DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N: BlahBlahBlah, and OCDMess – Thank you! You two own me. Seriously. Also, uber thanks to NicoleRosaliee for help with naming the chapter!
Last chapter I asked if you had ever seen a concert where the audience takes over. Besides on youtube, I haven't seen this happen for any big bands. I have seen it happen for a smaller band, however. the START played here in Las Vegas once, and a huge group of the audience jumped up on stage for the last song, Shakedown! and sang it while dancing. The band just rocked out, playing the instruments and dancing with the fans. It was a great night. Hear the song here: http://www (dot ) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=Um_2FSjXEtk
This chapter's music:
Evanescence - My Immortal (Bella's Lullaby)
http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo
**
All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred
Chapter 15
BPOV
Friday July 28th, 2006
I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and for a few moments it felt like I was flying. I ran until the dry sobs became screams, and the screams turned into gasps. My body slammed into a towering brick wall and I stood there as the dust and debris crumbled to the ground. For a split second I pondered if it was anything important, but then I took another gasp of air, my throat on fire, and pulled myself back to my previous train of thought.
Edward was there. He was playing. Those words were his, and he was singing them, proclaiming them, owning them.
I was angry. I was pissed, shocked, and definitely confused, but most of all I was spiteful. How dare he show up in my life now, playing his songs and enjoying his distractions? This was all I had to keep me together, and he was taking it away, too.
It had occurred to me, while running, that Edward was part of the headlining band. That meant that if either of us were to leave the tour, it would be Garrett and I, not them. Not him.
I peered up at the red, earthen matter that was stacked so perfectly, each brick layered carefully over the others. There was no sign or display to tell me what the wall was a part of, but the barrier was thick, and while a decent chunk of the wall had been reduced to a mound of dirt at my feet, the foundation of the building had been undisturbed. I sighed and hung my head, turning from the destruction I had caused, and walked away. I wandered for what felt like hours, but when I peered up into the sky, the moon was still in the same position and the clouds were lazily passing by.
I walked around in random directions, not paying attention to where my feet were taking me, and hardly caring. Eventually, when I looked back up towards the moon, my gauge for what hour it was, I was startled to see a building towering above me in my path. A large lion crest etched into wood swung back and forth, creaking in the subtle wind. I had walked back to the hotel. I sighed and pushed the front door open, keeping my eyes on the floor.
"Bella! Thank God, I was getting ready to go out and look for you; I wasn't sure you would return here," Garrett said quickly in a hushed voice.
I looked up slightly to meet his gaze and shrugged. I didn't feel like talking. I reached out for his presence and covered him with my shield. It was a habit, but I also liked the feeling of being connected to something – anything. He smiled and held his arms out to me. I slowly walked towards him, my head still down, until I was pressed against his chest, my arms wrapped around my torso tightly. He squeezed me into his body, running a hand through my hair as he breathed in and out slowly. I could tell he was trying to calm me, not berate me with questions, just letting me be. I appreciated the sentiment.
"Are they… here?" I asked quietly.
I felt him nod above me, holding me tighter into his chest. I took in his scent, the familiar comfort of clove and cedar flowing through my memories. I nodded back and swallowed the venom that had pooled in my mouth from the scent of the humans in the building.
"Can they… hear us?" I asked quieter than before.
He shook his head, slowly pulling away from me. "Hey," he said, placing his finger under my chin. I slowly looked up, my eyes searching his for any answers they might hold. "We can leave right now and never come back. All you have to do is say it. We can go anywhere, do anything, start over; it doesn't matter. Just say the word, Little-Bit, and we're gone."
"I don't want to start over. I had to start over before, back in Forks when I left Phoenix and my mother behind. Then I had to start over when he left, learning how to breathe through the pain of my missing heart. Then I had to start over, again, because of him, because of Victoria. I'm not starting over again. He's not taking my life from me again. He's good at running; let him tuck-tail and run. We're not going anywhere." My voice was defiant, strong, but agonized. I shuddered in his arms and tucked my face into his chest, hiding my eyes from his knowing gaze.
"Shh. Okay, Little-Bit. We'll stay," he said quietly, running his fingers through my hair. We stood there silently for a few moments, just breathing in slow, deep breaths. "You know he wants to talk to you, right?" Garrett said, his voice hushed and gentle.
I nodded into his chest, took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.
"You know I won't let him near you if you don't want to talk to him," he whispered into my hair.
I nodded once more.
"Bella," he said softly as he pulled away from me slightly. "I need to know what you want, what you're feeling, what I can do. I can't sense your core, even though I'm sure you're going through a ton of emotions, and it has me really worried," he said, looking down at me as he stroked my back.
I toyed with my lip ring, thinking over my own emotions and trying to evaluate them. I felt so lost and confused. I could sense my shield was strong around my mind, but it confused me. Usually when my emotions were out of control, my shield grew weaker. Unless I've retreated into my mind, again, I thought.
