DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended

As always: Thanks to my amazing four.

Last chapter I asked what song reminded you of a season. My answer: Linkin Park - My December because of the emotions and melody, as well as the title. Also, The White Stripes - In the Cold, Cold Night, which is actually in this chapter! -gasp!-

All of the chapter specific music can be found: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred

Carter Burwell - And So The Lion Fell In Love With The Lamb
Papa Roach - Take Me
The White Stripes - In The Cold Cold Night
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

Chapter 17
BPOV
Saturday July 29th, 2006

When I ran from the hotel, I figured Edward would try to follow me. I knew Garrett would find me, but I didn't expect him to be alone.

"Little-Bit! Stop and talk to me," Garrett cried.

I looked behind me and saw that he was by himself. I stopped and turned to stare at him. "He isn't following you?" I asked as I looked around in the darkness for movement.

"No, I forced him to stay, and he didn't like it very much." He pulled me to his chest and held me tightly. I took a shuddering breath and closed my eyes.

"I can't, Garrett. I just can't. He left me, and now I'm confused as to what the hell I'm still doing here. God, I wish I could read his mind, understand what the hell his problem is," I mumbled to myself, shaking my head.

"He still loves you. That's his problem, Bella. He made the worst mistake of his life, and it's staring him in the face, rejecting him. You didn't see that?"

I pulled back and scoffed. "Are you serious? I was just a child to him; he didn't love me. I was a play thing, kept around to sate his curiosity."

"Bella… you are truly blind. He was defeated when you left the room. He argued you were his. Of course, I put him in his place and he seemed to realize his error. However, my point is he was telling you the truth. The entire time you were standing in that room, he debated wrapping you in his arms, or staying put. I think he didn't want to upset you, but the desire to hold you never left. I've never had someone sit on a decision like that for so long. I nearly forced his hand and made him do it, but I knew it would cause you some form of discomfort, so I denied my urges." He quirked an eyebrow, seemingly trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work.

I was pissed, and he had to be wrong. "You must have misunderstood him. He didn't even kiss me much, or show any carnal interest when I was human. You don't understand. You weren't there," I said bitterly.

If I could have cried, I would have. The moment tears streamed down my face still confused me, but I knew they wouldn't come again. In my human life, I rarely cried when I was sad, so I couldn't figure out why I had cried after playing my last song.

"Bella," Garrett said, sighing deeply. "Please, just take my word for it. You know I think lowly of Edward to begin with, so why would I lie to you? I'm on your side here, but you aren't seeing things properly. The naïve boy still loves you, and he is devastated that you won't allow him to prove it to you; I'm sure of it."

I shook my head, frustrated. "I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree. We need to discuss the show, anyway, not Edward Cullen." I looked into Garrett's eyes and waited for him to agree to switch topics. He sighed and nodded his head gently. "I don't want to quit the tour. I want us to make music; I enjoy singing, and I enjoy the feeling of being on stage. I never thought I would take to such a public display of emotions, but it's liberating up there. I feel like a stronger person," I explained.

"Then we continue. Perhaps now that you know where Edward is, and things have slightly changed, the emotions behind the songs will change as well. Let's continue with the eleven shows and see where things lead. We can change the set-list if we need to, and just play the songs you're comfortable playing around him," Garrett suggested.

I nodded and buried my face in his chest. "I need to hunt though. Can we do that tonight before heading to Juneau?"

"Of course, Little-Bit. One last thing though while we're still discussing our music. I thought I should let you know that they offered to let you use their piano," he said softly.

I shrugged and started walking in the direction I had been running before Garrett had caught up to me. I didn't know if the offer would still stand or not, and I didn't want to get my hopes up, or bother deciding if I wanted to accept an offer from Edward or not.

"What songs would you like to play for the next set?" Garrett asked, walking beside me.

I shrugged again and kept my eyes on the ground. "I don't know yet. Let's both think about it, and we can discuss it later."

I felt depressed; physically and emotionally depressed. I wondered if venom acted the same in the brain as the chemicals in a human's mind did, if I were capable of actually being depressed. I guess that would be a question for Carlisle… if I decided to talk to him.

Garrett and I hunted for a few hours and I was dreading walking back into the hotel knowing that Edward would be there again. It's almost funny how I used to wish he would come back to me when I was still human. Now that I am just like him, I wish he would stop toying with me, and just leave me in peace. Still, my heart ached, and I couldn't understand why the burden of my past hadn't been lifted. If Garrett's theory were right, then why was I pushing him away? Easy, because he isn't right and Edward can't be trusted. He either lied then, or is lying now. It's that simple.

