DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
As Always: Thanks to my Beta, Blahx3, and my ficwife, OCDMess. You two constantly amaze me.
A/N: Last chapter I asked for a song that reminded you of working through relationship problems. You guys had some interesting suggestions, and huge thanks to My-Heart-Of-Music for mentioning Delta Goodrem. My answer: (This will please Z...) Slipknot - 'Snuff'. Just a bit of foreshadowing with this question... remember it. -wink-
Specific Playlist for this chapter: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/view_play_list?p=F5EEF32AD96B3C01
Placebo - Running up that hill
Evanescence – Going Under
Rasputina – You Don't Own Me
Evanescence – Call Me When You're Sober
30 Seconds To Mars – The Kill
Evanescence – Bring Me To Life
Evanescence – Like You
Rascall Flatts – What Hurts The Most (by Krista Nicole)
A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover
Fiona Apple – Never Is A Promise
Chapter 18
EPOV
Friday July 29th, 2006
I never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.
Watching Bella sway as she sang In the Cold, Cold Night, had me burning with desire, and then she looked at Garrett and I flared with jealousy. I knew they weren't together romantically, but I couldn't help but envy any kind of relationship he had with her. It was more than I had.
'Seriously, Edward, calm down. They're friends, and it's just a cover,' Jasper reassured me silently. I still couldn't stop watching her, however.
She locked eyes with me once more during the second song, and I wondered what she was thinking at that very moment. A small part of me prayed for her shield to fade during the night so I could hear her thoughts while she performed, but the other part of me knew that wouldn't be a good idea. I would probably hate what I heard, and it pained me to even think about how strong her anger toward me was.
When she finished with the sound check, she retreated to her backstage room. I wanted to follow her, spend as much time with her as I could, but I knew she would be upset. I wondered if she would even let my family and I watch her performance.
'Did Garrett say if we could watch them tonight,' Alice asked on queue, as if she had been reading my thoughts.
I shook my head and sighed as I leaned against a wall in our own room at the opposite end of the hallway.
"Jasper, would you mind asking Garrett and Bella if we can all watch their show tonight?" she asked. It infuriated her that she couldn't see anything that involved Bella's future.
"Sure, I'll be right back," he said, eyeing me cautiously. We all noticed that Bella had taken to Jasper more than anyone else; I still couldn't understand why.
I listened as Jasper walked down the hall and knocked on the door.
"Hey, Garrett. We were all wondering if you guys had a problem with us watching the show tonight."
I watched through his mind as Garrett seemed to think it over briefly.
"Sure," Bella said from inside the room. "You guys can watch from the audience if you want; you might have a better view from out there anyway." The vision through Jasper's thoughts was hazy, and I could only make out faint details of Garrett. Bella was somewhere out of sight from the door, but I recognized her voice. I thought back to the show at La Sangue Cantante, and berated myself for not putting everything together sooner.
I was pulled from my memories when Jasper walked back in the room and addressed the rest of my family. "She said we could watch from the audience; she didn't seem bothered by it at all."
Carlisle and Esme smiled at each other while Emmett pumped one fist into the air.
'This should be interesting,' Rosalie thought.
I threw her a dirty look and she just shrugged. I liked it better when Bella blocked Rosalie's mind from me.
When the first band of the evening finished their set, we all walked out to the stage to help Bella and Garrett set up. We weren't allowed to lift the piano with just the two of us since there were lights on the stage, so we all helped to make it look more believable. Once they were ready to begin, we hopped off stage and stood between it and the guard rail.
There was four feet of space all along the front of the stage where the security were allowed to stand between the fans and the platform, and we decided that would be the best place to view the show without getting into the middle of the crowd. The security checked our ID badges and waved us off to the left.
Garrett grinned before the lights went out in the building and the noise from the crowd died down.
The same haunting heartbeat rhythm from the night before began as the red backlights flickered in tandem with the beat.
'Strength, determination, joy and… revenge? Oh dear, Lord,' Jasper thought. His eyes flicked to me quickly in shock. 'Hope you're ready for this; she's on a war path, and she has her ass kicking boots on.' He smirked at me quickly before turning back to the stage.