I looked up at Garrett and released the titanium ring from between my lips. "I'm confused," I whispered. "I don't know what I want. I'm so angry that I'm numb, and I'm so lost that I can't decide what to do. It's like I can't find my own emotions, they're completely disconnected from my mind right now, and I don't understand why."
"Perhaps it's your mind's way of protecting you. When you changed, you said you retreated to your mind and you couldn't feel things as strongly. Perhaps this is another part of your talent," he suggested.
I nodded and sighed. I glanced at the long, wide staircase, then at the elevator to our left. My eyes wandered around the room nervously, taking in the details of the lobby. Through a glass door to our right, there was a dark room with a piano. I stared into the room for a long time before looking back up at Garrett.
"I want to play," I said quietly, looking into his eyes, then looking back at the piano.
He followed my gaze and nodded. He took my hand and walked over to the dark room, opening the door for me and following me inside. I took a seat at the piano bench and stared down at the ivory keys. They reminded me of a different place where I was filled with different emotions in a different lifetime. I sat quietly, staring down at the instrument and not moving.
"I think you should hear him out, Little-Bit," Garrett said from the shadows in the corner of the room. I turned and looked at him, his body standing rigid as he stared out of a narrow window. "I think that you still love him, and I want to believe that he still loves you too. His lyrics tonight expressed a pain that mirrored your own in a lot of ways." He turned and looked at me, his face long and somber. "I also don't think anyone would ever be able to stop loving you," he said gently as one corner of his mouth lifted slightly.
I looked back down at the instrument in front of me and sighed. "He told me he didn't want me, Garrett. He said he had let us go on too long. If he loved me, he wouldn't have walked away. He wouldn't have left me to die in that forest. That's what nearly happened to me, Garrett. He left me alone in the woods, unprotected. I got lost chasing after him, which I know he had to have heard, and he still left me there. I curled up into a ball and just waited to die. My heart left with him, and I didn't want to breathe without him," I whispered, choking on my own words. "I still don't want to breathe without him…" I said in a hushed voice. I doubted Garrett even heard it.
Garrett strode towards me, leaving the window behind, and placed his hand on my shoulder. "He would have fought me to get to you Bella. I tried to change his mind, but he was more stubborn than you are. I could feel huge waves of calm radiating from Jasper, and Edward was still furious, unaffected by his brother's attempts to calm him. He looked defeated and devastated when you ran. He looked…" Garrett trailed off, shaking his head. He took a deep breath and sighed. "He looked like a burning-man, Bella. Like he was watching as his life and purpose was taken away from him."
I closed my eyes, picturing Edward's expression when he found me on the floor of the ballet studio. He looked like he was being tortured, in pure agony. I shook my head and took a shallow breath. "I loved him Garrett, with everything I was, I loved him, and he took my heart with him. How do I forgive that? How do I forgive what he has put me through, what he has put my family through? My parents lost their only daughter and they will never know why. I don't know if I can forgive him."
"I'm not asking you to forgive him, Little-Bit. I'm just asking for you to hear him out. Let him say what he has to say, and then ask for time. If he loves you, he will wait, for however long you need. You have an eternity to make a decision, Bella. Don't rush your forgiveness or acceptance. Don't let him push you for an answer." He knelt down beside me, pulled my chin towards him, and waited for me to open my eyes.
I looked at him for a long time and lost myself in his golden irises. Their color may have been the same as Edward's, but the shape and emotion behind them was different. I traced a finger along Garrett's cheekbone and smiled faintly at him. He smiled back, the corners of his eyes wrinkling with genuine affection.
"Alright. I'll talk to him. Will you stay nearby?"
He smiled wider and nodded. "As you wish," he said softly as his lips pressed against my forehead. He stood and looked down at me. "Shall I inform him of where you are?" he asked.
I shook my head and looked back at the ivory keys. "No, let him find me on his own."
Garrett nodded and walked out of the dark room. I listened for his footsteps as he walked outside and sat on the sidewalk at the end of the building. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting my fingers hovering above the keys. I focused on my shield, making it as strong as possible and extending my protection to Garrett. I could feel his mind vibrating gently within mine, and I knew the connection was strong. I could sense the familiarity of a mind when I brought it into my safety and could even discern which mind was which if there were multiple people being guarded.
My fingers pressed down and the familiar notes flooded the room. I closed my eyes and let my hands find the notes from memory. The sound of my lullaby being played on the piano brought me back to a time in my life when my memories were pleasant, and my life was filled with joy. I played the song, note for note, as it had once been written for me. It felt like forever ago that I had watched a boy whom would later become the most important thing in my life effortlessly play these notes for me.
I looped the song back around to the beginning, playing slightly louder this time. I could feel a presence in the room, but I didn't turn to see who it was. I continued playing the opening notes with a somber expression. I heard footsteps behind me, getting closer until they stopped just short of the bench I was seated on. I kept my eyes closed as I took a deep breath.
"I'm so tired of being here… suppressed by all my… childish fears," I sang the lyrics I had once written to my lullaby in a hushed voice. "And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here… and it won't leave me alone," I cried out quietly, squeezing my eyes shut tighter.