I sighed and shivered as we entered Anchorage, dragging my feet at a human pace. I wasn't cold, but thoughts of my human life often caused me to react like I had then, and shivering and shuddering were at the top of my reactionary list. Garrett walked beside me, our steps in perfect harmony, never quickening his pace or hurrying me along.

"What's wrong, Little-Bit?" he asked, almost instinctively.

"I don't want to speak to him again tonight, and given how stubborn he was, he'll be waiting for me on the door step or in our hotel room. If you're right, anyway." I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw his lips twitch into a faint smile.

"Stop shielding me when we're close enough for him to hear my thoughts. I'll tell him to back off for the night and give you some space." He kissed me on the top of my head and smiled. "Let big brother deal with him."

I chuckled softly and shook my head. "As you wish." I was mirroring his own words from earlier. As we neared the hotel, I wondered if Edward was even still there. Maybe he left to hunt, or they decided to cancel the tour. My mind raced through different situations as we drew closer. When we were just a block away, I decided I would humor Garrett, just in case he was still there. I grabbed Garrett's hand and squeezed tightly, signaling I had dropped his protection. He nodded, following me as we drew closer to the corner.

A few moments later I heard the squeak of a door hinge and looked up at Garrett. He simply nodded and I focused on protecting his mind again. We pushed the front door open and walked towards the staircase. I could smell honeysuckle and rain, so I knew he must have just been there, but I didn't look around, or feel for his mind. I didn't know if he would be able to sense my ability or not, and I didn't want him thinking that I cared.

When we got to our room, Garrett pulled down the covers on the bed for me and kissed my forehead. I climbed into bed and smiled sadly at him. He had learned so many of my habits in the few months we had been together, and I had never expressed my appreciation for it.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

He stopped and watched as I pulled the covers up to my chin and wiggled lower on the bed.

"For what?"

"For always being there when I need someone. For always knowing how to make me comfortable, or talk me out of my irrational fears, or opinionated impressions. Thank you for being you," I whispered, looking up at him.

He leaned down and brushed his thumb along my cheek and faintly smiled. "Anything for you, Isabella." My full name sounded foreign on his tongue, and the sincerity in his tone was much stronger than I had ever heard before. I tried to remember if he had ever said my full name when I had been human, but I couldn't recall. His smile faded and he looked towards the door. "I'm going to discuss some things with Edward, alright? Just stay here. We won't be gone long."

I nodded, closed my eyes, and curled up on my side under the covers. I heard the door click, and gentle whispers from the lobby below me.

As I lay in bed, I thought about the set-list for the next show and decided to change it up a bit. I wanted to play Never Is A Promise for certain, but thought heavily about the rest. While I was focusing on the anger I could show Edward, I heard a knock at the door.

I sat up in bed and stared at the door blankly. For a brief second, panic coursed through me, but it quickly diminished into irritation. I felt a huge wave of calm and innocent intent. It was the most bizarre mix of emotions I had ever felt. After thinking about the combination for a second, I realized who it was.

"Come in, Jasper."

The door clicked and then thudded closed. The room filled with sweet cinnamon and I smiled. Jasper's honey-colored hair hung in his face, covering most of his eyes. He stopped at the edge of the bed, completely silent with his head hung low.

Of all of the Cullens, the only one I could forgive without a second thought was Jasper. He didn't leave me in the woods. He didn't tuck tail and run because Edward had forced him to. I didn't know Jasper that well when I was a human, but I know that he must have felt ashamed of his actions, and so he left willingly. He probably even felt that I wanted him to leave, but that was never the case. I was never upset with Jasper. The only resentment I could ever hold against him was why he stayed away for so long, but that wasn't his choice and he probably thought I wouldn't want to see him again.

"Yes?" I asked politely.

"I…" He paused at the end of the bed.

"Jasper, I'm not angry with you. You've never done anything to upset me. Come, sit with me," I said calmly, pulling back the covers so he could climb in.

He looked up at me quickly, his eyebrows arched in surprise. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said quietly, his accent thick and his voice deep.

"Why? It's not like you're going to bite me, and it's not like I'm going to jump your bones," I replied, smiling.

"I just think that…" His voice trailed off again, and I huffed.

"Jasper, seriously, do you sense any lust going on here?" I gestured toward myself, moving my finger in a circle as I arched my eyebrows. I dropped my hand and rolled my eyes as he shook his head minutely. "I didn't think so. Now... crawl in and tell me what's on your mind before I drag you under these covers and Alice comes running in here and gets the wrong impression," I said confidently, my voice light with humor.

