DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]
Special thanks to: Ocdmess
Last chapter I asked what one song from your childhood that your parent's/family listened to still holds a lot of meaning for you?
My answer: Cat Stevens – Sad Lisa. The Doors – This is the End.
My mother was the Beatles and Righteous Brothers fan, while my Father was The Doors, and Cat Stevens.
Chapter Playlist:
Pink Floyd – Goodbye Blue Sky
The Killers – All These Things That I Have Done (acoustic)
Placebo – Running up that Hill
http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred
Chapter 10 pt II
BPOV
Tuesday January 17th, 2006
"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart."
- Murakami
One second. That was all the time it took for my favorite dreams to be turned into my worst nightmares, and my worst nightmares to became my reality. When I felt her cool lips press into my flesh and saw her red irises widen in anticipation; I knew my fate. I didn't need the ability to see the future to know what was going to happen to me.
When Victoria pulled away, I was confused, angry even. Wasn't she supposed to drink until I was dead? Why would she let go when I was so helpless to her desires? Then her expression registered in my mind. Panic. The blonde boy snarled fiercely as he looked at Victoria. She turned to the boy and pointed at me, telling him to 'Finish her' before she jumped out of my window. He looked all too pleased to obey her command as he lunged at me for the second time.
He only drank for a few seconds before he stopped. By that point, I was so lost in my own mind from the pain, shock, and desperation for it all to end that I didn't notice Jake right away. My eyes rolled back in my head and my chest felt like it was caging a wild animal. My heart was beating so fast I could barely hear anything else. Panic coursed through me, and I blacked out.
At some point, I woke and saw Garrett and Sam standing over me. No, not them, I had thought. I didn't want them to witness my death. When Garrett whispered he was sorry, I wanted to scream at him. He hadn't done this to me, and now, maybe I could finally get some peace. I worried about Charlie and Renee, and how they would handle my death, and finding me like this. I was sure that once they saw my scars, they would conclude it was a suicide, and that was the last thing I wanted on their consciences. Charlie would blame himself for not having seen the signs and Renee would blame herself for allowing me to move away from her. I felt the panic and the worry kick in again, but not for me and my own situation. Instead, it was for what my death would do to them.
I couldn't really focus on anything anymore; the pain in my neck was so intense. It was worse than when James had bitten me. I tried to focus on the sounds around me as my eyes roamed uncontrollably around in their sockets, not truly seeing anything distinctive. When the Pack and Garrett began to argue about what to do with me, I wanted to tell them to hide me, to protect my parents. Then, they said something about putting me out of my discomfort. I wanted to snort. Discomfort? Killing me would be a relief! I could only wish for such a death, and the irony was laughable.
Then I registered what they meant. Everything clicked into place, and I wanted to gasp. Discomfort from the pain of the burning, not from death. Of course I was dying, it was inevitable. However, the death was the only part of the experience I welcomed, the waking up afterwards was the part I did not. Of course this would be my path; Karma is a cruel bitch and spares no one.
I was mostly coherent when Garrett took me back to the house. I even remained fairly aware of my surroundings, burning in a silent agony until around the time we left in the vehicle. When he asked me if I preferred Canada or Alaska, I grimaced. Edward had told me of another coven they were close to in Alaska, and I never wanted to be reminded of the family I had lost. I guess Garrett took my grimace as a response for yes to Alaska, God knows why, and that's where we headed. I swore to get the hell out of there the moment I woke.
I listened to every word Garrett had said, and tried to focus on the music he played for me. The pain was indescribable, but I didn't let myself scream. I locked myself in my mind and focused entirely on everything I could hear.
Once we were in the vehicle, I could feel the cold venom pumping through my organs, and I knew the moment it had reached my heart. The part of me that I had thought was dead, collapsed in upon itself when he left, now burned with a new fever. I could feel my essence pull into my mind, trying to escape. I felt like two parts of me were battling, and I wasn't in favor of either side. I retreated to my thoughts and memories, trying to hold onto everything I could.
I knew from Alice's experience that it was possible to lose all memory of one's human life. I debated with myself if I wanted that or not. If I could get rid of all the pain of him and my life in Forks, would I? If it meant forgetting Renee, and Charlie, and the past eighteen years of my life, would I want to forget? I knew they couldn't be in my life anymore, and because of that I decided 'no'. I would take the pain and the heartbreak if it meant I could hold onto my love of something, or someone; anyone. I didn't want to someday take the chance of wandering across either of them before they died, and not know who they were, and hurt them all over again.