"It doesn't hurt me. You want to know feel how it feels? You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me." Bella's voice rang throughout the room, and I shivered. I listened closely to the lyrics, trying to understand the feelings and events that had inspired them. Was this written about me leaving her, like so many of her songs seemed to be?
Her voice seemed to grow stronger as the song grew louder. The spotlights swept the stage during the chorus and the audience cheered when they caught a glimpse of her pounding her fist against her thigh to the beat.
"So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we?" Bella screamed out the word hate, but whispered the last few lines. I listened to Jasper's thoughts, trying to decipher Bella's emotions, but he kept repeating the same thing over and over.
'Find your strength, Bella. Find your strength,' he said silently.
When the song ended, the lights went out again and the crowd cheered.
"Thank you!" Bella said excitedly. "We are Beautifully Sacred, and we want to thank you for coming out tonight. This set is dedicated to the lead singer of Virulent Disease for being so… inspirational." There was a loud cheer from the audience and Bella laughed gently. She looked right at me and quirked an eyebrow. "This is all for you, E." She smiled and turned around, walking toward the mixer.
A lush sound of a guitar seeped out of the amplifiers as Bella pressed something on the mixer. "Now I will tell you what I've done for you. Fifty-thousand tears I've cried. Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you; and you… still won't hear me," Bella sang in a low voice. Her fingers flew over the keyboard as she leaned back and closed her eyes.
"Going under!" Garrett said through a deep, growly voice.
Bella leaned back into the microphone and sang the next line with a fierce passion. The lights scattered across the stage, only giving the audience a glimpse of Bella as she played the chorus. "I'm… dying again!" She sang beautifully, hitting the high note and holding it until her lungs were empty.
"Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies, so I don't know what's real and what's not." She whispered the last few words and Garrett echoed them. The crowd cheered louder and began to rock against the guard rail to the music.
Her presence on stage was demanding; I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She seemed to pour her entire being into her performance and let the words chill to the bone. I wondered if this song was about her transformation. The term "going under" seemed to be a metaphor for everything she went through when she changed, and the song was laced with anger and pain.
"Please, Jasper, tell me what she is feeling during her songs," I pleaded quietly.
'She's really hard to read right now. I think she's pretty determined to keep her shield in tact. I know it doesn't block my ability, but it makes it more difficult to get the nuances of her emotions. Right now, she seems determined and spiteful, but I can't be certain that's all.'
As she sang the high notes, I took a moment to admire her voice and pitch. She never sang for me when she was human, and I really wished I could have heard her, just once. I constantly fought the urge to jump onto the stage and hold her as she sang the ending of the song. Garrett continued to glance in my direction whenever the desire grew extremely strong, but he never did anything to make my decision for me. She bent down, clutching her ribs, and hunched over her knees. She bellowed out the words and then gasped as the lights went black once more.
The crowd screamed louder than before and whistled. I thought about the songs she had played last night and wondered what was next. Garrett exchanged his guitar for a bass and I furrowed my brows. I didn't remember him using a bass the night before, though I wasn't listening to the instruments that much; I was distracted by Jasper and the constant flux of emotions he was giving off.
"This next one is actually a cover. I'm sure most of you know the lyrics, so feel free to sing along with me," Bella said to the crowd. She turned, smirked at Garrett and nodded.
She stood by the mixer and took a deep breath while Garrett began with the low notes on his bass. I waited for a familiar beat, hoping it was a song I recognized and could understand the purpose of her performing it tonight.
'Oh… wow.'
I turned and looked at Jasper curiously, but he just nodded back up at the stage with a smirk.
My mouth dropped open as the spot lights flickered on, illuminating Bella with her back turned to the audience. Everyone cheered so loudly they probably couldn't hear the first few lines, but I could.
"You don't own me, no. I'm not one of your little toys," she sang seductively. She swayed her hips to the slow beat of the song. Her entire back was bare with a single, thin string stretching across the center of her ribcage. Her hair was pulled around to the front, exposing her shoulder blades and the back of her neck.