He chuckled softly and bowed his head. He sat on the edge of the bed and took off his leather boots. He swung his feet under the covers and looked at me curiously. I threw the covers over him as if he were a child and smiled at him brightly.

"See? Innocent."

"Why are you under the covers to begin with?" he asked, a smirk playing on his lips.

I shrugged and leaned against the headboard. "It brings me comfort, I guess. Before I was changed, I used to have terrible nightmares of…" I shivered and sighed. Jasper groaned uncomfortably beside me. "Sorry," I said quickly. "The nightmares don't matter. Anyway, now that I can't dream, I don't have to be afraid of enjoying the comfort of a bed anymore, worrying about falling asleep by accident."

"The pain you carry with you is immense. I don't know how you handle it," Jasper said quietly. He was looking at me, searching for something.

"I spent four months dealing with it as a human, and then three days dealing with it in a different way as my body died and changed, and now I have to spend eternity with it. I've just come to accept it, I guess. What do you suggest I do? Nothing makes it go away." I whispered the last few words.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to bring up a painful topic for you," he said somberly.

"It's okay. What did you come here for, if I may ask?"

"I… I came to talk to you about my family. I know you can't read their minds, or feel their emotions to know if they are telling you the truth. I know you don't believe us, or trust us when we tell you we're sorry for how things happened. I also know that none of us deserve your forgiveness. We turned our backs on you, Bella, and it's something that will haunt us, all of us, for eternity." Jasper sighed and hung his head. "I never got very close to you because Edward warned me to keep my distance. He was afraid I would lose control. Did Edward ever tell you about my past?"

I shook my head and turned to face him properly. I crossed my legs under me and watched Jasper close his eyes and sigh. As I studied his face, I noticed deep scars that ran over his skin like railroad tracks. There were deep scratches that came in three's along the side of his jaw, and dozens of crescent shaped marks along his neck and collarbones. They seemed to continue below the neckline of his shirt and my eyes wandered down his arms to his wrist in search of more.

Jasper's long-sleeve, button-up shirt hid the evidence well, and I could only guess how many more scars he had. I stifled my gasp as I refocused on his eyes. He had watched my eyes travel their path, and seemed to be waiting for my reaction. He looked at me with a somber expression for a long moment before speaking again.

"One day, when we have more time, I'll tell you of my past if you wish to hear it. Just know that I didn't always adhere to this diet. I have a dark past, with dark sins against my soul. I know my family told you I'm the newest to join their coven, and consequentially their diet, but I have a long history of causing human deaths on my hands. Edward always feared I would lose control around you; he protected you from me. Do you understand why I'm telling you this?"

I shook my head again and studied his expression. He seemed so sad, and pained.

"Edward loved you, Bella. He loved you like the night sky loves the stars – like I love Alice. When he walked away from you that day, he died too. I could hardly stand to be near him because his heart ached so strongly. I didn't know pain could run so deep. Then, when he heard you had died, he shattered. I watched as he cried, sitting on the piano bench at our old house and sang of loss and regrets. He cried. His soul cried tears at the loss of its equal." He studied my expression closely, waiting for any kind of reaction.

I took a shallow breath and sighed. I knew of the tears he was talking about; I had cried them too, and they made perfect sense now.

"He lied to you, and he was wrong to do so, just as we were wrong to allow him to force us to leave you. He made the worst mistake of his life, and he has never once stopped regretting it. From the moment he left you that day, he's been a broken man. You say he took your heart with him; well you've had his this entire time as well. The pain that swells inside you every time you think of him is his heart aching over the loss of its other half.

"I'm not asking for you to forgive Edward. Please don't think that is my purpose in being here. I am, however, asking for you to realize that he still loves you, just as you still love him. He needs to earn your trust, and in my opinion, your respect, but he already has your love. Please, don't lose sight of that, and don't tell me I'm wrong, Bella. I could feel your emotions clearly when you were in that room." Jasper reached across the covers and squeezed mine gently, staring into my eyes.

I nodded and gripped back, uncertain of what to say or do.

"What are you unsure of, Bella?"

"I don't know what to do. If he still loves me, then I can't make sense of why he left me, or why he lied to me. Where do I go from here? I may still love him, but I can't be with him if I can't trust him. That's one of the strongest necessities of love. I can't forgive that. I hurt every day I thought that he never loved me. He rejected me and tore me down, throwing my insecurities in my face. I want to throw all of my pain back into his, forcing him to see what he did to me, but my heart aches too much. What do I do, Jasper? Tell me what to do…" I pleaded. I threw my arms around his neck and shuddering.

