worked on new plans for renovating the house. We had moved back to Alaska near the Denali Clan, though we weren't in Denali proper.

My family constantly hounded me to go hunting. I could hear the concern in their thoughts, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything to make the pain go away. I deserved this; I was nothing more than a horrible creature, and I knew that I was breaking my mother's heart.

I curled up tighter on my black leather sofa as I reflected on my past. I had been lying there for over a week. I must have replayed my thoughts of her in the forest a million times. How could she accept my lies so easily? Thoughts ran rampant through my mind as I replayed the choices I'd made over and over. So many visions overlapped one another as all sorts of decisions became a collage in my mind.

The choices I had made decades ago, and how I had blamed my father for making me this way. We didn't talk for years, and when I finally had come to my senses, I realized that I had wasted all of those years in angst and unnecessary pain. I hurt my family because I thought that I had known what was best.

Looking back on the past few weeks, I knew that I was feeling those emotions from long ago all over again, but much stronger. I'd never known a pain this excruciating before. It was like my chest was constantly on fire and nothing would make it stop but her. I knew this was necessary, though. This was the only way for her to live a normal life and be protected; I was certain of that.

I thought that maybe if I had never become this person, her life could have been wonderful. Because of what I am, she was now cursed as well.

These past few days, I had been having words come to me: lyrics, poems, expressions. They were begging me to say them out loud, but I was not going to grant myself the feeling of expelling them; it would only dilute the fire. I would put them away in my mind for a day in the future.

'That's it, Edward. I'm not taking 'No' for an answer,' Alice thought in the living room.

I sighed and curled my arms more tightly around my legs as I willed my body to disappear.

'I can't stand seeing you or Jasper this way anymore. You have to hunt, Edward. Please,' she pleaded.

I heard Jasper get up and leave the house. He had been staying away from me more often; I knew this must be killing him inside. My door creaked open and I opened my eyes, peering through my lashes at the evil intruder.

"Just leave me, please, Alice. I… can't–"

"Yes, you can. I've seen that you can; you just have to decide to. Please, Edward. I'll get Emmett and Rosalie to come back early and drag you if I have to," she threatened.

"Alice," I whispered. "Please," my voice cracked.

I felt the cushions shift under me as she sat at my feet. Her hands wrapped around my ankle, and her mind filled with images of the two of us laughing and exchanging silent jokes. She overpowered my thoughts with memories as I cringed slightly. Her mind seemed to shift open slightly, and an image of Bella laughing at Emmett at school filled her mind and lingered before fading.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean..." she stuttered, changing her thoughts quickly.

I sighed and shook my head. My body trembled as I gripped my sides tighter.

./.

A few hours later — and an almost empty house — I decided to get up. I stretched my limbs beneath me and shifted my weight to sit up. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I promised that I would hunt, and Alice promised not to look for me until I got back home. I want her to trust me and to know that I won't take off, but I also want to hunt alone. As I got up and walked to the front door, I heard Esme in the study.

"Going for a hunt, Edward?" she asked. 'Please, Son,' she pleaded in her thoughts.

"I won't be gone long," I said loud enough for her to hear me, as I closed the door behind me.

I managed to find two deer not far from town. I knew they wouldn't be enough to sate my thirst entirely, but at least I had hunted. I came across a stream, and cleaned my hands in the water. I ran the water over my face, the temperature almost the same as my skin.

As the water dripped from my neck, I took a deep breath. Inhaling in the cold night, I let a calmness ease over me. I turned and ran home, entering into the living room. I approached the new piano Esme had purchased for me, and stared down at the keys. After contemplating for what could have easily been hours, I pulled the bench out and took a seat.

I sat there for almost another hour before my fingers began to ghost over the keys to Bella's Lullaby, but I never let them ring out. Halfway through the melody, I paused as my hands shook above the ivory. I hesitated before my fingers finally pressed down and I heard Esme take in a short breath. I saw myself through her mind as she peered from the top of the stairs down at my figure.

'Oh, Edward, I haven't heard you play in a while. Please,' her mind silently asked.

My eyes closed tightly as I exhaled. I paused before I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent of Esme: clean linen and morning dew, mixed with the soft watery scent of the lilies Alice had placed around the house. The sadness in her mind was evident on her face, and the sorrow in her eyes pleaded with me. My fingers sought out the familiar sound of her song. I pressed my fingers down, making contact with the ivory keys as the tone filled the room and I played the intro twice before I pushed into the first verse.