The fire in my veins intensified as it took over my entire body. All of my muscles constricted and shook as the venom burned away any DNA or resemblance to a human body. I had no idea how long it had been, but I prayed it was almost over.
It wasn't until it started to take over my brain and senses that I began to panic. I felt completely out of control, as my mind went wild, recalling all sorts of old memories. It was like it was shuffling the deck and re-filing the paperwork. I could see my entire life in extreme fast forward as it played through in a random sequence.
One moment I was watching my sixth birthday with Renee in Phoenix, surrounded by lavender balloons and decorations, and the next I was visiting Charlie for the last summer before I had stopped coming to see him altogether. The images of him were the most difficult to watch, though all of the young moments when I was a toddler and my parents were still happily married were extremely upsetting as well. I would never see my father or mother, and I knew they would never share that kind of happiness again.
I wondered if my life was flashing before me because I was dying, or if it was because I was changing. So many experiences that I had never remembered were shuffled in the deck of my mind and filed away under a different name and index number. It was like learning how to catalog in an old library all over again. Every memory I could now define with a topic, key phrase, emphasized emotion, and date.
When the liquid fire began to drain from my mind, the images began to slow and I found that I could think more clearly while they were processing. A few times, I even found myself thinking multiple different things at once while the cataloging was completing. The next part of me that was overcome by excruciating pain was my lungs. Simply breathing hurt and it reminded me of all the times I would wake in the middle of the night from another dream of him leaving. The pressure was nearly unbearable, and the intense smells burned my nasal cavities. I could smell smoke, cedar, leather, exhaust, rubber, clove, pine, metal, gas, and a sweet scent I couldn't describe. They all lingered together, but I could easily pick each one out individually. It felt like a massive overload in processing and analysis.
When I felt something cold on my skin, I wanted to sigh in relief. Finally something to numb the burn, I thought. The dampness against my skin felt strange and the surface tingled. The cold almost felt like burning in a completely different way, like when I would wake up freezing cold and couldn't feel my toes and would step into a hot shower or bath. The sting of extreme hot and cold lingered until finally they became the same temperature against my body.
As the temperatures leveled out, the fire receded from my fingertips and toes. I could hear the rustling of trees and fabric. Later, there was the soft strumming of a guitar and it caught my attention. I tried to focus my eyes, but everything was still blurry. Garrett was speaking to me but his voice sounded different. I focused harder, straining to ignore the burning pain aching throughout my body. I listened to Garrett play the guitar for me and he introduced each song, telling me why each one was a favorite.
I recognized the tune, and tried to push the focus towards his playing instead of the war in my body. His talent was amazing, and would never cease to amaze me with how well he made the art of playing guitar seem to be the easiest thing in the whole world. His voice was soft and melancholy as he sang Pink Floyd.
"The flames are all long gone, but the pain lingers on. Goodbye, blue skies. Goodbye, blue skies. Goodbye," he sang quietly as he played.
I could feel my focus slowly coming around and I repeated to myself that it must be near the end. I could finally hear everything clearly and I knew what was going on around me. I wasn't scared, or nervous, or anxious, or even concerned. I was completely and utterly pissed. The last thing I ever wanted was to feel this loss and pain for the rest of my life. Especially for the three whole days of burning and excruciating agony knowing that the void would still be there when I woke up for all eternity. The term 'life' became 'existence' and the term 'death' became 'damned'.
Garrett shifted into songs that were his own, and most of them had an uplifting feel to them. I could sense he was trying to be affectionate, but I was already so angry that it was harder for me to focus on his lyrics. One song he played that I really took a liking to, however, was one speaking of having a soul. The song had very strong chords and was repetitive. The bridge really caught my attention.
"I've got soul, but I'm not soldier. I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier," he sang repeatedly, letting the last one echo out with extreme force and emotion. It was like a chant, reminding him to believe in his words. I wondered when he wrote the song and what the story was behind it. I knew a little bit about his past, but I felt like he had skipped over a lot of the more depressing parts so that he wouldn't bring me down.