I moaned quietly as my eyes roamed over her body. God, the things I want to do to her. Jasper snickered beside me and I growled. I had always wanted Bella when she was a human, but seeing her on the stage, powerful and filled with confidence, was a sight to behold. I felt like a different person, filled with all the desires I had never let myself experience so strongly before.
'Still want to know her emotions?' he asked silently.
"Yes," I replied with a rough voice.
Bella's left hand slowly slid down the outside of her left thigh as she bent down. She rolled her shoulders back one at a time and tapped her right foot. My eyes traveled down her legs and paused as I realized she was barefoot. She looked comfortable in her own skin for once, not like the timid, clumsy Bella I remembered. I moaned once more and swallowed.
'Hunger,' Jasper answered with a grin.
I shot him a quick glare and looked back up at Bella. This was my punishment – I was sure of it. Picking this song with that outfit on this night was pure punishment. I was certain that if I could read her thoughts, she would be thinking, "You can look, but never touch."
I watched her eagerly as she walked slowly across the stage toward Garrett. She turned around, pressing her bare back against his side. Every time she said the word "No" she would say it slowly and bend down, sliding her back against his torso and down his thighs. I swallowed again and suppressed another growl.
Garrett smirked and chuckled softly, shaking his head as he played the slow bass line. She stalked toward the front of the stage as the song neared its end. She put one foot up on the amplifier and leaned over the edge. I knew she was putting on a show for the audience, but I wondered how much of her performance was meant to upset me.
"To live my life the way that I please!" she sang to the crowd. The audience erupted with screams and cheers, and she grinned wider. "Thank you! You guys are great singers." She chuckled, and walked back to the center of the stage.
I hadn't even paid attention to them singing along.
"I usually wouldn't dream of going into detail about any of our songs, but tonight is a special night for us, and we felt like sharing. This song is about learning to accept the cards you're dealt in life. Sometimes we don't win the hand and if we let it get to us, we blow the entire game. This is about not letting that one, little, hand bring you down. Find your strength, and learn from the loss. That way, when the next hand is dealt, you have a little something up your sleeve." Bella smirked and ran back to the mixer, her bare feet thumping lightly on the wood of the stage.
She pressed down on the keys, eliciting a low note, and the sound reverberated through the room. "Don't cry to me." She pressed another note firmly. "If you loved me, you would be here with me," she sang loudly. "You love me? Come find me! Make up your mind!" The notes mingled with her voice as she held the word until she ran out of breath.
The spotlights swept across the stage as Bella threw her head forward. Her long hair whipped to the front and then back as she leaned into the keys and gasped. A heavy guitar riff kicked in and the crowd cheered.
Bella grabbed the microphone off of the stand violently and stalked up toward the center of the stage. She looked livid. She leapt across the open space at the end and landed delicately on the guard rail. Her toes curled around the metal as her feet curved to hold herself in place. She pretended to waiver back and forth, acting as though she was catching her balance and smirked. She was roughly ten feet to my right and I had to fight the urge to run to her, ensuring she wouldn't fall.
She slowly walked along the rail, screaming the lyrics to the audience. She finished the chorus and hopped off of the guard rail, landing between the stage and the fans, and slowly walked towards me and my family. Her eyes locked onto mine and she gave me an intense look. She pressed her small body against the short stage wall, only a foot away.
"Couldn't take the blame, sick with shame," she sang, a pained look in her eye.
"Must be exhausting to lose your own game." She narrowed her eyes.
"Selfishly hated," she whimpered. "No wonder you're jaded," she spat, her eyes growing darker. She reached out and grabbed the neck of my shirt, pulling me closer to her. I gasped, staring deeply into her rust-colored eyes.
"You can't play the victim this time." She pushed me back into the guard rail, releasing my shirt and narrowed her eyes infinitesimally.
"And you're too late!" she screamed, holding the note.
She put a palm onto the stage and turned to pull herself up. I fought the urge to pull her back and into my arms.
