Discarded barren bottles lay scattered around the small bedroom, painting the once bright childlike atmosphere in a more sinister hue. Furniture lay broken and thrown about as if a storm had swept through the room. The air was laden with the scent of alcohol and sweat, giving the room a musky feel to it. In the bed, a bundle of blankets lay atop a steadily breathing figure. Bundles of clothes hung loosely from the frame at the bottom of the bed while more decorated the rest of the room, seemingly thrown around with no intention of being picked up.
Tearing my eyes from the scene I drew myself even further into the recesses of the corner I currently found myself wedged into, the corner opposite the door and directly across from the bed. Taking deep breaths I tried to quiet my rapidly beating heart and settle the small tremors that were shaking my body.
I'm fine, this is fine. So what? I drank a bit...and when I did Himiko came by and we….w-we….
Clenching my eyes shut I bit back the tears, trying to regain control of myself. Himiko hadn't forced herself onto me but I hadn't really been completely in the right mind either.
I had wanted it hadn't I? But she wasn't really herself, she changed into some...some guy. So what? She's done so much for you. You're not gonna let her enjoy herself? You should be thankful she even looks at you with any interest. Stop being so selfish. But..It didn't feel good...it doesn't feel good.
Shuddering I glanced at the somewhat full bottle to my right and grabbed it, hesitating once before swiftly emptying the bitter contents of the bottle down my throat. Fighting back the urge to spit it back up, I drew myself coser into a ball and waited until I felt my insides warm and the light haze numb my thoughts. Placing the now empty bottle back where I found it, I leaned my head back against the wall and wiped at the damp streaks beneath my eyes.
What am I doing here? This isn't right, I'm not right. Little late for that, you're stuck here no one else wants you. Here you're wanted, here you're needed.
Hoisting myself up I dragged myself to the door, careful not to tread too loudly and potentially wake Himiko. Easing the door open as silently as I could manage I slipped out into a long corridor that attached Himiko and my room to the bathroom and the winding staircase that led downstairs to the bar that it all resided above. Making my way to the bathroom I immediately ran the water and threw off the long night shirt I had been wearing. Steering clear of the mirror I sat at the edge of the tub and watched it begin to fill.
I'll be starting U.A. soon. Spring will start and with it so will classes.
The stray thought was laced with fearful apprehension, it had been a few months since I had completed the exam and the wait was killing me. Then there was Kurogiri, who had made sure I was made aware of my blunder within the exams when I had reported my performance to The master. Reflexively I brought a hand up to my throat, tracing the the scar that now ran along my collarbone, difficult to detect unless you knew where to look. Feeling my cheeks heat up with shame, I ripped my fingers away and back down to my side.
I deserved this, he had warned me about detection quirks and I just sat there and let her study me, putting the whole plan in jeopardy. This is wrong, it would be good if you were caught. You know this is wrong. No, this is to help people…. You just want to save your own skin. Scared to be thrown in jail. Shut up!
The feeling of water slapping against tile broke me from my thoughts, peering down at the now overflowing tub a small sigh escaped me.
Damn it.
Reaching forward I quickly twisted the valve, cutting off the flow of warm water, and eased myself into it choosing to deal with the overflow after my bath. Closing my eyes I tried leaning my head back and focusing on clearing my rapidly clouding mind. An image of a morphed Himiko jumped into my head almost immediately, panting heavily in an overly disturbing way. Submerging myself further into the water, I stretched out a hand for the face cloth that had been resting on the lip of the tub. Bringing it to my body I began to scrub at my skin, softly massaging away the sweat and grime that clung to me.
You'll never clean it away.
My hand wavered and tightened around the cloth as I felt my jaw clench tightly at the words that flitted through my mind. Pushing the cloth harder against my skin I scrubbed violently against the torrent of thoughts that began to pour through my brain. The sinister expression that lit up Tomura's face as he watched my acceptance video. The taste of bitter liquid as it swept down my throat, taking with it my inhibitions and worries. The hungry look in Himiko's eyes, my hands fumbling at her clothes as I stumbled against her trying to stop the room from spinning. Weight crushing down on top of me as I gazed up into Himiko's now unfamiliar face, the feeling of blood trickling down my inner thigh, unsettling panic gripping me as I became fully aware of what was happening.