It was then that my heartbeat kicked into overdrive. I could feel it pounding against my ribcage four times faster than the human 'norm'. It sounded like it had three thumps per beat. It echoed in my ears so loudly that the rest of my surroundings were muted in comparison.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'
Then a new kind of pain kicked in and I wanted to scream out as my body and mind broke. I felt myself shatter into a million pieces. I could feel each shard crumble to dust as I watched them fall. I closed my eyes tightly and took in a deep ragged breath. The fire raging inside of me was worse than before.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'
Sometimes you have to just let the pieces fall to the floor, I realized, because the broken reflection is what leads to picking up the pieces in the right order to build anew. It felt like all I could do was stare at my metaphorical reflection as the mess I had become stared back. In my mind, all I could see was what I had never wanted to become, but would forever be damned to be.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'
I hated him. I hated him for leaving me broken. I despised him for letting me exist when he decided to walk away. I was angry that fate was cruel enough to decide that I too deserved to be damned to an existence where I would only know pain and emptiness. I was pissed he was able to walk, no, run away from everything so easily.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'
I wished I could trade him; his century of loneliness for my newly acquired eternity of a broken and shattered heart. I wanted to show him how much it hurt when he told me he didn't want me. I wanted to plead with God, any God that would listen, to take it all away and let me show him what he had made me become. I wished I could run away from it all. I begged silently that I could take away any of his pain, only to replace it with mine. The agony he might have felt in his hundred-years was nothing compared to the hurt and devastation he left me with when he took my heart from me, and I wanted him to hurt.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'
My heart beat faster in my chest, and all of my senses seemed to be set at maximum level. I could smell the frozen sap, and the sweet scent of dew and snow. I could hear the flakes as they fell to the ground around and over me. I could feel the snow as it stilled against my face delicately, but not melting. I could taste the sweetness in the air at the back of my throat as it ached. I took in another pained breath as I opened my eyes slowly, blinking rapidly.
'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-tha—'
I gasped and my breath shuddered at the last beat. I held perfectly still. My eyes rolled to the right and I saw Garrett sitting with his legs crossed in the snow and the guitar resting on his knee. I rolled my eyes to my left and saw a jeep a few feet away parked between two trees. I looked back to my right and locked eyes with Garrett.
I turned my hands over so my palms rested in the snow. The crunching noise rang through my ears so clearly it startled me. I jumped slightly and sat up straight in a fraction of a second. I licked my lips and felt my tongue pass over my lip ring. Odd, it's still there. I would have thought the venom would push it out or something, although I wasn't really an expert on vampirism. I remembered that Alice and Rosalie still had their ears pierced from their humans days, so venom must not close holes in the skin that are fully healed. I continued to stare at Garrett. He never blinked or looked away, just watched me carefully with no expression.
I bent my elbows and pressed my palms further into the snow beside me as I stood slowly. I could feel something under my feet, but I refused to break eye contact.
"Set the guitar down," I said quietly, my voice an unfamiliar sound.
He blinked twice but didn't move at first. Finally, he slowly swung the strap from around his shoulder and laid the guitar down at my feet on whatever was over the snow. The moment his hand released the guitar, I lunged at him. In less than a second he was pinned to the snow, staring into my eyes with shock and panic. I snarled so viciously I frightened myself.
"You promised," I growled.
"I—"
"YOU PROMISED!" I screamed, my lips curling up into another snarl.
"Bella, I couldn't stop it, there's no stopping it!" he screamed back in a panic.
"Yes you could have! You could have killed me, you could have sucked the venom out, you could have stopped it! You promised me!"
"Bella, once the venom reaches a certain point you can't suck it out. By the time the pack let me see you, you were already changing," he pleaded with me, but I didn't care what his excuses were. I reached my hand up to slap him but something in his eyes caught me off guard and I stopped, hand hanging mid-air.
"Bella, please. I didn't want this for you either. I know you didn't want this. I told you so many times I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do. Please, understand that," he said. He looked so sad, and lost. I could almost feel the despair rolling off of him.
"Why couldn't you have just killed me then? Finish drinking my blood, or a knife through the heart? Something, anything!" I screamed, my voice wavering with pain and frustration.
