DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.

[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song reminds you of a first/long lost love.
MY answer: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love.
As cliché as it is, my first 'boyfriend' and I both loved The Cure, so we made it 'our song'. I was 12. He died later that year.

Chapter Playlist:
Stacie Orrico – Dear Friend
Hinder – Better Than Me

http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred

Chapter 4
EPOV
Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Jasper and I had been playing musical covers for over a month, and while I enjoyed the acoustic guitar, I found that I preferred the rhythm of the bass guitar. We'd covered everything from classics to current hits but discovered that we both enjoyed the simplistic rhythms over the intricate beats when playing acoustically. There was something about the purity of the sound that the acoustic would create when you let it harmonize with a basic bass line.

While I knew my brother's intentions were to help distract me from the empty hole in my chest, I still couldn't let go of the pain that her memories brought me. I couldn't just forget, or move on; she was my entirety. Even though I couldn't be with her, I wouldn't deny myself the few memories I had cherished of her. Those moments were what I clung to in order to exist from day to day.

I was hunting more regularly than the first month that we had moved away, but I still refused to fully sate my thirst. It felt wrong to try to ease my own pain when I knew that I deserved so much worse. Jasper would always try to ease the hurt, but it got to be too much for him at times, and he would leave the house for the weekend with Alice at his heels. I felt even worse when they left because I knew that I was driving my family away and it was because of a choice I had made.

Last week I had decided that I wouldn't continue driving my favorite sister and her mate away from their own family. Instead, I would leave when I knew the black void of my pain was becoming close to unbearable for Jasper; I simply disappeared into the snow and ice covered mountain tops that overlooked our house and the valley.

I curled up at the mountain's edge for days at a time before Alice came to find me, and tell me that it was time to go home. We hunted together before returning to our family. I loved my sister dearly for her dedication and determination to not let me waste away, but some days I simply wished that the hole in my heart would swallow the rest of my useless existence.

I had been lying on the cliffs' edge for around three or four days before Alice had come to retrieve me this time. I could hear her mind as she hummed a simple bass line in her head. However, it wasn't until I heard her voice ring out that I knew she was that close.

"Cannonball!" she screamed. Her tiny figure jumped from the cliff above me and landed in the snow. She created a wave of white fluff that flew in every direction, burying me in the process.

I groaned and sat up, the snow falling from my shoulders. Alice's hair was covered in white snowflakes and a giant grin was plastered across her face. Sometimes simply seeing my sister so ecstatic was enough to make me crack a small smile. If Jasper ever knew how easily she could sway my emotions, he might have been jealous, but I wasn't planning on ever informing him if I could help it.

Alice sprang out of the crater of snow, and stood above me, her fingers outstretched. I sighed and rolled my eyes before taking her hand. I knew that Esme had probably sent her out to get me, but knowing Alice she would wait until the best possible moment so that she wouldn't have to deal with my resistance.

"First one to the top of the mountain gets the bigger game?" she asked with a grin.

I rolled my eyes again and shook my head. "Why don't you just tell me who wins so we can spare the loser the disappointment?"

"I do!" she cheered and grabbed my arm. "Come on! I know where there are a few bears in hibernation a few miles east. We can rub it in Emmett's face when he gets back with Rose for Christmas." She giggled and tugged on my sleeve.

We hunted a few bears before we went back home. When we reached the house, Jasper and Esme were sitting on the front steps, discussing holiday plans and the possibility of inviting the Denalis over to spend Christmas Eve with us. The thought of spending even one day near Tanya was not appealing to me, but I did miss her sister, Kate, and their father of sorts, Eleazar.

Jasper sensed my reluctance as I approached the house. He guessed it had to do with the plans they were making about the Denali clan visiting, but he didn't say anything out loud. Silently, he apologized to me before squeezing Alice tightly and placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Alice was practically bouncing in his arms when she turned to look back up at me again.

"Come on! I've had this White Stripes song in my head for two days, and I really want you guys to play it!" She nearly dragged Jasper by the hand into the house, with me at their heels. He and I exchanged a knowing look and rolled our eyes in unison. We both knew that there was no denying Alice when she really wanted something.

./.

It had been a week since I last left for my family's sake, and I could feel the pressure building inside my chest to the point of being unbearable for Jasper. I could only take so many days of social interaction before I was just too drained to ignore the burn anymore, and put up the façade.

