You will all be happy to know I forced myself to map out this story till the end.
Probably about 10 chapters
Hold on Fokes. It's gonna be a bump ride!
Here is chapter 40! I still cant believe I made it this far. I only could because of all of you who have stuck it out with me. I owe it to you guys!
The ceiling was white like it always was but today it looked dimmer. Pushing my covers back I sat up. I was more or less healed but I still ached from head to toe. I tried to rub the pain from my eyes but it did absolutely nothing. With a slight knock at the door I let my feet touch the floor. I grunt and Kakashi's head poked through, "I just wanted to let you know we would be leaving in a little bit." I nodded and he took another second to look at me before ducking back out.
I sighed again, pushing myself up careful to avoid the bandages wrapped around my stomach. My eyes glazed over when they landed on the black outfit draped over the chair.
"This is where you die old man!"
I shook my head and trudged into the bathroom. I needed a hot shower. As the water ran fog filled the room and I stripped before stepping inside. The moment the water hit my face my stomach lurched and I felt the tingling sensation that always started at my nose, spreading till the salty liquid brimmed my eyes. It was the only place I let myself cry, I told myself it didn't count if I was in the shower. No one would know.
"Fair well disciple may we meet again in the next world."
Looking at the mirror I almost didn't even recognize myself. Black long sleeve silk blouse over black pants tucked into black boots. My hair still wet, falling into long ebony trails of curly tresses leading everywhere and nowhere. I clipped one side back with my onyx hair pieces. I tied my headband around my waist and left out a long ragged breath. Seconds, dragging on to minutes but it was still going too fast.
With no time to waste I made my way down stairs, lips in permanent frown but I figured today everyone's was going to be. My eyes found Kakashi-sensei, sitting on the couch. When he saw me he got up and placed a firm hand on my shoulder giving in a squeeze.
"Let's go." He said leading me toward the door. I wasn't ready for this but we are never truly ready for these kinds of things.
It was dark outside, the sky cloudy and grey. It was in mourning just like the rest of us. The rumbling settling in my heart. We walked and I glanced over at my sensei before we parted ways. I was supposed to meet up with my team and we were going to walk together. Kakashi said he would meet us there. I dragged my feet, and when I finally looked up I realized I was the last of us. The three dressed in all black, Naruto still had bandages on his face. The others looking just as in pain as I was.
Falling in step with one another we started to walk, not uttering a single word as we made our way through the streets, I was glad to be wearing long pants because the breeze picked up around us. It wasn't long to we joined the village, a mass funeral honoring those who gave their lives when the sand and sound attack.
My team and I fell in line with everyone else; it was hard to tell people apart if you weren't looking at their faces, because all we were was a sea of black. I looked slightly down at the floor, I was next to Sasuke and in the row behind me I saw Lee and a few of my other comrades. I forced myself to look up at the pictures before us, bundles of flowers in front of each.
Chewing the inside of my lip I started to feel the prickling in my nose. I flinched at the drop of cold water hitting my forehead and I looked up. The sky opened up, "It's raining." I mumbled and I knew even the heavens were weeping.
"We are gathered here to remember and honor not only the third Hokage but all those who sacrificed themselves in this battle so that our village would survive." My throat burned and I clenched my fists tightly. Villagers, one by one going up to lay a white flower, honoring the fallen. My ears picked up soft sobs and my eyes glance to the right, Konohamaru, the Hokage's grandson was just a kid. My breathing quickened, I was a ninja. Show no emotion. Show no emotion. Damn it Suiren, show no-.
I glanced down, Sasuke's fingers wrapped about my wrist and by instinct my fist lessened. His hand twisted, his fingers spreading between mine, grasping it firmly. He gave me a small squeeze and returned it.
"Look how much you have grown Suiren."
"You have had so much taken away. The least I could do is give you back some of the life we took."
"The ache of home lives in all of us."
"I have not stopped looking Suiren."
"Remember Suiren your heart is pure. Trust in your instincts because they will never lead you astray."
Every memory of his was filled with warmth, light and love. How could someone so good be gone? All the wonderfulness filled with pain and grief. Stepping in line, I got closer and closer before it was my turn to put my flower down in remembrance. I looked at his photo amongst the others. I remembered ever moment he made me laugh, smile and most of all feel loved.
We all got back in line and this time I fell in line next to Naruto, Sasuke quick to fall between me and Sakura. "Iruka-sensei? Why do they do it? Why do people risk their lives for other people?" I looked over at the blonde, his eyes firm on the Hokage monument above us.
"Well when one passes away it's the end of his past and future, all the dreams he once had, they disappear with him. This is true even if he dies honorably in battle as so many have, as Hayate did. All the ties that bind him to the living are severed. All but one, the most important of all, people. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers, the people who are important to him, and these people the ones left behind are joined together in a great circle by the memories of him. A circle of friendship, trust and sacrifice that grows larger and stronger as time passes. It's hard to explain it but we remain in the circle together we have no choice. It's important to us."
I wasn't sure I understood exactly what he was saying but it somehow made me feel better. "I get it. Sort of but still, im sad he's gone." I gulped giving Naruto's hand a squeeze before letting go.
"Imagine how sad it would be if he died for nothing, but he left us something priceless." I hung onto every word Kakashi-sensei uttered. "Don't worry you'll understand one of these days."
"Hey, give me some credit. That much I get." my lips twitched, wanting to smile at Naruto's words, his sunlight just as warm as the Hokage's. "The rain it stopped." Sakura muttered and we all looked up. The dark clouds schlepped along the sky, a peak of sun light became a small ray and grew as they moved. The rock on my shoulders getting a little bit lighter.
