DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.

[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all to share an underrated song that you thought everyone should hear. My first answer: Cranes – Jewel. V.A.S.T. - Pretty When You Cry.
I adore everything by Cranes, and V.A.S.T. has some amazing songs on their first album.

Chapter Playlist:
Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day
One Republic – Apologize
Linkin Park – What I've Done

http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred

*Tissue warning.*

Chapter 9 pt2
EPOV
Monday January 16th, 2006

The conversation between my family was all a blur to me. I vaguely remembered questions about a funeral, and investigating the vampire's scent, and a discussion with the Quileute Tribe. I sat and stared at the drop of blood on the broken piano key. Jasper tried to help me, but I heard him murmuring the word comatose to the others frequently.

I had cried tears. They were tears of venom, but they were tears. Carlisle said he had only heard of such a thing happening once before. When Marcus' soul mate Didyme died, Marcus shed tears for days. No one had known that it was possible. My family didn't discuss the subject at length, but they decided it must happen when the soul is completely broken by the loss of its other half. True heartbreak and anguish over the loss of one's soul mate caused us to cry. I became lost in thought of Bella truly being my equal and didn't hear the rest of their discussion.

Later, they said we would wait until after the funeral to go back to Alaska. We weren't permitted to attend since it was on the reservation, but we could watch from the hill. Carlisle mentioned that they had spoken to the tribal elders about any additional information regarding the accident.

It wasn't until the day of the funeral that I really started to pay attention to my surroundings again. Esme had spent most of her time sitting at the window, or on the porch. She tried not to show how much she was hurting, but I heard every thought, and I knew the pain of losing Bella better than anyone. Jasper would run a patrol occasionally to escape the feelings in the house. He told Alice that it felt like the emotions were literally suffocating him.

Carlisle and Alice had looked into the police reports, photos, and even visited her room the second day looking for clues. They said they could smell the vampire in her room when they went, but it didn't go anywhere else in the house. That was the part that made no sense to me. I hadn't smelled anything that strong when I was there the night it all happened, yet two days later, the scent was there and just as strong as it was at our house.

Could that have been the presence watching me? Did the stranger wait until I left to go back in for whatever evidence I had missed?

I sighed in frustration as the events of the past few days swam in my head. Carlisle asked me to go back to Bella's room to see if anything had been taken, and I agreed. We decided to go just before the funeral so no one would know we had been there. Carlisle came in with me, while the rest of the family waited just inside the forest's edge. I glanced around the room quickly; everything was in the same condition. I looked at the bed, the rocking chair, the closet, the floor; everything was in the same place. As my eyes floated to the desk, I paused.

"What is it, Edward? What's wrong?" Carlisle asked calmly.

"Her notebooks. There were half a dozen of them stacked on her desk in a mess, and they are all gone. All of them. Why would anyone take her notebooks?" I was completely confused. What would a vampire want with Bella's thoughts, and notes?

"What were they? School notes? A diary?"

"They were like sketch books and diaries of thoughts and phrases. I'm not certain what they said, I only read the first two pages. I felt bad for intruding on her privacy… I should have looked. They could be important." I was speaking more to myself, than my Father.

"What did those two pages say, Edward? You're right, it could be important."

"They… it was just sketches of eyes; eyes filled with all sorts of emotion. The second page was of crying eyes, but they looked like hers, and on the bottom corner…" I swallowed and shook my head, remembering. "She had written 'Never is a promise' at the bottom."

I didn't want to be there any longer. I was surrounded by her things, her life, her memory. I just wanted to run as far away as I could, and not have to face this anymore. I swallowed again and shuddered. I wanted to run away from her again. I suppressed the urge to run, telling myself that I couldn't leave everything behind me anymore. I had to face what I had done to her, to us.

"Does that mean anything to you? Was that something she said often, or lyrics she listened to?"

"Lyrics? Oh my God, the CD!" I turned to leave, but Carlisle grabbed my arm.

"What CD, Edward? Are they lyrics from a CD?" I could tell he was losing his patience.

"No, I found a CD in her disc-player that had a song on loop. It was playing in Alice's vision and I completely forgot about it. I need to listen to the song!" I was frantic. That song could hold a clue.

"But the words, Edward, what do they mean to you? We can listen to the song in a moment."

"They… when I left her, I told her that it would be as if I never existed, that she would never see me again. Maybe she… was coming to realize that it was a promise," I said quietly. I had finally admitted it out loud.

