January 2019

Christian

Today. Today my baby girl is turning one. A year ago today, Anastasia woke me from deep sleep, contracting. Baby Abbie almost made her entrance into the world in the backseat of an SUV instead of the OB ward. By the time Anastasia was wheeled into the hospital, she was crowning. I was a nervous wreck.

"Ana! Ana, close your legs! She's going to fall out!" As we're being rushed down the hall to the OB department with one of the RN's, I do my best to keep my hand hovering above her legs, in case Abigail slips out.

"Easier said than done, Grey!" She snaps at me, gripping the arms of the wheelchair as she cries out between her labor breathing. I suppose trying to keep your legs closed with something the size of a bowling ball pushing its way out isn't easy. "Oh, my God, hurry! Fuck. She's coming!"

"We're almost there, baby. Just try your best, sweetheart. We're so close!"

Her hips slide down in the wheelchair a little bit and she presses her hand between her legs, over her nightgown. "Her head! I can feel her head!"

"You WHAT?" My bark of surprise is partly muffled by the elevator door dinging as we slip inside.

Fuck. We're going to have our fifth baby in an elevator.

By the time the elevator door opened on the OB floor, the RN had delivered our Abbie, her feet making their exit out of her mother as the door gave another ding. My beautiful, strong wife held Abbie in her arms, umbilical cord still attached, placenta still undelivered, while the nurse wheeled her down the hall to our room. The other nurses sitting at the nurse's station just stared with wide eyes and open mouths, confused and surprised.

For having the baby delivered by an RN, we sure paid a whole hell of a lot to Dr. Greene. I was able to convince the House Supervisor to add a nice bonus to the RN's paycheck, though. She stayed professional and calm while Abbie made her way into this world. I, on the other hand, was shouting expletives and losing any sense of control I thought I had. I was so damn worried for my baby and wife, that I lost control.

To this day, I'm ashamed of myself for not being there for my wife and child when they needed it the most. If the RN wasn't with us, I don't know what would have happened.

I frown, remembering.

"Christian? What is it?" Anastasia is lying next to me, awake, but not ready to leave the warmth of the bed.

"I was just thinking about last year."

She grins. "You mean Abbie's birth? That was so chaotic." She giggles. "We were lucky she didn't come before we got to the hospital."

"Honestly, I'm surprised you made it to the elevator." I sigh. "If it wasn't for that nurse…"

She rolls towards me and cups my face. "Don't do that. Today is a celebration. I'm sick of you beating yourself up over it. The nurse delivered her quickly and Abbie came out perfect. No reason to have regrets when nothing went wrong." Leaning in, she presses a soft kiss to my lips. "I don't think of you any differently than I did before. You're still my strong, dominant husband. I still trust you with every fiber of my being. If the nurse wasn't there, I have no doubt that you would have stepped up."

"You think so?" I'm not so sure.

"I know so. Your brain knew we were safe and it allowed itself to express your feelings properly. You needed the outlet so you could focus on us when we got to the room."

Maybe she's right. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I am only human. I just need to live and learn. I can't believe it's been a year.

My baby girl is one!

My heart aches at the thought. Life is flying by so fast. This past month I have been dwelling on her birthday and half dreading this day. It's so bittersweet. I can't wrap my head around the fact that this is it. We'll have no more babies. Anastasia and I have agreed that we'll adopt older children, because they often get overlooked. Abbie really is the last baby we'll have in the house.

It doesn't feel right.

I know Anastasia and I have agreed that this chapter in our life is closed, but now, I'm beginning to wonder if it needs to be reopened. What would Anastasia think?

XxXxXx

The decorating is in full bloom, family members scattered around the house doing their assigned tasks, when the birthday girl finally awakes.

As soon as I hear her jabbering on the monitor, I desert my post setting up chairs and hurry to the second floor to reach her.

I open the door to her room slowly and hear her gasp, excited to see someone's coming. I slip my head in and give her a grin, seeing her standing in her crib, her chunky little fingers holding onto the bars.

"Dadda! Dadda! Dadda!" Releasing the wooden bars, she claps and bounces a little, causing her to lose balance and fall on her butt. "Oof."

I chuckle at her and make my way in to grab her. "Is my baby girl ready to get up?"

She nods and holds her hands up to me. "Up, up! Up, Da!"

As I pick her up, I give her a kiss on her warm, round cheek. "It's your birthday today, Abbie-girl! You are one year old! One! See my hand?" I show her one finger, hoping she'll follow.

She looks at her hand and then back to mine, examining the situation. After a few glances back and forth, she sticks her index finger up.