I stayed close to Sasuke as everyone started to move about. His lips parted but they closed again and I moved so my arm brushed against him. I wanted to feel his closer, it was comforting. It wasn't long till the four of us left and Sakura and Naruto part ways from us but not before I was able to give them each a big hug.
I felt a tug on my hand the minute they were out of view and like before his fingers fell intertwined between mine. I looked at his face but he wouldn't look at me. "Let's walk." He said pulling me off into a semi familiar rural path. A lot of the village had been destroyed and I knew the next few weeks would be full of us helping to restore it back to its original glory.
"Im sorry." We stopped abruptly and I turned to face him. "What?" I asked confused as to what the heck he had to be sorry for. "I wasn't there." He said, gaze turned to me. I opened my mouth for a moment but closed it again. My heart swelled. "Sasuke you don't have to be sorry." I said squeezing his hand tight. "As shinobi we have to follow orders, for the bigger picture." I absolutely held no resentment toward him, if anything I was still riddled with guilt because I wasn't there for my team.
"Still." He mumbled, eyes tracing the curves of my face. "No don't do that." I said dropping his hand. I grabbed his face between my palms. "We carried out our duty as ninja. I will never be mad at you for doing the right thing." Kakashi-sensei filled me in on what happened with Gaara and my team. I wasn't happy in the least but they are strong and they pulled through. That was all I could've asked for.
His eyes widened a bit before going back to their almost unreadable look. My palms slipped down finding a comfortable spot on his neck, "If you need to talk about it. Im here." He said softly and I went ridged, his hand grabbing my wrists gently, so I wouldn't pull away. Did he know? I wouldn't be surprised if Kakashi told him what happened like he told me what happened with them.
My heart lurched. He knew I was a failure. "You're not a failure." He said firmly almost reading my mind. "You're not a failure and you're not a monster." I bit my lip to stop is from quivering. I killed those ninja, without a second thought and even now I'd do it again if I had to, didn't that make me a monster.
"Sometimes our duties as ninja are for the bigger picture." He didn't throw my words back at me but reminded me of what I just said a moment ago. I closed my eyes and even though I wasn't in the shower I left a stray tear fall down my cheek. Another and another joined in when Sasuke pulled me close and let me bury my head in his shoulder.
I was drained when I got back home but I felt better after my talk with Sasuke. He walked me back. When I came in I wasn't surprised to see Kakashi-sensei pop out of the kitchen, still in black. "I made ramen, your favorite." I forced a smiled to my lip and joined him in the kitchen.
While he finished up I set the table with big bowls and mugs for tea, green of course. We sat down and even though I didn't feel like eating I knew I needed the strength.
It was silent, but comforting none the less. I slurped up some noddle before looking up, "This is really good." I said and his eye twinkled at me. "Wonderful." He said sitting back, his bowl already empty. I silently waited for him to talk about whatever it was that he wanted to talk about. I guess he was waiting for the right moment.
"Im proud of you." He said clutching the mug between his hands. I stopped mid sip and looked up. "I uh -." I cocked a brow and he chuckled, "I told you to stay and protect the village even though you wanted to help your team. You did what I asked and then some. I am proud of you." My fingers twitched. "You have the blood of a shinobi running through your veins. A proud, powerful and dazzling kunoichi you are." He cooed and I could feel my cheeks warming up in embarrassment. "Thank you sensei."
"I want you to rest because we will be resuming your training as soon as you're healthy." I stopped tapping my foot against the floor. "We?" I asked unsure if I understood what he was saying. "Yea I will be training you for a while. We have a lot of new things to go over." The clouds in my brain started to clear and I didn't even notice when I started to bounce in my seat. "Can we start now? Or wait how about tomorrow?" I was eager but today was still a day of mourning. Kakashi's laughter filled the room.
"Rest first and then train." He said getting up put the dishes in the sink. "So tomorrow?" turning toward me he rolled his eye, "Do you know how close I was to losing my precious student to a level B jutsus she decided she was just going to try with no reason? Give my poor heart a break, huh?" His words were light but I knew that he was right. I needed the break. I nodded but not before he rested his hand on my head, ruffling up my curls. At least the promise of training kept my heart a little light.
After dinner I got ready for bed, stress and grief was tiring. I crawled under my covers and faced the balcony, the moon shining bright overhead. Letting out a heavy sigh I remembered his face and what Iruka had said. Everything he was gone in a moment but us, the people who had memories of him joined in a circle forever. I turned over a few times trying my hardest to get comfortable but comfort was foreign to me right now.
I felt his chakra before he slide open my balcony door, closing it behind him. Sitting up a bit I turned and just looked at him. He was in his Pjs and looked like he might have laid down in bed before making his way over here. No words passed between us for a few moments till I pulled my blanket back so he could get under and he didn't hesitate.
When our heads hit the pillows we turned to one another and before I could feel awkward about the situation his arm draped over me holding me firmly against him. He was comforting, his warmth and smell. His very presence put my mind and heart at ease in a way I didn't really understand but I needed.
I didn't want to shut my eyes, afraid I would see him but I had to and with Sasuke there I knew I didn't have to face it alone. In my memories is where the Hokage continued to live. I knew that no matter what was going to come or what the future held for us I would never forget him or the moment his heart stopped and mine kept beating.
Im sorry this chapter was shorter then what you're used too.
Death and Grief are hard for me to write about
I tried my best to give it justice
Love you all
xoxo