"These wounds won't seem to heal…" the velvet voice from behind me sang. I gasped quietly but continued playing. "This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase," Edward sang very softly, his pain evident in his voice. He swallowed and took a shaky breath.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years… but you still have…" he sang louder than before, his voice still smooth and haunting. He took a shallow breath before finishing the line. "All of me…" he whisper.
I took a deep breath, as my hands shook over the keys. Had he written these words before, or after he left? I shook away the thoughts and focused on the few lines that I had written one night when the pain of losing him had been unbearable. "You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts… my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me," I sang softly.
I held onto the face etched into my memory even though all I had to do was turn around to see it once again. I recalled his words and began singing them before he had the chance to. "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase."
I heard his light footsteps as he took the last two steps to the bench. I felt him slide onto the seat beside me, mere inches away from my elbow. He whimpered softly and I could feel his eyes on me. I kept my eyes shut and pressed down onto the keys harder, waiting to hear his voice again.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years… but you still have… all of me."
I pushed down on the ivory harder as the lullaby reached its crescendo. I squeezed my eyes shut and trembled as I took a shaky breath. "I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone." I gasped and choked back a sob. I felt my shield slip, and stiffened, focusing on my strength to not let it drop. "But though you're still with me…" I turned and opened my eyes, staring into his pitch-black orbs. "I've been alone all along!" I cried out, shuddering.
His eyes looked so hollow and empty. His brows were furrowed and he was staring back at me with an odd expression. I wanted to reach out and touch his perfect lips. I wanted to run my hand through his bronze hair. I wanted to lean in and burry my face in the crook of his neck and breathe him in. He looked just as perfect as I always remembered, but even more amazing with my improved eyesight. I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from him, leaning into the piano as I finished the song.
My resolve faded as I leaned forward, throwing my head into my hands and sobbing tearlessly. My body shook and I took shallow, gasping breaths.
"Bella…" Edward's velvet voice sounded broken, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him again. I could feel the electricity charging the air and passing between us. "Bella, please…" he begged softly.
"Please, what, Edward?" I whispered into my palms.
"Please, just… look at me… say something," he pleaded.
"What is there for me to say?" I took a deep breath and turned to look at him slowly. Our gaze connected and a shiver ran through my body. I looked back down at my hands, and waited.
"I don't know… tell me what to do, what happened, how to fix this, anything. Just please, speak to me." He sounded like all of the joy and hope had left the world, and he was pleading for someone to tell him it that the last eight months had been a dream, that none of it was real.
"How to fix this? Fix what, Edward?" I asked, confused. I peered back up at him, furrowing my brows.
"How to fix us, fix my mistakes." He paused, running his hand through his hair roughly.
Old habits never die.
"I thought you were dead, Bella. I went to Charlie's house the night that you died, and he told me you had been in an accident. He said that it was my fault. It is my fault. I never should have left; I never should have lied to you. My lies were… my lies were the cruelest form of blasphemy… and I killed you," he whispered so softly I had to strain to hear him.
"You went to my house? You came back?" I asked, sitting up straight and looked at him. I watched him swallow and take a deep breath, nodding.
"I was too late, though. I went to your funeral, Bella. How did you survive?" He looked deeply into my eyes, searching for some hidden answer, some secret piece to a puzzle.
"Jacob saved me. Victoria came and—"
"Victoria?" His eyes were wide with shock.
"Yes. Victoria. She came back for me one night when I was… well… she came to my house. She had a newborn with her, and she bit me. She ran off when she smelled Jacob coming, I guess, but the newborn stayed to finish me. Jacob tore him apart, but I had already been bitten. Jacob couldn't do anything. He sat with me until the rest of the pack showed up—"
"Pack? You mean the Quileute's? They stopped Victoria?" he interrupted.
"Yes. Now may I finish, or do you want to play twenty questions until you are caught up?" I snapped. I had dealt with so many emotions in one night I felt completely drained. I didn't have much patience left.
Edward flinched but nodded. "I apologize, I won't interrupt."
"Thank you. When the rest of the pack showed up, they didn't know what to do with me. That's when Garrett rescued me," I said softly. I turned my head to look out the window, a faint smile spreading across my lips. I felt for his connection to my mind and smiled when I sensed it.
"Perhaps the rest of my family should be present for this conversation. I'm sure they would all like to know what happened to you, and I doubt you want to repeat it to each of us," Edward said carefully as he looked down at his hands.
Why did he look so upset?
"They're here? All of them?" I asked quickly, surprised.
He nodded once, but didn't look up at me. "Yes. Alice called Carlisle and Esme. The got here twenty minutes ago. Everyone is anxiously waiting to see you upstairs."
I studied him, trying to decipher what he was thinking and feeling, but I couldn't make sense of his body language. "Alright, but on one condition," I replied.
Edward looked up from his hands, locking eyes with me, and waited.