'I haven't heard the words in decades. How I love his compositions.' Esme's mind continued to wander with pride in her thoughts as she focused on Carlisle and the rest of her family.

As I neared the chorus, I brought the words back into my memory and closed my eyes.

"I'm reaching farther than I ever have before, leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore," my voice rang out, matching the tempo of the keys as I recalled the words Carlisle wrote.

Esme gasped and I opened my eyes to take in her reaction as a soft smile spread across her lips. I looked up into my mother's amber orbs, a silent pleading in my own gaze. I willed her to understand, and to feel my regret for the pain I was causing her family; my family.

"You make the sound of pulling Heaven down. You brought the rain's romantic pour," I sang.

Images began to flood my mother's mind. Most were of Carlisle and herself in those first few years after she had been changed. A few of the memories shifted to the entire family. I closed the song softly, but I let the last note linger. Her hand comforted my shoulder as she kissed the top of my head.

'Thank you, Son,' her thoughts echoed inside of my own. I simply nodded my head and looked back down at the keys.

"Please don't stop, Edward. I've missed your composing," she said. Her smile grew as she nodded at me, and then looked at the piano before she turned to take a seat at the bay window.

"I'm afraid I have nothing uplifting inside my head. My notes will only bring you sorrow," I replied quietly.

'Anything you compose is beautiful, Edward.' She smiled.

Once again, my chest heaved and then fell, but before I could change my mind, my fingers pressed down on the keys. A soft, slow melody rang out of the piano. The song was intended to feel haunting with an edge of desire or hope underlying the melancholy nature of the notes. With a sudden recollection of the words that had been lingering in my mind the past few weeks, my lips whispered out the first line I remembered repeating to myself the day after I had left her.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning; I never meant to do those things to you," I sobbed as I sang. Moving my hands across the ivory, I chanced another look at Esme; her body was balanced perfectly on the cushion in front of the window as she peered out with a longing expression.

"And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you." My voice trembled as I reached the last line and I let the tempo pick up as I sang louder, moving into the next verse. Glancing at Esme once more, I saw she still hadn't moved from her spot.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you; it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away," I shuddered as I sang. The venom began to fill the brims of my eyes, but it could never spill over; not being able to cry was all part of being damned and soulless. I could feel the pressure inside my chest as it built up stronger than I'd ever felt. I closed my eyes, drawing in a shaky breath and finished the verse.

I stole another look at Esme, and I could see that she was fighting for the same release that would never come. I felt for her mind, but it was entirely void of any thoughts. Somewhere inside of me, I felt a heavy weight crack. If my dead heart had still been capable of any feeling, I would have sworn that it had split in two. However, the idea of me still even having one was asinine; I had left anything resembling a heart with her.

I've done this to them all. I'm putting them all through this pain, not just myself. I turned away from my mother and poured all of my emotion into the song as it flowed out of me. I pushed all of the agony out through my words and the rhythm, and closed out the song with a slow and long note.

I opened my eyes after a few moments to see Esme standing beside me once again. Jasper and Alice were standing in the doorway, their minds somehow entirely blank as well. I stood up from the bench and opened my mouth to apologize for the overwhelming emotions lately. Before I could even finish my first word, Alice cut me off and bounced over to me, pulling me into an embrace.

'Oh, Edward, I'm so glad you've finally come around.' Alice smiled, and took a step back towards Jasper.

'I'm glad I'm finally getting something from you other than sorrow. Regret and longing is an improvement,' Jasper thought as he tilted his head and the corner of his mouth slid up.

My hand reached into my hair as I dropped my head to stare at the ground.

"I'm sorry," I said, the apology finally coming out. I stiffened and looked up as I waited for their reactions.

Esme's hand trembled at her mouth and she pulled me into a hug. 'Oh, Edward,' she thought. I gripped her back gently and her face turned upward to look into my eyes. 'Well, at least they aren't black anymore.' She patted me tenderly and released me.

Jasper stepped forward, and gripped my shoulder briefly with his left hand. I noticed that in his right, he held a guitar. He held it out for easier inspection and nodded. 'Go ahead.' I extended my hand, and grasped the wooden artifact.