Carlisle stood and looked at me for a moment, processing the information. 'You never told us exactly what you told her that day. If she had truly taken that as a promise, I… I can only imagine the pain she felt,' he thought before releasing my arm. "Where is the CD?" he asked after another moment of silence.

I pulled it from my back pocket and handed it to him. He turned and placed it into the player beside her desk.

"What track was on repeat? We can all listen to it together. You don't need to grieve alone, Edward," he spoke softly.

"Track thirteen," was all I said. I sat on the edge of her bed and wrapped my arms around my ribs. Alice and Esme came into Bella's room and sat on the other side of the bed while Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie stood just inside the door. Her room looked so small and crowded with this many people, it didn't feel right.

Jasper sensed my awkwardness and sent me a wave of calm and comfort. Esme squeezed my shoulder gently, thinking consoling thoughts. Carlisle pressed play and turned up the volume. A loud cheering erupted as a guitar started to play a sad melody. Soon, the vocals filled the room, and I could feel the sorrow in the song.

"Have you ever been so lonely, there's no one there to hold? Just pull me in or disown me."

The words struck me with a fierce emotional pain that caused me to tremble. Is this how she felt before she died? I could hear everyone else thinking something similar. The lyrics were so sad and empty. It tore at me from the inside.

"Just hold my hand to show some concern for if I live or die."

I heard Esme gasp as her hand flew to her mouth, trembling. She was remembering how she felt the day she tried to kill herself as a human. She was so full of sorrow and grief, and these lyrics mimicked her feelings so closely that it frightened her. 'Of course we care, Bella. We always cared,' she thought. I swallowed hard and shook my head in regret.

"The thought of ending it soon, just let me sleep in my room. Hear me, cry…."

Alice leaned over, wrapping her arms tightly around her ribs, and sobbed. She hadn't seen any of this, and she was blaming herself for not protecting her best friend; her sister. Flashes of Bella's depression played through her head and I groaned in pain. She had been looking for her future occasionally, against my wishes. There were glimpses of Bella sitting in her window, staring at the forest, and other moments of Bella spending time with Angela at school, or in shops. A few images of Bella thrashing in her sleep as she woke up screaming confirmed Charlie's memories and I felt my heart break further.

'I never saw her do anything to make me think she was going to kill herself though. None of this makes sense. I never got flashes of her randomly, I had to search for her every time, and I only got small pieces. Sometimes, I would get nothing at all and it scared me, but later she would appear at home. I missed her so much, Edward, I couldn't stop looking. I only looked on the days you would leave. What did I miss?' Alice focused on Bella once again, but all she saw was black and fog. She was completely gone. The red and black had disappeared the day after they arrived, and none of us knew what it meant.

The song continued, mentioning being scared, and a gun falling to a floor. I could hear sobs from behind me as I continued to shake. Jasper was rubbing Alice's back in an effort to comfort her, but not even his ability could change the level of sorrow and grief in the room.

'This is my fault. If I had been in better control, this would have never happened. I tried to kill my sister, my mate's best friend. Now she's truly dead, and it's my fault,' Jasper thought. 'I'm so sorry, Edward. This is completely my fault.'

I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault and that I didn't blame him. I knew deep down that it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't let myself forgive anything or anyone yet. I had made this bed and now I had to lie in it. I was being forced to lie in it. This was not the path I thought I would choose. This was not how things should have been. Fate could be such a cruel mistress, but I was the only one to blame for this destiny.

"But maybe life's not for everyone."

I clenched my fists and cried out, pounding at my temples with the rage and despair I felt towards myself for having done this to her. I felt a hand on my shoulder and another arm pulling me into an embrace. I pushed my arms out, forcing the contact away. "No!" I cried, "Don't touch me! I destroy everything…"

Esme gasped and sobbed as Alice shook and flinched away from me.

"Edward, she had this song on repeat?" Carlisle asked me quietly.

I nodded and wrapped my arms more tightly around my torso. I did this to her.

"Edward, Son, we should leave. The funeral will be starting soon," Carlisle said calmly, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I turned my back on him and walked out of the house. I took off running towards La Push beach, without waiting for them. When I reached the cliffs overlooking the beach, I saw a bonfire below. Dozens of people sat on the rows of logs that were placed around the fire. A large poster-board with Bella's picture was set off to the side on a stand with hundreds of flowers below it.