"Garrett comes with me, and I have your word that he won't be harmed – by any of you," I said calmly.
Edward swallowed and closed his eyes, nodding. "You have my word. We just want to talk to you, Bella. We've… missed you."
I stood from the bench and cleared my throat. "Garrett? Will you come upstairs with me?" I asked clearly.
The front door to the lobby opened and Garrett paused in the fourier, smiling softly. "Of course, Little-Bit."
I looked back down at Edward. His eyes were still closed and he let out a heavy sigh. He stood slowly and opened his eyes. He turned, walked out of the piano room and headed slowly, at a human's speed, up the stairs. I followed a few paces behind him, and Garrett walked beside me.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves, and was filled with Edward's scent: honeysuckle and fresh rain. I stopped in my tracks as a shiver ran down my spine. Garrett wrapped his arm around my waist, gently tugging me forward. I buried my nose against the crook of Garrett's shoulder, breathing in his clove and cedar. I relaxed against him and continued climbing the stairs.
Edward stopped in front of a door at the very end of the hallway and turned to look at me. His expression was pained and he closed his eyes, looking away. Garrett released me, but didn't put any more distance between us. Edward opened the door and walked in. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped inside. I counted six steps before multiple gasps made me freeze and open my eyes.
"Bella…" Esme said softly, "you're alive!"
I nodded once and swallowed the venom in my throat. I should be ecstatic to see the people I once thought of as my extended family, but I could only feel sadness. I looked quickly at Jasper in the corner of the room, and studied his expression. Could he read my emotions?
"I forgive you, Jasper. You can sense my sincerity, can't you?" I asked him, taking a step towards him.
Jasper tilted his head as his eyebrows furrowed. He seemed to be concentrating very hard. "Faintly, but yes," he said quietly.
I smiled at him and nodded. "I never blamed you. You were always forgiven. I wish I'd had a chance to tell you that before you all left… I wish I had a chance to tell you all a lot of things before you left…"
"Thank you, Bella," Jasper said, the corner of his lips twitching into a faint smile. I felt a wave of gratitude wash over my body.
So he was calming me, during the set. That makes sense now.
"You don't have to keep your distance, you know. It's not like I'll ever get a paper cut again," I said calmly as I took a step towards him.
His eyes flickered toward Edward, then toward Garrett, and he hesitated.
"You don't need permission from either of them, either," I said with a smile.
Jasper bowed his head and crossed the room. I threw myself into his arms when he was only two steps away. I held him tightly around his neck and took a deep breath. Cinnamon and leather.
"I missed you, you know," I whispered into his ear so that no one else could hear.
He pulled away and looked into my eyes. He seemed sad and confused, but I couldn't be certain. I felt a wave of love and admiration flow through me and I smiled at him brightly. I took a few steps back as he returned to Alice's side. I looked around at the rest of the Cullen family, taking in their expressions.
I glanced at Garrett and saw him studying them closely as well. I felt for his mind, making sure we were still connected and Edward couldn't read his thoughts.
"I guess we all have a lot of questions for one another. Who should go first?" I asked, looking at Carlisle.
"How about you tell us what happened after we left," Carlisle said calmly.
I nodded and looked around the room. "Shall we all sit? This may take a while."
"Wait," Alice said from the corner of the room. She ran towards me and threw her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and smiled into her hair.
Mint and sugar cane.
We were roughly the same weight now, but she was still shorter. She held onto my waist for close to a minute before letting go and taking a step back. "I'm sorry, I just… I can't see how this discussion is going to go, and I wanted to make sure I got a chance to tell you that I love you, like a sister, and thought about you every day," Alice said quickly as she stared at me, her body shaking.
I pulled her back in for a hug, and whispered into her ear, "I thought about you too."
"Hey! If Alice and Jasper get hugs, I want mine!" Emmett said.
I rolled my eyes and smiled faintly. "Fine," I said through a sigh. As upset and angry as I was at all of them for leaving me without a goodbye, I was too emotionally drained to put up any barriers just yet. I wanted to get through the conversation, answer their questions, ask some of my own, and call it a night so that I could think about everything. We hadn't even begun to discuss anything and already I wanted it all to end.
Emmett picked me up into a bear hug, squeezing me tightly and twirling once before letting me down. He smelled like frankincense and pine trees.
Esme was next. She held onto me tightly and whispered into my ear, "I'm so happy you're here."
Carlisle placed his hand on Esme's shoulder, waiting for her to release me. He smiled at me warmly and hugged me tightly around my shoulders, covering me with his scent of vanilla and chestnuts. Carlisle released me and took a step back. His eyes flickered up to where Edward was standing behind me and his expression fell.
I looked back at Edward, confused. He looked broken, and lost. He turned away, and stared at something in the left corner of the room. I looked back in the direction he was staring and saw Rosalie. I could tell they were having a silent conversation, and Rosalie looked upset.
"Stop it, Rose," Edward said from behind me.
"If you don't like it, then don't listen," Rosalie snapped back, quirking her eyebrow.