You wanted it. But not like that, not with her like that. You're lucky she puts up with you at all. You might as well make yourself useful to her before she leaves you.
My now raw skin bristled against the coarse material of the cloth, a wave of helpless anger flared as I whipped the fabric against the far wall, a cry of anguish bubbling up from within me. A soft rhythmic pounding beginning to rage within my head as I felt my blood began to seep out of my eyes and nose.
Shut up! I can do what I want with whom I want and I don't have to feel bad about it! But you do, it didn't feel right, it didn't feel good. It didn't make your pain or your fears go away. This is just who you are now, how you'll always be.
"FUCK!"
Slamming my fist against the tiled wall I felt my knuckles split, releasing a torrent of blood that pierced a hole right through to the hallway that lay beyond it. The fog of light headedness pooled at the back of my head but it did little to quell the rage that continued to build. Wrenching myself up out of the water I stormed over to the mirror, kicking a stool that lay in my path. Grabbing the large tube of foundation makeup, that lay within the mirror's cupboard, and angrily applying a huge amount to my shoulders and everything above them. Staring into the blank eye sockets of the mannequin like creature that peered back at me through the mirror, I bitterly began to trace out the numerous scars that littered my body. My fingers halted their advance as they found the large hideous burn that took up most of my right side. I felt my eyes water as an intense pain erupted at the base of my skull. Crying out in a mixture of anguish and bitter helplessness, I fiercely tore the mirror from the wall and threw it against the tiled floor, shattering it and cracking the tile. Sliding down to the ground I cradled my head in my hands, wincing as another wave of pain rolled through me.
Why?! Why can't I just be okay? What is wrong with me?
I awoke to a bottle being forcibly removed from my hand, an angry set of eyes bearing down on me in an unmistakably judgemental way. Reaching a hand up I massaged my temples, blocking the shadowy man from view.
"Miss Hagakure! It is four in the morning of your first day at U. A. this is no way to be behaving! You positively reek of alcohol, I know you are under a lot of stress but you must keep yourself in check or you will jeopardize this mission and I need not remind you what happens then, do I?"
A small chuckle broke my chapped lips as my hand slipped down from my face, clenching my fingers into a fist I extending my middle finger and waved it inches from his face, knowing full well that he saw none of it.
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry your misty little head off. I got this, and if I don't whatever you'll just kill me right?"
Huffing in indignation Kurogiri folded his arms against his chest and moved behind the bar I had been resting on to replace the bottle I had plucked.
"You've been increasingly unpleasant these past few months, after your little melt down where you destroyed your room, the bathroom, and lest we forget a good portion of my bar! So please, get ready for school and start acting like a proper well mannered child or I will be forced to teach you another lesson, am. I. understood?"
Stopping my hands from their reflexive ascent to the scar that ran along my collarbone I slid off my stool and grumbled out an answer before making my way up to the bathroom to get ready.
Why are you doing this it's like you want him to hurt you. I'd deserve it so it's fine. No it's not!
Exiting the shower after a quick wash, I dried myself and slipped on my uniform. Satisfied that everything fit, I looked down at the gloves that the others had gotten me. They were supposed to help me fit in better, get along with the other students better. But instead all they served to incite were memories of the great lengths I went to just to be understood and included. Throwing the gloves down in disgust I put on my uniforms jacket and headed out before my nerves could get the better of me.
Once again Kurogiri opened a portal down the street from the school for me and once again the familiar feeling of my stomach collapsing in on itself, as I was transported halfway across the city, made me come close to losing the pitiful brew I had swirling around in my stomach. Steadying myself against the brick wall I took long calming breaths to ease the sudden motion sickness that gripped me.
Shit, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. I was always terrible when it came to driving in cars or trains, but this is like a hundred times worse.
