DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
As Always: Thanks to my Beta, Blahx3, and my ficwife, OCDMess. You two constantly amaze me. Also, huge thanks to Jay for pre-reading, and Mayra, for agreeing to pre-read the next one, and getting her hubby to read this fic. -waves to hubby!- You guys are my awesome rocks.
A/N: So last chapter I asked what song reminded you of first, or lost love. For me, as cliche or ironic as it is: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love. It was 'our song' with my first boyfriend at the age of 13. He died later that same year.
Specific Playlist for this chapter: http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/view_play_list?p=8A8F5AD9366D1888
Papa Roach - Take Me
Depeche Mode - A Pain That I'm Used To
Linkin Park - What I've Done (by Heavensdust)
Our Lady Peace - 4AM (sung by the live audience)
30 Seconds To Mars - Was It A Dream
Hinder - Better Than Me
Hoobastank - The Reason
Stabbing Westward - Breathe You In
Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend
Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day
One Republic – Apologize (by BoyceAvenue)
Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have (still version)
Chapter 19
BPOV
Friday July 29th, 2006
Edward could hear me. I thought my shield was strong enough to block him, but apparently I was wrong. I ran off the stage and into our dressing room as Garrett followed me.
"Breathe, Bella. Breathe. Focus on your strength. Your shield is completely gone. I can help, but you have to weigh the decision for me," Garrett said quickly as he held my face in his hands.
I shook my head and took a deep breath. I focused on my shield and was just managing to strengthen it when Edward flew into the room.
"Are you alright, Bella?" he asked. He looked panicked.
"I'm fine. Thank you, Edward. I hadn't realized my shield had slipped so badly." I reinforced the pressure around my mind, eyeing Garrett until he nodded to inform me my core had faded.
"I… I know my words mean nothing to you, but I just wanted to apologize, again, for everything I've done to you and put you through. I know you didn't willingly show me those things and I honestly didn't mean to violate your thoughts in any way, but they just slammed into me. I truly am sorry, and I hope I haven't upset you further." Edward swallowed and stared at me with pleading eyes.
I took a deep breath and my throat burned. I swallowed and winced at the throbbing from my thirst, and nodded. "I accept your apology for entering my thoughts. You don't have much control over that; I do, and I let myself slip. It's as much my fault as it is yours. I… I'm just really overwhelmed right now."
"I can understand that. I really wish you would talk to me when you feel more comfortable. In the meantime, would you like to watch our show from the audience? We've changed our set-list a bit, and… they're all songs written for or about you." His eyes were fixed on mine, never blinking or looking away.
"I'll consider your offer. Thank you. You should probably get out there to set up, and we should probably take our equipment down," I said as I looked from Edward to Garrett quickly.
"I'll get it, Little-Bit. You kick back in here and focus on calming down," Garrett said with a half-smile, and walked out of the room.
Edward hesitated at the door, looking down at the ground, and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated, and looked back at me. "I really hope you consider listening to our show. I have no right to ask anything of you, but it would mean a lot to me." He hesitated for another moment before slipping out the door.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, sinking to the floor. I blocked out everything and pulled myself deeper into my mind. I focused on our music, pushing everything to do with Edward out of my head.
"Little-Bit? They are going on shortly. It's been twenty minutes. Did you want to go out there and watch the show?" Garrett sounded really far away and I had to struggle to hear him.
I slowly opened my eyes and everything came into focus. I blinked twice and slowly stood up. I nodded and he opened the door for me, waiting for me to walk out. We made our way to the side of the stage. I hopped over the guard rail and security told me we couldn't be there. I showed him my badge, and he rolled his eyes and waved me in. Garrett did the same, and soon we were standing right where Edward and his family had been during our performance. Garrett leaned against the railing but he was so tall he was practically sitting on it. I stood in front of him and felt his hand snake around my waist and pull me closer.
He bent down to my ear and whispered very softly, "I'm here if you need me, Bella. Just give my hand a squeeze."
I nodded once and squeezed his hand, expressing my thanks. He rested his hands on my hips and his thumbs slid into my pant's pocket as he straightened himself to his full height. The top of my head barely reached his shoulders, and my hips were resting against his thighs. It was a rather intimate position, but it wasn't romantic and neither of us thought anything of it. However, I'm sure the audience behind us would think we were a couple. I leaned my head back, resting it against his clavicle and closed my eyes. The scent of clove and cedar filled my lungs and I smiled just as the lights went out.
The crowd began to cheer, chanting "Virulent Disease." Garrett squeezed my hip gently and I opened my eyes. I watched the stage for any motion and spotted Jasper as he walked out first. He picked up his guitar as Alice practically danced onto the stage next and quickly made her way to the keyboard and mixer. It was probably too dark for the audience to see them walk onto the stage. Jasper watched Alice closely until she gave a thumb up. I wondered where Edward was and why they were starting without him as Jasper strummed the opening chords.
"Take me… and let me in. Don't break me… and shut me out." Edward's velvet voice flowed from the speakers, but I still couldn't spot him anywhere. Blue and green backlights flooded the stage and Jasper's silhouette as he leaned over his guitar. The crowd was screaming with enthusiasm. I stood up on my tip-toes and looked around, trying to spot Edward, but still couldn't find him.