'She's angry, Edward, and so hurt. It's taking a lot of focus to keep her anger from spilling over onto others,' Jasper said silently.
I swallowed and nodded. I've hurt her so deeply. I'll never earn her forgiveness. I watched hopelessly as she finished the song, screaming the lyrics and leaning over the edge of the stage. After she finished the last line and the lights went out, there was a second of silence, and she giggled softly.
God, how I've missed that sound. I swallowed once more, and hung my head. What have I done?
'Triumphant,' Jasper thought quickly, quirking an eyebrow at the oddly placed emotion.
"This next one was one of the first songs Garrett and I ever performed together. I met him in a small town in the back of a music store. I was a shy girl with my sad poetry and no faith in myself. He pulled me out of my darkness and gave me strength. This song is about destructive goodbyes, and the pain that follows," Bella said into the microphone.
She ran to the mixer and pressed a few buttons before returning to the front of the stage. A faint drum track began to play as Garrett strummed a gentle guitar rhythm. A spotlight lit Bella from behind, and everyone cheered. This was the first time the stage lights had actually focused on her, and I was determined to listen to the song so I could decipher the meaning of the change. She was curled into a ball, crouched on her knees. Her hair hung in front of her face and I shivered as she took a deep breath. She looked so tiny.
"What if I wanted to break?" she whispered. She rocked back and forth on her toes to the beat as she sang very softly. I remembered this song from the night before. As she sang it, her shield had slipped and Jasper had caught a wave of pain. "What would you do, do, do?" she screamed.
She sprang to her feet, throwing her hair back in a high arch. She ran to the edge of the stage and leaned over with her eyes closed as she screamed out the lyrics. I felt a slight wave of pain roll off of Jasper and looked at him.
'There's a lot of hurt coming from her. This may be the first song they ever performed, but it's huge for her. Remember this song, Edward.'
Her shield still hadn't faltered from what I could tell, but I had a feeling she couldn't hold it strong all night. She screamed the chorus with her eyes closed as she clenched her fist, beating it against her thigh at each word. She took a shaky breath and turned away from the edge of the stage.
"Beg for the rest of my life!" She screamed louder than before as she fell to the floor.
Jasper groaned from beside me and I could feel and hear him holding her pain at bay from the rest of us. 'Good God, Edward,' he whimpered silently.
She leaned forward, curling into a ball on her knees and put her forehead on the ground.
"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself, fighting for a chance. I know now…" she whimpered every word into the microphone.
She gasped and pounded her fist against her thigh so hard I thought she might hurt herself. "This! Is! Who! I! Really! Am!" she cried out, emphasizing every word. I heard her voice break on the last word, and she shuddered.
The audience gasped and stared at her, concerned and awestruck. I wanted to run to her, pull her into my arms and hold her close, never letting her go. I wanted to kiss away her pain and all of my past mistakes.
Garrett eyed her with deep concern as he sang the backup vocals of the bridge. Bella continued to rock back and forth on her knees. She fisted her hair and shook violently as the instrumental part ended. She looked like she was breaking into pieces on the stage, but I still couldn't read her thoughts. She moaned out incoherent words, slowly growing louder.
If she was in this much pain last night and her shield didn't slip, I'm not sure I can sit here during a song where it does.
She threw her head back and cried out the chorus, her hair still gripped tightly in her hand. The chorus repeated and she took a shaky breath. She opened her eyes and they were filled with sorrow. She stared directly at me and my heart broke all over again as I choked back a whimper.
"Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me… All I wanted was you…" she whispered. I heard her whimper softly as the song ended and the lights went out. She closed her eyes, breaking the connection and I sighed.
'If she performed that in the middle of her set, I'm not sure I can stay for the rest, Edward,' Jasper thought.
I nodded and closed my eyes. I've destroyed her. I'm so sorry, my sweet Isabella.
The stage was silent for a long moment and the crowd grew anxious. Garrett crossed over to Bella and picked her up off the floor, cradling her in his arms.
That should be me.
He carried her to the piano bench and set her down, holding her face in his hands.