"It's Kate's. Alice and I decided to pay the sisters a visit this afternoon to give us all some space. She's letting me borrow it until mine gets here. Alice ordered it the other afternoon, seeing I would be interested in taking music up again." He motioned to the guitar as he spoke.

'I thought maybe you would be interested in playing some tunes.' His eyes shifted to the ground. 'If you think you feel up to it, anyway. We could just jam some covers, you know, on the piano and guitar — or I could teach you how to play,' he thought quickly.

A soft smile crossed Alice's face as she continued to shift her gaze between the two of us; she was obviously waiting for something.

I transferred my weight to the other foot – a human twitch – and as I did, Alice's mind was filled with a vision of the three of us spending an afternoon playing music in a new room, with snow coming down outside a small rectangular window.

Not even a second after the vision faded Alice beamed at the two of us. I hung my head and turned to walk away.

'Was it something I said?' Jasper thought absently.

"No. I'm sure she will explain," I mumbled.

I took the stairs two at a time, and walked to my bedroom quickly. I headed straight for my computer, unplugged the mp3 player and placed the buds in my ears. I shuffled through the different songs until I found the one I was looking for. The guitar chords were the first notes to hum their way into my consciousness, quickly followed by the slow drum rhythm and Josh Todd's vocals. The words retold an apology and reunion, something I could only fantasize about. "Sorry" by Buckcherry began to pick up in tempo as the chorus hit.

I lost myself in the music as I tried to push out the voices and thoughts from the occupants of the house. I must have been in a deep trance, because I didn't notice Jasper until his hand touched my shoulder, causing me to jump.

'Well, that's a first,' Jasper thought. 'It's hard to catch a telepath off guard.' A smirk slid across his lips, but it quickly faded. 'I'm sorry, Edward. I just thought maybe you would talk to me briefly? I can come back later, if you prefer,' he added, hesitating.

"No, its fine, Jasper. I'm sorry. What can I do for you?" My voice strained as I tried to compose myself.

"I understand better than most how this is affecting you, and I know we are all worried about you. So I thought that maybe you needed a distraction, something to—"

Jasper tried to continue, but the low growl that came from my chest startled him.

"…I won't forget, but my kind… we're very easily… distracted." My own words played back in my perfect memory. I shook violently as my mind recalled the worst moment of my life.

'Anger, resentment, regret; interesting. What did I say, Edward?' His eyebrows creased as he tilted his head curiously.

I shifted my stance as my growl faded out. "I'm sorry, Brother, it's just…" I mumbled as I looked down. I ran my hand through my hair violently. "I don't ever want a distraction from… things." My hand released my hair and I dug my hands into my pockets. I could hear the song ending in the ear buds hanging from the table beside me. I reached down and hit 'sleep' on the music device before looking back up at Jasper.

He studied my expression, trying to understand the motives behind my feelings. I reached my hand out and placed it on my brother's shoulder. My dark topaz eyes briefly locked with his bright gold ones, and he smiled warmly.

"Well, how about tomorrow?" I asked. After saying it, however, I immediately regretted it.

"Perhaps we can just play our preferred instruments until my new one arrives. Then we will have two acoustics and I can teach you, when you're ready," he suggested. His mind was entirely silent as he waited for my response.

"That sounds fine," I sighed.

'Thank you, Brother,' he added, turning to leave me in silence once again. As he closed the door, I felt his calmness and joy radiate through the room. I tried to allow it to envelop me, but it just didn't feel right; it felt foreign. While I was fully aware that I shouldn't be sitting there, waiting to waste away — I should be hunting and interacting — everything just felt so numb.

Sitting in silence, my mind began to wander over my new words. I found myself once more humming out a familiar lullaby, as lyrics slowly came to mind. The chorus came to me easily, but I struggled with anything that fit the bridge and verse. I headed for my sofa and curled up tightly. Looping the song in my mind, I played the entire thing over and over. Each time the chorus repeated, the words haunted my mind.

./.

I heard Carlisle come home sometime before light broke once more; signaling that another day had passed. Esme quietly told him of my day's events, first hunting, then playing piano and then agreeing to play music with Jasper. I could hear the hope and pride in his thoughts. He was overcome with joy that I was showing signs of life again. How ironic, I thought to myself. I'll never truly be alive again. However, if I could bring my family peace of mind, then it would be worth the façade.

Song question of the chapter: What one song reminds you of something you regret, or wish had happened/ended differently?