"So take me, and let me in! Don't break me, and shut me out!" Edward sang louder as Jasper repeated the words from the stage. Spotlights swept the stage and the crowd erupted. Garrett gripped my hips and nudged me to the right. I looked to the side and gasped. Edward was walking on the guard rail directly toward me as the fans screamed, reaching up to grab him.
He sang as he slowly walked toward me, holding my gaze the entire time. He came to a stop when he was only two feet from me and knelt down, gripping the rail with his free hand. "This is just a story of a broken soul," he whispered into the microphone.
My breath caught and a shiver ran down my spine. He let go of the rail and brushed the back of his hand against my cheek, closing his eyes as our skin touched. I immediately thought of his hand against my cheek when he kissed me on my birthday before he left that evening, refusing to spend the night. He shuddered and dropped his hand before standing and jumping onto the stage. He tugged his hair as he bent down, screaming into the microphone.
I could hear the audience singing the lyrics behind me and I smiled at how popular they seemed to be. His stage presence was amazing and completely different than my own. I couldn't take my eyes off him as he sang and walked from one side of the stage to the other. He looked incredibly human, and I secretly tucked some of his movements away in my mind for later use in my own performance.
The lights dimmed and the spotlights swept the stage as Edward took a deep breath. "Does anyone around me feel the same? Put your fists up and vent your pain!" As the song ended, Edward fell to his knees and the crowd sang the last words for him.
The cheering was insane. I wanted to scream along with the audience, but my mind was still running through the lyrics and how much he must have been hurting while writing them.
"Thank you," he said once the cheering had died down. "We are Virulent Disease, and we want to thank you for being here tonight. Very special thanks to Beautifully Sacred for their dedication; your talent is remarkable. Jay, A and I are also in the sharing mood tonight. We've switched things around a bit and will be playing a new song as well as one we have never played live."
The crowd screamed and Edward smiled faintly. His golden eyes glowed in the low light and I couldn't look away. He was beautiful. When I was a human, I used to think of him as my personal Greek God, but now… with my perfect eyesight… he was delicious and seductive.
"We decided to share the meaning behind some of our songs tonight, so we would appreciate it if you guys would quiet down a bit in-between songs." There were shushing noises all throughout the venue and Edward chuckled softly. "Thank you. All of our songs are about a very special person to us; she was like a sister, our friend, and my love. This next one is about the guilt I've carried for the choices I've made, and the consequences of my actions. This is A Pain That I'm Used To."
The crowd screamed again as a loud, mechanical noise flooded the room. I couldn't tell exactly what was making the noise, but it sounded electrical, chaotic and painful. Is this noise a representation of how he felt, or does it hold some other meaning?
Alice looked at me as she pressed down on the keyboard and smirked. I smiled back and she looked down at what she was doing, immersing herself in the task at hand. Jasper moved in closer to the microphone and eyed me curiously. Edward sang the first line and Jasper joined him for the last word. Their voices melded together beautifully and formed a unique harmony. I smiled wider in awe of their talent.
Edward swayed back and forth, his shoulders squared and his arms tense as he gripped the microphone stand at the center of the stage. The lyrics sounded like poetry, and related words in an interesting manner. The tone and style of the song was entirely different from the first one they played. After the chorus, Edward seemed to tense up even more and I grew concerned. I glanced at Jasper, but he was watching Edward carefully. I could feel a slight bit of calm rolling off the stage, and I wondered how much Jasper had to help his brother.
"I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real. No mistaking the faking, I care," Edward sang, his voice tormented as he stared at me with sad eyes. Jasper sang the last word with his brother and glanced at me. Edward looked up at the ceiling as he sang the next line in a whisper. It was like he was pleading with Heaven as he sang of prayers and hope.
As the chorus grew faster and louder, the audience became louder as well. When the song ended, everyone was screaming but quieted down when Edward cleared his throat. His presence was demanding and his talent was inspiring, but I couldn't shake an aching pain in my heart as I watched him on stage, singing about me.
"We usually perform this next song in a heavier tone, but I'd like to play it for you all the way we originally wrote it. I think the meaning is a bit clearer this way. I wrote this after one of the most difficult days in my life. I had made the wrong choices, and karma finally served me the consequences." Edward stood in the center of the stage and stared directly at me. As the music began, he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry for my lies, Bella," he whispered so faintly that the audience probably couldn't hear him.
"Because I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies… so let mercy come, and wash away…" Edwards's voice was like liquid, and it flowed over me from head to toe; dowsing me in his pain and regret. A shiver ran down my spine and a sob escaped my lips. Garrett clutched my hips tighter. "To cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done."
The lights were dim and the music was gentle and rhythmic. His voice was soothing but filled with sorrow. I ached to touch him, hold him, but I forced my urges to the back of my mind and watched him through wide eyes. Could I forgive him? Could I learn to trust him? My gaze locked on his form, taking note of his habits and quirks when certain lyrics would affect him stronger than others: he would clench his fist, tapping his knuckles against his thigh when he seemed frustrated. Occasionally he would grip his hair tightly, tugging with his eyes closed, or wrap his free arm around his torso and take a deep breath between lines when he seemed to be trying to steady himself and not show too much emotion. He looked like he was trying to hold himself together, and all I wanted was to feel him in my arms, soothing his pain.