"Bella. Bella, look at me. We can quit. Let's just stop, you're completely a wreck; it's okay," he whispered to her.
She shook her head and slowly opened her eyes. "No. I need to finish the set," she whispered back.
"No, come on. We're done, let's go," he argued.
"No, I'm going to finish the set. My shield is strong, you can't change my mind, so we aren't done."
He sighed deeply and nodded. He stood and walked back to his side of the stage. Bella's fingers ghosted over the piano keys without pressing down and she closed her eyes. I glanced at Jasper curiously.
'She seems to be focusing on strength, and faith. It doesn't make much sense, but I'm guessing she is re-establishing her shield. Garrett is really concerned though, and panicked,' Jasper thought quickly.
I nodded and took a deep breath. Breathe, Bella. I know you can do this.
The chilling piano melody I had heard during the sound check flowed from the speakers. A single spotlight was cast down upon the piano, illuminating the top of her hair, shoulders and pale, white hands over the ivory keys. It took my breath away; she was beautiful. Her thin fingers slid across the keys effortlessly. It reminded me of watching her play her lullaby at the hotel. She was skilled, and the music seemed to flow through her with extreme passion.
She began singing an eerie melody, reaching a high note before coming back down and then going higher. She continued her vocal range display for almost half of a minute until her voice hit the most beautiful high pitch I had ever heard. A shiver ran through my body and I closed my eyes. So talented. So beautiful.
She shuddered and took a shaky breath. Her fingers slid over the keys in a different pattern, merging into a new melody. She leaned into the piano as she pressed each note further away from her. Her eyes were closed, but she found every key without hesitation. She opened her eyes, turned on the bench slightly and stared straight at me.
"How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb." She took a shallow breath and swallowed quickly. Garrett's guitar joined the sound of her voice as she continued singing. "Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back… home." She whispered the last word and closed her eyes, breaking her gaze.
Garrett and Bella sang a duet, trading off lines. I recognized the song as the same from earlier, but it was played differently. It wasn't as hard or raw, but somehow more emotional. She remained at the piano, playing a fast melody similar to that of the programed song but more simplistic.
"Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling." Bella looked at me through hooded eyes once more, but this time I could see pain written across her facial features. "Only you are the life among the dead!" she sang the words beautifully, holding the last note until all of the air had left her lungs. She leaned back into the piano and turned away from me.
Garrett sang another duet with her, but she became the backing vocals. As I listened to the lyrics, it became evident that this was about her transformation. She had told us she had wanted to die when she awoke a vampire, and that she had endured the entire transformation while coherent. I shuddered at the thought and focused on Bella's performance.
I preferred Bella's piano playing over the mixed instrument tracks they had programmed. If she ever forgave me, I decided I would persuade her to write more piano songs. As they finished, I glanced at the rest of my family for the first time since the show had begun.
Esme was tucked into Carlisle's side while gripping his sweater with her fist. She was trembling and her eyes looked glassy. She turned and glanced at me.
'We never should have left, Edward. She's been through too much,' Esme thought.
I swallowed and nodded. I didn't want to be reminded of my mistakes, but she was completely right. Alice was standing perfectly still, staring up at the stage with Jasper protectively pressed against her back. Her jaw was trembling but she wouldn't take her eyes off of Bella.
'I hate you so much right now, Edward. We destroyed her. How will she ever forgive us?' she thought. She didn't sound hurtful or spiteful, but completely depressed. Her best friend was utterly broken, and she felt it was partly her fault. I knew she didn't truly hate me, but rather hated the decisions I had made for her.
I gripped her forearm gently and squeezed. "I know, Alice. But it's my fault, not yours, and I'll do my best to fix it," I said quietly to my sister.
Emmett stood beside Jasper with an arm around Rosalie. They were both exceptionally quiet and I wasn't sure if I should be glad or concerned. Emmett looked at me quickly and furrowed his brow before looking back at Bella. His mind seemed to linger on regret and concern for the girl he considered his littlest sister. Rosalie was paying closer attention to the lyrics than I thought she would have, pulling specific words out and storing them away for later. I wasn't sure if she was merely curious, or actually concerned.