Every time I left, Esme would silently plead with me to 'Be careful', 'Take care of yourself', and 'Return home soon'. Yet, every time I was gone longer than the time before. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep up the charade for the next eighty some-odd years, but I had to try for as long as I could; for my family.

I wished that I knew how she was doing; if she was safe… if she was happy. I often contemplated checking up on her, but then I would remember my promise to her and try to think about something else. Alice had been pressuring me more and more to act on those impulses, but she knew when to quit pushing and let it go, thankfully.

I'd been sitting at the piano bench for a few hours, staring at the pale keys. I was waiting for any kind of inspiration to strike me, but as usual nothing came to mind. Esme sat at the bay window for most of the day, in hopes of catching a rare glimpse of my composing a new piece. I was so absorbed in my own train of thought that I had been blocking out everyone else in the house. I was getting much better at ignoring their thoughts. At least that was one positive thing to come of this horrible nightmare.

I turned, looked at Esme and focused on her mind. She stared out the window, thinking of how excited and happy she was about our entire family being back together for Christmas. In less than a week Rosalie and Emmett would return from their honeymoon and spend the holidays with us in Alaska.

She was reminiscing about the previous Christmases we had spent, playing out her favorite memories of each year. I could sense the sorrow that permeated her thoughts and I knew that it was partly because she had spent all year looking forward to this Christmas, and that now it would be nothing like she had hoped. She had been planning an extravagant Christmas in Forks since July, and now that idea was completely shattered.

It broke my heart every time I saw Esme so sad over the loss of someone that she barely knew, but I was aware of how attached she had become to… her. She started humming a simple tune that I didn't recognize, as the memories in her mind shifted to her human life. The scenes seemed so personal; It felt as though I was intruding on her privacy.

I shifted my position and let my eyes focus on the ivory keys beneath my fingers. The soft melody Esme was repeating in her mind brought forth feelings of longing, and devotion. I let my fingers press down, finding the notes similar to the ones she was playing in her thoughts. When I struck the first few notes, she turned to look at me with a smile of excitement. I continued to play with the inspiration that she had given me, molding it into its own melody as it echoed throughout the house. It was slow and gentle, with no distinct verse, chorus, or bridge.

Alice and Jasper drifted into the room from upstairs. They were drawn to any new music that filled the house as of late. Jasper took a seat on the sofa that faced the piano, and Alice sat curled up on his lap with her head resting on his shoulder as they watched me play.

I hadn't composed a new song on the piano since the first day I had played for Esme in October. All of our songs had been done acoustically on the guitars and were covers. I always hesitated to play anything on the piano, because I knew the emotions that they would elicit within me. However, this time it was Alice that was affected by the composition.

She had spent the last few days very upset, and quiet, which was very unusual for her. I knew that our leaving Forks bothered her most when it came to my siblings, but I didn't think that it would have affected her generally upbeat nature that drastically. She hadn't shopped in several weeks, and she wasn't her normal bubbly self. I could hear the sorrow in her thoughts in the few times that I didn't try to block my family's minds from my own. I knew that Alice missed her — a lot — maybe even almost as much as I did. I also knew that a small part of her hated me for making us leave, and not letting her say goodbye to her best friend; her sister.

When I caught a trace of Alice's thoughts, I was surprised. She was singing words silently in her own head. Jasper could feel the sadness rolling off her as she clung more tightly to him. He stroked her arm slowly, his lips pressed against her temple as though in a never ending kiss. I closed my eyes and sighed. Why couldn't this pain affect only me, why does it have to torture my family as well?

When Jasper whispered in her ear to "let it out," she nodded her head slightly before taking a trembling breath. I was still playing the gentle song inspired by my Esme's humming, and it was clear that the song inspired her as well. Alice closed her eyes tightly, and brought an image of her into her mind. She was smiling brightly, frozen in action with pure bliss etched across her face. I shut my eyes tightly at the reminder and felt the pressure inside me build.

"Dear Friend, what's on your mind?" Her words came out so quietly that I wasn't sure if she was still thinking them, or saying them out loud. While she sang the next line, her mind shifted to an image of her laughing animatedly. The images changed repeatedly in her mind as she sang each line to her long-lost friend.

A small part of me wanted to demand that she stop; the pain was becoming unbearable. Another part of me knew that she was hurting the same way that I was, and who was I to deny my sister her own memories?