As the song neared the end, Edward seemed to relax infinitesimally. He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling like he was praying. "I'll start again and whatever pain may come. Today this ends; I'm forgiving what I've done." The words were only a whisper, and I wasn't sure if they were in the original song or not. He took a shaky breath and repeated the chorus in a hushed voice. The audience sang along with him quietly; some were even crying.
Somber applause and faint cheering drowned out the ending notes of the song and the lights dimmed once again. "Thank you," Edward said with a hushed voice. "This next song… I hardly ever sing myself. I wrote it when I wanted everything to go away. It was a confession of all of my sins. I have two major regrets in my life. One was a choice involving my father, and the other, my love. I only realized the mistakes I had made when it was too late. Sing this one for me; it's called Four AM."
The crowd whistled and cheered as Jasper played the opening chords. Edward walked to the edge of the stage with the microphone stand and jumped onto the guard rail. "I walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none," he sang quietly. He held the microphone stand out to the audience who picked up the next line for him. He closed his eyes and mouthed the words along with them. After a few lines, he took a deep breath and looked at me.
"I wrote this after we came back to Alaska from your funeral," he said quietly so only Garrett and I could hear him. "I thought about all of the wrong choices I had made in my life, and how much they hurt everyone I loved. I wrote this song as I stared at one of the first memories I had of you, and thought about killing myself."
I gasped and Garrett gripped me tighter. How could he ever think of killing himself after everything? Hadn't he remembered what I told him?
The audience began to cheer and Edward pulled the microphone back. "I blamed myself for being too much like… somebody else," he sang loudly, setting the audience back on course with the music. He held the microphone out to them and they continued the song. "I hate myself for leaving you and for letting your last memory of me be a lie. I hate myself for letting you believe I didn't love you, Bella. I detest myself," he whispered.
I choked back a sob and reached out toward him. "Edward…"
He pulled the microphone back and turned to look at me. His golden eyes pierced right through me as they shifted to a solid black. "And if I don't make it, know that I loved you all along. Just like sunny days that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded. And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong," he sang, his voice smooth and his eyes filled with sorrow. "Tell me what I can do to fix this, because I never want to lose you again," he pleaded softly as Jasper continued to play.
"I… I can't… Edward," I said, barely keeping my sobs at bay.
He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.
"I didn't mean it like that! I mean… I can't tell you what to do… I don't know," I said quickly, trying to find a way to get that pained look off his face. I'd do almost anything to never see that expression on his face again.
He nodded slightly and jumped back onto the stage as the song ended.
"Thank you. You guys were amazing. That's one of the best things that can happen for a band, having their fans sing their lyrics for them."
Alice left her spot at the mixer and sat on a box-drum beside Jasper. He re-aligned the microphone in front of it for her and smiled before turning back to his guitar stand.
"Have you ever felt something so amazing, that when you stepped back to get a good look at it all, it felt like a dream?" Edward asked, and at the word "dream" the entire audience erupted in cheers. "This next song is about that feeling, and watching it slip away," he said softly as Alice began beating a steady rhythm.
The sound of thunder rumbled throughout the room and the crowd cheered louder. Jasper began playing and the distortion effect he was using made me think of an ocean. The chords blended seamlessly and I was entranced by the melody for a few moments before Edward began singing. I focused on his lyrics, and closed my eyes.
I could picture myself sitting on the edge of a cliff as I watched the gray clouds roll in, the water crashing against the rocks. Edwards's lyrics lulled me into a trance and my breathing slowed and grew steady. When he reached a quieter part of the song, he let out a loud moan and whimpered. I felt my chest tighten and shuddered; I hated the sound of him in pain. Alice was beating a steady heartbeat rhythm and the subtle sound of rain could be heard underneath the instruments.
The music picked up, and Edward began singing again, but his voice was deeper, raspier. "A photograph of you and I… in love…" I could hear agony and remorse in his voice, and when I opened my eyes, I was startled to see that his onyx eyes were only four feet away from me. He was kneeling at the edge of the stage and looking right at me.
"You're so beautiful, Bella," he whispered. A faint smile crossed his lips and he closed his eyes. He took in a deep breath and smiled wider. "Freesias and lilac… how I've missed that smell."
I swallowed quickly and choked back a sob. If my heart were still beating, it would have skipped. I felt a sense of passion and love flood me, and I looked at Jasper. He smiled faintly and shook his head. These are my own emotions? I stared at Jasper, confused. He shrugged, smiling wider and closed his eyes.
The song came to an end, and the crowd started to cheer but Jasper had already transitioned into the next song. Edward threw his legs over the edge of the stage and sat down right in front of me. He held the microphone in his lap and stared at me sadly. He looked like an apologetic little boy, so lost and confused. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. He brought the microphone up to his lips and smiled, but it wasn't a pleasant smile.
