Their next diplomatic mission wasn't really a diplomatic mission, except that it was.

Tony said the Avengers were named after an American punk rock band formed in 1977 San Francisco, California. Maria said the name was a public relations tactic implying second-strike and consequent self-defense alibi. Either way, the Avengers (the band) were putting on a reunion show at the recently reopened Winterland on the corner of Post and Steiner, and Tony insisted on making it a "team bonding thing, because it's like Disneyland for Winter Soldiers."

"I don't know," said Steve, ignoring "the Winter Soldier" thing, because Bucky was always telling him to pick his battles, and that picking all of them didn't count. "Maybe when Bucky's not so startled by loud noises?"

Bucky had done fine in Tokyo and London, but the protest in Paris had left him twitchy. Meeting Thor had left him even more twitchy. Steve had thought actual electricity was involved until Bucky told him to "put the Shield down, Steve."

Getting a static shock from Thor wasn't like getting a static shock from someone who had rubbed their socked feet on carpet (Tony.)

"Oh, he's fine," said Tony. "I mean, he doesn't even react to my morning rants anymore."

"That's just background noise now," said Steve.

"Actually, I find it impressive," said Bucky. "I've heard drunk people make impassioned political speeches before, but only on Fox."

They flew commercial, because all of Tony's jets were in the hanger (he'd been running into some problems with his latest V8 engine, which was designed to run on V8 juice. He said that he had gotten the idea from a smoothie dream.)

Steve finally got Bucky to leave all his knives at home, but they forgot about the government shutdown. The government had been through more shutdowns more than Tony's V8 engine since Trump took office. They encountered TSA delays, but that worked out, because their flight was delayed until the next morning.

Tony yelled at people who worked for the airline. He yelled at people who worked for TSA. He yelled at people who were just passing by. He had his fly down for this. He was told that he could call the customer service hotline to "express his emotions." Tony expressed his emotions with both fingers. That was when Natasha took over. She got them tickets for another airline at no extra charge and extra Biscoff cookies.

The Avengers (the team) had the day to play tourist before the concert. Tony wanted to visit Alcatraz. Steve expressed some concerns, because half of the Avengers had been in prison of one kind or another, but Wanda said she wanted to practice some of the distress tolerance techniques she had learned in her DBT group, and Bucky said he wanted an "Alcatraz Swim Team" T-shirt.

They met a dockworker with three fingers (total) who was a fan. He gave them free cookies from the ferry snack bar. Tony ate three. Steve normally felt guilty in the face of generosity, but he also felt like had to eat more cookies than Tony, on principle.

There were hardly any rangers on the island, due to the government shutdown. A skeleton volunteer staff were keeping the place up and running. Steve felt even worse about the cookies, so he agreed to give a speech during the mandatory orientation. He wasn't sure what to say, so Bucky told the story about tending bar at a Brooklyn Night Club the evening Scar Face got his scars. It was wildly popular.

No one spent much time in the cells, but everyone enjoyed the gardens. They were full of international plant species dating back to the Civil War era. There were Bearded Irises, Narcissus, and Calla Lilies. Thor particularly liked the "Lady Jane." Tony particularly like the "Naked Lady."

They were out of "Alcatraz Swim Team" T-shirts, so Bucky got a messenger bag that said, "Alcatraz USP Regulation 5: You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention. Anything else you get is a privilege."

Steve expressed some more concerns, until Bucky said, "Stop it, you sound like a pigeon."

Wanda sat on a bench outside the warden's overgrown fifteen-room mansion and used her powers to help the plants grow through the crumbling walls. She said it called "Distress Tolerance." Upon overhearing this, Tony looked a little shamefaced (or sunburned), and suggested they ferry back to Fisherman's Wharf for lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, his treat. He bought Wanda a beer cheeseburger with bacon jam, and a T-shirt that said, "Make Time to Be Kind," in heavy metal font.

They had to ship their dirty laundry home. Tony told the UPS guy that they had bought too much stuff in San Francisco, "and we didn't have hearts to leave."

Steve didn't get it.

For dinner before the show, they went to Sears Fine Foods on Powell Street. Tony kept looking for the lingerie section. Steve didn't get that either.

They were seated at a table under propaganda poster from WWII, which said, "They're fighting harder than ever. Are you buying more war bonds than ever?" This led to a rousing chorus of Star-Spangled Man with a Plan, led by Tony. Bucky sang harmony.

Their menus informed them that Sears Fine Foods had been founded in 1938 by a retired circus clown, which led to a discussion of why clowns were so scary.

"It's pattern disruption," said Natasha. "Being creeped out is a way to maintain vigilance during a potentially dangerous situation. Clowns are nonverbal and in disguise. You don't know what they're thinking."

"I hesitate to argue," said Vision, who Steve sometimes found hard to believe was Tony's creation, "but I believe clowns are alarming due to their liminality. Like Frankenstein."

"Frankenstein's monster," said everyone else.

"Actually, the monster was Frankenstein's offspring, so he was literally a Frankenstein." Vision sounded smug, and oh, yeah. There it was.

The concert wasn't exactly to Steve's taste, but he didn't have to perform, which was all he asked for in a musical event.

At least that was he thought until the Avengers (the band) played a song called "The American in Me," and the Avengers sang along as suggestively as possible, which was a particularly creative feat considering it was a war protest song.

They flew back first class. Steve got a seat in the Non-Talking section, which he believed was a real thing right up until the Avengers burst out laughing.

"Tony said—"

"Tony says a lot of things," said Maria.

Tony didn't say anything about the concert being on his birthday, so none of the other Avengers (the team) said anything either. They did give Tony several small gifts to say thank you for the first class seats.

Bucky gave him a replica shiv from Alcatraz, which he had sharpened himself. "It's okay," he said, "I have five more."

Wanda gave him a copy of the DBT Skills Workbook.

Steve gave him a previously unaired version of the Captain America PSA about STDs, in which he had agreed to the "shield" jokes.

Vision gave him a mug that said, "Best Dad Ever."

Natasha gave him tickets to the New York Renaissance Faire, which was Tony's second favorite gift (after Vision's.) Steve hadn't known that Tony participated in Renaissance Faires, but it made a certain amount of sense in retrospect. ("What? I wear a suit of armor. How is that surprising?")

Everyone froze when Wanda kissed Tony on the cheek and wished him a happy birthday, but he just looked a little flushed (or sunburned).