"Yes! That's my girl! One! You're one! You're getting so big!" I hug her to me and kiss her forehead a few times, a bittersweet pang resonating through my chest. I'm so proud of her, but I'm not ready for her to grow up.

"You stay my baby, K?" I ask her, heading to her changing table so I can change her diaper and get her into some clothes for the morning. I know that Anastasia will want to change her into her party dress later, but I don't want her stuck in pajamas until then.

"K." She answers me, like it's the simplest thing in the world.

"No matter how big you get, you'll always be my baby girl." Just like the others. They'll always be my babies. Now, I understand why my mother always said it. She still says it...like she has to remind us that we're her babies.

I smile.

Mom will never have to remind me that I'm her baby. I'm a momma's boy and will always be one.

After I get her changed, we head towards the stairs. "Let's get you some breakfast...and don't share it with the dogs this time, you hear me?" I tease her, blowing a raspberry on her cheek.

"Oof, oof!" She does her best to imitate a dog bark and it makes me laugh.

"No matter how much they 'oof, oof', you still don't share your food."

She gives me her shit eating grin and I know that she's going to do whatever the hell she wants to do, just because she can. I know she's just a baby, but I swear she does it just because she knows I don't want her to.

When we reach the kitchen, I see that Anastasia has already started getting her breakfast ready for her. She warms up a couple of rainbow pepper and feta mini quiches she made at the beginning of the week and cuts up a little bit of fruit, adding a dollop of yogurt to her tray because Abbie has already decided she likes to dunk her food.

"There's our birthday girl!" Anastasia holds out her hands and takes Abbie from me so she can greet her good morning.

"Mmm…" Abbie says, looking down at the tray on the counter.

Anastasia hands her a small bite of strawberry. "We'll get you in your highchair so you can eat, okay? The birthday girl slept late this morning! I can feel your tummy growling."

She fastens her in and lets her go to town on her breakfast, placing a sippy filled with coconut water (Abbie's favorite) in the cup holder.

As she eats, I watch my other children play with our two pitbulls, Asher and Ember, chasing each other and causing a mess with the pink and purple streamers. Camden is wrapped up like a mummy in streamers, chasing the others with his arms out while they squeal and try to get away from him. The dog's tails are wagging and they beg Camden to chase them, too, by getting down into puppy stance and wiggling their tails until he comes towards them. Our house is full of noise and chaos constantly, but I don't want it any other way. I can't imagine my life without any of them now. Life was so empty before the girl with the big blue eyes and porcelain skin popped back into it. I have all of this because of her. I wouldn't have any of these blue and gray eyed babies without her.

"Let's have one more."

Anastasia's head whips around so quickly that I think she might have broken her neck. "What?"

"Let's have another baby. One more. I'm not ready to be done."

"Are you crazy? Do you hear the noise level in the house right now?" She's looking at me like I've two heads. "We already agreed that Abbie is our last pregnancy."

"Just think about it. I don't need an answer right now."

"But, I'm supposed to start my birth control after my next period."

Anastasia has not been on any birth control since Camden was made. We've always used the pull-out method between planning our children and it worked rather well, but since Abbie has been born, we've been using condoms. I HATE condoms and have been giving her a hard time for the last year over it. Now that Abbie is off breast milk, Anastasia feels safe enough to go back on the pill.

"Just think about it and sleep on it if you need to, then make a decision. I'll let you decide if our family is finished with the baby phase...if you're ready to really give up the pregnancy phase."

XxXxXx

"...Happy birthday to you!" Everyone finishes singing to Abbie in her high chair and the other kids help her blow out her candle. As everyone claps, I see Anastasia wipe a tear from her eye.

Aunt Kate pulls out the one candle in her cake so that Abbie can eat it. "Go on, baby. Eat your cake!"

Abigail stares at Kate, so Kate dips her finger in the cake and has her taste it.

"Mmm!"

"See, it's good!"

Still, Abbie stares at it while we all wait with our cameras in hand.

"Here, I'll show her!" RC takes her hand and shoves it in the cake, effectively making a mess. It makes Abbie angry that he got her dirty and she yells at him, shaking her dirty hand.

"Look, Abbie. Yummy!" RC puts his cake covered hand in his mouth, causing Abbie to stop yelling and her face to return to its normal shade. She watches him for a moment and then does the same with her hand. After she gets a taste of it, she digs into her cake with both hands, making all of us laugh.

She gets cake and icing all over her sweet little face, her beautiful copper curls, and down the front of her onesie. After Camden's first birthday, we learned to disrobe our children before they dug into their birthday cake. It's a messy business.