"I think you can do much better than me. After all the lies that I made you believe. And guilt kicks in and I start to see, the edge of the bed where your night gown used to be…" Edward sang the words gently, almost like he was speaking them. He never looked away, and he didn't move a muscle. His jaw was rigid and he didn't appear to be breathing. His complete stillness was unsettling; even knowing that he wasn't human, it was intense. The thought of him being a Greek God entered my thoughts again and I smiled subtlety.
Jasper moaned into the microphone and the crowd cheered louder.
"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember… what it feels like beside you!" Edward pulled the microphone away as he sang the last few lyrics louder than the rest. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked at me, pained and full of regret.
"I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, and I think you should know this… you deserve much better than me." Edward held one hand toward me as he frowned. Garrett held onto my hips tighter as I stared into Edward's black eyes, trembling. "I'm so sorry…" he whispered.
He sang the next verse and chorus in the same spot, watching me shake and sob quietly. I didn't shed tears, but a subtle wetness coated my eyes and my vision was slightly blurred. It hurt so much to watch him sing to me with so much pain and sorrow in his eyes as he told me he didn't deserve me. The idea seemed strangely ironic to me. Not even a year ago, I felt that I didn't deserve him. I'd never deserve him, and because of that feeling, I understood why he left me. The memory of him leaving washed over me and I pushed it away, watching his performance instead of letting the past drag me down. He finally closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as he trembled.
"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder… wish I never would've said it's over, and I can't pretend. I won't think about you when I'm older because we never really had our closure…" His voice was raspy and I watched as he shook, singing the words he had written for me months ago. He opened his eyes and leaned forward, holding his hand out desperately. "This can't be the end!" he cried out.
I broke.
I sobbed and lurched forward, Garrett's fingers sliding from my pockets as I stumbled and my hand slammed into Edward's. He gripped my fingers tightly and I felt the familiar current of electricity run through my hand and up my arm, coursing through my body. I shivered and gasped for air as I stared into Edward's eyes. He slowly closed his lids, and a smile spread across his lips. He squeezed my hand and took a shaky breath. "Thank you," he whispered. He opened his eyes and they were amber again. He slowly released the grip on my fingers, and let my hand fall.
I felt hope, admiration, desire, longing, and lust, but most of all, love. It flooded my heart, sending a strange chill throughout my veins, and filled my lungs with a breath of fresh air. Honeysuckle and rain overtook my sense of smell and I smiled brightly.
Jasper had finished singing the song along with the audience as Edward and I stared into each other's eyes. I looked at Jasper but he was staring at Edward with a faint smile on his lips. I looked back at Edward and his whole face seemed to light up as he grinned. He stood up and walked back to the center of the stage.
"This next one was the first song I wrote for our CD. It's always held a special meaning to me, but most of all, it's my apology." Edward looked back down at me and smiled brighter than before. "For you," he mouthed.
The room filled with the sound of the keyboard and was overcome by a huge roar of cheering. I recognized the intro as the song from the radio, and instantly knew the lyrics. An apology? He's truly been sorry this whole time? Ever since he left me?
"I'm not a perfect person!" Edward cried out over the audience. "There are many things I wish I didn't do… but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you." He held my gaze and kept smiling; he looked like he had found a new energy and it was bringing him back to life. The lyrics were filled with sorrow, but his voice sounded victorious and hopeful.
"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new!" he screamed. He took in a deep breath and sighed, closing his eyes. "And the reason is you," he whispered.
I suddenly felt a wave of happiness and hope course through my body and I glanced at Jasper. He was smiling and staring at me as he played. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he nodded toward Edward.
These are the emotions Edward is feeling right now?
I let the emotions rejuvenate me and took a deep breath. I leaned back against Garrett and a moan escaped my lips. Garrett's chest rumbled with a chuckle and I smiled contentedly.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you… it's something I must live with every day. And all the pain I put you through… I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears…" Edward sang softly. He had opened his eyes and wrapped his arm around his torso. He looked distraught again, but I still felt the hope flooding through me from before.
He sang the chorus louder, running to the edge of the stage and leaning over. His voice filled the room as he sang to the crowd and they screamed the words back. By the time the song ended, the crowd was out of control. I glowed with happiness as I watched Edward enjoy himself on stage. He truly loved singing as much as I did, and his lyrics hit home, really emphasizing that Jasper and Garrett were right; Edward was truly sorry for everything, and has always wanted me in his life… his arms.
"Alright, alright… thank you!" Edward said enthusiastically, his smile and chuckle making my heart feel light. "This next song…" The crowd quieted down quickly and he chuckled once more. "This next song we actually wrote this morning. We want to share it with you all, but please forgive any mistakes."
Jasper began strumming the acoustic guitar, focusing on the rhythm. The crowd applauded and whistled but died down quickly as Edward began the next melody. I knew the song had probably been written about me, and the electricity coursed through me as my excitement grew.
"I'm still afraid to feel, afraid to lose someone again. I wish that somehow I could leave my past behind, my fears behind, if I could only breathe you in!" Edward sang with a smooth and graceful tone. Jasper echoed the last few words a second later and Edward repeated them again. "Every drop of you…" Edward sang seductively. His eyes flicked to me and he grinned.