Making my way towards U.A., whose building seemed to loom up in the distance dwarfing most if not all of the surrounding buildings, I felt myself being almost choked by my rising nerves.
Damn, I need a drink. Shut up you stupid alcoholic, just go in there and act natural, it's not as if they are going to see right through you. That was a terrible joke. Yeah well you're talking to yourself so who's the real joke here?
Stifling a burgeoning sigh at my apparent deteriorating sanity, I turned my attention to the rabble of reporters that crowded the front gate. Nearing the gates I began to make out some of the questions they seemed to be directing at the students who were entering the academy grounds.
"Hey, You the one with the spikey hair. How do you feel about All Might teaching? Wait, aren't you the one from sludge villain incident? Of course you would end up at U.A.! We had projected polls for our viewers and seventy percent had you as a graduate of U.A.. You must be so excited to have your savior teach you at the school."
"Piss off!"
"Oh a fiery one, you can tell he is ready to get to learning today ladies and gentlemen. Excuse me, you with the green curly hair and the plain looking face, yes, you. How does it feel to have All Might, the most renown hero in history, take you and your classmates under his wing?"
"W-well it's a great honor, I-I always really looked up to him and I look forward for his cont- I-I mean the beginning of his tutelage!"
Listening to the students answers in front of me I felt a rising air of excitement begin to fill me as I prepared for their questions, giddily reciting a couple in my head as I entered the mass of reporters. Gradually the excitement simmered and died as I slowly made my way through the crowd without a single member of the press asking me for any input. Finally, as I came to a halt on the other side of the gate, I hung my head in defeat.
What did you expect? To wear the uniform and instantly become someone? I thought maybe they were asking everybody One look at you and they know they aren't gonna get the footage they want, no expression, no relatable childlike wonder etched onto a young adults face as she enters a new stage of her life, you are no story worth covering.
"H-Hello Hagakure. I-it's ever so nice to see you again"
Stiffening slightly at the use of my family name I turned around to see Komori shuffling towards me, her head cast slightly downward so that her long bangs shielded her eyes from view. She had chosen to sport the longer skirt that we were supplied with and had her bag nestled in her arms and held close to her chest. Komori tightened her grip on the bag, hunching over it a bit as I turned to greet her, nerves apparently getting the better of her. My own seemed to spike as I recalled the stern warning I had been given about spending any prolonged time with the girl. What I should've done was immediately bow my head, apologize for my rudeness, and make a hasty retreat, instead I stood there slack jawed and only managed to get out a "Oh, Hey" in response.
"I must tell you I'm so incredibly delighted to find that you have also made it into U.A. Hagakure, We had such a wonderful chat prior to the exam that I found myself speculating if this exact moment would come to pass. OH! Perhaps we are in the same class, I'm in class one B."
Knowing that she could see me with her quirk I shifted nervously in place before realizing that I had no idea how to act in front of her. Trying desperately to conceal the panic that I was feeling, I managed to force out a small grin hoping that it was the right expression.
How should my hands be? Is it weird to have them flat against my legs? Should I talk with them like I usually do? Are my eyes too wide right now and what about my mouth? Fuck! She must think I look ridiculous. Shit just say something you dunce!
"Ah, yes. You were! Nice I mean, and so was the chat! Uh yeah so class. I'm in one A. That is not the one you are in."
Tilting her head to the left Komori straightened up from her somewhat hunched position, her mouth slanting into a perplexed expression. She seemed to struggle with her response, opening her mouth as if to speak and then immediately closing it in frustration. After doing this a few times Komori's soft voice finally rung out.
"If I may speak freely Hagakure, you seem a tad distant. I hope it is not I that has rendered you to this state. For I was hoping that we could become fast friends. But I do understand if it is your wish to distance yourself from me. I do not want to be a bother, we are here to learn after all and it'd be unbecoming of me to be a distraction."
No! Do not do that thing you are thinking of doing!
"What! No! Of course we can be friends!"