"Dear Friend, I feel so helpless," Alice sang. The pain was evident in her images shifted to scenes I had never seen before; her crying into her pillows, screaming in her sleep as she woke from her dreams, avoiding her own reflection in the mirror.

"I know you don't feel pretty, even though you are. But it wasn't your beauty that found room in my heart," she sang louder than before, her voice echoed like a bell throughout the house.

I turned to look at Esme sitting at the window, and saw that her eyes were glossy and filled with pain as well. She closed them, but the venom tears didn't fall as she wished they would. I glanced back to Jasper as my fingers continued to play the melody. I could see how hard this was on him, to see his mate in so much pain, and to be surrounded by so much sorrow. However, I knew he wouldn't leave Alice's side, even if she asked him to. He simply stroked her arm, kissing her temple and hair gently every few seconds.

Alice continued to relive her memories and visions of heras she sang along with the piano. She shared the comforting words that she longed her sister could hear. I slowed the composition down, leaving out the extra flourishing notes, so that it was just a simple harmony with her voice. She held onto the image of hersmiling for the last time at her birthday party, only three months ago.

"Dear Friend, you are so precious… Dear Friend," she sang, letting the last word linger before turning into Jasper's chest and sobbing. Her body shook with tears that would never fall. My brother held her tight, cradling her to his body as he whispered into her hair repeatedly.

'It isn't just you that is going through the pain of losing Bella, Brother. We all are suffering from the emptiness she has left in our lives,' Jasper said silently to me. I cringed when he said hername, but I nodded, acknowledging his words.

Alice turned in Jasper's arms and looked over at me through sad eyes. "I miss her too, Edward." She spoke so quietly. "Please- she is hurting, too."

I sighed and shook my head, letting my eyes fall to the floor. "I know Alice, but we can't. She deserves to live her life; we can't take that from her. I know you don't remember your life before, but all of us struggle with what we have become. We can't take her soul from her. Just look at Rosalie, she wouldn't have chosen this, even if it meant that she never would have found Emmett. I can't… I won't do that to her." I wished that Alice could understand that this was necessary, but I knew that she was clouded by the pain of her own loss.

"That's not true, Edward. She wanted this. She wanted you, this family, this life. Why do you refuse to see what she wanted?" Alice stood up, leaving Jasper's arms. Her hands were clenched tight in small fists and her body shook. "This is the life she was meant to live, Edward. This is the path she chose, and you took that from her! You didn't even give her an option! You treated her like a child!"

"Because she is one, Alice!" I snapped. "She is just an eighteen-year-old girl infatuated with the mystery and fantasy of it all. Humans don't love on the same scale we do, Alice. She will move on and be happy! We have to give her that," I argued back. My own words tore at my dead heart. I never wanted to admit that out loud, but Alice forced me to.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you? She loves you just as much as you love her. Just as much as I love Jazz! How can you demean her feelings like that, Edward? She trusted you! You two were meant for each other, I've seen it!" She was shaking more violently, and sobbing. Jasper had wrapped an arm around her waist, trying to calm her, but he couldn't even sway her emotions an inch at this point.

"If we were meant for each other, then you should still see it, but you don't! You don't see us together, and that's because she isn't meant for our world. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than me…"

"Well at least we agree on one thing," she spat bitterly through her teeth as she turned and ran, Jasper trailing behind her.

I sighed and sat back down at the piano, my hand flying violently through my hair as I closed my eyes tightly. Why can't she just accept that this is how things are supposed to be? No matter how much Iloveher, I could never keep her safe as a human, and I would never take her soul from her.

"I think Alice is right, Edward," Esme said quietly. I turned my head quickly to look at her, shocked, but she held a hand up. "Let me finish. I think you should have given her the option. You said none of us would have chosen this as our life if we had a choice, but you never gave her the option to make that choice for herself. I know you don't think human love is as strong as ours, but I knew I loved Carlisle before I even knew who he was. Maybe you should ask Jasper about the feelings Bella had shown when around you; you may be surprised."

I felt so angry at Esme for taking Alice's side, but I didn't want to argue about this anymore. My decision was made, and Alice would learn to live with it, just as I had. I turned and grabbed the acoustic guitar before I ran out of the house.

'Please, be careful, Son,' she thought just before I was out of reach of her mind.

./.

It was two days before Rosalie and Emmett would be home for Christmas. I apologized to Alice for being so upset with her, and accepted that she was entitled to her own opinion. We still hadn't played together since the day that she had sang her song, however.

