(Insert Sunflower Post Malone and Swae Lee Instrumental)
"You love presenting yourself as this paragon of truth and justice and all things decent but Cap I have a couple questions for you that I was hoping you could help me figure out. When you first became a super soldier and were giving your tours how were all those All white Auditoriums? Did you ever once speak out for the black american soldiers? Or any other minorities? Hey did you ever once speak against having separate entrances for whites and minorities? No you didn't. And I'm supposed to believe that your best friend is Sam Wilson whose ancestors you wouldn't even speak out for?
Did you speak against the american concentration camps against the Japanese of the US during world war 2?
Let me ask you one last thing Cap if you could only save one life by jumping in front of a bullet. You'll die and the person you don't save will die who would you choose Bucky as the Winter soldier or Sam as Falcon?" With that Peter left Cap stunned while he kept stammering "I" repeatedly as he tried to answer any of Peter's jabs at what he represented.
"Moving on to the next bitch. Tony I really can't comprehend what women actually see in you. You have way too many problems but it can all be summed up like this. Tony you're a good man. You have a brilliant and beautiful mind but you are a... Terrible... Horrible person.
Your alcoholism and your daddy issues do not excuse your lack of humanity. I agree you do have good intentions but you lack any qualities of am actual human being. Remember when I begged you to help me cute a little girl during the civil war you said you couldn't. I happened upon some information that made me aware that not only did you have the cure but you chose to let her die to get at me. Thankfully Doom cured her. He has more humanity in him than you no wonder he looks up to you so much.
I'm pretty sure that's why your childhood friend Happy gets to be balls deep in your childhood crush Pepper every night. I'm sure at first she thought the world of you. Then it devolved into her her simply recognizing you as a good man but eventually she recognized your lack of any real humanity and so she turned the most human thing in her orbit for comfort and he did just enough to earn all of her love. There's no room in her heart anymore for someone like you is there Tony?"
After staring down Tony Peter eventually moved on to his next target.
"Hey big guy. I only really have one problem with you. You need to get over yourself and own up to the fact the hulk only exists so long as you allow it. Banner you need to recognize that hulk doesn't want to even exist. The big guy wants you to control your body at all times. Bottom line you need to face that abyss of anger you have inside you and you need to decide that you are going to use it how you see fit. If that's to arrest me so be it just know I won't hold back on you this time."
Passing Hulk ,who transformed back into banner with a contemplative look on his face, Peter walked up to Natasha. He then proceeded to say.
"Hey Ma."
"Peter" Natasha responded evenly.
He then proceeded to insult her in ways only he could. The result of which had Thor and Hawkeye trying to restrain her.
"I'll kill him! Mary's child or not I'll kill him!" Nat screamed as she made to rip Peter's throat out as he watched on impassively.
"Hawkeye for a guy who claims he sees everything you're often on the wrong side of conflicts. I mean you sided with Iron Man for a while there. You even served Thanos for a stretch.
You constantly try to get shield to lock me up or kill me. Hell you've even tried to kill me a few times ,but my main problem with you though is how you treat Bobby. How many girls have you fucked during your breaks only for you to go right back to her. Dude just because your first wife and the kids you had together passed away doesn't mean you can get away with punishing her for it. Marry that girl, knock her up, and then if she dies you can act the way you do until then you've got no excuses for the way you treat Bobby."
Peter went over to the rest and insulted then each in term but I only want to go over two in specifics.
"T'challa I can't really see you as an intelligent person anymore. I mean how can you divorce a literal walking goddess like Ro over there. And you're a hypocrite I mean you got mad at your ancestors because they wouldn't help out with the rest of the world or the African diaspora but at the same time you wouldn't side with your WIFE when her people were coming under attack by our friends. I know I sided with the Avengers there but at the same time I knew in my heart the mutants position. Bottom line siding with the Avengers wasn't worth losing Ro over trust me. I'm literally praying that the two of you get back together and soon."
The next part is delivered with sadness in Peter's voice. "The world needs more true love in it."
Next Peter got a slight look of determination as he walked over to the Xmen specifically Rogue.
"You" Peter said as he pointed at Rogue "and you" this time he pointed at Captain Marvel. "Need to just fuck and get it over with. I mean you could literally cut the sexual tension between the two of you with a knife. When you two leave here I want you to get a five star hotel room and just get it over with after which I want you two to start dating. And no I'm not saying this because I'm some pervert. You two have literally been inside each other and it's blatantly clear you want to return. Just fuck get it over with and see where a relationship goes. Besides who can understand the two of you better than each other."
And that Anna Marie and Carol Danvers glanced at each other and for the first time they didn't pass a look of disdain between them.
Next Peter walked up to Cyclops.
"You know you're a piece of shit right. Looking at you makes me sick. I mean seriously. You leave your wife and child for your dead girlfriend even though again you had a kid together but you know what really makes it bad you cheat on your dead girlfriend with a woman that's tried to kill you both and your so called father.