A shiver ran down my spine and I looked down at the ground. If I could still blush, I would have. I was filled with so many mixed emotions and I couldn't focus on any of them. A wave of lust passed through me and I gasped, glancing at Jasper. He quirked his eyebrow at me and shrugged. I looked at Edward, watching him sing, and shivered again. Jasper really needed to stop throwing emotions around if he wanted to finish their set.
"Why am I afraid to feel, when all I really want is you? To taste your skin… to share your thoughts… would never be enough for me," Edward sang in a deep, alluring voice.
I trembled and bit my lower lip, tugging at the flesh, and looked away. He's doing this on purpose. That little sneak. Focus, Bella. You can't forgive him yet; he hurt you too much. My mind and heart waged a war as I listened to the rest of the song, torn on which emotions to follow.
The song faded out slowly and the crowd cheered and whistled. I wondered what song they were going to play next and ran through the ones I could remember from last night.
Alice stood up from her box-drum and walked across the stage toward Edward. He passed her the microphone, and I instantly realized which song was next. Alice looked down at me and smiled.
"Good evening, Juneau, Alaska! We hoped you liked our newest song. This next one was written for a dear friend of mine, and I'm so glad to have her back in my life. I never stopped missing her or thinking about her, and I hope she knows that." Alice looked behind her, glancing at Edward as he took a seat at the piano. The lights went out and two spotlights came on from behind both of them. Alice's silhouette looked so small in comparison to the guys'.
I took a step forward and leaned against the apron of the stage. I crossed my arms on the ledge and rested my head against it, peering up at Alice. She smiled back down at me as the piano notes flooded the room. I wanted to forgive her, forgive all of them, but I didn't want them to think that what they had done was trivial to me. Nothing should ever be trivial. I fought over the right thing to do, and the easy thing to do as she sang the first few lines with her eyes closed and a faint smile on her lips. When she sang of my silence, she furrowed her brows and frowned.
"Dear friend, you are so precious, dear friend." She took a shaky breath and held it in. She clenched her fist and belted out the next few lines louder than before. "Dear friend, please don't feel like you're alone. There is someone who is praying, praying for your peace of mind." She opened her eyes and smiled at me sadly. "Hoping joy is what you find."
She continued to sing beautifully, staring at me through sad but hope-filled eyes. I watched her with my head resting on my arms and felt overwhelmed by her love. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her I didn't blame her anymore. I glanced at Jasper and furrowed my brows. I pushed all of my love toward him and then glanced back at Alice. She gasped as she sang and shivered. Her smile grew until it seemed to reach her eyes and she glowed with happiness. I smiled back at her and nodded.
I could forgive them. I would forgive the pain they put me through, and the time spent away from me, but I wouldn't ever let them forget it. They broke my trust, and ruined a lot of things, like my family and my future. We all had a lot of ground to cover before things would ever be right again, but I was ready to open myself up and take the first step.
When she finished the song and the lights went out again, she ran to the edge of the stage and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thank you," she whispered through a tearless sob. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you so much, Bella. I've missed you."
"Thank you, that was beautiful," I whispered, squeezing her tightly, trying to put as much happiness and acceptance into a simple hug as I could.
She slowly pulled back and looked into my eyes. "These next three songs are incredibly hard for him. Just listen to the lyrics, okay?" she said in the softest whisper.
I nodded and released my arms from around her neck. She smiled back brightly before running to the box-drum.
"Can we get the special lighting for this next song please?" Jasper asked, looking up to the sound and light booth.
"Thank you. This next song… was my goodbye. The lyrics are more literal than most would think. We were at a funeral for someone very dear to us, and watched the sun set as a fire burned in her memory. There was no body to bury and no real ashes to scatter, so we watched as the smoke rose toward the heavens and the sun set over the ocean."
The audience was silent for the first time during their set as the lights dimmed. A faint blue light came on in the background as Alice beat a steady rhythm. Edward pressed a button on the keyboard and walked to the center of the stage. My eyes were glued to his figure.
He brought his hand toward his body and beat it against his chest in rhythm with the drum. "Sometimes goodbye's the only way," he sang softly. The light in the back changed to a faint yellow-orange. "And the sun… will set for you… the sun… will set for you." He furrowed his brows and drew in a quick breath. "And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray," he sang louder and the lights faded into a dark gray at his mention of the word. "And the sun… will set for you…" He opened his fist and pressed his palm against his chest, the color of the light shifting back into an orange hue.
Every move he made was slow and drawn out, matching the tempo of the song. His voice was somber, and he looked rather distraught. My chest ached as it had when I was human and I brought my fist to my chest as I drew in a deep breath.
During the first few lines of the next verse, his face was twisted into a grimace and his body was tense. This song seemed to really cause him some kind of emotional pain. The lights shifted into a light pink-orange and the drums grew louder. "Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple… sometimes goodbye's the only way!" he cried out, gasping as his voice cracked on the last word. He clenched his fist and held it to his temple, tapping quickly in rhythm with the drum beat. It looked as though he were trying to hurt himself, but there wasn't enough force behind the movement to cause damage, even if he were human.