He wrapped his arms around my back, comforting me as he slid his fingers through my hair. "I don't have an answer for you, Bella. That's for you to decide. You need to be strong, and you need to decide if you want to simply forgive him and move on, or if you want to wait until you know you can trust him, or if you want to make him hurt first. The choice is yours and yours alone. Just please, don't leave. We all missed you too much to let you walk away. I can assure you Alice will hunt you down if you try, and I'm sure Emmett would love to follow." He stroked my hair gently and squeezed me once before pulling away. He waited for me to look at him, and smiled. "I'd miss you too. I never got as close to you as either of them did due to my… lack of restraint, but I'd like to… if you'd let me."

I smiled and nodded once. "I'd like that, Jasper. Thank you." I hugged him tightly one more time before releasing him.

He tossed the covers back and slipped his feet into his boots. He stood and turned to face me, holding a hand out. "Would you like to go back to our room until Garrett and Edward return?"

I shook my head, but smiled. "No, I think I need to figure out our set-list for the show tonight and get my thoughts sorted out. Thank you though."

He looked hurt at first but smiled after a few seconds. "Alright. Oh! Did Garrett tell you that you can use our piano?"

"He did. Thank you. I think I'd like that."

He grinned and bowed his head. "My pleasure. I look forward to the show tonight. I'll see you later, Bella," he said politely, his accent lingering on the word pleasure. He turned and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind him.

When Garrett returned, he was very quiet. We packed up our few things in the hotel room, and left for Juneau by eight that morning. I worked on the set-list during the drive, and when I finished, I flipped on the radio. The Reason by Virulent Disease was playing and I snorted at the irony. Garrett gave me a confused look, but I didn't explain.

I listened to the lyrics and found myself re-considering my plan for the night. My shield was strong, so Garrett didn't notice I was weighing the options Jasper had mentioned and I was very thankful for that. I decided to keep to my plan, reasons be damned.

When we got to the venue, the Cullens were already there. They had sound check first this time, so we decided to hang out backstage and listen. I wasn't feeling as spiteful as I had the night before, but I wasn't swimming with forgiveness either. Jasper glanced at me often during their setup and I just smiled faintly at him each time. He would nod and smile back, and continue with what he was doing.

I had contemplated shielding him so Edward couldn't read his thoughts, but I decided Jasper had enough experience at keeping his thoughts to himself, so I didn't intervene. It might make Edward more suspicious anyway.

"Shall we play the instrumental for the equipment check?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, give me one second to finish tuning the acoustic guitar for you Alice," Jasper responded.

I watched as Edward took a seat at the piano and waited. Jasper handed the acoustic to Alice and plugged it in for her. He strummed the chords of his own electric guitar and smiled brightly, nodding to the guy at the sound board. Alice began to play the acoustic guitar with fierce concentration. I could tell she wasn't very comfortable with the instrument as she plucked at the notes carefully. She repeated the same notes a few times and the volume increased as the audio tech adjusted the sliders.

Edward's hands glided over the keys of the piano and my breath caught. My eyes were fixated on his hands as he played a slow, chilling tune. The sound of the electric guitar joined in shortly after, but it was very soft and calming. As the song progressed, I found myself constantly shivering. The melody was romantic, sad, gentle, and innocent all at the same time. I was pulled from my focus when the audio tech asked for a vocal check.

Alice leaned into the microphone at the center of the stage and sang a few high notes to the melody. When she stopped, Jasper hummed into his microphone briefly. Edward did the same when it was his turn, and I shivered once more.

"Alright, we need a harder song to set the different levels. Go ahead whenever you're ready," the technician said.

Alice put the guitar back on the stand and turned to the mixing board on the stage. She flipped a switch and leaned into the keys. They all launched into the chorus of what I recognized as the first song they played the previous night.

"As days go by, my heart grows cold! I can't seem to let this all pass my by! So take me," Edward screamed into the microphone. Jasper repeated the last two words into his microphone, screaming as well. Edward crossed the stage quickly, but still at a human pace, and continued the lyrics into the center stage microphone. "And let me in, don't break me and shut me out!" He clutched the stand tightly, pulling it towards him as he shut his eyes. Jasper eyed me quickly before looking down at the guitar in his hands.

Edward opened his eyes and looked at me. I gasped quietly and hunched my shoulders, trying to hide. I looked away and pulled on my lip ring.

When they finished the sound check, they did a light spotting. They informed the light technician they wanted back lights only, with the occasional spotlight sweep; no front or side lights. The technician argued at first, but eventually agreed. Edward walked around the stage staring at various things for a few moments before he locked eyes with me again. His expression fell, and he looked like he was in pain. I sighed, hopped off the guard rail and pulled myself up onto the stage. When I passed Edward, I felt the familiar jolt of electricity pass between us, causing me to shiver.