I sighed and shook my head. I knew Rosalie didn't like me, but I didn't feel like dealing with childish arguments tonight because of it. I reached out for Rosalie's mind, and focused on protecting her. When I felt the connection was strong, I looked back at Edward. He was staring at me, shocked.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"Do what?" Emmett asked.
"She blocked Rosalie's thoughts. She was mid-thought and she just went silent," Edward said quickly.
Rosalie gasped and eyed me curiously.
"I'm sure we'll get to my talents eventually, but I don't feel like travelling down memory lane with you two bickering," I said to Edward bitterly.
"Let's all take a seat and try to calm down. I apologize for their behavior, Bella," Carlisle said.
"It's not your place to apologize for them. We aren't playing the high school charade, and they're both adults, not children," I explained.
"Fair enough," Carlisle said. The corner of his lips twitched as he appeared to suppress a smirk.
I glanced around the room as everyone took various seats, Jasper on one of the two beds, Alice between his legs, and Carlisle and Esme on the edge of the second bed. Carlisle placed his hand on Esme's lap and she intertwined her fingers over the top of his. I smiled sadly at the gesture.
Rosalie took a seat on the sofa by the television a few feet away and looked irritated. Emmett crawled onto the sofa and laid on his side, propping his head up with his hand, and grinned widely at me. Garrett took a seat at the small table beside me and smiled. I climbed on top of the small table and crossed my legs, sitting in the center of it.
Emmett let out a short laugh and smiled at me, his eyes glistening with happiness. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Edward.
"Are you going to have a seat, Edward?" I asked politely.
Edward looked down at the ground. "I'll stand, thank you."
"Alright then," I said awkwardly. I cleared my throat again and took a deep breath. I pulled on my lip ring and tried to figure out what to say. "Where shall I start?" I asked.
"How about when you got that lip ring," Emmett suggested.
I chuckled and nodded. "Alright then. Jessica Stanley's birthday was during our winter break. Charlie had been on me about getting out of the house and socializing, so I agreed to go with 'the girls' to Port Angeles. Lauren had the bright idea of getting piercings to celebrate all of us being eighteen." I shrugged and bit my lip, avoiding the ring. "Charlie wasn't too pleased when I came home with it, but I was eighteen, and he couldn't do much about it. I think he was just happy I was out with people again, and he let the subject go."
I shivered, remembering that night. We had been really candid and open with each other, and one week later, I was attacked by Victoria.
"Well, I like it," Emmett said with a smirk, "it fits you."
"How did you two meet," Carlisle asked, looking at Garrett and then me.
"I have a knack for attracting any vampires in the same state as me, it would appear. During one of my 'socialization outings' with Jessica and Angela, I ran into Garrett. He was playing an acoustic guitar in the corner of a music store, and I was drawn to him for some reason." I smiled and looked over at Garrett, remembering the emotions of that first day. I had been terrified.
"Bella?" Jasper said, concerned.
"Sorry, Jasper. I was just remembering that day," I said slowly, looking down at my hands.
"Terrified? Why were you terrified, Bella?" Edward asked, but I couldn't understand the tone in his voice. Jasper was probably going over my different emotions as I felt them, and Edward caught terrified.
"His eyes were orange," I said plainly. Everyone looked at Garrett carefully and then back at me. "I spent twenty minutes singing with some stranger when I finally found the strength to look into his eyes, and they were orange. I didn't know him, or what his diet was. I panicked, thinking that maybe he was a newborn or drank human blood, and ran," I explained, embarrassed.
"For once, you had a rational reaction to our kind," Edward mumbled.
Garrett reached over and gripped my hand, squeezing it tightly and then letting go. I smiled at him faintly and looked back up. "Anyway, later that night, I was pretty shaken up. I had just run into another vampire and I thought I was losing my mind or something. A small, irrational part of my mind tried telling me that none of you were real. When I saw Garrett, I realized that it was all real, and I lost it. I missed you all so much; I went back to your old house and fell asleep on the floor." I didn't specify whose floor, however.
"You went back to our house?" Esme asked sadly.
I nodded, and fidgeted with my fingers in my lap. I looked around at the rest of them and realized how still they were. My mannerisms were still very human. I wonder how long it will take before that fades?
"Anyway… Garrett followed me back to Forks that night after the sun went down. When I woke up in – when I woke up, he was there. He realized I had known what he was at the music store, and was intrigued."
"More like spellbound," Garrett said.
I smiled warmly at him. "Fine, spellbound. We really connected though. I felt like I could trust him for some reason. Over the next few months we grew close, and he taught me to play piano and guitar. I found that writing… among other things… helped to ease the pain." I shivered at the memory, a pain in my chest flaring. I whimpered softly and tried to push the pain I had felt for so long back down.
"Bella! Jesus…" Jasper said from the bed. He was taking shallow breaths and gripping the bed tightly.