"Once you start changing, the blood is tainted and it wouldn't have done anything to stop the change. The venom had already passed through a full cycle in your veins. As for killing you…" he paused and closed his eyes. I could see him tremble slightly as he shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you Bella, I just couldn't."
"It's what I wanted! It's what you promised me, Garrett! Why?"
"The only way to kill someone while they are changing is to burn their body, but it isn't that simple. The venom is attached to the veins as it is mixing with the blood so that it repairs any damage done to the body. A person who is burned mid-change could take over a day to die, and it's the most unbearable pain imaginable. You would continually feel your flesh and muscles melting and then reforming. The fire would eventually burn the last bit of the venom, but it's a slow process of back and forth. Being rebuilt and then destroyed, until finally the body can't keep up and the venom burns as well." He kept his eyes closed as he spoke, with a somber expression etched across his face.
I wondered how he knew this. Had he seen it happen? I remembered what I was once told about Esme when she was changed. She was so broken that she was mistaken for dead. The venom first repaired the body, before attacking the cells.
"Please, Bella, believe me. I couldn't do that to you. I know you think this life is worse than death, but please understand that I couldn't put you through that. I couldn't do that to you, and I most certainly couldn't watch you die that way. I wished there was some other way, but there wasn't. I'm so sorry, Bella," he said quietly, opening his eyes to look into mine. His eyes were pitch black and creased around the sides from his sad expression.
I released my grip on him and stood up. I closed my eyes and dropped my head, wrapping my arms around myself. I felt him lift my chin and stroke my cheek as I took a shallow breath. My throat was on fire.
"Look at me, Bella. Please?"
I hesitated before I opened my lids and looked into his dark eyes.
"Please, forgive me. I know this isn't what you wanted, but maybe together we can make the best of it. I know you've lost so much in your short time alive, but this is a new life for you, and maybe you can find some light in this darkness?" He stared at me, his eyes filled with so many emotions. I closed my eyes and nodded. He wrapped me into his arms, holding me closely and tightly against his chest.
"I'm so sorry my dear, sweet Bella," he whispered in my ear.
I took a shaky breath and wrapped my arms around him as well, holding him tightly. He let out a soft whimper and I let go, looking up at him quickly.
"What? What's wrong?"
"You're stronger than me. It's one of the advantages of being a newborn. It was slightly uncomfortable, that's all," he said smiling as he stretched his shoulders back.
"Oh." I looked down, slightly embarrassed at the new knowledge. I don't know why I felt embarrassed, but if I were still human, my cheeks would have been bright pink.
"Hey." I felt his finger under my chin again. "Want to get a bite to eat?" he said, smirking at his own joke.
I couldn't stop my laughter, or my snort for that matter. I smiled back at him, nodding my head. He took my hand and dashed off toward the mountain cliff.
./.
Hunting was an experience I never could have imagined. My instincts completely took over, directing my hands and feet and mind. The taste of the bear's blood as it flowed down my throat was strange, but amazing. It wasn't something I would ever get used to or particularly enjoy. The taste wasn't horrible; it was the smell and texture I specifically didn't enjoy. I guess all of my experimenting with the smell of my own blood did me no good for this life.
After two bears, the ache in my throat was just a dull tingling sensation. I told Garrett I had had enough, and he tried to insist I would need more as a newborn. After a few moments of arguing, he gave in, not wanting to upset me. I was the stronger and faster one out of the two of us. I smiled at my small triumph and we went back to the frozen lake together.
The run was exhilarating and liberating. For the first time in eighteen years, I could carry myself on a surface with my own two feet and not make a fool of myself. In fact, I would almost say I was graceful. If I had to pick one major benefit of this new life, the ability to move so quickly and effortlessly would be it.
When we reached the lake, I sat down in the same spot where I had awoken. Garrett picked up his guitar and sat across from me, smiling like a little boy with an amazing secret.
"What?" I asked him, tilting my head and smiling.
"Nothing," he replied.
"Pft, I call bullshit. What?"
"I'm just happy," he said smugly.
"Why?"
"Because, for the first time in over two and a half centuries, I have someone to share my life with," he said through his grin.
"Hey! We aren't lovers or anything, so get that part straight right here and now. We're a coven. Friends. No more, no less," I said to him in a sharp, but playful tone.