He quickly walked toward the edge of the stage and jumped onto the guard rail, balancing perfectly. He continued to look around the stage, gauging distances and jumping onto the amplifiers. I shook my head in confusion and looked around for Garrett.

"Ready, Little-Bit?" Garrett asked from backstage. He was carrying in the keyboard and mixing board with Emmett carrying a few guitar cases behind him.

I smiled faintly at Emmett and nodded at Garrett. "Yep, what do you want to play for the sound check?" I asked.

"How about a short cover of In the Cold, Cold Night and then Bring Me To Life?" he suggested.

I nodded and helped him set up our gear. Alice and Jasper removed their guitar stand and mix board to the side and helped us hook up to the main sound system.

"Alright, soft song first," the technician said.

I nodded and smiled, taking the center stage. Garrett began the low, chilling melody and I grinned, closing my eyes.

"I saw you standing in the corner, on the edge of a burning light. I saw you standing in the corner. Come to me again, in the cold, cold night." My voice rang clearly throughout the building and I grinned wider. I swayed my hips, keeping my eyes closed and letting the music flow through me. I couldn't really explain why I liked the beat so much, but it always made me feel seductive.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward leaning against the guard rail, staring at me intensely. I shuddered but continued to sing, staring at him, daring him with my gaze. "You make me feel a little older, like a full grown woman might," I sang louder than before. I pronounced each word very carefully and swung my hips during the last few words. I rolled my head to the side, my hair falling off my shoulder and grinned. "But when you're gone I grow colder." I paused for a split second and arched my eyebrow. I quickly turned to look at Garrett to sing the next line. "Come to me again, in the cold, cold night," I sang, quirking my eyebrow and smirking.

Garrett stopped playing immediately and bent over laughing. I tried to stifle my giggling but it came out as a snort anyway.

"You and that song," Garrett said through his laugh.

I smiled brightly, turning on my heel and walked toward the piano. When I looked back at Edward, his jaw was firmly set and his eyes were narrow. What I wouldn't give to read your mind, I thought snidely.

"Alright, quick piano check and then I need a harder song," the technician said.

I nodded and began to play the intro to Bring Me To Life. My fingers glided over the keys and it felt like home to be able to play on a real piano again. I sighed contentedly and began singing high notes to check the mic at the piano. When the sound technician gave me a thumbs up, I stood from the piano and headed for the center microphone again.

"Wake me up!" Garrett screamed, beginning the chorus melody.

"Wake me up inside!" I cried out. I grabbed the microphone off of the stand and walked over to Garrett. As he screamed back, I leaned against his right arm, pressing my spine against him and turned my body to his. He growled out his next line and I felt the vibrations from his chest. "Call my name and save me from the dark," I sang, leaning my head against his shoulder. We continued the chorus while I closed my eyes and bent my knees, lowering myself to the ground slowly. I clenched my free fist tightly and pressed it against my temple.

"Save me!" Garrett screamed out louder than before.

I opened my eyes and looked at Edward. "Save me from the nothing I've become…" I whispered.

"Alright, we're set," the technician called from the audio board.

I held Edward's gaze for a moment longer before I stood up and swallowed. "Alright," I said quietly, walking to the stand to return the microphone.

"Rob needs your positions for the lights, so just wander your typical path," the tech said.

I nodded, wandering back to the keyboard, to the corner left stage, then to center stage. I eyed the venue for a brief second, gauging how wide the rail was, and the gap between the stage and security line. I hopped out onto the guard rail briefly, balancing on the five inches of metal, and walked along it slowly until I was close enough to believably jump to the amplifier on the right side of the stage. I joined Garrett at his position and looked back up at the tech.

"Got it. You want the dark lights as well, right?"

"Yeah, but we want a red backlight for the first song. Try and match it to the beat, please. Other than that, I'm not picky. Just no front lights, please," I replied.

"Alright, you guys are good to go. We're going to get the last sound check for the local band. Feel free to hang out backstage, just make sure you get your ID badges so you can come and go freely."

I nodded and headed to our room backstage.

Tonight, I will show Edward Cullen what he did to me, and I'll make him feel more than just regret.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story for so long, both the silent readers, and those who voiced their enthusiasm or concerns all throughout. Seriously, you guys are amazing. This story hit one thousand hits last update, and I'm sincerely humbled by that. I never thought it possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Song question for the chapter: A song that reminds you of working through a relationships low point. Something that speaks about coming together, and fighting for love, no matter the pain.