"This song holds a lot of different meanings for me," Bella said softly to the crowd. "It's a confession, a plea, and a goodbye. I wrote it when I wanted nothing more than the one thing I couldn't have; to follow a loved one. Make of it what you will."
A deep guitar riff echoed through the room, followed by a fast, rhythmic strumming. Bella's hands flew across the keys effortlessly. The melody was enchanting. The guitar rhythm opposed that of the piano, but both fit perfectly with the harmony. Bella took a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly before opening them to look at me once again.
"Stay low, soft, dark, and dreamless. Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness. I hate me, for breathing without you. I don't want to feel any more for you." Her voice was gentle and even. She closed her eyes and sighed, letting her fingers glide across the keys.
Rosalie's mind instantly caught my attention; Royce. She was running through the emotions, thoughts, and sensations of the last few moments before Carlisle had found her. She was seeing her pain reflected back at her through Bella's words. In that instant, Rosalie seemed to connect with Bella, focusing on every word and nuance of the song.
Rosalie had wanted nothing more than to be loved and have a family. She wanted to be desired and to feel important, and her own fiancée had torn her down and left her bare; both physically, and emotionally. While Bella's words emphasized the emotional and mental state Bella had been in when I left her, Rose still connected with the meaning.
Bella had wanted to die if she couldn't be with me; she had told me as much, but this song was a confession to that fact. She had wanted forever with me, and when I denied her she decided she would rather die than live her lifetime alone.
'She's starting to lose it, Edward. Can you hear her thoughts at all?' Jasper asked silently.
I shook my head; she was still completely closed off to me. She seemed focused on holding her shield strong tonight, and I had no clue how she was managing it.
When the song ended, the crowd cheered and screamed; even Rosalie applauded stiffly. A majority of the audience thought she was phenomenal and the music as a whole was amazing. The entire room was impressed with the talent of a small, unknown band.
Bella stood and walked to the center of the stage to address the crowd.
"I've never played this next song live before, so please forgive me. I wrote this only a few moments before my entire life was changed. I'd thought I could move on, but I had been wrong. I'd thought my pain would dull, but again… I had been wrong. I'd thought that things could never get any worse… but I was wrong about that too." As she spoke, Garrett pulled two stools to the center of the stage. He switched to his acoustic guitar and situated the microphone in front of the guitar's hollow opening. Bella took a shaky breath and sat on the empty stool.
She clutched the microphone in her small hands and closed her eyes. She sang the first few lines quietly, swaying back and forth on the stool. Garrett played a simplistic rhythm that matched the tempo of her lyrics perfectly.
"What hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away." She opened her eyes and stared down at her lap with a pained expression. She took a quick breath and looked up at me through her eyelashes. Her eyes were glassy and she trembled.
"Never knowing, what could have been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do." Bella stared into my eyes for what felt like minutes, but all too soon she closed her eyes and cast her head downward.
Look at me, Bella. Look at me, please. Let me see your pain – let me show you my agony.
She sang the rest of the song with her head hung low and her eyes shut. Her small fingers clenched the microphone, almost too tightly as she sang. The audience cheered respectfully and applauded instead of screaming, recognizing the more somber tone. Many of the thoughts in the room mirrored each other: this band could do it all, and they were amazing.
I completely agreed.
'She's panicking, Edward. They only have ten, maybe fifteen minutes left, which means two songs, possibly three. It's getting harder for her. Should I try to calm her?' he asked silently.
I looked at Garrett who was watching Jasper. I quirked an eyebrow at him and nodded my head toward Jasper, silently asking him if his decision was okay. Garrett nodded after a moment and Jasper sent Bella a gentle wave of calm. She took a seat on the piano bench and turned to stare at Jasper, holding his gaze with a blank expression. She closed her eyes and mouthed, "Thank you."
