A/N: This is set either before Infinity War, if Civil War didn't happen, or after Infinity War, assuming everyone came back from the dead.

Basically, I've been hurt enough.

The Avengers were on a diplomatic mission to England.

For some reason, they had taken Tony.

He didn't remember to call Queen Elizabeth "Your Majesty" the first time he addressed her, but at least he managed a, "Ma'am" instead of the various nicknames he had rifled between in preparation for the meeting, which included, "Queen Drag," "Bitsy," and, "Yaaaaaaas."

The Avengers didn't want to reinforce any unfortunate American stereotypes, so instead of taking a private jet, they flew commercial, or as Tony called it, "Slumming."

They packed their uniforms for the UN Summit and civies for everything else. Steve packed khakis. Tony packed five days worth of Freddie Mercury T-shirts (to wear when meeting the Queen). Natasha packed for Clint. When he opened the bag, it contained three outfits, and seventeen different kinds of hair products, because, "Your hair is a literal bird's nest." ("That was one time, Nat!")

Bucky packed twelve knives, none of which were caught by airport security, despite the private screening they had to schedule due to the arm.

Steve had made sure Bucky would be okay with flying before asking him to join the more official Avengers on their diplomatic mission. Bucky had replied, "As long as you're not the pilot." ("That was one time, Buck!")

Steve had decided to take the Stealth Suit so as not to appear at the British Parliament wearing an actual American flag, but people just kept mistaking him for Captain Britain.

He had never even heard of Captain Britain. If he weren't trying to avoid appearing so aggressively American, Steve would have sued him.

As if that weren't bad enough, half the crowd outside Parliament left when they found out Diana Rigg wasn't coming.

"What are they talking about?" Steve asked. "What other Avengers? Is this about Captain Britain again?"

"You wouldn't get it," Tony said irritably.

"I know," said Steve. "That's why I asked."

After the UN Summit, the Avengers were scheduled to go sightseeing. It was as much a part of the diplomatic mission as meeting the Queen. According to Hill, they had to be seen "enjoying British culture." Steve was afraid that would be difficult for him. He liked England just fine, even if the last time he visited was in the aftermath the Blitz, but he was Catholic, and felt vaguely guilty for enjoying anything.

They started with a of Buckingham Palace. When Bucky saw tourists messing with the Queen's Guard, he got very still.

The guards were stationed behind a fence, but it had been opened up for the Avengers, and tourists were using the opportunity to take selfies. The guards didn't react at all, not even when a tourist leaned in and planted a kiss on one of 'em. That was probably because she was Swedish. Steve had read a lot of guidebooks (he was the Man with a Plan), and they all said that the Queen's Guards were allowed to react if their personal space was invaded.

Bucky had gone so still he was in danger of getting left behind, so Steve kissed one of the guards.

He was the Man with a Plan.

He just never said it was a good plan.

The guard looked about ready to piss himself, which honestly Steve was impressed he hadn't done already, standing outside for hours without a bathroom break. He gave the guard a wink, which didn't do anything to put him at ease. Steve forgot that happened when he winked now.

So Steve kissed the guard again. This time, as he pulled away, he whispered, "Treat me like a French tourist."

The guard turned his rifle on Steve and shouted, "Make way for the Queen's Guard!"

Steve heard the artificial shutter of a hundred digital cameras behind him, and he knew he would get a reaming from Fury, if he was lucky (Hill, if he was not). He smiled at Bucky, who shook his head, hair still uncut despite his numerous knives, fully aware Steve had done that on purpose and why.

Steve apologized to the guard, who somewhat startlingly winked at him.

"Do you remember Falsworth talkin' about The Home Guard," Steve asked Bucky. "In… 1941? Their Westminster Unit stood guard at the palace."

"Home Guard?" asked Clint.

"All of the fella's who couldn't join up," said Steve. "We had 'em in New York too; all the states did. Bucky wanted me to join."

"Hey, Jack Dempsey joined the New York Guard," said Bucky, the argument having been rehashed so many times that it came automatically. "Don't act like all those punchin' bags you go through ain't because you wanted to be the The Manassa Mauler. You just liked him 'cause he was also a 4-F."

Steve knew that he had never looked so delighted to be made fun of. He knew this mostly because Tony looked a little jealous.

"Did you see those 'Keep Calm and Carry On" posters everywhere?" asked Tony, taking a picture of a tourist taking a picture of him.

Steve scratched his head. "Uh, no? I just remember these ones that said, 'I need bones!'"

"That's alarming."

"They were housewives to donate kitchen waste. I think they used it to make bombs."

"That's not really less alarming."

The next day, the Avengers went for tea at the Fortnum & Mason's salon: clotted cream scones with strawberry jam, coronation chicken and cucumber tea sandwiches, Battenburg cake made in right there in Piccadilly.

They saved some of the cake for later, but only because they still needed to be able to walk. Vision had convinced them to go on a self-guided tour of Whitechapel. Self-guided, because apparently, he was a….

"Ripperologist," he said, more enthusiastically than Steve really felt comfortable with anyone talking about a serial killer.

At least he got the reference this time. Peggy's mother had been in London at the turn of the century. Mrs. Carter had described to her daughter in great detail the fear she felt walking the streets of Whitechapel in the wake of the killings.

"...a brass ring," Vision was saying. "It was shaped like a serpent eating its own tale, a cheap imitation of the wedding ring given to Queen Victoria by Prince Albert when their engagement was announced. It represented love eternal, which was somewhat ironic considering Polly Nichols charged extra for love lasting longer than ten minutes…"

That fear seemed to have skipped a generation, since her daughter had actively sought out people who were killing each other. Steve only knew Mrs. Carter's stories because Peggy had used them to scare the bejesus out of the Howlies one night around a campfire in Dusseldorf. Dugan didn't sleep for weeks.

"...a fitting punishment. Public hangings were outlawed in 1868, which was something of a shame, considering the British Empire had a reputation to maintain as the progenitor of the spectator sport. To my left, you'll see..."

On their last day, they went to see Big Ben, but they didn't stay long, because Peter couldn't stop crying.

Airport security took longer the second time around. Bucky's knives still didn't set off any alarms, but they had less luck with the Christmas pudding Tony had bought for Pepper from the Harrod's outpost at the Heathrow Airport.

Steve had been about to buy a teddy bear dressed like the Queen's Guard for Bucky, when Tony pointed to a sign in the window.

"Sorry, Cap. You're not allowed to shop here."

Steve squinted at the sign. His eyesight was 20/20 since the serum, but he was tired, jetlagged, and kind of scared to sleep around Vision now.

"Duty-Free Shopping."

In the end, airport security decided that the pudding was probably not a bomb. Steve gave Bucky his new bear, and the three of them actually slept on the flight home, even though Vision was sitting behind them.