"Companions. Amigos. Brotha's… or sista's… I suppose," he said.
My head fell back and my whole body shook with laughter. "I like companions, personally. Though I can call you my sistah-brotha if it makes you feel special," I teased.
"Companions it is then," he grinned, the creases at the corners of his eyes forming.
"So, what did I miss?" I asked, shifting the conversation to a more somber mood.
"Well, what do you remember?"
"I remember the attack, and you and Sam arguing about what to do about it. I remember you talking about an accident, and changing my clothes. I remember you playing the piano and putting me in the car—"
"Wait, you remember that much?" he asked, cutting me off.
"Yeah, why?" I asked, confused.
"Nothing, just… I'm sorry, go on." He shifted his weight and rested his arm across the top of the guitar.
"I remember the long drive and you talking to me the whole way, though I can't remember much of the talking, just that it was happening. I remember feeling the venom shift through different parts of my body, first my veins, then my organs. When it got to my mind it was harder to focus on your voice, but it was still there in the background. All of my memories of my life were being shuffled through, like my mind was reorganizing every event in my human life. Even memories of when I was a baby and a toddler that I never remembered.
"After that, it moved to my lungs, and my muscles, and the burning intensified. I could hear and smell things much better and multiple things at a time, like I was cataloging every detail, and analyzing it. Then my heart started to race, and everything felt like it was on fire. I just struggled to focus on my senses and stay within my mind until it finally stopped." I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands in my lap, not wanting to see his expression.
"Oh, God, Bella…" he said so softly, his voice laced with sorrow. I felt his finger under my chin as he raised my face to look at him.
"You were conscious through all of it? Every single bit?" he asked with such sadness.
"Yeah, why? Weren't you?" I looked at him, confused. Did I not change the same as him? As everyone?
"Bella, it's normal to remember the first few moments of the change before the first cycle is finished, and the last few moments as venom attacks the heart, but I've never met anyone who was coherent through the entire change. How did you ever manage? You never screamed, or moved, or cried. I thought you were in a trance." He paused and shook his head, letting his hand drop from my chin back into his lap.
"Is there something wrong with me?" I asked quietly. "Did something go wrong?"
"No! Nothing is wrong with you; it's just unheard of. How did you manage to deal with the pain, and the memories?"
"I just locked myself away in my mind. It felt like my body was torn into three different pieces. My body, versus the change, verses my mind. I hid in my mind while I let the war take over my body. When the memories came, I couldn't do anything but watch them. It was almost like a dream state, but I could feel the burn at the same time. When the memories were too much to bear, I would focus on the pain, and when that got to be too much, I would retreat back into my mind." I didn't understand why this had been unheard of. How did others manage to sleep through the change, and why couldn't I?
"You hid in your mind? What do you mean? I don't understand," he said, leaning forward to take my hand with his and giving it a tight squeeze.
"It was like closing a door or a window. I just settled into my thoughts and closed the window into the rest of my body. I could still hear and vaguely see what was going on around me. I could still feel the pain as it worked through my body, but it was more like watching it, removed from it. It felt separate from my thoughts and the sounds around me. Does that make any sense?" I asked him. I didn't know how else to explain it. I simply didn't want to deal with what was happening, so I retreated in every sense of the word to my own mind.
"Bella, try and make a decision. Just anything, and linger on it, going back and forth for me. Something easy," he released my hand and stared at me intently.
I thought about taking his guitar from him to play the song that had been lingering in my head moments before I woke up. I considered trying to play any instrument with my new strength. I knew I could easily break it, and he would be upset, but I also really wanted to get this song out.
"Bella? Please?" he asked. I furrowed my brows and tilted my head.
"What? I am. I'm trying to decide if I should try playing your guitar or not, because I might break it. I still haven't decided," I said smiling.
"Huh."
"What? What is it?" I asked confused.
"I can't sense your core at all. It's like there isn't even anything there."
"So I am broken," I muttered.
"No, no. Don't be so hasty. It could be a talent. Try to open that window again. Try to feel every little thing about your body, your surroundings, your emotions," he said, sounding more excited at the idea.
I thought about him and the feelings that I'd had just before my change was over; just before I died. I recalled the last few beats of my heart and the anger that it had made me feel. I knew I was damned to this life and I wanted to—
"Oh my God. I can sense it! Bella!" he cried out with the widest grin on his face.