The lights shifted once more into a pink-purple and grew in intensity. They're recreating a real sunset with the stage lights! I gasped as Edward stretched his hand up toward the ceiling and rocked up and down on his toes like he was jumping, but never leaving the ground. It was like he was trying to reach up to Heaven. I wondered what happened at my funeral, if Renee and Phil had been there, if Charlie had said anything. My thoughts raced and my chest ached at the memories of my parents as I listened to Edward. "And the sun… will set for you!" I heard him sob once, but push on to the next line.
The backlight shifted quickly to a gray once again as Edward gasped. "And the shadow of the day… will embrace the world in gray… and the sun… will set for you," he whispered. The lights faded back into a deep purple and slowly shifted into a midnight-blue. The song grew faster, reaching the crescendo, and my breath caught. Edward crumpled to the ground and curled into a ball as Jasper played a guitar solo. Garrett's grip on my hips tightened as I felt my body lunge forward out of instinct to protect Edward. I reminded myself of our surroundings and took a deep breath.
The lights slowly dimmed back into a faint gray and Edward arched back up, staring at the ceiling. "And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray!" Edward leaned forward and dropped his gaze back down to me. "And the sun will set for you…" he whispered, staring into my eyes.
The meaning of the lyrics resonated with me, and my heart felt as though it were being tugged on harshly. He wrote this as he watched my funeral. He was my world, my sun, my moon, and when he left my whole existence became gray. Edward felt the same way. His sun set the day he thought I had died, never to rise again, just as mine had when he left.
The lights faded out completely as Alice played a soft keyboard solo, letting the last note linger. There was silence for a moment before the crowd cheered and applauded. They didn't scream and holler as they had before, but instead seemed to show their appreciation for the song.
"Thank you. These next two… I can't explain really. They are raw emotion: pain, regret, grief, and sorrow… I'm sorry, my love… so sorry." Edward retreated to the piano as Jasper put his guitar back on the stand. I watched the stage eagerly for the next song. I was already so lost in my own emotions that I could barely fathom what Edward must have been feeling, let alone Jasper being stuck between the two of us.
How Jasper manages to play these shows with so many emotions around him is beyond me.
The stage remained entirely dark and Edward leaned into the piano. He pressed down with a fierce movement and let the notes flow effortlessly. When he began to sing, my breath caught and my hand flew to my lips. This is the song he finished the concert with last night… the song he called out my name during.
"…And say…" he whispered. Alice joined in, playing a quick rhythm on her drum. His fingers flew across the piano as he leaned into each note. "It's too late to apologize, it's too late!" he cried out, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.
"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. I need you like a heart needs a beat," he sang deeply. His voice was pained and it cracked again as he choked back a sob.
"Sorry like the angel Heaven let me think was you…" He paused, his fingers stilling over the piano as he took in a deep breath. He turned and looked at me with dark, sorrow-filled eyes.
"But I'm afraid!" he screamed out and I gasped.He leaned back into the piano, squeezing his eyes shut and pressed down on the keys passionately.
Alice and Edward began playing at the same time and he sang the chorus again, crying out the lyrics with intensity. My chest ached so badly that I clung to the ledge of the stage. His fingers moved across the ivory keys as if he was dancing, and I couldn't tear my eyes away.
The song came to a close and I stared, fixated on Edward. He slowly turned to face me in the dark and swallowed. "Please… complete silence during this song," he said softly into the microphone and the crowd quieted instantly.
I felt a giant wave of calm crash over me and I eyed Jasper curiously. He looked at me, then back to Edward, concern evident in his eyes. Jasper walked to the edge of the stage and hopped off, joining me. Alice followed him and stood on the other side of me and wrapped her arm around my waist.
"He cried during this song, Bella. We walked into the house after driving down from Alaska and heard him playing this. We've never seen him look like he did that night. He looked feral, and completely destroyed," Jasper said quietly.
My eyes grew wide as I looked back up at Edward. He was sitting very still at the piano and taking deep breaths. He slowly stretched his hands out over the keys, letting them hover above the ivory for a long moment before he played the first note. One note flowed seamlessly into the next, and soon he was playing a haunting melody. A shiver ran down my spine and I held my breath.
"I still recall the taste, of your tears… echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore…" he whispered. His voice was raw, and it tore at my heart. He sang like he was the only person in the entire room.
The rhythm changed slightly and the song grew louder. "You make this all go away, you make it all go away… I just want something… I just want something I can never have…" He turned and stared at me but it was like he was looking right through me. His eyes were black and he looked completely empty. I could almost feel my dead heart break in two at the sight of him. He closed his dark eyes and sighed softly, continuing the haunting melody. It caused a shiver to run down my spine and my fingers dug into the wood stage, cracking it.
"You always were the one to show me how. Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart. Gray would be the color… if I had a heart…" He pressed on the keys harder, accentuating the notes as he sang the chorus louder.
I was trembling and Jasper's control was doing little for my emotions. I felt someone grip my waist tightly but I couldn't peel my eyes off of Edward to see who it was. I had to keep myself from shielding him out of instinct; I hated seeing him so distraught. The grip on my waist tightened as the song grew louder.