Jasper kept a steady stream of calm flowing towards her as she took deep breaths. "This next one is… hard. I apologize now for any odd behavior, but I hope you enjoy the song. I think the lyrics speak for themselves." She crowd cheered for her, pushing her to continue. Someone from the back of the audience hollered "You can do it!" and she smiled faintly.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to Garrett for being my rock. These last two songs, however, you guys are stuck with just me. I'm Phoenix, and we're Beautifully Sacred. Thank you," she said quickly, forcing a smile.
The lights went out, leaving the audience in total darkness. Bella took a deep breath and pressed her fingers down on the specific keys. A soft, calming melody rang clearly out of the amplifiers, and the crowd cheered.
I immediately recognized the song as the last one she had performed the night before and began to panic as well. Jasper glanced at me before sending me a wave of calm. I steadied my breathing and nodded in appreciation.
I watched Bella as she sang softly at the piano. When she reached the chorus the spotlight above her came on, casting her in a yellow glow. She sang the chorus slower than she had before, lingering on words and holding notes with care and a steady voice. At the end of the first chorus, she stopped playing.
"Dim the lights for the rest, please," she requested louder than she had been singing.
The light lowered in intensity, casting a faint shadow on the ground around her as it illuminated her hands and the ivory keys. She began to play after taking a deep breath.
When she sang the word images, a flood of visions filled my mind. They started with memories of us dancing at prom, then became a vision of us talking while lying in her bed or bathed in sunlight in the meadow. Her memories quickly shifted to images of us in the forest when I left her. I relived my goodbye as I pressed my lips to her forehead and let them linger briefly before the images faded entirely, and her mind went blank.
She never glanced at me, although I was certain she must have known her shield had slipped. The memories she had shown me and their connection to her lyrics made my heart ache.
As she drew nearer to the bridge, I tensed. She had broken down last night during one of the lines, and Jasper had released her pain so suddenly I hadn't even gotten the chance to take in the words. I kept my eyes glued to her and prayed she could make it through the set-list.
She finally opened her eyes and turned her head to stare directly at me. I felt like we were the only two people in the room, possibly in the world, as Bella's eyes bore into mine.
"Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you; can't you just let me be?" She looked so sad and full of pain that I very nearly ran to her in that instant.
"So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. I should've known you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do…" She closed her eyes, and I felt a wave of pain pass over me. I gasped and trembled, nearly dropping to my knees.
'I love him, but it hurts. God, I love him, but I can't. Focus, Bella. Don't break,' she thought. Her mind was open to me – image after image she was detailing her fears and the memories of the days she had been alone. The images were of the time I had left her, and the nightmares she was plagued with every night of her waking life after that day.
"Bella…" I whispered. I groaned and stepped toward the stage, clenching my fists.
'Don't, Edward. Let her finish. She needs to finish,' Alice said silently.
I turned to look at her, confused. Had Alice seen something so quickly with her shield down?
Alice nodded once, confirming my suspicions, so I decided to trust her and wait. Watching Bella's pain was tearing me apart, but she had to finish. I wouldn't take that from her.
As Bella sang the bridge, I realized why it had been so hard on her the night before. It was the question she always wanted to know.
"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?" She stopped playing and stared at me. She didn't finish the song as she had last night, but she didn't address the crowd, either. She simply sat there and stared at me with sorrow in her eyes, begging for my answer.
I couldn't take it anymore, and I closed my eyes slowly, hunching my shoulders in defeat. I had pushed her so far away, broken her spirit, and shattered her faith.
"This is the last song. I've never shared it with anyone. Not even Garrett knew I would be sharing it with you all tonight. This is called Never is a Promise. No lights, please…" she requested.
The room went pitch black and soft whispers echoed through the crowded area. I heard Bella take a shaky breath into the microphone, causing me to whimper.
'Oh, Jesus, Edward. I don't think I can stay for this,' Jasper thought silently. He took a staggering step back, leaning against the guard rail, and gripped the metal tightly, nearly bending it in his hands. I glanced at Emmett, concerned.
'I got him,' Emmett thought.