I lost my train of thought and furrowed my brows. "What?"
"Oh. It's gone again. But I could sense it! It was there. What were you thinking about?"
"I was thinking about the last few moments before my body gave out. About how I felt, and how angry I was. How I wanted to show him how much he had hurt me," I answered coldly.
"I could sense you were thinking of doing something, but it wasn't a decision I could sway or even see, but I could sense your core. It must have something to do with your mind. A talent of sorts," he said rapidly. The idea of me having a talent seemed to excite him, but I didn't get it.
"What kind of talent; a talent to run away into my own mind for safety purposes? What good does that do me?" I asked full of spite and anger.
"No, it's called a shield. There are many different kinds. I've known a few physical shields. They could throw energy, or block it from themselves or others around them. Physical attacks couldn't work on them, and they could repel energy sent at them if it was a different kind of attack. I've heard of a mental shield, but never known one to understand how it works," he explained, still more enthusiastic than seemed necessary.
"So I can block your ability to persuade choices, and I could block telepathy. Wonderful, still doesn't seem all that cool or useful to me," I mumbled and raised my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them tightly.
"Give it time; I'm sure there's more to it. It took me almost a decade to fully understand all of my talent's capabilities," he said casually, trying to soothe my anger and disappointment.
"Hmph."
He chuckled softly and smiled. Slowly, his face fell into a somber expression again.
"What is it?" I asked him.
"Do you remember the plan for covering up your transformation?" he asked.
"Not clearly, no. I remember someone calling it an accident and you saying it had to be believable. Why?"
"Well, the Pack had to create a believable accident to cover up your death. They decided to make it look like a car accident and your truck caught fire, leaving no traces of DNA to be identified," he explained slowly and quietly. I could tell he didn't want to be discussing this anymore than I did, but I really felt I had to know what Charlie and Renee would come to believe had happened to me.
"They left a few of your belongings in the truck, like the bracelet you had been wearing, and your wallet. They didn't get a chance to clean up the room though, so that is going to be harder to explain."
"What about Victoria and the boy? Did you guys catch them?" I asked.
"Jake killed the boy before I got there. The smoke is actually what got my attention in the first place. Victoria, however, got away." I heard him curse under his breath as he shook his head.
"I went back that night for a few of your belongings. I didn't know if you would want your family to find your notebooks with your lyrics and poetry. I took them and some of your clothes. They are in the backpack in the car."
"Thank you," I replied quietly. "For everything, Garrett. I mean it. I know this isn't the life I would have chosen, but thank you for taking care of my family, and for getting my things. You really didn't have to. I appreciate that you did," I said, trying to smile.
At least Charlie and Renee wouldn't blame themselves for my death. I hoped that Charlie would let it go, and not go investigate. I knew it would be hard on them, but this would be a better life for them than if I had lived for many more years in my broken state. I would miss my crazy, erratic mother, and my thoughtful, quiet father, but they could finally live their lives without my interference. I knew I would never be able to see them again and my chest hurt to think about it, but I could still look in on them from time to time, maybe.
"So," Garrett said, breaking my silence. "You said you had a song stuck in your head? Feel like getting it out?"
I smiled slightly and nodded. He always knew how to bring me out of my slumps and help me get my feelings out; working them into melodies. "Alright, but I can feel it deep inside myself, so let me lead? I know where this one is going, and it's very specific," I said as I straightened, rolling my shoulders back and resting my palms on my knees.
"Alright. You lead, Little-Bit, and I'll follow. Do you have any specific guitar chords in mind, or do you want me to just feel for it?" he asked with a gleam in his eye. He loved writing songs together more than I would ever understand. It was a passion for him, almost a need.
"Kind of. I want something very drawn out. Slow chords, long pauses, almost like a sad fairytale. I can't explain it, really," I said, tilting my head and closing my eyes as I tried to think of a way to make him understand what I was hearing.