"Everywhere I look… you're all I see…" Edward whispered painfully. He struck the next note and I could see it crack under his finger. "Just a fading… fucking reminder of who I used to be!" he screamed out loudly.
I gasped and reached out for him; splinters under my nails and my hand shaking. His pain is my pain. When he hurts, I hurt.
"You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself!" he cried out, his voice cracking as he shook. He looked like he was so far away, in a different time and place and I could never reach him there. "You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I just want something!" He sobbed, gasping for air. "I just want something I can never have…"
Edward stop! Your pain is my pain, I pleaded silently.
He gasped and his fingers stilled over the ivory keys. I felt the odd sensation of warmth and familiarity in the back of my mind, and I realized I had shielded him, but not with an independent shield… with my own shield.
'Bella?' Edward thought.
Edward! I jumped onto the stage and ran to him. My body collided with his and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and burying his face in my hair. I breathed in his scent and a shiver ran through me, mixing with the current from his touch.
'Heaven could never smell so sweet… your mere existence fills me with bliss, but not nearly as much as the feel of you in my arms. My Bella…' he said silently.
I fell limp in his arms and let him pull me toward his chest. He lifted me from the piano bench and carried me backstage into his dressing room. I felt his chest faintly vibrating and I realized he was purring. I pressed my nose to his chest and took in another deep breath.
Honeysuckle and rain…
"Bella… I can still hear you, love," he said softly.
"Oh…"
I struggled with the idea of keeping my primary shield around him or not, and decided against it. I wasn't ready for him to hear my un-edited thoughts. He seemed to slump slightly as I faded the strength of my shield from him. I felt the warmth and comfort dissolve in the back of my mind and immediately missed it. Once my shield was only around me, I realized that I had heard Edward's thoughts. I had shielded him with my personal, primary shield, and it allowed me to hear what he was thinking. Did he realize that? Should I say anything? Before I could open my mouth to mention it, Edward spoke.
"I won't ask you what you're thinking… but I am curious as to what you are feeling." He brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and pulled me tighter toward his chest. The electric current flowed through me each time he adjusted his hold, or touched me. I shivered again at the feeling and sighed. I felt so light, and my chest didn't ache at all. My breathing came easily and it felt refreshing to fill my lungs with his scent.
"Confused. Scared. Hurt. Angry. Happy. Hopeful." I mumbled each word and closed my eyes.
"I can live with the last two, but can you explain the others for me?" He gently stroked my spine, his fingertips gliding over my bare back. It's good to know Garrett's taste in clothing brought me some comfort tonight.
"I'm confused because I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me right now. I'm scared you're going to leave or lie to me again. I'm hurt because you're hurt. I can't explain it, but every time you seemed like you were in pain, my chest ached. I'm angry because you lied, and I can't forgive you for that. I can't believe you yet, and I want to so badly. I want nothing more than to trust you, but you broke me, Edward." I swallowed again, choking back the sobs that threatened to betray my strength and clutched his shirt tightly in my hand.
"Bella…" he said softly. The way my name rolled off his tongue brought back so many memories and I had to fight being drowned by them. I tensed and he seemed to notice. "Bella," he said more firmly.
I opened my eyes and looked up at him through my lashes. Don't hurt me again, I pleaded silently, but I knew he couldn't hear me.He continued to lightly stroke my skin, soothing me and holding my gaze.
"I'm sorry I lied to you. I can never take that back and it hurts so much to know that I can't erase those words from our history. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll repeat the words until the end of time. I'll sit at your feet and plead for as long as you will grace me with your presence. I'll do anything for you, Isabella. Yet, I know that it will never be enough. I know that I can never earn your forgiveness, but I pray that someday I can regain your trust, and I will strive for that for as long as I exist," Edward whispered, staring into my eyes and pleading with me.
My heart felt heavy again and my head was foggy. I tried to breathe but just gasped. The scent of his breath as he spoke filled my lungs and I whimpered. He gripped my waist tightly and held a hand to my cheek, cradling my face in his palm.
"Bella… please talk to me. Can I do anything to ever regain your trust?" he said gently, stroking his thumb along my cheekbone.
I swallowed and closed my eyes, biting on my lower lip for a second. "I don't know. I don't know what to say. I'm so confused and hurt; you crushed my heart," I whispered. Edward's thumb stopped moving and I could hear him swallow and take a shaky breath. I opened my eyes and looked back up at him. "You broke me the day you left; my heart, my soul, my spirit, my trust. I honestly believe that we are meant for each other. I do. But my heart hurts so much sometimes, with and without you by my side. I don't know how to repair the damage. It's not just your lies; it's what you thought of me."
"What do you mean? I loved you! I still do. How can you say—"
"No, let me finish," I said, pressing a finger to his lips. His smooth skin brushed against mine and he puckered his lips gently, kissing my finger as he nodded. I smiled faintly at the gesture and took a deep breath, lowering my hand to his chest and gripping his shirt. "You said that you didn't want me, that I wasn't good for you. Yes, they may have been lies, but you never thought of my love as equal to yours. You always thought I loved you with as much as a human could manage, as much as an infatuation, or fleeting desire. I loved you more than that! I loved you just as much as you loved me, and you walked away!