After the cake has been removed and Abbie continues to suck on her fingers, Anastasia tries to clean her hair with a warm washrag. Abbie is not having it. Her free hand comes up to swat the rag away and Anastasia grabs her wrist quickly.

"Thank you, Abbie!" Anastasia is quick to clean Abbie's hand, making her angry. "Oh, you stop that. You're all dirty. Momma needs to clean you."

She gives another yell at her mother, but Anastasia shakes her head. "No, ma'am! That's not how we act. You let Momma clean you."

Resigned to the fact that her fate is sealed, Abigail gives a long sigh and slumps in her highchair, pouting. So dramatic.

My wife catches my eye and she's smiling at me, shaking her head. "She must take after you."

I snort. "I do not pout!"

"HA!" The voice of my mother interrupts, but she tries to cover her laugh with a cough.

Thanks, Mom.

Giggling, Ana takes Abbie out of the highchair. "Your Daddy's a drama queen isn't he, baby girl?"

"Da-Da-Da-Da!" She points to me while Anastasia takes her into the kitchen to finish cleaning her.

XxXxXx

The presents are unwrapped, the food is gone, and so is everyone's energy. Our family begins to slowly leave the house, wishing Abbie one last happy birthday, and soon we're left alone with our five children, all of them on a sugar-high.

Our four older children are still playing, giggling, and squealing in the living room with our dogs and Abbie's new presents, while Abbie is conked out on my shoulder, drooling. She's slipped into a sugar coma, it seems. She has learned to tune out the excessive noise and I'm grateful for it... although, she really hasn't had any other choice. My wife is still busy in the kitchen, cleaning up from earlier and I don't know where all her energy comes from. If my head hit the pillow right now, I'd be out for hours. She, on the other hand, is scrubbing our already clean countertops and sweeping our already glistening floor.

"Ana… the kitchen isn't going to get any cleaner."

Her back is to me, but I can hear her sigh and her shoulders drop a little. "I know, but I think better while I clean."

"What's on your mind, baby?"

She turns on her heel and gives me one of her looks. Am I in trouble?

"What do you think is on my mind?" Her voice is an octave higher than normal and it makes me wince. I am in trouble.

"The baby?"

"Yes, the baby!" Her palms smack her thighs, frustration setting in. "I was perfectly happy with the decision we made about not birthing any other children! I came to grips with it… hell, I even started to feel content with our decision. It felt like the right choice for us."

I nod, although my heart aches a little. "Okay, babydoll. We'll be done, then. It was wrong of me to bring it up. It was a mistake."

She shakes her head and tears begin to form in her eyes.

"Ana?"

She gives a sardonic laugh. "You can't take it back now, Christian! You've put the damn idea in my head! The thought of another baby… of having another life growing inside of me… of carrying your baby again…" her hand rests on her stomach as she talks about it and my dick stirs at the thought.

"So, you want another?"

Anastasia looks down at the ground and shakes her head, her tears that have welled up finally falling. "I don't know what I want. I just need more time to think, Christian." She sniffles. "This is such a hard decision. It's life changing."

I frown, my stomach twisting in guilt. I should have never brought it up on such a chaotic day. "I know it is, angel." I open my free arm to her. "Come here." She steps into my arm and I hold her tightly to me while her head nuzzles into my chest. "You take all the time you need to think it over. There's no rush and there's no pressure. Whatever you decide."

I rock the three of us from side-to-side while we listen to our older children play.

"You've been holding Abbie for a long time, do you want me to take her? I can put her down for bed."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not ready to let go, yet."

Anastasia giggles up at me. "You'll never be ready to let go."

That's probably true.

XxXxXx

"Are you girls ready for bed?" Anastasia and I enter the twins' room at bedtime, and I'm relieved to see that both girls have managed to get into their pajamas without a fight.

"Yes, Mommy. Will you read to us?" Carlie smiles up at us and it warms my heart. Even though the girls are no longer toddlers, they still enjoy the occasional bedtime book and snuggle.

"I suppose. Go pick a book." Anastasia answers as she straightens Gracie's bed so we can all curl up on it.

"I want Daddy to read to us tonight. He makes funnier voices." Gracie states, giggling. I grin. Yep, I'm the best.

Anastasia sticks her tongue out at me playfully.

The girls grab a Frog and Toad book and we snuggle up in Gracie's bed with the girls in our laps. I'm in the middle of the book when Carlie interrupts my reading.

"Mommy?"

Anastasia looks down at Carlie, who is in her lap. "Yes, sweet girl."

"Are you going to have another baby?"

Anastasia glances at me. "Why do you ask?"

"Camden said that you might."