"I know," I said excitedly. "Close your eyes. Okay, picture the ocean shore, and a huge cliff miles and miles above it. Now, imagine the waves crashing against the cliffs edge as you look down. It's dark and moody and you can taste the sorrow in the salty air. The moon is full and it's the only light casting dark shadows over the rapid waves. Now think of what that would sound like on the guitar. A haunting melody that is full of memories and longing; something rhythmic, forlorn. Got it?" I asked. He opened his eyes slowly and nodded, smiling slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Alright, I'll start with the bass drum beat. I picture it on a mixer or something that can make a deep harmony with the guitar. Plus a few piano keys over certain parts, just listen for the crescendo during the bridge," I closed my eyes and leaned forward, taking a breath. "Oh!" I opened my eyes quickly and smiled. "Feel free to echo some of the words for the 'haunting' effect."
I closed my eyes again and focused on the emotions I had felt during the last moments of my changing. I had to get this song out; I've never had one nag at my mind so strongly. I never saw the whole thing in my head before it's made, that was Garrett's job.
I began to tap my hands on my knees. I heard him gasp in front of me and I opened my eyes, but continued with the beat.
"That was your heartbeat, before you woke," he noted.
I simply nodded to the rhythm and let the corner of my lip curl in acknowledgment before dropping my head back down and closing my eyes. I continued with the beat for a few moments, envisioning the piano keys in my mind; the slight accent of high notes playing over the heartbeat in a steady pace.
"It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels? You want to know – know that it doesn't hurt me? You want to hear about the deal I'm making?" I sang quietly, my voice lower than I would usually sing. The new range of my vocal chords was still a surprise to me, but I decided to use it to my advantage. Garrett hummed between each pause in a line. By the end of the third line, he started pulling at chords softly, letting the tune ring out longer than usual. It mimicked the heartbeat rather closely, accentuating with a flourish of extra notes between each beat.
"You… you and me," I sang quietly, almost a whisper. The pain of the raw emotions was still tugging at my heart as the anger overflowed my memories.
"And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places. I'd be running that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building. And if I only could… oh…" My voice rang out clear and powerfully as I let my emotions overtake me. I was so angry, so upset that he could take his love, his family, and my life away with one selfish decision. I wished I could run away from everything as easily, with no pain or regret over my choices.
Garrett played through the chorus and the intro to the next verse exactly as I had imagined it in my mind. He let each powerful note linger before pushing into the next set. I continued with the heartbeat for the verses and only stopped for parts of the chorus. I remembered how much I hated him just before my heart stopped and I couldn't understand how I meant so little to him. He was the best liar I had ever met. Somehow he took my heart with his lies and when the truth finally set him free, it damned me and shattered my spirit, my soul, and my love. I sang the verse with a strength I had never felt in myself before.
"So much hate for the ones we love! Tell me, we both matter, don't we?" I echoed the question in my mind, letting it tear through my voice in a cold, bitter assessment of our past. I could sense Garrett building up to the crescendo by the end of the last line. I stopped my hands from their beat and gripped my knees tightly as I took a deep breath, pushing into the bridge.
"C'mon baby, c'mon, c'mon darling, let me steal this moment from you now. C'mon angel, c'mon, c'mon darling, let's exchange the experience… oh…" As soon as the line ended, I began the heartbeat rhythm again, slapping against my thighs with more force as the loud thuds echoed in my ears.
"And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places," I sang the chorus one more time as Garrett sped up the beat, slapping the acoustic as he strummed the chords with force.
"If I only could be running up that hill…" I repeated the line. I got quieter with each repetition. Finally, my voice cracked at the last word and my hands stilled over the denim of my jeans. I gripped the fabric tightly in my hand, digging my nails in and tearing it easily, creating four slices up each thigh. I took a deep breath and let it out steadily.
"That was different," Garrett said quietly. I looked up at him, confused. I studied his expression for a few moments before his lips turned upward into a grin. He set the guitar down on his jacket beside me and stared at me, grinning. I cracked a smile before I lunged at him, embracing him in a tight hug until he cried for mercy.
"Thank you," I said softly. "It was just as I heard it in my head. You're amazing, Garrett," I said with a smile, letting him go and sitting close next to him.
"Anytime, Little-Bit. Anything for you."
Song question for the chapter!: What is one song you have listened to on repeat for hours, days, maybe even a week at a time? You just couldn't get enough of it, it was THAT awesome. It's your go to song, and you NEVER skip it when it comes on. Multiple songs are always accepted. I can't pick just one either. ;)