I shot him an apologetic look before I closed my eyes and focused on strengthening my shield. I took deep, slow breaths and counted to thirty. When I opened my eyes, everyone was watching me, concerned.
"I'm sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to slip. I'm still learning to control my shield." I explained quietly. I felt guilty for putting him through my emotions, and became determined to hold myself together tonight. Jasper doesn't deserve my pain.
"It's okay, Bella, you just… caught me off guard, that's all," Jasper said with a faint smile. "Please, don't feel guilty, I can handle it."
I swallowed and nodded.
"How did you get those scars, Bella?" Alice asked.
I shut my eyes quickly and turned my head away. I began to tremble, and jumped when I felt someone take my hand. I flinched back and whimpered as I opened my eyes.
"It's okay, Little-Bit," Garrett said softly. His hand squeezed mine again before letting go.
I looked over at Edward. His jaw was tight and his eyes were fixated on my upper arms. I was thankful I couldn't sense emotions, because I was afraid of what Edward was feeling.
"I…" I sighed and looked away from Edward, and instead stared at Jasper. I silently pleaded for strength, wishing I could be strong enough to admit my weaknesses to the people I had once considered my family. As if reading my mind, Jasper sent me a wave of strength and love. I smiled at him faintly and he nodded.
"I made them," I admitted.
There were several gasps around the room, followed by a single, low growl. I flinched and locked eyes with Edward, watching what looked like anger, hatred, and disgust build.
"You what?!" Edward shrieked.
"I made them," I repeated louder than before, staring at him, daring him to lash out at me.
"You promised, Bella! You promised you wouldn't do anything stupid, or reckless! I think that constitutes as both, don't you think?" he spat.
"And you swore you would never leave me, Edward! Remember that? You swore to me that you would never leave me again, that you would always be there. So who broke their promise first?" I snapped.
Edward flinched at my words but didn't back down. "That's different. I left for you! I didn't want to leave, but I had to – to keep you safe!" he argued.
"To keep me safe? From what? True love? Your over-protective, over-bearing self? What a load of bullshit Edward! You told me I wasn't good for you. You told me you had let this little game of pitiful human infatuation go on for too long. You told me you didn't want me anymore. So please, explain to me – at what point in the forest did you tell me you were leaving for me, because I sure as hell don't remember that little part of your break up speech." I glared at him, taking rapid breaths.
Esme gasped. "You told her you didn't love her, Edward? You left her alone in the forest?" Esme asked, staring at her first son, shocked.
"Oh, what, you didn't tell them? So you lied to them too, Edward? Well, who in this damn room haven't you lied to?" I asked bitterly.
"No, Bella. He didn't tell us what happened that day, and we never asked," Carlisle said calmly.
"Well screw you then, Carlisle. Screw all of you. You all left me that day. Every single one of you. I died that day, and none of you said goodbye. None of you stayed to protect me from Victoria, so why should you care now?" I got off of the table and walked toward Edward. I stopped three feet in front of him and balled my fists as I looked up into his eyes. "I called for you, ran after you, begging and pleading for you to come back. I screamed for forgiveness for whatever I had done to make you leave. I cried for you to not leave me. I got lost in the forest, and after falling down so many times that my hands were bleeding, I just curled up and laid there. I waited for the darkness to come and take me because I didn't want to live anymore. You took my heart with you that day, Edward, and I've been dead inside ever since."
I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. I focused on my shield and held it strong around me before looking back up at him.
"So why did I hurt myself? Because I was already so hollow and dead on the inside, it didn't seem like it would make a difference. I was numb, and a simple cut was nothing compared to the hurt you caused me. It was the spilling of my blood that drove you all away, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done wrong." I trembled, closing my eyes for a moment and taking a breath. I opened them and looked up at Edward. He looked so angry and I couldn't begin to understand why.
"I didn't just pick up a razor and start carving the day you left, so don't look at me like that," I snapped, glaring at him. "I tripped and fell at work and cut my hand open. I found that when I was focused on the physical pain, it dulled the emotional pain, making it manageable. I could breathe again, and the hole in my chest where my heart belonged didn't hurt so badly. I began cutting as a way to ease that pain, and desensitize myself to the smell of my blood. I couldn't understand why my blood was so different to you, and I hated it. I hated my own blood, Edward, because it drove you away. I sound like such a foolish little girl saying this now, but it's how I felt at the time. I loathed myself for driving you and your family away."
I turned away from him, closing my eyes. Garrett wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against his chest. I took in his scent and sobbed.
I still hate myself.
"Bella," Esme said softly.
Garrett released me and lifted my chin to look at him. He gave me a soft smile and nodded.
Esme took my hand and turned me to face her. She was standing in front of me, only a few inches taller, and looking at me sadly. "Bella, I'm so sorry. We never asked because Edward had convinced us all that leaving you was best. He forbade us from saying goodbye, and said that this was the only way to give you a happy, long life. I can see that we were all wrong. We should have fought for you, and I'm sorry. I should have fought for my daughter, I'm such a terrible person and I'm so sorry, Bella." She gripped my hands, squeezing them in her own before letting them go.