Alice spent time with Jasper, practicing on her box-drum while he played guitar solos. I spent most of my time in my room avoiding my family, writing out lyrics as they came to me. I finished two new pieces and was still trying to decide if I wanted to share them with anyone or lock them away to never be heard out loud.

I could hear Jasper playing a very intricate melody downstairs in the living room as Alice found a steady rhythm to accompany it on her drum. They were playing for almost an hour before the song really started to come together. I missed the jam sessions with my siblings, and silently scolded myself; I felt torn. Should I go downstairs and attempt to join them, or should I stay upstairs and leave them to their duet?

'I can feel your wavering emotions, Edward. Whatever you are trying to decide, if it involves Alice and I, you should know you are always welcome. She is still hurt, but not angry. Though, if you upset her again, I can't promise I won't hurt you,' Jasper thought from the living room.

I sighed and slowly walked down the stairs at a human's pace. Esme and Carlisle were upstairs in the study, quietly discussing plans for the holidays and paying little attention to the rest of us in the house. I sat at the bottom step of the stairs to the living room and watched Jasper and Alice start over from the beginning of the song they had been working on.

The melody was very rhythmic in the beginning, and beautiful. Once the chorus began it became deeper, with a solid underlying beat, emphasizing each note. Alice's hand ghosted over the small box-drum so quickly and quietly that it almost felt like a heartbeat or bass line matching the key notes. The entire thing was beautiful, and hinted at so much, without having to be blatant about the emotions. As they finished, they both beamed at each other and turned to look at me. I cracked a slight smile and nodded.

"That's great, guys. Alice— you are really great at that. It all flows so naturally. Does it have words yet?" I asked curiously.

"Actually—" Jasper started, but was cut off by Alice.

"We were hoping you would share some of the lyrics you've been writing. I know you have one that fits perfectly," she said as her mind replayed her vision of us playing the song again. I was singing the lyrics that I had written earlier in the week. I sighed and nodded.

"Alright, is there another guitar line or a bass line you had in mind, Jasper?"

"Sure, here, take the other acoustic guitar. I was thinking we could just play the simpler notes of the underlying melody as an emphasis, and then during the chorus have it pick up and be the lead," he said as he handed me the other guitar.

I stood up, took the guitar, and sat down on the floor next to Alice and across from Jasper. He went over the chords a few times, showing me what he meant for which parts. The construction of a song was something he was amazing at, and Alice had a knack for finding the rhythm he intended. She joined in on her box-drum, pulling the entire thing together seamlessly. After practicing the individual parts a few times, I let him know that I was ready.

"I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies that I made you believe."

The first words echoed quietly through the room. It was the same phrase I had been telling myself ever since I left Forks; ever since I left her. I could feel a burning in my chest as I said the words out loud, singing them to the harmony Jasper and Alice had spent all day creating. I had written this song as my explanation, or my reminder of why I had left. Alice picked up the beat as we neared the first chorus, and I took a shaky breath before pushing into the louder rhythm.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you. I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, and I think you should know this; you deserve much better than me," my voice cracked at the last line.

Esme and Carlisle came downstairs and took a seat on the bottom step of the living room stairs. They watched us in silence as we played another original song. A part of me hated the fact that my family was hearing my confessions, but I knew that it was something they wouldn't take lightly or hold against me. They may not agree with me, but they would never hate me for it.

I closed my eyes as we played the next verse. I sang of my memories of her and everything that I had taken from her. The chorus quickly shifted into the bridge and we all picked up the volume a bit, playing more forcefully.

"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder; wish I never would've said it's over, and I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older because we never really had our closure; this can't be the end," I sang with so much force that I tried to not sob.

Alice doubled up on the drum rhythm, making the floor vibrate as Jasper played through the chorus. I put as much energy into my own chords as I could while I cried out the lines of the chorus again. Her scent seemed to envelop my memories, and it was as if I tasted her sweet breath on my tongue. As tightly as I held her memory to me, it had never felt as close as it did at that moment.

We played the chorus twice and filled the melody with as much strength as we could. As the guitars faded out, I let my eyes close and inhaled the memory of her scent; freesias and strawberries mixed with a sweetness that could only be described as my Bella. I knew my resolve was starting to crack and Alice smiled, acknowledging it. I couldn't keep this up much longer; I knew something had to give.

"Bella…" I whispered.

Song question for the chapter: What one song reminds you of a specific friend, and why?