It wouldn't be so bad if you just stayed with the whole mental sex you had going on. I mean cheating of the heart isn't cheating in the real world that is until the two of you actually started fucking. But then after your dead current wife dies a second time you make out with your Mistress over her grave. I mean I just can't even process how much of a dick and cunt you and Emma are. And seriously marrying a woman just because she looks like your dead girlfriend? Sounds more like an obsession to me."
Then Peter turned to Emma.
"Does anybody else know that you're older than Wolverine. I'm pretty sure he's met Lincoln and you're older still. Does Scott?"Peter asked.
"Would you like me to inform the others that you're just stalling for time?" Emma responded smugly.
"Telepaths, so predictable. I actually am not stalling for time. I just thought about it really hard." Peter said with a level of smugness that left Emma stunned.
"I've always wanted to test if your diamond form extends internally. I know Luke Cage's immunity doesn't extend internally. Perhaps before the days out I'll test my theories about your second mutation." The way Peter delivered this statement the sadism in his voice had even Emma Frost paling at the prospect.
Peter next walked up to Jean.
"You're not even worth it. Except one thing you need to date others. I mean the first guy that has any remote interest in you and you dedicate yourself to him for life. Your only problem Jean is that you need more experience out in this cruel world. I fall in love easy. We're the same like that except unlike you I have horrible luck and the world keeps ending my relationships. My advice to you go out and date but don't dedicate heh didn't mean for that to rhyme.
Next was Laura Kinney.
"You just need to pick an identity are you the victim X-23, the survivor Wolverine, or you could be like I used to be. You could choose to be the thriver I know you can be you can choose to be just Laura Kinney. It's up to you.
With that Peter walked up to Wolverine.
"So what are your words of wisdom for me bub?" Logan said with a smirk.
"There are honestly so many I don't know where to start. Just know that like your daughter you need to pick what you want to be. The monster, the man, the mutants, or the hero. I'm getting tired of your mood swings. Or pick an amalgamation of it all. One last thing I have many ways to beat you in a fight. So if it comes to that if you're not there assassin... Well you'll find out first hand the gap between us."
"Is that a that a threat bub." Wolverine asked as he unsheathed his claws. But Peter had already moved on
"What gave you your first clue?" Peter finally stopped in front of Storm.
"Hey Ro sorry about what happened between you and T'challa. Just know I was rooting for you too as a couple. So did MJ for a while there.
Moving on though I find it shameful that not even a month after your so called divorce your sleeping with Logan. I mean there was always that sexual tension there and it was definitely stronger than the one Logan had with Jean. And anyone who couldn't see that was an idiot but I just gotta know why'd you sleep with him.
It couldn't be just because T'challa said so. I mean you both practiced the religion of Wakanda and the last time I checked it didn't have divorce as a concept. Basically T'challa can't declare you two have a divorce. Even the king of Wakanda can't influence the religion of Wakanda. That is to say the Panther god. What I'm trying to say is you basically cheated on your husband right after your first major fight. And that's just disappointing. I thought higher of you.
Peter continued going on various tirades. He talked about how the person he thought the lowest of was Professor Xavier. He basically called him a pedophile and revealed how Charles used to have Jean sit in his lap when he was younger. Whether she wanted to or not and most of the time not. He kept insulting everyone else or in some ways inspiring them.
He even revealed that Susan Storm had admitted to Peter that the only reason that she hadn't left Reed for Namor was because she was worried that if she did Namor would neglect his responsibilities. Basically she didn't want to be responsible for the actual fall Atlantis. Finally Peter came to the person he disliked the most. The person he saved for last Thor.
"Out of everyone here you're there worst. How many people have you allowed to be sacrificed to you in your days? How many countless souls have you fed on over the years. You can't call yourself a defender or even Avenger of mankind when genocides have been done in your name. Stories of you raping women. Killing husbands just so you could sleep with their wives. Are any of those stories false?"
As Peter continued pointing out various flaws in Thor based on the myths about him clearly angering him. Before long ,unlike the others except Natasha, Thor responded.
"Enough talk." Thor bellowed as he threw Mjolnir at Peter.
For his part Peter just tilted his head before using a web line to throw the hammer back at Thor who caught it before doing a simple spin and throwing it back at Peter. And then the most shocking thing of all happened. Peter caught the hammer in his right hand.
As he held the hammer the skies darkened. Thor tried to call his hammer back to him but it wouldn't budge. And then they noticed that the hammer called upon a new color of lightning. The opposite of Thor's the color was red and Peter's demeanor changed completely. Gone was the jokester. To some it seemed like the black suit Spider-Man had returned. A fight was about to take place.
"You guys probably don't know this but I trained under the master of the fist after Felicia and I first got together. He taught me a lot of things."
Unlike the others Thor and Doctor Strange could actually physically see what Peter was talking about. What he might have been taught. How to control Murderous intent...
Next Spider-Man versus the world.