They couldn't hold a traditional funeral since there was nothing to bury. The remains had been burned so badly that they could only salvage ashes. There was a small wooden box on the ground beside the picture, and Charlie was seated closest to them. I scanned the rest of the crowd and recognized Renee and Phil walking up to the front.

I took a seat on the edge of the cliff and watched the people gather. They exchanged embraces and words of comfort as they took a seat and stared at the bonfire. They were too far away for me to hear their thoughts. Alice and Jasper caught up to me first and took a seat to my left. Alice sat closest to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. She reached down and took my hand in hers. I sighed deeply but didn't move or take my eyes off of the bonfire.

The rest of the family joined us shortly after. Esme sat on my right with Carlisle beside her, and Rosalie and Emmett sat beside him. We watched in silence for an hour as the service was held. People took turns speaking, and when they were finished with what they had to say, they tossed a folded piece of paper into the bonfire. When Angela's father stood and spoke, everyone bowed their head. We couldn't hear the prayer, but we bowed our heads as well. We took each other's hands as Carlisle said a prayer.

"That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon and touched with our hands, concerning the word of life, the life was made manifest, and we saw it, and testify to it, and proclaim to you the eternal life which was with the Father and was made manifest to us. Amen," he said softly and looked back at the bonfire. I recognized the passage as John 1:1. It was about remembering that life is precious and that it exists in everything and should be cherished. I had failed in cherishing Bella.

The sun was setting and the sky was lit up with vibrant pinks and oranges. The clouds rolled over the fading sunset, dulling the colors in the sky to purple and grey hues. The beauty of twilight was nothing compared to the beauty of my Bella. A crack of thunder sounded, just as a flash of lightening split the sky. The storm was close. Everything darkened and the clouds released Heaven's tears.

The rain poured down upon the service, causing the flames to die out. I watched as Charlie picked up the wooden box and walked towards the crashing waves of the shore. He paused for a long moment with his eyes fixed on the horizon. He looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. A gust of wind blew furiously as he opened the box. He tipped the box over in his hands, into the water and watched as the ashes floated through the air, the wind carrying them over the ocean in a grey cloud.

My body trembled so violently that I couldn't hold it in any longer. Every emotion came pouring out so strongly; I could feel the grief flood my mind, body and soul. My arms tightened around myself as I let out a deep sob, and moaned. I cried as I watched the sun fully submerge itself beneath the ocean's horizon, taking with it the last bit of light in the sky, and consequentially, my world. The rain beat down heavily, soaking my body with nature's tears as I shed my own.

"And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you," I murmured quietly, my eyes fixed where the sun had disappeared into the water.

"And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun, will set for you," I sang louder as I rocked back and forth, in a trance.

I paused, taking a shaky breath before I sang my goodbye. "Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple… Sometimes goodbye's the only way." I closed my eyes and saw her face, tear-stained and somber; the same as the day I had left her.

"And the sun will set for you; the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you…" I opened my eyes slowly and looked down at my knees curled up close to my chest. I took in a deep breath and looked to the sky. The rain washed over my face, tracing the same lines my tears had.

"I love you, my Bella. Goodbye."

./.

After the funeral, Carlisle asked me if I wanted to speak with the wolf pack. Apparently, they were phasing again, and their pack was now over half a dozen strong. I knew he wanted me to speak with them to see if they were lying, but I decided against it. I didn't want to stay in Forks any longer than necessary, and they had little reason to lie about her death. What could they be hiding? Bella? No, the little bit of evidence that made sense pointed to an accident. As far as they knew, it was just an unforeseeable tragedy.

Her car had swerved off the road and smashed into a boulder. It rolled into a ditch where it then hit another boulder, trapping her inside the car, and caught fire. What didn't make much sense was why she was driving that direction in the first place, or why there was blood in her room.

There were no human remains found, and the only identifiable objects linking her to the scene was the turquoise bracelet she had been wearing that day and her wallet along with a few scraps of the clothing that she had been wearing.

Carlisle told me we could still continue to look into it if I felt the need to. Of course, I wanted to know exactly what had happened, but I couldn't see a way of getting answers. Her scent was found at her house, our house, and inside the truck. Her notebooks were gone, no 'body' was left for identification and the Quileute tribe said they had no further information. They seemed just as distraught as Charlie.