That. That is what you weren't supposed to do.
"I'm just nervous that you can see me and I have no idea what to do with myself because no one has ever seen me before and I find myself panicking, asking questions like how am I supposed to act? Do I seem pretty to you? Why the hell did I just say that to you?! And a whole number of other things!"
What the hell is wrong with you?
A delicate chuckle escaped from behind Komori's raised hands as they attempted to shield her lips from view. My ears reddened in embarrassment and after a moment turned a few shades darker as it dawned on me that she was likely seeing the bashful display.
"Do not feel abashed Hagakure I'm not laughing at your expense. It's just so amusing you see, I had been thinking much the same and was feeling a bit distraught that you might be finding me to be the peculiar one."
Laughing a bit myself, I found my unease ebbing as I gazed upon the gentle smile Komori had donned. For the moment I found myself feeling lighter, joyous even, as if there I hadn't a care in the world. But it swiftly passed as I felt the familiar pessimistic thoughts bubble up to the forefront of my mind.
I'm sure Himiko would love the way you're flirting with this girl. Slut. Willing to sleep with anyone as long as they throw a kind word your way. It's not like that she just wants to be friends. Sure, and how well do you think that will work out? Remember what you are here to do and stop whoring around.
Feeling the smile slip from my face, I tried putting on a mask of serenity and nodded my head towards the building.
"Well we should head in, don't want to be late on our first day do we? Perhaps we could meet for lunch?"
You're an idiot, a huge stupid idiot. If every idiot in the world got together and elected which one of them was the absolute dumbest, you would without a doubt be crowned king idiot and be memorialized as such. Years from now as you lie dead in some unmarked grave, the idiots of this world will toast to your memory whilst wearing their dunce caps and sipping their paint thinner because you. are. such. an idiot.
"That is a marvelous idea! And you are quite right I really should be off. I do look forward to seeing you later, farewell. Oh and Hagakure? You are very charming in appearance."
Giving me a short bow Komori swiftly turned on her heel and hustled off in the direction of the building, her long hair bouncing somewhat in her haste. Mouth agape I mumbled out something of a goodbye and headed for my homeroom, trying to will my brain back from its blank state.
"Remove your foot from that desk! Such an action is insulting to those who came to U.A. before us as well as the craftsmen who made the desk!"
"Like I care. What middle school are you from, you extra?"
"I-I'm from Somei private academy. My name is Tenya Ida."
"Somei?! A stuck-up Elitest, then? I should blow you to bits."
"You're awful. Do you really wish to become a hero?!"
The pair had been going at it for some time, Ida, the taller of the two whom sported black hair and had on square glasses, had a very proper way of talking and moved in a very precise, almost robotic, sort of way. While the other Bakugo, seemed very antagonistic and sported blond spiked hair that seemed to naturally fizz out in all directions. While he appeared to be more laid back then his stiff counterpart, he has something of an explosive feel to him, like the slightest touch could set him off.
The sound of a door sliding tore my attention from the two and brought to it this average looking boy with green curly hair. Biting my lip I felt a wave of revulsion churn within me, puzzled by my mounting unease I cast my eyes down to my desk.
Who is that and why is every nerve in my body telling me to run.
Ida wasted no time answering my silent query as he made a beeline toward the new student.
"I'm from Somei private academy…"
"I heard you before! Ah… I'm Izuku Midoriya, Pleased to meet you Ida…"
The boy, Midoriya, said meekly cutting off Ida before he could make another long winded introduction. Their conversation turned towards that of the exam where apparently Midoriya had figured out the secret of the second part of the exam. The robots weren't the only source of points, something that had admittedly surprised me. The final score was also affected by rescue points and while my total score had been enough to get me into U.A., few of them had been rescue points.
Perceptive as well, I'll have to keep an eye on this boy...
Sorry for the long wait everyone, I got a little held up with life. I should be returning to a weekly schedule thanks for the patience.
To Setsuna-Ryu13 I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! Hopefully you didn't have to wait too long for this update :)