"Don't you see that it didn't matter if I was human or not? We're connected, Edward. Our souls are joined, and it didn't matter who was human and who was a mythical creature; that kind of love is unbreakable. Our kind of love is unbreakable.
"I've never stopped loving you. I hate you for how much you hurt me and how you belittled me, throwing my feelings away, but I still love you. I still ache when you're away, and I still hurt when you're in pain. You cried when you thought I had died, and I cried when I was near you again. We both cried at the parting, and re-uniting of our souls. Don't you see that?" I pleaded with my eyes for him to see, to understand. My fingers dug into his shirt firmly, creating little slits from my fingernails. I ached to touch his skin, to feel the current, but my head told me to be still and wait for him to respond.
Edward's eyes were like black pools of sorrow. He stared at me, his eyebrows gathering more and more as he processed what I had said. He nodded stiffly and took in a shallow breath.
"I'm sorry, Bella—"
"Stop apologizing!" I screamed in frustration. His shirt ripped in my fists as I tugged and took a deep breath. "Three words won't change anything, Edward, and the more you say them, the less meaning they hold."
He nodded and blinked, taking a shaky breath before trying to speak again. "You're right. Saying it won't get us anywhere. I made a mistake, a lot actually, and I'm going to have to pay for them for eternity. I never meant to belittle you, or make you feel that your love was not as strong as mine. I realize the error of my ways and I'm trying to learn from it. I'm trying to be a better man for you, and listen to you. I was always pressing my decisions on you and never letting you know what was going on. I sheltered you, and I never meant for that. I didn't know how to protect you without locking you away or leaving entirely. I made rash decisions without your input, and I was condescending. I apologize, and I'm trying to make up for that.
"I won't be perfect overnight, and I won't promise to not make the same mistakes, but I can promise to try, every day, and I'll listen to you. I can promise to love you, unconditionally, and include you in every decision, weighing your opinion just as heavily as my own. I can promise to try to be a better man for you, Isabella; earning your trust and respect. I can promise to always show you the respect and privacy that you deserve and need.
"Please, Bella, give me a chance to show you that I can be what you want, and what you need."
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his. I breathed in his scent; his breath washing over me and distracting me. His hand slid down my back again with a feather-light touch and I shivered. I weighed the decision heavily, and felt my chest ache. My heart pulled me one direction, while my head pulled me in the other. No one could tell me what to do or make my decision for me. I took in a deep breath, the taste of him tickling at the back of my throat, and nodded.
"Okay," I whispered.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
"I could fly," he whispered and I smiled faintly. My heart felt instantly lighter and the weight on my chest seemed to lift again. "May I kiss you, Isabella?"
My breath caught and I swallowed. I hesitated, trying to tell myself that it was too soon, that is wasn't safe, but my heart betrayed my mind and I nodded. His fingers curled around the exposed skin of my hip as his other hand held my cheek, rubbing along my jaw gently. I smelled his sweet breath, and felt the moist air as he exhaled against my lips. I fisted his torn shirt and pulled him toward me slightly as my other hand snaked behind his neck and slid into his hair.
Our skin touched and we each gasped as we parted our lips, allowing the other entrance. My lip ring turned between us as I felt his tongue glide across my lower lip. He took my lower lip in his teeth gently and sucked it between his own. His tongue slid over my ring, and he slowly released my bottom lip, still holding the ring gently between his teeth.
I moaned softly and slid my hand further into his hair and gripped it tighter. He moaned in response and released my lip ring, pressing his head against my forehead and taking shallow breaths before moving toward my lips once more. He crashed into them with more force and his tongue slid into my mouth. I moaned at the feeling of his soft flesh dancing against mine completely un-prohibited.
I gripped his hair tighter and tugged, pulling him closer. My chest heaved as I gasped for air out of habit, breathing in his scent instead. He pressed his nails into the flesh at my hips and I moaned – squirming beneath his hands, trying to get closer to him.
He moaned louder and slowly pulled back as his thumb stroked my jaw. I whimpered at the loss of his touch as he kissed me gently on the forehead. "How I've missed you," he purred, pressing his lips to each eyelid gently.
"It never lasts long enough," I whimpered.
He chuckled and pulled me into his arms tightly, squeezing me against his chest as he kissed the top of my head. "We have eternity, my love. It never has to end," he whispered.
A/N: -random incoherent screams- I know, right? Alright. SPILL! I want opinions, ideas, comments, anything! TALK!
Important side note: The next chapter may take two weeks. I have finals coming up, and lots of homework. I also have written this entire story with a 5 chapter 'buffer'... which... is now gone. You guys are caught up, and I only have the next chapter written. So, I need to catch up, and finish my finals. I'll be back soon though, I promise. At least I left you with a kiss! And I hope you all leave me tons of comments to keep me company, because we all know that homework is not good company.
Song question for the chapter: (Thanks to Suntitan!) What one song has just been played to death, and you used to love but have grown sick of? I wouldn't be surprised if one of these concert songs is on your list. It's on mine!
Much love to everyone, you guys make this experience amazing.