"You promised," Bella whispered so quietly that none of the audience had heard her. Less than a second later, her fingers pressed down on the ivory keys as she leaned forward. Watching Bella play the piano was like watching a professional ballet dancer; her fingers were graceful and sure of their destination. Every bit of pressure was intentional. She leaned into each note, like she was playing with her entire body, not just her hands. The notes were intricate and somber, like a goodbye played on a musical instrument.
"Your presence dominates the judgments made on you." Her eyes were closed as her head swayed, pressing into the keys tenderly, like she was admiring a lover with her touch.
'She's focusing on love, but there is so much pain, agony and regret that she's struggling,' Jasper commented. He was visibly shaking with the concentration of holding her emotions back from the rest of the room.
I kept my eyes on her silhouette, taking in every stretch of her fingers and roll of her wrist. As she grew louder, she swayed and tossed her hair off her shoulder. Her profile was fully exposed to my gaze, and I drank in her image. Her lips parted and she drew in a breath as she opened her eyes and turned to look at me.
"But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie," she sang softly. Her eyes were laced with sorrow and pain. 'You promised you would never leave me,' she thought.
It felt like someone had dug through my chest and squeezed my dead heart in their burning hands. I gasped and clenched my fists.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered as I trembled.
She closed her eyes tightly and leaned back into the piano, continuing the song with more force. As she grew louder, the song picked up in tempo slightly. Her fingers flew across the piano making each of her movements more dramatic.
"You`l say, don`t fear your dreams, it`s easier than it seems. You`ll say you`d never let me fall from hopes so high." She turned, looking at Jasper and her eyebrows furrowed. 'You were right, but I'm not strong.' She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes, still turned towards us. "But never is a promise and you can`t afford to lie," she whispered. A quiet sob wracked her body as she played the notes harder. Once again, she leaned into each note, dancing with the piano and feeling the sorrow as she played.
"My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights!" she cried out, looking up at the ceiling. She sang the next line with intense strength, annunciating each word carefully. Her fingers paused over the keys as she took a deep breath.
Jasper's knees gave out and his body crumpled. Emmett caught him seconds before he hit the ground, but Jasper was groaning, and his jaw was rigid. Alice took his face in her hands and whispered to him. His body shook stiffly in Emmett's hands and none of us knew what to do.
"I can't… hold it…" he groaned.
"You`ll say you understand, you`ll never understand. I`ll say I`ll never wake up knowing how or why. I don`t know what to believe in, you don`t know who I am. You`ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry." She sang quietly, almost a whisper. She never turned to look at Jasper, or myself, or even open her eyes. I could hear her heavy breathing, and quick gasps for air.
'She's sobbing,' Esme said silently.
"But never is a promise and I`ll never need a lie…"
So many things happened at once, and I was completely overwhelmed. Bella's shield faded and I saw images flash through her mind. They started as moments between us when we first were getting to know each other, and quickly shifted to me lying beside her as she fell asleep. Those memories merged into her waking up from a terrifying nightmare, screaming, without me there.
Jasper stiffened in Emmett's grasp, taking deep, heavy breaths through his teeth. 'That. Tell me you heard something during that, because I swear to God, if her shield was still intact during that, I'm fucked,' he thought quickly as his eyes darted between Alice, Emmett and myself.
I nodded and swallowed, keeping my eyes locked on Bella.
"I saw her nightmares," I said quietly.
Bella struck the last key loudly and turned to stare at me.
'You can hear me?' she thought.
I nodded once, and swallowed.
She gasped and fled the stage. The crowd had begun to cheer and a faint emergency light had come on so the gear could be cleared, but there was no one on the stage.
I jumped onto the stage and ran after her, not looking back.
A/N: Alright. Play Alice. Next chapter? Next few chapters? GO! (Please?)
ffnet is full of fail this week. No one can see their traffic, or hits, and half of the alerts are going out. Appease me greatly by reviewing so I know you got this update.
Much Luv my sweets!
Song question for the chapter: A song that represents finding lost love again. Something familiar to you, that makes you feel light, brings a smile to your lips, and you find yourself lost in reverie.