"I would like to apologize as well," Carlisle said from behind Esme. I looked into his gentle eyes and swallowed. "We never should have left Forks. Family doesn't abandon each other, even if they do believe they are doing the right thing. We hurt you, and I can see that, and I am so sorry. If I had known that Edward would not be truthful with you about our reason for leaving, I would have insisted on explaining it to you myself. But that is beside the point. We never should have left you to begin with. I don't think any of us have the right to ask for your forgiveness, but I do hope that you will believe me when I tell you that we all care very deeply for you."
Carlisle stepped closer and reached out for my right hand. He took it between both of his and held it firmly. "When we heard that you had died we… we all didn't want to believe it. I went to the reservation and asked them what happened. Their story matched the report perfectly, and we couldn't find any reason to not believe them. Edward was so distraught he didn't talk to any of us for quite some time. We watched your funeral from the cliffs because we were forbidden on the reservation's land. We thought you'd died, Bella. I thought I had lost a member of this family, a daughter. We never should have left you, and I'm so sorry." His voice was heavy with sorrow and regret, and I immediately felt bad for swearing at him, but they had all hurt me.
"All of our songs are about you, you know," Alice said from the bed.
I looked at her, surprised. "What?"
Carlisle stepped back and took Esme's hand in his, returning to their spot on the edge of the bed.
Alice hopped off of the bed and grabbed a bag by the mirror on the vanity. She pulled a CD out and handed it to me. "All of them. Some are about Edward's regrets, or pain over losing you, while others are about missing you. We wrote some the day we went to your funeral, but all of them are about you. Dear Friend is one I wrote when I was particularly upset with Edward for making us leave. I looked for you when he wasn't around. Every couple of days he would take off; his depression was really hard on Jazz. When he would leave, I would search for your future, but I didn't ever see much. I caught glimpses of you in Port Angeles with Angela and Jessica. I saw you a lot at school, or at home fixing dinner. I even saw you sitting on your window, writing poetry, but I never saw you hurt yourself. I never saw you with Garrett either. Sometimes, I couldn't find you; everything would be pitch-black. Then, the day you died, I saw you bleeding on the floor and screaming his name and…" Alice trailed off, not able to finish her sentence.
"I wonder why you couldn't see me some days?" I asked quietly.
"I have a suspicion as to why," Garrett said from beside me. Everyone looked at him curiously. "I would often stay close to your house. I came across the pack's scent on more than one occasion. My talent affects them in an odd way, so maybe they're immune to yours?" he said, looking at Alice.
"Hm, that's a possibility," Carlisle said.
"So, they're like a blocker of some sort, you mean?" Emmett asked.
"Something like that," Garrett said.
Everyone was silent for a moment. After the silence grew uncomfortable, Jasper cleared his throat. "Would you mind telling us about the day you died, Bella? About your transformation? I'm sure we all have a lot of questions."
"It was the first Saturday after winter break ended. I'd had a pretty bad week at school, and my nightmares weren't helping me get much rest. I usually visited Garrett on the weekends, but not if I had recently harmed myself. I didn't want to tempt him with a fresh wound," I said quietly, slightly ashamed. I shivered and held my breath, pausing for a moment.
"Please, continue," Jasper said softly.
I swallowed and nodded. "It was a really bad day. The pain was nearly unbearable and I just couldn't take it anymore. I put on a CD, and put the song on repeat. I sat at my window, thinking about… all of you… and I just gave up. I couldn't live with myself anymore. I hated myself."
"You were going to kill yourself?" Jasper asked slowly.
I shrugged. I couldn't look at any of them in the eye. "After the third or fourth mark, there was a knock at the front door. I jumped, startled. I didn't know what to do. By the time I made it to my bedroom door, Victoria was already standing in the hallway with a blond vampire beside her. I knew I couldn't plead with her; she wanted to kill me, and there would be no stopping her. I thought that maybe if she thought Edward was nearby, she would flee, but she didn't. She lunged, and…" I squeezed my eyes shut. I had thought I was going to die, and all I'd wanted was to tell Edward I loved him.
"Jacob scared her off and she escaped, but he killed the boy. Garrett arrived with the rest of the pack, but they were too late; the venom had spread too far. They faked my death, causing the accident with my truck, and Garrett took me back to your old house. He kept me there until it was late enough for him to sneak back into my room and retrieve my notebooks and some clothes while Charlie was asleep. After that, he drove us to Alaska and waited for me to wake up," I explained.
Carlisle and Edward exchanged a glance. "Wait, when did you get the notebooks and leave?" Edward asked, pushing away from the wall.
"I went to Charlie's to collect the notebooks at four in the morning, and we left immediately after," Garrett answered.
"Dammit," Edward cursed loudly.
I looked at him, surprised at his language. "What?" I asked.
"I got to Charlie's around two in the morning. I stayed there until just before four, going through your room, looking for any indications as to what happened. I… found my note to you on the floor," he said quietly. He looked at the ground and sighed.