We spent the rest of the day discussing possibilities of who the vampire could be, and even called Laurent. He said he hadn't had contact with Victoria since he left the baseball field that fateful evening and that he was living happily with Irina in Alaska. The Denali sisters confirmed he had never left, was adhering to the vegetarian diet, and had no contact with anyone outside of their coven.

We had nothing. No leads, no clues, and no possible scenarios besides the one presented in the police report. Looking into it further would require some serious hacking, stealing, or bribing, all of which could possibly be traced back to us, and then we would look guilty.

I had to agree with Carlisle, there was nothing more that we could do. We had no one to blame or seek justice from except myself.

While Carlisle and Emmett fueled the vehicles, Jasper, Alice and I sat in the living room. We had all of our musical equipment with us as the family had come directly from the club. Alice had her drum, and Jasper had his guitar.

A melody began to flow through me as I sat at the piano. It had a feeling of purpose, and dedication to it. It was strong, but filled with regret and sorrow. My fingers flew across the keys as I swayed on the bench.

I thought of all the things I had said to her, and how I had hurt her. I had hung my head in regret every day for having walked away from her. The song seemed to come from deep inside of me as I sang about myself, and my guilt. She had been begging me to not go, to not break her heart, but I pretended I didn't hear her pleas. I acted as if they meant nothing to me, like she meant nothing to me. I knew she would have apologized for anything and everything if it would have kept me there, but it she was not the one who needed to apologize, it was me. Now I never would have that chance.

As the first verse ended, I picked up the tempo. Jasper strummed light chords to match the piano and Alice's hands glided over the drum in a simple rhythm that matched the beat perfectly.

"It's too late to apologize, it's too late," I sang out loudly, my fingers dancing over the keys. I repeated the phrase, wishing she could hear my apology and forgive my foolish choices. A part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness, but I knew I didn't deserve it.

"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new." Alice's rhythm changed to something softer that matched the tempo of a human heart. I sang of my love for Bella as it chilled my bones. I called her my angel, and my heaven, but neither would ever come close to Bella. I took a deep breath and stilled my hands over the keys; the music stopped entirely.

"But I'm afraid!" I cried out, screaming the words at the ceiling, the heavens, God, and any being that would listen. I was truly afraid to live without her. I didn't deserve to walk this earth with her, but I didn't feel right walking it without her.

I leaned into the piano and started the melody again, playing it faster than before as I cried out the chorus. I was filled with so much emotion that it was a wonder Jasper could tolerate being near me. Maybe the car ride home would be too much for him, and he would kill me then and there. I could only dream of a sweet and quick death, although I knew Hell was my destination.

When we finished the song, I sat in silence for a few minutes. I could already hear a new song forming in my mind. It seemed the loss of my love was quite the muse for melodies, but I would have given up everything musical, everything precious to me if I could have her back.

Perhaps that was my hell. No death, no pain, no burning; just a constant reminder through angst-inspired music and lyrics. I swore to myself at that exact moment that I would never stop making music, or playing until the day I left this existence. This would be my memorial to Bella. This would be my constant reminder of the pain I caused her. This would be my self-sacrifice, my own personal damnation.

My fingers began to glide over the keys once more. This time, the notes were slower and flowed like water. Jasper immediately played a lower tune and slid his hands over the frets to match my tempo. Alice played a soft beat at the edge of the drum, making light, crisp notes ring out over our harmony. I took in a steady breath, and focused on the lyrics forming in my mind.

"In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibis. Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies," I sang so softly it came out lighter than a whisper. The song was so gentle it could be a lullaby. "So let mercy come and wash away..." I took a deep breath and shifted into a higher range.

"What I've done. I'll face myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done," I sang. I imagined my past being erased so easily of all of my choices and mistakes.

She would have always forgiven my past. She had been determined that I had a soul and was not a monster. She was right; the monster didn't exist until I lied to her and broke her heart, killing her in the process. Without her, I was no one – nothing. I spoke of forgiving myself, and starting over. While this would never be true, I could never forgive my actions and their outcomes, I would forgive myself of my past demons, as she would have wanted. My lies and her death would be my only burdens. I would carry them on my back, in my heart, and in my shattered soul for the rest of my existence; for her. My music would be for her, and my lyrics would be my memories of my love living on. For her.

This would always be for Bella. Always, and forever. But how long would my forever be?

Song question of the chapter: What's the saddest song you've ever heard? A song that brings tears to your eyes just thinking about it. Brings you to your knees, makes you gasp for air. If it's a repeat of a previous chapter answer, that's fine.