"Oh, he did, did he?" I ask her, sighing. I should have known. That boy has ears of a spaniel.

Carlie nods. "Mmhmm."

"We're thinking about it." Anastasia answers, surprising me. "How would you girls feel if we had another?"

Gracie gives a big grin. "I think it'd be fun. But, can you make sure we got another sister?"

I laugh. "Gracie, baby, you don't get to pick if it's a brother or sister."

She gives a pout. "Well, why not?"

"Because it's up to what God wants to bless us with."

"I'll pray for a sister, then." Gracie states matter-of-factly, giving a nod. "God loves me. He'll listen."

Her response makes me laugh. "Is that so?" I tickle her a little. "Well, Mommy and Daddy don't know if they're going to even have a baby, yet."

"Why not?" Carlie looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes.

"You remember us talking about adoption, right? Don't you want Mommy and me to give a home to some children that don't have one?"

"But you bring home enough bread for all of us and Mommy is a good cook...why can't we have both?" Carlie's comment makes me laugh. Anastasia has always told the kids that I bring home the bread and she fixes it and it seems that the comment has really stuck with my girls.

Giggling, Anastasia squeezes Carlie to her. "I suppose you're right, baby girl. Daddy and I will see what happens."

After we get the girls in bed, check that our two youngest are asleep, and find Camden in bed with a book, we head to bed ourselves.

"I'll never understand why we need so many pillows on our bed." I complain, beginning to pull off what feels like fifty of them.

Anastasia narrows her eyes at me and throws one of them at me. "They're pretty and they're soft. I don't have to answer to you!" She throws another and I catch it in mid-air and cock my eyebrow at her.

"You don't?"

She bites her bottom lip and gives a nervous giggle. "Nope."

I launch myself across the bed toward her, making her squeal as I grab her and pull her into the bed with me, the other half of the pillows forgotten.

"I think you've forgotten who's the dominant, Anastasia." I growl into her ear, rolling her under me.

Her giggle becomes a whimper and her hips shift under me.

"Who do you belong to?"

She chews on her lip. "You, sir."

"And what are you?"

"Your good girl."

"That's right, babydoll. Do I need to remind you? Hmm? Should I take what's mine?"

She's panting and I'm hard as a rock.

"Are you wet, Anastasia?"

She nods against the pillows.

"Are you going to be my good girl?" My hips roll, causing the tent in my pants to press hard against her pantie-clad center.

"Yes, Master. I promise."

I growl at the name she uses. It's been so long since I've heard those two words fall from her mouth. Yes, Master. I swear with those two words she could get me to do anything she fucking wanted. She doesn't realize, but I'm at her mercy when she talks to me like that.

"I'm going to slip your panties down and play long and hard and if I hear one peep about a fucking condom I swear you won't come for a month, do you understand?" It's been too damn long since I've had skin-to-skin with her. If this gets her fucking pregnant, then so be it.

Her mouth opens in surprise, but she quickly closes it with a click of her teeth and nods. "I understand, Master. I'll be good."

Reaching down, I tear through the thin lace between her legs quickly and easily and sit back on my knees to take her in. "Dress off and open up. I want to see what's mine."

XxXxXx

When I wake the next morning, I'm greeted by two smelly little feet sitting on my chest. I'm not surprised, considering I consistently wake up not knowing who or how many little ones are going to be in the bed by morning. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and when they refocus, I see Anastasia propped up on her pillows with RC's head on her chest while she plays with his hair. He's sleeping soundly, but Anastasia looks to have been up for awhile, a frown tugging at the corners of her pretty mouth.

"Good morning." My voice is raspy like it is every morning, so I try to clear my throat.

"Morning." She mumbles, not taking her eyes off our youngest son.

"Couldn't sleep? I ask her, pushing myself up a little bit while moving our son's feet away from my chest.

She sighs. "No, not really. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Still thinking about another baby?" I ask, knowing. I hadn't meant for her to fret so much on this subject.

"A part of me wants another… but another part of me knows just how hard it's going to be. I remember how hard my last pregnancy was with trying to keep up with the other four. It was exhausting and my feet and legs were constantly swollen and I was so tired… I don't know if I can put myself through that again."

I frown. I never realized how hard it was on her. I knew her swelling was harsh with Abbie, but I had no idea that she was suffering trying to raise the others while carrying her.

"If you were having that hard of a time, why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you tell me?"

Suddenly shy, her cheeks tinge pink and she chews her lip. "They're my babies. They're my responsibility and I wanted to take care of them."

"Jesus, Anastasia!"

My small outburst makes RC startle in his sleep and Anastasia hushes me.