He saw the note? What else did he see? I grew slightly panicked as my mind raced over the different poems in my notebooks. Jasper eyed me curiously, but didn't interrupt Edward.
"I went to our meadow, and slowly made my way back to our house later the next day, just before the rest of my family arrived in Forks. I smelled a vampire's scent at our house, and couldn't piece it together. Then later, when we returned to your house before the funeral, we smelled the same scent. We just barely missed each other. If I had gone to the house instead of the meadow I… I would have found you." He tugged at his hair and growled. "Dammit! Was that you watching me in the shadows when I got to Charlie's porch?" He glared at Garrett, his nostrils flaring.
"No, I stayed with Bella. I only left her side when I went to retrieve her belongings. That was probably Sam, or Jacob. I warned them that you or Victoria might return," Garrett explained.
"And that was your scent at Sangue Cantante back in May, and here in the hotel before the show. How could I not tell it was the same? Dammit!" Edward cursed again, tugging at his hair.
"Wait," I said slowly. Several thoughts began to sort in my mind as pieces began to fit together. "You knew, didn't you, Garrett?" I asked. When he didn't answer right away, I turned to look at him. He was staring at me somberly. "Garrett?" I asked slowly, straining to control my temper.
"Not entirely, no. When I found you in the Cullens' house, I became familiar with the smells quickly. When I went back into your room the night you were attacked, his scent was very strong. I knew he had to have been there. I didn't know which one of the Cullens it was, but I had a hunch. I decided that if he didn't track us, it wouldn't matter. You had enough pain to look forward to for the next few days, and I had to think about getting you out of Washington, so I just left and put it out of my mind.
"I smelled it again this afternoon in the hotel when we were leaving for the venue. It was mixed with other scents, so I couldn't be certain, but I kept my guard up. I only knew for certain when I left to clear the stage." Garrett turned to look at Edward. "You introduced yourself by your initials, and your scents were all similar to those in the house. I put two and two together, and when I left the stage, I decided it couldn't be a coincidence. I spent the entire time you were performing to think of how to bring it up to Bella and what to do. I didn't get the chance to mention it before you said her name. By then, it was too late."
I stared at him, shocked. He'd known and hadn't me. He'd had a hunch clear back in Forks that Edward had come back, and didn't say anything. I looked at Jasper, completely uncertain of what I was feeling and hoping he could help me out. I wasn't sure if I was angry, or relieved, or sad, or what else was going through my mind.
"I'm… not sure, Bella. You're going through so many, I can't keep up, honestly. I've never experienced anything like this before," Jasper said quietly, shaking his head.
I stood there, completely silent while I focused on my emotions, slowing down my thoughts, and ensuring Garrett was still present in the back of my mind. After a few moments, I began to calm down. "Why didn't you just say something when you came back into the room, Garrett?"
"I didn't know how you would take it. I knew your feelings on… things… and I didn't want to upset you so suddenly. We were just listening to the music, and when I finally thought of how to bring it up, Alice said her speech before her song, and it got your interest. From that point on, you were completely enraptured in the music and I panicked. I'm sorry, Little-Bit, I should have told you as soon as I suspected something." Garrett swallowed and looked down. He looked ashamed or upset.
I crossed back to Garrett and wrapped an arm around his waist. I hugged him to me tightly, breathing his scent. "It's alright. Thank you for taking care of me for so long. I know I haven't been that easy to deal with. Your patience is a virtue."
Garrett sat back down in his seat and smiled at me. I swung my leg onto his lap and sat on the edge of his knees, wrapping an arm around his neck. He hugged me firmly again and nodded. "Thank you for not being too upset with me," he whispered. "I know you're having a hard time right now, I can feel your shield flickering occasionally."
I smiled at Garrett and stood back up. The entire room was still staring at me except for Jasper, who was smiling down at his hands wrapped around Alice's.
"So, you came back to Forks?" I asked Edward after a long silence. "How did you get there so quickly? And why was your family so much further behind?"
Edward looked at Alice, and then back at me.
"Because of my vision. I saw everything go red and foggy. I had a vision when Edward, Jasper and I were packing the Jeep after our first show at Sangue Cantante. Edward ran back to Forks," Alice said quietly. Her voice was gentle, and didn't hold the same bell-like it normal did.
"You ran back to Forks?" I asked, staring at Edward, shocked.
Edward nodded, and closed his eyes. "I was too late," he mumbled, "I'm always too late."
A/N: While this is the full chapter, the conversation continues in chapter 16, from EPOV. Don't worry. They aren't done 'discussing'. *cougharguingcough*
All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred
Ask me stuff! Any kind of stuff!: http://www (dot) formspring (dot) me/Ailisraevyn
Or just 'stalk' me on twitter. Ailisraevyn
Noticing a trend?
**
Song question for the chapter: What song do you listen to when you're angry? When you just want to vent, or scream, or throw things, or remind you of someone who pisses you the HELL off?