I lower my voice, even though my anger hasn't lowered any. "I am your husband. I'm their father! It is my responsibility to take care of you and our children. If you needed a break, you should have said something!"

She shrugs and it pisses me off. "I swear to you...if we didn't have RC in this bed, I'd put you over my knee." It has been years since I've put her over my knee, but if she needs to be reminded, then I'll do it.

"I just wanted to take care of them myself."

"I will not allow stubbornness under our roof, Anastasia. We've made that clear to the children already, but it includes you, too."

"Christian, I don't want to fight. I just worry that six children so young might be more than I'm ready to handle. You can understand that, can't you?" Her gorgeous clear blue eyes are full or worry and it causes my boiling anger to slow to a simmer.

I sigh, relieving the frustration that has been sitting on my chest. "Yes, baby. I can understand that. I just wish you would have reached out to me for help...or asked Gail for a little more. You might be Super Mom, but you're still only human and everyone has a breaking point. Please reach out to me before you hit yours. We can't function in this household with a broken Mommy."

She gives me a small smile. "Yea, okay."

"You'll ask for help when you're feeling overwhelmed?"

She nods.

"Promise."

Giggling, she agrees. "Yes, Christian. I promise."

I hate that I managed to overlook her need for help. I know that I can't be at home all the time, but I'm starting to wonder just how much I miss by working so much. I can't stop now...there are too many people depending on me, but it makes my heart ache that my own family...my own wife for that matter… can't depend on me because I'm either gone to work or holed up in my home office working.

XxXxXx

It's been weeks since Abbie's birthday and Anastasia has not brought up the baby situation, nor have I. It was easy to see how stressed out even the idea of having another has made her, so I've made sure to keep my mouth shut about the situation and let her come to me if she decides. Evidently, she's already made her decision. She should be starting her period any day now, if she hasn't already, and I just need time to let it sink in. No more babies for us.

"Dad?"

I look up from my laptop to see Camden standing at the doorway to my home office.

"What's up, little man?" I hadn't realized how long I've been lost in my own thoughts.

"Mom says it's dinnertime."

I give him a grin. "Well, whatever Mom says, goes. We better get to the table then. I don't want to get in trouble."

Standing, I stretch and begin to make my way through the house with my oldest son.

"We might have to buy a bigger naughty chair for you." He cheeks, giggling behind his hand.

"Oh! Are you saying your father is just a big butt?" I tease, messing up his hair.

"I didn't say that!"

"Maybe we can just take the girls' chairs and put them together and I'll use a seat for each cheek."

Camden gives a belly laugh. "We might have to get RC's, too."

"Thanks, Dude! I think you've got more cheek than I do!" I push him playfully and he puts an arm around my waist, pulling himself against me. I rest my arm around his shoulders and hug him close.

"Mommy says I'm a lot like you."

"Like father like son, then I guess." Looking down, I give him a wink and release him so he can sit in his chair at the dining room table.

Anastasia is placing the food on the table and I press a kiss to her cheek before having a seat. As I lower myself into my chair, I see a small box with a red bow resting in my plate.

My eyebrows knit together. "What's this?"

I look up at my wife and she's giving me a small smile. "Consider it your Valentine's Day present."

"Valentine's Day isn't for a few more days, Ana."

She shrugs. "What can I say, you've been a good boy." Giving me a wink, she turns back towards the children so she can plate their dinner.

I guess she couldn't wait.

I pull on the bow, letting it unravel and then open the box.

"Wha...what? Is this? What!"

Nestled inside, is an ultrasound picture and a tiny pair of booties.

Anastasia laughs at my response to the present.

"What is it, Daddy?" RC is curious and the others are trying to crane their necks to see what is in my box.

"Mommy is having another baby?" I answer, but it comes out as a question. I can't tear my eyes away from my wife and she beams at me. "You're really pregnant?"

She sniffles and nods. "Yes."

"Mommy's going to have another baby!" RC screams excitedly, getting the others riled up with him.

I shoot out of my chair and pull my wife to me, hugging her tightly to me. I can't believe this.

"How? When?" I whisper in her ear.

She lets out a light giggle and I release her enough for her to look up at me. "I wanted to come, Master." She whispers quietly.

"Oh, wow." I let out a chuckle. "Guess my alter ego made the decision for us." My cheeks actually tinge red at the thought. I forced her into this.

She raises up on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to my lips. "It made the right decision."

I release a sigh. "Yea?"

She nods. "Yea."

"We're going to have a baby." It feels good to say it out loud. It's music to my ears.

"Looks like it."

Here we go again.

I'm ready.